5 Simple Ways to Show Love to People with ADHD

There is a lot to learn about love languages in any relationship, and this is especially true for relationships involving people with ADHD. Neurodiverse people operate on a different spectrum from everyone else. The things that you think are trivial and take for granted are often bigger, more complex issues for those with ADHD.

The more you learn about their neurodevelopmental disorder, the more you will be able to love and support them practically. The smallest action could have the biggest impact, and there are five simple ways to show love to people with ADHD.

How to Show Love to People with ADHD

You may have heard about the love languages that are quality time, touch, gifts, words of affirmation, and acts of service. They are a useful guide to how best to love certain individuals, and apply well to most relationships. However, whether it is romantic, familial, or platonic love, those with ADHD often speak a slightly different love language than most other people.

ADHD is a disorder that affects a person’s brain development. This affects the way they think, communicate, and perceive the world. Everyone with ADHD has unique traits, but similarly, the ADHD community has many common struggles and experiences.

They might not be able to articulate much of their perspective, and many people are diagnosed later in life. Learning more about ADHD, and particularly how best to love those with ADHD, will help both you and them have a more harmonious connection. Here are five ways you can do that:

Be present with them as they work

When neurotypical people complete a task, no matter how trivial or important it is, they receive a small amount of dopamine each time, making them feel satisfied. People with ADHD do not get dopamine in this way at all, and even the smallest of tasks feels unbearably boring and draining for them to do.

Along with having a dopamine deficit, those with ADHD have time blindness, meaning they cannot accurately gauge how long an activity has taken or will take. A five-minute chore to them might feel as if it’s taking hours to perform. A practical and loving way to help them is to simply sit with them as they work, even if you are focusing on your own activity and not directly engaging with them.

This concept is called body doubling, and it’s effective for neurodiverse people in a couple of different ways. Firstly, many people with ADHD are delighted and comforted when you sit with them as they work because they enjoy your company, but also because it holds them accountable in a non-threatening way.

Secondly, they tend to struggle to lock in and focus, or they become hyperfocused, making even a simple activity feel intense and draining. When you sit with them, even silently, they can better balance their focus and see the task through to its conclusion. Besides all of this, they retain their autonomy by working on the activity themselves, not relying on you to do it for them.

Celebrate small achievements

The habits that you perform every day, such as showering, brushing your teeth, and responding to emails, might seem trivial to you, but they are often hurdles that those with ADHD struggle to overcome. Even the smallest of tasks requires more focus and energy than you might realize. They might be distracted from completing activities that feel unstimulating or become overly intense about what they are doing, even if the stakes are low.

Try commending them any time you see them completing a task. It might be making the bed in the morning, drinking water, or finishing their homework assignments. When you realize how difficult it is for them to be consistent with the small things, your praise will be sincere.

Even though they derived no dopamine from the chore, they will likely feel good about having their achievements recognized and celebrated. This is true no matter how small they seemed. You might get bonus points for having a brief dance party with them as part of the celebration!

Prioritize spontaneity

People with ADHD need routine and structure to be productive, but they thrive on creativity and spontaneous fun. When you notice that their mood is flatter than usual, or if they seem exhausted and despondent, try suggesting a break in routine with something random to perk them up.

If you’re fresh out of ideas or exhausted, ask them what they feel like doing in that moment. Even if it’s impractical, expensive, or does not appeal to you in the moment, try going along with their suggestion. At least, you will begin to understand how they get recharged, and that is valuable information for any loved one.

If you do not love spontaneity yourself, try to keep a few secret ideas stashed away to surprise them with. You could prepare a secret picnic basket and keep it ready for a surprise road trip, for example. Or you might buy tickets for a concert, and keep the secret until the last minute.

The point is that spontaneous surprises will mean the world to your ADHD loved one, even if it’s taken a lot of planning on your part. There is always a compromise to be made when you are speaking someone else’s love language.

Hear them out when they are excited about something

There will come a time, or perhaps there will be many times in a week, when your ADHD loved one will get excited about something that sounds completely ridiculous or implausible to you.

For example, they might talk about doing some outrageous home renovations, or suggest a holiday that is out of your budget and that would require months of planning. Instead of immediately shutting them down or dismissing what you feel is a silly idea, try hearing them out.

The average person with ADHD has had to face more rejection, resistance, and dismissals than most neurotypicals will face in their entire lives. Related to this, most of those with ADHD have rejection-sensitivity disorder, meaning that they often feel crippling shame and guilt related to things they perceive as rejection.

The simple act of hearing them out, particularly when they are excited or in a hyper-focused mood, will mean more to them than you could imagine. The mood will pass, and you can revisit any ideas and apply logic to them later. The loving thing to do is to validate them by simply paying attention when they fantasize about something, and not bursting their bubble.

Provide regular reminders about things they often forget about

Your ADHD loved ones will frequently forget things and often feel terrible about it afterward. Don’t take it personally when they remember something work-related but forget about your birthday, for example. They have likely put a lot of effort into trying to remember the work-related thing to the point of forgetting about everything else.

If they have irked you or upset you with their forgetfulness, try letting go of your frustration and instead practice reminding them about the important things. Their forgetfulness isn’t personal, and your efforts to remind them of things can mean a lot to your relationship.

Try to be direct about your reminders. You might think that they will catch the hint if you circle a date on a calendar, allowing them to make a mental note of it. This might work in the moment, but it’s almost a guarantee that the information will be lost before an hour is up.

Instead, say something like, “Do you remember what tomorrow is?” and give them time to think about it. This is not a test of their loyalty, but rather as a way of ensuring you are both on the same page regarding important dates and events.

No one gets it right all the time, and relationships can get messy and frustrating, even without neurodiversity. If you need some extra support in your relationship or just somewhere to offload your concerns, consider meeting with a counselor. You can chat with someone who is well-versed in ADHD struggles and hear from their perspective. Contact us if this is something you are interested in.