The Unseen Cost of Grief and Loss for Children

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While there are many books about helping children through grief, there are unseen costs that can be overlooked as a child gets further from the initial grieving season.

The unseen cost of grief and loss in children can be found by taking a deeper look at how they process identity, family, and friendship – and what it means to process the perceived loss of any one of those.

How a Child’s View of Self Changes Due to Grief

When a child is young, his or her caregivers are tied to their identity. Even a mediocre parent is an integral part of the formation of a child’s sense of self from a young age.

That’s partly why research tells us that narrative therapy can be so powerful for adults who experienced a lack of attachment to their primary caregivers in childhood; the therapy walks them through the process of forming a new sense of identity by examining the attachment that didn’t take place as it should have.

Whether they lost a caregiver due to death or divorce, abandonment, or simply separation that requires a season of living far from that caregiver, a child can be devastated. This doesn’t just impact the child’s relationship with that caregiver.

It impacts their view of themselves because they may struggle to gain the confidence that comes from a stable home life, a steady, consistent primary caregiver, and a deep-seated knowledge that their primary caregiver will be there for them.

When loss interrupts or removes this awareness, a child becomes unsure of who they are. It can cause a boisterous, playful child to become quiet, reserved, and unwilling to try new things. Or it may mean that as the child grows into adolescence, they’re more likely to be a follower rather than a leader who is sure of themselves and can pinpoint what part of following is unhealthy and avoid it.

Grief, then, plays an important role in how a child walks through and recovers from loss of self. We tend to acknowledge the loss of a role in a child’s life, such as the death of a parent, the divorce of two parents, or even something like moving away from a best friend. But amid grief, it’s important to help the child see the connection between that loss and how it impacts how they see themselves.

How to Help a Child or Teen View Themselves in Light of Loss

Because a child can lose a caregiver, friend, or family member in more ways than one, it’s important to talk about the actual loss. Was it the loss of a friendship after a cross-country move or the loss of a beloved aunt due to death? Or did their parents divorce, so the loss is felt in norms that have been removed?

Talking about the loss will help a child acknowledge where the grief comes from. This may be overlooked because, as adults, we assume it’s a normal process. For children, though, and even teens, it can be incredibly healing to talk about and name what they miss.

“I miss the way we used to run to each other’s houses after school.”

“I miss how Aunt Jane always baked cookies when we came over.”

Letting a child or teen talk about what is lost is an important step in not just grieving the actual loss but grieving their self-perception as it relates to the loss.

Helping them understand that it’s okay if they feel shaky in themselves when they’ve lost an important daily figure in their lives, such as a best friend who always rode with them on the bus or a dad who picked them up after dance every Tuesday and Thursday but now is unable due to distance, death or divorce.

Normalizing emotions is another key to helping a child or teen go through grief in a way that helps them recover over time.

When you try to move on too quickly, without acknowledging or revealing your own emotions, it signals to a child that he or she should also get on with the business of moving forward. However, because a child is immature in his brain wiring, this can be misunderstood to mean they should ignore their sense of loss and their emotions, and pack it up like a suitcase when going on a trip.

Unfortunately, their “suitcase” will pop open unexpectedly when this happens – giving them a host of emotions later in life that weren’t expressed when they needed to be and maybe even stunting some of their emotional maturity and growth.

So, letting your child see you cry if you are upset, talking about feelings, and giving extra grace when it comes to expectations of your child are all helpful. Ease up on their chores and homework while they grieve; let them take some time off from a sport or music pursuit if that’s what they need.

But don’t let them just be alone during those absences. Be intentional in spending time with them, remind them that loss is hard, and grief takes time, and be available when they want to share how they’re doing.

Grief Can Impact Children’s Future Relationships or Friendships

Because a child who loses a parent endures such emotional pain, it’s clear why he or she may have a hard time bonding with a future caregiver. When Mom remarries after a divorce or someone new steps into her life after years of being a widow, even adult children can struggle.

They’re allowed to be fearful of how that new relationship will impact their other caregiver. But they also may be afraid of getting too close themselves. After all, they know what it feels like to lose someone they love.

If a child has lost a friend due to a big move, the grief they’re experiencing may contribute to hesitance about making new friends or trying a new activity.

In a scenario where grief has caused some hesitation to form new relationships, there are things you can do to help a child or teen.

First, don’t push your child or teen into forming new relationships. It’s natural to need time to accept the loss of a friend, even if it’s simply a friend who has moved away.

Second, encourage your child to continue routines – after skipping a week of the sport they love or easing up on their homework for a period of time, remind them that picking up these things will restore some normalcy to their lives, especially if they are old enough to understand.

If they are too young to understand, then simply keeping their routines as close to what they were before will help children to have something familiar in the wake of having lost a treasured friend.

Third, find therapists who specialize in talking with children and teens. Psychologists can work with your child or your teen in a way that meets them where they are – not where they or you feel they need to be. This gentle approach gives them hope that where they are today is okay, and yet, there’s hope for healing in the future.

Finally, helping a child take relational risks in the future should be child-led. Perhaps, over time, you notice your child or teen regaining interest in trying out a new activity. If your teen goes to high school and decides being on the newspaper staff might be fun, let him or her adjust to the new activity and find friends over time.

Trusting the process can be the toughest part of watching a child or teen go through grief. It’s so difficult to see someone you love hurting. But when they know it’s okay to feel how they feel, that they are loved, and that they have a supportive group around them, they’ll find their new footing.

A grief group or a grief counselor can also be part of their support team, helping them know they’re not alone and they’re not the only child or teen going through something so difficult. To meet with a counselor or therapist who can help your child navigate their grief, contact our offices today.

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“Boy With Candle”, Courtesy of an Thet, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Overlooked Early Signs of Autism Caregivers and Teachers Should Pay Attention To

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Early signs of autism are sometimes subtle, and they are not always recognized right away. For caregivers, teachers, and anyone who works closely with children, noticing these signs early makes a big difference.

