Finding Support When You’re Going Through Grief

What does it look like when someone is hit with a circumstance that demands they spend time going through grief? The truth is, though there are threads of similarity, it looks different for everyone. There are types, stages, and timing of grief. Whether you or someone you know are currently experiencing grief, below you will find information to assist in what’s to come.

Types of Grief

Going through grief is different depending on the type. Different types include sizes, personal or removed, as well as factual or fictional.

Sizes

Light

This type of grief is signified by the incident being marginal and forgettable after a brief period. Whether it is a day, a week, or a few months, life tends to move on quite easily from this kind. This type includes incidents such as a flat tire, broken bone, bad grade, trouble at home, lack of sleep

Heavy

Loss of life, car wreck, loss of job, loss of a relationship, or anything life-changing that takes time to move through make up this type. This is the kind that lingers, and rightly so. You are not without reminders of it for some time after the blow hits. Aside from reminders, you might be required to take an active part in actions required after the circumstance that sparked it, adding to the weight of it.

Over and undersized grief

This type of grief occurs when a person makes too big a deal of something or too little a deal. Your experience of grief does not fit the circumstance. This can be a reaction such as “That person died, so what?” or “I stained my favorite shirt – I can’t possibly go now!”

Personal or Removed Grief

There is the kind of grief that is personal to someone and the kind that is somewhat removed from the person experiencing it.

Both personal and removed grief are felt, and appropriate at times. While removed grief is somewhat vicarious and can be felt in a way that serves to connect individuals in a support network, it is not always easy to overcome because it is grounded in thoughts and emotions that don’t have an actual event to cause them.

Personal grief always has a direct incident to link back to, an intimate connection that is based on personal experience in the moment. Removed grief can have a personal connection to the circumstances, but the timing of the experience for that grief is based on the past as opposed to the current moment for the other person. Removed grief can also be about the present but with less personal connection.

Factual or Fictional Grief

This distinction may be the most difficult for some to distinguish between. Both factual and fictional grief are truly felt. There are real feelings that can be linked in any number of ways to real circumstances that typically also make sense.

The distinction between factual and fictional grief is whether or not any part of it is made up beyond what was real. There is a point in real grief that continues the feelings and thoughts because of a desire for them to continue.

This can lead to a lack of self-care, a reduced reliance on support, a refusal to live the present life as it is, etc. It looks like not just setting aside time to remember, but experiencing the grief over and over as though it just happened.

Stages of Grief

You may be familiar with the stages of grief, but do you know that no two people go through them the same way, even if their grief is the same? Some know the stages of grief by the 7-stage model and some by the 5-stage model. Below are all seven stages to account for both:

Shock – unable to process what has happened
Denial – unable to accept what has happened
Anger – against what has happened or against whom it has happened to
Bargaining – for what has happened to be reversed
Depression – overwhelming sadness about what has happened/without hope
Acceptance – understanding what has happened and that it will not be reversed
Processing Grief – moving through and beyond into healing

Again, none of these stages are always felt in order. One may even cycle through one or two of them more than once or skip some of them altogether.

Timing

Grief is never welcomed

The pain of sorrow and groaning of the flesh, when it goes through a loss, is nothing anyone delights in. The timing of a circumstance that causes grief makes a difference in how one processes it and can make a difference in how one recovers from it.

When tragedy hits upon tragedy

Grief upon grief is a well-known saying for a reason: it happens. The timing of this grief can feel crushing on a whole new level. It can also expand the numbing feeling from one tragedy to the next so that the one experiencing the grief can seem removed from it.

Thoughts that occur during grief are often, “When will it end?” and “How much can one person handle?” One can feel more isolated in their grief during a multi-incidence of tragedy because fewer people can relate to their circumstances.

Expected grief

When grief is expected, certain people feel two waves of grief, one when they are told to expect a tragedy, and another when the tragedy takes its toll. This type of grief, similar to tragedy upon tragedy, can isolate individuals due to feeling insecure about expressing grief because they had time to prepare for the tragedy to strike. They may choose to hold in their grief around others to spare them the cost of bearing the grief with them.

In your best shape

When tragedy strikes during a high in life people going through grief can experience it in two polarizing ways. Some may experience an easier time, remaining functional and dispensing grief throughout a period of time without removing themselves too far from everyday life.

Others experiencing grief while in their best shape can feel as though it was completely unexpected. This unexpected nature of the tragedy can lead to the person taking it overly hard, completely removing them from daily life as they feel they are cast into a pit. In this circumstance, it can take a long time to recover and return to normal life activities and relationships.

When you’re at your lowest

Similar to tragedy upon tragedy, when grief hits someone at their lowest it can often have a numbing effect. It’s one more tragedy to add to the multitude of ailments in life and it doesn’t feel much different from how one feels most days.

There is a chance that someone experiencing tragedy while at their lowest can connect with other healthy individuals during their grief, find support, and see a turnaround for the better because of it.

Getting Help

When you or someone you know is going through grief there are three things to keep as top priorities. The first is to know that no two people experience grief in exactly the same way. This means that there is no wrong or right way.

The second is that for whatever amount of time you or someone else needs to recover, it is important to keep life as simple and basic as possible. The third, and possibly the most important thing is to keep connected with stable, positive, and supportive people who can help you in your low and encourage you to get back to life one step at a time.

Going through grief is difficult for the best of us. If you need someone to help you during this overwhelming time, please reach out to our team at www.orangecountychristiancounseling.com to connect with a counselor today.