Clear Out the Clutter: Understanding Hoarding and How to Help

/in , , , /by

When it is time to clear out the clutter, one important need is to understand hoarding and how to help manage the underlying problem of having clutter in the first place. How does one determine what is enough and what is too much? How can we be good stewards of the Lord’s blessings? What does God even have to say about worldly goods and the clutter they can make?

About one in every five people has a storage unit in the U.S. We live in a consumer culture, often accumulating possessions and crowding current living and storage spaces to accommodate more.

We do this automatically, often without thinking about how we may be spending and shopping to feed a bottomless appetite. We are rarely satisfied, and in getting and gathering more, we might need to consider that what we long for is not something we can purchase.

Collecting stuff does not end with physical space. We leave little margin in our time and finances, squeezing the life out of what we have. This inadvertently welcomes anxiety and stress to settle in the cracks, where we feed brokenness and boredom with more.

While hoarding may proliferate in a consumer culture, there are deeper considerations to examine, especially if we are to understand the taxing nature of hoarding and how to help ourselves or our loved ones.

When a person loses a sense of self, following a traumatic experience, hoarding can be an anxious response in which they seek to reclaim identity, security, control, and safety by collecting, storing, and saving. Shopping and squirreling fill the void, offering a euphoric rush, sometimes inertly clinging to the memory of a past that may have seemed more stable or fulfilling.

Addictively, individuals engage in a cycle, fueled by compulsion and temporary gratification. It employs the thrill of the hunt, sometimes spurred on by special deals and coupons, enhancing its addictive appeal to the point of irresistibility.

The “just in case” purchases are garnered to create a high in an attempt to guard against the formidable unknown called “someday.” When addressing hoarding, there is a need to clear out the clutter that goes deeper than the physical overload of stuff.

Understanding and unpacking

Disorganized patterns of thought and behavior characterize hoarding. Those who hoard have experienced fear-based anxiety and a deep sense of lack and loss. The drive to obtain more is visible in amassing physical possessions, but it draws on accumulating things to supplement the invisible feelings of insecurity.

In this manner, hoarding is more than just being a “packrat” and having too much clutter. Compounded with impaired judgment and a bewildering paralysis, it hampers one’s ability to distinguish actual from perceived needs.

When we want to mobilize and activate change, we may find ourselves triggered to revert to the negative behavior again, thereby repeating the cycle of dysfunction. A sense of mental block distorts when we seek to sort what to keep, sell, discard, or donate. We may encounter the following:

  • Frustration with the volume of possessions.
  • The negative script of foreboding fear.
  • Being overwhelmed by the broad and multi-layered scope of a clean-out project.

It can seem impossible to move forward even with the best support, as many hoarding individuals may not be ready to stop. In understanding hoarding and how to help, it is important to understand that hoarding is not in anyone’s control except the hoarders.

Just as in addiction, hoarding requires immense amounts of support, encouragement, and accountability. It also requires a willingness to practice healthy alternatives.

Hoarding’s impact on health

Hoarding often compromises a person’s living spaces, presenting:

  • Toxic health risks, through expired and rotting food, in and around preparation surfaces.
  • The abundance of clutter that causes stumble or trip hazards.
  • A haven for undisposed pet wastes that attach and accumulate alongside household items and acquisitions.
  • Attraction for pests, such as insects and rodents, that breed disease.
  • Diminished air quality in the home, leveraging the impact on one’s respiratory system and overall health.

With these impacts on the health of the individual who is hoarding and on those involved, hoarding is something to be concerned about.

Possessions versus people

Individuals may hide their hoarding behaviors from family and friends for several reasons. They may have experienced shaming, criticism, or judgment from other family members, including significant others and children. Those who hoard may not even recognize themselves and close themselves off to others because of self-inflicted shame or out of perceived protection of others.

Struggling to break free from the addiction of accruing things demands the support of other individuals in the hoarder’s life, but those relationships can be difficult to maintain. Further isolation increases hoarding. In essence, hoarding behavior draws us away from human connection and pulls possessions closer than the people who love us.

Costs of hoarding

Hoarding cuts off relationships with others, making a literal barrier between people and the one hoarding. This further isolates the person in their addiction and the shame attached to it. It reconfigures family dynamics and superimposes its dysfunction through the following:

  • hiding,
  • fostering distrust,
  • leveraging subsequent shame, and
  • widening the gap of isolation.

It breaks covenants, where spouses and children encounter dispute  over what enters the space, how the home is managed, or the amount of finances spent on the items purchased. Hoarding breeds distrust and feelings of betrayal. It operates in secrecy, weakening the integrity of communication in the family. It consumes resources, diverting funds, time, space, and attention intended for family and household necessities to feed the behavior.

Consistent with the nature of the addiction, hoarding behavior aligns more with gratifying their insecurity, temporarily exchanging feelings of instability with the search to attain and accumulate more. To close loved ones, it can appear as if those who hoard attach more value to holding onto things than nurturing the relationships with their relatives. This may be the opposite of what they want to do.

With the shame factor, the loss of social networks and support extends beyond family. Hoarding shuts down opportunities for social connections, further isolating the person in their addiction.

For example, if a person wants to date or develop deeper friendships, they may be too embarrassed to interact with others, knowing that they occupy a living space that may not be conducive to hosting friends. It has been known to lead to lopsided relationships where friends feel disconnected.

Hoarding and how to help

Insecurity in our identity tells a story, revealing our soul hunger and thirst for idols that can never satisfy. Whether you are the person who may be hoarding or if you love the person who is hoarding, there is hope. Where there is hope, help is also present.

There may be underlying trauma associated with hoarding, hinting at a deeper issue that needs to be addressed. Working with a counselor can help an individual explore and identify what shifted, when, and where.

Counseling helps us to discover patterns of unhealthy behaviors while removing the layers that have compounded under negative mindsets, debilitating emotions, and insufficient support. Treatment fosters the opportunity and environment to rebuild identity and connection.

It’s important for those who hoard to regain and reset their identity. They need to begin being known as more than just a hoarder and to be known in the way that God truly sees them as one who is loved by Him, regardless. Additionally, connecting with a meaningful part of their past, such as rediscovering gifts and natural abilities, can be an important pivot in helping them move forward into their future.

While many specialized commercial services are available in the community that can help an individual organize and clear their physical space, perhaps, the most important step is to clear the shame and accusation blocking one’s mental and emotional territory.

When we shame ourselves or others, we further imprison ourselves in the behavior and the mindset that we want to overhaul. Shame and scorn give a place for destructive talk to speak louder than what God says about His beloved sons and daughters.