Early support helps children build confidence, learn skills, and feel understood. When these signs are overlooked, children may struggle silently, and families may miss the chance to provide the right help at the right time.

Why Early Signs of Autism Matter

Children grow and learn at different speeds, but certain behaviors can point to early signs of autism. Some of these include limited eye contact, delayed speech, repetitive movements, or difficulty engaging in play with other children.

While some of these behaviors may seem small, they are important clues. Recognizing them early allows caregivers and teachers to provide support that helps children feel safe and included.

How Early Signs of Autism Affect Learning and Social Growth

In classrooms and playgroups, children with early signs of autism may prefer routines, struggle with changes, or find group activities stressful. They may repeat certain actions, like lining up toys or flapping their hands, as a way to feel calm.

Without understanding, these behaviors can be mistaken for misbehavior or a lack of interest. In reality, they are ways of coping. When teachers and caregivers respond with patience and acceptance, children are more likely to thrive.

The Emotional Impact of Missing Early Signs

When early signs of autism are missed, children may feel misunderstood. They may be told to try harder or act like everyone else, which can lead to frustration and low self-esteem.

Families may also feel confused, wondering why their child struggles in certain areas. That is why recognizing these signs early helps reduce stress for both the child and the family. It opens the door to resources, therapies, and strategies that make everyday life easier. Early support builds resilience and helps children grow with confidence.

Practical Ways Caregivers and Teachers Can Respond

  • Pay attention to patterns in behavior, not just single actions.
  • Create a calm environment where children feel safe to express themselves.
  • Use clear, simple language when giving instructions.
  • Offer sensory-friendly tools, like soft toys or quiet corners, to help children regulate.
  • Celebrate small successes, like making eye contact or joining a group activity.
  • Work closely with families to share observations and support strategies.
  • Encourage play that matches the child’s interests, even if it looks different from that of peers.

These steps help children with early signs of autism feel valued and understood, instead of a constant reminder that they are different and not acceptable. They also build trust between caregivers, teachers, and families.

Noticing early signs of autism is not meant for labeling children, but rather to give them the support they need to grow with confidence.

Caregivers and teachers play a vital role in noticing these signs and responding with patience and care. If you are a caregiver or family member who realizes you may have missed some of these signs and want extra guidance, there are counselors experienced in this right here on this site, ready to help.

Refer the parent to this platform for a formal diagnosis, of give us a call today to get the support tools you can use to help every child deserves.

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Three Things Your Child Can Do for Bullying Prevention and to Stop Bullying at School

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The issue of bullying has been around for many years. However, in recent years, bullying has become even more difficult as kids deal with bullying online through social media and text. But there are things you can do to stop bullying and for bullying prevention.

It is more important than ever to discover what your kids are going through so that you can stop bullying before it starts. However, a child who hesitates to tell you what’s happening in their life may not want to tell you if they’re being bullied.

It is essential not only to let your child know that you are there for them and that you will advocate for them, if necessary, but it is also crucial for them to have the tools necessary to stop bullying for themselves. They don’t always have to get a parent involved.

Here are three things your child can do to stop bullying at school:

Tell a Teacher

Although it may be risky for a child to enlist the help of a teacher, the teacher needs to know what’s going on in her classroom and outside of it. For example, a child who behaves well in school but then bullies another child at recess may be challenging to spot.

Let a teacher know and make them aware of what’s going on. Tell them when this bullying is happening and what is said or done. The teacher may be able to stop the bullying before it starts and before a person gets physically harmed.

Be Kind

Teaching your child to be kind amid bullying is also essential. It is tempting for a child to want to retaliate or seek vengeance for this behavior by bullying the bully. However, there is a better answer. Children must react kindly to the person bullying them.

This does not mean that a child should endure physical violence in the name of being kind. If a child is being bullied through words, it is essential not to seek retaliation by saying mean words back. This only perpetuates the behavior and fuels the bullying to continue. Help your child create a philosophy of kindness when people say mean things; they could say something kind back.

Enlist Friends’ Help

A child may be hesitant to seek the help of a teacher for fear that their peers will reject them. However, a child with five or six friends who surround them and protect them may be all that is needed to help curb bullying before it gets out of hand.

Ask your child to enlist the help of three or four friends who can help them if the need arises. Allow these children to be on the lookout for bullying when it starts.

For example, if a child is bullied outside at recess, the friends enlist their help to come to your child’s aid. Encourage your courageous friends to tell a teacher or enlist the help of a grown-up if it’s happening in the cafeteria or outside at recess.

If bullying occurs inside the classroom, have a friend be bold enough to raise their hand and protect you by letting the teacher know what’s happening. Ensuring a child’s safety is paramount, and safety in numbers is an effective way to prevent bullying.

You Can Find Support for Bullying Prevention

Bullying is a complex subject for all parents navigating this challenging life. However, teach your child to enlist a friend’s help, tell a teacher, and be kind so they do not become bullies themselves but stop the bullying when it occurs.

For more on helping your child with bullying and other topics important to you as a parent, contact our office today. The therapists and counselors at our location have the training needed to help you navigate parenting in today’s culture.

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Signs of Depression in Children: Finding Help from a Christian Counselor in Huntington Beach

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Just like adults, children experience emotional ups and downs and are affected by daily stresses. Some children are naturally more sensitive or emotional than others and may freely express their emotions. Others might suppress their feelings for various reasons, though the parents might still notice a change in behavior.

It is not uncommon for children to become depressed. There has been a slight increase in child depression in the last decade. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention cites that 3.2% of children aged 3-17 have current cases of depression.

It can be alarming to parents and caregivers to know that their child is depressed, and many may not know how to help their child. Others might not even be aware that their child is depressed, thinking that children cannot experience depression. If a child’s mood is rapidly changing, if they have become quiet or withdrawn, or if their performance at school is declining, these may be signs that a child is depressed.

