Helicopter Parenting: Is it Helpful, Harmful, or Avoidable?

/in , , , ,

🎧 Listen to this article

You’ve probably heard the term helicopter parenting thrown around in parenting circles. The phrase conveys a mental image of a parent hovering over a small child who’s just trying to play freely. The phrase might also conjure images of a college student whose parent still plays an interventionist role in her education, such as calling a professor to find out why the student got a bad grade.

The term helicopter parent was first used in a 1969 book about parenting teenagers. Today, it’s commonly used to describe parenting that’s too involved, as opposed to having a healthy level of engagement.

Sometimes parents admit that they’re helicoptering but claim that it’s necessary. As time goes on, sometimes the realization sets in that this type of parenting can do more harm than good, hampering a child’s ability to develop the necessary independence that’s a part of growing up.

If you’ve heard of helicopter parenting, you’re probably aware that it’s generally seen as a negative parenting style. But you are probably aware that the opposite extreme (dismissiveness, disengagement, and neglect) is even more harmful.

What does helicopter parenting look like?

Since helicopter parenting is overly intrusive and controlling, it does not respect a child’s need for increasing independence as he or she grows. Sometimes it doesn’t allow much room for a child to have negative experiences or emotions.

These issues are heavily dependent on the age of the child. What might be helicopter parenting for a teen could also be healthy parenting for a toddler. Every child and family is different, with highly individual needs.

While there are overall principles that can guide us as we try to understand good parenting, individual counseling for parenting can be far more helpful in assessing specific needs for each child and family.

How do you know if you’re a helicopter parent? Some signs and symptoms of helicopter parenting might include parent-directed play, overly strict rules, unwillingness to allow the child to take initiative, lack of unstructured free time, and parental discomfort with a child’s negative emotions.

In teenagers, helicopter parenting might look like intensive control over neutral areas, demanding strict accounting of time, not allowing room for decision-making, or being involved in communication with teachers, employers, or other authority figures on the teenager’s behalf.

Many of the actions in helicopter parenting are valuable in and of themselves, but harmful when taken to an extreme. That’s why nuance is important and why Christian counseling for parenting can help parents avoid the pitfalls of helicopter parenting and help their child grow into all God has created them to be as the years pass.

When we set our children free from intrusive parenting, we allow them to flourish on their own as individuals, and that can be both joyful and scary to witness. Christian counseling for parents can not only address parental issues, but also individual issues of anxiety, fear, and other emotional concerns.

What Helicopter Parenting Is Not

Let’s emphasize that parental involvement, responsiveness, and warmth are all crucial aspects of raising a child. The younger the child, the more hovering will be required. Parents should not worry that by being involved in their child’s life or having firm, loving guidelines and boundaries, they are in danger of ruining their parenting with helicoptering.

Attunement (emotional responsiveness) and empathy (relating to others’ feelings) are both crucial to the well-being of individuals and relationships, especially in the forming of parent-child bonds.

If you respond to your baby when they cry, help regulate your toddler’s emotions, help your elementary child with their homework, or console your teen after their first breakup, don’t worry. None of these actions indicates that you’re a helicopter parent.

Let’s outline some specific behaviors to avoid and the healthy behaviors parents can replace them with, as well as go over some of the risks of helicopter parenting.

As always, individual Christian counseling can address your specific situation much better than generalized advice can. Please contact our office today for more information about Christian parenting counseling.

What does godly parenting look like?

Many Christian parents wonder how they can parent effectively in an increasingly secular culture. Does helicopter parenting mean not exercising control or limits over what your child watches or whom they befriend? How should a parent set age-appropriate rules, especially for teens? And what happens when your child makes a mistake because you gave them the freedom to do so?

The Bible doesn’t offer a wealth of direct parenting advice, but as an example, here are two Scriptures that mention parenting:

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. – Ephesians 6:4, NIV

Train up a child in the way he should go, and even when he is old, he will not depart from it. – Proverbs 22:6, ESV

We can see from these passages that parenting is a sacred responsibility, not something to be taken lightly. God calls parents to guide and teach their children, but the outcome of that training is in His hands.

The Balance of Healthy Parenting

On the one hand, being overly involved in your child’s life may inhibit their healthy development. But on the other hand, a lack of positive engagement and adequate guidance can also hold them back.

What is the balance of allowing a child freedom as he or she grows, but maintaining an engaged and responsive parenting style?

How can parents show up lovingly and be present every day, but also provide space for children to explore independently, make mistakes, and learn how to become increasingly competent over time?

What To Do Instead of Helicoptering

For toddlers, preschoolers, and elementary-age children allow them to play and explore freely in safe environments. Let them take the initiative in play. For toddler tantrums, provide soothing co-regulation rather than giving in to their demands.

Watch them play rather than playing with them every time. When you do play with them, allow them to take the lead. “Stage” toys and analog activities for them to discover.

In these early years, focus on laying a good foundation of healthy involvement so you’ll be able to gradually let go as they get older.

For elementary, middle, and teens avoid overscheduling. Allow them to do hard things themselves and learn from their mistakes. Protect them from bullying and harsh treatment, but allow them to navigate low-level friendship problems themselves, while remaining available to talk things through.

For teens it’s important to allow age-appropriate freedom, independence, and decision-making as much as possible, while protecting teens from the risks inherent to adolescence. This is much easier said than done! According to the Cleveland Clinic, it’s crucial to maintain warmth, connection, and open communication as much as possible while still following through on family rules and guidelines.

Perhaps one of the most important things is to get to know your child as an individual and base your parenting on their needs.

Growing In Grace as a Parent

Helicopter parenting isn’t the healthiest parenting style, and it’s also not the most harmful. It’s often a way for well-intentioned parents to give their kids the best chance they can at having a good life. But despite good intentions, this parenting style can be detrimental to child development and the parent-child relationship.

No parent is perfect, and no child is perfect. Christian parenting isn’t about perfection; it’s about allowing the love, grace, and discipline we experience from the Lord to flow through us and make a difference in our children’s lives.

Overly involved parenting can be a sign of heart issues, not just a need for parental behavior modification. When we take the time to delve into what’s motivating us, we might uncover fears, hurts from the past, or other issues affecting our ability to trust the Lord and walk in freedom and confidence as parents.

The good news is that there is so much freedom to be found on the other side of fear. We can embrace the love and guidance of God and know that He loves our children even more than we do. As we learn to set them free and let them go, we can grow in confidence that the Lord is the one who never lets either of us go.

If you need practical help in applying biblical principles to your parenting and avoiding helicopter parenting and other unhealthy parenting styles, please call our office today at (949) 386-7181 or contact us to schedule your first risk-free session. The trained counselors at Christian Counseling can walk with you on your sacred journey of parenting.

Resources: 
https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/what-is-helicopter-parenting/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/childhood-narcissism/202409/how-helicopter-parents-hurt-their-children
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/could-your-helicopter-parenting-actually-be-detrimental-to-your-childs-developmentPhoto:
“Dishes with Dad”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Helping Siblings Get Along When Insecure Attachment Might Be The Root Cause

/in , , , ,

Sibling relationships are some of the longest-lasting connections in a person’s life. For most kids, these relationships are a rollercoaster. They share bedrooms, toys, secrets, and sometimes even clothes, but they also share tension, competition, and misunderstandings. One minute, they’re giggling over an inside joke, and the next, they’re fighting over who gets the last cookie.