Hence, the lack of love, empathy, and compassion causes us to pad our identities with things that don’t give life. In working with hoarders, whether us or a loved one, we must lead from a place of love and compassion, having first received it from God so that we can share it.

Showing self-love and compassion is different from endorsing the behavior, but it can be transformative with the process of healing, growth, and change. God himself is patient, and He draws us closer with love, not scorn and shame. His compassion is the “it” factor that changes people’s hearts, driving out the tormenting fear, at the root of hoarding.

Next steps

Be patient with yourself and kind to those that you love. It doesn’t mean codependently endorsing maladaptive behaviors, but rather, embodying a compassionate commitment to offer what you can, as graced by God.

As you walk through a process to reset identity, heal issues, displace heart idols, and initiate a new path forward, you will establish new places of healing and coping. You will formulate new patterns as you walk through your life to make space for the new.

Reach out to our office today. The counselors at our office are equipped to help you navigate your path. There are open spaces that God has for you to explore and experience, not only in your home but also in your heart, the most sacred space that houses your life and relationships.

Photos:
“Old Books”, Courtesy of svecaleksandr249, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Hiding in the Shed”, Courtesy of Andrew Neel, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Naptime”, Courtesy of Rex Pickar, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Boxes”, Courtesy of chuttersnap, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Emotions are Normal: Using Your Emotions as a Source of Strength

/in , , , /by

Emotions are normal, and yet they can cause deep pain and trouble in life. The knowledge and understanding of emotions have grown to a place where terms such as OCD, narcissistic, panic attacks, and trauma are commonplace, and depression and anxiety are known as everyday struggles.

Naturally, at such times, people want solutions to stop their emotions. Something else that happens is people strive to protect their emotions. Either extreme is based on a skewed view of emotions.

Let’s normalize having emotions again

Happiness, anger, sadness, fear, and all of the other feelings named after these basic emotions have something in common. They are a normal part of the human experience. To have emotions is to be human. The Bible readily demonstrates this. From Adam and Eve, we can see emotions play a part in their behavior. From happiness to fear we can see all of the emotions on display. We rejoice when things go well.

Many find themselves relating with David as he laments in the Psalms. Most can understand the anger displayed against those who did wrong. So much of the fear displayed can be just as relatable. Emotions are not only normal, but they also serve a purpose. In fact, more than one.

Emotions are a source of strength

Appropriate for this lifetime, before Jesus comes back, are all of our emotions. Each of the emotions plays a role in leaving us longing for an eternity with God.

Happiness gives us all the illusion of simply enjoying life on this earth. However, as everything good comes from God, we can know that once God removes Himself from the earth there will be no such thing as something to smile about. Happiness allows us to taste His goodness and long for more of it.

Anger is a great emotion to draw us closer to God and be heaven-minded. Anger, when it rises because of someone sinning, aligns us with God’s hate of sin. Sinning in our anger allows us to see ourselves as we are and know that we do not deserve heaven, thereby bringing us to cling to the good news of the gospel.

Fear of God, which can come from recognizing our sin and understanding our breaking of God’s law, is the beginning of wisdom and drives us to salvation. Fear of the consequences of sin that is not our own brings a longing for heaven.

Sadness brings a similar longing for heaven. Whether it is remorse or grief, experiencing this normal emotion brings a longing for heaven. Once we recognize God’s presence as the answer, our emotions appropriately all bring about a longing for heaven.

A time for everything

No emotion is abnormal, and each emotion is appropriate for its certain time on this side of heaven. I can’t speak for heaven itself, other than there will be no more tears or pain.

Anger is normal to feel when sin steals and destroys. A hatred for sin is normal. So is sinning in our anger. There’s no settling for the sin in either instance just because anger is normal.

Fear is normal to feel when sin is revealed. It drives us to seek safety and stray from danger. Even the brokenness of the fallen world can strike fear in us. Fear reveals our need for a savior.

Sadness is normal to feel when sin steals and destroys. Whether you have a broken and contrite heart over your sin and need to repent, or you have felt the devastating effects of sin by another, sadness is supposed to be felt.

Emotions cannot be erased

If you are human, you have emotions. They are an innate part of us and cannot be erased. In fact, it can be scary not to feel anything. Physically speaking, the inability to feel anything removes a quality of life and safety mechanisms from the person. One of the scariest things for a parent is having a child who cannot feel physical pain because that child is then likely to have ailments they will ignore-even as severe as burnt flesh or broken bones.

Speaking in the area of emotions, when one does not feel anything, it often drives individuals to extremes, such as seeking physical pain for a replacement or disengaging with life and succumbing to the numbness they feel. Either extreme decreases the quality of life, and the safety emotions provide. Life would be much more difficult without emotions.

Since emotions cannot be gotten rid of, it is important to learn how to manage them and when to trust them. Emotions being an innate part of us means they are there automatically, but as humans are not perfect, emotions can respond to stimuli incorrectly. Simply put, at times our emotions can act out of our control and fire without warning, and sometimes, without cause. This drives the need to learn how to manage them.

Putting emotions to the test

Learning how to manage our emotions means testing them. Taking emotions for face value can lead to trouble if there is no call for the emotion and/or the amount of emotion in the first place.

How does one know which emotions to test and which emotions to go along with? Start with the emotions that cause the most difficulty in relationships and/or life in general. Are there any emotions that cause strife between you and a loved one? Is this a repetitive problem? That’s where you should start.

Once you’ve established a target, you can question it by asking for evidence that both supports and refutes its validity. Arguably, you can feel that something is a big deal where evidence may not point to it being so. If you have big feelings about something and those feelings are driving behavior that results in repetitive conflict, it will not be easy to test these feelings.

The next question is to ask where your circle of control is. With an understanding of what you do and do not have control over, you can start to explore areas of support that will help you manage these emotions most appropriately.

Once awareness, understanding, and support are established, you can continue to manage your emotions through practice. In a perfect world, questioning our emotions would be unnecessary. Unfortunately, on this side of heaven, sin is at play in everything.

Sin makes things complicated

Emotions are normal, but in this world, emotions are laden with sin. Instead of leading us away from sin and toward God, they can lead us toward sin and away from God. Complicating matters even further are the influence of other sinners and the overwhelming brokenness of this world. The nature of sin at play in our emotions drives the desire of many to rid themselves of the emotions altogether.

Sin is a normal part of this broken world. It does not, however, mean that we are at the mercy of sin. We can overcome sin and move past its devastating effects with the help of the Holy Spirit. Moving past is not easy, just as the managing of emotions comes with much effort.

