Helicopter Parenting: Is it Helpful, Harmful, or Avoidable?

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You’ve probably heard the term helicopter parenting thrown around in parenting circles. The phrase conveys a mental image of a parent hovering over a small child who’s just trying to play freely. The phrase might also conjure images of a college student whose parent still plays an interventionist role in her education, such as calling a professor to find out why the student got a bad grade.

The term helicopter parent was first used in a 1969 book about parenting teenagers. Today, it’s commonly used to describe parenting that’s too involved, as opposed to having a healthy level of engagement.

Sometimes parents admit that they’re helicoptering but claim that it’s necessary. As time goes on, sometimes the realization sets in that this type of parenting can do more harm than good, hampering a child’s ability to develop the necessary independence that’s a part of growing up.

If you’ve heard of helicopter parenting, you’re probably aware that it’s generally seen as a negative parenting style. But you are probably aware that the opposite extreme (dismissiveness, disengagement, and neglect) is even more harmful.

What does helicopter parenting look like?

Since helicopter parenting is overly intrusive and controlling, it does not respect a child’s need for increasing independence as he or she grows. Sometimes it doesn’t allow much room for a child to have negative experiences or emotions.

These issues are heavily dependent on the age of the child. What might be helicopter parenting for a teen could also be healthy parenting for a toddler. Every child and family is different, with highly individual needs.

While there are overall principles that can guide us as we try to understand good parenting, individual counseling for parenting can be far more helpful in assessing specific needs for each child and family.

How do you know if you’re a helicopter parent? Some signs and symptoms of helicopter parenting might include parent-directed play, overly strict rules, unwillingness to allow the child to take initiative, lack of unstructured free time, and parental discomfort with a child’s negative emotions.

In teenagers, helicopter parenting might look like intensive control over neutral areas, demanding strict accounting of time, not allowing room for decision-making, or being involved in communication with teachers, employers, or other authority figures on the teenager’s behalf.

Many of the actions in helicopter parenting are valuable in and of themselves, but harmful when taken to an extreme. That’s why nuance is important and why Christian counseling for parenting can help parents avoid the pitfalls of helicopter parenting and help their child grow into all God has created them to be as the years pass.

When we set our children free from intrusive parenting, we allow them to flourish on their own as individuals, and that can be both joyful and scary to witness. Christian counseling for parents can not only address parental issues, but also individual issues of anxiety, fear, and other emotional concerns.

What Helicopter Parenting Is Not

Let’s emphasize that parental involvement, responsiveness, and warmth are all crucial aspects of raising a child. The younger the child, the more hovering will be required. Parents should not worry that by being involved in their child’s life or having firm, loving guidelines and boundaries, they are in danger of ruining their parenting with helicoptering.

Attunement (emotional responsiveness) and empathy (relating to others’ feelings) are both crucial to the well-being of individuals and relationships, especially in the forming of parent-child bonds.

If you respond to your baby when they cry, help regulate your toddler’s emotions, help your elementary child with their homework, or console your teen after their first breakup, don’t worry. None of these actions indicates that you’re a helicopter parent.

Let’s outline some specific behaviors to avoid and the healthy behaviors parents can replace them with, as well as go over some of the risks of helicopter parenting.

As always, individual Christian counseling can address your specific situation much better than generalized advice can. Please contact our office today for more information about Christian parenting counseling.

What does godly parenting look like?

Many Christian parents wonder how they can parent effectively in an increasingly secular culture. Does helicopter parenting mean not exercising control or limits over what your child watches or whom they befriend? How should a parent set age-appropriate rules, especially for teens? And what happens when your child makes a mistake because you gave them the freedom to do so?

The Bible doesn’t offer a wealth of direct parenting advice, but as an example, here are two Scriptures that mention parenting:

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. – Ephesians 6:4, NIV

Train up a child in the way he should go, and even when he is old, he will not depart from it. – Proverbs 22:6, ESV

We can see from these passages that parenting is a sacred responsibility, not something to be taken lightly. God calls parents to guide and teach their children, but the outcome of that training is in His hands.

The Balance of Healthy Parenting

On the one hand, being overly involved in your child’s life may inhibit their healthy development. But on the other hand, a lack of positive engagement and adequate guidance can also hold them back.

What is the balance of allowing a child freedom as he or she grows, but maintaining an engaged and responsive parenting style?

How can parents show up lovingly and be present every day, but also provide space for children to explore independently, make mistakes, and learn how to become increasingly competent over time?

What To Do Instead of Helicoptering

For toddlers, preschoolers, and elementary-age children allow them to play and explore freely in safe environments. Let them take the initiative in play. For toddler tantrums, provide soothing co-regulation rather than giving in to their demands.

Watch them play rather than playing with them every time. When you do play with them, allow them to take the lead. “Stage” toys and analog activities for them to discover.

In these early years, focus on laying a good foundation of healthy involvement so you’ll be able to gradually let go as they get older.

For elementary, middle, and teens avoid overscheduling. Allow them to do hard things themselves and learn from their mistakes. Protect them from bullying and harsh treatment, but allow them to navigate low-level friendship problems themselves, while remaining available to talk things through.

For teens it’s important to allow age-appropriate freedom, independence, and decision-making as much as possible, while protecting teens from the risks inherent to adolescence. This is much easier said than done! According to the Cleveland Clinic, it’s crucial to maintain warmth, connection, and open communication as much as possible while still following through on family rules and guidelines.

Perhaps one of the most important things is to get to know your child as an individual and base your parenting on their needs.

Growing In Grace as a Parent

Helicopter parenting isn’t the healthiest parenting style, and it’s also not the most harmful. It’s often a way for well-intentioned parents to give their kids the best chance they can at having a good life. But despite good intentions, this parenting style can be detrimental to child development and the parent-child relationship.

No parent is perfect, and no child is perfect. Christian parenting isn’t about perfection; it’s about allowing the love, grace, and discipline we experience from the Lord to flow through us and make a difference in our children’s lives.

Overly involved parenting can be a sign of heart issues, not just a need for parental behavior modification. When we take the time to delve into what’s motivating us, we might uncover fears, hurts from the past, or other issues affecting our ability to trust the Lord and walk in freedom and confidence as parents.

The good news is that there is so much freedom to be found on the other side of fear. We can embrace the love and guidance of God and know that He loves our children even more than we do. As we learn to set them free and let them go, we can grow in confidence that the Lord is the one who never lets either of us go.

If you need practical help in applying biblical principles to your parenting and avoiding helicopter parenting and other unhealthy parenting styles, please call our office today at (949) 386-7181 or contact us to schedule your first risk-free session. The trained counselors at Christian Counseling can walk with you on your sacred journey of parenting.

Resources: 
https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/what-is-helicopter-parenting/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/childhood-narcissism/202409/how-helicopter-parents-hurt-their-children
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/could-your-helicopter-parenting-actually-be-detrimental-to-your-childs-developmentPhoto:
“Dishes with Dad”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

How to Find the Best Therapist for You: Qualities That Make a Counselor Qualified

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I’ve gotten these questions as a therapist from several pending clients in many different situations over the years:

  • Are you an expert on this issue?
  • Have you worked with this before?
  • Are you just a regular professional therapist?
  • I’m not sure if you could help, can you?

It is a good question to ask. And a question coming from a pragmatic, caring heart, as you want yourself or someone you love, not to waste time but to experience healing and growth. So, in this article, I want to provide some introduction to what you can probably expect your therapist to know and how likely they are to help.

Therapist Training

Let’s first talk about the knowledge and training a therapist gains from the ground up, and what you can generally come to accept as standard for your experience across the board.