Why Children Get Depressed

Depression in children is influenced by many things, from life events to their environment at school and in their family. In some cases, it is a biochemical illness or genetic predisposition. In every case of child depression, it is a good idea to consult a counselor, therapist, or medical professional to determine the cause and treatment.

A child’s school environment is frequently the source of depression. From the ages 5-6, children spend the majority of their time at school with teachers and peers. Here they may be exposed to experiences like bullying and social rejection which can easily result in the child becoming depressed.

Many children as young as five experience fear and anxiety as far as school is concerned. Whether it is separation anxiety, social anxiety, or a specific phobia, anxiety, and depression are often linked.

Similarly, childhood depression is commonly influenced by things that happen at home. During their developmental years, a child is sensitive to many events that might seem insignificant to adults. For example, moving house is a common life event for an adult, but it can be deeply impacting for a child. Leaving friends behind and having to begin school with new peers and teachers is enough to cause depression in children.

There are more obvious natural causes of depression in children, such as abuse, neglect, and divorce. Children are often deeply perceptive, and even if they cannot articulate it, they can sense when their parents or caregivers are struggling. Children of depressed parents will often experience depression themselves. Children need caregivers to be emotional anchors, providing stability and assurance. There are times when it can be challenging to provide this.

Biochemical Disorders

A child experiencing depression may have a mood disorder. This means that the depression the child is experiencing is not necessarily linked to any events in their external environment. Instead, it is being generated inside of them, by their brain or nervous system. This type of depression can only be diagnosed by a medical professional after careful evaluation.

There most common depressive disorders to affect children are major depressive disorder (MDD), persistent depressive disorder (PDD), seasonal affective disorder (SAD), bipolar disorder, disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (DMDD), and adjustment disorder with depressed mood.

Severe depression that lasts more than two weeks might be major depressive disorder. Persistent depressive disorder, also called dysthymia, is a milder form of depression, but one in which the symptoms last for a year or more. Seasonal affective disorder occurs mostly in the northern hemisphere where the daylight hours are shorter in the colder seasons. Depression is a result of a lack of chemicals obtained from sunlight, such as vitamin D.

Bipolar occurs in children, however, it is not common. The indicator of bipolar is extreme mood swings, always followed by bouts of low energy and depression. Mood swings and surges of energy and exhaustion are common for all children, but what sets bipolar behavior apart is that the mood swings are intense and last for weeks with debilitating effects.

Healthy children may occasionally experience bursts of extreme emotion, from euphoric joy to fits of anger and tantrums. But when the anger is severe, with frequent outbursts, aggression, irritability, and no joyful or positive emotions, it might be disruptive mood dysregulation disorder. Only children over the age of six experience DDMD and it is extreme but treatable.

Lastly, adjustment disorder with depressive mood is not biochemical but is commonly treated with medication. A child with this disorder might be depressed for three months or more, and it is often in response to a major event, like a death in the family or parental separation. There is a period of adjustment to each of these events, but if a child’s daily functions are impaired by grief, this may indicate the presence of this type of depression.

Symptoms of Depression in Children

Depression affects children across a broad age spectrum, and each stage of development brings with it characteristic behavior. For example, it is common for young children to have tantrums, to sometimes be shy and withdrawn, and to have occasional angry outbursts. But these can also be symptoms of depression in children. The difference between natural developmental behavior and depression is the intensity of the behavior, and the effects it has.

If there is a sudden and noticeable change in behavior, such as an outgoing and confident child becoming shy and silent, this is cause for concern. If they stop doing things that previously brought them joy, become overly sensitive to criticism, have lower energy, and increased irritability, this might be further evidence of depression.

Children below the age of nine do not naturally possess filters to mask behavior. They also do not have the eloquence to describe their emotions. This means that younger children cannot easily tell you what they are feeling, but they will show how they feel without being prompted. Frequent tantrums, angry gestures, or low energy and impeded abilities to do simple tasks (like brushing teeth or tying shoelaces) are things to watch out for.

Older children and pre-teens tend to become withdrawn and silent when battling depression. Depression often presents alongside trauma, such as a fear of abandonment. The child might be reluctant to talk about how they feel because they perceive that it is wrong for them to feel this way, though they wouldn’t be able to explain why. This leads them to become insular as a form of soothing and self-protection. This is often observed where there has been bullying or abuse.

Besides this, common symptoms of depression in children and pre-teens are changes in sleep patterns, loss of appetite, failure to concentrate, frequent tearfulness, absences from school or a decline in grades, and attempts to run away from home.

Because they often cannot articulate their experiences, parents and caregivers need to take note of their behavior and, if possible, talk to the child about it. The parent might also share their concerns with a healthcare professional.

Teen depression is often linked to an increased interest in topics surrounding death, suicide, or self-harm. Risky behavior, sexual promiscuity, and substance use or abuse are also common. Low self-esteem, self-loathing, and aggression can also be indicators of depression. Teens may want to feel something besides the weight of depression or to shut down their feelings altogether.

Should you notice any prolonged behavior, things that are out of character, or behavior patterns that prove detrimental to your child’s health, you should reach out to a professional immediately. Whether you begin with medical advice, or counseling and therapy, there are options for treatment. No family has to be crippled by the effects of depression, regardless of its type or the cause of it.

Next Steps

Every case and type of depression is treatable. It may take some time to determine the type and cause of the depression, and then determine the most effective treatment plan. A good treatment plan might combine both medication and counseling. As far as medication is concerned, a qualified health professional should diagnose and prescribe the treatment. It should be monitored over some time, and amended if necessary.

The counseling might be pediatric counseling, where a professional meets with the child in private, and conducts a child-focused method of counseling. Or it might involve a combination of one-on-one meetings with the child and sessions with the parent or primary caregiver.

