Practical Advice for Newlyweds

/in , , , , /by

A marriage based on love and respect doesn’t just happen. It is something you need to work on. One of the biggest adjustments is making the mental shift from deciding things on your own to having your decisions involve someone else. In this situation, advice for newlyweds can be helpful.

Advice for Newlyweds

The following are some practical tips that can help smooth your transition from singlehood to marriage. Mostly they come from couples in happy, long-lasting marriages who have gone the distance themselves.

Remember your commitment

Marriage is a covenant with a person who is not always going to make you happy, nor you him or her. On hard days when you’re feeling frustrated or upset, remember your commitment. Be intentional about investing time, energy, and communication into understanding and meeting one another’s needs. Always be there for one another and learn how to attack problems together with a mindset of it being the two of you against the world, as opposed to against each other.

Have realistic expectations

Marriage is not all glamorous. There are going to be good days and bad days when you don’t feel in love, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your relationship. Ups and downs are inevitable in even the happiest of marriages. Not every disagreement, however, is worth fighting over. Learn to choose your battles wisely.

Be open and honest

Keep your lines of communication open and make a habit of talking often about your thoughts and feelings. Secrets divide but being open and honest with one another about everything – especially the stuff that hurts – will help foster trust, strengthen the connection between you, and increase intimacy.

Be quick to forgive

Don’t wait to stop feeling angry before being willing to forgive. It does not mean pretending not to be hurt, disappointed, or upset, but if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, it is an intentional choice to set aside pride and extend the same grace to your spouse that Christ extended to you on the cross. Forgiveness provides space to work things out rather than allow an issue to fester and damage the rest of your relationship.

Avoid accusations and defensiveness

Avoid focusing on past upsets or using threats of divorce to get what you want. Be kind and communicate respectfully, even when you are feeling upset. Remember that your spouse is not a mind reader. Tell him or her what the cause of your distress is using “I” statements to express how it causes you to feel, rather than make accusations, cast blame, or be defensive about your part in the issue.

Practice active listening

Assume the best of one another. If your spouse’s actions upset you, try to find out what their motivation was before jumping to conclusions. Listen attentively to what they are saying. Try to understand their perspective, and validate their thoughts and feelings, even if you don’t agree with them. Being empathetic and compassionate with one another will strengthen the connection between you.

Be flexible and willing to compromise

Being flexible and willing to compromise will allow you to grow and learn from your mistakes. Take responsibility for your part in any problem you face as a couple and be quick to offer an apology if an apology is due.

Laugh together

Look for the humor in frustrating situations. A good laugh can help diffuse tension, alter your perspective, and make your journey more memorable.

Plan date nights

Make time for regular one-on-one activities as a couple. Especially once you have children, these times can help you stay connected and increase your feelings of closeness.

Keep the spark alive

Make your spouse your best friend and don’t stop building your love for one another. Take an interest in each other’s interests, and look for fresh, new experiences to share, such as trying out a new restaurant, going on an adventure, or taking a vacation in a romantic spot.

Encourage one another

Regularly tell your spouse what you love and appreciate about them, do kind things for one another, and look for ways to brighten each other’s day.

Give each other space

Respect each other’s need for alone time occasionally. Having time to recharge and enjoy personal interests is as important as couple time and can strengthen your relationship.

Keep your private life private

One of the greatest pieces of advice for newlyweds is to keep private matters private. If you have problems in your relationship, seek help from someone qualified to give it to you rather than talk about it to anyone who will listen. Don’t speak negatively about your spouse to other people, or air personal issues on social media.

If you have questions about this article on advice for newlyweds or would like to pursue Christian couples counseling in Huntington Beach, California to help strengthen your bond, please give us a call at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling.

Photo:
“Just Married,” Courtesy of Drazen Nesic, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

The Dangers of Toxic Positivity in Relationships

/in , , , , , /by

Some people are just the life of the party, and some people are what you’d call a ray of sunshine. There are times when the mood needs to be lifted, and when some positivity helps everyone in the room. However, not every moment or situation needs the same treatment, and insisting on it can become deeply problematic. The term ‘toxic positivity’ can help to describe some of these harmful tendencies.

What is toxic positivity?

We all tend to dislike experiences that generate sadness, guilt, shame, or loneliness, but some seek to steer clear of them altogether. These experiences and situations can’t be avoided though. When they happen, they need to be faced squarely. Being positive during such times is one thing, but toxic positivity is when a person avoids, suppresses, or rejects negative emotions or experiences.

It can look like shaming others for experiencing certain emotions, denying any negative emotions, invalidating one’s natural emotions, and an inability to respect other people’s emotional experiences. For instance, if someone has been having a tough time at work, a toxically positive person might respond, “You’re lucky to even have a job.”

To be sure, there is a place for gratitude in everyday life, but the person who struggles with toxic positivity doesn’t leave much room for others to express their feelings if those feelings aren’t positive. That can have significant drawbacks in a relationship.

Some dangers of toxic positivity in relationships

For a relationship to flourish, the people in it must be able to express themselves honestly. Vulnerability is essential for intimacy and the health of the relationship. Toxic positivity in relationships can manifest in damaging ways that include gaslighting by downplaying or dismissing someone’s feelings, which can make them question their own emotions.

Another way that toxic positivity can manifest is by minimizing issues. It often results in dismissing or trivializing issues, rather than addressing and resolving them. Forced optimism is another reality, as the person with a toxic positivity will constantly demand a positive attitude, which in turn disregards others’ valid concerns or emotions.

Further, shaming or blaming is also a feature of toxic positivity, by criticizing or judging someone for not being positive enough. Toxic positivity will also often result in avoiding conflicts because it’s easier to sweep issues under the rug rather than confront and resolve them. While gratitude is important, toxic positivity results in an overemphasis on gratitude, without acknowledging valid frustrations or concerns.

Additionally, it can ignore or disrespect someone else’s boundaries under the guise of “staying positive” and can also result in toxic encouragement, which is pushing someone to do more without considering their well-being or limitations. In a relationship, toxic positivity can also lead to unrealistic expectations such as expecting a partner always to be happy, perfect, or positive.

Those who are toxically positive often demonstrate a lack of empathy and a failure to understand and validate someone else’s emotional experience. Healthy relationships thrive on authenticity, empathy, vulnerability, and understanding. Toxic positivity undermines these essential qualities that a relationship needs to flourish. Ultimately, it can harm the relationship and make it an unsafe place for others.

