How to Find Healthy Female Friendships

The movies make finding female friendships look easy. Hollywood likes to feed us examples of thriving, healthy female friendships as if they’re a right and not a privilege. As if they’re easily gotten and easy to hold onto. The reality is that good, healthy friendships demand work, growth, and a lot of grace.

If you’re looking for a good gal pal but have only found relationships that don’t serve you well, keep reading. Let’s explore the ins and outs of making healthy female friendships that will last a lifetime.

You have to be a friend

Seems obvious, right? To have a friend, you have to be a friend. Unfortunately, putting those words into action isn’t always as easy as it might seem. We are broken people, full of frailties, selfish ambitions, and a myriad of social anomalies that make it hard to interact successfully with others.

We all have our own selfish motives, even if they don’t always present in obvious ways. You might look like a hero because you volunteer at an animal shelter, but maybe you just find comfort in furry friends. Maybe you give generously, but is your motive truly to help others, or is it get a reputation to be proud of?

Even salvation can have a selfish element to it. While ideally people would follow the Lord wholly because they love Him, some might actually follow Him to avoid eternal damnation. Just as some seek God out of fear rather than love, some seek friends out of a fear of being alone.

Female friendships can easily turn into self-serving pursuits rather than generous acts of service. You are likely to gravitate toward people who make you feel good or who serve a purpose in your life. While there’s nothing explicitly wrong with that, it can negatively impact friendships. Consider the following:

• Are you in a friendship because it advances your career or social status?
• Do you spend time with someone because they are generous with their money?
• Do you like being with a certain person because you know they see you as more intelligent, better looking, or wealthier than themselves, and this boosts your self-esteem?

If you want to find a long-lasting, positive female friendship, you can start by learning to be a friend. Not one that seeks constant validation or is using someone for status or financial gain, but a true friend who, as the Bible says, “A friend loves at all times…” (Proverbs 17:17, ESV)

This means loving in all times. Not just when they’re picking up the dinner tab. Not just when they help you haul your garbage to the dump. Not just when they advance your social status or write a nice letter of recommendation. All times.

To find a friend, you have to become a friend who loves, as the Bible says. In doing so, people will gravitate toward you and the Holy Spirit that dwells in you because they will see that you are different in the best way. They will see your generosity, kindness, and stability. They will see that you’re a friend worthy of making.

Make steady, measured progress

When you meet someone new, it can be exciting to jump into a friendship with both feet. And sometimes, it works out. But there are times when it doesn’t. Sometimes those quickly built friendships don’t have the solid foundation needed to not only serve you well, but to endure.

Friendships should be built, brick by brick. If you meet someone new, it’s okay to revel in their novelty, wonder at your instant connection, and uncover your compatibility. But it’s also wise to exercise a little caution. Use a little cautious optimism, if you will. Discover all that there is about this new friend, but keep your eyes open.

Be realistic about your expectations and observe them as you begin to interact. Maybe you will find that this new friend is everything you had hoped and prayed for. And that would be great. But maybe you will find that this person isn’t a great fit and you want to distance yourself. Keeping a balanced life as you are getting to know a new person makes pulling back easier, should it be necessary.

True and lasting relationships are usually built one moment of bonding and one inside joke at a time. It can’t be rushed if it is to be authentic, so take your time and enjoy the journey instead of rushing to best friend status.

Iron sharpens iron. Having a good friend doesn’t mean just having a faithful shopping partner or someone interested in your current drama. Friendships are meant to be spiritually mutually beneficial. Proverbs says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17, NIV)

What does that mean?

One of the primary goals of female friendships is to keep each other accountable, challenge each other, and inspire growth. When two iron blades are rubbed together, the friction removes dull edges and makes each sharper and stronger. Similarly, friends can challenge, encourage, and refine each other’s character and faith through honest, authentic, and sometimes difficult interactions.

Your friendships are meant to inspire mutual growth. This isn’t to say that you can’t be friendly with those who are not Christians or those who receive more than they can give. Those types of relationships are biblical, too.

Jesus ate with sinners (Matthew 9:10-11). He showed them love and drew them to Himself. He did not succumb to their sins or become influenced by them. He reached out to those who were considered outcasts and showed them inclusion rather than distance, and He ministered to them.

When it came to deep friendship, Jesus relied more heavily on those who walked with Him in ministry. True, deep friendships, the life-giving ones, are best reserved for those who share your faith and who will point you to God instead of pulling you away.

Acknowledge God in your female friendships

Because a true friend is someone who should help you grow in your faith, it is wise to ask God to direct and guide you in finding someone who can do that. Maybe you’ve tried to forge a bond with someone in the past and have felt rejected or disappointed. Maybe you’ve never really met anyone you’ve clicked with. Whatever the case, your desire for a godly friend is not too big a request for your loving Heavenly Father.

Invite God into your quest for companionship. Ask Him to guide you to places and into situations that will connect you with His people. Entreat Him for wisdom and discernment as you forge new relationships. God wants to connect you with people who will enrich your life and who you can likewise bless.

Try therapy

If your heart’s desire is to find a long-lasting gal pal who can support you throughout your different life stages and with whom you can spend your life, know that it’s natural to want this type of meaningful connection. God created us to be social beings and wants us to be in faithful and fruitful friendships.

Going to therapy can be a step in developing long-lasting friendships. Your therapist can help you improve your communication skills, help you determine the type of friendships that would serve you, and teach you how to effectively resolve conflicts in your relationships. Your Christian therapist can be that listening ear when you feel unfulfilled or lonely, and they can point to the One who loves you more than your human mind can comprehend.

Cultivate best friends

It’s natural to want a best friend to be a companion and a confidant. If you have one, you’re blessed already. But if you’re still seeking that perfect fit, know that God wants to be a part of your process. He wants to lead you to people who will not only fulfill your human needs for companionship, but who will also guide you back to Him. Invite Him into your friend-seeking process and see what He does.

Get started

To learn more about friendships, how you can foster them, and how God meets you in the process, connect with a Christian counselor. You can fill out the contact form on this site to learn more about the services available. You don’t have to walk through this alone.