Mapping the Heart: Navigating Codependency and Establishing Boundaries

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The accounts of Jesus’ time on earth provide a practical and spiritual template for those who follow Him. His approach to navigating challenges serves to encourage and infuse confidence in all we confront. He exhibited the principle of establishing healthy relationships, communication, and boundaries.

Prioritizing the Father’s will, Jesus’ desire to please His Father was the impetus that governed His ministry. He relentlessly pursued what would ultimately give God glory in every circumstance, regardless of the demands that others attempted to impose on Him.

The mirror of Scripture can help us to observe this as we watch Jesus engage with a pair of sisters hosting Jesus at their home. Martha was busy preparing for dinner, yet not enjoying the Lord’s presence.

While her sister Mary listened to Jesus teach, Martha lamented to the Savior. Instead of communicating directly with Mary, Martha circumvented her, by talking to Jesus about what Mary wasn’t doing and what she presumed should be happening instead. Jesus’ response exhibited a reflection of what healthy boundaries can look like in our own lives.

While Jesus didn’t negate the necessity of dinner, His emphasis in this account helps us to recognize, repent, and reset where our priorities misalign. He addressed Martha but refused to allow imposed guilt to usurp His priority.

As Messiah, He realized that Martha wanted to be validated and supported; Martha’s need for replenishment was apparent. It was what Mary had already chosen: to ease her codependent and anxious mind in rest and replenishment at Jesus’ feet.

No amount of work, regardless of how noble, fills us like spending time with Jesus. Christ presented the perfect example, illustrating that loving people and establishing boundaries are not mutually exclusive. We need both; and in fact, one informs the other.

We set boundaries because we want to protect the time in the presence of God and with loved ones and preserve these relationships. It is because of love that we establish boundaries as parameters to redirect our resources to nourish what we value.

When we are busying ourselves with what everyone else is or isn’t doing, we miss important face-to-face time with the Lord. There may be words and wisdom that He wants to share, but as long as we are codependently preoccupied with other people’s behaviors, we deflect attention from Christ.

Boundaries around our peace or priorities weaken the hold that worry and anxiety leverage. Yet, when we avoid marking boundaries on our time, we overextend ourselves and overcommit limited resources of energy and attention. Like Martha, this can be taxing for us as well as those in relationship with us.

Instead of engaging in life-giving exchanges, we keep score, ticking off our contributions and others’ perceived failures. We diminish them, even as we see in this story (Luke 10:38-42). There are two hostesses, yet they are both displaying a different kind of welcome for the Visitor in their home.

When we operate from a codependent mindset, we project what we want onto others, stepping over the boundaries around what they value. Instead, we misuse our relational influence to control them with guilt or emotion, presuming that they should respond to what we want and disregard their own unique needs and desires.

Codependency looks away from the areas to be reconfigured in our hearts. Furthermore, it minimizes the impact that our controlling words and actions have on those we love.

The speck of sawdust in someone else’s eye looms larger than the log bursting through our own when we allow codependency to govern and inform our mindset (Matthew 7:3-5). The result is that we won’t establish healthy boundaries that refocus us on what we need to manage with the Lord in our own lives. We place ourselves in the position of God by trying to rescue, redeem, or reprove other people for what they need to manage with the Savior.

It doesn’t have to be like this. We can make immediate pivots, recognizing where our codependent disregard for boundaries has spilled over into interactions with our loved ones. The Lord is our Counselor and Helper. Through His Holy Spirit, He will direct us to counseling resources to support us with making lasting change. Just like change came to Mary and Martha’s home, it can come to ours as well.

Next steps to establishing boundaries

Wherever you are, take courage and hope that change is possible. God has provided valid solutions and practical support for you to initiate it in your own life. Contact one of the counselors here at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling in California. Make your appointment to experience the beginning of life changes. You can begin to redraw the lines of your heart map, establishing boundaries that protect what matters most.

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One Thing I Do to Improve My Mental Health as a Christian Therapist

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As with life, highs and lows, tragedies and excitements, trials and redemptions are normal. No one is born with the readiness to handle such things. Though there are several tools, there are no guarantees and no perfect formula for all of life. Here is one thing I do to improve my mental health as a Christian therapist.

Narrowing down the tools I’ve used over the past decades was a struggle, but to keep it simple I wanted to select just one. Keep in mind, this one has many by its side throughout every situation isn’t a cure-all. To select the most effective tool, over the years I’ve decidedly used the Bible as my sieve to week out the tools and pieces of advice that lead to nowhere.

Doesn’t a therapist have the advantage?

You might ask, “Does training to be a therapist make a difference?” The answer is “yes,” and “no.”

There’s an advantage to training for something. In this case, it gives greater exposure to a wide variety of tools. There’s also the requirement to practice putting this wide collection of mechanisms for battling mental health woes to use. Simply put, being a Christian therapist means one is likely to have been doing this longer and know a bit more about tools that do and don’t work than the average person.

There’s also a real chance that there is absolutely no advantage to training as a therapist in the way of knowing how to improve one’s mental health. What training provides is exposure to many different tools and areas of thought about what might help with each struggle. Anyone can gain exposure to as much or even more of these tools in their everyday lives.

That being said, the world cannot offer any better wisdom than God. So simply spending more time studying the Bible can lead one to have a greater advantage over a trained professional. Finally, there’s no end to practicing the tools, they are lifetime assistants for everyone, and many develop the art of them naturally.

The one thing

One thing I do to improve my mental health as a Christian therapist, above all others, is to focus on connection. Every high and low in mental health brings the temptation to disconnect. Whether it be to God or others, connection matters most in improving, balancing, and weathering the ups and downs of our mental health.

