Viewing Family Counseling as Rhythm Rather Than Rehab

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Depending on how you grew up, it’s easy to see family counseling as a quick fix, a solution to a series of problems, or even a shameful experience. However, what if you could view it as a rhythm instead of a rehab project?

Unpacking Your View of Family Counseling

If you look at your perspective as a suitcase, you can compare it to when you arrive home after traveling. The way you unpack usually relates to a few factors:

  • Your time
  • Your values
  • Your priorities
  • Your awareness

Your Time

Spending fifteen minutes unpacking your bag is what a frequent traveler does. You probably packed your bag for home strategically; you washed laundry before leaving, or you packed dirty clothes in a separate bag. Your toiletries are neatly organized, as are your books, laptop, etc.

Someone who doesn’t travel much may just throw everything into the same bag. When they get home, they have to sort it, figure out what’s dirty and what’s clean, and walk from one room to the next to put things away. It can be a process that takes longer.

The same can be said of a person who grew up with strong time factors in their family of origin. If time were viewed as a commodity in your household, you might have been in a rush to get to school, carrying a full calendar of responsibilities and involvements. Your parents may have both worked, or perhaps you were raised in a single-parent household where time was tight.

When you grow up with a tight timeline, one of the impacts can be a lack of investment in emotional and mental margin.

Your family may have focused on basics such as everyday needs, jobs, food, and household chores. You might have, knowingly or unknowingly, been coached to not pay as much attention to your internal world. If something negative popped up, it could easily be swept aside for the more pragmatic demands on your time.

If your household and family spent time investing in emotional and mental wellness, it might be that your parents went to counseling, took time to exercise, read, or set aside time in the calendar to include refreshment and retreats. While it will look different in all families, this tendency to separate downtime is important when it comes to how you view family counseling. It might mean you see it as a value.

Your Values

Your values can impact how you unpack after a trip. If you value jumping back into the routine, unpacking may be first on your list. You want to get back to daily business, which is easier if everything is in its place.

But if you struggle with routine and you naturally value adventure and experiences more, the act of unpacking is embedded with a host of emotions and, possibly, even a hesitance to rejoin regular life. You could be avoiding the old to-do list, ready to plan the next vacation, or struggling with resentment about something you’d rather not return to now that you’re back from your trip.

The same is true of our values. What we value directly influences how we spend our time, and how we spend our time reflects what we value.

Just because you haven’t put an appointment on the calendar to see a counselor doesn’t mean you don’t value family counseling. When it comes to mental wellness for the entire family, there could be a host of different obstacles.

It might be that you, a concerned parent, value counseling that keeps the family communicating well. But maybe your spouse isn’t on the same page or one of your children doesn’t see the need for it.

To cling to something as a value, it has to carry purpose and meaning for the value holder.

Speaking about a set of business values, a lack of meaning is like the smoke that signals there’s a fire, according to author Patrick M. Lencioni, who wrote “Make Your Values Mean Something” in a July 2002 Harvard Business Review article. He wrote about corporate value statements often being hollow precisely because they do not carry weight with those who work at the company, which he says is a shame.

But they don’t have to be void of significance.

“Values can set a company apart from the competition by clarifying its identity and serving as a rallying point for employees. But coming up with strong values – and sticking to them – requires real guts,” he writes.

When you apply this clarification to a family unit, it’s similar; just because one family member places significance on family counseling, it does not mean everyone else will. Instead, finding common values that hit the core of each family member is the way forward.

For example, if every person in your family places importance on physical activity and health, it will show in each person’s time management. Does your spouse knock off work early on Fridays to play half a round of golf? Will your daughter eat just about any vegetable you put in front of her so that she finishes dinner quickly and gets to gymnastics early to perfect her routine?

Compile those priorities with your commitment to meet your friend to walk each week and your son’s commitment to head to the gym each morning, and you have a true core value. A core value is something that is intrinsically held dear; nobody has to convince you to do it because it’s a concern, activity, or belief that you are convinced of already.

So, how do you transform a family that doesn’t wholeheartedly embrace family counseling as a value?

Start by exploring what each person values

A famous quote and parenting meme, originally coined by Catherine M. Wallace, says, “If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”

This is great advice when you are trying to decipher what your kids value. Ask them why something matters to them and then listen.

Look at how you and your spouse spend your time

Often, our values go unspoken. We place value on activities, relationships, and material goods without even realizing it until we look at where our time goes. If you spend two hours cooking a gourmet meal each weekend but doing laundry always seems avoidable, it shows that you likely value a home-cooked meal more than freshly folded clothes.

The same holds true for your spouse. Ask him why he does what he does or spends his time the way he spends it. It’s a great way to learn something new about your partner.

Ask yourself what you really want out of life

Go beyond the bucket list. Instead of writing down ten things you want to try before you die, ask yourself what you’d regret not spending your time on if you knew you had mere months left to live.

This kind of black-and-white question has a way of trimming the superfluous pursuits in life and making what matters stand out.

After all of this, you might feel it’s over the top just to get to family counseling.

However, if you and your spouse and/or kids attend family counseling with only your buy-in, it may not go as far as you think it will. But if you can tie it to one of the values you each already hold in life, you’re starting from a good place.

For example, if you discover that everyone in our family values a household that is calm and harmonious, where everyone is free to be who they truly are, that’s a great reason to make family counseling a rhythm. Talking about issues before they become major obstacles is a wonderful way to keep small conflicts from becoming big ones.

Your Priorities

Once you’ve figured out how your family values relate to family counseling, it’s time to look at the family priorities. Priorities are different from values; they are what get pushed to the proverbial front of the line.

If your teenage son says he values his independence, but he has yet to study or take his learner’s permit test, it just means his priorities do not hold the same weight as his values. He may value independence, but until he makes learning how to drive a priority, his freedom will suffer, and his value will go unpracticed.

Your Awareness

Finally, pay attention to what you pay attention to. In other words, awareness is a large contributor to family counseling. The good news is that our awareness, like our time, values, and priorities, can be shaped and transformed over time.

