If you’ve come to this webpage, you are likely seeking care for unresolved wounds in your life, and if you’ve clicked on this article, you are probably searching for direction toward self-improvement in the hands of a coach who identifies with Christ.

With that in mind, I wanted to write to you about what you can expect from therapy, from life coaching, and especially from the subspecialty of Christian life coaching. I want to help you think through for yourself if the difference would be a noticeable enhancement in your journey.

What is therapy, and what is a Christian life coach?

First, let’s look at what these specialties are by definition and a few metaphors to further identify their typical look and function. Therapy, in the psychological world of healthcare, specifically refers to a professional-client relationship in which the professional delivers care that attends to the needs and mental wounds of the client.

The term “trauma” comes from the Greek for “wound,” and a therapist is in the field of mental wound care. Therapists share, teach, and model evidence-based, scientifically developed concepts and tools in a safe, positive, person-centered space and relationship.

In the metaphorical world of sports, a therapist may function like a physical therapist, helping the client recover from injuries suffered on the field so they can get cleared and back to their healthy athletic selves.

“Coach” was a word originally referring to a vehicle that would transport someone from one place to another. However, in the 1800s, it came to be used to refer to a professional who could help students through exams toward good grades. Now, a coach is widely recognized as a professional or amateur helper who helps bring students, athletes, clients, health patients, leaders, you name it, to higher functioning or personal enhancement in some area.

Metaphorically, a coach can be compared to a position-specific coach – such as a quarterback coach – who assists an athlete in refining movements, routines, or processes that enhance performance and skill. This support does not include addressing physical injuries, which remain the responsibility of a physical therapist.

The Christian Life Coach

But what about a Christian life coach? A Christian life coach can look at areas like business, nutrition, and career-finding just the same as a non-Christian life coach would, but the difference lies in their worldview and orientation to the client’s direction.

A Christian life coach may repurpose the skills and goals, reenvision the client’s sense of self in a new way, and point the client toward a somewhat dissimilar transformation process where goals and fulfillment are encountered in a Christian worldview.

A Christian life coach is like a quarterback coach (and therefore not a healer of injuries per se), but one that has an old, tested system for coaching the quarterback, who has different working premises of success, because that is the proven system in the coach’s mind for improving overall gameplay. To flesh that out, let’s take a look at a few more distinguishing characteristics of a Christian life coach.

A Christian life coach will draw wisdom from the Scriptures, prayer (both in and out of session), and incorporate spiritual disciplines and other effective coaching skills. Many Christian life coaches’ bio sections often use terminology like “help you with navigating” and “meeting you with compassion” through their coaching.

This highlights the humble approach of journeying alongside others in God’s world, drawing on the wisdom of scripture and spiritual practices, and sharing personal experiences of God’s faithfulness that have brought support and guidance in similar situations.

Non-Christian life coaches may use other phrases to describe themselves, such as “we will help you discover blind spots, re-examining old beliefs, and trying new things,” and (as to describe Tony Robbins – a huge figure in life coaching), “he set about gathering knowledge about success from the world’s best. He set out to help people become the best version of themselves, no matter their circumstances.”

A Christian life coach uses the Bible

So, one difference is the primacy of the Bible as source material that is elevated above other knowledge sources. Therefore, biblical life coaches will give the context of scripture verses that represent the thoughts and desires of God’s program for humanity to live fruitfully in this life. A Christian life coach who is worth their salt will endeavor to listen to their client’s heartfelt need and find applicable and contextually accurate verses that are God’s voice on the matter.

These scriptures may help clients find themselves in God’s design as valuable creations with a calling, clarifying the client’s identity in Christ, and encouraging them to pursue the Holy Spirit’s equipping and empowering role.

Clients will learn to set their values and passions in a creative and wider backdrop of right-sized, proper use of their gifts, and God’s presence here and now and forever forward as a promise of companionship and strength that He will always be faithful to carry out.

Prayer with a life coach can reveal areas of need, provide emotional grounding, and prepare clients to combine the truths of the Scriptures with the experience of the life coach, motivating them to act. Similarly, certain spiritual practices like fasting, solitude, generosity, and sabbath taking may be taught as a model of healthy life balance passed down from Old Testament heroes, from Jesus, and the early church.