Some of that back-and-forth is totally normal and part of growing up. When kids struggle to get along, parents rush to look for quick fixes, trying more rules, more separation, or more rewards for good behavior. What’s less talked about is how some deep emotional patterns, like insecure attachment, sometimes shape the way siblings relate to each other.

When kids feel unsure about their place in the family or worry that love and attention are limited, it can lead to rivalry, jealousy, and constant conflict. Understanding this connection helps parents respond with more clarity and patience.

What is insecure attachment?

Insecure attachment develops when a child doesn’t consistently feel supported, understood, or emotionally safe with the people they rely on most. This doesn’t mean the parent is neglectful or unloving. It can stem from stress at home, busy routines, or even well-intentioned but inconsistent responses from adults.

A child with insecure attachment might question their place in the family. They may feel unsure of their worth, worry about being left out, or struggle to trust that love will stick around. And when those worries bubble up, they often play out in sibling relationships.

If one child feels less secure than the other, they may see their sibling as a threat or a competitor. Even small things, like who gets the bigger slice of cake or who sits next to mom, can trigger strong reactions. They may try harder to grab attention, push boundaries, or even pick fights. This is not because they want to be difficult, but because they’re trying to feel noticed or reassured.

Why Sibling Conflict Might Actually Be a Cry for Connection

When siblings clash, it’s easy to zoom in on the behavior. Who pushed whom? Who started it? Who broke the toy? But often, the fighting masks a deeper need, like a craving for connection.

A child who doesn’t know how to ask for attention in a healthy way might act out toward a sibling instead. Teasing, interrupting, or picking a fight can be their (imperfect) way of saying, “See me. Hear me. Be with me.”

While that doesn’t make the behavior okay, it gives us a different insight. When we respond with curiosity instead of just punishment, we give kids the message: “I see something bigger going on here, and I’m here to help.”

Some sibling disagreements are normal. But if you’re noticing patterns that go beyond typical sibling squabbles, insecure attachment could be a factor.

Signs That Insecure Attachment Might Be at Play

  • One child is always trying to win or be better than the other
  • Constant tattling, blaming, or pointing fingers
  • Avoiding time with a sibling or refusing to play together
  • Intense reactions to small things (like who gets more attention)
  • A child who seems anxious when their sibling gets attention
  • Difficulty apologizing or making up after a fight

Such behaviors normally aren’t just about personality. They may reflect deeper worries about safety, love, and connection.

The Subtle Messages Kids Pick Up at Home

Kids are always watching and listening. Not just to what we say, but how we say it. If one child gets more praise, more comfort, or more freedom (even unintentionally), the other might start to feel less important. Even offhand comments like “She’s the responsible one” or “He’s so dramatic” can leave lasting impressions that shape how kids see themselves and each other.

These subtle messages shape how kids see themselves and each other. A child who feels less than their siblings might start to act out, withdraw, or constantly try to prove that they’re enough. But when we stay mindful of how we respond to each child, we can create a home where everyone feels seen, heard, and valued.

When One Child Always Seems to Need More

You might notice that one child seems to need extra attention, more reassurance, or more help than their siblings. This can be exhausting for parents, especially when it feels like one child is always taking up space. This usually isn’t about being spoiled but more about emotional safety. That child may be unsure whether they’re truly loved, so they cling a little tighter or demand more control.

The good news? Meeting their emotional needs, through routines, calm reassurance, and dedicated one-on-one time, can help them feel more secure. Over time, they’ll likely become less reactive and more comfortable sharing space with their sibling.

Knowing When to Step in and When to Step Back

As parents, it’s tempting to referee every sibling spat. But not every argument needs adult intervention. In fact, jumping in too quickly can prevent kids from learning how to solve problems on their own. On the flip side, ignoring repeated conflict outright can leave kids feeling like no one has their back.

So how do you know when to step in?

It’s time to step in if things are escalating, someone feels unsafe, or the same issue keeps repeating. Step back if the conflict is minor and the kids seem capable of working through it. When you do intervene, focus on guiding, not punishing. Use calm language, help each child express their feelings, and guide them toward a solution. If the conflict is minor and both kids seem capable of handling it, give them a chance to try.

What to Do When It Feels Like the Fighting Never Stops

  • Spend one-on-one time with each child regularly. It helps them feel secure and less likely to compete for your attention.
  • Avoid comparisons. Even light-hearted ones like “He’s the smart one” can cause resentment.
  • Teach simple ways to express emotions. Give your child the words, like “I feel left out,” so they don’t need to act out to be heard.
  • Pay attention to when fights tend to happen. Is it around bedtime? Shared toys? Once you know the triggers, you can set clearer expectations or offer more support in those moments.
  • Create shared positive experiences. Game nights, family walks, or silly routines help siblings connect outside of conflict.
  • Respond with curiosity. If one child tends to dominate or pull away, ask, “What were you hoping would happen?” instead of jumping to discipline.
  • Encourage repair. Teach them to apologize, listen, and make amends. Model this yourself by owning mistakes and showing how to rebuild trust.
  • Celebrate each child’s growth. Focus on their efforts, not just achievements, so they feel valued for who they are, not how they compare.

Sometimes, sibling struggles go deeper than day-to-day squabbles. If a child has experienced trauma, bullying, or ongoing stress, it can affect how they relate to others, especially their siblings.

In these cases, therapy can be a powerful tool. A child therapist can help kids unpack their emotions, develop healthier coping skills, and build stronger relationships. They can also support parents in understanding what their child really needs and how to meet those needs without burning out.

The Big Picture: It’s about emotional safety, not just behavior

Helping siblings get along isn’t just about stopping fights or managing behavior. It’s about creating a home where every child feels emotionally safe, valued, and connected.

When kids feel secure, they don’t need to compete for love. They’re better able to handle conflict, show empathy, and grow into the kind of siblings and humans who treat each other with kindness and care. That’s the kind of relationship that can last a lifetime.

If you’re worried that something deeper might be going on, there are many licensed child therapists available here, just a call away. Getting support now can make a lasting difference in your child’s emotional world and in the bonds they build with their siblings. Reach out to this office to learn more.

Photos:
“Silly Faces”, Courtesy of Austin Pacheco, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Sitting on a Hammock”, Courtesy of Sr. Janko Ferlic, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Traits of a Highly Sensitive Child and How to Care for Them

/in , , ,

Children often experience big emotions, and it is typically normal. Some children, however, feel they live in a state of extreme emotion all the time and are more easily triggered by their environment. When this happens, you may find yourself wondering if your child’s reactions are normal or if you have a highly sensitive child.

Help! I have a highly sensitive child

A highly sensitive child is a child who processes and reacts more deeply to their experiences than other children do. They are inherently wired like that. Highly sensitive children are often known to be feisty and fierce, passionate and persistent, insightful and empathetic, intuitive and intense, and they are constantly living in extremes. They’re known to be either ecstatic or enraged.