There are three basic differentiations for therapists by experience and training, like the levels in carpentry, which look like

  • Apprentice
  • Journeyman
  • Master carpenter

Therapist training levels are:

  • Trainee: like an apprentice learning the trade, supervised often by professors
  • Associate therapist: like a journeyman gaining experience, full-time practitioners, gaining supervision by professional therapists, often still pre-licensed
  • Licensed therapist: like a master carpenter, working under own license

This is the marriage and family therapy model of training classification, whereas other counseling professionals, like clinical counselors, social workers, and psychologists, may have slightly different education and classification than MFTs.

Like any profession, you can have brilliant and skilled technicians or not-so-brilliant or skilled practitioners at any level of training. But let’s start with trainees and ask the questions: Are you an expert, have you seen this, and can you help?

As a trained therapist trainee, one has received a variety of education and training around areas as diverse as child psychology and the study of aging along the lifespan, abnormal psychology regarding the study of all types of mental illnesses, and the study of what makes romantic partnerships and personal lives thrive and blossom versus fail.

All trainees have been reared in a number of different theories and philosophies, looking at what causes problems in human functioning. They are also trained in vehicles of change for the betterment of quality of life and the factors in therapy that are conducive to that growth.

You can have appointments with trainees and work with them, generally for lower fees than associates or licensed therapists, and specific benefits can range from their recent academic scholarship and research, the supervisors who really invest in their maturation, and so you have two brains working behind your care.

Trainees are often tremendously gifted individuals by nature who apply some of the common factors beautifully, as well as begin to grow more knowledge of certain specialized treatments.

Below are some of the common factors that describe what therapy looks like in every office and are generally considered factors that contribute to many healing outcomes:

Common Factors

Support

  • Catharsis
  • Identification with therapist
  • Mitigation of isolation
  • Positive relationship
  • Reassurance
  • Release of tension
  • Structure
  • Therapeutic alliance
  • Active participation of both therapist and client
  • Therapist expertise
  • Therapist warmth, respect, empathy, acceptance, genuineness
  • Trust

Learning

  • Advice
  • Affective experience
  • Assimilating problematic experiences
  • Cognitive learning
  • Corrective emotional experience
  • Feedback
  • Insight
  • Rationale
  • Exploration of the internal frame of reference
  • Changing expectations of personal effectiveness

Action

  • Behavioral regulation
  • Cognitive mastery
  • Encouragement to face fears
  • Taking risks
  • Mastery efforts
  • Modeling
  • Practice
  • Reality testing
  • Experiencing success
  • Working through

Therapists at all levels will be trained to apply these modes of thinking, feeling, relating, teaching, and modeling, which means most interactions, when things fit, are examples of dealing with an expert in modeling and shaping changed thinking, feeling, communicating, and behaving at some level.

Trainings And Credentials

Therapists at all levels can receive specialized training (as permitted by the presenters). In fact, I took training this last year for an evidence-based couples therapy approach that had me surrounded by psychologists with PhD’s, licensed MFTs, associates, trainees just beginning to see clients for the first time, many saying keenly insightful things.

Some training and methods can teach you theories that are evidence-based (meaning research studies have proven effective in achieving positive outcomes) or can have you trained in subject matter as general as child psychology or as specific as trauma-focused therapy with veterans.

Other training can lead to certification and credentials such as CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist), Addiction certified through organizations like National Certified Addiction Counselor, NAADAC, EMDR certified, or Gottman method certified, and those who pursue them often spend years and thousands of dollars on those specialties.

That shows a passion and a commitment to that subpopulation, which is a good sign if you’re a client (and probably means you’ll need to pay more for their services).

The next level of general training every therapist must progress to is that of an associate therapist. After a trainee graduates from their graduate program and has seen hundreds of hours of clients by then, they then apply for an associate number to begin seeing clients under the tutelage of a supervisor in a professional and paid relationship.

Therapists in this stage gain even more hours and end up with upwards of 1200 face-to-face session hours with a supervisor coaching them before and after, and countless more hours learning the trade, amounting to at least 3000 hours of training. Associates, on top of education, amass a lot of real training in the field.

Many of these associate therapists work in agencies or private practices under the license of their supervisor, so they are well monitored and guided by those supervising licensed therapists. During this time, they must acquire training in telehealth, ethics, suicide, and risk assessment, and often do many hours of extra training in these topics.

For example, the agencies I worked with during my associate period trained me intensively in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which is a model that largely helps clients who are dysregulated internally regulate, make effective choices, and increase mindfulness and flexibility.

I also was taught Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral therapy, which taught a method of working with traumatized children to assist them to grow in the ability to deshame themselves, notice their feelings and sensations, and process trauma in a suitable way that left them more able to continue with their lives. Then, with this trauma, I was able to implement the tools and techniques of those models and then be shaped and molded by my supervisors into a more adept practitioner with those tools.

What is the scope of competence versus the scope of practice?

Terms you may hear from a therapist are.

“That is not in my scope of practice.”

This means the therapist, and any therapist at any level or professional title, would not be equipped to deal with. To exaggerate, filing your taxes, giving you legal advice, or telling you how to reconstruct your porch would be out of a therapist’s scope of practice. However, it is harder to identify discrepancies would be giving medical advice, or usually prescribing medication (unless the therapist is a psychiatrist

What is within the scope of practice is trained listening, encouragement, discernment, interpersonal skill building, self-regulation skill building, insight development, crisis management, mindfulness, and thought process change toward truthfulness.

“That is within my scope of competence!”

This means the topic that you are bringing to the therapist is one that the therapist is well versed in and trained or experienced in more than the average therapist. For example, all therapists are trained to assist family members in healthier discussions, etc., but some therapists have a greater scope of competence than others, maybe to assist a family member dealing with a son with severe mental illness, which a different therapist might not be as competent in handling.

The last level of training is being licensed in your therapy field, such as a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), or licensed professional clinical counselor (LPCC). After completing the required hours and your associate phase, a therapist of any sort is now granted the privilege, in distinction from the professional boards of their state and or professional organizations, to conduct therapy on their own.

If the famous anthropologist Malcolm Gladwell is close to the truth about 10,000 hours of practice making someone an expert in something, then including the associate time of 3000 hours plus many hours of undergraduate and graduate education, any licensed therapist is pretty close or at least halfway to being an expert, or at least a skilled professional at handling mental, emotional, and social issues adeptly for the client.

And many issues overlap, and initial reasons for coming to therapy can often lead both the therapist and the client to see that there are other underlying things to be worked on. Therapists who engaged in different ways of becoming experienced can often see problem areas where they can apply what they know from different angles, whether it be a more researched approach, common sense, or general intuition and skillfulness at the therapist’s springs.

I, for example, have been shaped through training in different methods, life experience, overall years of clinical experience, outside interests in readings, psychological concepts, and how much time in my faith, reading the Bible, listening to sermons, and community, which speaks to the human experience.

So perhaps I may have a potential client who says their child with high functioning autism is really struggling and isolating due to social pressures in junior college as a forty-year-old attempting to be more self-sufficient.

I’ve never worked with a forty-year-old with autism, and I’m not considered an expert who has had countless training sessions and hours of experience. However, I know the client will need emotional regulation, some interpersonal skills, some acceptance and understanding of where to push to accept limits, and family support, just through general awareness and experience.

Hopefully, I’ve been able to show the spectrum of the kind of helpful care you will receive and things that you can look for and ask for to gain greater clarity. Overall, seeing anyone at any level in this field, it is likely you will be meeting with someone knowledgeable who can provide adequate supervision of your care.

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Healing from Body Shame

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Many people struggle with body image issues. “Body image is a combination of the thoughts and feelings that you have about your body.” In a UK study from 2019, it showed that “one in five adults (20%) felt shame, just over one-third (34%) felt down or low, and 19% felt disgusted because of their body image in the last year.”