Also, like a “Christian” quarterback coach, the Christian life coach may frame goals in ways that look less like elevating material success, fulfilling personal dreams, or aligning with an individual’s values and more like aligning with God’s will and calling, and promoting spiritual growth. As you can see, though these can overlap, in some ways, they can be qualitatively different.

Language used can also take on subtly different shades, which you may or may not like depending on your proclivity. Words like “surrendering,” “identity in Christ,” “God’s promises,” “providence,” and “control” may be more commonplace verbiage than in a secular life coaching session.

Also, decision-making processes and what makes them effective can have similarities and differences. A secular life coach (definition of secular being “present age minded”) may lean closer to scientific, deductive, even reductionistic models that start with a client’s logic and intuition and decide that a good decision will pay off when one can reasonably assume a good end or opportunity will arise from the decision.

A Christian life coach would similarly want a good ending to a decision, but what constitutes good for them may be defined only by what is godly (“No one is good but God alone.”). They will try to reverse engineer a good decision by first discerning God’s mindset on an issue through scripture and prayerful consideration. And then comes the question of how to create and maintain parameters that sustain good decision-making. We might call this accountability.

Accountability is thus grounded in the meaning-making structure that produces worthwhile goals. It then develops methods to help the client stay engaged and progress toward their goals, offering feedback and nudging the client back on track if they stray from their goals.

The Secular vs. the Christian Life Coach

This is where you may see a bigger difference between the secular and Christian orientations. The Christian life coach will nearly always believe in the objective nature of the meaning and truth of God’s world, and thus accountability has objective standards with which to weigh the client’s moves according to the Bible.

The secular life coach, will likely be agnostic or atheistic – at least, not faith based (which may be a whole other article to be written or researched if you are interested), will consider accountability as a concept grounded more on the client’s subjective will, desires to achieve or strive, or else be relaxed according to the client’s liking.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of similarities and differences, just the findings of one Christian therapist delving into the subject out of curiosity. I found myself using “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy” (developed by Steven Hayes), which I love and use often. It employs the discovery and commitment to deeply held values amid trials, pain, and the desire to avoid negativity as a pillar of its model for personal growth.

Integration

This posed an important question for me. If I use this theory with non-Christian, non-religious clients, who would almost all ascribe to beliefs or at least behaviors that reflect a subjective basis for meaning making, could I be catalyzing clients toward goals and behaviors that might ultimately separate them from a way of seeing life that needs God in it?

As I am slowly coming to believe that catalyzing clients’ awakening of old feelings and dreams about what brought them joy, a definition of identity, and a habit of moving forward in their life, can be useful and used by God as the client reawakens questions of who they were made to be.

Will those desires always neatly fit into prescribed Christian frameworks, let’s say, of healthy relationships, healthy recreation, and healthy work habits? No. But I believe that the question of what constitutes a purposeful life will eventually be used by God for growth and well-being in real life, with all of God’s tools and people working to inspire those who are not yet believers to consider the faith-filled, love-filled life God desires.

I am not a Christian life coach by training – the training and accreditation process for life coaching is different than traditional schooling processes for therapists or psychologists. However, there are programs and processes that life coaches can go through for greater specification and effectiveness. And you can and should always ask about that for your own benefit.

I love the godly promises-discovery process and the value defining process, and my therapy incorporates this to broaden healing (like the physical therapist healing the athletes torn hamstring) from past and present emotional and mental processing toward healing with value driven sights and plans built in (like a coach rooting you on the personal records and championships you desire).

Many (or at least, most) therapists will as well, by the way! But I just wanted to share that I love this stuff. Checking out and externally processing out my curiosities is part of my value system. Maybe that’s why I loved writing this piece. Dad joke beware.

Next Steps

If you’d like to start that journey of past, present, and future processing and growth with me, please feel free to reach out to reception at (949) 386-7178

“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” ― Brene Brown

Shame has become a hot topic in psychology and the discussion of mental health and wellness, especially over the last decade. The concept of shame and its meaning often depends on the context.

For instance, the common dictionary defines shame as a “painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety” and lists synonyms such as guilt, regret, and remorse (Merriam-Webster, 2022). But in psychology, shame is distinguished as a more concrete self-perception of being unworthy, defective, broken on a deep level, not simply regret or guilt about a behavior.