Highly sensitive children are sensitive to their environment, experiences, relationships, and expectations. They are amazing children, but because they react in bigger ways than most, they are prone to frustration, power struggles, and perfectionism. This is because they find it more challenging to adapt to the limits and expectations they encounter in their daily lives.

The intensity of highly sensitive children can be exhausting for their parents or caregivers. It can be hard to understand your highly sensitive child in all their complexity, and they are often misunderstood because there seems to be no middle ground with them. The better you can understand them, the more you can learn how to provide the sensitive and responsive care that they need to thrive.

3 Key Traits of Highly Sensitive Children

Some of the more prominent traits of a highly sensitive child include the following:

Highly sensitive children are more sensitive to the world around them

Highly sensitive children experience their emotions in extremes. This is because they feel much more deeply than most. They are often compared to orchids: high-maintenance plants that react to the smallest changes in environment. They are more vulnerable to changes in their environment and may seem to react irrationally as a result.

In addition to their extreme emotions, they are also sensitive to the environment they are in, and their brains never seem to shut down. They are known as processors as they tend to focus on and analyze even minute details. While this makes them extremely insightful and empathetic, because they seem to lack an internal filter, they are also more easily overwhelmed, absorbing more than they can handle.

They also tend to be more self-aware and perceptive than most. They question things others might take for granted and can articulate their motivations for things they did or said even better than some adults. They can understand their own struggles. They also tend to have great insight into how others feel and can pick up on subtle changes in tone.

Highly sensitive children have big reactions to the world around them

Your highly sensitive child will have bigger reactions than most to sensory input, even to seemingly small things. They are more sensitive to sensory input and experience sights, sounds, textures, and smells more intensely. They may avoid things like foods with particular smells, flavors, or textures, certain kinds of clothing, public restrooms with noisy hand dryers, or get upset when something doesn’t look like they expect.

A highly sensitive child is more prone to meltdowns because they are more quickly triggered to experience stress. When they feel overwhelmed by the constant onslaught of sensations that they can’t manage effectively, it can result in intense emotional reactions.

A highly sensitive child will be more apprehensive about new people or places. Their minds turn over all the details in a new situation, whether it’s a new classroom, activity, birthday party, or family gathering. They will try to anticipate what they might expect, wondering what might happen and whether they will be liked, feel safe, or be good at the activity.

Their deep thinking and constant analysis are an attempt to prepare for the unknown. While this makes them come across as bright and insightful, it can also be overwhelming for them. This results in the child resisting new things and clinging to what is familiar and comfortable. They may struggle separating from their parents or adapting to being left alone at school or sports.

A highly sensitive child also tends to get frustrated more easily. While everyone experiences a certain amount of natural discomfort when confronting something new or challenging, a highly sensitive child will find it intolerable. Because they experience more distress in those situations, they may give up more easily when they experience a challenging task.

They also tend to be preoccupied with how others see them, even if parents or other adults say complimentary things about them. They are so sensitive to feeling scrutinized or assessed that they even feel uncomfortable receiving praise, as they perceive the pressure of being evaluated.

They may also be inclined to misinterpret others’ actions, taking what others say and do more personally than it was intended. It may seem like a highly sensitive child filters their experiences through a victim mindset. This can make navigating relationships with siblings and peers more challenging.

Highly Sensitive Children try to control the world around them

Because of their sensitivity to their environment, a highly sensitive child will live in a state of high alert and will feel a greater need for control in those situations where they feel uncomfortable. They will try to prepare for and protect themselves from the next big emotion, event, or experience that could be overwhelming.

They will attempt to gain control of a situation by being rigid and inflexible about details like where to sit and which plate to use. The more out of control they feel on the inside, the more controlling they may be on the outside. Even their constant analysis of event details is part of this desire to feel in control of their world and what to expect in any situation.

A highly sensitive child is more likely to struggle with perfectionism because when they can’t complete a task in the way their brain is telling them it should be, they feel a loss of control. They are triggered to feel shame, and this results in them quickly feeling like a failure. They experience failure as a personal failing they are judged for, instead of as part of the learning process.

Perfectionism and difficulty losing go hand in hand. This makes competitive activities especially stressful for the highly sensitive child. A highly sensitive child is more likely to try to manipulate the game in their favor so that they can win to protect themselves from the shame of losing. Alternatively, they may get angry and quit if the result isn’t going their way.

This also means that a highly sensitive child will have a hard time accepting correction. Even seemingly harmless directions can be perceived as personal judgments instead of helpful guidance.

Any perceived shame they experience can trigger reactions like laughing, looking away, anger, or even running away. Evasive responses are all coping mechanisms to provide protection and relief from the flood of difficult emotions.

How to Care for Your Highly Sensitive Child

A child with a sensitive temperament can’t outgrow who they are. They can learn how to manage their emotions and cope with the more challenging aspects of their sensitivity. A big part of helping them is managing your expectations and approaching their meltdowns with patience and compassion.

When your sensitive child reacts to something, don’t take things they say and do personally. The fact that they are lashing out is a sign that they are struggling to cope with something. Don’t minimize their emotions. Instead, try to remain calm and not be reactive yourself. Stay present while providing space for your child to feel what they’re feeling.

Don’t try to problem-solve in the middle of the meltdown, but rather wait until they are calm before offering help. If they permit you to share some ideas that you have of ways to handle a situation, they will feel more in control and be more receptive to what you have to say. Sharing your thoughts, guidance, and personal experiences in this manner can help them better understand and adapt to the world around them.

Not all highly sensitive children will have all of these traits, and many who aren’t highly sensitive may struggle to some degree with some of these. But because of their sensitivity, these children may be more likely to struggle with anxiety or mental health challenges. If this sensitivity is affecting their ability to function well at home or at school, or interfering with their relationships, they can benefit from professional help such as Christian counseling.

Connect with a counselor near you or through this website to learn more about working with myself.

Photo:
“Crying Boy”, Courtesy of Vika Glitter, Pexels.com, CC0 License

Viewing Family Counseling as Rhythm Rather Than Rehab

/in , ,

Depending on how you grew up, it’s easy to see family counseling as a quick fix, a solution to a series of problems, or even a shameful experience. However, what if you could view it as a rhythm instead of a rehab project?

Unpacking Your View of Family Counseling

If you look at your perspective as a suitcase, you can compare it to when you arrive home after traveling. The way you unpack usually relates to a few factors:

  • Your time
  • Your values
  • Your priorities
  • Your awareness

Your Time

Spending fifteen minutes unpacking your bag is what a frequent traveler does. You probably packed your bag for home strategically; you washed laundry before leaving, or you packed dirty clothes in a separate bag. Your toiletries are neatly organized, as are your books, laptop, etc.

Someone who doesn’t travel much may just throw everything into the same bag. When they get home, they have to sort it, figure out what’s dirty and what’s clean, and walk from one room to the next to put things away. It can be a process that takes longer.