Body image issues can lead to other significant mental health problems, such as eating disorders, depression, suicidal ideation, and anxiety disorders. Body image and body shame are a bit different, because people can have a healthy or positive body image. Body shame is a newer term, and it’s different from body-shaming, which is making fun of someone or mistreating them because of some flaw (real or perceived) on their body.

Body shame is treating yourself that way – feeling and believing your body isn’t good for whatever reason and mistreating yourself because of that. Mistreating it could look like extreme diet and exercise, talking badly about it, having eating disorders, excessive plastic or corrective surgeries, problematic drug or alcohol use, engaging in high-risk sexual activity, hiding your body, or not giving it what it needs for health.

Body shame could originate from several things. Past trauma (especially sexual), but also emotional and physical abuse, can lead to debilitating body shame. Being bullied or teased as a child and young adult and being compared to others with different body types, can cause it. Constant social media or pictures of celebrities with “ideal” body types, perpetual and unwanted singleness, or a lot of unwanted romantic or sexual attention can also lead to body shame.

This is an issue with which so many struggle, and they are scared to talk about it. But it’s possible to begin healing from body shame, to begin seeing your body as good, no matter what it looks like. This article will only scratch the surface, and professional counseling may be the best route to work through all of it, but these are some steps to heal from body shame.

Healing from Body Shame

As you work through these steps, jot your feelings and thoughts down in a notebook. If you decide to get counseling for body shame, this notebook will help facilitate discussions between you and your counselor.

Create a timeline of the history of body shame

When was the first time you felt shame about your body or being in your own skin? Write out every single moment that stands out from childhood until now, every moment that you felt like you hated or despised your body. Think about the reason what that experience meant to you. Was it abusive in any way? Was it traumatic? Name everything that comes to mind.

Think about how you were hurt/ what you felt then

As you do this, with each memory, consider what you felt in that moment. Di you feel confusion, shame, embarrassment, loneliness, sadness, or anger? What did you feel then and what do you feel now as you remember? How was this situation hurtful? What was so hurtful about it?

What did you believe then

Next, think about what you believed then about the situation, the other people involved, and your body. This could have been the result of something someone said or how they acted toward you, but what belief began to take root? Were there any times you believed positive things about your body? When was that and what was that like?

What do you believe now

What do you believe now? Do you believe any of those negative things about your body today? Why or why not? Do you believe any positive things? What are those positive things? What do you like and dislike about your body? Name it all, no matter how difficult this may be. It’s important to be completely honest with yourself about it because honesty and vulnerability are ways people can heal from any type of shame.

Center on truth

Just because you think it doesn’t make it true, and just because someone said it to you or about you doesn’t make it true. What is true is that your body is good. When God made man and woman, he said they were good. That doesn’t just include their souls. It means everything, body and soul. It’s possible to begin believing your body is good, no matter its state or how it looks.

Truth doesn’t ignore the unhealthy things, though. If your body is unhealthy in any way, it’s important to recognize this truth and not ignore it. But you don’t want to slip into extreme mistreatment of your body because of negative thoughts and feelings. You want to center on the truth that your body is good.

Work toward forgiveness of those who’ve hurt you

It’s never okay to mistreat someone because of their body shape, size, or anything about their appearance. This is body-shaming and often abusive. Most of the time, it’s because of something someone did or said to you that led you to feel shame about your body. You’ve been able to identify what it was that hurt you most.

Now it’s time to move toward forgiveness. They might not have ever apologized for the wrong they did to you and may never. But holding that hurt and anger toward them will only hurt you more. It’s time to be free of the hold they have on you. Spend time practicing forgiveness.

Write out “I forgive _________ for ____________” in your journal, then speak each one out loud. It may take months or years to forgive repeatedly, but it’s an important step in your healing.

Move toward acceptance and healthy self-care

Self-acceptance and self-compassion are the highest goals here, because compassion is another way to break through shame. Spend some time treating your body as though it were good. Write positive affirmations on your mirror. Keep those same affirmations around your home or where you see them often. Tell them to yourself over and over again. Look in full-length mirrors at yourself and smile at yourself in the mirror.

Buy (and wear) clothes that flatter your body. Take good care of your body by eating healthy and exercising regularly. Prioritize rest. Moderate your alcohol consumption and don’t misuse substances. The goal here is not to be military-like, obsessive, or even shallow with yourself, but to treat your body as if it were good. What would it mean for you to accept the fact that your body is good and for you to treat it that way?

Set boundaries with people who continue to mistreat you

This may be one of the hardest steps because you’ll have to confront people. It’s only worth it to do this with people whom you want to remain in your life. You can share with them how you felt (or feel) when they said or did (or present tense) whatever hurts you and leads you to feel shame about your body. “I feel ____ when you _____.” Or “please stop saying ______ about my body. I don’t like it, and it makes me feel ______.” Or “I’m choosing to believe the best about myself.”

If they are presently saying negative things about your body, it will be up to you to stand up for yourself. This is a way of treating your body like it’s good. Consider what boundary you’d like to put in place. For example, never talk about physical appearance with a specific person or not shopping with that person. It could be that you decide to only talk positively about your body and others’ bodies around that person.

Whatever your boundary, you’ll need to communicate it to the one who keeps hurting you. If that person continues to disrespect the boundaries you have in place, you may choose to spend less time with them altogether. They aren’t proving to be safe people, and it’s difficult to heal from body shame with unsafe people in your life. Meeting with a counselor can help you know how to set boundaries with others to protect yourself from further shame.

Body shame doesn’t have to ruin your life. You can fight back. You can heal and believe your body is good, and you can treat it like it’s good, too. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help from a compassionate counselor so you can fully heal from body shame.

References:
https://nedc.com.au/eating-disorders/eating-disorders-explained/body-image/
https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/publications/body-image-report/exec-summary#:~:text=New%20body%20image%20statistics,-New%20online%20surveys&text=One%20in%20five%20adults%20(20,image%20in%20the%20last%20year.

Photos:
“Woman on the Beach”, Courtesy of Dan Torres, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Woman on the Beach”, Courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Woman on the Beach”, Courtesy of Darko Trajkovic, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

How to Not Give In to Depression After a Breakup

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Feeling sad after a breakup is a normal reaction. You invested time, money, and emotions into a relationship that did not work out. Perhaps the breakup came as a surprise or had been a long time coming. What’s important now is not to give in to depression after a breakup.

Depression After Breakup: How to Protect Yourself from Getting Stuck

A breakup is a loss, and you may experience the five stages of grief as you navigate the first few days and months. You may experience denial or shock, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. To keep from getting stuck in the depression stage after a breakup, protect your mental health and well-being.

The following are several tips for protecting yourself from depression after a breakup.

Confide in a trusted friend

You need the support of a trusted friend or family member right now. Someone you can confide in and who will hold your hand while you process your emotions. Listen to them if they want to share their experience with depression after a breakup or offer advice.

Find a support group

The knee-jerk reaction after a breakup is to seclude away. But what you need now is support. Depression and grief support groups are excellent for providing participants with first-hand experience and tips for moving past heartache. You can find local and virtual groups online or check with your community center or local public library.

Consider counseling

Counseling can teach you the strategies and skills to process the breakup, accept your new reality, and make plans for the future. Counseling can help if you need to heal from trauma, abuse, neglect, abandonment, or feelings of low self-worth. The methods shared equip you with lifelong techniques to get over any obstacle.

Distance yourself from your ex

The old saying, “Out of sight, out of mind,” comes in handy after a breakup. You need at least a few weeks of distance from your ex as you process and heal. Don’t follow them on social media or in real life. If you must see them, try to keep your distance and only talk when necessary, such as when coparenting.