Our mental health consists of our thoughts and emotions. Our emotions set off like alarms to tell us something is happening. Our thoughts decide what to make of it and then our behavior follows. I’ll explain more about how to engage the tool of connection, below.

Connection to God

Each time you experience the elated, happier-than-can-be feeling, you may have no thought of trouble. Why bother working on our mental health when everything seems grand? This is where the temptation to disconnect comes in.

The messages of this temptation come with some variation of “I don’t need God right now,” and so we relax our diligence in connecting with God and are vulnerable to the inevitable trial to come. Feeling that mountain high is a great indicator that it is time to connect with God through praise and worship.

Similarly, when you feel the alarm of anxiousness ringing loudly in your ears, this is the time to connect with God through prayer. Use anger as a reminder to wrestle with the Spirit in your own space (Proverbs 4:4). Use the sadness alarm as a reminder to lament.

Connection to others

Connection with others is next in importance. When our emotions and mental health seem to be in the clouds, alerting us that all is well, we can be tempted to disconnect from others just as much as from God. The message comes across within as, “I am having too much fun to connect with them, maybe later.” The emotional alarm of happiness and contentment is helpful if we use it as a reminder to connect with and invest in other people.

If your anxious alarm is going off, use it as a reminder to reach out for prayer. This connection with others is an opportunity to feed the good and helpful thoughts. Try to resist venting or emoting on others which weakens the connection.

If it’s anger that’s sounding the alarm, use connection with others to communicate the need for space. Schedule a time for reunification or for that person to check in with you. Neither isolation nor pursuing a fight will build connection.

As for sadness, this alarm can be helpful when used as a reminder to reach out for prayer. Similar to anxiety, praying with others is an opportunity to develop the good and helpful thoughts that are necessary for improving mental health.

Keep connected

Everyone can benefit from having a space and time to talk things out. Whether it be to gain a new perspective or to find direction. Connecting with God and others is an intentional regular practice for all levels of mental health.

It is one thing I do to improve my mental health as a Christian therapist. It looks like having a time with God through prayer, meditation, and Scripture reading. It also looks like having a person or small group of people to talk with.

If you are looking for or in need of a therapist to be this connection for you, connect with us online. Connection may be just one out of many tools, but it is a powerful one. It is accessible to all with the most basic to the most pressing mental health needs. Keep connected.

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3 Steps to Start Getting Your Mental Health Back

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Christians who struggle with mental health experience a multitude of symptoms. One of the biggest hurdles to starting to improve mental health functioning is a shame complex.

Shame says, “I shouldn’t be feeling this way.” This message can come from ourselves or those around us. No matter where the shame comes from, it creates a trap. This trap leads to isolation and isolation increases mental health issues.

Another message created from shame is any variation of “I don’t deserve to be better,” or “I’m not good enough.” These messages are more unhealthy self-talk that, again, leads Christians into a trap and more isolation.

A final variation of the messages the shame complex creates is slightly different from the first two. It’s the message of “I can’t shake it.” The shame that results from this is similar to “I’m not good enough” but it destroys any last bit of hope one may be grasping at. This message for the Christian, however, is more easily overcome than the first two in light of the following truths of Christianity:

  • God’s timing, not your timing.
  • God’s timing, not other’s timing.
  • There’s grace for that.

To overcome the shame complex and start getting your mental health back on track, you have to start focusing your mind on Christian messages like these. To break it down even further, here are three steps to start improving your mental health: evaluate, build, and connect.

  1. Evaluate your situation

To start getting your mental health back, you have to know how far gone it is. Take some time over the next week to evaluate how ingrained the negative mental habits are by asking “How long have I been thinking this way and battling these emotions?”

Another way to evaluate is to take notes about how pervasive the negative thoughts and emotions have become. Ask yourself, “Has this impacted my relationships? My daily life? My output at work? Are there any thought patterns I’ve noticed are repeating? How has my general mood been?” Finally, in taking the time to evaluate your current mental health status, if you are a Christian, you have a few extra questions to ask yourself.

The additional questions start with this: “Even if the problem with my mental health starts with someone else, is it really just a mental health issue or is it instead a heart issue?” The Christian’s heart needs constant examination. We may find a plank of bitterness, lack of grace, pride, selfishness, idolatry, and other sins blinding us to the best way to remedy the situation between us and another. The Bible’s teaching is your key, here.

If the problem with another continues to happen, we as Christians need to keep going to God, our heart doctor for both frequent heart checkups and support. A second step in this type of evaluation is to get a second opinion. This second opinion can come in the form of a pastor, a trusted Christian mentor, or a Christian therapist who can help you figure out what type of issue it is.

  1. Build the right supports

To start getting your mental health back, you must have support. With the shame complex, and any number of emotions, it can feel difficult to plug into support-especially the right supports. As difficult as it may be, to start getting your mental health back this year needs to be the year where you work on avoiding isolation.

Avoiding isolation may mean cutting screen time and getting in front of people in real life. It may also mean ditching the people who make you feel good but aren’t healthy for you.

Adding to the support of actual connections with healthy people in real life are routines and accountability. What you consume while trying to get your mental health back matters most. Take small bites of those healthier habits and over time you’ll grow in satisfaction. Look over all of your routines, from daily to weekly and beyond to adjust toward the goal over time and in every way.

Examples of “right supports” for getting your mental health back include, but are not limited to:

  • Reading the Bible (not a devotional).
  • Communing with and involving yourself with a fellowship group.
  • Develop a prayer team for yourself.
  • Attend church service in person weekly.
  • Play worship music.

These examples may seem less desirable or even trivial at this time. You may even think that you’re engaging with all or most of those supports and things are still hard. For the Christian, these supports are trustworthy and timeless. If these are in place and you feel you need even more support to start getting your mental health back, consider whether it is time to get counsel from a pastor or Christian therapist to see what else is missing.