The same can be said of a person who grew up with strong time factors in their family of origin. If time were viewed as a commodity in your household, you might have been in a rush to get to school, carrying a full calendar of responsibilities and involvements. Your parents may have both worked, or perhaps you were raised in a single-parent household where time was tight.

When you grow up with a tight timeline, one of the impacts can be a lack of investment in emotional and mental margin.

Your family may have focused on basics such as everyday needs, jobs, food, and household chores. You might have, knowingly or unknowingly, been coached to not pay as much attention to your internal world. If something negative popped up, it could easily be swept aside for the more pragmatic demands on your time.

If your household and family spent time investing in emotional and mental wellness, it might be that your parents went to counseling, took time to exercise, read, or set aside time in the calendar to include refreshment and retreats. While it will look different in all families, this tendency to separate downtime is important when it comes to how you view family counseling. It might mean you see it as a value.

Your Values

Your values can impact how you unpack after a trip. If you value jumping back into the routine, unpacking may be first on your list. You want to get back to daily business, which is easier if everything is in its place.

But if you struggle with routine and you naturally value adventure and experiences more, the act of unpacking is embedded with a host of emotions and, possibly, even a hesitance to rejoin regular life. You could be avoiding the old to-do list, ready to plan the next vacation, or struggling with resentment about something you’d rather not return to now that you’re back from your trip.

The same is true of our values. What we value directly influences how we spend our time, and how we spend our time reflects what we value.

Just because you haven’t put an appointment on the calendar to see a counselor doesn’t mean you don’t value family counseling. When it comes to mental wellness for the entire family, there could be a host of different obstacles.

It might be that you, a concerned parent, value counseling that keeps the family communicating well. But maybe your spouse isn’t on the same page or one of your children doesn’t see the need for it.

To cling to something as a value, it has to carry purpose and meaning for the value holder.

Speaking about a set of business values, a lack of meaning is like the smoke that signals there’s a fire, according to author Patrick M. Lencioni, who wrote “Make Your Values Mean Something” in a July 2002 Harvard Business Review article. He wrote about corporate value statements often being hollow precisely because they do not carry weight with those who work at the company, which he says is a shame.

But they don’t have to be void of significance.

“Values can set a company apart from the competition by clarifying its identity and serving as a rallying point for employees. But coming up with strong values – and sticking to them – requires real guts,” he writes.

When you apply this clarification to a family unit, it’s similar; just because one family member places significance on family counseling, it does not mean everyone else will. Instead, finding common values that hit the core of each family member is the way forward.

For example, if every person in your family places importance on physical activity and health, it will show in each person’s time management. Does your spouse knock off work early on Fridays to play half a round of golf? Will your daughter eat just about any vegetable you put in front of her so that she finishes dinner quickly and gets to gymnastics early to perfect her routine?

Compile those priorities with your commitment to meet your friend to walk each week and your son’s commitment to head to the gym each morning, and you have a true core value. A core value is something that is intrinsically held dear; nobody has to convince you to do it because it’s a concern, activity, or belief that you are convinced of already.

So, how do you transform a family that doesn’t wholeheartedly embrace family counseling as a value?

Start by exploring what each person values

A famous quote and parenting meme, originally coined by Catherine M. Wallace, says, “If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”

This is great advice when you are trying to decipher what your kids value. Ask them why something matters to them and then listen.

Look at how you and your spouse spend your time

Often, our values go unspoken. We place value on activities, relationships, and material goods without even realizing it until we look at where our time goes. If you spend two hours cooking a gourmet meal each weekend but doing laundry always seems avoidable, it shows that you likely value a home-cooked meal more than freshly folded clothes.

The same holds true for your spouse. Ask him why he does what he does or spends his time the way he spends it. It’s a great way to learn something new about your partner.

Ask yourself what you really want out of life

Go beyond the bucket list. Instead of writing down ten things you want to try before you die, ask yourself what you’d regret not spending your time on if you knew you had mere months left to live.

This kind of black-and-white question has a way of trimming the superfluous pursuits in life and making what matters stand out.

After all of this, you might feel it’s over the top just to get to family counseling.

However, if you and your spouse and/or kids attend family counseling with only your buy-in, it may not go as far as you think it will. But if you can tie it to one of the values you each already hold in life, you’re starting from a good place.

For example, if you discover that everyone in our family values a household that is calm and harmonious, where everyone is free to be who they truly are, that’s a great reason to make family counseling a rhythm. Talking about issues before they become major obstacles is a wonderful way to keep small conflicts from becoming big ones.

Your Priorities

Once you’ve figured out how your family values relate to family counseling, it’s time to look at the family priorities. Priorities are different from values; they are what get pushed to the proverbial front of the line.

If your teenage son says he values his independence, but he has yet to study or take his learner’s permit test, it just means his priorities do not hold the same weight as his values. He may value independence, but until he makes learning how to drive a priority, his freedom will suffer, and his value will go unpracticed.

Your Awareness

Finally, pay attention to what you pay attention to. In other words, awareness is a large contributor to family counseling. The good news is that our awareness, like our time, values, and priorities, can be shaped and transformed over time.

Family counseling gives you the perspective to help you become more aware of how you feel and how your family members are doing. This breeds more awareness and creates a rhythm so that family counseling isn’t a Band-Aid to fix a problem. It’s a way of life that helps your family interact better together.

To find a place where your family can grow in family counseling, contact our office today.

Photos:
“Injury”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Counseling Session”, Courtesy of Hrant Khachatryan, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Overwhelmed”, Courtesy of Nik Shuliahin, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Teen Trouble in the Group Chat

/in , , , ,

It started as a “harmless” joke. One message, barely a sentence long, was tossed into the group chat like it was no big deal. However, in the world of teenagers, one simple, benign statement can quickly escalate into something much bigger. Tone gets lost, and screenshots get passed around and last forever. And soon, you have teen trouble in the form of a crying or angry teenager on your hands.

The problem with teen trouble and drama (or really every age group) is that it comes out of nowhere. At first, everyone “lol’d” or whatever form of cyber chuckling is popular this week. There were a few laugh-cry emojis too, which are basically the same thing. Then came the snarky replies, a few hurtful memes, and someone added a GIF of a dramatic eyeroll. That’s when things shifted.

Suddenly, the vibe went from lighthearted to tense. What began as a joke became fuel for a blaze of emotions. Teens often don’t realize just how quickly group chats can spiral, especially when there’s no adult in sight, no tone of voice to clarify the intent, and no one brave enough to stand up and say, “Hey, this isn’t cool!”

Maybe the sling of criticism from their peers is deliberate and malicious. Perhaps the attackers are bold because they hide behind a screen in the safety of their own private space.

And here’s where teen trouble takes root: in the quiet confidence and anonymity where bullies thrive, in the silence of the bystanders, and in the groupthink that pushes things just a bit too far. Real feelings are bruised by digital words.

Group chats are a tool of the enemy?

Group chats can be great. They’re a lifeline for social connection, humorous reels, and even emotional support. But without boundaries, they can also become the breeding ground for passive aggression, bullying, and emotional isolation. What feels like innocent “texting” to one person may feel like public humiliation to another. And that bully who isn’t all that brave? Well, they suddenly have a platform.