Family counseling gives you the perspective to help you become more aware of how you feel and how your family members are doing. This breeds more awareness and creates a rhythm so that family counseling isn’t a Band-Aid to fix a problem. It’s a way of life that helps your family interact better together.

To find a place where your family can grow in family counseling, contact our office today.

Photos:
“Injury”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Counseling Session”, Courtesy of Hrant Khachatryan, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Overwhelmed”, Courtesy of Nik Shuliahin, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Signs of Anger Issues to Be Wary of

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Anger is one of those emotions that seems big, bold, brash, and hard to hide. That’s because in a lot of instances, when people feel and express their anger, that’s the form it takes. There are endless stories about anger gone wrong, whether at a family gathering like a wedding, Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or dustups between perfect strangers at a local buffet, restaurant, gas station, or parking lot. The internet sometimes seems to run on anger.

With anger so prominent in everyday situations, you’d think we’d be better at identifying it in ourselves and dealing effectively with it. There are sometimes subtle signs of anger that we either don’t take to be anger or that we ignore for various reasons. Detecting anger issues in your life can help to save your relationships and promote your well-being.

Where Anger Issues Come from

What exactly are anger issues? Being angry and expressing that anger doesn’t necessarily mean that you have anger issues. When a person has anger issues, it means that they struggle to control their anger, and that loss of control often has negative consequences in their life, some of them small, but some of them big. Anger has a dominating presence in that person’s life.

If you don’t work on any anger issues you may have, that can affect all areas of your life, including your work, your relationships, and your health. While anger issues are quite destructive, they can also feel like a normal part of one’s life, especially when they are part of longstanding patterns.

Some of the work of undoing anger issues is rooted in understanding where anger issues come from. This differs from person to person, as anger issues can stem from a combination of biological, psychological, and environmental factors, as these interact with the individual’s personality and temperament.

Anger issues may have a biological component. Some inherited traits and one’s temperament may contribute to anger issues. Experiencing changes or fluctuations in your hormone levels, such as your testosterone or cortisol levels, can influence your anger. Lastly, having imbalances in your brain chemistry can also affect whether and how you regulate your mood well.

Psychological factors such as mental health conditions, experiences of childhood trauma, and stress or frustration can all contribute to feelings of anger. Health conditions such as anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder can all have increased levels of anger and irritability as symptoms.

In terms of environmental factors that might play a role in anger, your family dynamics and upbringing can shape your behavior, including how you understand and relate to your anger. If you’re exposed to violence and anger, or the cultural and social norms you’re immersed in navigate anger in unhelpful ways, it can also contribute to anger issues. Anger may also become a problem if you find yourself in difficult life circumstances that trigger anger.

Apart from these main factors, other things that can trigger anger issues include struggling with medical issues like chronic pain or thyroid disorders, substance abuse, or sleep deprivation. These and other factors may lie under a problem with anger.

How Anger Can Upend Your Life

When you get angry, there is no telling where it’ll take you if you let it. Some things are good servants and poor masters, and anger is one of those things. Anger can upend your life in significant ways.

Along with this goes the idea, “Be angry and do not sin.” As a person who has come under the leadership of Christ and the support of the Spirit, anger is not essentially bad but can become so when not controlled and given the reins to steer your choices. Anger, in controlled usage, can draw attention to wrongdoing and urge the wrongdoers to change their ways (i.e., a picked-on person saying “you need to stop spitting spit wads at me because that is not okay”).

Anger in uncontrolled, sinful form can seek to attack, humiliate, or damage the wrongdoers and end situations altogether (i.e., a picked-on kid (or bully) punching or damaging or humiliating the other person).

Some of the ways unbridled anger can be disruptive in your life include:

Damaging relationships When you don’t manage your anger well, it can lead to frequent and deep conflict with the people in your life. Angry outbursts can strain relationships with others, and you may say things in anger that you later regret. If you’re an angry person, people may walk on eggshells around you or avoid you altogether, leading to social isolation.

Affecting your work life Anger can result in conflict with clients, coworkers, or supervisors, which may result in job loss. If it doesn’t get that far, anger can still impair your judgment by impairing your decision-making and problem-solving skills, impacting job performance. Unmanaged anger may also lead to accidents, injuries, and reckless behavior on the job, which endangers you and other people.

Impact on physical health When you’re angry, it’s a whole-body experience. Anger activates your fight-or-flight response, putting your body on high alert for threats. If you are angry a lot and if the anger is intense, that taxes your body. Chronic anger can increase the risk of cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, a weakened immune system, and stomach issues like ulcers, irritable bowel syndrome, and acid reflux.

Impact on mental health Just as anger affects your body, it also affects your mind. If your anger isn’t under control, it can contribute to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and feelings of guilt and shame. To cope with anger and its effects on one’s life, some people turn to substance abuse, which worsens the situation.

Legal and other consequences Anger can lead to bad decision-making, like assaulting other people or damaging property. This can result in legal action being taken against you, as well as being arrested and possibly convicted. Anger can also lead to financial problems, especially when the anger escalates and results in losing work or facing lawsuits for damage caused to people and property out of anger.

Uncontrolled anger can take a difficult situation and make it worse. This makes it all the more important to address anger issues to deal with life problems without worsening them or creating new ones.

Signs of Anger Issues

Can you tell when you’re getting angry? It’s possible to know yourself well enough to clock when you’re starting to get angry. For some, they feel their face flush or their ears start to burn. Perhaps your heart rate increases, and you get a sense of tunnel vision. Maybe you start talking quite fast and gesturing a lot. Or maybe you go quiet, and you clench your jaws and fists. Each of us has our unique reactions when we start to get angry.

Anger issues can manifest in different ways, and sometimes it’s possible to not even realize that one has a problem with anger. Here are some signs of anger issues to be wary of:

Irritability and mood swings One sign of anger issues is if you easily get annoyed or frustrated, even over small or inconsequential things, and you experience sudden shifts in your mood. If you are irritable or your mood shifts are deep and hard to get out of, that too could point to anger issues.

Sarcasm and passive-aggressive behavior Sometimes, people will express their anger in quieter, more indirect, and less confrontational ways. This includes using sarcasm, backhanded compliments, sulking, rolling your eyes, procrastinating, or other indirect expressions of anger.