Normal anger can bring about enslaving habits of outrage and cruelty with devastating shame, brokenness, and remorse to follow. Moving past the devastating effects of sinful anger can mean seeking forgiveness, improving the management of the anger, as well as releasing shame.

Sadness commonly brings about the destruction of connections with those around you and/or with God. It can cause a habit of mind where you think less of yourself than what is true or produce a skewed view of God and His promises. The chains of sadness can make it difficult to hope. Moving past these effects of sinful sadness brings connection, the ability to hold on to truth, and breathes hope into all circumstances.

Fear, in all of its sinful nature, brings about the destruction of trust and decreases access to truth. Moving past these effects can look like restoring access to support, shining a light on truth, and building a firm foundation to stand on.

Fighting through normal emotions and all of the effects of sin that complicate them can be difficult. The most important part is that you do not do it alone, but with God, and if possible, with another person who can point you to God. This is the best way to approach managing your emotions.

Reach out to me or one of the other Christian counselors in our online directory today if you find yourself needing support in managing your emotions and all of the thoughts and behaviors that they bring out.

Photos:
“Memory Loss”, Courtesy of Tumisu, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “World Clock”, Courtesy of PIRO4D, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Heart”, Courtesy of TheDigitalArtist, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Reflection”, Courtesy of Mikitia Yo, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

How to Read Scripture About Worry in Context

/in , , , , , /by

If you struggle with anxiety, fear, or worry, you may have tried memorizing Bible verses to help you in tough moments. However, if you’ve tried that and it hasn’t helped as much as you would like, it might be because Scripture about worry should always be studied – and ingested – in context.

Of course, the study of Scripture, regardless of the topic, should always be done in context to what’s around it. This is especially true when looking at scriptures about worry. It’s essential. Otherwise, the Bible becomes a pat answer to pacify what may feel like an irrational fear.

When we cherry-pick verses to medicate our wounds and worries, Scripture doesn’t lose its power, but it may feel like it does because the authority of the text isn’t gleaned. Instead, context helps us recognize that every verse is written in a chapter, and every chapter is held in a book of the Bible, and every book of the Bible was written at a specific time in history to a certain audience with its cultural mores.

Taking Scripture in context can be the difference between short-term memory acquisition and keeping it in your long-term memory.

Zooming in and zooming out on Scripture about worry

In Psalm 1:2, we read that the blessed man’s “delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law, he meditates day and night.” The “delight” here is akin to bending toward. To bend toward, or lean closer, to Scripture is to be ever careful with it, having a learner’s mindset.

The term “meditates” here signifies applied thought and reflection aimed at turning scripture over repeatedly. It is reflecting on what it means and reading it alongside prayer and worship with God.

Yes, context needs to include reading a scripture about worry in the context of an entire chapter. It also needs to be read with the mindset of learning and leaning into what God would help you to understand about that verse and chapter.

To read Scripture apart from a recognition of God’s presence is nothing more than reading the dictionary. It is learning for learning’s sake rather than learning for understanding and application.

If worry is a considerable struggle, you’ve likely sought God’s Word to soothe what fears you have. Once you have sought the Word in context to its chapter and verse, you can zoom out – as if taking a photo with a wide lens – to look at the context of the verse and the chapter within the book, as well as the cultural period that it took place in.

Too many people have been hurt by improper applications of Scripture because they lacked the cultural context of what was happening when the Scripture was originally recorded. God inspires all Scripture according to 2 Timothy 3:16-17, so we know it stands the test of time and is trustworthy.

We can also dig into it deeply to ensure we can see where the original hearers came from.

Using Greek and Hebrew dictionaries

Another way to read Scripture about worry in context is to use a Greek and Hebrew dictionary to look up repeated words or phrases that stand out to you. Many Bibles now have Greek and Hebrew dictionaries in the back, so it’s easier than ever to look up the original meaning.

For example, the scripture about worry that many people quote from Philippians 4:6 can’t be properly gleaned without also reading verse seven and then looking at who Paul was speaking to at the time. He was most likely addressing a group of Roman believers who had come to follow Christ as a result of Paul’s ministry there. They were Gentiles, and Paul was writing to teach them how to “stand firm” as he expressed in the first verse of the chapter.

One of those ways these young believers can stand firm is by not being “anxious,” according to the English Standard Version of verse six. However, upon further study, the word here in Greek means something closer to not becoming distracted by anxious cares.

The meaning of this scripture about worry is deepened significantly when you explore the root words. It could be read that you are never to worry, or it can be read that worries are natural to the human experience but allowing them to consume and distract us from God’s purpose and love is not what He desires for us.

Using prayer with Scripture about worry

The final tip for examining Scripture about worry through context is in prayer, privately and corporately. Ask God for its meaning in your own life and a group of trusted Christian friends.

God designed His Word to be lived out in community, so it’s important to learn with others and pray about the meaning of Scripture within a larger scope than your own. When your perspective is clouded or your view of a passage is limited, considering how others read it can be helpful. There is a reason this is the final tip to studying Scripture about worry in context.

Only after you’ve dug into the verse, chapter, and book of the Bible, exploring contextual cultural clues, can you begin to form your understanding of how to apply the Scripture to your struggles and challenges. Ultimately, you will recognize its impact on the Church and, together, understand its meaning and application.

Reaching out for help

At Huntington Beach Christian Counseling, we have counselors who are trained in examining Scripture about worry to help you overcome fears and anxieties that keep you from living a victorious life. Reach out to us today so that we can match you with a licensed professional counselor in Huntington Beach, California who believes in the power of prayer and Scripture to bring healing and hope.

Photo:
“Coast”, Courtesy of Kellen Riggin, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Conflict Management: The Art of the Sincere Apology

/in , , /by

We’re human. As much as we would like to believe we are perfect, we are fallible. One of the most crucial elements of conflict management is the ability to sincerely apologize. Unfortunately, despite our best efforts, our imperfections are sometimes most evident in our human interactions. We stumble and cause damage to friends, family, neighbors, and co-workers.

The good news is that despite our shortcomings, we possess a powerful tool that can potentially mend the divisions we create. A sincere apology can help us humbly acknowledge an offense or failure and show that we have a genuine commitment to change. This act helps to validate the other person’s feelings and acknowledges your awareness of responsibility. It is an art form that, when practiced with sincerity, can restore trust, deepen relationships, and inspire growth.

Why apologize?