Growing to embrace difficult feelings

A person can hold onto toxic positivity for various reasons, but it is damaging not only to others but also to the toxically positive person. However, the good news is that it’s possible to overcome toxic positivity and learn to create space and embrace difficult feelings. Learning to overcome toxic positivity requires recognizing and challenging harmful behaviors and attitudes. Some steps to help include:

Recognizing toxic positivity

Self-reflect and develop your self-awareness to begin learning to identify when you are dismissing other’s emotions, minimizing problems, or forcing optimism in a given situation.

Embracing authenticity and imperfection

Allow yourself to feel and express a range of emotions, without judgment. Recognize the fact that no one is perfect except the Lord, and mistakes that you or anyone else makes are growth opportunities.

Setting realistic expectations

In line with the above, learn to let go of unrealistic expectations and keep your mind trained on progress and not perfection. Challenge any harmful beliefs you may have and reframe any unrealistic expectations you have of yourself or others. Cultivate a growth mindset so that you can embrace challenges and grow as you learn from your failures.

Nurturing emotional intelligence

Learn to recognize, understand, and healthily manage your emotions. Similarly, learn to recognize the emotions of others, and allow them to express a range of emotions without judgment. Practice empathy by listening actively to try and understand how others feel and see things.

Practicing mindfulness

Grow your ability to focus on the present moment and let go of the need for constant positivity.

Seeking professional help

Moving beyond toxic positivity requires self-awareness, empathy, and a willingness to embrace authenticity. You don’t have to do it alone. You can speak with a therapist or counselor to help you address underlying issues that fuel your toxic positivity.

Getting help

If you feel you fit this description or are in a relationship with someone who is toxically positive, reach out to our offices today. We will schedule a session with a trained therapist who can help you develop healthy coping strategies as you grow in your ability to embrace difficult feelings and situations.

Photo:
“Wild Flowers”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Toxic Shame: What it Is and What it Isn’t

/in , , , /by

“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” ― Brene Brown

Shame has become a hot topic in psychology and the discussion of mental health and wellness, especially over the last decade. The concept of shame and its meaning often depends on the context.

For instance, the common dictionary defines shame as a “painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety” and lists synonyms such as guilt, regret, and remorse (Merriam-Webster, 2022). But in psychology, shame is distinguished as a more concrete self-perception of being unworthy, defective, broken on a deep level, not simply regret or guilt about a behavior.

Toxic shame is another layer in which shame has impacted your view of yourself to the core of your self-perception (Raypole, 2020). The way we perceive ourselves impacts all our perceptions, relationships, and overall health. Understanding and healing from toxic shame makes a tremendous difference in your life.

Understanding toxic shame

Understanding what sets toxic shame apart from guilt and regret is crucial for holistic health. As stated, often the words shame and guilt are used interchangeably. However, guilt is defined as “a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined” (Burgo, 2013)

Regret is tied to the feeling of sadness about an event or loss. Thus, guilt and regret are centered on events, behaviors, or losses, while shame is tied to a core belief about one’s lack of worthiness and brokenness beyond a single event or behavior.

Furthermore, shame is concentrated on the belief about oneself, while guilt often focuses on others or how your behavior impacted other people in your life. Guilt is often resolved by making amends, apologizing, and accepting consequences, while shame can be ongoing and harder to repair because it isn’t based on a lone thing (Gonzales-Barrios, 2022). It is possible to feel both guilt and shame, but they are different in their origin and focus.

Toxic shame is when shame has become central to one’s self-perception and is foundational in daily life. It is especially corrosive to change, hope, and health because toxic shame is shame without repair or healing. It becomes the way you interpret your worth and how you believe others view you.

Instead of being able to move forward from a mistake or behavior you don’t want to continue, toxic shame often keeps you stuck believing that you are incapable of change, worthless, and focused on how you are wrong or bad, not simply the behavior or action. Toxic shame can strip you of your ability to have self-compassion and to embrace your common humanity – the belief that you belong and that you don’t have to be perfect.

One author relates that shame “opens the door to anger, self-disgust, and other less-than-desirable feelings. It can make you feel small and worthless. It can trickle into your inner dialogue like a poison, locking you into a painful loop of negative self-talk” (Raypole, 2020). Since toxic shame is so central to your self-view, living with it has many implications.

Origins and implications

Living with toxic shame often begins in childhood. Negative words about your worth spoken by adults, such as your parents or caregivers, or others around you shape the way you view yourself, and when this is done over time, they can become the way you see yourself.

For example, if you wet the bed, your parent might have reacted in one of two ways:‌ They reassured you that it was all right and cleaned up without making a fuss. [Or] they lashed out at you and said things like, ‘Why do you always do this? What’s wrong with you?’ The second reaction would probably have led you to believe that there was something wrong with you. The feeling of shame can turn into toxic shame when the second scene keeps repeating. – Brennan, 2021

The words that you hear spoken about you as a child have tremendous power to impact how you develop your self-perception. In the first instance, the behavior is separated from the worthiness of the child; in the second, the behavior is seen as a symptom of their unworthiness and flaws. Toxic shame can also be caused by trauma, abuse, and neglect not just in childhood, but throughout life. The ramifications of living with toxic shame go beyond self-perception.

This condition also impacts physical and mental health. For instance, believing you are unworthy may correlate with self-neglect such as a lack of personal hygiene, lack of a healthy and balanced diet, and insufficient exercise. Inversely, individuals with toxic shame may become hyper-vigilant about their health and wellness, such as excessive exercise, extreme dieting, and perfectionistic to “fix” themselves.

Similarly, some people with toxic shame develop narcissism, which is a grandiose view of themselves often overinflating their importance and ambitions, and controlling others (Cikanavicius, 2018). When toxic shame is the foundation of your self-perception, it has many implications for your wellness.

Believing toxic shame is the truth has many implications for health and relationships. Research has shown that individuals who have toxic shame also struggle with substance abuse, alcoholism, self-harm, anger management issues, and eating disorders, to name a few. In relationships, they may withdraw from others (believing they are unworthy of friendship or intimacy and love) and struggle with perfectionism in the workplace (Brennan, 2021).

In addition, toxic shame can make it difficult to receive constructive feedback at work and in relationships because it is interpreted as another “sign” of unworthiness or imperfection. These behaviors and patterns not only reinforce their negative self-perception because of the guilt and impact on their health and relationships but are often coping mechanisms to avoid feeling their shame.

While it is adaptive to not want to feel shame, these behaviors only mask that pain rather than processing and resolving the core self-believe to one that holds hope and the possibility for change.

Healing from toxic shame

Thankfully, there is hope and many ways to heal from toxic shame. Often, treatment begins by healing from the negative beliefs that are tied to your overall toxic shame. There are many therapeutic avenues for identifying these core beliefs.