Toxic shame is another layer in which shame has impacted your view of yourself to the core of your self-perception (Raypole, 2020). The way we perceive ourselves impacts all our perceptions, relationships, and overall health. Understanding and healing from toxic shame makes a tremendous difference in your life. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling provides a safe space to address toxic shame and begin the journey toward self-acceptance and healing.

Understanding toxic shame

Understanding what sets toxic shame apart from guilt and regret is crucial for holistic health. As stated, often the words shame and guilt are used interchangeably. However, guilt is defined as “a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined” (Burgo, 2013)

Regret is tied to the feeling of sadness about an event or loss. Thus, guilt and regret are centered on events, behaviors, or losses, while shame is tied to a core belief about one’s lack of worthiness and brokenness beyond a single event or behavior.

Furthermore, shame is concentrated on the belief about oneself, while guilt often focuses on others or how your behavior impacted other people in your life. Guilt is often resolved by making amends, apologizing, and accepting consequences, while shame can be ongoing and harder to repair because it isn’t based on a lone thing (Gonzales-Barrios, 2022). It is possible to feel both guilt and shame, but they are different in their origin and focus.

Toxic shame is when shame has become central to one’s self-perception and is foundational in daily life. It is especially corrosive to change, hope, and health because toxic shame is shame without repair or healing. It becomes the way you interpret your worth and how you believe others view you.

Instead of being able to move forward from a mistake or behavior you don’t want to continue, toxic shame often keeps you stuck believing that you are incapable of change, worthless, and focused on how you are wrong or bad, not simply the behavior or action. Toxic shame can strip you of your ability to have self-compassion and to embrace your common humanity – the belief that you belong and that you don’t have to be perfect.

One author relates that shame “opens the door to anger, self-disgust, and other less-than-desirable feelings. It can make you feel small and worthless. It can trickle into your inner dialogue like a poison, locking you into a painful loop of negative self-talk” (Raypole, 2020). Since toxic shame is so central to your self-view, living with it has many implications.

Origins and implications

Living with toxic shame often begins in childhood. Negative words about your worth spoken by adults, such as your parents or caregivers, or others around you shape the way you view yourself, and when this is done over time, they can become the way you see yourself.

For example, if you wet the bed, your parent might have reacted in one of two ways:‌ They reassured you that it was all right and cleaned up without making a fuss. [Or] they lashed out at you and said things like, ‘Why do you always do this? What’s wrong with you?’ The second reaction would probably have led you to believe that there was something wrong with you. The feeling of shame can turn into toxic shame when the second scene keeps repeating. – Brennan, 2021

The words that you hear spoken about you as a child have tremendous power to impact how you develop your self-perception. In the first instance, the behavior is separated from the worthiness of the child; in the second, the behavior is seen as a symptom of their unworthiness and flaws. Toxic shame can also be caused by trauma, abuse, and neglect not just in childhood, but throughout life. The ramifications of living with toxic shame go beyond self-perception.

This condition also impacts physical and mental health. For instance, believing you are unworthy may correlate with self-neglect such as a lack of personal hygiene, lack of a healthy and balanced diet, and insufficient exercise. Inversely, individuals with toxic shame may become hyper-vigilant about their health and wellness, such as excessive exercise, extreme dieting, and perfectionistic to “fix” themselves.

Similarly, some people with toxic shame develop narcissism, which is a grandiose view of themselves often overinflating their importance and ambitions, and controlling others (Cikanavicius, 2018). When toxic shame is the foundation of your self-perception, it has many implications for your wellness.

Believing toxic shame is the truth has many implications for health and relationships. Research has shown that individuals who have toxic shame also struggle with substance abuse, alcoholism, self-harm, anger management issues, and eating disorders, to name a few. In relationships, they may withdraw from others (believing they are unworthy of friendship or intimacy and love) and struggle with perfectionism in the workplace (Brennan, 2021).

In addition, toxic shame can make it difficult to receive constructive feedback at work and in relationships because it is interpreted as another “sign” of unworthiness or imperfection. These behaviors and patterns not only reinforce their negative self-perception because of the guilt and impact on their health and relationships but are often coping mechanisms to avoid feeling their shame.