Extensive psychological research points to the value of a sincere apology. When done correctly, it can repair a damaged relationship, bring closure to painful situations, and alleviate guilt. Good apologies are not just giving lip service or about getting forgiveness and moving on but involve a sincere expression of remorse and a genuine effort to understand and repair the harm you caused.

The Bible teaches that admitting wrongdoings and repenting are crucial steps in seeking forgiveness from both God and others. In 1 John 1:9, we are told to confess our sins and that we can be assured that God will be faithful to forgive and purify us. In the book of James, we are told to confess our sins to each other and to pray for each other so that we might be healed.

Apologizing brings reconciliation between conflicting parties, teaches us humility, and allows us to acknowledge our wrongdoings. Apologizing allows us to confess and repent of our sins and leads to peace in our hearts and relationships.

What makes an apology sincere?

A sincere apology encompasses four key elements, that when combined, convey a genuine desire to make amends. Here is how to make your next apology sincere and meaningful:

Acknowledging the mistake

By clearly and explicitly stating what went wrong, you demonstrate that you understand the negative impacts of your actions on others. Take responsibility for your actions and avoid justifying them or pushing blame on the other person. If you use a phrase like “I’m sorry, but…” you are negating the apology. Acknowledgment is the foundation of a meaningful and sincere apology.

Expressing remorse

Words alone are often not enough to convey your true remorse. The tone of voice, overall demeanor, and body language you use all reflect your genuine regret for the harm you caused. The recipient often feels a greater sense of sincerity when you allow them the opportunity to speak their mind uninterrupted.

Practice active listening skills by nodding your head and maintaining eye contact. Try not to fidget or appear distracted so the other person knows that you are focused on what they are communicating.

Commitment to change

A promise not to repeat the offending behavior is another principal element of a sincere apology. It shows a willingness to learn from mistakes and the desire to change. Be specific when you explain how you plan to do things differently to avoid repeating the offense. Do not demand or expect immediate forgiveness. Give the other person time to process their emotions.

Understanding and empathizing

Validating the other person’s emotions and showing empathy can help to heal the wounds caused by your actions. Avoid minimizing the situation. Do not say things like “It wasn’t a big deal” or tell the person that they are overreacting. It’s better to express that you understand that your actions affected the other person and to empathize with them.

A sincere apology is not about saying the perfect words or using a fancy vocabulary. It’s about taking ownership of your actions, demonstrating empathy, and committing to change. By using these tips, you should be able to craft a sincere apology that can help to bring about healing in your relationships.

If you are still struggling to make your apologies sincere, consider talking with a therapist. They can help you understand the reasons behind the difficulties and can guide you through the apology process. A Christian therapist can also help you learn to forgive yourself and reassure you that Jesus has already paid the price for your sins.

By mastering the art of a sincere apology, you can strengthen your relationships and be a lighthouse pointing others to the forgiveness of Christ.

Photo:
“Sunset Through Trees”, Courtesy of Irina Iriser, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Whose Turn is It to Say, “I’m Sorry”?

/in , , /by

It’s the famous question nobody wants to admit that they ask, and everybody swears they know the answer to: “Whose turn is it to say, ‘I’m sorry’?” There is no perfect formula. There are always exceptions to rules based on the circumstances. Many Christians don’t like the true answer to this question and rely on something other than God to change a heart.

You won’t like this answer

When asking, “Whose turn is it to say, ‘I’m sorry’?” more often than not it is going to be your turn first. Before you elbow that “certain someone” and offer them this article to read, re-read that last sentence: “More often than not it is going to be your turn first.”

The answer that it is “your turn” to say sorry first can be a hard answer to accept, especially if you feel like you’ve been saying sorry first more often and/or your spouse doesn’t exactly make a point to return an apology.

It is your turn to say sorry first

Why? The first reason it is more likely your turn to say sorry first is because you want to win. You may think winning looks like the other person coming to your side of things, humbling themselves, owning their wrongs. You may also think that it isn’t about winning, it’s about what’s right. However, what’s right is that marriage, especially between two Christians, is a race to say “I’m sorry” first (Matthew 18:21-35).

You see, it’s humility that wins the prize. Humility is seeing yourself properly. As Romans 3:23 puts it, “all have sinned.” The two of you have also become one flesh, bound together as equals. So, there’s no higher ground to be gained over your spouse.

The question “Whose turn is it to say sorry?” indicates that there are wrongs you need to confess just as much as the other person. Withholding your apology to wait for theirs isn’t supported by the Bible.

Own only what you can

Being humble and apologizing first does not mean you need to take full responsibility for what happened. It also doesn’t mean you get to boast about apologizing and badger your spouse for an apology.

Owning only what you can own looks like apologizing for something within the circle of your control. You cannot control their reactions, but you absolutely can influence their feelings and can control your own. For example, your overreaction or their claim that you insulted them are two areas where you can make apologies without owning more than your share of the problem.

If you are going to be the first to apologize, be sure not to make something up (Proverbs 12:22, James 5:16). Lying in an apology just to apologize first will only add to your conflict. Only say you are sorry for what you can own.

If it is difficult to recognize any wrong you’ve done, ask what you can be sorry for through prayer and/or directly talking to your spouse (Psalms 139:23-24). Maybe it is a hardness of heart toward them because of a wrong they have done to you. Maybe it is a wrong you did even years before that influenced them to commit the current wrong against you.

Don’t be fooled into believing that if you apologize for something it justifies their wrong actions against you. It’s clear that God is a just God and He doesn’t see things like that, so neither should we.

“I’m sorry” doesn’t make them right

It can be immensely difficult to be the first one to say “I’m sorry.” Finding something to own in an apology doesn’t mean there isn’t much more about which you’d like an apology from them. But sometimes, you have to ignore your spouse’s wrongs again and again while you work on your own wrongs and work things out with God (Matthew 7:3, Romans 12:17-19).

Besides, there will be time for concentrating on their wrongs later. Giving them an apology first without the strings attached of them needing to apologize often opens up room for them to approach with one.

When it doesn’t, we have to trust that God has both given us grace and mercy when we did not deserve it and that He will never let a wrong go without using it for His glory and the good of those who love Him.

Saying sorry doesn’t mean it feels better

Relying on a sorry to smooth things over is a setup for both you and your spouse. An apology doesn’t make the wrong disappear. Taking time to recover from being wronged is a natural repercussion.

This is true for little wrongs and big wrongs. This is true whether or not they wronged you in bigger ways than you wronged them. Waiting for your spouse to recover from their emotions, even after an apology, can be one of the most uncomfortable times between you and your spouse.