Feeling tightness or tension in the body This occurs because you may be frequently clenching your jaws, fists, or tensing your shoulders, indicating pent-up anger or frustration.

Avoiding conflict or difficult conversations Another subtle sign that could point to anger issues is dodging hard discussions or situations that might lead to conflict, instead of addressing issues head-on. If you don’t want to have such discussions because you’re worried about your reaction, especially how you’ll react if you get angry, that could point to anger issues.

Procrastination or passive resistance Another sign of anger issues is when you put off tasks or responsibilities, or you do them begrudgingly to express your anger or frustration with a person or your circumstances.

Overreacting or being overly critical Instead of reacting in a measured way, responding in an excessive or over-the-top way to minor setbacks or mistakes could lead to anger issues. Additionally, if you’re overly critical of yourself or others, that could also be the result of anger issues.

Difficulty relaxing or calming down If, when you get angry, you struggle to unwind or relax, or to calm yourself down even in peaceful environments, that could indicate anger issues.

Substance abuse or addiction Using substances to cope with or numb feelings of anger or the consequences of actions taken in anger may point to anger issues.

Physical complaints Experiencing somatic symptoms such as frequent headaches, stomach issues, high blood pressure, or other physical complaints may be the result of stress and anger issues.

Difficulty apologizing or forgiving If you struggle to admit mistakes you’ve made, to apologize, or to forgive yourself or others, it may be the result of unresolved anger or resentment.

People experience anger differently, and these signs may well point to anger issues, but they may also be rooted in another cause. If you’re concerned about your own anger or that of someone you know, you must consider seeking help from a mental health professional to help you identify and address any anger issues.

Addressing Anger Issues in Your Life

Dealing with anger issues is a process that takes time and concerted effort. There may be habits you’ve accrued over the years that are at play, and it takes time to identify these and begin to unravel and replace them with newer, healthier habits.

You can begin working toward addressing anger issues by taking time to reflect on when and why you get angry. Being able to identify patterns and triggers is a helpful step in learning how your own anger works. Anger issues can also be addressed by improving your communication skills, which include listening well to others, being able to express yourself clearly, and setting healthy boundaries in your relationships.

You must nurture your own well-being, and that includes getting enough sleep, eating well, and engaging in regular exercise and activities that calm you and bring you joy. You can make use of creative expression to articulate your feelings, and you can seek professional help in the form of anger management classes and therapy to help you identify and shift negative and unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior.

To learn more about managing anger and to meet with one of the faith-based therapists at our location, call us today.

Photo:
“Fire”, Courtesy of Eric Sanman, Pexels.com, CC0 License

Teen Trouble in the Group Chat

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It started as a “harmless” joke. One message, barely a sentence long, was tossed into the group chat like it was no big deal. However, in the world of teenagers, one simple, benign statement can quickly escalate into something much bigger. Tone gets lost, and screenshots get passed around and last forever. And soon, you have teen trouble in the form of a crying or angry teenager on your hands.

The problem with teen trouble and drama (or really every age group) is that it comes out of nowhere. At first, everyone “lol’d” or whatever form of cyber chuckling is popular this week. There were a few laugh-cry emojis too, which are basically the same thing. Then came the snarky replies, a few hurtful memes, and someone added a GIF of a dramatic eyeroll. That’s when things shifted.

Suddenly, the vibe went from lighthearted to tense. What began as a joke became fuel for a blaze of emotions. Teens often don’t realize just how quickly group chats can spiral, especially when there’s no adult in sight, no tone of voice to clarify the intent, and no one brave enough to stand up and say, “Hey, this isn’t cool!”

Maybe the sling of criticism from their peers is deliberate and malicious. Perhaps the attackers are bold because they hide behind a screen in the safety of their own private space.

And here’s where teen trouble takes root: in the quiet confidence and anonymity where bullies thrive, in the silence of the bystanders, and in the groupthink that pushes things just a bit too far. Real feelings are bruised by digital words.

Group chats are a tool of the enemy?

Group chats can be great. They’re a lifeline for social connection, humorous reels, and even emotional support. But without boundaries, they can also become the breeding ground for passive aggression, bullying, and emotional isolation. What feels like innocent “texting” to one person may feel like public humiliation to another. And that bully who isn’t all that brave? Well, they suddenly have a platform.

The truth is, teens are still figuring out how to handle conflict, how to detect nuance, and how to speak up when something feels off. They are trying to learn how to control their impulses and reel in their reactionary behaviors and need for acceptance. In the group chat platform, that learning curve can be downright brutal; mistakes get magnified, screenshots get shared, and feelings get hurt in places that don’t always heal quickly.

Teen trouble: What can be done?

Start by talking about it seriously, not just lecturing or panicking when drama surfaces. Create a space where teens can process what’s happening with the loving support of the adults in their lives. Help teens recognize the red flags – when teasing stops being playful, when sarcasm becomes a weapon, or when someone stops replying entirely. Encourage empathy and remind them that behind every screen is a real person, with a real heart.

What if the damage has already been done?

If your child has been the victim of cyberbullying or even the unfortunate subject of a “tease” gone too far, there is hope. Faith in God is a powerful anchor. Remind teens, and yourself, that even when they feel misunderstood, less-than, and overwhelmed, God sees them. He knows their hurt and hears their cries, and He promises to be near the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).

Encourage your teen to pray, journal, and read their Bible to help anchor themselves in the one who will never betray them or send a snarky meme. And hug them tight, reminding them that they are loved.

Therapy can also make a massive difference. Words spoken into their hearts can have a big effect. Many of those words from peers can be damaging, but a professional therapist can help to uproot those seeds of pain and help your child learn to deal with the scars left by hurtful words, and they can plant healthy, positive words into their hearts.

Educate teens to prevent cyberbullying

While it might seem like “just words on a screen” to a teenager trying to find acceptance in their group of peers, those words can cut deep. Remind your teens that their worth is not found in group chats, reactions, or even in the silent pauses of “ghosting,” but in something much greater and unshakable.

Teach them to ask themselves some important questions before they hit the send button. “Would I say this to their face?” “Is this kind?” and “Could this be misunderstood?” are all questions that might induce pause and realization and might protect the realization and the hurting teen.