Many parents and caregivers themselves are battling depression and ailing mental health. It is common to feel guilty, helpless, and even angry at yourself as a parent because of your child’s depression. We encourage parents to seek counseling for themselves, as a way of helping themselves and their family.

We can connect you to some highly qualified professional counselors who will work with you to provide the support, and treatment you need. The first step is to call our offices to book an appointment with a counselor, after which you will be on your way to mental wellness.

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“Blue Paint”, Courtesy of Phil Hearing, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Replace Baby Screams With Real Smiles: How Play Therapy Can Make a Fussy Baby Happier

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As new parents, sometimes we really need to put away the Pinterest-perfect parenting guides and acknowledge just how draining fussy babies can be. If you’ve spent four hours rocking back and forth in the hallway with a baby that hates your rocking, your shushing, and even your tears, it’s easy to feel like their constant fussiness is a failing grade on your motherhood test. Yet, adopting that mindset will only lead to you consistently feeling beaten and spent. Play therapy can help.

You care about this tiny human more than anything else in the world, which is why it’s so frustrating when you can’t get them to calm down. We go into parenting thinking we’ll naturally know what to do to handle this never-ending needy creature, and we feel utterly defeated when our instincts fail us.

Have you considered that at the root of all that commotion and annoyance, the baby is just yearning for emotional reassurance? There’s a calm, bright future with a contented baby for your family. One helpful step in learning to calm your baby involves discovering how play therapy can lead to a happier, fuss-free infant.

A Baby’s Secret Language

Human beings are creatures of emotion. From the day we are born, we feel things like stress and sadness just like adults do. The only difference is that we learn as we grow to communicate those emotions through words.

Unfortunately for babies, they can’t simply tell you, “Hey, will you please stop yelling? That really ticks me off,” or “Turn off that loud TV. It’s making my head hurt.”

Instead, they cry. Having an infant cry non-stop for days on end is enough to frazzle anyone’s nerves. Baby’s nerves are just like ours. If they don’t have an outlet for that pent-up emotional energy, it just stays stuck.

Flipping The Script on Mini Tantrums

Don’t you ever think, “Surely there’s a less exhausting method than lulling a crying baby to sleep by rocking them.” You’ve probably heard that you should either ignore the crying or distract them with some razzle-dazzle toys. But those are just Band-Aids on the problem.

If you want to heal your child from the inside out, you must meet them where they are developmentally. Babies understand the world through movement and emotion.

That is where play therapy can come in to play a super important role in your child’s development and happiness. Instead of viewing playing with your baby as something you do to keep them busy, it can be used as an emotional outlet and a way to communicate with them.

Easy DIY Play Therapy Game Plans for Fussy Babies

Are you ready to go from surviving parenthood to thriving? It’s all about rethinking your playtime methods. Here are some examples of easy tips to get started, even now:

The Mirror Game Sit your baby up straight and mimic everything they do. Make the exact same faces they make while exaggerating your facial movements. Follow their coos with silly animal sounds. This kind of mirroring communicates to their brain in a way that they understand that you get them.

The Magic Movement Place your baby on a blanket on the ground and slowly drag them across the room. Babies have something called a vestibular system that gets stimulated by movement. Helping your baby learn how to manage big emotions is easy when you take them on a slow journey.

Never ignore a whimper As soon as they whimper, hum softly back instead of ignoring or shushing. You are communicating to your baby that you will be there with them when things feel hard.

The truth is, parenting is difficult, and infants don’t come with an instruction manual. If you’ve tried everything and your home still looks like a war zone, there’s no shame in asking for help.

Learning about baby play therapy can open your world to magical ways to connect with your child. Talk to some of the child therapists on this site, or simply pick up the phone and contact someone who can guide you through the first steps.

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“Baby Playing”, Courtesy of Natalie Blauth, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

How to Help Children of Divorce: Advice from a Christian Counselor in Huntington Beach, CA

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Children of divorce may require more attention, encouragement, and support. Although the rate of divorce has been declining over the past two decades, at least 40% of first-time marriages end in divorce. The rate increases in subsequent marriages.

You can help your children find their footing, adapt, and thrive by working together, providing stability, teaching them how to regulate emotions, and leaning into God.

Tips for Helping Children of Divorce

Helping children of divorce cope with changes in a positive way can build emotional resilience and reassure them that they are still loved. You can establish these guideposts by providing a stable environment, acknowledging their thoughts and feelings, working to co-parent, and providing support from other sources. Uniting as a family to serve and worship in the church and community can teach children empathy as they learn about others.

Adjusting to a new normal is hard for both parents and children. Sometimes you need more guidance. Don’t be afraid of seeking professional help during this season. Christian counseling combines evidence-based psychological methods with faith-based principles, helping people work through hard seasons while drawing closer to God.

The following are several tips to help children of divorce adapt and thrive.

Build a stable environment

Children need stability. They need to know that they have a safe space to lay their head down at night and to be with a parent. During a divorce, so much can be up in the air, including living arrangements.

Often, parents start divorce proceedings and are unsure if they will sell their home and split the difference, if one parent will remain in the home, or if both parents need to move out of a rented place immediately.

In some circumstances, divorce is due to violent actions on the part of one parent, leaving the other parent to flee to safety. Trying to build a safe environment for your children helps to ease the tension and anxiety they feel.

If possible, make arrangements as soon as you become aware that divorce is impending. If it is an immediate separation due to divorce, confide in friends and family about a safe place to live temporarily while you find more secure housing. Inform your child that this is only temporary, but they will still be surrounded by love.

Remember that older children hurt too

We can get so bogged down with divorce proceedings that we forget that older children are not meant to shoulder the responsibility of carrying our emotions or raising younger siblings. Single parents tend to rely on older children for help.

Although older children should take on more responsibility as they grow, expecting them to act like adults or confiding in them as if they are adults will only cause feelings of resentment, bitterness, and anger to fester.