One clinically proven treatment process is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

The general overview of the treatment includes, “(1) First, the past events that have laid the groundwork for dysfunction are processed, forging new associative links with adaptive information; (2) the current circumstances that elicit distress are targeted, and internal and external triggers are desensitized. (3) imaginal templates of future events are incorporated, to assist the client in acquiring the skills needed for adaptive functioning” (Insitute, 2022).

Since toxic shame negative beliefs often begin in childhood and with trauma, EMDR is one way to heal from them.

Other ways to begin to heal from toxic shame include practicing mindfulness-paying attention to your self-talk and recognizing when you begin to feel shame. Likewise, incorporating compassionate self-talk through reframing such as: “Acknowledge the thought. ‘That’s one way of seeing things.’ Explore where it comes from. ‘My parents always looked at me like I was a failure when I didn’t meet their expectations.’ Consider evidence for or against it. ‘What about the things I’ve done right?’ Consider other perspectives. ‘I made a mistake, but I can fix it  –  and now I know what not to do next time.’” (Raypole, 2020).

Most importantly, and with a long-lasting impact, is working on toxic shame through a biblical lens. This starts with looking at each thought and overlaying it with trustworthy truths from the Bible. Seeing how these thoughts measure up to God’s Word is the underlying work that chases away the darkness because it cannot stand the light.

More ways to begin healing from toxic shame include professional support – finding a counselor and developing social support with friends and family.

Toxic shame has many origins and impacts on life. It often begins in childhood through the words spoken by adults and experiences such as trauma, abuse, and neglect. Toxic shame is foundational to self-perception, relationships, and quality of life. It is not something you have to live with forever.

References:

Brennan, D. (2021, October 25). What is Toxic Shame? Retrieved from Web Md: https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-toxic-shame

Burgo, J. (2013, May 30). The Difference Between Guilt and Shame. Retrieved May 2, 2022, from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shame/201305/the-difference-between-guilt-and-shame

Cikanavicius, D. (2018, September 2). A Brief Guide to Unprocessed Childhood Toxic Shame. Retrieved from Psych Central: https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2018/09/childhood-toxic-shame#3

Gonzales-Barrios, N. (2022, February 2). Shame Vs. Guilt: Understanding The Key Difference And The Effects On Our Experience Of Failure. Retrieved from The Pleasant Mind: https://thepleasantmind.com/shame-vs-guilt/

Institute, E. (2022, March 22). What is EMDR. Retrieved from EMDR.com: https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/

Merriam-Webster. (2022, May 2). shame. Retrieved from Merriam-Webster Dictionary: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/shame#synonyms

Raypole, C. (2020, September 23). Where Toxic Shame Comes From and How to Work Through It. Retrieved May 2, 2022, from Healthline: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/toxic-shame

Photos:
“Down”, Courtesy of StockSnap, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Sad Girl”, Courtesy of Alexas_Fotos, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Woman by the Lake”, Courtesy of HuyNgan, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Ashamed”, Courtesy of Lucas Metz, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Parenting Tips for When You’re Feeling Overwhelmed

/in , , , /by

Scripture says that “Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him,” (Psalm 127:3, NIV), and that can guide how to approach the children in your care. As gifts given by God, children deserve consideration, care, and wisdom to be raised well without exasperating them (Ephesians 6:1-4). Jesus’ attitude to children ought to inform how we welcome, acknowledge, and take joy in our children (Mark 10:13-14) even when we’re feeling overwhelmed.

All the above is true, and it should function as a north star for parents who want to raise their children in the Lord. These truths need to be remembered, and they are most easily forgotten in between school runs, doing laundry for the umpteenth time in a week, cleaning up messes, breaking up fights between siblings, dealing with tantrums and raging hormones, soothing and tending to wounds, and everything else that happens in most households.

It’s a beautiful, but overwhelming life

Being a parent is a beautiful and humbling experience. From the moment they are born or become part of your family, children bring joy, laughter, and a fresh perspective on life as you see things through their eyes. Nonetheless, the mom or dad life can also get overwhelming.

Parents and caregivers can get overwhelmed when they’re dealing with their children. This can happen for many reasons, including the fact that they may need to attend to work in addition to parenting. There are many demands on an adult’s life, and it can be hard balancing these with taking care of a child. This is especially true when they are young and need lots of attention, or if they have special needs and need consistent support.

Apart from the time demands on parents and caregivers, parenting can also get overwhelming due to a lack of resources and skills. If a child is dealing with depression, anxiety, an anger management disorder, or another mental health concern, a parent may not have the tools right away to understand what’s happening, and to know how best to support their child. During that early part of the learning curve, things can get overwhelming.

Additionally, parenting can get overwhelming if, as a parent, you have issues of your own that you need to work through. For instance, if a parent has anger issues, or they have abandonment issues, they may struggle with handling their child, though they love them dearly. It can be hard to stay calm under pressure or to help them with their emotions when one’s upbringing didn’t prepare them to recognize emotions and respond appropriately.

Hence, being a parent is both a wonderful and a remarkable gift, and also an intensive, heavy responsibility. It’s important to know how best to respond when you’re feeling overwhelmed, and the resources you can make use of to parent your child(ren) well.

Dealing with feeling overwhelmed

Being overwhelmed by parenting is more common than you’d imagine. Though it’s not entirely reliable, if you check out parenting groups and conversations online, you’ll find out quickly enough that you aren’t alone in the struggle. Knowing this can be a comfort. Some steps you can take in dealing with feeling overwhelmed in your parenting include:

Acknowledge what’s happening

It can be tempting to avoid, divert blame, or even get angry about what you’re feeling, without acknowledging it for what it is. When a parent feels overwhelmed, they can feel shame, guilt, self-blame, anger, and so on. Societal pressure to look like you have it together can conspire to make you deny what’s going on.

Ask for help

When you acknowledge what’s happening, and recognize that it’s okay if you struggle, that can open the way for you to ask for help. Whether you’re reaching out to your partner, trusted friends, neighbors, or your own parents for support, asking for help can provide you with the resources and capacity to cope.

Where possible, outsource or delegate responsibilities to others to lighten your load. You don’t love your child any less if you have help to handle certain aspects of life as a parent.

Make self-care a priority

Taking care of yourself is essential, whether that’s taking breaks to refresh yourself, carving out time for activities you enjoy, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly and eating well to boost your mood and energy, or learning to practice mindfulness so that you can be firmly in the present and relinquish worries.