  1. Connect with counsel

A final part of my top three ways to start getting your mental health back this year is to connect with wise counsel. Council adds to the daily and weekly supportive activities you already have been doing or are starting.

The more intense the needs of your mental health, or the more impactful your needs are, the more layers of support they will require. There is no guarantee or perfect formula but, generally speaking, counseling for the Christian increases from reading the Bible on your own, to talking with friends and family, to seeing a general practitioner or pastor for counseling, to seeing a specialist (therapist).

You may find benefit, as many do, in engaging in all of these levels of counsel. The source of counsel matters. For marriage, keep it out of the family ties unless following the teaching of the Bible to address a specific situation. For the Christian, it is important to check all counsel against the Word (even the counsel in this article).

Building support and counsel from the basics up diminishes variables of what could be missing and boosts mental health to weather the most difficult circumstances. These include trauma, physical deficits, difficult relationships, etc. All of which negatively impact mental health.

Take the time to work through these three steps to start getting your mental health back this year. If you want someone to help you with these steps or know you need a therapist to work with you, contact us at HuntingtonBeachChristiancounseling.com.

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Fear Factor: Unpacking Bible Verses about Fear and How to Overcome It

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Fear is an emotion that every person engages with at a range of intensity. It retains a unique role in our physiology to preserve well-being. Our adrenal system generates a fight, flight, or freeze response, a safety mechanism that can help us act with uncommon boldness outside of normal encounters and operates to keep us alive when confronted with danger or threat. Bible verses about fear can help.

There is a distinction between this fear and the spirit of fear. This is important for us to know as believers that we may live more fully aware of the abundance that Jesus came to give (John 10:10).

Bible verses about fear and the physical body

Our brain and body message one another to indicate the presence of actual and perceived threats. In life, we will encounter some legitimate fears, and we need to regard them with healthy caution and planning. Such fear can be useful to communicate when we need to distance ourselves from harm and make choices to preserve what is valuable.

When we are in a situation where our well-being is compromised, fear alerts us, so we can avert danger, protect ourselves, and swiftly act to shield those we love. We do not have to live under its control, rather it serves us as a tool.

Fear opposes the Father’s heart

The spirit of fear, however, works against our holistic sense of emotional and mental well-being, protection, and preservation. Instead of signaling or stirring us to action when we need to help ourselves or those whom we are responsible for, the spirit of fear disables our ability to act in a healthy manner. It seeks to dissolve the mind of Christ as believers, emotional stability, and mental soundness.

The spirit of fear works to detach us from our identity and foster a sense of isolation. It creates over-reaction in our responses to happenings or even events that do not take place at all. Bible verses about fear inform us that we are no longer orphaned, but rather the Father has adopted and affirmed us as His heirs and joint heirs with Christ (Romans 8:17).

Thus the antidote to this fear is the presence of God and the salvation/freedom we find in Christ. The fear of the Lord is to be greater than this spirit of fear, in this respect, as God is a loving Father whose nature is to protect and provide for His own.

The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” – Romans 8:15, NIV

The spirit of fear overwhelms us, causing us to vacillate between extremes. It injects agitation in place of peace, anguish over rest, and preoccupation rather than purposefulness. Rarely does it travel alone, but rather brings companions, many of which afflict our mental and emotional health with worry, stress, comparison, perfectionism, procrastination, anger, and more.

Left unchecked, the sinful influence behind the spirit of fear seeks to expand and infiltrate every aspect of our lives (Matthew 12:43-45). Bible verses about fear will reveal that the mind of our flesh would otherwise hasten us onto a destructive path, consuming us with a sense of panic and doom instead of conveying the life and peace available in Jesus (Romans 8:6).

Bible verses about fear and the family of God

While it may be initially unnerving to explore the root of what stokes and perpetuates fear’s attempt to dominate, we do not have to remain imprisoned by it. Instead, we can embrace the joy, peace, and victory that Jesus purposed to transcend every area of life (John 10:10, 15:11, 16:33).

Many remain in fear and struggle to find peace. By understanding who God is, His law, and His promises, peace, and joy are more readily available. Taking time to explore Bible verses about fear can help us to understand and embrace the purity of the Father’s intentions toward us and the expanse of His Heart (Ephesians 3:18-21).

God created us to live in confidence, aware of His care and protection. He safeguards us from the dangers we see as well as the threats we do not (Psalm 91:1-4). Our assurance emerges from acceptance of our adoption into the family of God, no longer enslaved to the spirit of fear (Ephesians 1:6; Romans 8:15).

One can explore more of this fatherly grace and concern by studying a letter that the Apostle Paul wrote to Timothy (1 Timothy). The elder admonished the younger minister that the Father had provided an avenue for him to encounter and experience triumph over the spirit of fear. Paul clarified Timothy’s portion of God’s power, evident in the fruit, gifts, and demonstrations of the Holy Spirit and love.

Jesus’ selfless sacrifice influences all we say and do. Furthermore, a sound mind or self-control would serve to preserve Timothy, as well as modern-day believers from succumbing to the weight of actual and perceived threats confronted in this world (2 Timothy 1:7; Galatians 5:22-23).

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. – 2 Timothy 1:7, ESV

Fear and the finished work of Christ

We have a personalized encouragement to embrace our identity and abide in Christ (John 15:4). The finished work of Jesus equips us to break our unconscious agreement with striving and toil, and trade it for total rest (Matthew 11:28-30). The authority that accompanies our worthy calling as kingdom sons and daughters empowers us to reclaim areas of our lives that we have ceded over to the spirit of fear (Ephesians 4:1-3).