The truth is, teens are still figuring out how to handle conflict, how to detect nuance, and how to speak up when something feels off. They are trying to learn how to control their impulses and reel in their reactionary behaviors and need for acceptance. In the group chat platform, that learning curve can be downright brutal; mistakes get magnified, screenshots get shared, and feelings get hurt in places that don’t always heal quickly.

Teen trouble: What can be done?

Start by talking about it seriously, not just lecturing or panicking when drama surfaces. Create a space where teens can process what’s happening with the loving support of the adults in their lives. Help teens recognize the red flags – when teasing stops being playful, when sarcasm becomes a weapon, or when someone stops replying entirely. Encourage empathy and remind them that behind every screen is a real person, with a real heart.

What if the damage has already been done?

If your child has been the victim of cyberbullying or even the unfortunate subject of a “tease” gone too far, there is hope. Faith in God is a powerful anchor. Remind teens, and yourself, that even when they feel misunderstood, less-than, and overwhelmed, God sees them. He knows their hurt and hears their cries, and He promises to be near the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).

Encourage your teen to pray, journal, and read their Bible to help anchor themselves in the one who will never betray them or send a snarky meme. And hug them tight, reminding them that they are loved.

Therapy can also make a massive difference. Words spoken into their hearts can have a big effect. Many of those words from peers can be damaging, but a professional therapist can help to uproot those seeds of pain and help your child learn to deal with the scars left by hurtful words, and they can plant healthy, positive words into their hearts.

Educate teens to prevent cyberbullying

While it might seem like “just words on a screen” to a teenager trying to find acceptance in their group of peers, those words can cut deep. Remind your teens that their worth is not found in group chats, reactions, or even in the silent pauses of “ghosting,” but in something much greater and unshakable.

Teach them to ask themselves some important questions before they hit the send button. “Would I say this to their face?” “Is this kind?” and “Could this be misunderstood?” are all questions that might induce pause and realization and might protect the realization and the hurting teen.

Teen drama isn’t confined to the classroom or the Friday night game anymore. Sometimes it’s happening right there in their pocket, in real time. And the arguments and barbs that are sending your child into a reeling spiral of self-loathing and anger may be silent to your ear, but echo loudly in their hearts.

If your teen has been a victim of cyberbullying, help them find healing. Connect them with a professional Christian counselor in Huntington Beach, California who can help them handle the complexities of being a teen in the digital age. Contact us today at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to learn more.

Photo:
“Group Chat”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

11 Creative Ways to Teach Kids Bible Verses About Worry

/in , , , ,

Teaching kids Bible verses about worry should be a meaningful, bonding, and fun time for the child and everyone involved, too. In those moments when children feel nervous or scared, creative activities help make learning calming Scripture easier and more enjoyable.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. – 1 Peter 5:7 NIV

The way a child first experiences the Bible will shape how they feel about it for years to come. If they see it as a book full of comfort and wisdom, they will turn to it when they need guidance. But if learning scripture feels dull or difficult, they may see it as something unhelpful. Making Bible learning fun and interactive helps children build a strong connection with God’s Word, especially when they get scared.

Common Misconceptions Kids Have About the Bible

  • Some children believe the Bible is just a list of rules or old stories that don’t relate to their lives.
  • They might believe it’s too difficult to understand or is only for adults.
  • Some kids may think that the Bible is boring or that it doesn’t help with their everyday problems.

If we can find ways to demonstrate to kids from the earliest age how scripture can bring joy, peace, and comfort in their daily lives, we help them see its true value.

Everyday Situations When Kids Need Verses About Worry

Children deal with worries every single day. They might feel nervous about a big test, making new friends, or speaking in front of a group. Changes like moving to a new home or welcoming a new sibling can also make them anxious or sad. Even small things, like a sleepover or trying a new activity, may cause stress.

Bible verses about worry remind them that God is always with them, bringing comfort and reassurance as they find comfort and reassurance in God’s word during these moments of uncertainty.

Fun and Creative Ways to Teach Kids Verses About Worry

Worry crafts Let kids create worry jars or boxes. They write down things that worry them on slips of paper and place them in the jar or box.

They can also add pieces of paper with verses about worry, such as “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6.34, ESV) Every time they add a worry, they can also add a verse from the Bible. The idea is that God will carry their worries for them.

Catchy verse songs Turn verses about worry into simple, catchy songs. Music helps kids remember verses and makes learning enjoyable. Sing together and discuss the meaning of the verses.

Playful role-playing Use role-playing to act out scenarios where kids feel scared or worried. Include some verses about worry, showing how they apply them in real-life situations.

Storytime with scripture Read Bible stories that show how people in the Bible handled worry, like Jesus calming the storm in Matthew 8 vs 23-27, and talk about how trust in God brings peace.

Play verse interactive games Create games like word searches, matching cards, or puzzles using verses about worry. This interactive approach keeps a kid engaged and remembering the verses better.

Make prayer chains Kids write their worries on paper strips and link them into a chain. As they add each link, they recite a verse about worry and pray over their concerns, like.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4.6, ESV

Write verse journals Teach your kids to keep a worry journal where they write down their fears with a Bible verse next to each one. A great verse for this is.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41.10, ESV

A Bible verse scavenger hunt Hide cards with verses about worry all around the house or classroom. As kids find them, let them talk about what they think the verses mean.

Memory verse challenges Turn learning verses into a game by creating memory challenges. For example, write each word of a verse on separate cards and mix them up. Kids race to put them in the correct order.

Create interactive verse walls Have a verse wall where kids always pin up their favorite Bible verses about worry and share what they mean to them, such as Proverbs 12:25 — “Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.”

Helping Kids Grow in Faith and Confidence

As parents and teachers, we play a great role in shaping a child’s faith and emotional well-being. It helps to take advantage of creative activities so that kids not only learn Bible verses about worry but also understand how to apply them every day.

If you have or work with young children and are noticing any signs of excessive worry or anxiety, think about getting extra professional guidance. A child therapist in Huntington Beach, California can provide more insight and additional help.

Start by calling us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to connect with a Christian counselor today.

Photo:
“Wildflowers”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

All in the Family: Encouraging Children with Different Birth Order to Get Along

/in , , , ,

You may have heard of how birth order can influence a child’s personality and behavior. For example, the firstborn child may be more responsible, dependable, and organized compared to their siblings. The youngest child is more coddled, less disciplined, and takes risks. Middle children have a reputation for feeling left out and becoming sensitive to rejection, but tend to be people-pleasers and sociable.

Getting Different Birth Order Children to Get Along

How do you help your children get along with so many possible personality clashes from birth order? There are several things you can do to ease the tension in a household with two or more siblings.

Don’t compare

Resist the urge to compare one child’s behavior to their sibling’s behavior. It is easy to slip and say, “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?” Comparison only leads to negative feelings between siblings. Each child is unique in how they process information, express emotions, and behave. Instead of comparing, guide your child by leading with their strengths.