Set realistic expectations

You won’t be able to do everything perfectly as a parent. Sometimes we can set an unattainable standard or one that’s not cognizant of present realities. We can also shape our identity around being a parent in ways that hinder our ability to struggle or seek help. That adds a burden that’s hard to bear.

Seek professional help

You can make use of parenting classes to help you nurture skills that will assist your parenting. Support groups for parents are available as spaces to share ideas and for parents to support one another. Additionally, a mental health professional can help you address specific concerns regarding your child, or if you’re working through your own issues that require processing and resolution.

Getting help

It’s okay to not have all the answers. Parenting is an exciting and sometimes bewildering journey. If it is getting to be too much or you feel overwhelmed, reach out to our offices today. We can set you up with a qualified therapist to help you work through any concerns or questions you may have about parenting your children well.

Photo:
“Potted Plants”, Courtesy of Virginia Marinova, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Clear Out the Clutter: Understanding Hoarding and How to Help

/in , , , /by

When it is time to clear out the clutter, one important need is to understand hoarding and how to help manage the underlying problem of having clutter in the first place. How does one determine what is enough and what is too much? How can we be good stewards of the Lord’s blessings? What does God even have to say about worldly goods and the clutter they can make?

About one in every five people has a storage unit in the U.S. We live in a consumer culture, often accumulating possessions and crowding current living and storage spaces to accommodate more.

We do this automatically, often without thinking about how we may be spending and shopping to feed a bottomless appetite. We are rarely satisfied, and in getting and gathering more, we might need to consider that what we long for is not something we can purchase.

Collecting stuff does not end with physical space. We leave little margin in our time and finances, squeezing the life out of what we have. This inadvertently welcomes anxiety and stress to settle in the cracks, where we feed brokenness and boredom with more.

While hoarding may proliferate in a consumer culture, there are deeper considerations to examine, especially if we are to understand the taxing nature of hoarding and how to help ourselves or our loved ones.

When a person loses a sense of self, following a traumatic experience, hoarding can be an anxious response in which they seek to reclaim identity, security, control, and safety by collecting, storing, and saving. Shopping and squirreling fill the void, offering a euphoric rush, sometimes inertly clinging to the memory of a past that may have seemed more stable or fulfilling.

Addictively, individuals engage in a cycle, fueled by compulsion and temporary gratification. It employs the thrill of the hunt, sometimes spurred on by special deals and coupons, enhancing its addictive appeal to the point of irresistibility.

The “just in case” purchases are garnered to create a high in an attempt to guard against the formidable unknown called “someday.” When addressing hoarding, there is a need to clear out the clutter that goes deeper than the physical overload of stuff.

Understanding and unpacking

Disorganized patterns of thought and behavior characterize hoarding. Those who hoard have experienced fear-based anxiety and a deep sense of lack and loss. The drive to obtain more is visible in amassing physical possessions, but it draws on accumulating things to supplement the invisible feelings of insecurity.

In this manner, hoarding is more than just being a “packrat” and having too much clutter. Compounded with impaired judgment and a bewildering paralysis, it hampers one’s ability to distinguish actual from perceived needs.

When we want to mobilize and activate change, we may find ourselves triggered to revert to the negative behavior again, thereby repeating the cycle of dysfunction. A sense of mental block distorts when we seek to sort what to keep, sell, discard, or donate. We may encounter the following:

  • Frustration with the volume of possessions.
  • The negative script of foreboding fear.
  • Being overwhelmed by the broad and multi-layered scope of a clean-out project.

It can seem impossible to move forward even with the best support, as many hoarding individuals may not be ready to stop. In understanding hoarding and how to help, it is important to understand that hoarding is not in anyone’s control except the hoarders.

Just as in addiction, hoarding requires immense amounts of support, encouragement, and accountability. It also requires a willingness to practice healthy alternatives.

Hoarding’s impact on health

Hoarding often compromises a person’s living spaces, presenting:

  • Toxic health risks, through expired and rotting food, in and around preparation surfaces.
  • The abundance of clutter that causes stumble or trip hazards.
  • A haven for undisposed pet wastes that attach and accumulate alongside household items and acquisitions.
  • Attraction for pests, such as insects and rodents, that breed disease.
  • Diminished air quality in the home, leveraging the impact on one’s respiratory system and overall health.

With these impacts on the health of the individual who is hoarding and on those involved, hoarding is something to be concerned about.

Possessions versus people

Individuals may hide their hoarding behaviors from family and friends for several reasons. They may have experienced shaming, criticism, or judgment from other family members, including significant others and children. Those who hoard may not even recognize themselves and close themselves off to others because of self-inflicted shame or out of perceived protection of others.

Struggling to break free from the addiction of accruing things demands the support of other individuals in the hoarder’s life, but those relationships can be difficult to maintain. Further isolation increases hoarding. In essence, hoarding behavior draws us away from human connection and pulls possessions closer than the people who love us.

Costs of hoarding

Hoarding cuts off relationships with others, making a literal barrier between people and the one hoarding. This further isolates the person in their addiction and the shame attached to it. It reconfigures family dynamics and superimposes its dysfunction through the following:

  • hiding,
  • fostering distrust,
  • leveraging subsequent shame, and
  • widening the gap of isolation.

It breaks covenants, where spouses and children encounter dispute  over what enters the space, how the home is managed, or the amount of finances spent on the items purchased. Hoarding breeds distrust and feelings of betrayal. It operates in secrecy, weakening the integrity of communication in the family. It consumes resources, diverting funds, time, space, and attention intended for family and household necessities to feed the behavior.

Consistent with the nature of the addiction, hoarding behavior aligns more with gratifying their insecurity, temporarily exchanging feelings of instability with the search to attain and accumulate more. To close loved ones, it can appear as if those who hoard attach more value to holding onto things than nurturing the relationships with their relatives. This may be the opposite of what they want to do.

With the shame factor, the loss of social networks and support extends beyond family. Hoarding shuts down opportunities for social connections, further isolating the person in their addiction.

For example, if a person wants to date or develop deeper friendships, they may be too embarrassed to interact with others, knowing that they occupy a living space that may not be conducive to hosting friends. It has been known to lead to lopsided relationships where friends feel disconnected.

Hoarding and how to help

Insecurity in our identity tells a story, revealing our soul hunger and thirst for idols that can never satisfy. Whether you are the person who may be hoarding or if you love the person who is hoarding, there is hope. Where there is hope, help is also present.

There may be underlying trauma associated with hoarding, hinting at a deeper issue that needs to be addressed. Working with a counselor can help an individual explore and identify what shifted, when, and where.