Though fear torments, the perfect, whole, and mature love of the Father drives fear out of its hiding places, dismantles its assault against our peace, and deconstructs its attempts to undermine our spiritual, mental, and emotional health (1 John 4:18). The character of God, as love, patience, and kindness, annihilates the hateful, fretful, and self-absorbed nature of the spirit of fear (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

Fear and freedom

Jesus promises triumph, having fulfilled it in the miracles in the Bible and in the miracles we experience as believers (Mark 16:17-18; John 21:25). Even as Jesus initiated public ministry, He recited the words that Isaiah had prophesied about the Messiah centuries before His birth (Luke 4:21). As the Anointed One, Christ came to bind brokenness, set captives free, restore joy to the mourning, and to exchange the beauty of His life for death’s ashes (Isaiah 61:1-4).

He demonstrated perfect love which arrived at just the right time (Romans 5:8). He drove out the punishment associated with the spirit of fear and condemnation. This means we no longer have to be bound to shame, but rather freed to anticipate a hopeful future with Jesus, now through eternity (Romans 8:1; 1 John 5:4; 2 Timothy 2:11-13).

Fear and your future

While the enemy cannot cancel our destiny, he can persuade us to abort course and sabotage ourselves when we entertain what Scripture calls vain imaginations or worthless thoughts (2 Corinthians 10:4-5). We do not have to acquiesce to his fearful demands to succumb to the spirit of fear and its attempt to control our minds and consume our lives.

When the spirit of fear stalks and harasses, rehearsing Bible verses counters fear and serves to encourage us to act on the Word we have heard (James 1:22-25). Partnering with the Holy Spirit to remind ourselves of the promises embedded in Scripture will help us to speak boldly. It will help us walk in victory with each obedient step, empowering us to overcome the fear factor and its desire to erase the presence of God from our focus (Isaiah 41:10).

Learn more Bible verses about fear

Consider where fear has gripped your life with its threats. You do not have to remain in this place, even if it seems to have occupied your mind and heart for as long as you can remember. Search the resources on this site. Select a counselor and schedule an appointment. God has more for you to experience and enjoy, outside of where fear has kept you imprisoned.

References:
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/fight-flight-or-freeze-response#fight-or-flight
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Different Types of Eating Disorders: Anorexia Nervosa

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Probably the most well-known of the different types of eating disorders is anorexia nervosa. According to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD) statistics, “anorexia has the highest case mortality rate and the second highest crude mortality rate of any mental illness.”

The good news is that anorexia is treatable, and you can get your physical and mental health back on track with medical and psychological help.

What is anorexia nervosa?

Anorexia nervosa (commonly referred to as anorexia) is a dangerous eating disorder with a high mortality rate. Those with anorexia suffer from more than emotional turmoil; their physical health is in jeopardy.

Anorexia behavior includes starvation. This may be a blatant refusal of food or eating minimal food when offered. The most common symptom of anorexia is a gaunt and underweight appearance. Bones may be visible without clothing. The person with anorexia may see themselves differently in the mirror, however. Anorexia is often comorbid with body dysmorphic disorder. They may see themselves as larger than they are or have a deep-seated fear of gaining weight.

According to the ANAD statistics, out of the different types of eating disorders, those with anorexia face an 18% higher suicide rate than their peers without an eating disorder. Those with anorexia can also encounter more degenerate physical health. Medical treatment is a priority for these patients. Once their physical health is stable, the work to heal the psychological damage can commence.

The symptoms of anorexia nervosa.

The symptoms of anorexia include:

  • Refusing to eat.
  • Denying hunger.
  • Only eating specific foods with little to no nutritional value.
  • Adhering to rigid food rules.
  • Starving oneself.
  • Underweight.
  • Protruding bones under clothing.
  • Brittle hair and nails.
  • Dry skin.
  • Severe dehydration.
  • Dizziness.
  • Fainting.
  • Low blood pressure.
  • Slow heart rate.
  • Nutritional deficiencies.
  • Anxiety.
  • Depression.
  • Poor body image.
  • Irregular periods or amenorrhea.

Due to the nutritional deficiencies and extreme weight loss, physical health is a concern. If left untreated, anorexia can lead to organ failure. Medical professionals prioritize physical health to help the patient’s body stabilize.

Treatment for anorexia nervosa.

Once the person with anorexia is stable physically, treatment for the mental disorder can begin. A counselor will assess the person’s behavior and listen to them share their thoughts and emotions before creating a care plan. To treat the compulsions that drive anorexic behavior, counselors must understand the thoughts behind the actions. The counselor and client build a rapport and a safe relationship that allows the freedom to share.

Counselors may use several different types of eating disorder treatments depending on the client’s assessment and level of severity of anorexia.

Individual talk therapy.

There may be a reason that a client turns to anorexia that goes beyond wanting to be a smaller size or not wanting to gain weight. Exactly why do they feel the need? Why are they afraid? A counselor helps the client work through these issues and triggers.

 

Group therapy.

People are stronger together, especially those who have overcome anorexia, and are willing to share with others. Group therapy is a safe space to share and gain insight from others while being led by a professional mental health care worker.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

This technique helps clients to identify triggers, emotions, and thoughts that lead to anorexic behaviors. The client then can work with the counselor to learn ways to re-frame those thoughts and actions.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).

Although not explicitly created for eating disorders, DBT has proven helpful in helping a client with anorexia (or bulimia or binge eating) manage stressors and relationships instead of turning to the harmful behaviors associated with anorexia.

Nutrition education.

Nutritional education is a must to help the client adapt to a regular eating schedule with proper portions and variety. The menu may change as the client becomes healthier, allowing for a greater variety, but in the beginning, checking in with a nutritionist will keep treatment on track.

A counselor may incorporate several methods to help a client with anorexia. They may meet in person, virtually, or a combination of both.

Counseling for different types of eating disorders.

