The Struggle of Parenting Teenagers: Part Two

The struggle of parenting teenagers is real; am I right?

It’s the age where independence and peer focus skyrocket to a whole new level. It’s the age where parents’ fears resurface from the beginning of their lives: “Who will they turn out to be?” “Will life go well for them?” “Will they be successful?”

These are just a few of the questions asked by parents across the world. As teenagers mature into adulthood, parents are faced with the final years of pouring themselves into their kids. Along with that come new challenges, new struggles, and unknowns no one could have predicted.

In part one of this two-part series, “The Struggle of Parenting Teenagers,” we took a look at common struggles teenagers deal with while they try out new behaviors, understand in new ways, and feel new levels of emotions. In part one, we also dove deeper into the common responses parents give to their teenagers in the face of these struggles and highlighted the potential shortcomings of these responses.

Here in part two of this series, we will develop a set of alternative responses when things get hard with teenagers. Whether the first response goes well for you or not, these responses deserve some thought as you navigate your teenager’s developing years.

There is no perfect formula. No, one-size-fits-all approach that will get you the perfect teenager and the “perfect parent” award. Instead, the list below is meant to serve as more in your arsenal of thought and behavior toward your teenager as you guide them through these next formative years of their lives.

Alternative Responses in Parenting Teenagers

In place of or in addition to any of the responses detailed in part one, here are some responses for parents to consider when facing difficult teenage behavior.

Give time

Giving teenagers your time can be an impactful response (whether appreciated at first or not) to a teenager who is engaging in problematic behavior.

This response looks like selecting an amount of time according to the type of behavior (maybe starting with a week, or trying it for a month), and engaging in intentional time with your teenager each day or instead of alternative activities (e.g., in place of going to practice, the teenager stays home with the parent and plays games, finishes house projects, completes Bible studies, exercise, etc.).

Engage with the church

In the Body of Christ, there are people of faith, old and mature enough to pour their energy, experience, and love into youth. During times when you, as the parent, cannot be with the teenager, and during even times when you can, consider setting up time for your child to spend time with other people of faith. This allows the teenager to spend time with and talk to someone who is not a parent, but who shares similar values to you.

Be the leader

As a leader in the home, taking the initiative to model the desired behavior of the teenager goes a long way. This includes refraining from electronic use while in their presence, engaging in church and/or community activities, etc.

If you feel like you’re already doing all of this, you’re off to a great start. Consider how you can come along with your teenager during this time and engage with them while they are participating in positive activities.

Have heart-to-hearts

Your teenager may be the strong, silent type. Try utilizing different locations, environments, and activities to open them up. Consistency works wonders in training them up to expect you will be talking with them, and that they will be expected to talk with you.

Activities can look as simple as Q&A prompts or magazine quizzes. Take things up a notch by shooting some hoops or going to miniature golf. Don’t be afraid of going to grab some ice cream and walking on the beach.

Engage in a service/community mindset

Teenagers are capable of serving major roles in the family and community. Their impact can be as large as the functioning of the family home, or stretch into the external workings of the city they live in.

If the teenager doesn’t play an active role in the home, now is a great time to establish one or more. These roles can include spending time with siblings, helping out around the house, serving the grandparents, volunteer work, community service, etc.

Where to look for help

Parents and teenagers need lots of support. There are new things to face and new expectations to live by for everyone. The struggle of parenting teenagers (as well as being a teenager) is even more difficult without a community or proper sources to lean on.

Everyone has opinions, so when it comes to taking advice, it is important to vet it.

The Bible

The Bible is a source of wisdom and truths that are unchanging and full of promise. When looking to the Bible for counsel, be careful to study the heart of God in the matter-not just taking a verse and blanketing it over your situation based on your own understanding. Using the Bible as a source of counsel comes by studying the word, the context of each word, and gaining an understanding of who God is and His instructions for us, His followers.

If your teenager is not a follower of Christ and doesn’t recognize the Bible’s authority over them, it is important to take counsel from the Bible for your actions as a parent, as well as how to address unbelievers. This is in addition to how God wants your teenager to be counseled by His Word to become a believer and gain assurance of their salvation.

