Navigating Faith, Doubt, and End-of-Life Concerns During Later Years

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If you have been questioning beliefs that once felt unshakable, you’re not alone. The aging process brings a unique set of spiritual challenges that can leave faithful individuals wrestling with doubt. There are certain times when these end-of-life concerns surface: when daily life is marked by the onset of physical limitations, the loss of loved ones, or the reality of mortality, faith and doubt become a bigger focus.

The tension between doubt and faith during the later years doesn’t portray a spiritual failure. It reflects the complex reality of being human while trying to maintain a faithful relationship with God. The intensity of the struggle heightens when you’re facing inevitable changes that occur in the natural aging process. You can gain wisdom and peace when you understand how these various challenges connect as you navigate this season of life.

Do not cast me off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength is spent. – Psalm 71:9, ESV

How Physical Changes and End-of-Life Concerns Connect to Spiritual Questioning

Each change in your body can create a domino effect that touches every area of spiritual life. Arthritis can make turning Bible pages difficult during Bible study, and chronic body pain can make it difficult to sit for long periods at a time.

Both physical situations can make you feel as though there is a barrier between you and God. It’s not just a simple issue of inconvenience. For decades, your body has been the vessel for worship, service, and other faith practices.

This physical decline often triggers questions about God’s presence. Questions you may have never considered before are now thoughts regarding your faith. One of the common questions you may have is why God is allowing the suffering, or whether your relationship with Him has diminished because of reduced capacity for spiritual activities.

The fatigue that comes with aging can cause issues, leading to frustration and discouragement when concentration in worship feels impossible.

Physical limitations and spiritual doubt are connected, in particular, when dealing with end-of-life concerns. You feel like you’re weakening body is a constant reminder of mortality, which intensifies fear about death and what’s to come. These physical changes force a confrontation with theological questions about suffering, divine purpose, and the nature of God’s love that you understand but never experienced.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. – 2 Corinthians 4:16, ESV

How Loss Experiences Link to Faith Foundations

The link between spiritual questioning and grief becomes more complex as you age because the losses accumulate instead of occurring in isolation. Losing a spouse, a close friend, or a family member doesn’t just affect your emotions. The grief shakes the foundation of how you understand God’s goodness and timing. As other losses occur, they build up on previous grief, which creates a compound effect that may overwhelm your spiritual resources.

Experiencing these types of losses connects directly to your faith foundations because they challenge your core belief about God’s protection and care for you. You may begin to question prayers that seem unanswered or wonder why God took certain people. This new pattern of loss that comes with aging often makes you feel like you’re constantly saying goodbye. These thoughts lead to questions about God’s plans and purposes.

The connection between faith and multiple losses becomes intense when you’re witnessing the suffering of others before their deaths. Watching your closest friends endure a prolonged illness or cognitive decline can shake your confidence in the mercy and love of God. Christian counselors see this pattern, where there is accumulated grief that has created a crisis of faith. This crisis typically doesn’t occur when a single loss is experienced.

It’s vital to learn that faith foundations must adapt to accommodate the new realities of loss without abandoning core beliefs. This process will involve learning to hold both grief and trust simultaneously, while understanding that questioning God’s ways doesn’t mean you are rejecting his love. The key is recognizing that mature faith often includes wrestling with difficult questions and not always finding simple answers.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. – Hebrews 11:1, ESV

How Legacy Fears and End-of-Life Concerns Connect to Eternal Security Doubts

It is normal for your concerns about legacy and unfinished business to lead to questioning eternal security. Reviewing your life through the lens of approaching death, past mistakes, or missed opportunities may feel intensified. Fears and doubts regarding salvation often catch believers off guard because they have felt confident in faith for so many years.

These fears stem from a subtle shift from trusting in God’s grace to evaluating your own performance. This may cause you to create a mental checklist of what you did that was good and where you failed. This will lead you to wonder if you’ve done enough to “earn” heaven. This is performance-based thinking, and it connects directly to end-of-life concerns. This happens because death feels like the final deadline for spiritual achievement.

Legacy fears may often be intensified when challenged with relationships that need healing. Panic about spiritual standing can result from the thought of dying with unresolved conflicts or unexpressed forgiveness. There may be concern that these unfinished emotional tasks can somehow disqualify you from eternal peace. Christian counselors frequently encounter this pattern where relational regrets turn to spiritual crisis.

Legacy concerns and eternal security doubt can also manifest through the worry about whether you’ve been a good Christian influence on your family. This may lead you to wonder if your children or grandchildren may have a solid faith and blame yourself for their spiritual struggles. The sense of responsibility for others’ faith creates overwhelming pressure while you face your own mortality.