Dive into creative pursuits

Dive back into the activities that make you happy. Pursue creative outlets that allow you to express your feelings. For example, painting, sculpting, writing songs or short stories, crocheting, and playing a musical instrument are all ways you can express yourself. Make time for creative pursuits and hobbies to boost your mood and overall well-being.

Acknowledge your feelings, but don’t stay there

It’s important to acknowledge your feelings, but don’t stay there. You need to feel those emotions to work through them, but remaining stuck will not help you move forward. Consider journaling your thoughts and emotions. Journaling permits you to record your most vulnerable thoughts and distance yourself from them, promoting healing.

Exercise to feel better

People exercise to feel better about themselves externally and internally. Heart-pumping exercise triggers the release of endorphins and other brain chemicals, such as serotonin and dopamine. This release leaves you feeling happier and confident. Exercise also lowers cortisol, the stress hormone, and regulates mood.

Christian Counseling in Huntington Beach, CA

Talk therapy and other psychological methods are effective for managing depression after a breakup. Schedule a session with a Christian counselor in Huntington Beach, California to receive an assessment and discuss the skills and strategies you need to move forward. Contact us today at Huntington Beach, California, to learn more.

Photo:
“Wildflowers”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

6 Common Symptoms of Depression in Men You Should Know

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The symptoms of depression in men take many forms, which may not be the same as the symptoms in women. You may not be aware that you are depressed but feel that something is “off.” As many as six million suffer in the US with depression each year. Often, their symptoms go unnoticed, or they refuse treatment.

Do not be one of the millions. Do not be a statistic. Seek help for your symptoms of depression as soon as possible.

Symptoms of Depression in Men to Know

Wondering what might be wrong? Feeling out of sorts lately? Perhaps you have something on your mind worrying you, but you do not feel like it’s depression because it’s not accompanied by the persistent sadness you have read about in articles like this one.

Not all symptoms of depression in men affect everyone the same. Some of these symptoms can seem unrelated, but a counselor can help determine if what you are experiencing is true depression. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling provides professional support to help men identify and manage depression in a compassionate, faith-based setting.

The following is a list of common symptoms of depression in men.

Irritability, Anger, or Mood Swings

Men who are depressed may not realize that is the problem, and often, depression itself is a symptom of a much larger issue or unresolved conflict. This can present itself as anger, irritability, or mood swings. Do you find yourself irritable over minor offenses? Are your loved one’s pet peeves bothering you more than usual?

Headaches

Headaches, stomachaches, and unexplained body aches could be a symptom of depression in men. Anxiety and worry cause tension, which can lead to headaches and digestive issues. Heartburn and acid reflux could result from excess stress. Talk with your physician about the best treatment plan for headaches, body aches, and stomach pain in combination with your depression treatment plan.

Appetite Changes

If you reach for food when you are not hungry or forget to eat meals, you may be struggling with another depression symptom. Depression can impact ghrelin and leptin, the hunger hormones. Suddenly, you may think you are hungry when you have just eaten or you may go for several hours without food because you do not feel hungry.

Weight Changes

Due to the changes in hunger hormones and behavior regarding food, your weight may rapidly increase or decrease. You may see a drastic change in the scale or the fit of your clothes. Rapid weight changes could also be the symptom of a physical issue, so check with your physician to rule out any medical conditions.

Escapist Behaviors

Men are more likely to turn to escapist behaviors while depressed compared to women. Escapist behaviors can include playing video games for much longer than is normal, abusing substances, or watching pornography. These behaviors are a way to escape from the current reality.

Suicidal Thoughts

Depression can affect sleep and the ability to concentrate on tasks. These symptoms compounded can lead to suicidal thoughts. If you are thinking about harming yourself, reach out immediately for help.

Getting Help for Depression in Huntington Beach

Do you recognize any of the above symptoms of depression in men? Do you or someone you love struggle with depression? Contact us today at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to schedule an appointment with a Christian counselor in Huntington Beach, California.

You do not have to suffer. We can help by connecting you with a counselor in Huntington Beach who specializes in depression symptoms. Get started today by calling the number on this site or filling out an online contact form.

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“Alpine Lake”, Courtesy of Jonny Gios, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

What is Therapy Like? An Inner Look at the Therapy Office Experience

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If you are asking yourself “What therapy is like?” then this article is for you. It takes an inner look at the therapy office experience and the many differences you find behind each door. With all the differences, it can make it difficult to decide how, when, and what therapy to start with.

That’s okay, there are tools for that as well (see “Individual Choice” section). There are not only differences between therapies and therapists but also unique phases of therapy each client goes through. It all comes down to individual choices. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling offers personalized support, helping clients navigate their unique therapy journey with compassion and care.

Differences

Certain techniques of therapy fit certain people. There is no one-size-fits-all. In order not to make this a textbook-sized article, the following are over-simplifications of different types of therapy, including some highlights of the most used therapies out there such as DBT, CBT, somatic, psychodynamic, etc. Just as a reminder, this is an oversimplification.

Commonly used therapies

DBT, ACT, CBT. basically brain training. The concepts are black-and-white, plug-and-play techniques that have proven to work for many people. There’s a lot of talking, but a lot of formulas being plugged into throughout.

Somatic

Body and brain training. The concepts connect the whole brain, but the focus is on the reptilian portion and therapists work through experience exercises that can range from holding onto the edge of a table to jumping off a tower into a foam pit.

Psychodynamic

Here’s where you talk it out and see where things go. Most offices really do have a couch, and some people lie down on it.

Online vs. in-person

Youth

The entertainment factor is a must to consider how well they can engage/be attentive (so don’t be surprised if there is more of a play approach), there’s a certain age limit for the general therapist out there.

Adults

Psychological disconnect (no replacement for in-person), but otherwise no difference is shown in short-term studies (in other words, real work can still be done online).

Social: male/female, religious/nonreligious, race

Male/female

You may not have a preference, or you may feel strongly about it. It will be an easy choice for some individuals. As a couple, it may be more difficult to navigate the first-time choices of a male or female.

The most important question is whether you have had major trauma involving one gender to another. Either way, it’s going to be a case-by-case basis where one gender or another could change your mind on the issue just because of how they naturally fit your case.

Religious/non-religious

Similar to male/female considerations – the couple’s work makes this more of a factor than for individuals since couples may not be in the same space religiously and will need to find the best middle ground.

For individuals, the benefit of a particular religious background is an understanding of vocabulary and context to certain sensitivities. Otherwise, no matter the religious background, it is likely the therapist has worked with both religious and nonreligious alike.

Race

Again, you may not have a preference, but similar to the above, race can be an identifying factor in who you want to see and open up to in the experience of therapy.

The phases

The beginning phase

The beginning phase is when the introductions happen. No matter the level of intensity of the problem, this phase typically has little change overall. It is in this phase where the problem can be closely examined, and the client can work to get used to the therapist and the therapist can get to know the client. Typically, if any progress is made in this stage, there will be a temptation to quit too early before the lasting work is done.

The working phase

This phase can be the most uncomfortable for the client. It is in this phase where challenges to the client’s routine/habits are made. It is the time when the reality of the situation shows and the going gets tough. It is important to advocate for yourself during this phase, so the therapist can adjust their approach accordingly.

The end phase

This phase can be difficult for some, but in general, this is where progress is reviewed, game plans for future trouble are made, and final check-ins take place before saying goodbye to therapy. This may mean that progress has been made and therapy is no longer needed. However, this may also occur before transferring to a new type of support.

Individual choice

Overall, therapy is an individual choice. With no guarantees offered, the success of it depends on multiple factors. Your individual choices are not only what type of therapy you will try, but also what type of therapist you want to meet with. Another individual choice is when you want to enter and exit therapy.