Don’t assume the Bible will have meaning in your teenager’s life before a) you work on your own life, and b) your teenager has been saved.

People

People are an essential part of our lives. We need people to help us function and thrive. God Himself tells us through the Bible how our influences not only matter, but also how the Church is a critical part of our spiritual growth and faith journeys.

Understandably, it can be difficult to establish relationships with good, faith-filled people. Time, effort, grace, and forgiveness are necessary components of keeping and growing healthy relationships; most of those are in short supply because of one thing or another.

How, then, does one go about choosing people to speak into and influence our lives and the lives of our teenagers? The first step is to pray. Pray for the wisdom of both you and the people you are choosing. Pray for the strength to stand up for what is right. Pray for a filling of time, effort, grace, and forgiveness in all parties involved.

The next step is to reach out. If you are already involved in some sort of church group or have family that hold strong Christian values, you’ve got a ready-made pool of people to invite to pray with you, spend time with you, counsel you, and spend time with or counsel your teenager.

If you do not already have a built-in group to select from, then getting involved in one can take time you don’t feel like you have. The beauty of God being outside of time is that He has already gone before you in this and is not anxious for things to move at a specific speed. So, it’s time to get serious about getting involved with your local church.

In the meantime, while you are working on growing relationships and testing those waters for your family, try connecting with the resources of trusted theologians. These resources can include sermons, commentaries, web articles, books, podcasts, etc.

When evaluating your options for who to get closer with and connect your teenager with, consider exploring the book of Titus. In just three chapters, the book of Titus lays out guidelines for leaders. From how they are to be behaving in life, to what their family’s behavior looks like, to what they teach.

Church Family

While a church family is included in the people who can support you during the parenting years, a church family serves as a greater source of encouragement. Involving yourself in church is an important part of living as a Christian and shepherding your family in Godly ways.

This is more than just serving in a ministry and going on Sundays. Involving yourself in church to the level of church becoming a family means being sharpened, sharpening others, discipling others, being discipled, using your gifts, being poured into, and pouring out into others.

Most of the New Testament letters to the churches outline God’s design for you and your family to be a part of His Body. They are there for you to study and guide you through every struggle you can face in the church.

Family

Family is an important part of every teenager’s life. Whatever state your family is in, start there.

Strengthening relationships is the next step. This includes your teenager as well as interactions between your teenager and other members of your family. This is done by taking time to invest by listening, enjoying each other’s company, engaging in new or liked activities by each party (it doesn’t have to be liked by both/all parties), and/or working on chores/household/service projects.

Role models are another important area to evaluate when parenting. You are a role model to your teenager; which other adults are as well? Are you being protective and supportive in teaching your teenager how to discern between positive and negative role models?

Lastly, your teenager is a role model for others who are younger (in addition to the influence they have over their peers). Have you done the work to pour into your teenager the teaching necessary for developing a value system and way of behaving that properly encourages them for such a role?

How do you know if you need a therapist for parenting teenagers?

When you don’t know where to start addressing the struggle of parenting teenagers, your first thought can be to contact an expert and get counsel. Reaching out to a Christian therapist can be an appropriate first step for you to have space and counsel to work on your struggles.

If you are not yet connected to a church or have limited access to support, then a Christian counselor can be a support while you develop those relationships.

If there are few or no trusted adults to support your teenager, then a Christian counselor can be a support while you seek out and develop relationships. Do not discount your own relationship with your teenager in this equation. Developing a trusted relationship can take some time, and the teenager’s willingness will be a factor.

Maybe you need help mediating between you and your spouse about parenting teenagers. A Christian counselor would be appropriate help for the two of you in addressing the struggle of parenting teens together. If you see yourself as disconnected from your teen, a Christian therapist can help you reconnect with your child.

Wherever you are on the journey, if you need support, we have therapists available to talk this week. Check us out at https://cachristiancounseling.com/