From the different types of eating disorders, do you struggle with anorexia nervosa? Do the symptoms sound familiar, but you do not quite meet the criteria for a full-blown eating disorder?

We can help. Contact our office today at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling in California to schedule an assessment with a Christian counselor in Huntington Beach. Your counselor will assess your health and help you connect with medical treatment if necessary while you work on the emotional and mental healing from anorexia.

Resources:
https://anad.org/eating-disorder-statistic/
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What You Can Expect and Hope to Gain from Family Counseling

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Functional families are often believed to be the bedrock of our society. They are the most basic unit of a community and even government. They provide and secure members’ health, education, and their interests. This is why family counseling can be of use.

However, negative behavior of any individual member of the family can cause fractures in the unit, and often professional therapy is an effective source of support and help. Family counseling is a type of counseling that not only assists individuals within the family but the family as a single group.

If you wonder whether family therapy will be helpful to your family as it deals with particular stresses, this article will briefly describe the skills of a family counselor and the different instances families find counseling beneficial.

Family counseling helps in these ways.

Of course, families are unique and therefore several types of therapy can be used to support them through family counseling.

Two common types are solution-focused brief therapy as well as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Solution-focused brief therapy sets out short-term goals for the therapy sessions and incorporates positive psychology principles and practices. This helps families focus on the solution instead of the problem.

The type of therapy is described as hope-friendly and looks to bring out positive emotions to help create a future orientation for the family as they work together in a motivated way to implement the agreed sustainable behavioral change.

In other words, the point of solution-focused brief therapy is for the family to work together to solve their own problems.

The second type of therapy is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which helps families to notice and understand ways of thinking that are not helpful, and sometimes harmful. New ways of thinking are nurtured.

Types of problems tackled during family counseling.

Professionals involved in family therapy are trained to assist with a broad spectrum of significant clinical problems. Some of these may include:

  • Anxiety and depression.
  • Marriage problems.
  • Individual mental and mood issues.
  • Complex dynamics surrounding the parent-child relationship.

Family counseling professionals are often mental health professionals and practitioners who have professional training and years of clinical practice experience. These professionals are licensed as Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists to consider, determine, and treat mental and emotional disorders, issues with health and behavior, as well as the relationship complexities that surround couples, marriage, and families.

Research shows that in some cases marriage and family therapy results in better outcomes than individual counseling for mental health problems, for example:

  • Adult alcoholism.
  • Adult schizophrenia.
  • Affective or mood disorder.
  • Anorexia in young adult women.
  • Childhood autism.
  • Childhood conduct disorders .
  • Chronic physical illness in adults and children.
  • Drug abuse in adolescents and adults.
  • Marital distress disputes.

The need for family counseling professionals.

Studies verify the successful impact family counseling professionals have in treating a wide variety of significant and complex problems that beset families. Further research finds that the families who went for counseling were pleased and satisfied with the help they received from marriage and family health therapists.

The results from studies showed that more than 85% of clients reported that their emotional health improved, and almost 75% of parents with children reported better behavior inside and outside the family unit, as well as an improvement in overall school performance.

Similar findings among adults in the family unit show that as health, emotional, and mental disorders are helped through family counseling, there are improvements in professional productivity and relationships, social life, involvement in the community, and overall well-being.

Looking for the type of help that family therapy provides?

If you are looking for the type of help that family therapy provides, please browse our online counselor directory or contact our office at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to schedule an appointment. The Christian counselors in Huntington Beach, California would be honored to walk with you on this journey.

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3 Ways to Overcome Abandonment Issues

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As people, we are wired for attachment. From the moment a baby is born, they seek out the breast of the mother that carried them, and the nature of that first relationship sets the course for who we become. While many are fortunate to be born into loving homes with parents that take care to fulfill the needs of their children, this is not the case for everyone living in this broken world. Neglect, abuse, divorce, or death can leave a child feeling rejected and insecure, which can develop into abandonment issues later in life.

A person with abandonment issues has a pervasive fear of losing relationships with those they value most, and this can manifest in a number of different ways. They generally suffer from low self-esteem, feeling that they are unlovable, and can recreate the trauma they experienced by pursuing relationships with individuals who are emotionally unavailable.

Their sense of worthlessness pervades into many areas of their life, with failures serving to reinforce this narrative. Other symptoms of abandonment are a sense of distrust in people, hyper-sensitivity, and negative emotions like anger, fear, and jealousy together with anxiety and depression.

Abandonment issues can also be the result of more subtle influences, and can stem from a perception a child has of being neglected by a caregiver, or other factors such as excessive bullying from a sibling, being criticized as a child, or a parent who suffered mental health or substance abuse issues.

While we all have some level of fear of abandonment, when a person is crippled by their abandonment issues, their lives are affected in a negative way. The good news is that no matter how severe this fear is, as Christians we have the power of Christ at work in us to heal us from these emotional wounds.

3 Ways to Overcome Abandonment Issues

Together with a trained Biblical counselor, a person who has recognized abandonment issues in themselves and who wants to move past them, can uproot the stronghold that fear of abandonment has created.

Some ways to work through this include:

Root yourself in your value as a child of God.

While God has made us to have a strong connection with our parents, and they serve an important role in giving us the love and care we need to thrive, He is our perfect Father. Our earthly parents may fail us, and that may have caused abandonment issues. However, we are not stuck there.

Together with a Christian counselor, we can meditate and accept the truth of the promise that our value is not found in what we do or our family of origin. Rather, our identity is that we are a child of God. John 3:16 reminds us that the ultimate demonstration of God’s love for us is that He sent His own son, Jesus, to die on the cross, so that we can have a redeemed relationship with Him.

Take your fears captive.