Regarding couples therapy, it should be kept in mind that there is no such thing as shotgun therapy. Should a spouse not be committed to the relationship, even for a short time for the sake of trying therapy, there should be no couples therapy

Keeping these choices in mind is important in helping you sift through the options of therapists and therapies out there. If it becomes more overwhelming to make the decision yourself, reach out to our reception team at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling or 424-438-2888 and let them know so they can help you find the best place to start.

Photos:
“Relaxing”, Courtesy of Coen Stall, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Naptime”, Courtesy of Adrian Swancar, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Counseling”, Courtesy of TienDat Nguyen, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Knowing the Signs of a Toxic Relationship

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Relationships take various forms, and they go through their own peaks and valleys, just as with the rest of life. In a marriage, for instance, the couple might move from the honeymoon phase and into a season of financial hardship that tests their ability to resolve conflict and problem-solve. Some couples will struggle with that, while others will deal with the conflict and difficult circumstances in a healthy manner.

Again, couples go through all sorts of things, and many healthy relationships will face challenges, sometimes with mixed results. However, the mark of healthy relationships is that they don’t remain in a state of conflict, nor do they endlessly repeat the same mistakes without learning or growing from them.

In other words, difficult seasons will come, but healthy relationships weather those storms through mutual respect, affection, good conflict management skills, and so on.

In other relationships, what’s lacking are these same hallmarks of a healthy relationship. These toxic relationships are a hotbed of simmering conflict – one or both partners are in constant fight or flight mode, and they are not happy or fulfilled. There can be toxic patterns in a relationship, but a toxic relationship is one in which those patterns are a feature, not a bug in the system. Below are a few signs to look out for that might point to your relationship as being toxic. If you find yourself in such a relationship, seeking support through Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you navigate these challenges.

Emotional detachment in a toxic relationship.

In a healthy relationship, the partners are emotionally connected and vulnerable to one another. They share themselves, offer one another validation, and show that they care for each other in various ways. Emotional detachment can happen for a season, say for instance if one partner is in a time crunch at work. However, sharing one’s feelings with their partner is what makes for a healthy relationship. Emotional detachment can happen in various ways, including:

You don’t celebrate each other’s wins. In a healthy relationship, the couple supports one another and celebrates their respective wins. If the atmosphere in the relationship is one where your wins aren’t celebrated, and possibly where an air of competition reigns, that could be problematic.

Negative spontaneous emotional reactions. Your partner’s gut-level impressions of you, such as whether they like you or find you interesting, or whether they think you are competent, or how you might compare to other people – all these can point to the health of your relationship. A relationship dominated by spontaneous negative emotional reactions is a cause for concern.

Lack of self-disclosure. Relationship health is supported by emotional self-disclosure, where you are vulnerable with, listen to, and mutually support each other. Sharing your important feelings within the relationship matters, as does listening well and being responsive to such self-disclosures. If this interplay of sharing and listening well is absent from the relationship, it is cause for concern.

Few positive non-verbal behaviors. We speak with more than just our words. We can use touch, our faces, our bodies, and the tone of our voices to communicate alongside our words. A relational environment where there are few positive non-verbal behaviors such as smiles, laughter, hugging, etc., might point to an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship.

It’s also important to ask yourself if the dominant tone of your relationship is one of affirmation or criticism. Of course, we don’t always get things right, but if your spouse is constantly criticizing you – how you dress, how you look, speak, act, and so on, that’s not a healthy situation. Emotional detachment, if it becomes a habit, signals the deterioration of a relationship, and it needs to be addressed.

A lack of safety in a toxic relationship.

In a relationship, it’s important for you and your children to feel safe. Safety can be emotional or physical safety. With emotional safety, do you feel able to express your emotions without feeling judged or like you’re failing somehow? Do you feel like people care how you feel, and that your emotions are taken into consideration?

Physical safety can be compromised if you’re threatened with violence, or if resources such as food, clothing, health care, and shelter are held at ransom. Relationships marked by the lack of safety are likely toxic.

No boundaries or boundaries are repeatedly violated

Boundaries are important for the health of any relationship. Boundaries signal that each person has their own personality and needs, and respecting those boundaries shows consideration and promotes individual integrity. Boundaries can center around finances, privacy, use of time, friendships, sex, and much else.

If in your relationship you either don’t have boundaries or the boundaries you set are violated repeatedly, it may signal a toxic relationship. Each relationship needs boundaries to prevent it from slipping into codependency or other similar dysfunction, and when boundaries are violated, there need to be consequences. Repeated violations of reasonable boundaries display a fundamental lack of respect that needs to be remedied.

Constant cover-ups in a toxic relationship.

Spouses often cover for one another. This can happen for a variety of reasons, including not wanting them to look bad, or wanting to spare them from something uncomfortable or humiliating. There is a line between that and covering up bad behavior for them so that they escape accountability, or so that truth about them doesn’t get out.

If you find yourself often covering up for your partner because they were drunk, rude, physically, or verbally abusive, and so on, that points to a toxic relationship dynamic. You shouldn’t be part of their personal PR and cleanup crew, and covering up for them reveals unhealthy (possibly codependent) dynamics in the relationship.

Lack of freedom in a toxic relationship.

In a meaningful relationship with our significant other, we should feel the most accepted and loved within that space. When we are with our friends, these are supposed to be the people that get us, that understand our weirdness and welcome us, nonetheless. In our family, that space above others is where we ought to feel appreciated, loved for who we are, and feel that our best interests are high up on the agenda.

If you feel that you don’t have freedom in your relationship, it’s possibly problematic. Possibly problematic because sometimes we want more freedom than we ought to get, like a teenager wanting to stay out way beyond what their parent thinks is wise, or if a spouse wants the freedom to commit adultery.

Rather, the freedom in mind here relates to things like feeling the freedom to be yourself, to make mistakes, to be with people such as your friends and family. It’s a problem when you’re constantly criticized for being who you are, if any mistakes you make are closely scrutinized while those of others aren’t, or if you get isolated from people such as your family and friends.

You should be able to meet with your family and hang with your friends, but when your partner wants to isolate you, it’s a sign of toxicity and may be a prelude to other abusive behaviors.

A lack of mutuality in a toxic relationship.

At the heart of a relationship is what you do for each other. You celebrate one another; you are there for one another during your tough times; you rebuke one another when there is a need for it, you forgive each other for mistakes that you make, you take on responsibilities to help one another flourish, and you each make compromises for the sake of the other.

If you find yourself in a situation where this is flowing in one direction, that could be a sign of a toxic relationship. A lack of mutuality in a relationship is a cause for concern that you should take seriously. There ought to be a healthy give and take within the relationship, and while things are never balanced equally, there should be some level of reciprocity in how you do things in your relationship.

It cannot be that only one person constantly needs to be forgiven, that one person is the one who makes the compromises, or that only one person needs rebuke. A relationship is the coming together of equals, and that means each of you must receive dignity, respect, and consideration.

Conclusion

If you detect these signs of toxicity in your relationship, having a conversation with your partner about them can help you begin addressing the issue. With the help of a Christian Counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling, you can turn a toxic relationship around, but it needs you both to show up and put in the work.

Photos:
“Holding Hands”, Courtesy of Shelby Deeter, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Hugs”, Courtesy of Candice Picard, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “I give you my heart”, Courtesy of Kelly Sikkema, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Holding Hands”, Courtesy of Pablo Heimplatz, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

4 Steps to Healthy Weight Management

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Most people desire to make changes to their health and usually begin with wanting to lose weight. They have a vision and a goal number they want to see on the scale so they set goals and action steps to reach this weight loss.