Older children hurt too, although they may be better at keeping it hidden. Your younger child may cry at night, but an older child may act out in other ways. They may have mood swings, lash out at younger siblings, develop behavioral issues in school, or suffer academically. Take the time to listen to your older child. Ask them questions about their thoughts and feelings, and acknowledge their insecurities.

Explain to them that a divorce is necessary after all avenues have been considered, but don’t go into the details of every argument between you and your spouse. Consider speaking to the teacher or counselor at your child’s school to inform them about a significant life event affecting your child that may impact their behavior or academics.

Try to coparent effectively

Coparenting can be tricky. First, you need to have a civil relationship with your ex. You do not need to be overly friendly, but you do need to work together for the sake of your children and maintain a positive relationship.

Children can sense the tension between parents during exchanges, and this can add to their anxiety. Try to keep the conversation focused on the children, updating the other parent about physical, emotional, and behavioral health, as well as academic performance.

If possible, try to attend extracurricular activities, especially games or performances. Even if you do not arrive together or sit together, your children will see that you both still support them in their endeavors. Decide on a reward system at your home and give your children your expectations of their behavior, but also be aware of your ex’s rules at their home.

Consider a mediator if you find it challenging to agree with the other parent. You may need someone else to help with exchanging the children temporarily until the newness of the separation and divorce is less emotionally charged and raw.

Keep schedules consistent

Children need routine to feel secure and stable in their environment and in relationships. Try to keep their daily and weekly schedules consistent, so they know what to expect.

For example, if you choose a coparenting schedule where the parents alternate weeks, keep that schedule. If something changes, inform your children about the change and whether it is temporary (for example, a parent has to travel for work and cannot take them that week) or permanent (the new schedule will be split into Sunday through Wednesday with Mom and Thursday through Sunday afternoon with Dad).

For teen children, consider asking them about what works better for them. It may be that walking home to Mom’s house after school is easier than waiting for the school bus to get dropped off at Dad’s home. Although you want to keep schedules consistent, both parents should remain flexible and be willing to change to make things smoother for the family.

Serve as a family

Family can be more than blood-related individuals. During and after a divorce is a good time to lean further into your church family.

Take your children to church and serve as a family in various ministries in and outside of the church. Your children learn to think about others, empathize, and see how they can be the hands and feet of Jesus to a hurting world. Schedule volunteer opportunities into your calendar and hang them up where the children can see.

Give them as much importance as you do doctor appointments or school. When children grow up doing good and showing Christ’s kindness to others in a family where religious beliefs are deemed necessary, the children are at a decreased risk of developing suicidal ideation or attempts, according to a study published in 2019 in Ethics Med Public Health.

Ask your church or local community center about volunteer opportunities. If you do not have a home church, ask friends and family about their churches or visit churches in your area that preach the Word of God and have a thriving children’s ministry.

Seek help as a family

Although it can be challenging, consider family counseling during or after divorce to help make coparenting smoother. Both parents can attend a few sessions with their children and work with a counselor to agree on schedules and expectations. After a divorce, as parents begin to date others and possibly remarry, family counseling can help in the introduction of new people into the children’s lives and blended family scenarios.

By seeking help as a family, you are reassuring your children that you want what is best for them and are willing to admit when you need help. Children learn life skills that will help them build emotional resilience.

Christian Counseling During and After Divorce

Children of divorce can struggle with the transition. Depending on the circumstances, these children may blame themselves, feel unseen, or even be angry. It’s okay to seek help from an unbiased third party at this time. A Christian counselor can help the whole family in the transition during and after divorce.

Contact our facility today to schedule a session with a counselor specializing in divorce and family counseling.

Resources:
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7430948/

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“Little Boy Playing”, Courtesy of Yunus Tuğ, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; 

Helping Siblings Get Along When Insecure Attachment Might Be The Root Cause

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Sibling relationships are some of the longest-lasting connections in a person’s life. For most kids, these relationships are a rollercoaster. They share bedrooms, toys, secrets, and sometimes even clothes, but they also share tension, competition, and misunderstandings. One minute, they’re giggling over an inside joke, and the next, they’re fighting over who gets the last cookie.

Some of that back-and-forth is totally normal and part of growing up. When kids struggle to get along, parents rush to look for quick fixes, trying more rules, more separation, or more rewards for good behavior. What’s less talked about is how some deep emotional patterns, like insecure attachment, sometimes shape the way siblings relate to each other.

When kids feel unsure about their place in the family or worry that love and attention are limited, it can lead to rivalry, jealousy, and constant conflict. Understanding this connection helps parents respond with more clarity and patience.

What is insecure attachment?

Insecure attachment develops when a child doesn’t consistently feel supported, understood, or emotionally safe with the people they rely on most. This doesn’t mean the parent is neglectful or unloving. It can stem from stress at home, busy routines, or even well-intentioned but inconsistent responses from adults.

A child with insecure attachment might question their place in the family. They may feel unsure of their worth, worry about being left out, or struggle to trust that love will stick around. And when those worries bubble up, they often play out in sibling relationships.

If one child feels less secure than the other, they may see their sibling as a threat or a competitor. Even small things, like who gets the bigger slice of cake or who sits next to mom, can trigger strong reactions. They may try harder to grab attention, push boundaries, or even pick fights. This is not because they want to be difficult, but because they’re trying to feel noticed or reassured.

Why Sibling Conflict Might Actually Be a Cry for Connection

When siblings clash, it’s easy to zoom in on the behavior. Who pushed whom? Who started it? Who broke the toy? But often, the fighting masks a deeper need, like a craving for connection.

A child who doesn’t know how to ask for attention in a healthy way might act out toward a sibling instead. Teasing, interrupting, or picking a fight can be their (imperfect) way of saying, “See me. Hear me. Be with me.”