The sad part of any trauma is that the narrative is difficult to escape from. We might accept a level of disassociation and be freed from it, only to find our abandonment issues erupting in the most unexpected places. Part of thecounseling process involves developing the strategy and habit to take these thoughts captive.

As Corinthians 2 10:5 tells us, we are to “demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” While this can seem hard at first, through prayer and practice, it is possible to replace negative thoughts with those that are “true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy.” (Philippians 4:8)

Give yourself compassion.

While it might be relatively easy to be compassionate and caring toward others, people with abandonment issues can find it extremely difficult to show compassion toward themselves. Part of working through the issue is coming to terms with the fact that they were not responsible for what happened.

Often, children can take on the weight of the responsibility for a divorce or an abusive parent, but this step is about thinking through what happened and being kind to that little person who suffered, and to the adult they have become.

Getting help to overcome.

If you are struggling with getting to a point where you feel confident in your own value as a person, loved by God, and feel that your abandonment issues are preventing you from enjoying relationships and living a full life, do not hesitate to contact a Christian counselor to start your healing journey.

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2 Benefits of Marriage Counseling and 3 Disadvantages

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The difficulties with marriage start at the beginning of a relationship. No one starts a relationship looking to end up in marriage counseling one day, but from the very start of “I think I like you” to the “I do” and beyond, there are certain difficulties that each couple will face

Some of these difficulties require more work than others. A majority of the troubles that couples face can benefit from marriage therapy. As with any tool, however, there are both benefits and disadvantages to marriage counseling.

Two benefits of marriage counseling.

For any couple working with a marriage counselor, there are benefits to reap once the work has been done to find a counselor that fits. The premise of marriage counseling is to assist couples in their relationship with themselves, one another, and the systems around them.

Choosing to work in such a context should not be a light decision, nor should it be a one-sided decision. Couples who come to counseling need to decide together that they are there to do the work, otherwise there are likely to be no benefits at all.

Communication.

One of the top benefits that can come from marriage counseling is improved communication. Even starting to talk about marriage therapy, whether for premarital, newly married couples, or long-time married couples can bring about better talk as a couple. This “pre-talk” allows the couple to define the terms, establish a reasonable assessment of how important the marriage is to one another, and explore what areas need to be worked on most.

While in marriage counseling, a counselor can help the couple improve their communication by supplying mediation and skill training. With a counselor acting as a mediator, couples have the advantage of slowing their communication down.

The counselor makes room for pausing and reflecting. This sort of mediation allows for couples to be heard by one another and get their point across more effectively. The mediation of a counselor helps couples to create safe boundaries while navigating conflict.

Skill training helps the couple increase their active and reflective listening. Skill training also serves to increase the couple’s positive communication by allowing them to practice filtering and shaping their words. By improving communication, the couple’s intimacy is increased and thereby overall satisfaction in the relationship.

Longevity.

Marriages start with the desire for the relationship to last and in order to have a lasting marriage, there needs to be a certain level of satisfaction. In other words, decreased satisfaction in times of conflict can jeopardize the marriage. In order to increase satisfaction between the couple, marriage counselors support them in developing better communication, conflict resolution, and empathy skills.

With an increase in these skills, the couple can feel more understood, more at ease, and more willing to be vulnerable. This leads to the couple having their needs met. As conflict decreases and needs are increasingly met, the satisfaction of the relationship increases. This increase in satisfaction improves the longevity of the relationship exponentially.

Three disadvantages of marriage counseling.

There are both benefits of marriage counseling and disadvantages. Two of the benefits of marriage counseling discussed above are communication and longevity. These play into one another, just as the disadvantages do. Disadvantages of marriage counseling can include areas of conflict resolution, self-discipline, and that it is not a “one-size-fits-all” intervention.

Conflict resolution.

Every marriage has its moments of conflict. Within couples therapy, couples are spending time addressing that conflict in hopes of a resolution. The disadvantage to this is that it can stir up the conflict and leave the couple more hurt before any resolution comes. Counseling takes time, and there are no guarantees with it. This means things can get worse before they get better.

Another aspect of conflict resolution is that often within marriage counseling, working on a current conflict brings up conflicts from the past. This leaves couples to face multiple conflicts at once. Any work with conflict resolution creates the opportunity for immense individual growth and strengthening of skills.

Working with a marriage counselor on resolving conflict in a marriage can help the couple develop a plan that improves their marriage. However, the plan will not be void of hard work and the facing of more difficult pain. Each individual has to make the decision to face the amount of work that conflict resolution presents them with.

Self-discipline.

Getting married to someone doesn’t mean that person is perfect. There is often an understanding within the relationship that there is room for each individual to grow. What can be unknown at times is the level of self-discipline it will take to both grow and endure the other’s need for growth.

Marriage counselors hold a unique position with a couple to both help the individuals see the need for self-discipline or growth, as well as to support them in building the skills necessary to achieve it. These skills include brain re-training, empathy building, behavior modification, habit training, etc.

Learning new skills and practicing new roles within the marriage requires self-discipline. As with any discipline, it is not easy to endure. The temporary pain is sometimes determined to not be worth the long-term gain. Marriage counseling requires the individuals to face this reality and own up to it.

Not a “one-size-fits-all” intervention.

Each individual in a marriage has the choice to both enter into and stay in marriage counseling. This requires multiple things to be right in order for it to work. For marriage therapy specifically, both individuals must agree to commit to the marriage and work on it, otherwise it is just individual counseling with an extra person in the room.

Once commitment to the marriage is secured, both individuals need to agree on who they work with. If one person feels uncomfortable with the counselor, or both, it will be an uphill battle while the couple is already wounded. After deciding that continuing the marriage is right for the couple and that the counselor is right for the couple, the couple then needs to decide at some point whether or not the counseling is serving the marriage well.