Often, however, many individuals may reach their goals but then find that the weight loss doesn’t last. Or, they may not know the exact steps that are required for them to reach their weight loss goals. Instead, they find themselves on a rollercoaster without consistency. What is the missing piece? Seeking guidance from professionals, like the Huntington Beach Christian Counseling, to help you develop a sustainable plan and stay motivated.

Having healthy weight management.

If you’re thinking about making changes to maintaining your weight, it can be a difficult road to find what is best for you, your body, and your lifestyle. The majority of our thoughts are centered around the foods we choose and how much we exercise. While this is true, there are missing components to successfully find balance and ease with being able to maintain healthy stability.

Having a healthy weight management goal instead of a weight loss goal may just be the perspective shift you have been looking for all along! When you focus on what healthy weight management looks like for you, you can be set free from needing to try different diets or setting a goal weight because you begin to understand what is right for your body naturally.

In this article, you are going to learn four steps to find and successfully implement lasting healthy weight management.

Step One: Understanding your digestive health

Your digestive health is the first place you need to look when it comes to your ability to manage a healthy weight. In the context of weight management, the amount of stress you are dealing with, the number of inflammatory foods you are consuming, and the overall health of your gut are paramount and also work in tandem.

Your digestion begins before actually eating food as it relates to external factors like stress and anxiety that unknowingly greatly affect how your foods are digested. Additionally, if your diet consists of food high in sugar or processed, your gut lining and proper functions of your digestion will be impaired due to the constant state of inflammation.

This is what can cause unhealthy cravings or addiction to sugary foods. When you learn to choose the right foods that are anti-inflammatory and eat for your digestion, you’ll immediately see improvements and see your body remarkably adapt to its natural healthy state.

Step Two: Define what is healthy management

As above-mentioned, focusing on setting a healthy weight management goal instead of a weight loss goal will help you in the long run. Every day we are bombarded with advertisements, promotions, and sales for healthy foods, products, supplements, and diets. Through social media channels, magazines with headlines on the front cover, or even if you ask Google what is healthy management, it’s very noisy!

What happens is that all of the images, phrases, diets, and advertisements that we see, subconsciously begin to build the wrong impression of what is right and true for your health. It becomes easier to focus on all of the things you “should” be doing instead of learning, knowing, and understanding what is right for you and your body. The key factor is to read between the lines and find what you need for your health.

How do you do this?

The answer is to set a goal for success. Before you begin a new health journey, ask yourself these four questions:

  1. What does my desired weight management look like?
  2. How will I know when I am successfully managing my health?
  3. What is my desired look, feel, and lifestyle?
  4. Why am I choosing to focus on maintaining my weight?

When you take the time to ask yourself these four questions, you are setting yourself up for success before you even begin. What happens is that most individuals want to choose better foods, make changes to their eating and exercise habits, and immediately jump into the new diet that everyone is speaking about, such as the one that promised instant results that you read about on the magazine cover while waiting in line at the grocery.

So because this is all the craze, many people rush into then buying those suggested ingredients, supplements, or diet plans without truly preparing for the course that aligns with long-term sustainability.

Maintaining a healthy weight goes beyond the food choices and amounts of exercise because it has everything to do with your reasons, definitions, and lifestyle. If you never measure what success in this area means to you, how will you know when you have reached it?

If you do a personal inventory, you may already be maintaining your weight from a goal you set years ago, but without knowing what it looked like back then, it’s easy to want to keep doing new things because without realizing that you already met your initial goal.

When you consider what asking yourself these four questions means to you, you will start to see the connection between the how, what, why, and your will. These four questions are pivotal in helping you set your vision and determine what steps are needed to help you reach your goals. Coupled with a better understanding of your digestive health, you’ll be empowered to choose the right foods for long-term health rather than short-term satisfaction.

Step Three: Find an activity you love to do

One of the largest areas where people “fall off the wagon” is not loving what they were committed to doing, especially in the area of exercise. Most people end up feeling less motivated because it resembles a chore that interrupts their day and must be done. When you find an activity you love to do, your inspiration is automatic and you end up excited about it, becoming naturally committed.

When it comes to exercise, try an activity that is something new and different. Notice the change in words from exercise to activity. Placing your focus on a daily activity also changes your perspective from it feeling like a chore. Make small commitments then increase your frequency over time. When trying a new activity and you realize you don’t like that one you picked, try something new. Exercise does not have to be hours on a treadmill or doing squats.

Finding new trails in nature with gorgeous views. You can even try switching up the times you decide to commit to your activity and couple it with a benefit, much like going on a walk to go watch the sun rise or set. Consider trying a new sport and joining a league like rowing, softball, or volleyball. Sometimes when you reflect on a sport you used to play when you were young, you may find you are inspired to pick it back up as an adult. What is on your list to try?

Step Four: Fight those negative thoughts

Another contributing factor to why it is difficult to maintain a healthy weight is because we let our thoughts and words defeat us. Sometimes when it comes to not seeing progress as soon as one thought would happen allows an open door for negativity, frustration, and setbacks to enter in.

When you act upon the four questions you attached to your goal (hint: see step two), you end up staying committed to the lifestyle goal you are seeking instead of the feelings when you let negativity lead.

With that said, when you surrender your health to God’s power, you can maintain anything when you rely upon His strength. Another encouragement is to study Scriptures that reflect your goals and partner with the Holy Spirit to pour out His ability for you to stay committed to your health management goals.

If you are looking to take these four steps in a practical way, consider coaching. When you work with a coach, you get to discover and design your goals through a series of questions to help you get clear on your vision and steps. Not only do you get to make a step-by-step plan with a coach, but you also get to work alongside them as they help guide you through each step to make sure you are on track to reaching your goals and that you stay in line with your vision.

Contact me today if this article resonated with you and if you want to explore the benefits of coaching when it comes to maintaining your healthy weight, with the support of Christian Counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling.

Photos:
“Weighing out the Beans”, Courtesy of Tyler Nix, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Fruit Breakfast”, Courtesy of Jannis Brandt, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Watermelon Smile”, Courtesy of Caju Gomes, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Planning”, Courtesy of KOBU Agency, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Porn: The World’s Most Powerful Addiction

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Many people are praying to God, “HELP ME!” They are screaming inside of themselves for help with their addiction to pornography. Porn is the number one addiction in the world, way more than any drug or vice known to man. It does not take much research to learn that this industry is making hundreds of billions of dollars around the world.

Cell phones and the internet have made it easy for anyone to make a few clicks and be instantly connected with someone else. Pornography also has different channels of enticing many others, for example: collect calls with random call girls, strip clubs, movies, magazines, TikTok, apps, games, etc. Porn is not just on the internet, it is everywhere.

Unfortunately, this industry takes no prisoners and makes a fortune while at it. The porn industry is ruining marriages, getting professionals fired, hurting families’ finances, and destroying people’s faith. To discover what can we do about it we must understand why it is so powerful. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling is available to help you work through these issues and regain control over your life.”

First, it involves other people. The truest form of intimacy is to be completely naked with someone else and spend time with them. Being naked with someone is the greatest form of invitation to connect with them and it produces chemicals in our bodies that create an emotional high.

In Genesis 2:15 the Bible reads “it is not good for man to be alone.” God tells us that we are designed to connect with others. God gave us social relationships to bond. He also gave us families to live with and create beautiful memories in the home. Marriage is, without a doubt, the most intimate relationship in the physical world.

Marriage is a bond where you know your spouse’s greatest strengths but also can see them in their most vulnerable state. That is why many want to be married because they want to cherish those moments with that special someone. Unfortunately, we at times can rely on vices to try to give us this “fix” to somehow replace that type of intimacy.