Spend quality time with each child

No matter where they are in the birth order, children crave attention and affection from their parents. They need someone who loves them to listen to and enjoy their interests. Spending quality time with each child separately makes each one feel special and strengthens the bond between parent and child.

Whether you go on an adventure together, play a game, or watch a movie curled up on the couch, you’re not only spending time with your child, but you are also creating memories. Each child needs a bond with their parent that is unique to them. Schedule play dates and other outings with each child. Some parents refer to this as a date or make it into their own special holiday (example: Mary’s Day or date night with John).

Teach children to actively listen to each other

Children in families tend to either ignore or fight their siblings. They don’t take the time to understand the other’s point of view. Part of this could be personality-based or the fact that they share the same household and must vie for the parents’ attention.

Teach your children to use their words to express their feelings to each other. Teach them how to resolve conflicts and manage anger without hurting someone.

As children grow, hormones and mental conditions can cause mood swings, irritability, and impulsiveness. Consult with a family counselor to learn the best way to teach your children communication skills.

Don’t put all your trust into birth order traits

Birth order traits are common personality traits and behaviors associated with the position of a child in the family. It does not mean that your child will fall into a specific category and be “wrong” if their personality traits overlap.

For example, perhaps your youngest child has more personality traits similar to an oldest child rather than being limited to one category. Don’t limit their abilities to a birth order chart or stereotypes.

Christian Family Counseling in Huntington Beach

If your home feels more like a war zone when the kids are out of school, family counseling might be the answer. The family is an essential unit for raising productive, loving, emotionally resilient, and stable young adults. Let us help you with Christian family counseling in Huntington Beach, California.

When you connect with us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling, we match you with a Christian counselor in Huntington Beach who specializes in family issues, conflict resolution, and anger management. Counseling goes beyond birth order traits and combines evidence-based methods and Christian principles.

Connect with us today to get started.

Photo:
“Sun Setting Behind Dock”, Courtesy of Marc Serota, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

The Struggle of Parenting Teenagers: Part Two

/in , , ,

The struggle of parenting teenagers is real; am I right?

It’s the age where independence and peer focus skyrocket to a whole new level. It’s the age where parents’ fears resurface from the beginning of their lives: “Who will they turn out to be?” “Will life go well for them?” “Will they be successful?”

These are just a few of the questions asked by parents across the world. As teenagers mature into adulthood, parents are faced with the final years of pouring themselves into their kids. Along with that come new challenges, new struggles, and unknowns no one could have predicted.

In part one of this two-part series, “The Struggle of Parenting Teenagers,” we took a look at common struggles teenagers deal with while they try out new behaviors, understand in new ways, and feel new levels of emotions. In part one, we also dove deeper into the common responses parents give to their teenagers in the face of these struggles and highlighted the potential shortcomings of these responses.

Here in part two of this series, we will develop a set of alternative responses when things get hard with teenagers. Whether the first response goes well for you or not, these responses deserve some thought as you navigate your teenager’s developing years.

There is no perfect formula. No, one-size-fits-all approach that will get you the perfect teenager and the “perfect parent” award. Instead, the list below is meant to serve as more in your arsenal of thought and behavior toward your teenager as you guide them through these next formative years of their lives.

Alternative Responses in Parenting Teenagers

In place of or in addition to any of the responses detailed in part one, here are some responses for parents to consider when facing difficult teenage behavior.

Give time

Giving teenagers your time can be an impactful response (whether appreciated at first or not) to a teenager who is engaging in problematic behavior.

This response looks like selecting an amount of time according to the type of behavior (maybe starting with a week, or trying it for a month), and engaging in intentional time with your teenager each day or instead of alternative activities (e.g., in place of going to practice, the teenager stays home with the parent and plays games, finishes house projects, completes Bible studies, exercise, etc.).

Engage with the church

In the Body of Christ, there are people of faith, old and mature enough to pour their energy, experience, and love into youth. During times when you, as the parent, cannot be with the teenager, and during even times when you can, consider setting up time for your child to spend time with other people of faith. This allows the teenager to spend time with and talk to someone who is not a parent, but who shares similar values to you.

Be the leader

As a leader in the home, taking the initiative to model the desired behavior of the teenager goes a long way. This includes refraining from electronic use while in their presence, engaging in church and/or community activities, etc.

If you feel like you’re already doing all of this, you’re off to a great start. Consider how you can come along with your teenager during this time and engage with them while they are participating in positive activities.

Have heart-to-hearts

Your teenager may be the strong, silent type. Try utilizing different locations, environments, and activities to open them up. Consistency works wonders in training them up to expect you will be talking with them, and that they will be expected to talk with you.

Activities can look as simple as Q&A prompts or magazine quizzes. Take things up a notch by shooting some hoops or going to miniature golf. Don’t be afraid of going to grab some ice cream and walking on the beach.

Engage in a service/community mindset

Teenagers are capable of serving major roles in the family and community. Their impact can be as large as the functioning of the family home, or stretch into the external workings of the city they live in.

If the teenager doesn’t play an active role in the home, now is a great time to establish one or more. These roles can include spending time with siblings, helping out around the house, serving the grandparents, volunteer work, community service, etc.

Where to look for help

Parents and teenagers need lots of support. There are new things to face and new expectations to live by for everyone. The struggle of parenting teenagers (as well as being a teenager) is even more difficult without a community or proper sources to lean on.

Everyone has opinions, so when it comes to taking advice, it is important to vet it.

The Bible

The Bible is a source of wisdom and truths that are unchanging and full of promise. When looking to the Bible for counsel, be careful to study the heart of God in the matter-not just taking a verse and blanketing it over your situation based on your own understanding. Using the Bible as a source of counsel comes by studying the word, the context of each word, and gaining an understanding of who God is and His instructions for us, His followers.

If your teenager is not a follower of Christ and doesn’t recognize the Bible’s authority over them, it is important to take counsel from the Bible for your actions as a parent, as well as how to address unbelievers. This is in addition to how God wants your teenager to be counseled by His Word to become a believer and gain assurance of their salvation.

Don’t assume the Bible will have meaning in your teenager’s life before a) you work on your own life, and b) your teenager has been saved.

People

People are an essential part of our lives. We need people to help us function and thrive. God Himself tells us through the Bible how our influences not only matter, but also how the Church is a critical part of our spiritual growth and faith journeys.

Understandably, it can be difficult to establish relationships with good, faith-filled people. Time, effort, grace, and forgiveness are necessary components of keeping and growing healthy relationships; most of those are in short supply because of one thing or another.

How, then, does one go about choosing people to speak into and influence our lives and the lives of our teenagers? The first step is to pray. Pray for the wisdom of both you and the people you are choosing. Pray for the strength to stand up for what is right. Pray for a filling of time, effort, grace, and forgiveness in all parties involved.

The next step is to reach out. If you are already involved in some sort of church group or have family that hold strong Christian values, you’ve got a ready-made pool of people to invite to pray with you, spend time with you, counsel you, and spend time with or counsel your teenager.