Choose to do the humble thing and trust God that it will glorify Him. No matter how long it takes or whether it ever results in gleeful peace between the two of you, by putting God first and trusting that He is using all things for your good and His glory, you can be sure that He will do what He says He will do: provide peace that protects your heart and your mind, provide joy beyond circumstance, and provide the blessing your enjoyment of His presence in heaven.

Heart changes come from God

When it comes to answering the question, “whose turn is it to say sorry,” it is all about heart work. The heart work you do with the Lord matters just as much as it does for your spouse. If you desire an apology from them, your heart work needs to be prioritized so you’re able to wait for their heart to be changed.

Your spouse isn’t going to change just because it’s the right thing to do until they fully believe it is the right thing to do. Just like King David, any of us humans can convince ourselves that what we are doing is right. It takes God to reveal our mistakes/faulty thinking (2 Sam 12).

As much as you may want your spouse to change and be the one to apologize first, you might not be the one who God uses to help change their heart. There may be more important matters at hand (1 Corinthians 7:25). That being said, it is often saying something once and allowing God to change their hearts that brings about the best of changes instead of using more words to try to get through to them.

If you are going to continue to speak to your spouse about an issue, whether for the first time or the fiftieth, choose your words before and after your apology through prayer and fasting (Esther 4:16, James 1:5, Psalm 4:4). Watch out for roots of bitterness that can spoil your words and actions.

Bitterness

Bitterness is a quick weed that can take over and suffocate any growth in a marriage. If you find yourself repeating the same words with your spouse about something you’re unhappy with, you need to consider the environment you’ve created is exactly where bitterness likes to grow.

A mature Christian is marked by extending grace to all (Hebrews 12). If bitterness is growing toward your spouse, grace is the antidote. Ephesians 4 talks about the love God has for us to give to one another. This love is expected most readily in a marriage.

A general guide to safeguard against pride and bitterness is to pray more than you correct. Love suffers all things, but it stands against sin. Through prayer, you can gain discernment about whether God wants you to address it with your spouse or let it go.

Support

Making an apology first can be hard. You may find yourself in a place where it is too difficult. You may find your marriage in a state where apologies don’t exist or seem to mean little. A Christian therapist is someone who you can talk to about these things privately with or without your spouse. Connect with us at Huntingtonbeachchristiancounseling.com to get started today.

Photos:
“Young Couple”, Courtesy of Surprising_Shots, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Trust”, Courtesy of LisaLove2Dance, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Holding Hands”, Courtesy of chermitove, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “I’m Sorry” Courtesy of Kelly Sikkema, Unsplash.com, Unsplash.com, CC0 License;

Grieving the End of a Relationship

/in , , /by

Grief doesn’t only occur after the death of someone we love. Grief is an intense emotional reaction to the loss of anyone or anything that once defined our lives in a meaningful way. People may experience grief after losing a job, grief for a country or home they no longer live in, or grief after the end of a relationship.

It may seem melodramatic to call the emotions after a breakup grief but no good comes of minimizing our experiences. It is only as we begin to understand and accept our emotions that we can begin gaining enough closure to move on with our lives. Life may not be the same for a long while after the end of a relationship, but grieving is often key to moving forward.

Love with nowhere to go

When someone who brought depth, meaning, and richness to our lives is no longer around, it leaves a void. In grief, this void gets filled with sadness, anxiety, depression, or a collection of coping mechanisms that might cause more harm to us. Someone has described grief as “love with no place to go.”

It’s natural to still feel all of the affection, attraction, and fondness for our ex-partner long after things have ended. After a breakup, this affection gets mixed with resentment, anger, guilt, regret, or hopelessness, or a combination of all of these things. It often feels like we have lost the foundation beneath us. The thought of facing life alone without our comfort person makes us feel exposed and vulnerable, along with all the other feelings.

Emotions are messy

Most of us have no choice but to carry on with life as we try to process the end of a relationship and all the feelings that come with it. Many people cope by compartmentalizing their emotions.

They pack all of their thoughts and feelings into a box, put the box out of sight, and try to continue with work and life as best they can. This can be effective for a short time, but eventually, the sadness and grief end up spilling out into our workplace, home life, or sleep schedule.

When we repress emotions, they have a way of escaping. They might show in the form of insomnia, panic attacks, an affected diet or loss of appetite, or emotional outbursts in front of children, family, or coworkers. Our friendships might begin to suffer as we choose instead to stay in, catch up on sleep, or wallow in sadness and self-pity.

Victim or victor

If the relationship ended badly, with fights and harsh words used as weapons, we may even dwell on our feelings of victimhood. Often, we do this because it can feel like vindication, and we might need that type of closure: vindication. If the relationship was toxic or caused harm to us, dwelling on our feelings of victimhood makes us feel like we did nothing wrong.

This is a way we attempt to get closure, but reliving an emotional end to the relationship doesn’t right any wrongs. Remaining in feelings of being the victim (even when we were the victim), can be regressive. We need to process those feelings in an outward way, not keeping them locked up inside.

There is a different path we need to take if our ex was abusive. In this case, they probably left us with scars that need healing. The best place to begin this journey is in therapy with a licensed counselor who can help us navigate that particular grieving process.

Finding support after the end of a relationship

Sometimes the emotions we face at the end of a relationship are a form of grief. Grief is a complex and often messy process that we must find a way through if we are to continue healthily doing life. Minimizing the emotions we have after a breakup is just as unhelpful as wallowing in negative emotions.

Like other forms of grief, we may have to acknowledge that we will always have a special place in our lives for someone we are no longer connected to. If the relationship was abusive or left us with emotional scars, it is best that we get professional help to heal those wounds. It is entirely possible to continue with life after a hurtful breakup, but it might just take some time.

If you are facing grief after the end of a relationship, you might benefit from speaking to a counselor about it. In counseling, you, as the client, determine the depth to which you go in the sessions. Reach out to us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling today and we will facilitate finding you a counselor in Huntington Beach, California that you feel comfortable with.

Photo:
“Beauty in Death”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Navigating Negative Thoughts and Emotions

/in , , /by

Navigating negative thoughts and emotions can be like treading water with an anvil or two in tow. When the negative thoughts start, negative emotions follow, and vice versa. Commonly, one or two negative thoughts can lead to more and avalanche into a full heap of negative emotions.

Overwhelming negative thoughts and emotions can lead to difficulty finding calm, peace, and or rest. They can disrupt marriages and relationships of any kind and can make it hard to go to work or participate in regular activities.

Negative thoughts and emotions can come after a crisis or in the middle of an average day when a memory of a negative experience pops up. They can arise during a conversation gone wrong, or during an activity not quite going your way.