This is why porn is so addictive. It’s not like a substance with which you don’t have an emotional bond with. If your substance is spilled or broken, you may get mad, but you just go ahead and buy some more. But the emotional bond that you can get with seeing someone else naked and in a vulnerable sex position is bizarrely bonding.

I can speak from a man’s point of view that men who are addicted to porn have a tough time bonding with anyone. While they spend hours involved in their vice, they do not realize that they are losing connection with others.

So, what can we do? Connect with the same gender consistently and constantly. In 2 Samuel 11, you will read the story of King David who took time off from his busy military campaign. He sent his army to go off to battle while he remained in the palace all alone. We know from Genesis that it’s not good for man to be alone.

So having idle time, he goes out wandering and notices a beautiful woman bathing. She is naked and David is struck by that vulnerable connection. What King David should’ve done is go back inside his home and be sexually intimate with Abigail, his wife. They were married in 1 Samuel 25. It’s a wonderful and beautiful love story.

But David is not content over the many years of battle. He is worn down and tired. No one can blame him for taking some time off. However, this move by David was selfish because not only did he have wives, but he also had many concubines. 2 Samuel 5:13 tells us that David had both concubines and wives who bore him sons and daughters. This man was having lots of sex.

Why did he want to sleep with Bathsheba? A conqueror always wants to conquer more – they are never satisfied. They could be satisfied with God, their family, and themselves. But when we are giving ourselves over to our vices, we are communicating that we are unsatisfied. We think we are incomplete – not whole.

David was not completely satisfied. His greed wanted more. This mirrors greatly how individuals get addicted to porn. Fifteen minutes leads to one hour. One hour is not enough and that ends up to multiple hours. Then it turns into an entire day and then sadly to a lifetime. Why do you think people can’t just give it up?

The real reason is that the mind has been trained to be reliant on false images in an emotional way. Emotions are fire and they guide us so powerfully. A nation can change by having empathy for one incident. A nation can go into war because they learned of something that triggered the government.

I once saw a movie called Equilibrium that whose premise was if we had no emotions then there would be no more wars and murder. Maybe so. But who wants to live an emotionless life? Nobody. We all want to be free to live our lives as we want. However, emotions can lead us astray and we must break that cycle.

I mentioned in the earlier two paragraphs that getting help from the same gender is key. In 2 Samuel 12, God sends Nathan, a prophet, to correct David’s way of thinking. Why not send a woman? Or a family member? Remember that David involved his “secret service” and his main generals so who would stand up to this mighty King? A man of God. That’s who.

A man of God will help another man become a man of God. This is key in many support groups dealing with addiction because you can’t have a mixed-gender group talking about porn addiction. It wouldn’t be appropriate. Men wouldn’t feel comfortable describing their fetishes with another woman when an actual woman is staring right at them.

It wouldn’t work. So, a man would need another man to listen, confirm and challenge him as part of his sobriety plan. Same for a woman though. A woman shouldn’t be open to a man about her struggles watching porn online. It wouldn’t be a productive talk. A woman may be best suited to talk to another woman to get help. Don’t get me wrong. It’s wonderful for spouses to support each other in their struggles. But it’s best to leave the heavy lifting to the same gender.

Same-gender help is crucial. David would only have listened to a man who had deeper convictions than him. Earlier in King David’s life, he had such a friend by the name of Jonathan. Jonathan and David had many adventures together as they were more than brothers. The bond these men had was unbreakable only by death. Sadly, Jonathan is killed in battle and David mourns for him.

In 2 Samuel 1:25-26 David states “I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother, you were very dear to me, your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women”. You see that David’s heart is real and open about how close these men were. They were born in battle. The wars and adventures they fought there together helped them respect each other to a point where their bond was so tight that no one could interfere.

Just like David we are all capable of having such deep and rich friendships. It takes a lot of work. It’s not easy to be in battles day in and day out. However, if we decide to join in battle with one another then we can help each other have victories.

What great battle is there like the war with porn addiction? It’s a beast. Humiliating, depressing, sad, and hopeless. Therefore, we need those Jonathans in our lives to help us grieve, process, and seek help to overcome our issues. We cannot overcome porn addiction on its own. We need help and not just any help, but the help from someone who is the same gender that is willing to keep us accountable.

This is challenging because we don’t want to be called to a different standard, so we want to keep those defenses up. However, in my many years as a professional, and can only tell you that the secret to the success of many leaving this addiction behind is simply getting constant and consistent training from someone who has deep convictions on this issue.

Don’t expect to get much help from someone who is struggling with the same thing. They can be an encouragement and support, but the true catalyst will be the one with deep conviction because they’ve proved themselves capable of staying sober. We need to learn from them and follow in their footsteps. That is the way we are going to get out of this pit.

My question to you is, who is your Jonathan in your life? Maybe you’re not the one who’s addicted but you want to help. Are you someone that can help others? If so, set up a support group and invite people to learn. Please feel free to use this as a launching pad to start helping others who are enslaved to this vice.

If you are looking for someone else, find out if there’s a group, a minister, or a mentor who can help your friend out. This issue is not only for men. My wife, who helps counsel and mentor women, has told me that women are falling into this trap as well. My wife doesn’t tell me specifics or mentions names of course but she tells me that she is shocked to learn that many women are also dealing with this.

According to Psychology Today, statistics say that about 45% of women watch pornography with their partner and about 35% percent on their own. The thing with watching porn once though is that with or without a partner, the craving continues, and once is not enough. It is spiritual cancer that destroys men’s and women’s lives all over the world. That’s the bad news.

The good news is that it can be overcome with help – help in form of the same-gender partnering with those people to have victories in their lives. Let’s not look down on men because that won’t help. Let’s also not look down on women for struggling.

Let’s help one another to get to the root of the issue, which is accountability. We need best friends to talk to and be open. That’s the definition of true intimacy. We want to know and be known, so let’s practice it and marvel at the changes we see in their lives. Then they will see no need for fake intimacy when they can experience the real thing. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can also support you in building healthier relationships. God Bless!

Photos:
“Anguish”, Courtesy of Alex Iby, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Laptop”, Courtesy of Glenn Carstens-Peters, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Weighed Down”, Courtesy of Jon Tyson, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Romantic Sunset”, Courtesy of Nathan Dumlao, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

How to Recognize Binge Eating Disorder

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Sixteen year-old Addison has a great, loving family and plenty of friends. She excels in school and is also very active in the church’s youth department and in sports as well. Addison’s issues are deep within, however. She has trouble expressing her emotions and therefore struggles alone in her sadness and insecurities.

When the day is done and the night closes in, as everyone else sleeps, Addie feels drawn to the kitchen area. The day’s stresses fade away as she begins to relax over the food she finds there. From cookies, chips, and cake to a gallon of chocolate ice cream, she eats all she can manage to get her hands upon. Then she makes her way to her bedroom where more snacks she’s stashed await her.

At first, Addy experiences relief as she eats. She does not, however, enjoy feeling powerless over the situation and not in control. Once she realizes the amount of food she’s eaten, she is overridden with shame. Addy swears to herself that she will never repeat the action again. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling offers support for individuals like Addy, helping them address their struggles with compassion and understanding.

She tries to live up to her promise but cannot. The cycle continues, over and over again. Every time she feels stressed out, she uses food for an outlet. She has no clue what to do about her situation or who to turn to. She doubts anyone would understand. She feels extremely along and afraid.

Brady has just turned thirteen. He’s known as a nice kid and he is also the joker of the classroom. He’s got friends but isn’t at all secure in himself or his friendships. He is always paranoid that his friends will decide they don’t like him anymore due to something he says or does.

His jokes are just a cover for his fear. Food is one thing he can rely upon to give him the happiness he is longing for. When sad, stressed, or bored, food is always there to lift him up and offer him relief, at least temporarily.