If you do not already have a built-in group to select from, then getting involved in one can take time you don’t feel like you have. The beauty of God being outside of time is that He has already gone before you in this and is not anxious for things to move at a specific speed. So, it’s time to get serious about getting involved with your local church.

In the meantime, while you are working on growing relationships and testing those waters for your family, try connecting with the resources of trusted theologians. These resources can include sermons, commentaries, web articles, books, podcasts, etc.

When evaluating your options for who to get closer with and connect your teenager with, consider exploring the book of Titus. In just three chapters, the book of Titus lays out guidelines for leaders. From how they are to be behaving in life, to what their family’s behavior looks like, to what they teach.

Church Family

While a church family is included in the people who can support you during the parenting years, a church family serves as a greater source of encouragement. Involving yourself in church is an important part of living as a Christian and shepherding your family in Godly ways.

This is more than just serving in a ministry and going on Sundays. Involving yourself in church to the level of church becoming a family means being sharpened, sharpening others, discipling others, being discipled, using your gifts, being poured into, and pouring out into others.

Most of the New Testament letters to the churches outline God’s design for you and your family to be a part of His Body. They are there for you to study and guide you through every struggle you can face in the church.

Family

Family is an important part of every teenager’s life. Whatever state your family is in, start there.

Strengthening relationships is the next step. This includes your teenager as well as interactions between your teenager and other members of your family. This is done by taking time to invest by listening, enjoying each other’s company, engaging in new or liked activities by each party (it doesn’t have to be liked by both/all parties), and/or working on chores/household/service projects.

Role models are another important area to evaluate when parenting. You are a role model to your teenager; which other adults are as well? Are you being protective and supportive in teaching your teenager how to discern between positive and negative role models?

Lastly, your teenager is a role model for others who are younger (in addition to the influence they have over their peers). Have you done the work to pour into your teenager the teaching necessary for developing a value system and way of behaving that properly encourages them for such a role?

How do you know if you need a therapist for parenting teenagers?

When you don’t know where to start addressing the struggle of parenting teenagers, your first thought can be to contact an expert and get counsel. Reaching out to a Christian therapist can be an appropriate first step for you to have space and counsel to work on your struggles.

If you are not yet connected to a church or have limited access to support, then a Christian counselor can be a support while you develop those relationships.

If there are few or no trusted adults to support your teenager, then a Christian counselor can be a support while you seek out and develop relationships. Do not discount your own relationship with your teenager in this equation. Developing a trusted relationship can take some time, and the teenager’s willingness will be a factor.

Maybe you need help mediating between you and your spouse about parenting teenagers. A Christian counselor would be appropriate help for the two of you in addressing the struggle of parenting teens together. If you see yourself as disconnected from your teen, a Christian therapist can help you reconnect with your child.

Wherever you are on the journey, if you need support, we have therapists available to talk this week. Check us out at https://cachristiancounseling.com/

Photos:
“Mother and Son”, Courtesy of picturism, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Handshake”, courtesy of jackmac34, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Sitting on a Park Bench”, Courtesy of Surprising_Media, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Family on the Beach”, Courtesy of chillla70, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

The Struggle of Parenting Teenagers: Part One

/in , , ,

The struggle of parenting teenagers isn’t something new. It’s the age when children start to practice being adults. Their minds develop in ways that enable them to start seeing the world in a different and critical light. Parents and other adults can experience teenagers as engaging, productive, and fun, or, on the other hand, as disrespectful, stubborn, and troubled.

The Stress of Parenting Teenagers

Everyone has their good and bad days, but what happens when the worry starts to creep in for parents? That worry says, “The bad days outnumber the good.” The struggle intensifies, and a growing fear of what is to come takes over.

Do any of these sound familiar?

  • “Is this normal behavior?”
  • “Does this mean they are _____?!”
  • “How do I get the lying to stop?”
  • “I just don’t know how to talk with my teenager.”
  • “All they do is argue with me.”
  • “My teenager just needs more self-confidence.”

If so, you are not alone. Teenagers can experience depression, body shame, low self-confidence, new levels of stress, and access to substances. These issues, along with developing brains, can lead to communication struggles and difficulties regulating emotions.

This article is part one of two articles that develop an understanding of the struggles parents face when deciding how to parent through teenage years. This article will attempt to expand your perspective on common issues teenagers face and common responses parents have to those issues. Part two will dive into alternative responses, where to look for help, and when to seek a therapist.

Common Issues Face by Teenagers and Their Families

Self Esteem

Teenagers develop a new level of ability to see others, compare with others, and are trying to work out what is good/right and bad/wrong for themselves with new reasoning capabilities. This can lead a teenager to lose or decline in self-esteem, whether internally done (comparing themselves with others they see) or externally influenced (when others make negative comparisons of them).

Communication Breakdowns

Communication breaks down in a family when teenagers struggle to express themselves. It also temporarily becomes more difficult for teenagers to process and relay information as their brains are distracted by new developments. Receiving correction is also not processed in the same way, as the teenager can try out reasoning skills and work through their newfound independence and desires.

Lying

Because teenagers are prone to compare themselves to others, are working on their own sense of right and wrong, and thinking in new ways, they can be prone to lying or communication that leaves out details. Lying or leaving out information can quickly become a habit that frustrates the entire family and creates a lack of proper communication across circle groups (i.e., family, friends, school, sports, etc.).

Fighting

Teenagers have developing reasoning skills. While practicing the art of reason, it has the potential to become a fight. These fights can range from simple rebuttals to full-blown screaming as teenagers get wrapped up in their own understanding, and parents are at a loss for how to respond and maintain authority.

Isolation

Teenagers are finding their way, developing rapidly, and often taking on increased responsibility, so they need more downtime, and they crave social connection. These needs and cravings create a propensity to isolate from family and spend less time in or around the home.

Self-Harm

Self-harming behavior is alarming to families, and at times, shameful as well. Any level of self-harming behavior can be difficult for families to manage and address. Any such behavior also has the potential to create new questions for the family and decrease trust in the teenager.

  • Physical Physical self-harming behaviors include actions such as abstaining from eating, purging after eating, over-eating, cutting, burning, slapping/punching/hitting. Teenagers may engage in these behaviors for several reasons, such as low self-esteem or to escape various types of stress.
  • Sexual Teenagers may engage in reckless, rough, or other inappropriate sexual behavior (i.e., sharing themselves via pornographic avenues). Again, teenagers who engage in these self-harming behaviors do so for a number of reasons.
  • Substances Substances can be drugs or alcohol of any amount. Teenagers may reason that there is no harm being done when using these substances. However, many studies have shown harm from the use of any controlled substance, tobacco or otherwise, on the developing and developed brains of individuals. Just because there is no perceived harm does not mean it is not there.

How much substance use is recognized as a problem can range from any use to abundant use. People often claim that there is no problem with using substances unless there is a frequent negative impact on the person’s life. No matter when or if the substance becomes a problem to the teenager or their parents, the motivation for using the substance is something important to be addressed.

Any of these issues, or any additional not-so-common issues that you and your teenager face, can present a level of difficulty that surpasses what parents and teens see as their capacity to deal with on their own. In other words, it’s normal to face new challenges that you and your teenager will need help with.