While that doesn’t make the behavior okay, it gives us a different insight. When we respond with curiosity instead of just punishment, we give kids the message: “I see something bigger going on here, and I’m here to help.”

Some sibling disagreements are normal. But if you’re noticing patterns that go beyond typical sibling squabbles, insecure attachment could be a factor.

Signs That Insecure Attachment Might Be at Play

  • One child is always trying to win or be better than the other
  • Constant tattling, blaming, or pointing fingers
  • Avoiding time with a sibling or refusing to play together
  • Intense reactions to small things (like who gets more attention)
  • A child who seems anxious when their sibling gets attention
  • Difficulty apologizing or making up after a fight

Such behaviors normally aren’t just about personality. They may reflect deeper worries about safety, love, and connection.

The Subtle Messages Kids Pick Up at Home

Kids are always watching and listening. Not just to what we say, but how we say it. If one child gets more praise, more comfort, or more freedom (even unintentionally), the other might start to feel less important. Even offhand comments like “She’s the responsible one” or “He’s so dramatic” can leave lasting impressions that shape how kids see themselves and each other.

These subtle messages shape how kids see themselves and each other. A child who feels less than their siblings might start to act out, withdraw, or constantly try to prove that they’re enough. But when we stay mindful of how we respond to each child, we can create a home where everyone feels seen, heard, and valued.

When One Child Always Seems to Need More

You might notice that one child seems to need extra attention, more reassurance, or more help than their siblings. This can be exhausting for parents, especially when it feels like one child is always taking up space. This usually isn’t about being spoiled but more about emotional safety. That child may be unsure whether they’re truly loved, so they cling a little tighter or demand more control.

The good news? Meeting their emotional needs, through routines, calm reassurance, and dedicated one-on-one time, can help them feel more secure. Over time, they’ll likely become less reactive and more comfortable sharing space with their sibling.

Knowing When to Step in and When to Step Back

As parents, it’s tempting to referee every sibling spat. But not every argument needs adult intervention. In fact, jumping in too quickly can prevent kids from learning how to solve problems on their own. On the flip side, ignoring repeated conflict outright can leave kids feeling like no one has their back.

So how do you know when to step in?

It’s time to step in if things are escalating, someone feels unsafe, or the same issue keeps repeating. Step back if the conflict is minor and the kids seem capable of working through it. When you do intervene, focus on guiding, not punishing. Use calm language, help each child express their feelings, and guide them toward a solution. If the conflict is minor and both kids seem capable of handling it, give them a chance to try.

What to Do When It Feels Like the Fighting Never Stops

  • Spend one-on-one time with each child regularly. It helps them feel secure and less likely to compete for your attention.
  • Avoid comparisons. Even light-hearted ones like “He’s the smart one” can cause resentment.
  • Teach simple ways to express emotions. Give your child the words, like “I feel left out,” so they don’t need to act out to be heard.
  • Pay attention to when fights tend to happen. Is it around bedtime? Shared toys? Once you know the triggers, you can set clearer expectations or offer more support in those moments.
  • Create shared positive experiences. Game nights, family walks, or silly routines help siblings connect outside of conflict.
  • Respond with curiosity. If one child tends to dominate or pull away, ask, “What were you hoping would happen?” instead of jumping to discipline.
  • Encourage repair. Teach them to apologize, listen, and make amends. Model this yourself by owning mistakes and showing how to rebuild trust.
  • Celebrate each child’s growth. Focus on their efforts, not just achievements, so they feel valued for who they are, not how they compare.

Sometimes, sibling struggles go deeper than day-to-day squabbles. If a child has experienced trauma, bullying, or ongoing stress, it can affect how they relate to others, especially their siblings.

In these cases, therapy can be a powerful tool. A child therapist can help kids unpack their emotions, develop healthier coping skills, and build stronger relationships. They can also support parents in understanding what their child really needs and how to meet those needs without burning out.

The Big Picture: It’s about emotional safety, not just behavior

Helping siblings get along isn’t just about stopping fights or managing behavior. It’s about creating a home where every child feels emotionally safe, valued, and connected.

When kids feel secure, they don’t need to compete for love. They’re better able to handle conflict, show empathy, and grow into the kind of siblings and humans who treat each other with kindness and care. That’s the kind of relationship that can last a lifetime.

If you’re worried that something deeper might be going on, there are many licensed child therapists available here, just a call away. Getting support now can make a lasting difference in your child’s emotional world and in the bonds they build with their siblings. Reach out to this office to learn more.

Photos:
“Silly Faces”, Courtesy of Austin Pacheco, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Sitting on a Hammock”, Courtesy of Sr. Janko Ferlic, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Traits of a Highly Sensitive Child and How to Care for Them

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Children often experience big emotions, and it is typically normal. Some children, however, feel they live in a state of extreme emotion all the time and are more easily triggered by their environment. When this happens, you may find yourself wondering if your child’s reactions are normal or if you have a highly sensitive child.

Help! I have a highly sensitive child

A highly sensitive child is a child who processes and reacts more deeply to their experiences than other children do. They are inherently wired like that. Highly sensitive children are often known to be feisty and fierce, passionate and persistent, insightful and empathetic, intuitive and intense, and they are constantly living in extremes. They’re known to be either ecstatic or enraged.

Highly sensitive children are sensitive to their environment, experiences, relationships, and expectations. They are amazing children, but because they react in bigger ways than most, they are prone to frustration, power struggles, and perfectionism. This is because they find it more challenging to adapt to the limits and expectations they encounter in their daily lives.

The intensity of highly sensitive children can be exhausting for their parents or caregivers. It can be hard to understand your highly sensitive child in all their complexity, and they are often misunderstood because there seems to be no middle ground with them. The better you can understand them, the more you can learn how to provide the sensitive and responsive care that they need to thrive.