It wasn’t until Brady got into therapy that he realized the connection between food and his feelings. He knew he was drawn to food, but prior to therapy, he didn’t know the full implications and how very serious the situation was. When he felt he was not in control, he knew he could eat food and he’d feel better, if only for a moment.

The eating then turned to shame, especially when comments were made about his love for food by his parents. His eating caused him to gain weight which prompted bullying by his peers. The situation eventually escalated to the point that he required therapy. Now he is learning to identify and express his feelings. He is developing skills that he needs in order to cope with the emotions that used to overwhelm him.

Tammy is a young woman of thirty-four years of age. She has had issues with her body image and problems with her self-esteem for as long as she can remember. Her weight and appearance have been a struggle ever since she was a child.

She faced ridicule and bullying by her peers which turned into a severe distrust of others. She doubts who she is on the inside and feels very alienated. She is grown now but her job is quite stressful and very fast-paced. Keeping up with the job is tough and keeping up with life is even tougher.

There are two things that help Tammy deal with her stresses: food and alcohol. It seems she is forever having one drink too many or eating too much, too quickly. She feels remorseful after doing either. But, she feels very alone and overwhelmed.

She is doing all she knows how to do to cope with the way she feels. Therapy has crossed her mind but she thinks she should be able to handle her emotions and feelings on her own. Besides, unleashing all the pain is a scary thought. She doesn’t need the added stress.

The concept of being an “emotional eater” simply means to use eating in order to cope. It isn’t a new thing and most people have heard of it but it is far more serious than most realize. Binge Eating Disorder differs from just eating too much at one sitting. It isn’t simply eating for reasons that are emotionally based either. While both scenarios are problematic, they don’t entail the qualifications for being a binge type eater.

What Binge Eating Disorder Really Is

Binge Eating Disorder was recognized by the Association of the American Psychiatric’s list of mental disorders in 2013. Before that, it was in still in research although it was deemed a serious problem by a myriad of professionals throughout the course of many years. Finally, it has its rightful place as a disorder with a name and a set of criteria which distinguish it.

The BED diagnosis criteria are as follows:

  • The person must have repeated episodes of bing-eating.
  • The definition of a binge consists of possessing three or more of the five following characteristics:
    • Eating considerably quicker than normal
    • Continuing consumption of food beyond being comfortably full
    • Eating large quantities of food even though one is not feeling hungry
    • Eating alone because of being embarrassed by the portion sizes
    • Having feelings of guilt, depression, or disappointment with oneself following the binge-driven behavior
  • In addition, the person who engages in the binges must feel significant emotional distress or remorse about the binge they have taken part in.

The criteria for this disorder is different from that of bulimia nervosa, however, because an individual with BED doesn’t frequently take part in behaviors that are aimed at preventing weight gain.

Negative emotions usually come prior to the episode of binging. It can also be characterized by triggering from other root stressors. That is the reason it’s often regarded as a coping mechanism which is closely related to stress and other negative emotions.

As mentioned before, it is typical with this disorder for food to be consumed in a rush instead of at a pace that is normal. There is little to no mindfulness in the process. The person is likely to eat as an effort to relieve emotions and/or to escape stress.

Shame tends to be an ever-present part of the equation. It is common for those with BED to experience it on a regular basis. It is also typical for one to attempt to hide their shame by engaging in their behavior disorder which only increases and intensifies the negative ways they were already feeling. That is how cyclical behavioral patterns begin and continue.

Additional Common Diagnoses

Those who have been diagnosed with BED quite often meet additional criteria pertaining to other diagnoses as well. It’s not unusual for them to also display signs and symptoms of anxiety disorders, depressive disorders, and even bipolar disorders. Another typical problem is substance and alcohol abuse. For this reason, a professional who is trained to recognize BED will also generally check for additional diagnoses as well.

Medical Complications

This type of eating disorder should be taken very seriously. Heart disease, diabetes type 2, muscle and joint issues, osteoarthritis, high blood pressure, and gastrointestinal problems may be present. It’s vital with a BED assessment to also have an evaluation of medical health as well as one of mental health.

BED Risk Factors

There are a number of factors that put a person at more risk, typically. Those things tend to be common with those who have BED.

Some of those risk factors are:

  • Persistent dieting, prior to or in conjunction with active BED
  • Significant weight change history
  • Being overweight
  • Having low self-esteem
  • Not being able to emotionally cope or express oneself
  • Being unhappy with bodily appearance
  • Possessing other mental health disorders like having bipolar disorder, substance abuse issues, or depression
  • Being bullied or made fun of about weight
  • Emotional, sexual, or any other type of trauma or neglect
  • Experiencing a significant loss such as a breakup or death

Warning Signs of Binge Eating Disorder

Remember that weight is not always an indicator that someone has BED. The problem can occur in those who don’t have weight issues and those who have weight issues may not have BED.

Shame is frequently experienced with BED. Due to shame, hiding the symptoms and behaviors is very common. Though not conclusive, the signs below may be an indicator of the disorder if one or more are present.

  • Trouble eating in social situations, preferring to eat when alone
  • Obsessing over food and/or binge planning
  • Eating fast with a lack of control
  • Frequently feeling constipated or bloated
  • Eating past the point of feeling full
  • Discovering food wrappers, hoarding food, finding large quantities of food missing
  • Elevated withdrawal from activities and relationships and/or becoming isolated more
  • Habitually beginning new diets and/or odd meal rituals and/or frequently skipping meals
  • Fluctuation of weight
  • Unhealthy fixation and focus on bodily shape and/or weight
  • Gastrointestinal problems

Binge Eating Disorder Treatment

If a loved one, or yourself, is displaying BED symptoms, it’s imperative to seek a professional evaluation by a specialist in the field. Because BED is likely to include serious medical complications, it is recommended that a physician also evaluate the patient.

In addition, a dietitian can be a very important professional involved in the treatment since they are able to assist a person with the diagnosis and the disorder. They can play a crucial role in the patient understanding and coming to grips with the implications BED has on their health. Nutritional needs are discussed and medication is sometimes prescribed.

If BED is determined to be present, a number of psychological treatments exist which can be of help. Some of these methods are as follows:

  • Cognitive Behavior based therapy, or CBT, is a method which assists individuals in understanding the direct relationship thoughts, behaviors, and feelings have. It helps them develop positive and effective strategies to help alter negative patterns.
  • Dialectical Behavioral Technique, known also as DBT, is a helpful approach to teaching new skills which can be focused on so that emotions can be regulated during stressful times and during temptations to eat irregularly. Both individual and group settings are generally a part of this type of therapy.
  • Interpersonal Psychotherapy, also known as IP, is a technique which helps individuals explore relationships such as loss, conflict, and so forth. It examines how they perceive themselves alongside others and takes a look at how those components might play into their eating disorder and its behaviors.

There are even more treatment types that might be recommended for BED, depending on the individual needs that you may have which flow from our life experiences, like trauma, abuse, etc. A qualified licensed therapist will be able to lovingly point you in the direction that will be the most helpful where a full plan of treatment is concerned.

It is overwhelming to live with BED. Hopeless feelings can consume you and sadness may be a constant emotion you feel. But, there is a better way. There’s hope just around the corner when you begin your journey to healing and recovery. Don’t put it off. Call today and walk in the sunshine. A brand new life awaits you. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling are here to support you on this transformative journey.

Photos:
“Happy”, Courtesy of Matias Saw, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Altered Conscious”, Courtesy of Alex Perez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Frustrated,” courtesy of Tim Gouw, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Stack of Pancakes”, Courtesy of Maria Mekht, Unsplash.com, CC0 License