Counseling helps us to discover patterns of unhealthy behaviors while removing the layers that have compounded under negative mindsets, debilitating emotions, and insufficient support. Treatment fosters the opportunity and environment to rebuild identity and connection.

It’s important for those who hoard to regain and reset their identity. They need to begin being known as more than just a hoarder and to be known in the way that God truly sees them as one who is loved by Him, regardless. Additionally, connecting with a meaningful part of their past, such as rediscovering gifts and natural abilities, can be an important pivot in helping them move forward into their future.

While many specialized commercial services are available in the community that can help an individual organize and clear their physical space, perhaps, the most important step is to clear the shame and accusation blocking one’s mental and emotional territory.

When we shame ourselves or others, we further imprison ourselves in the behavior and the mindset that we want to overhaul. Shame and scorn give a place for destructive talk to speak louder than what God says about His beloved sons and daughters.

Hence, the lack of love, empathy, and compassion causes us to pad our identities with things that don’t give life. In working with hoarders, whether us or a loved one, we must lead from a place of love and compassion, having first received it from God so that we can share it.

Showing self-love and compassion is different from endorsing the behavior, but it can be transformative with the process of healing, growth, and change. God himself is patient, and He draws us closer with love, not scorn and shame. His compassion is the “it” factor that changes people’s hearts, driving out the tormenting fear, at the root of hoarding.

Next steps

Be patient with yourself and kind to those that you love. It doesn’t mean codependently endorsing maladaptive behaviors, but rather, embodying a compassionate commitment to offer what you can, as graced by God.

As you walk through a process to reset identity, heal issues, displace heart idols, and initiate a new path forward, you will establish new places of healing and coping. You will formulate new patterns as you walk through your life to make space for the new.

Reach out to our office today. The counselors at our office are equipped to help you navigate your path. There are open spaces that God has for you to explore and experience, not only in your home but also in your heart, the most sacred space that houses your life and relationships.

Photos:
“Old Books”, Courtesy of svecaleksandr249, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Hiding in the Shed”, Courtesy of Andrew Neel, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Naptime”, Courtesy of Rex Pickar, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Boxes”, Courtesy of chuttersnap, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Emotions are Normal: Using Your Emotions as a Source of Strength

/in , , , /by

Emotions are normal, and yet they can cause deep pain and trouble in life. The knowledge and understanding of emotions have grown to a place where terms such as OCD, narcissistic, panic attacks, and trauma are commonplace, and depression and anxiety are known as everyday struggles.

Naturally, at such times, people want solutions to stop their emotions. Something else that happens is people strive to protect their emotions. Either extreme is based on a skewed view of emotions.

Let’s normalize having emotions again

Happiness, anger, sadness, fear, and all of the other feelings named after these basic emotions have something in common. They are a normal part of the human experience. To have emotions is to be human. The Bible readily demonstrates this. From Adam and Eve, we can see emotions play a part in their behavior. From happiness to fear we can see all of the emotions on display. We rejoice when things go well.

Many find themselves relating with David as he laments in the Psalms. Most can understand the anger displayed against those who did wrong. So much of the fear displayed can be just as relatable. Emotions are not only normal, but they also serve a purpose. In fact, more than one.

Emotions are a source of strength

Appropriate for this lifetime, before Jesus comes back, are all of our emotions. Each of the emotions plays a role in leaving us longing for an eternity with God.

Happiness gives us all the illusion of simply enjoying life on this earth. However, as everything good comes from God, we can know that once God removes Himself from the earth there will be no such thing as something to smile about. Happiness allows us to taste His goodness and long for more of it.

Anger is a great emotion to draw us closer to God and be heaven-minded. Anger, when it rises because of someone sinning, aligns us with God’s hate of sin. Sinning in our anger allows us to see ourselves as we are and know that we do not deserve heaven, thereby bringing us to cling to the good news of the gospel.

Fear of God, which can come from recognizing our sin and understanding our breaking of God’s law, is the beginning of wisdom and drives us to salvation. Fear of the consequences of sin that is not our own brings a longing for heaven.

Sadness brings a similar longing for heaven. Whether it is remorse or grief, experiencing this normal emotion brings a longing for heaven. Once we recognize God’s presence as the answer, our emotions appropriately all bring about a longing for heaven.

A time for everything

No emotion is abnormal, and each emotion is appropriate for its certain time on this side of heaven. I can’t speak for heaven itself, other than there will be no more tears or pain.

Anger is normal to feel when sin steals and destroys. A hatred for sin is normal. So is sinning in our anger. There’s no settling for the sin in either instance just because anger is normal.

Fear is normal to feel when sin is revealed. It drives us to seek safety and stray from danger. Even the brokenness of the fallen world can strike fear in us. Fear reveals our need for a savior.

Sadness is normal to feel when sin steals and destroys. Whether you have a broken and contrite heart over your sin and need to repent, or you have felt the devastating effects of sin by another, sadness is supposed to be felt.

Emotions cannot be erased

If you are human, you have emotions. They are an innate part of us and cannot be erased. In fact, it can be scary not to feel anything. Physically speaking, the inability to feel anything removes a quality of life and safety mechanisms from the person. One of the scariest things for a parent is having a child who cannot feel physical pain because that child is then likely to have ailments they will ignore-even as severe as burnt flesh or broken bones.

Speaking in the area of emotions, when one does not feel anything, it often drives individuals to extremes, such as seeking physical pain for a replacement or disengaging with life and succumbing to the numbness they feel. Either extreme decreases the quality of life, and the safety emotions provide. Life would be much more difficult without emotions.

Since emotions cannot be gotten rid of, it is important to learn how to manage them and when to trust them. Emotions being an innate part of us means they are there automatically, but as humans are not perfect, emotions can respond to stimuli incorrectly. Simply put, at times our emotions can act out of our control and fire without warning, and sometimes, without cause. This drives the need to learn how to manage them.

Putting emotions to the test

Learning how to manage our emotions means testing them. Taking emotions for face value can lead to trouble if there is no call for the emotion and/or the amount of emotion in the first place.

How does one know which emotions to test and which emotions to go along with? Start with the emotions that cause the most difficulty in relationships and/or life in general. Are there any emotions that cause strife between you and a loved one? Is this a repetitive problem? That’s where you should start.

Once you’ve established a target, you can question it by asking for evidence that both supports and refutes its validity. Arguably, you can feel that something is a big deal where evidence may not point to it being so. If you have big feelings about something and those feelings are driving behavior that results in repetitive conflict, it will not be easy to test these feelings.

The next question is to ask where your circle of control is. With an understanding of what you do and do not have control over, you can start to explore areas of support that will help you manage these emotions most appropriately.