Teen drama isn’t confined to the classroom or the Friday night game anymore. Sometimes it’s happening right there in their pocket, in real time. And the arguments and barbs that are sending your child into a reeling spiral of self-loathing and anger may be silent to your ear, but echo loudly in their hearts.

If your teen has been a victim of cyberbullying, help them find healing. Connect them with a professional Christian counselor in Huntington Beach, California who can help them handle the complexities of being a teen in the digital age. Contact us today at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to learn more.

Photo:
“Group Chat”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

The Goodness of Getting Old

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When it comes to aging, people often view it as a negative part of life. This is not necessarily true. There are good things about getting old that we can all look forward to. Even though our physical bodies may not be as young and vigorous as they once were, we can still have an active and productive life even as we get older.

…even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save. – Isaiah 46:4, ESV

Staying healthy sets the foundation

While it’s true our bodies change as they get older, we don’t have to let that interfere with our outlook as we age. As we age, we can expect to see differences in our physical bodies. The heart muscles change, we develop wrinkles, our hair turns gray, and we can also see effects on our joints and energy levels. Even though these things are an important part of our overall health, we can still enjoy life as older adults while taking care of our aging bodies.

Taking care of our bodies can be as simple as physical activity, eating a healthy diet, managing stress, and maintaining regular checkups with our physicians. Each of these things can affect every part of our bodies. It can increase our heart health as well as our bone and muscle health.

Activity, diet, stress management, and consistent healthcare can contribute to a healthy digestive system and weight loss, as well as oral health. Cognitive health can even be affected by proper physical activity, as a healthy diet and being mentally active promote cognitive well-being.

Let the good times begin

With an increase in overall health, it becomes easier to enjoy the golden years. These are the years without having to be responsible for children daily. It’s what is known as the empty nest years. A time when adults can enjoy life and all that they have cultivated through maintaining a career and building a home.

Happiness Without Stress

Since there’s no longer stress from work, it appears that it is much easier to be happy, and people are less inclined to get angry. This could also be because, as we grow older, we learn to control emotions and choose what we react to and how we react to it.

Wisdom comes with age

Regardless of how many educational degrees a person has or doesn’t have, wisdom comes from experience. As we grow older, we learn to take note of the experiences in our lifetime, and that adds to the wisdom we can share later. Having this wisdom can lead to helping others go through those experiences.

Volunteering Because of Interests

When we’re raising kids, we tend to volunteer at events they participate in. However, as we grow older, we can find time to volunteer and participate in the things that we are passionate about. We can consider new opportunities or reconnect with something we used to enjoy.

Being Part of the Cool Kids

As adults age and retire, they have time to spend with friends or other family members. This allows them to connect with people who have the same interests and even join groups that meet weekly for specified activities. This could be reading clubs, chess clubs, dancing groups, or any other group activity.

Time With Grandchildren

Grandkids are an amazing part of life. They bring up fulfillment that is only known once a person has raised their children. Grandchildren are an extension of the grandparent. When a grandparent is present in the life of a grandchild, it offers multiple benefits. It enhances the life of the grandparent, but it also enhances the life of the grandchild.

Pursuing Dreams

For too long, society has deemed that pursuing a dream ends when you retire. However, retirement is a wonderful time to pursue the dreams and passions that we had while we created a life for our families. These dreams can be as simple as learning a new language, writing a novel, or taking a trip. It’s never too late to pursue a dream, regardless of age.

Income and Discounts

Once an adult retires, their income becomes guaranteed. A person in retirement knows what their income is each month and how much they need for living expenses. Because most older adults have already paid off mortgages and vehicles, this leaves more for enjoying life. Along with income, older adults enjoy the perks of senior discounts. This helps with a budget on a fixed and limited income, as well as provides discounted prices for certain activities.

Getting Old With Grace

Getting old doesn’t mean the person will not continue to have a meaningful lifestyle. Retiring means that they have reached a milestone. The kids have been raised. The jobs have been done. The homes have been taken care of. These are accomplishments that an older adult can have a sense of pride about. This in itself can cultivate a positive outlook on the lifestyle they are now living.

Getting old doesn’t have to interfere with an active lifestyle. A person simply needs to choose to cultivate healthy living and positive choices to create a good life in their old age.

Contact us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to find faith-based support for the aging process.

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“Couple”, Courtesy of A.C., Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Topics Covered in Christian Marriage Counseling

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Christian marriage counseling is available before and during the marriage. However, many people don’t realize that you can receive counseling before a problem arises in the relationship.

For example, a few sessions of Christian marriage counseling can prepare you to manage conflict, defuse angry situations, and open lines of communication to keep your marriage from losing ground.

Of course, it’s never too late to seek help. If you believe your marriage needs help, consider contacting a marriage counselor today.

How Christian Marriage Counseling Differs

Christian marriage counseling differs from mainstream counseling. Counseling in a Christian setting (whether in person or virtual) is based on a combination of Biblical principles and evidence-based psychology methods. Since faith is the foundation of a Believer’s life, it is the foundation of their therapy.

Christian marriage counseling acknowledges that sin and its consequences contribute to many issues in relationships. The counselor leads the couple to recognize their sin and repent, allowing them to experience the cleansing that only God’s grace and mercy can provide. This turning away from sin and striving to lead a Christ-like life means a fresh start for the marriage.

Commonly Covered Topics in Christian Marriage Counseling

Christian marriage counseling covers many topics. Whether you want to be prepared for future challenges or need help with a specific issue, Christian counseling has the solution.

Seeking help early is key. If you feel something is wrong and you’ve discussed it with your spouse, you may need assistance from an unbiased third party. Unlike a friend or family member, a counselor can teach strategies and skills that will serve you and your marriage for years to come. Counseling is also a safe space to share intimate details without judgment or ridicule.

The following is a list of common topics covered in Christian marriage counseling.

Communication Problems

Many marital problems stem from miscommunication. Often, we mimic our parents in our own relationships. If we come from a household where the adults did not discuss matters or turned to anger or silence when there was a problem, we might do the same.