Below are some practical tips to help you when your emotions are overwhelming and your thoughts aren’t leading to peace.

Negative thoughts

Negative thoughts, for the sake of this article, are defined as thoughts that are distorted, unhelpful, extreme, and/or without total truth. The truth is, they just happen. Negative thoughts can come out of nowhere.

Negative thinking can be set on repeat as neuropathways form. Your brain can start to make a habit out of negative thinking whether or not the circumstances are different.

It can become difficult to realize that the negative thoughts are a habit instead of a proper response. Some people find the negative thoughts more trustworthy than the positive thoughts.

Automatic negative thoughts are readily trusted the most and are common among all people. Many people have studied automatic negative thinking (ANT) and they’ve categorized negative thoughts into several common types.

A few of the most common ANTs are:

  • Mind reading (“I know what they are thinking!”).
  • Fortune telling (“This is what’s going to happen, I just know it”).
  • Thinking with emotions (“I am just telling you how I feel, so that’s the way it is”).
  • Focusing on the negative (“Everything blows up in my face. I’m never right.”)
  • Thinking with emotions (“Things are always how they seem – good or bad.”)

When ANTs take over, it is like a negative thought invasion. We experience a flood of emotions and cycle through the thinking over and over. The negative thoughts just keep coming.

This invasion often drives negative behavior. Because the ANTs are automatic in nature, they can go unnoticed before it’s too late and an invasion occurs. We can help the negative thought invasion from happening if we adopt certain practices.

How to help negative thoughts

The first thing about helping yourself avoid an ANT invasion is to get good at finding the automatic negative thoughts in the first place. When you become aware of the problem you can more easily address it.

The next step is to not let the negative thoughts carry on without a challenge. Stop assuming they are true, and start using discernment. How this works can look different for each individual. Some individuals will be able to navigate the challenge of negative thoughts by themselves. The use of humor, reasoning, or other means will enable them to move past the negative emotions with simple effort.

On the other hand, the individual who has invasions of negative thoughts that have gone unchallenged for years may need help in challenging the negative thoughts and figuring out what is trustworthy and what isn’t. This help can come in the form of a trusted individual, a pastor, or even a therapist. An outside perspective can help you get in touch with present reality and wade through the negative thoughts.

Negative emotions

Negative emotions are slightly different than ANTs, though they naturally come together in most instances. The first thing to know is that we are primed to trust them because emotions help keep us alive and functioning. Negative emotions are often not based on reality and lead to dysfunctional behavior when followed.

Not all negative emotions are untrustworthy, however. Emotions act as alarms, telling us that something is going on. Emotions are an important part of our lives, helping us navigate this world and connect with others. However, emotions cannot always differentiate between what is real or not. Emotions can react in the same way to both a real threat and a perceived threat when no actual threat is there.

Think of it as seeing a shadow through the window. Your fear may prick up and your emotions may alert you to something scary outside. Your thinking may take the alarm and trust it is scary, assuming it has to be a criminal. In all actuality, it is simply a balloon stuck in the tree.

Again, negative emotions are important, but they have no reasoning capabilities to navigate beyond reacting. They cannot develop a complex response, but are instinctual, without logic or reasoning capabilities. They can, however, be trained.

A warning from a mother about the fire can create a healthy fear that keeps the child from getting too close. Training our emotions can happen without really trying. One disappointing experience with a spouse can lead to a feeling of disappointment even if nothing similar happens again.

These are unhealthy emotions, based on faulty thinking and unhelpful assumptions. They still serve the same purpose, to keep us safe from pain, but they do so even when the danger is not really there.

How to help negative emotions

When negative emotions are completely overwhelming, it is important to focus your attention on the simple necessities in life. These include breathing, drinking water, eating food (something simple), movement, and resting. When we focus on the simple it allows for the negative emotions to settle more easily.

Another thing to consider when facing strong negative emotions is waiting. Give time for your emotions to cool off before making decisions. When dealing with anger specifically, the Bible tells us to work it out with Him, instead of reacting toward someone without hesitation (Psalm 44-5 and Ephesians 4:26-27).

For both negative thoughts and negative emotions

As said before, often there’s a mixture of negative thoughts and emotions that can overcome us. In times of facing both of them, it is best to consider a three-pronged approach:

  • Connect with wise counsel, therapist, pastor, elder, etc.
  • Put it to the test of Scripture.
  • Pray (the most powerful tool we have)

Navigating negative thoughts and emotions is a task we all face. You can overcome negative cycles of both by taking steps to change the response. This doesn’t erase the negative thoughts and emotions. Instead, it trains them to be in their place for their best uses.

Simplified and positive uses of emotions:

  • Anger is meant to help us respond to right and wrong, good and evil, and help us to stand in righteous ways apart from sin.
  • Sadness is meant to help us respond to good and evil, bringing us to long for God, and helping us to turn away from our sin.
  • Fear is meant to drive us and keep us from evil and wrong to good and right. Fear brings us to seek God and walk in His ways.
  • Happiness/joy is meant to bring us close to God as we know His goodness.

Emotions can be a positive thing, but when they are misused or inordinate, they require support to calm down. Taking these simple mechanisms of care and intention can make a big difference for most people. Connecting with others who can remain calm and help you engage in healthy coping is an important tool to use at any point of being overwhelmed or negative thoughts and emotions.

If you need any help in facing ANTs, the overwhelming force of negative emotions, or both, reach out to us at orangecountychristiancounseling.com today.

Photos:
“Sad Feet”, Courtesy of Anemone123, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Angry”, Courtesy of Whoismargot, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Bum”, Courtesy of rebcenter-moscow, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Reaching Out”, Courtesy of Community Image, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

How to Fix a Toxic Relationship: 8 Bible Verses to Consider

/in , , , , , /by

Looking to figure out how to fix a toxic relationship? Here are 8 Bible verses to consider while deciding if the relationship has any hope of continuing.

Being stuck in a toxic relationship

The cause of all toxic behavior is sin, which entered the world when Adam and Eve, the first man and woman, rebelled against God (Genesis 3). Because we are children of our first parents, we are all stained with this original sin.

We feel anger, pride, and selfishness, and we feel trapped. This causes us to constantly search for something to hope in or a way of escape. There is one hope only of escaping this sin: Jesus Christ who died for us so that we could be saved (Romans 5:8). With His grace, we can find out how to fix a toxic relationship.

Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? – 2 Corinthians 6:14

Paul admonished the church in Corinth for their lack of love and indifference toward him. This was because of their close connections with unbelievers. This had corrupted their spiritual growth.