3 Key Traits of Highly Sensitive Children

Some of the more prominent traits of a highly sensitive child include the following:

Highly sensitive children are more sensitive to the world around them

Highly sensitive children experience their emotions in extremes. This is because they feel much more deeply than most. They are often compared to orchids: high-maintenance plants that react to the smallest changes in environment. They are more vulnerable to changes in their environment and may seem to react irrationally as a result.

In addition to their extreme emotions, they are also sensitive to the environment they are in, and their brains never seem to shut down. They are known as processors as they tend to focus on and analyze even minute details. While this makes them extremely insightful and empathetic, because they seem to lack an internal filter, they are also more easily overwhelmed, absorbing more than they can handle.

They also tend to be more self-aware and perceptive than most. They question things others might take for granted and can articulate their motivations for things they did or said even better than some adults. They can understand their own struggles. They also tend to have great insight into how others feel and can pick up on subtle changes in tone.

Highly sensitive children have big reactions to the world around them

Your highly sensitive child will have bigger reactions than most to sensory input, even to seemingly small things. They are more sensitive to sensory input and experience sights, sounds, textures, and smells more intensely. They may avoid things like foods with particular smells, flavors, or textures, certain kinds of clothing, public restrooms with noisy hand dryers, or get upset when something doesn’t look like they expect.

A highly sensitive child is more prone to meltdowns because they are more quickly triggered to experience stress. When they feel overwhelmed by the constant onslaught of sensations that they can’t manage effectively, it can result in intense emotional reactions.

A highly sensitive child will be more apprehensive about new people or places. Their minds turn over all the details in a new situation, whether it’s a new classroom, activity, birthday party, or family gathering. They will try to anticipate what they might expect, wondering what might happen and whether they will be liked, feel safe, or be good at the activity.

Their deep thinking and constant analysis are an attempt to prepare for the unknown. While this makes them come across as bright and insightful, it can also be overwhelming for them. This results in the child resisting new things and clinging to what is familiar and comfortable. They may struggle separating from their parents or adapting to being left alone at school or sports.

A highly sensitive child also tends to get frustrated more easily. While everyone experiences a certain amount of natural discomfort when confronting something new or challenging, a highly sensitive child will find it intolerable. Because they experience more distress in those situations, they may give up more easily when they experience a challenging task.

They also tend to be preoccupied with how others see them, even if parents or other adults say complimentary things about them. They are so sensitive to feeling scrutinized or assessed that they even feel uncomfortable receiving praise, as they perceive the pressure of being evaluated.

They may also be inclined to misinterpret others’ actions, taking what others say and do more personally than it was intended. It may seem like a highly sensitive child filters their experiences through a victim mindset. This can make navigating relationships with siblings and peers more challenging.

Highly Sensitive Children try to control the world around them

Because of their sensitivity to their environment, a highly sensitive child will live in a state of high alert and will feel a greater need for control in those situations where they feel uncomfortable. They will try to prepare for and protect themselves from the next big emotion, event, or experience that could be overwhelming.

They will attempt to gain control of a situation by being rigid and inflexible about details like where to sit and which plate to use. The more out of control they feel on the inside, the more controlling they may be on the outside. Even their constant analysis of event details is part of this desire to feel in control of their world and what to expect in any situation.

A highly sensitive child is more likely to struggle with perfectionism because when they can’t complete a task in the way their brain is telling them it should be, they feel a loss of control. They are triggered to feel shame, and this results in them quickly feeling like a failure. They experience failure as a personal failing they are judged for, instead of as part of the learning process.

Perfectionism and difficulty losing go hand in hand. This makes competitive activities especially stressful for the highly sensitive child. A highly sensitive child is more likely to try to manipulate the game in their favor so that they can win to protect themselves from the shame of losing. Alternatively, they may get angry and quit if the result isn’t going their way.

This also means that a highly sensitive child will have a hard time accepting correction. Even seemingly harmless directions can be perceived as personal judgments instead of helpful guidance.

Any perceived shame they experience can trigger reactions like laughing, looking away, anger, or even running away. Evasive responses are all coping mechanisms to provide protection and relief from the flood of difficult emotions.

How to Care for Your Highly Sensitive Child

A child with a sensitive temperament can’t outgrow who they are. They can learn how to manage their emotions and cope with the more challenging aspects of their sensitivity. A big part of helping them is managing your expectations and approaching their meltdowns with patience and compassion.

When your sensitive child reacts to something, don’t take things they say and do personally. The fact that they are lashing out is a sign that they are struggling to cope with something. Don’t minimize their emotions. Instead, try to remain calm and not be reactive yourself. Stay present while providing space for your child to feel what they’re feeling.

Don’t try to problem-solve in the middle of the meltdown, but rather wait until they are calm before offering help. If they permit you to share some ideas that you have of ways to handle a situation, they will feel more in control and be more receptive to what you have to say. Sharing your thoughts, guidance, and personal experiences in this manner can help them better understand and adapt to the world around them.

Not all highly sensitive children will have all of these traits, and many who aren’t highly sensitive may struggle to some degree with some of these. But because of their sensitivity, these children may be more likely to struggle with anxiety or mental health challenges. If this sensitivity is affecting their ability to function well at home or at school, or interfering with their relationships, they can benefit from professional help such as Christian counseling.

Connect with a counselor near you or through this website to learn more about working with myself.

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“Crying Boy”, Courtesy of Vika Glitter, Pexels.com, CC0 License

11 Creative Ways to Teach Kids Bible Verses About Worry

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Teaching kids Bible verses about worry should be a meaningful, bonding, and fun time for the child and everyone involved, too. In those moments when children feel nervous or scared, creative activities help make learning calming Scripture easier and more enjoyable.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. – 1 Peter 5:7 NIV

The way a child first experiences the Bible will shape how they feel about it for years to come. If they see it as a book full of comfort and wisdom, they will turn to it when they need guidance. But if learning scripture feels dull or difficult, they may see it as something unhelpful. Making Bible learning fun and interactive helps children build a strong connection with God’s Word, especially when they get scared.