Effective communication skills open the door to discussing matters and fostering understanding. Even if you cannot agree with your spouse, or a resolution is not easily found, communication skills make it possible to keep those lines open.

Anger Management

Anger clouds our vision and makes it impossible to hear what others are saying. We become convinced that our way is the only right way, or we lash out at others by slamming doors, throwing things, or verbally or physically hurting others.

Anger is not a sin. But allowing anger to become uncontrollable is a sin. How you react during a situation can bring peace or destruction. The Bible speaks of anger: “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” (Ephesians 4:26-27, NIV) Anger management skills can help you work through your anger and remain calm, allowing you to discuss problems rationally.

onflict Resolution

You can avoid escalating conflict with a few strategies. Counseling can equip you with skills in clear communication, active listening, anger management, and identifying the underlying issues that contribute to the conflict. It may be necessary to compromise or seek the help of a third party to resolve the problem.

Learning how to address the problem early, rather than allowing hurt feelings to fester, will save you heartache in the future. It may not be possible to resolve a conflict overnight, but making progress will help you both sleep better.

Financial Issues

Financial stress can overwhelm a marriage. Whether you are living beyond your means, the cost of living has increased, or you have excessive spending, it can lead to conflict. Add to that the cost of groceries and gasoline, college and daycare, and you may find that you argue more about money than any other issue.

Gambling and excessive spending also cause relationship problems in the family. A Christian counselor can help you identify the root of the problem and guide you through steps toward resolution, including budgeting, getting back on track, and paying off debt.

Sexual Problems

Sexual problems can strain the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Erectile dysfunction, low libido, vaginal dryness, Peyronie’s disease, hormonal issues, or sexual disinterest can leave both parties feeling neglected, insecure, and emotionally hurt. In some cases, this can lead to physical or emotional affairs.

Whatever the reasons, counseling can help both parties build emotional intimacy as you work on solutions for physical intimacy. Counseling takes place in a safe space, either in a quiet office at the center or virtually from the comfort of your own home. You learn to build trust and rely on each other beyond sex.

Establishing Boundaries with Extended Family

You may need to establish boundaries with extended family members. Your parents, siblings, and in-laws mean well, but their unannounced arrivals and late-night phone calls may cause more harm than good in your marriage. The same goes for family members who tend to assert themselves in arguments between you and your spouse.

It takes a firm word to set boundaries with others, but your relationship with your spouse must come first. Depending on the person, you may need to tell people to call before coming over to your house or to stay out of your arguments with your spouse. Discuss with your spouse where to draw the line. You may need to consider counseling if your spouse disagrees with boundaries and it’s causing conflict in the relationship.

Mental Disorders

Mental disorders can cause damage to the marriage as well as to other family members. The signs of a mental condition can leave lasting impressions on children or trigger a traumatic response in a spouse. Depending on the mental disorder, it can lead to neglect, abuse, or PTSD.

Help is readily available for mental health problems. The stigma once associated with mental disorders has slowly lifted, and millions of people seek help from mental health professionals. You don’t have to go through it alone, either. Most counseling centers encourage couples or family therapy to help a family member with a mental condition, as well as local or online support groups.

Addiction

Addiction in any form can tear a family apart, causing trust issues between husband and wife. Addiction can include alcohol, drugs, pornography, sex, gambling, tobacco/cigarettes, shopping, food, and internet/gaming. Any substance or action that you crave or find yourself acting on an impulse can be an addiction.

Some people cannot stop certain addictions immediately without supervised help. For example, a person with a heroin addiction will develop withdrawal symptoms after stopping the drug and will need to be closely monitored in a medical setting for any physical complications.

Other addictions, such as smoking or food/overeating, can be overcome by slowly making changes. Speak to a counselor about addiction and the best (and safest) way to manage symptoms and save your marriage.

Infidelity

Infidelity, adultery, affairs, and physical and emotional betrayal can end in divorce. The ramifications of this type of betrayal run deep. It can take years after an affair for a couple to make strides toward rebuilding their marriage. It is possible, but there are many painful obstacles to move past.

Christian counseling works with the couple to “fireproof” their marriage, to lean in closer to God, and to ask for His grace and mercy during this season. It is learning how to communicate and prioritize your spouse above all others. It’s about healing emotional wounds.

Christian Marriage Counseling in California

Looking for Christian marriage counseling in California. Contact us today to schedule an appointment with a Christian marriage counselor. Your counselor can meet with you in person or virtually at a time that fits your family’s needs. Call us today to get started.

Photos:
“Bride and Groom”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “The Kiss”, Courtesy of Frank Mckenna, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Engaged”, Courtesy of Heather Mount, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

11 Creative Ways to Teach Kids Bible Verses About Worry

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Teaching kids Bible verses about worry should be a meaningful, bonding, and fun time for the child and everyone involved, too. In those moments when children feel nervous or scared, creative activities help make learning calming Scripture easier and more enjoyable.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. – 1 Peter 5:7 NIV

The way a child first experiences the Bible will shape how they feel about it for years to come. If they see it as a book full of comfort and wisdom, they will turn to it when they need guidance. But if learning scripture feels dull or difficult, they may see it as something unhelpful. Making Bible learning fun and interactive helps children build a strong connection with God’s Word, especially when they get scared.

Common Misconceptions Kids Have About the Bible

  • Some children believe the Bible is just a list of rules or old stories that don’t relate to their lives.
  • They might believe it’s too difficult to understand or is only for adults.
  • Some kids may think that the Bible is boring or that it doesn’t help with their everyday problems.

If we can find ways to demonstrate to kids from the earliest age how scripture can bring joy, peace, and comfort in their daily lives, we help them see its true value.

Everyday Situations When Kids Need Verses About Worry

Children deal with worries every single day. They might feel nervous about a big test, making new friends, or speaking in front of a group. Changes like moving to a new home or welcoming a new sibling can also make them anxious or sad. Even small things, like a sleepover or trying a new activity, may cause stress.

Bible verses about worry remind them that God is always with them, bringing comfort and reassurance as they find comfort and reassurance in God’s word during these moments of uncertainty.