Does this other person indulge people that distract from the gospel in your relationship? If this person or spouse is not being built up by believers, and is instead satisfied with being poured into by unbelievers, it is likely that you have a toxic relationship on your hands. Prayer is a great place to start as God promises He gives wisdom generously to all, without reproach as we ask Him with faith that He will provide it (James 1).

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. – Hebrews 13:14

This was one of the final exhortations by Paul to his followers in his epistle while imprisoned. He wanted them to show hospitality to strangers, remember those mistreated in prison, shun the love of money, and be content with what they had, remembering the Lord is always there to love and guide you. He is there for us in marriage, too.

God founded the institution; therefore, its vows must be upheld. Nothing is to come between you and loving your spouse and holding them in high regard – not their attitude or behavior, not your kids, not a job or other activity, not another person in any way.

Today, this type of behavior is too prevalent, often resulting in the break-up of marriages. If you find there is anything in the way of loving your spouse, you need to pray to the Lord for help to fix this toxic relationship and help you to rely on Him to help you do it His way.

Do not be deceived; ‘bad company corrupts good morals.’ – 1 Corinthians 15:33

This is true in all relationships – family, friends, and work. Who are your “friends?” Do they support you in times of want; are they there for you no matter the circumstances? Or do they disappear, making you wonder who you can trust? The Lord will never leave your side. He is incorruptible.

As a Christian, you are called to love others. Loving means taking the right course of action, in accordance with God’s Word, and to not be corrupted or change your views. He is the Lord, and He will let you know how to fix a toxic relationship with others. Conform to God’s law, not the world’s.

If your brother sins against you, go, and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and tax collector. – Matthew 18:15-17

These are strong words, but they ensure accountability and effective conflict resolution. You must look at others as souls. Forgiving a person (family, friend, co-worker, etc.) or spouse means looking at them as a fellow “brother” or “sister” in Christ, a soul that has been redeemed and is called righteous just as you are.

Forgiving someone who is not a believer is loving our enemies just as we are instructed to, and looking at them as souls in need of a Savior. Wading through the consequences of the wrongs done might take longer. Knowing how to fix a toxic relationship can involve deeper issues that will take time to understand. Take it to the Lord in prayer, search His Word for wisdom, and seek out good, God-centered counsel.

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. – 1 Corinthians 6:8

When it comes to sex, we see that nothing is new under the sun. In Paul’s day, sex of all kinds was normal for most people. This included adultery, prostitution, pedophilia, homosexuality, etc. Sex outside of marriage was accepted as normal, just as it is today. Paul states you must flee from sexual immorality. It’s wiser to escape from this sin than be subdued by it (Genesis 39:7-12). You are only harming yourself and others involved.

Paul fought against the casual attitude toward it by some Christians and the pain it causes to both spouses. Today we still commit these sins. This causes friction, bad attitudes, and bad relationships. You will need to learn how to fix this toxic relationship.

Rely on the Lord. Pray for a resolution that will return the love you feel for your spouse and an escape from any relationship that does not honor God by respecting the design of sex to be between a married man and woman. Seek counsel to help point you to God’s will.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others. – Philippians 2:3-4

Paul once more tells us to treat others’ needs as more important than our own, and other people as greater than us. By doing this, you will achieve the kind of humility that results in love and unity. His goal was to center attention on other people, not yourself. We need to do this in our personal relationships and marriages.

By treating people with respect, you will be influencing the relationship out of toxicity. There will be the most opportunity for harmony and understanding of each other’s needs when at least one person is honoring the Lord. There may still be conflict, but true love will, with God’s help, see you through such times as you look to suffer well and seek out the other soul’s good above your own.

I appeal to you brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine you have been taught; avoid them. For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naïve. – Romans 16:17-18

Paul begs the Christians in Rome to be on their guard against false teaching, by holding to the truth they know and protecting it at all costs. He knew that others would come after him and try to sow division and confusion in the church, seeking after their own selfish desires.

Fixing a toxic relationship is a manner of speaking the truth to one another, whether at home, the office, or with anyone. Cling to the gospel to see your way through any measure of toxic relationship. Put everything to the test of Scripture to make straight your paths.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

With this chapter, it’s easy to see that love conquers all. There is nothing it can’t overcome. This is the love of Christ. As followers of Christ, we strive to love like this by the power of the Holy Spirit. Knowing how to fix a toxic relationship is using this love for every relationship. The Lord will show you how if you ask Him. Evil is overcome by the power of love.

It is quite clear in these verses that love should dominate our thoughts and actions. How to fix a toxic relationship then becomes a simple matter of understanding God’s love and loving the other person with it.

Get help with your relationships today by reaching out to a therapist on our website.

Photos:
“Anchor”, Courtesy of Takmeomeo, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Fam”, Courtesy of Dimhou, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Couple at Sunset”, Courtesy of qrzt, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Estranged”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

What is Therapy Like? An Inner Look at the Therapy Office Experience

/in , , , /by

If you are asking yourself “What therapy is like?” then this article is for you. It takes an inner look at the therapy office experience and the many differences you find behind each door. With all the differences, it can make it difficult to decide how, when, and what therapy to start with.

That’s okay, there are tools for that as well (see “Individual Choice” section). There are not only differences between therapies and therapists but also unique phases of therapy each client goes through. It all comes down to individual choices.

Differences

Certain techniques of therapy fit certain people. There is no one-size-fits-all. In order not to make this a textbook-sized article, the following are over-simplifications of different types of therapy, including some highlights of the most used therapies out there such as DBT, CBT, somatic, psychodynamic, etc. Just as a reminder, this is an oversimplification.

Commonly used therapies

DBT, ACT, CBT. basically brain training. The concepts are black-and-white, plug-and-play techniques that have proven to work for many people. There’s a lot of talking, but a lot of formulas being plugged into throughout.

Somatic

Body and brain training. The concepts connect the whole brain, but the focus is on the reptilian portion and therapists work through experience exercises that can range from holding onto the edge of a table to jumping off a tower into a foam pit.

Psychodynamic

Here’s where you talk it out and see where things go. Most offices really do have a couch, and some people lie down on it.

Online vs. in-person

Youth

The entertainment factor is a must to consider how well they can engage/be attentive (so don’t be surprised if there is more of a play approach), there’s a certain age limit for the general therapist out there.

Adults

Psychological disconnect (no replacement for in-person), but otherwise no difference is shown in short-term studies (in other words, real work can still be done online).