Once awareness, understanding, and support are established, you can continue to manage your emotions through practice. In a perfect world, questioning our emotions would be unnecessary. Unfortunately, on this side of heaven, sin is at play in everything.

Sin makes things complicated

Emotions are normal, but in this world, emotions are laden with sin. Instead of leading us away from sin and toward God, they can lead us toward sin and away from God. Complicating matters even further are the influence of other sinners and the overwhelming brokenness of this world. The nature of sin at play in our emotions drives the desire of many to rid themselves of the emotions altogether.

Sin is a normal part of this broken world. It does not, however, mean that we are at the mercy of sin. We can overcome sin and move past its devastating effects with the help of the Holy Spirit. Moving past is not easy, just as the managing of emotions comes with much effort.

Normal anger can bring about enslaving habits of outrage and cruelty with devastating shame, brokenness, and remorse to follow. Moving past the devastating effects of sinful anger can mean seeking forgiveness, improving the management of the anger, as well as releasing shame.

Sadness commonly brings about the destruction of connections with those around you and/or with God. It can cause a habit of mind where you think less of yourself than what is true or produce a skewed view of God and His promises. The chains of sadness can make it difficult to hope. Moving past these effects of sinful sadness brings connection, the ability to hold on to truth, and breathes hope into all circumstances.

Fear, in all of its sinful nature, brings about the destruction of trust and decreases access to truth. Moving past these effects can look like restoring access to support, shining a light on truth, and building a firm foundation to stand on.

Fighting through normal emotions and all of the effects of sin that complicate them can be difficult. The most important part is that you do not do it alone, but with God, and if possible, with another person who can point you to God. This is the best way to approach managing your emotions.

Reach out to me or one of the other Christian counselors in our online directory today if you find yourself needing support in managing your emotions and all of the thoughts and behaviors that they bring out.

Photos:
“Memory Loss”, Courtesy of Tumisu, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “World Clock”, Courtesy of PIRO4D, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Heart”, Courtesy of TheDigitalArtist, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Reflection”, Courtesy of Mikitia Yo, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

How to Read Scripture About Worry in Context

/in , , , , , /by

If you struggle with anxiety, fear, or worry, you may have tried memorizing Bible verses to help you in tough moments. However, if you’ve tried that and it hasn’t helped as much as you would like, it might be because Scripture about worry should always be studied – and ingested – in context.

Of course, the study of Scripture, regardless of the topic, should always be done in context to what’s around it. This is especially true when looking at scriptures about worry. It’s essential. Otherwise, the Bible becomes a pat answer to pacify what may feel like an irrational fear.

When we cherry-pick verses to medicate our wounds and worries, Scripture doesn’t lose its power, but it may feel like it does because the authority of the text isn’t gleaned. Instead, context helps us recognize that every verse is written in a chapter, and every chapter is held in a book of the Bible, and every book of the Bible was written at a specific time in history to a certain audience with its cultural mores.

Taking Scripture in context can be the difference between short-term memory acquisition and keeping it in your long-term memory.

Zooming in and zooming out on Scripture about worry

In Psalm 1:2, we read that the blessed man’s “delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law, he meditates day and night.” The “delight” here is akin to bending toward. To bend toward, or lean closer, to Scripture is to be ever careful with it, having a learner’s mindset.

The term “meditates” here signifies applied thought and reflection aimed at turning scripture over repeatedly. It is reflecting on what it means and reading it alongside prayer and worship with God.

Yes, context needs to include reading a scripture about worry in the context of an entire chapter. It also needs to be read with the mindset of learning and leaning into what God would help you to understand about that verse and chapter.

To read Scripture apart from a recognition of God’s presence is nothing more than reading the dictionary. It is learning for learning’s sake rather than learning for understanding and application.

If worry is a considerable struggle, you’ve likely sought God’s Word to soothe what fears you have. Once you have sought the Word in context to its chapter and verse, you can zoom out – as if taking a photo with a wide lens – to look at the context of the verse and the chapter within the book, as well as the cultural period that it took place in.

Too many people have been hurt by improper applications of Scripture because they lacked the cultural context of what was happening when the Scripture was originally recorded. God inspires all Scripture according to 2 Timothy 3:16-17, so we know it stands the test of time and is trustworthy.

We can also dig into it deeply to ensure we can see where the original hearers came from.

Using Greek and Hebrew dictionaries

Another way to read Scripture about worry in context is to use a Greek and Hebrew dictionary to look up repeated words or phrases that stand out to you. Many Bibles now have Greek and Hebrew dictionaries in the back, so it’s easier than ever to look up the original meaning.

For example, the scripture about worry that many people quote from Philippians 4:6 can’t be properly gleaned without also reading verse seven and then looking at who Paul was speaking to at the time. He was most likely addressing a group of Roman believers who had come to follow Christ as a result of Paul’s ministry there. They were Gentiles, and Paul was writing to teach them how to “stand firm” as he expressed in the first verse of the chapter.

One of those ways these young believers can stand firm is by not being “anxious,” according to the English Standard Version of verse six. However, upon further study, the word here in Greek means something closer to not becoming distracted by anxious cares.

The meaning of this scripture about worry is deepened significantly when you explore the root words. It could be read that you are never to worry, or it can be read that worries are natural to the human experience but allowing them to consume and distract us from God’s purpose and love is not what He desires for us.

Using prayer with Scripture about worry

The final tip for examining Scripture about worry through context is in prayer, privately and corporately. Ask God for its meaning in your own life and a group of trusted Christian friends.

God designed His Word to be lived out in community, so it’s important to learn with others and pray about the meaning of Scripture within a larger scope than your own. When your perspective is clouded or your view of a passage is limited, considering how others read it can be helpful. There is a reason this is the final tip to studying Scripture about worry in context.

Only after you’ve dug into the verse, chapter, and book of the Bible, exploring contextual cultural clues, can you begin to form your understanding of how to apply the Scripture to your struggles and challenges. Ultimately, you will recognize its impact on the Church and, together, understand its meaning and application.

Reaching out for help

At Huntington Beach Christian Counseling, we have counselors who are trained in examining Scripture about worry to help you overcome fears and anxieties that keep you from living a victorious life. Reach out to us today so that we can match you with a licensed professional counselor in Huntington Beach, California who believes in the power of prayer and Scripture to bring healing and hope.

Photo:
“Coast”, Courtesy of Kellen Riggin, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Conflict Management: The Art of the Sincere Apology

/in , , /by

We’re human. As much as we would like to believe we are perfect, we are fallible. One of the most crucial elements of conflict management is the ability to sincerely apologize. Unfortunately, despite our best efforts, our imperfections are sometimes most evident in our human interactions. We stumble and cause damage to friends, family, neighbors, and co-workers.