Fun and Creative Ways to Teach Kids Verses About Worry

Worry crafts Let kids create worry jars or boxes. They write down things that worry them on slips of paper and place them in the jar or box.

They can also add pieces of paper with verses about worry, such as “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6.34, ESV) Every time they add a worry, they can also add a verse from the Bible. The idea is that God will carry their worries for them.

Catchy verse songs Turn verses about worry into simple, catchy songs. Music helps kids remember verses and makes learning enjoyable. Sing together and discuss the meaning of the verses.

Playful role-playing Use role-playing to act out scenarios where kids feel scared or worried. Include some verses about worry, showing how they apply them in real-life situations.

Storytime with scripture Read Bible stories that show how people in the Bible handled worry, like Jesus calming the storm in Matthew 8 vs 23-27, and talk about how trust in God brings peace.

Play verse interactive games Create games like word searches, matching cards, or puzzles using verses about worry. This interactive approach keeps a kid engaged and remembering the verses better.

Make prayer chains Kids write their worries on paper strips and link them into a chain. As they add each link, they recite a verse about worry and pray over their concerns, like.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4.6, ESV

Write verse journals Teach your kids to keep a worry journal where they write down their fears with a Bible verse next to each one. A great verse for this is.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41.10, ESV

A Bible verse scavenger hunt Hide cards with verses about worry all around the house or classroom. As kids find them, let them talk about what they think the verses mean.

Memory verse challenges Turn learning verses into a game by creating memory challenges. For example, write each word of a verse on separate cards and mix them up. Kids race to put them in the correct order.

Create interactive verse walls Have a verse wall where kids always pin up their favorite Bible verses about worry and share what they mean to them, such as Proverbs 12:25 — “Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.”

Helping Kids Grow in Faith and Confidence

As parents and teachers, we play a great role in shaping a child’s faith and emotional well-being. It helps to take advantage of creative activities so that kids not only learn Bible verses about worry but also understand how to apply them every day.

If you have or work with young children and are noticing any signs of excessive worry or anxiety, think about getting extra professional guidance. A child therapist in Huntington Beach, California can provide more insight and additional help.

Start by calling us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to connect with a Christian counselor today.

Photo:
“Wildflowers”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Body Image Issues in the Perimenopausal Woman

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Perimenopause is the stage before menopause when the body begins the process. Hormones fluctuate wildly and then slowly start to decrease. Perimenopause can last months or years, depending on the woman. Unfortunately, these changes can bring about physical and mental distress in many women. Body image issues can creep up even in women who never had a problem, leading to anxiety, depression, lower self-esteem, and less confidence.

Body Image Issues That May Affect You

A positive body image creates a sense of confidence and empowerment. Accepting your body for where it is and what it does for you makes you walk a little straighter and grab new opportunities. Other people notice your confidence, no matter your age.

However, when body image issues become the focus, you can lose your self-esteem. Perimenopause and menopause are two stages in a woman’s life where these issues can lead to problems affecting how you view yourself, how you manage your relationships, and what opportunities you feel confident to accept.

The following are several physical and mental body image issues that may affect you.

Redness and Splotchiness on Face

Dry skin, redness, and splotchiness on the face are common skin issues that perimenopausal women struggle with in their 40s and 50s. Some women may experience breakouts due to the hormonal shifts. This period in a woman’s life may be reminiscent of adolescence with fluctuating hormone levels.

Dark Circles Under Eyes

Lower estrogen levels cause skin thinning, which is more pronounced in the area under the eyes, where the blood vessels are more noticeable. This causes dark circles under the eyes. This issue is worsened if the woman also has bouts of insomnia or sleep deprivation.

Weight Gain

As estrogen and progesterone levels shift downward, the stress hormone cortisol increases. Cortisol increase and a slower metabolism can lead to more fat storage and changes in fat distribution. Muscle mass also decreases without proper resistance training. Without enough muscle, metabolism lowers dramatically.

Increased Waist Circumference

The stress hormone cortisol is also responsible for abdominal fat, also known as visceral fat. This fat settles in the abdominal and waist area, surrounds the organs, and increases the waist circumference. A larger waist size contributes to an increased risk of heart attack or stroke. The recommended waist measurement for health is less than thirty-five inches; however, this figure depends on other factors.

Bleeding Gums

Although bleeding gums is not a body image issue that is well-known in perimenopausal women, it can be a problem for some. Hormonal changes can cause the gums to swell and become inflamed. This can lead to bleeding, and if left unchecked, the plaque and bacteria can cause damage to the gumline and teeth. This affects a woman’s smile and how she presents herself to the world.

Fine Lines and Wrinkles

Skin loses its elasticity as estrogen and collagen decrease. Women may see noticeable fine lines, wrinkles, sagging, and dull skin. This can affect how they perceive their beauty. Some women become so obsessed with recapturing their youthful looks that they undergo risky and expensive procedures.

Graying Hair

As women age, their body decreases the production of estrogen, melanin, and ferritin. Combined, these lower levels of hormones cause hair thinning, less volume, and less pigment in the hair, leading to gray, white, or silver hair. Since many women consider their hair a beauty trademark, the sudden changes in texture, volume, and color can be disconcerting.

Low Self-Esteem, Lower Self-Confidence, Anxiety, and Depression

As perimenopause continues, the likelihood of developing depression and anxiety rises. Mood swings and irritability are also common during the months or years of perimenopause and menopause. The more changes a woman notices in her body, the more her self-esteem and self-confidence can take a hit. Body image issues are linked to the development of mental health conditions, including disordered eating, in an attempt to “fix” the body.

Christian Counseling for Women in Huntington Beach

Body image issues can become so strong that a woman will do anything to recapture youth. These endeavors can lead to tragic results. For example, a woman with body image issues may develop an eating disorder and body dysmorphia, which, if left untreated, could lead to death.

Has perimenopause led you to develop body image issues or exacerbated your emotions surrounding how you already view your body? Contact our office today at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to schedule an appointment with a Christian counselor in Huntington Beach, California specializing in women’s issues and body image issues. We would love to help you learn to accept your body while developing a healthier lifestyle and positive mental well-being.