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. – Romans 8:38-39, ESV

How Community Support Links to Sustained Faith

The spiritual doubt and isolation connection becomes more intense as you age due to your natural support network declining in number. Friends may move away, become ill, or pass away, which can leave you feeling increasingly alone with your questions and fears. A dangerous cycle is created where doubts multiply without the benefit of community wisdom and encouragement.

The need for a spiritual community is directly connected to your ability to maintain faith during the challenging seasons. When there is no regular fellowship with other believers, end-of-life concerns can feel overwhelming. When struggles are shared with peers who navigate similar challenges, you will find valuable perspectives to help you with your own spiritual journey.

Spiritual mentorship and guidance are a result of having community support. Christian counselors become an important support system as you face questions that require biblical wisdom and practical understanding of aging challenges. The relationship between a Christian counselor and pastoral care can help distinguish normal spiritual development from crises.

It is vital to build and maintain a spiritual community to help cultivate healthy support and shared wisdom needed during these seasons. These relationships help you focus on the fact that your struggles are normal human experiences and not spiritual failures.

But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. – Isaiah 40:31, ESV

Deepen your Journey of Faith

Physical changes, loss experiences, and legacy fears are different challenges that affect doubt and faith during the aging years. When you question your faith or when physical limitations increase, this doesn’t mean your spiritual journey has ended. This season offers opportunities to cultivate a deeper faith that comes through life experience and honest wrestling with difficult realities.

Your faith journey will still matter regardless of how these struggles connect or become complex. The doubts are normal responses to real challenges, not a sign of spiritual failure. It is vital to remember that God’s love transcends all earthly connections and provides the foundation for hope and peace. Contact our office today to meet with a Christian counselor near you.

References:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/aging
https://www.verywellmind.com/anxiety-in-older-adults-5193978
https://www.webmd.com/healthy-aging/guide/aging-mental-health
https://psychcentral.com/anxiety/anxiety-in-older-adults
https://www.sleepfoundation.org/how-sleep-changes-with-age

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“Open Bible at Church”, Courtesy of G + L, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

How to Keep a Mindfulness Journal

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A mindfulness journal is an effective tool for identifying thought and behavioral patterns by recording your thoughts and feelings. The practice is low-budget, accessible, and freeing.

Why keep a mindfulness journal?

A mindfulness journal allows you to pause, take a step back, and reassess where you are and your frame of mind. It gives you a safe space to express yourself without judgment. You do not have to share your mindfulness journal with anyone. If you decide to share your mindfulness journal, your counselor can look over it to help you identify patterns.

Tips for Starting a Mindfulness Journal

Although it may seem uncomfortable at first to write in a mindfulness journal, try the practice for a month or more. When you write, allow yourself to be free with your words. You can write about anything bothering you, things you are grateful for, or prayers to God. You can write about your dreams for the future or set goals.

You decide what you want to write about. Give yourself the time to get your thoughts out onto paper. Aim for at least 10 or 15 minutes at each session.

Choose a notebook or journal

Although many people choose to use a device for journaling, paper can provide you with a distraction-free environment and help lower anxiety levels by simply unplugging. Choose a notebook or journal book. It doesn’t have to be expensive or of a particular size, just accessible to you. A pencil or pen will work, although you may want to choose one that expresses your personality.

Schedule a time

To remember to journal, schedule a time in your day. Make mindful journaling part of your routine by habit stacking. For example, maybe you choose to journal in the morning while enjoying your first cup of coffee. Try journaling at bedtime after your evening shower or bath. Consistency will help you form the new habit.

Define your intention

You can use your journal for any purpose, but setting the intention helps focus your mind and keep you on point. Perhaps you plan to use your mindfulness journal to record a weight loss journey. You would want to record your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors surrounding your meals and snacks, record workouts and other activities, and other factors that lead to weight loss.

If your goal is to lower stress, then you can record thoughts and worries, as well as any solutions that come to mind.

Write without distraction

Journaling can happen anywhere, but you should choose a place that is relatively quiet and without distractions to focus on entries. If you have children, write during their naptimes, at bedtime, or while they are quietly playing in the room. If you work outside of the home, consider a quieter spot for lunch to journal.

Look for thought or behavioral patterns

Every few weeks, review your journal entries without judgment and take note of any thoughts or behavioral patterns. Consult with a counselor if you notice any that require a change. A counselor can help you reframe your thoughts to change your emotions and behaviors.

Christian Counseling in Huntington Beach, CA

If you are looking for more tips or need suggestions for a mindfulness journal, contact our office today to schedule an appointment with a Christian counselor in Huntington Beach, California. The counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling specialize in a variety of issues that affect men, women, and children, combining evidence-based techniques with faith-based principles. Call or click today to get started.