The good news is that despite our shortcomings, we possess a powerful tool that can potentially mend the divisions we create. A sincere apology can help us humbly acknowledge an offense or failure and show that we have a genuine commitment to change. This act helps to validate the other person’s feelings and acknowledges your awareness of responsibility. It is an art form that, when practiced with sincerity, can restore trust, deepen relationships, and inspire growth.

Why apologize?

Extensive psychological research points to the value of a sincere apology. When done correctly, it can repair a damaged relationship, bring closure to painful situations, and alleviate guilt. Good apologies are not just giving lip service or about getting forgiveness and moving on but involve a sincere expression of remorse and a genuine effort to understand and repair the harm you caused.

The Bible teaches that admitting wrongdoings and repenting are crucial steps in seeking forgiveness from both God and others. In 1 John 1:9, we are told to confess our sins and that we can be assured that God will be faithful to forgive and purify us. In the book of James, we are told to confess our sins to each other and to pray for each other so that we might be healed.

Apologizing brings reconciliation between conflicting parties, teaches us humility, and allows us to acknowledge our wrongdoings. Apologizing allows us to confess and repent of our sins and leads to peace in our hearts and relationships.

What makes an apology sincere?

A sincere apology encompasses four key elements, that when combined, convey a genuine desire to make amends. Here is how to make your next apology sincere and meaningful:

Acknowledging the mistake

By clearly and explicitly stating what went wrong, you demonstrate that you understand the negative impacts of your actions on others. Take responsibility for your actions and avoid justifying them or pushing blame on the other person. If you use a phrase like “I’m sorry, but…” you are negating the apology. Acknowledgment is the foundation of a meaningful and sincere apology.

Expressing remorse

Words alone are often not enough to convey your true remorse. The tone of voice, overall demeanor, and body language you use all reflect your genuine regret for the harm you caused. The recipient often feels a greater sense of sincerity when you allow them the opportunity to speak their mind uninterrupted.

Practice active listening skills by nodding your head and maintaining eye contact. Try not to fidget or appear distracted so the other person knows that you are focused on what they are communicating.

Commitment to change

A promise not to repeat the offending behavior is another principal element of a sincere apology. It shows a willingness to learn from mistakes and the desire to change. Be specific when you explain how you plan to do things differently to avoid repeating the offense. Do not demand or expect immediate forgiveness. Give the other person time to process their emotions.

Understanding and empathizing

Validating the other person’s emotions and showing empathy can help to heal the wounds caused by your actions. Avoid minimizing the situation. Do not say things like “It wasn’t a big deal” or tell the person that they are overreacting. It’s better to express that you understand that your actions affected the other person and to empathize with them.

A sincere apology is not about saying the perfect words or using a fancy vocabulary. It’s about taking ownership of your actions, demonstrating empathy, and committing to change. By using these tips, you should be able to craft a sincere apology that can help to bring about healing in your relationships.

If you are still struggling to make your apologies sincere, consider talking with a therapist. They can help you understand the reasons behind the difficulties and can guide you through the apology process. A Christian therapist can also help you learn to forgive yourself and reassure you that Jesus has already paid the price for your sins.

By mastering the art of a sincere apology, you can strengthen your relationships and be a lighthouse pointing others to the forgiveness of Christ.

Photo:
“Sunset Through Trees”, Courtesy of Irina Iriser, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Whose Turn is It to Say, “I’m Sorry”?

/in , , /by

It’s the famous question nobody wants to admit that they ask, and everybody swears they know the answer to: “Whose turn is it to say, ‘I’m sorry’?” There is no perfect formula. There are always exceptions to rules based on the circumstances. Many Christians don’t like the true answer to this question and rely on something other than God to change a heart.

You won’t like this answer

When asking, “Whose turn is it to say, ‘I’m sorry’?” more often than not it is going to be your turn first. Before you elbow that “certain someone” and offer them this article to read, re-read that last sentence: “More often than not it is going to be your turn first.”

The answer that it is “your turn” to say sorry first can be a hard answer to accept, especially if you feel like you’ve been saying sorry first more often and/or your spouse doesn’t exactly make a point to return an apology.

It is your turn to say sorry first

Why? The first reason it is more likely your turn to say sorry first is because you want to win. You may think winning looks like the other person coming to your side of things, humbling themselves, owning their wrongs. You may also think that it isn’t about winning, it’s about what’s right. However, what’s right is that marriage, especially between two Christians, is a race to say “I’m sorry” first (Matthew 18:21-35).

You see, it’s humility that wins the prize. Humility is seeing yourself properly. As Romans 3:23 puts it, “all have sinned.” The two of you have also become one flesh, bound together as equals. So, there’s no higher ground to be gained over your spouse.

The question “Whose turn is it to say sorry?” indicates that there are wrongs you need to confess just as much as the other person. Withholding your apology to wait for theirs isn’t supported by the Bible.

Own only what you can

Being humble and apologizing first does not mean you need to take full responsibility for what happened. It also doesn’t mean you get to boast about apologizing and badger your spouse for an apology.

Owning only what you can own looks like apologizing for something within the circle of your control. You cannot control their reactions, but you absolutely can influence their feelings and can control your own. For example, your overreaction or their claim that you insulted them are two areas where you can make apologies without owning more than your share of the problem.

If you are going to be the first to apologize, be sure not to make something up (Proverbs 12:22, James 5:16). Lying in an apology just to apologize first will only add to your conflict. Only say you are sorry for what you can own.

If it is difficult to recognize any wrong you’ve done, ask what you can be sorry for through prayer and/or directly talking to your spouse (Psalms 139:23-24). Maybe it is a hardness of heart toward them because of a wrong they have done to you. Maybe it is a wrong you did even years before that influenced them to commit the current wrong against you.

Don’t be fooled into believing that if you apologize for something it justifies their wrong actions against you. It’s clear that God is a just God and He doesn’t see things like that, so neither should we.

“I’m sorry” doesn’t make them right

It can be immensely difficult to be the first one to say “I’m sorry.” Finding something to own in an apology doesn’t mean there isn’t much more about which you’d like an apology from them. But sometimes, you have to ignore your spouse’s wrongs again and again while you work on your own wrongs and work things out with God (Matthew 7:3, Romans 12:17-19).

Besides, there will be time for concentrating on their wrongs later. Giving them an apology first without the strings attached of them needing to apologize often opens up room for them to approach with one.