Social: male/female, religious/nonreligious, race

Male/female

You may not have a preference, or you may feel strongly about it. It will be an easy choice for some individuals. As a couple, it may be more difficult to navigate the first-time choices of a male or female.

The most important question is whether you have had major trauma involving one gender to another. Either way, it’s going to be a case-by-case basis where one gender or another could change your mind on the issue just because of how they naturally fit your case.

Religious/non-religious

Similar to male/female considerations – the couple’s work makes this more of a factor than for individuals since couples may not be in the same space religiously and will need to find the best middle ground.

For individuals, the benefit of a particular religious background is an understanding of vocabulary and context to certain sensitivities. Otherwise, no matter the religious background, it is likely the therapist has worked with both religious and nonreligious alike.

Race

Again, you may not have a preference, but similar to the above, race can be an identifying factor in who you want to see and open up to in the experience of therapy.

The phases

The beginning phase

The beginning phase is when the introductions happen. No matter the level of intensity of the problem, this phase typically has little change overall. It is in this phase where the problem can be closely examined, and the client can work to get used to the therapist and the therapist can get to know the client. Typically, if any progress is made in this stage, there will be a temptation to quit too early before the lasting work is done.

The working phase

This phase can be the most uncomfortable for the client. It is in this phase where challenges to the client’s routine/habits are made. It is the time when the reality of the situation shows and the going gets tough. It is important to advocate for yourself during this phase, so the therapist can adjust their approach accordingly.

The end phase

This phase can be difficult for some, but in general, this is where progress is reviewed, game plans for future trouble are made, and final check-ins take place before saying goodbye to therapy. This may mean that progress has been made and therapy is no longer needed. However, this may also occur before transferring to a new type of support.

Individual choice

Overall, therapy is an individual choice. With no guarantees offered, the success of it depends on multiple factors. Your individual choices are not only what type of therapy you will try, but also what type of therapist you want to meet with. Another individual choice is when you want to enter and exit therapy.

Regarding couples therapy, it should be kept in mind that there is no such thing as shotgun therapy. Should a spouse not be committed to the relationship, even for a short time for the sake of trying therapy, there should be no couples therapy.

Keeping these choices in mind is important in helping you sift through the options of therapists and therapies out there. If it becomes more overwhelming to make the decision yourself, reach out to our reception team at https://cachristiancounseling.com/ or 424-438-2888 and let them know so they can help you find the best place to start.

Photos:
“Relaxing”, Courtesy of Coen Stall, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Naptime”, Courtesy of Adrian Swancar, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Counseling”, Courtesy of TienDat Nguyen, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Why Do Affairs Happen? 7 Reasons for Infidelity

/in , , , , , /by

There is often value in answering the question, “What happened?” In the story of a marriage, when infidelity occurs, it’s important to understand what happened and why it happened. According to some statistics, infidelity is responsible for between 20-40% of divorces. However, not everyone who has experienced infidelity opts to end their marriage. Many couples can find healing and choose to remain together.

Part of the healing process includes understanding why the infidelity happened in the first place so that the marriage can be strengthened and restored. Knowing why infidelity occurred can help a couple with accountability, and with developing a deeper understanding of how to love one another better.

Some reasons for infidelity

Infidelity is when one partner breaks their commitment to remain faithful to their partner by engaging in a romantic or sexual relationship with another person. Infidelity doesn’t have to be sexual. An emotional affair is when a person forms a deep connection with someone other than their partner, and that connection resembles or rivals the connection in the primary relationship.

Infidelity occurs under a wide variety of circumstances, and there are several reasons why people have affairs. What’s important to remember is that though there may be significant reasons why one decides to have an affair, the affair is still a decision, and one should take responsibility for one’s decisions. Understanding the reason behind infidelity shouldn’t absolve responsibility or create room for blaming or blame-shifting.

The key reason to understand why infidelity happens is to understand where there may be weaknesses in the relationship or issues that an individual or the couple needs to address as they go through counseling. Some of the reasons why infidelity occurs include:

Issues in the primary relationship

This is the reason most people assume why infidelity happens. Perhaps there’s a wedge that forms in the relationship and the couple drifts apart. Perhaps one partner begins working a lot more or goes through a serious illness, and intimacy suffers as a result. A period of prolonged conflict can also potentially result in seeking comfort outside the relationship.

Permissive attitudes

We live in a cultural and social context in which the mores around monogamy have been shifting profoundly. Polyamorous relationships are lauded, and as these cultural and societal norms about sex and intimacy shift, people may find themselves crossing boundaries into infidelity.

Low self-esteem and compulsion

A person may find themselves having an affair against their will, for instance when they are coerced by their employer. An individual with low self-esteem may also find themselves in an affair because they struggle to say “No” or because they may be seeking validation through the affair.

Sex addiction

A condition like sex or romance addiction can also be a contributing factor to an affair occurring.

Nostalgia and self-exploration

It’s common for an affair to happen when two people who were in a relationship before managing to connect again and rekindle their relationship. Taking the road not traveled and exploring new aspects of oneself is another reason why infidelity might also occur.

Revenge

If one spouse has had an affair in the past, the other spouse might have an affair as a form of revenge and to hurt their counterpart.

To end the relationship

If someone feels as though they want to end the relationship, and they feel otherwise unheard or powerless to do so, they may have an affair as a way to undermine the relationship in such a significant manner as to end it.

Finding healing after infidelity

When infidelity occurs, it undermines trust in the relationship. That breach of trust is serious enough to end the relationship. A betrayal can make it difficult to move beyond being suspicious of the partner who cheated. In many ways, infidelity can also be traumatic, causing nightmares and flashbacks for both partners.

Healing after infidelity can only really happen if there is an acknowledgment that the affair happened. Without remorse or taking responsibility for what happened, a couple can’t move forward and begin making the changes necessary to heal the broken trust. In addition to this, accountability is necessary so that the partner who was cheated on feels safe enough to trust their partner again.

Counseling is another ingredient in a couple’s finding healing. It creates a safe and supportive environment for the couple to explore feelings of hurt, and for them to express their needs and begin setting goals for themselves.

Through counseling, the couple can explore reasons for infidelity and why the infidelity occurred. They can also identify unhealthy patterns in the relationship, address areas where the couple does not love each other well, and work to improve their communication and intimacy.

Getting help

If you or your partner is struggling to work through the impact of infidelity, please reach out to us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling. We can arrange an appointment for you to see a trained Christian therapist in Huntington Beach, California who can help you walk a healing journey.

Photos:
“Green Plants”, Courtesy of Vadim L., Unsplash.com, CC0 License