Grieving the End of a Relationship

Grief doesn’t only occur after the death of someone we love. Grief is an intense emotional reaction to the loss of anyone or anything that once defined our lives in a meaningful way. People may experience grief after losing a job, grief for a country or home they no longer live in, or grief after the end of a relationship.

It may seem melodramatic to call the emotions after a breakup grief but no good comes of minimizing our experiences. It is only as we begin to understand and accept our emotions that we can begin gaining enough closure to move on with our lives. Life may not be the same for a long while after the end of a relationship, but grieving is often key to moving forward.

Love with nowhere to go

When someone who brought depth, meaning, and richness to our lives is no longer around, it leaves a void. In grief, this void gets filled with sadness, anxiety, depression, or a collection of coping mechanisms that might cause more harm to us. Someone has described grief as “love with no place to go.”

It’s natural to still feel all of the affection, attraction, and fondness for our ex-partner long after things have ended. After a breakup, this affection gets mixed with resentment, anger, guilt, regret, or hopelessness, or a combination of all of these things. It often feels like we have lost the foundation beneath us. The thought of facing life alone without our comfort person makes us feel exposed and vulnerable, along with all the other feelings.

Emotions are messy

Most of us have no choice but to carry on with life as we try to process the end of a relationship and all the feelings that come with it. Many people cope by compartmentalizing their emotions.

They pack all of their thoughts and feelings into a box, put the box out of sight, and try to continue with work and life as best they can. This can be effective for a short time, but eventually, the sadness and grief end up spilling out into our workplace, home life, or sleep schedule.

When we repress emotions, they have a way of escaping. They might show in the form of insomnia, panic attacks, an affected diet or loss of appetite, or emotional outbursts in front of children, family, or coworkers. Our friendships might begin to suffer as we choose instead to stay in, catch up on sleep, or wallow in sadness and self-pity.

Victim or victor

If the relationship ended badly, with fights and harsh words used as weapons, we may even dwell on our feelings of victimhood. Often, we do this because it can feel like vindication, and we might need that type of closure: vindication. If the relationship was toxic or caused harm to us, dwelling on our feelings of victimhood makes us feel like we did nothing wrong.

This is a way we attempt to get closure, but reliving an emotional end to the relationship doesn’t right any wrongs. Remaining in feelings of being the victim (even when we were the victim), can be regressive. We need to process those feelings in an outward way, not keeping them locked up inside.

There is a different path we need to take if our ex was abusive. In this case, they probably left us with scars that need healing. The best place to begin this journey is in therapy with a licensed counselor who can help us navigate that particular grieving process.

Finding support after the end of a relationship

Sometimes the emotions we face at the end of a relationship are a form of grief. Grief is a complex and often messy process that we must find a way through if we are to continue healthily doing life. Minimizing the emotions we have after a breakup is just as unhelpful as wallowing in negative emotions.

Like other forms of grief, we may have to acknowledge that we will always have a special place in our lives for someone we are no longer connected to. If the relationship was abusive or left us with emotional scars, it is best that we get professional help to heal those wounds. It is entirely possible to continue with life after a hurtful breakup, but it might just take some time.

If you are facing grief after the end of a relationship, you might benefit from speaking to a counselor about it. In counseling, you, as the client, determine the depth to which you go in the sessions. Reach out to us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling today and we will facilitate finding you a counselor in Huntington Beach, California that you feel comfortable with.