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“Cloudy Beach”, Courtesy of Sam Hozan, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

All in the Family: Encouraging Children with Different Birth Order to Get Along

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You may have heard of how birth order can influence a child’s personality and behavior. For example, the firstborn child may be more responsible, dependable, and organized compared to their siblings. The youngest child is more coddled, less disciplined, and takes risks. Middle children have a reputation for feeling left out and becoming sensitive to rejection, but tend to be people-pleasers and sociable.

Getting Different Birth Order Children to Get Along

How do you help your children get along with so many possible personality clashes from birth order? There are several things you can do to ease the tension in a household with two or more siblings.

Don’t compare

Resist the urge to compare one child’s behavior to their sibling’s behavior. It is easy to slip and say, “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?” Comparison only leads to negative feelings between siblings. Each child is unique in how they process information, express emotions, and behave. Instead of comparing, guide your child by leading with their strengths.

Spend quality time with each child

No matter where they are in the birth order, children crave attention and affection from their parents. They need someone who loves them to listen to and enjoy their interests. Spending quality time with each child separately makes each one feel special and strengthens the bond between parent and child.

Whether you go on an adventure together, play a game, or watch a movie curled up on the couch, you’re not only spending time with your child, but you are also creating memories. Each child needs a bond with their parent that is unique to them. Schedule play dates and other outings with each child. Some parents refer to this as a date or make it into their own special holiday (example: Mary’s Day or date night with John).

Teach children to actively listen to each other

Children in families tend to either ignore or fight their siblings. They don’t take the time to understand the other’s point of view. Part of this could be personality-based or the fact that they share the same household and must vie for the parents’ attention.

Teach your children to use their words to express their feelings to each other. Teach them how to resolve conflicts and manage anger without hurting someone.

As children grow, hormones and mental conditions can cause mood swings, irritability, and impulsiveness. Consult with a family counselor to learn the best way to teach your children communication skills.

Don’t put all your trust into birth order traits

Birth order traits are common personality traits and behaviors associated with the position of a child in the family. It does not mean that your child will fall into a specific category and be “wrong” if their personality traits overlap.

For example, perhaps your youngest child has more personality traits similar to an oldest child rather than being limited to one category. Don’t limit their abilities to a birth order chart or stereotypes.

Christian Family Counseling in Huntington Beach

If your home feels more like a war zone when the kids are out of school, family counseling might be the answer. The family is an essential unit for raising productive, loving, emotionally resilient, and stable young adults. Let us help you with Christian family counseling in Huntington Beach, California.

When you connect with us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling, we match you with a Christian counselor in Huntington Beach who specializes in family issues, conflict resolution, and anger management. Counseling goes beyond birth order traits and combines evidence-based methods and Christian principles.

Connect with us today to get started.

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“Sun Setting Behind Dock”, Courtesy of Marc Serota, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

What You Can Expect from Christian Premarital Counseling in California

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The lead-up to a wedding is typically abuzz with excitement. A lot is going on at that time, including choosing venues, making decisions on color schemes and caterers, finalizing the budget and guest list, discussing whether to have live music or a DJ, and more.

As you and your intended make decisions about every facet of your wedding, the pressure can lead to an unintentional neglect of your relationship. One of the things a couple can do before and during this period of wedding preparations is attend Christian premarital counseling in California.

What is Christian premarital counseling for?

There are several unhelpful myths out there about premarital counseling, Christian or otherwise. Some believe that premarital counseling is the sort of thing that you do when you find your relationship riddled with problems, and you need to right the ship before you set sail, so to speak. Others believe that premarital counseling is only for religious people or if you want to get married in a church.

Christian premarital counseling isn’t a form of couples counseling reserved for floundering couples. Often, couples will seek counseling at a point in their relationship when they are at odds or facing a crisis. When couples seek counseling at this point, they may take a defensive posture against one another, making it harder to communicate their needs effectively as well as make meaningful progress toward resolving the issue.

Premarital counseling strengthens a relationship as part of the marriage preparation. Instead of waiting for the relationship to become strained before seeking help, premarital counseling helps a couple prepare for any serious issues before they arise in marriage. Premarital counseling helps a couple map out their future together.

A couple can use the wind in their sails as they head toward marriage to strengthen and deepen their relationship before they officially take that next step. Premarital counseling is thus not for religious folks only, or for couples going through a tough time. Rather, premarital counseling is a form of relational self-care, something a couple does in advance of any issues, but also during a tough season, too, if they choose.

Christian premarital counseling helps the couple talk about important issues that might become points of conflict later on. Talking about issues as diverse as money, parenting, infidelity, and roles in your future home helps you get on the same page, and premarital counseling equips you to work through these issues successfully.

How Christian Premarital Counseling Works

Christian premarital counseling sessions will vary depending on your counselor and the therapeutic technique they choose to use. However, there are some broad similarities in how premarital counseling works. To begin with, the initial sessions with your counselor will be for them to get to know you both so that they can identify your weaknesses, strengths, areas of potential conflict, as well as the ways you’re compatible.

During your sessions, you’ll share your life experiences, and your counselor will also observe your relationship dynamics. By sharing the life experiences that are significant to you both and that have shaped who you are and the expectations you carry into your relationship, you’ll gain deeper insight into your motivations and patterns in the relationship.

Premarital counseling in California also entails having conversations about important issues and questions that impact most marriages. Your counselor will lead you as you discuss topics such as how you and your partner plan to spend time together; how your finances will work; your beliefs and values (and how to handle these with respect and understanding); children and parenting, including whether you both want children, and how you’ll raise them.

Through your counseling sessions, the goal is to gain deeper insight into your future spouse, develop better communication skills, and shore up your strengths as a couple while getting on a growth trajectory in your areas of weakness.

What To Expect From Christian Premarital Counseling In California

In Christian premarital counseling in California, a counselor works with the couple or individual partners to pinpoint concerns, weaknesses, and strengths in the relationship. The partners can speak about their expectations and goals for the relationship, as well as identify steps taken to meet these goals and various challenges. As with other forms of premarital counseling, Christian premarital counseling helps couples better deal with conflict.