The parent response can vary from incident to incident and parent to parent. Below are a few common responses from parents.

Common Responses When Parenting Teenagers

This is not an exhaustive list by any means. This list includes reactions that parents have when facing any issue with their teenager’s behavior post-reprimanding, such as yelling and/or silence.

Take away privileges Whether it be a response to try and restrict access to the troubled behavior or an attempt to simply decrease freedom, taking away privileges is typically a common first approach. While this can seem like it works, it often doesn’t fix the behavior and yields only temporary results-if any.

Some teenagers are extremely reactive toward their privileges (such as electronics) being taken away, and others couldn’t care less. Either reaction can lead parents to wonder how to encourage their teenager to behave better.

Send them to church This is not every parent’s approach, but it becomes a part of many Christian homes where parents make it a rule to attend church. Parents who have teenagers who are engaging in difficult behavior will demand that their children continue joining them at church, or send them to church by themselves.

The difficulty of this approach comes when parents believe that the church will “fix” the teenager. Many times, it does not fix the behavior and can drive a wedge between the teenager and the church.

Send them to an expert Similar to sending the teenager to church, outsourcing the problem to an expert is thought by parents to be the “fix.” Sending your teenager to an expert will only have the opportunity to yield positive results if the teenager is open to admitting they have a problem, desires to work with the expert, and can access the tools and implement them.

Let them be This may sound like an odd one to add to a list of common responses of parents of teenagers caught in problematic behavior, but it is an important one to highlight. Letting the teenager “be” can come as a first response or after a different response wears off. For example, some parents may restrict freedoms for a week after an incident, and then simply allow the freedoms to be restored (sometimes prematurely) without any other intervention.

As a first response, parents can reason that they don’t have much insight to help the problem, the teenager will eventually self-correct, or that the problematic behavior isn’t “that bad.”

Help Parenting Teenagers

Any of these reactions are appropriate and/or fitting at times. The above reactions may be all a parent needs to see their teenager turn around in their behavior and straighten their ways.

What happens when the struggle of parenting teenagers seems like it’s too much, when the parent’s reaction doesn’t seem to evoke any level of change from the teenager?

It is common for parents to have at least one encounter of feeling lost and not knowing what to do with their teenager’s behavior. In part two of “The Struggle of Parenting Teenagers,” we will explore alternative responses to the ones found above, where to find help, and how to tell if your teenager needs a therapist.

Want to talk with someone today? Contact our team at cachristiancounseling.com or call us at 619-877-2560.

Photos:
“Friends”, Courtesy of Eliott Reyna, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Church”, Courtesy of Kenny Eliason, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Phone and Laptop”, Courtesy of Rahul Chakroborty, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Parenting Tips for When You’re Feeling Overwhelmed

/in , , ,

Scripture says that “Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him,” (Psalm 127:3, NIV), and that can guide how to approach the children in your care. As gifts given by God, children deserve consideration, care, and wisdom to be raised well without exasperating them (Ephesians 6:1-4). Jesus’ attitude to children ought to inform how we welcome, acknowledge, and take joy in our children (Mark 10:13-14) even when we’re feeling overwhelmed.

All the above is true, and it should function as a north star for parents who want to raise their children in the Lord. These truths need to be remembered, and they are most easily forgotten in between school runs, doing laundry for the umpteenth time in a week, cleaning up messes, breaking up fights between siblings, dealing with tantrums and raging hormones, soothing and tending to wounds, and everything else that happens in most households. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling offers guidance and support for parents striving to raise their children with faith and grace amid life’s daily challenges.

It’s a beautiful, but overwhelming life

Being a parent is a beautiful and humbling experience. From the moment they are born or become part of your family, children bring joy, laughter, and a fresh perspective on life as you see things through their eyes. Nonetheless, the mom or dad life can also get overwhelming.

Parents and caregivers can get overwhelmed when they’re dealing with their children. This can happen for many reasons, including the fact that they may need to attend to work in addition to parenting. There are many demands on an adult’s life, and it can be hard balancing these with taking care of a child. This is especially true when they are young and need lots of attention, or if they have special needs and need consistent support.

Apart from the time demands on parents and caregivers, parenting can also get overwhelming due to a lack of resources and skills. If a child is dealing with depression, anxiety, an anger management disorder, or another mental health concern, a parent may not have the tools right away to understand what’s happening, and to know how best to support their child. During that early part of the learning curve, things can get overwhelming.

Additionally, parenting can get overwhelming if, as a parent, you have issues of your own that you need to work through. For instance, if a parent has anger issues, or they have abandonment issues, they may struggle with handling their child, though they love them dearly. It can be hard to stay calm under pressure or to help them with their emotions when one’s upbringing didn’t prepare them to recognize emotions and respond appropriately.

Hence, being a parent is both a wonderful and a remarkable gift, and also an intensive, heavy responsibility. It’s important to know how best to respond when you’re feeling overwhelmed, and the resources you can make use of to parent your child(ren) well.

Dealing with feeling overwhelmed

Being overwhelmed by parenting is more common than you’d imagine. Though it’s not entirely reliable, if you check out parenting groups and conversations online, you’ll find out quickly enough that you aren’t alone in the struggle. Knowing this can be a comfort. Some steps you can take in dealing with feeling overwhelmed in your parenting include:

Acknowledge what’s happening

It can be tempting to avoid, divert blame, or even get angry about what you’re feeling, without acknowledging it for what it is. When a parent feels overwhelmed, they can feel shame, guilt, self-blame, anger, and so on. Societal pressure to look like you have it together can conspire to make you deny what’s going on.

Ask for help

When you acknowledge what’s happening, and recognize that it’s okay if you struggle, that can open the way for you to ask for help. Whether you’re reaching out to your partner, trusted friends, neighbors, or your own parents for support, asking for help can provide you with the resources and capacity to cope.

Where possible, outsource or delegate responsibilities to others to lighten your load. You don’t love your child any less if you have help to handle certain aspects of life as a parent.

Make self-care a priority

Taking care of yourself is essential, whether that’s taking breaks to refresh yourself, carving out time for activities you enjoy, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly and eating well to boost your mood and energy, or learning to practice mindfulness so that you can be firmly in the present and relinquish worries.

Set realistic expectations

You won’t be able to do everything perfectly as a parent. Sometimes we can set an unattainable standard or one that’s not cognizant of present realities. We can also shape our identity around being a parent in ways that hinder our ability to struggle or seek help. That adds a burden that’s hard to bear.

Seek professional help

You can make use of parenting classes to help you nurture skills that will assist your parenting. Support groups for parents are available as spaces to share ideas and for parents to support one another. Additionally, a mental health professional can help you address specific concerns regarding your child, or if you’re working through your own issues that require processing and resolution.

Getting help

It’s okay to not have all the answers. Parenting is an exciting and sometimes bewildering journey. If it is getting to be too much or you feel overwhelmed, reach out to our offices today. A Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you work through any concerns or questions you may have about parenting your children well.

Photo:
“Potted Plants”, Courtesy of Virginia Marinova, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License