This decision can be the most difficult part to face, leaving the couple at a strong disadvantage. The difficulty lies within the hard work that facing conflict creates. Due to there being no guarantees in therapy, enduring hard work can leave the couple feeling more depleted than simply enduring the conflict, and thereby become a confusing time when they have to decide whether to continue counseling or not.

Marriage counseling is not the only way for couples to improve their marriage. In fact, for some it may create more conflict in a way that proves ineffective at addressing any original conflicts at hand. Sometimes talking things out and expressing feelings does not serve the purpose of resolution. Marriage counseling may not fit the relationship dynamics, circumstances, or even culture of the couple.

Is marriage counseling worth it?

Marriage counseling is a tool for couples to use just like any other tool. It is meant to support the couple in the growth and longevity of their relationship with each other. Whether the disadvantages outweigh the advantages really comes down to the married couple. If you are ready to explore more regarding whether marriage counseling is right for you, reach out to a counselor near you.

Photos:
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Trauma and Friendship: 3 Ways One Impacts the Other

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If you have been through trauma, whether as a child or as an adult, you might recognize symptoms such as loss of hope, fear of the future, and a preoccupation with death either of oneself or a loved one. These can be related to physical trauma or trauma associated with grief and loss. But even psychological trauma, such as what can result from emotional neglect, impacts bonds typically formed in friendship.

What is trauma?

The American Psychological Association defines trauma as “an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape or natural disaster.”

Trauma can be caused by a one-time event or by a series of events and circumstances. A person can undergo childhood trauma due to situations beyond his control, such as experiencing homelessness and food insecurity or witnessing abuse in the home. A pattern of trauma responses can be immediate and long-lasting.

What are short-term trauma responses?

Immediate responses to trauma include shock, denial, and a refusal to believe new ways of life are possible. These responses may last anywhere from a day or two to weeks or months after the event(s) occurred.

Long-term trauma responses.

Long-term trauma responses may be more relational. If a person who lost her mother as a young child struggles to bond with females, this could be a result of trauma. Other long-term responses may be depression, fear of future loss that impacts a person’s willingness to be vulnerable, and physical symptoms such as headaches and nausea.

How do trauma and friendship interact?

Experiencing trauma doesn’t necessarily mean you will always struggle to form friendship bonds. However, some research suggests that those who experience post-traumatic stress disorder may be slower to form attachment bonds because of it.

Getting help early from a trained, trusted professional counselor can be an asset to anyone who has experienced trauma. Friendships can thrive post-trauma if a person can overcome and move forward after the traumatic event has taken place. New studies show that adult friendships may even help a person recover from trauma.

Here are three ways that trauma impacts friendship and friendship impacts trauma recovery.

1. Trauma can make a person feel isolated if he or she doesn’t know anyone else who has experienced trauma.

Trauma impacts everyone differently. Our responses to it are largely determined by our personalities and wiring, our health history, and our support from friends and family. When someone, particularly children and teens, goes through something traumatic, they can naturally separate themselves from others – thus struggling to bond and form friendships – out of fear of being different or not being able to relate to other kids and teens.

2. Trauma can make everyday life difficult and turn grief into complex grief over time.

If a person is impacted by a traumatic event where they lost a loved one, such as in a car accident where a family member died, it’s essential to understand the signs of post-traumatic stress disorder. Seeking treatment as early as possible is important. Research shows that untreated PTSD can result in complex grief. This can disrupt a person’s daily rhythms, making it tough to work, study, or share common experiences with friends.

3. Friendship can bring healing to those who suffered childhood trauma.

Studies suggest that forming friendships in later adult life keeps a person’s immune system healthy. But these friendships can also bring healing and hope to those who have undergone trauma early in life. If you have noticed that a traumatic event has impacted your friendships, contact one of our offices today. A licensed counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you on the journey toward healing and wholeness.

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Moving Past Postpartum Blues

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Your baby is finally here. After months of growing and developing into a tiny human, your little one has made an entrance. You know you should be elated, but something feels off. Postpartum blues is real and can last a few weeks as your hormones shift from pregnancy to the recovery period.

How do you move past postpartum blues and get back to enjoying your new baby?

Getting back on track after postpartum blues.

You may have felt happy, joyful, and serene right after the birth of your baby, but after the first week of no sleep, constant diaper changes, learning how to care for a newborn, and shifts in hormones, you feel the opposite.

This is a normal occurrence. Hormones control our emotions and moods, and as estrogen and progesterone levels decrease, you may experience postpartum blues with mood swings, sadness, and anxiety for a few weeks.

The good news is that the postpartum blues only last about two weeks, then your hormones stabilize. When the emotions do not seem to be stabilizing and you continue to experience mood swings, sadness, and/or anxiety, it is important to check in with your healthcare provider. While experiencing these emotional lows is normal after birth, there are things you can do to help ease your way through this time.

Increase rest and nutrition.

This may sound easier said than done, but as your hormones adjust, it is the most important time for you and your baby to focus on rest and nutrition. Keeping your body fed and hydrated will boost your ability to weather the baby blues. Resting may not come easy as life can be full of demands, but finding a way to incorporate it whenever possible is a must.

One of my favorite pieces of advice in this area was from a midwife who said, “stock up on one-handed foods.” The unpredictable schedule and demands of a newborn will seem at odds with the times you are hungry. One-handed, nutrient rich and/or simple foods are a great go-to.

If you are unable to sleep whenever the baby sleeps, that’s okay. Increasing rest can also look like decreasing the energy you expend or creating a restful environment. Dim the lights, light a candle, time-block for quiet activities, and set the mood for relaxation for the whole family.

Find help with the baby and the house.

The overwhelming feelings may be more acute if you are trying to manage a newborn on your own. The first few weeks of an infant’s life are also a challenge for them. They must adapt to sights, sounds, and smells they did not have in the womb. In addition, they have no way of communicating except through crying.