While it is adaptive to not want to feel shame, these behaviors only mask that pain rather than processing and resolving the core self-believe to one that holds hope and the possibility for change.

Healing from toxic shame

Thankfully, there is hope and many ways to heal from toxic shame. Often, treatment begins by healing from the negative beliefs that are tied to your overall toxic shame. There are many therapeutic avenues for identifying these core beliefs.

One clinically proven treatment process is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

The general overview of the treatment includes, “(1) First, the past events that have laid the groundwork for dysfunction are processed, forging new associative links with adaptive information; (2) the current circumstances that elicit distress are targeted, and internal and external triggers are desensitized. (3) imaginal templates of future events are incorporated, to assist the client in acquiring the skills needed for adaptive functioning” (Insitute, 2022).

Since toxic shame negative beliefs often begin in childhood and with trauma, EMDR is one way to heal from them.

Other ways to begin to heal from toxic shame include practicing mindfulness-paying attention to your self-talk and recognizing when you begin to feel shame. Likewise, incorporating compassionate self-talk through reframing such as: “Acknowledge the thought. ‘That’s one way of seeing things.’ Explore where it comes from. ‘My parents always looked at me like I was a failure when I didn’t meet their expectations.’ Consider evidence for or against it. ‘What about the things I’ve done right?’ Consider other perspectives. ‘I made a mistake, but I can fix it  –  and now I know what not to do next time.’” (Raypole, 2020).

Most importantly, and with a long-lasting impact, is working on toxic shame through a biblical lens. This starts with looking at each thought and overlaying it with trustworthy truths from the Bible. Seeing how these thoughts measure up to God’s Word is the underlying work that chases away the darkness because it cannot stand the light.

More ways to begin healing from toxic shame include professional support – finding a counselor and developing social support with friends and family.

Toxic shame has many origins and impacts on life. It often begins in childhood through the words spoken by adults and experiences such as trauma, abuse, and neglect. Toxic shame is foundational to self-perception, relationships, and quality of life. It is not something you have to live with forever. A Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you address and heal from toxic shame.

Emotions are normal, and yet they can cause deep pain and trouble in life. The knowledge and understanding of emotions have grown to a place where terms such as OCD, narcissistic, panic attacks, and trauma are commonplace, and depression and anxiety are known as everyday struggles.

Naturally, at such times, people want solutions to stop their emotions. Something else that happens is people strive to protect their emotions. Either extreme is based on a skewed view of emotions. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help individuals develop a balanced approach to understanding and managing their emotions.

Let’s normalize having emotions again

Happiness, anger, sadness, fear, and all of the other feelings named after these basic emotions have something in common. They are a normal part of the human experience. To have emotions is to be human. The Bible readily demonstrates this. From Adam and Eve, we can see emotions play a part in their behavior. From happiness to fear we can see all of the emotions on display. We rejoice when things go well.

Many find themselves relating with David as he laments in the Psalms. Most can understand the anger displayed against those who did wrong. So much of the fear displayed can be just as relatable. Emotions are not only normal, but they also serve a purpose. In fact, more than one.

Emotions are a source of strength

Appropriate for this lifetime, before Jesus comes back, are all of our emotions. Each of the emotions plays a role in leaving us longing for an eternity with God.

Happiness gives us all the illusion of simply enjoying life on this earth. However, as everything good comes from God, we can know that once God removes Himself from the earth there will be no such thing as something to smile about. Happiness allows us to taste His goodness and long for more of it.

Anger is a great emotion to draw us closer to God and be heaven-minded. Anger, when it rises because of someone sinning, aligns us with God’s hate of sin. Sinning in our anger allows us to see ourselves as we are and know that we do not deserve heaven, thereby bringing us to cling to the good news of the gospel.

Fear of God, which can come from recognizing our sin and understanding our breaking of God’s law, is the beginning of wisdom and drives us to salvation. Fear of the consequences of sin that is not our own brings a longing for heaven.

Sadness brings a similar longing for heaven. Whether it is remorse or grief, experiencing this normal emotion brings a longing for heaven. Once we recognize God’s presence as the answer, our emotions appropriately all bring about a longing for heaven.