Common Misconceptions Kids Have About the Bible

  • Some children believe the Bible is just a list of rules or old stories that don’t relate to their lives.
  • They might believe it’s too difficult to understand or is only for adults.
  • Some kids may think that the Bible is boring or that it doesn’t help with their everyday problems.

If we can find ways to demonstrate to kids from the earliest age how scripture can bring joy, peace, and comfort in their daily lives, we help them see its true value.

Everyday Situations When Kids Need Verses About Worry

Children deal with worries every single day. They might feel nervous about a big test, making new friends, or speaking in front of a group. Changes like moving to a new home or welcoming a new sibling can also make them anxious or sad. Even small things, like a sleepover or trying a new activity, may cause stress.

Bible verses about worry remind them that God is always with them, bringing comfort and reassurance as they find comfort and reassurance in God’s word during these moments of uncertainty.

Fun and Creative Ways to Teach Kids Verses About Worry

Worry crafts Let kids create worry jars or boxes. They write down things that worry them on slips of paper and place them in the jar or box.

They can also add pieces of paper with verses about worry, such as “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6.34, ESV) Every time they add a worry, they can also add a verse from the Bible. The idea is that God will carry their worries for them.

Catchy verse songs Turn verses about worry into simple, catchy songs. Music helps kids remember verses and makes learning enjoyable. Sing together and discuss the meaning of the verses.

Playful role-playing Use role-playing to act out scenarios where kids feel scared or worried. Include some verses about worry, showing how they apply them in real-life situations.

Storytime with scripture Read Bible stories that show how people in the Bible handled worry, like Jesus calming the storm in Matthew 8 vs 23-27, and talk about how trust in God brings peace.

Play verse interactive games Create games like word searches, matching cards, or puzzles using verses about worry. This interactive approach keeps a kid engaged and remembering the verses better.

Make prayer chains Kids write their worries on paper strips and link them into a chain. As they add each link, they recite a verse about worry and pray over their concerns, like.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4.6, ESV

Write verse journals Teach your kids to keep a worry journal where they write down their fears with a Bible verse next to each one. A great verse for this is.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41.10, ESV

A Bible verse scavenger hunt Hide cards with verses about worry all around the house or classroom. As kids find them, let them talk about what they think the verses mean.

Memory verse challenges Turn learning verses into a game by creating memory challenges. For example, write each word of a verse on separate cards and mix them up. Kids race to put them in the correct order.

Create interactive verse walls Have a verse wall where kids always pin up their favorite Bible verses about worry and share what they mean to them, such as Proverbs 12:25 — “Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.”

Helping Kids Grow in Faith and Confidence

As parents and teachers, we play a great role in shaping a child’s faith and emotional well-being. It helps to take advantage of creative activities so that kids not only learn Bible verses about worry but also understand how to apply them every day.

If you have or work with young children and are noticing any signs of excessive worry or anxiety, think about getting extra professional guidance. A child therapist in Huntington Beach, California can provide more insight and additional help.

Start by calling us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to connect with a Christian counselor today.

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“Wildflowers”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

All in the Family: Encouraging Children with Different Birth Order to Get Along

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You may have heard of how birth order can influence a child’s personality and behavior. For example, the firstborn child may be more responsible, dependable, and organized compared to their siblings. The youngest child is more coddled, less disciplined, and takes risks. Middle children have a reputation for feeling left out and becoming sensitive to rejection, but tend to be people-pleasers and sociable.

Getting Different Birth Order Children to Get Along

How do you help your children get along with so many possible personality clashes from birth order? There are several things you can do to ease the tension in a household with two or more siblings.

Don’t compare

Resist the urge to compare one child’s behavior to their sibling’s behavior. It is easy to slip and say, “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?” Comparison only leads to negative feelings between siblings. Each child is unique in how they process information, express emotions, and behave. Instead of comparing, guide your child by leading with their strengths.

Spend quality time with each child

No matter where they are in the birth order, children crave attention and affection from their parents. They need someone who loves them to listen to and enjoy their interests. Spending quality time with each child separately makes each one feel special and strengthens the bond between parent and child.

Whether you go on an adventure together, play a game, or watch a movie curled up on the couch, you’re not only spending time with your child, but you are also creating memories. Each child needs a bond with their parent that is unique to them. Schedule play dates and other outings with each child. Some parents refer to this as a date or make it into their own special holiday (example: Mary’s Day or date night with John).

Teach children to actively listen to each other

Children in families tend to either ignore or fight their siblings. They don’t take the time to understand the other’s point of view. Part of this could be personality-based or the fact that they share the same household and must vie for the parents’ attention.

Teach your children to use their words to express their feelings to each other. Teach them how to resolve conflicts and manage anger without hurting someone.

As children grow, hormones and mental conditions can cause mood swings, irritability, and impulsiveness. Consult with a family counselor to learn the best way to teach your children communication skills.

Don’t put all your trust into birth order traits

Birth order traits are common personality traits and behaviors associated with the position of a child in the family. It does not mean that your child will fall into a specific category and be “wrong” if their personality traits overlap.

For example, perhaps your youngest child has more personality traits similar to an oldest child rather than being limited to one category. Don’t limit their abilities to a birth order chart or stereotypes.

Christian Family Counseling in Huntington Beach

If your home feels more like a war zone when the kids are out of school, family counseling might be the answer. The family is an essential unit for raising productive, loving, emotionally resilient, and stable young adults. Let us help you with Christian family counseling in Huntington Beach, California.

When you connect with us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling, we match you with a Christian counselor in Huntington Beach who specializes in family issues, conflict resolution, and anger management. Counseling goes beyond birth order traits and combines evidence-based methods and Christian principles.

Connect with us today to get started.

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“Sun Setting Behind Dock”, Courtesy of Marc Serota, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License