This trying period will pass as your baby grows and adapts, but in the meantime, you need help. Do you have a spouse that can take over while you get some sleep? How about a parent or sibling who can handle the daily chores like dishes and laundry? A friend who can bring you a meal, sit with you, or hold the baby while you shower? Asking for help is a sign of strength. Many people will want to help you, but they will need your permission.

If you are preparing for your baby’s birth and are reading this to know what to expect, take the time to recruit help now. From anything to setting up a meal train, to driving siblings to their appointments, to walking the dog and cleaning your house.

There are things you can do for yourself as well. To save time during those first few weeks, consider cooking and freezing meals for when your family is too tired to cook. Consider reducing physical clutter and daily routines to the necessities. Even stocking up on paper plates and disposable cutlery.

If you have a large family, teach your older children to do certain chores, like taking out the trash, running the vacuum, and dusting. Even little ones can fold the towels and washcloths; their work may not be perfect, but it will be done and one less thing for you to think about.

Focus on less.

Now may be a time when focusing on less or slowing down may not be possible. Maybe you are in the middle of a school program, have to go back to work immediately, or are raising other kids who haven’t reached a significant independence level.

Even if that is the case, something will have to give. The attention a baby demands, coupled with the struggles of the baby blues, makes it necessary to slim down the daily doings to the minimum. If you are able to before the baby comes, make a list of things in your days that can be altered to an easier form for the transition of this new baby.

Focusing on less while you are facing the baby blues can be difficult if you are not prepared to take it easy. You may be struggling with doubt, guilt, or other negative influences. If you are unable to prepare prior to having the baby, three ways to focus on less immediately are:

  • Recognize the negative and unrealistic message of having to “do it all” during this time and replace it with “I am doing what’s most important” by tending to the needs of the new baby and taking care for yourself so you have enough to keep going.
  • Remind yourself that it is a different season that will pass quickly and you will find a new way to get things done eventually.
  • As “eventually” may not come as quickly as one would like, remind yourself the days are long, but the years fly by and take as many deep breaths as you need.

Facing the baby blues is difficult for any momma, even a seasoned one. Seeking help is another way to start immediately focusing on less and getting the most important work done.

Seek support.

You are not alone. Postpartum blues affects up to 70% of new mothers. You may still develop the postpartum blues even if this is not your first child. Seek support if you struggle with symptoms or have questions for other women.

You can find support through online communities or live local groups. Your obstetrician, pediatrician, or lactation consultant may be able to recommend a group or community you can join. Some groups meet at hospitals and clinics.

You can also find Mothers groups that consist of women who have children from birth through age five. These groups offer invaluable insight and activities for children while the mothers provide advice and ask questions. They may also host events or Mother’s Day Out opportunities.

You don’t need to leave anyone off the list when it comes to seeking support. From your church to your neighbors, from your county organizations to your online communities, finding people to help doesn’t have to be limited to family and close friends.

As long as you can trust them with even as small a task as providing clothes for the new baby or taking your trash cans out for trash day, it can help ease the burdens and lighten the weight of the baby blues.

Accept your body in the moment.

Postpartum blues can worsen our perceptions and expectations about our bodies after a baby. Sometimes we expect our bodies to bounce back quickly after a child is born. We become disappointed and depressed if we still weigh the same as we did when carrying a six to nine-pound baby.

Most likely, you are still retaining extra fluid, and if you are breastfeeding, your new milk supply may alter the fluid content and weight. You may not be able to wear your pre-pregnancy clothes for weeks or months after birth. This is normal. As your body adapts to the changes, overall change towards your former body will happen.

In the meantime, give yourself grace. You may not like what you see in the mirror when your clothes are off, but remember that you just gave birth to a baby. The process of pregnancy and birth is a miracle. Your body nurtured and protected a child for nine months. Accept and practice gratitude for the body God blessed you with that could participate in this miracle.

Stop the comparing.

Becoming a mother is an honor and a blessing. But we can romanticize pregnancy, birth, and new motherhood. We admire other mothers on social media who seem to have it all together. These women may show organized nurseries, svelte bodies, and sleeping babes on their newsfeeds.

What they are not sharing with you are the same issues you are dealing with having a newborn. These women also have laundry, dirty diapers, painful breasts, and spit up on their clothes.

Your schedule may not be what you expected, but it may be the one that will have to work for you and your family temporarily. Your new baby might be your fifth, but is the exact opposite of their siblings. Your home may look like a nursery exploded inside for the first few weeks. Accept that things will not be perfect, call on people to help, and let the rest go for now. Learn to pivot instead of compare and you will adapt more easily.

If you give birth to your new baby right before a holiday, accept that this year will be different, and don’t stress yourself out trying to make it magical. Instead, request more help or scale down on the lavishness. For example, if your baby is born a week or two before Thanksgiving, you might choose to stay home and have a premade meal delivered instead of traveling for two hours to visit extended family. Do things that will make life easier postpartum, not harder.

Postpartum blues can leave you feeling very impressionable. While avoiding comparing with those who seem to have it easier or more together, it is also worth the caution to avoid surrounding yourself only with others struggling with the same things, as it can lead to a worsening of your symptoms.

Is it postpartum blues or depression?

Sometimes the postpartum blues is really depression. Postpartum depression is more intense and can last months. If you are experiencing persistent sadness as if a cloud hangs over you, you cannot seem to bond with your baby, or you are having thoughts of harming yourself or your infant, reach out for help immediately. Postpartum depression is treatable with the assistance of a licensed mental health care practitioner.

Contact our office today to speak with a therapist. Your therapist can offer more information about the postpartum recovery period and methods to overcome the postpartum blues.

Photos:
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