In addition to this, Christian premarital counseling in California will specifically offer couples a Christian understanding of marriage. Couples may understand marriage in a way that isn’t rooted in who Christ is and the ethos believers ought to live out in their marriage. Christian premarital counseling will also help couples understand how to use resources such as Scripture, prayer, and community in strengthening their marriage.

Christian premarital counseling may be challenging for several reasons. For one thing, because difficult and sensitive subjects will come up during the sessions, this may be a cause for anxiety or fear. These topics for discussion may highlight differences of opinion, and these differences may not be easily resolved. The couple may choose not to marry because of these differences, but they should discover this sooner rather than later.

Counseling provides the couple with a safe space to talk about difficult and sensitive topics, and some of these may stir painful thoughts and memories. For the couple to get the most out of it, it’s important to be truthful about their fears, doubts, goals, and expectations. It’s better to face these head-on, even though that might be hard in the short term. With the help of a licensed and trained counselor, the couple can work through this together.

There are many benefits of Christian premarital counseling in California. Your counseling sessions will equip you and your partner to handle the many slings and arrows that married life might direct your way. Faith-based pre-marriage therapy helps you to prepare to live a life together, and it helps you to face marriage with your partner realistically.

Benefits of Christian Premarital Counseling

It helps you view yourselves and your future life together realistically This allows you to plan for your future and set goals that will allow your marriage to flourish.

It will help you understand each other better By talking about what you believe, cherish, hope for, expect, and fear, you’re better placed to understand each other.

It will help improve your communication A healthy relationship requires good communication. Premarital counseling provides space for a couple to develop a working vocabulary so they can express complicated emotions, as well as share their opinions effectively without harming or shaming each other.

Address fears about marriage Premarital counseling takes a realistic look at what married life is like, and it can help to relieve anxieties about the future by taking a realistic look at what marriage will entail. Through premarital counseling, a couple will gain greater clarity about what marriage will be like.

Nurture skills regarding conflict resolution Some of the skills premarital counseling imparts include conflict resolution and proper handling of differences. Your counselor will teach you how to resolve problems respectfully and through constructive conversations.

Setting goals Premarital counseling helps a couple to start planning their life together and create a blueprint for their relationship. As the couple makes plans for their future, they can also learn how they make decisions and start setting patterns for how to handle their future life together.

Nurture mutual appreciation The process of premarital counseling helps you to gain a deeper appreciation of your strengths as an individual, as well as the positive aspects you possess as a couple. Seeing these things about yourself and each other helps you to develop a deeper sense of appreciation for one another.

Identify and unlearn dysfunctional patterns of behavior Another benefit of Christian premarital counseling is to identify dysfunction in how you think and behave. It goes beyond that by helping you both make use of gospel-rooted resources that can empower you to change and adopt healthy patterns.

Christian premarital counseling thus has many benefits, chiefly preparing you to have a healthy marriage with the right partner.

Next Steps

Christian premarital counseling in California aims to proactively identify and address any potential areas of conflict in a relationship before these become serious concerns. Through counseling, the spouses learn constructive and effective strategies for raising and resolving concerns without entering into prolonged conflict.

If you or your loved one is contemplating marriage, reach out to us at California Christian Counseling and schedule an appointment to speak with a Christian couples counselor in California to help you establish a strong foundation.

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“Laughing Couple”, Courtesy of Jonathan Borba, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Walking on the Beach”, Courtesy of Frank Van Hulst, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

How to Not Give In to Depression After a Breakup

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Feeling sad after a breakup is a normal reaction. You invested time, money, and emotions into a relationship that did not work out. Perhaps the breakup came as a surprise or had been a long time coming. What’s important now is not to give in to depression after a breakup.

Depression After Breakup: How to Protect Yourself from Getting Stuck

A breakup is a loss, and you may experience the five stages of grief as you navigate the first few days and months. You may experience denial or shock, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. To keep from getting stuck in the depression stage after a breakup, protect your mental health and well-being.

The following are several tips for protecting yourself from depression after a breakup.

Confide in a trusted friend

You need the support of a trusted friend or family member right now. Someone you can confide in and who will hold your hand while you process your emotions. Listen to them if they want to share their experience with depression after a breakup or offer advice.

Find a support group

The knee-jerk reaction after a breakup is to seclude away. But what you need now is support. Depression and grief support groups are excellent for providing participants with first-hand experience and tips for moving past heartache. You can find local and virtual groups online or check with your community center or local public library.

Consider counseling

Counseling can teach you the strategies and skills to process the breakup, accept your new reality, and make plans for the future. Counseling can help if you need to heal from trauma, abuse, neglect, abandonment, or feelings of low self-worth. The methods shared equip you with lifelong techniques to get over any obstacle.

Distance yourself from your ex

The old saying, “Out of sight, out of mind,” comes in handy after a breakup. You need at least a few weeks of distance from your ex as you process and heal. Don’t follow them on social media or in real life. If you must see them, try to keep your distance and only talk when necessary, such as when coparenting.

Dive into creative pursuits

Dive back into the activities that make you happy. Pursue creative outlets that allow you to express your feelings. For example, painting, sculpting, writing songs or short stories, crocheting, and playing a musical instrument are all ways you can express yourself. Make time for creative pursuits and hobbies to boost your mood and overall well-being.

Acknowledge your feelings, but don’t stay there

It’s important to acknowledge your feelings, but don’t stay there. You need to feel those emotions to work through them, but remaining stuck will not help you move forward. Consider journaling your thoughts and emotions. Journaling permits you to record your most vulnerable thoughts and distance yourself from them, promoting healing.

Exercise to feel better

People exercise to feel better about themselves externally and internally. Heart-pumping exercise triggers the release of endorphins and other brain chemicals, such as serotonin and dopamine. This release leaves you feeling happier and confident. Exercise also lowers cortisol, the stress hormone, and regulates mood.

Christian Counseling in Huntington Beach, CA

Talk therapy and other psychological methods are effective for managing depression after a breakup. Schedule a session with a Christian counselor in Huntington Beach, California to receive an assessment and discuss the skills and strategies you need to move forward. Contact us today at Huntington Beach, California, to learn more.

Photo:
“Wildflowers”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License