When it doesn’t, we have to trust that God has both given us grace and mercy when we did not deserve it and that He will never let a wrong go without using it for His glory and the good of those who love Him.

Saying sorry doesn’t mean it feels better

Relying on a sorry to smooth things over is a setup for both you and your spouse. An apology doesn’t make the wrong disappear. Taking time to recover from being wronged is a natural repercussion.

This is true for little wrongs and big wrongs. This is true whether or not they wronged you in bigger ways than you wronged them. Waiting for your spouse to recover from their emotions, even after an apology, can be one of the most uncomfortable times between you and your spouse.

Choose to do the humble thing and trust God that it will glorify Him. No matter how long it takes or whether it ever results in gleeful peace between the two of you, by putting God first and trusting that He is using all things for your good and His glory, you can be sure that He will do what He says He will do: provide peace that protects your heart and your mind, provide joy beyond circumstance, and provide the blessing your enjoyment of His presence in heaven.

Heart changes come from God

When it comes to answering the question, “whose turn is it to say sorry,” it is all about heart work. The heart work you do with the Lord matters just as much as it does for your spouse. If you desire an apology from them, your heart work needs to be prioritized so you’re able to wait for their heart to be changed.

Your spouse isn’t going to change just because it’s the right thing to do until they fully believe it is the right thing to do. Just like King David, any of us humans can convince ourselves that what we are doing is right. It takes God to reveal our mistakes/faulty thinking (2 Sam 12).

As much as you may want your spouse to change and be the one to apologize first, you might not be the one who God uses to help change their heart. There may be more important matters at hand (1 Corinthians 7:25). That being said, it is often saying something once and allowing God to change their hearts that brings about the best of changes instead of using more words to try to get through to them.

If you are going to continue to speak to your spouse about an issue, whether for the first time or the fiftieth, choose your words before and after your apology through prayer and fasting (Esther 4:16, James 1:5, Psalm 4:4). Watch out for roots of bitterness that can spoil your words and actions.

Bitterness

Bitterness is a quick weed that can take over and suffocate any growth in a marriage. If you find yourself repeating the same words with your spouse about something you’re unhappy with, you need to consider the environment you’ve created is exactly where bitterness likes to grow.

A mature Christian is marked by extending grace to all (Hebrews 12). If bitterness is growing toward your spouse, grace is the antidote. Ephesians 4 talks about the love God has for us to give to one another. This love is expected most readily in a marriage.

A general guide to safeguard against pride and bitterness is to pray more than you correct. Love suffers all things, but it stands against sin. Through prayer, you can gain discernment about whether God wants you to address it with your spouse or let it go.

Support

Making an apology first can be hard. You may find yourself in a place where it is too difficult. You may find your marriage in a state where apologies don’t exist or seem to mean little. A Christian therapist is someone who you can talk to about these things privately with or without your spouse. Connect with us at Huntingtonbeachchristiancounseling.com to get started today.

Photos:
“Young Couple”, Courtesy of Surprising_Shots, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Trust”, Courtesy of LisaLove2Dance, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Holding Hands”, Courtesy of chermitove, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “I’m Sorry” Courtesy of Kelly Sikkema, Unsplash.com, Unsplash.com, CC0 License;

Grieving the End of a Relationship

/in , , /by

Grief doesn’t only occur after the death of someone we love. Grief is an intense emotional reaction to the loss of anyone or anything that once defined our lives in a meaningful way. People may experience grief after losing a job, grief for a country or home they no longer live in, or grief after the end of a relationship.

It may seem melodramatic to call the emotions after a breakup grief but no good comes of minimizing our experiences. It is only as we begin to understand and accept our emotions that we can begin gaining enough closure to move on with our lives. Life may not be the same for a long while after the end of a relationship, but grieving is often key to moving forward.

Love with nowhere to go

When someone who brought depth, meaning, and richness to our lives is no longer around, it leaves a void. In grief, this void gets filled with sadness, anxiety, depression, or a collection of coping mechanisms that might cause more harm to us. Someone has described grief as “love with no place to go.”

It’s natural to still feel all of the affection, attraction, and fondness for our ex-partner long after things have ended. After a breakup, this affection gets mixed with resentment, anger, guilt, regret, or hopelessness, or a combination of all of these things. It often feels like we have lost the foundation beneath us. The thought of facing life alone without our comfort person makes us feel exposed and vulnerable, along with all the other feelings.

Emotions are messy

Most of us have no choice but to carry on with life as we try to process the end of a relationship and all the feelings that come with it. Many people cope by compartmentalizing their emotions.

They pack all of their thoughts and feelings into a box, put the box out of sight, and try to continue with work and life as best they can. This can be effective for a short time, but eventually, the sadness and grief end up spilling out into our workplace, home life, or sleep schedule.

When we repress emotions, they have a way of escaping. They might show in the form of insomnia, panic attacks, an affected diet or loss of appetite, or emotional outbursts in front of children, family, or coworkers. Our friendships might begin to suffer as we choose instead to stay in, catch up on sleep, or wallow in sadness and self-pity.

Victim or victor

If the relationship ended badly, with fights and harsh words used as weapons, we may even dwell on our feelings of victimhood. Often, we do this because it can feel like vindication, and we might need that type of closure: vindication. If the relationship was toxic or caused harm to us, dwelling on our feelings of victimhood makes us feel like we did nothing wrong.

This is a way we attempt to get closure, but reliving an emotional end to the relationship doesn’t right any wrongs. Remaining in feelings of being the victim (even when we were the victim), can be regressive. We need to process those feelings in an outward way, not keeping them locked up inside.

There is a different path we need to take if our ex was abusive. In this case, they probably left us with scars that need healing. The best place to begin this journey is in therapy with a licensed counselor who can help us navigate that particular grieving process.

Finding support after the end of a relationship

Sometimes the emotions we face at the end of a relationship are a form of grief. Grief is a complex and often messy process that we must find a way through if we are to continue healthily doing life. Minimizing the emotions we have after a breakup is just as unhelpful as wallowing in negative emotions.

Like other forms of grief, we may have to acknowledge that we will always have a special place in our lives for someone we are no longer connected to. If the relationship was abusive or left us with emotional scars, it is best that we get professional help to heal those wounds. It is entirely possible to continue with life after a hurtful breakup, but it might just take some time.

If you are facing grief after the end of a relationship, you might benefit from speaking to a counselor about it. In counseling, you, as the client, determine the depth to which you go in the sessions. Reach out to us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling today and we will facilitate finding you a counselor in Huntington Beach, California that you feel comfortable with.

Photo:
“Beauty in Death”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, CC0 License