A time for everything

No emotion is abnormal, and each emotion is appropriate for its certain time on this side of heaven. I can’t speak for heaven itself, other than there will be no more tears or pain.

Anger is normal to feel when sin steals and destroys. A hatred for sin is normal. So is sinning in our anger. There’s no settling for the sin in either instance just because anger is normal.

Fear is normal to feel when sin is revealed. It drives us to seek safety and stray from danger. Even the brokenness of the fallen world can strike fear in us. Fear reveals our need for a savior.

Sadness is normal to feel when sin steals and destroys. Whether you have a broken and contrite heart over your sin and need to repent, or you have felt the devastating effects of sin by another, sadness is supposed to be felt.

Emotions cannot be erased

If you are human, you have emotions. They are an innate part of us and cannot be erased. In fact, it can be scary not to feel anything. Physically speaking, the inability to feel anything removes a quality of life and safety mechanisms from the person. One of the scariest things for a parent is having a child who cannot feel physical pain because that child is then likely to have ailments they will ignore-even as severe as burnt flesh or broken bones.

Speaking in the area of emotions, when one does not feel anything, it often drives individuals to extremes, such as seeking physical pain for a replacement or disengaging with life and succumbing to the numbness they feel. Either extreme decreases the quality of life, and the safety emotions provide. Life would be much more difficult without emotions.

Since emotions cannot be gotten rid of, it is important to learn how to manage them and when to trust them. Emotions being an innate part of us means they are there automatically, but as humans are not perfect, emotions can respond to stimuli incorrectly. Simply put, at times our emotions can act out of our control and fire without warning, and sometimes, without cause. This drives the need to learn how to manage them.

Putting emotions to the test

Learning how to manage our emotions means testing them. Taking emotions for face value can lead to trouble if there is no call for the emotion and/or the amount of emotion in the first place.

How does one know which emotions to test and which emotions to go along with? Start with the emotions that cause the most difficulty in relationships and/or life in general. Are there any emotions that cause strife between you and a loved one? Is this a repetitive problem? That’s where you should start.

Once you’ve established a target, you can question it by asking for evidence that both supports and refutes its validity. Arguably, you can feel that something is a big deal where evidence may not point to it being so. If you have big feelings about something and those feelings are driving behavior that results in repetitive conflict, it will not be easy to test these feelings.

The next question is to ask where your circle of control is. With an understanding of what you do and do not have control over, you can start to explore areas of support that will help you manage these emotions most appropriately.

Once awareness, understanding, and support are established, you can continue to manage your emotions through practice. In a perfect world, questioning our emotions would be unnecessary. Unfortunately, on this side of heaven, sin is at play in everything.

Sin makes things complicated

Emotions are normal, but in this world, emotions are laden with sin. Instead of leading us away from sin and toward God, they can lead us toward sin and away from God. Complicating matters even further are the influence of other sinners and the overwhelming brokenness of this world. The nature of sin at play in our emotions drives the desire of many to rid themselves of the emotions altogether.

Sin is a normal part of this broken world. It does not, however, mean that we are at the mercy of sin. We can overcome sin and move past its devastating effects with the help of the Holy Spirit. Moving past is not easy, just as the managing of emotions comes with much effort.

Normal anger can bring about enslaving habits of outrage and cruelty with devastating shame, brokenness, and remorse to follow. Moving past the devastating effects of sinful anger can mean seeking forgiveness, improving the management of the anger, as well as releasing shame.

Sadness commonly brings about the destruction of connections with those around you and/or with God. It can cause a habit of mind where you think less of yourself than what is true or produce a skewed view of God and His promises. The chains of sadness can make it difficult to hope. Moving past these effects of sinful sadness brings connection, the ability to hold on to truth, and breathes hope into all circumstances.

Fear, in all of its sinful nature, brings about the destruction of trust and decreases access to truth. Moving past these effects can look like restoring access to support, shining a light on truth, and building a firm foundation to stand on.

Fighting through normal emotions and all of the effects of sin that complicate them can be difficult. The most important part is that you do not do it alone, but with God, and if possible, with another person who can point you to God. This is the best way to approach managing your emotions.

Reach out to me or one of the other Christian counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling in our online directory today if you find yourself needing support in managing your emotions and all of the thoughts and behaviors that they bring out.