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11 Creative Ways to Teach Kids Bible Verses About Worry

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Teaching kids Bible verses about worry should be a meaningful, bonding, and fun time for the child and everyone involved, too. In those moments when children feel nervous or scared, creative activities help make learning calming Scripture easier and more enjoyable.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. – 1 Peter 5:7 NIV

The way a child first experiences the Bible will shape how they feel about it for years to come. If they see it as a book full of comfort and wisdom, they will turn to it when they need guidance. But if learning scripture feels dull or difficult, they may see it as something unhelpful. Making Bible learning fun and interactive helps children build a strong connection with God’s Word, especially when they get scared.

Common Misconceptions Kids Have About the Bible

  • Some children believe the Bible is just a list of rules or old stories that don’t relate to their lives.
  • They might believe it’s too difficult to understand or is only for adults.
  • Some kids may think that the Bible is boring or that it doesn’t help with their everyday problems.

If we can find ways to demonstrate to kids from the earliest age how scripture can bring joy, peace, and comfort in their daily lives, we help them see its true value.

Everyday Situations When Kids Need Verses About Worry

Children deal with worries every single day. They might feel nervous about a big test, making new friends, or speaking in front of a group. Changes like moving to a new home or welcoming a new sibling can also make them anxious or sad. Even small things, like a sleepover or trying a new activity, may cause stress.

Bible verses about worry remind them that God is always with them, bringing comfort and reassurance as they find comfort and reassurance in God’s word during these moments of uncertainty.

Fun and Creative Ways to Teach Kids Verses About Worry

Worry crafts Let kids create worry jars or boxes. They write down things that worry them on slips of paper and place them in the jar or box.

They can also add pieces of paper with verses about worry, such as “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6.34, ESV) Every time they add a worry, they can also add a verse from the Bible. The idea is that God will carry their worries for them.

Catchy verse songs Turn verses about worry into simple, catchy songs. Music helps kids remember verses and makes learning enjoyable. Sing together and discuss the meaning of the verses.

Playful role-playing Use role-playing to act out scenarios where kids feel scared or worried. Include some verses about worry, showing how they apply them in real-life situations.

Storytime with scripture Read Bible stories that show how people in the Bible handled worry, like Jesus calming the storm in Matthew 8 vs 23-27, and talk about how trust in God brings peace.

Play verse interactive games Create games like word searches, matching cards, or puzzles using verses about worry. This interactive approach keeps a kid engaged and remembering the verses better.

Make prayer chains Kids write their worries on paper strips and link them into a chain. As they add each link, they recite a verse about worry and pray over their concerns, like.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4.6, ESV

Write verse journals Teach your kids to keep a worry journal where they write down their fears with a Bible verse next to each one. A great verse for this is.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41.10, ESV

A Bible verse scavenger hunt Hide cards with verses about worry all around the house or classroom. As kids find them, let them talk about what they think the verses mean.

Memory verse challenges Turn learning verses into a game by creating memory challenges. For example, write each word of a verse on separate cards and mix them up. Kids race to put them in the correct order.

Create interactive verse walls Have a verse wall where kids always pin up their favorite Bible verses about worry and share what they mean to them, such as Proverbs 12:25 — “Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.”

Helping Kids Grow in Faith and Confidence

As parents and teachers, we play a great role in shaping a child’s faith and emotional well-being. It helps to take advantage of creative activities so that kids not only learn Bible verses about worry but also understand how to apply them every day.

If you have or work with young children and are noticing any signs of excessive worry or anxiety, think about getting extra professional guidance. A child therapist in Huntington Beach, California can provide more insight and additional help.

Start by calling us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to connect with a Christian counselor today.

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“Wildflowers”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

10 Things That Help You Handle Life

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Life is a beautifully challenging thing to walk through. Some moments feel great, and you manage them easily, and other moments are more challenging. In challenging moments, it is easy to let other people’s ideas shape how you respond.

When you were growing up it could have been a simple comment like “Don’t cry,” from a parent after you had a hard day. Today, it may be something more complex like feeling guilty for taking a break when you have so much to do. It is common to accept these ideas as healthy and normal, but they can result in feelings of shame when you are dealing with things in your life.

Instead of accepting these ideas, we can choose to look at how our responses and feelings can benefit us in our circumstances. You don’t necessarily have to feel ashamed for experiencing different feelings or responses, especially when things feel hard already. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you process these emotions in a healthy way.

While you may have had people tell you differently, you don’t have to feel ashamed for processing life in your own way. Here are ten things you may not have to feel ashamed for:

  1. Asking for help  We have developed a fiercely independent culture, especially when it comes to needing help. Instead of relying on others, we try to do things on our own. This is often neither beneficial nor biblical.

Galatians reminds us to “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2, ESV) We are to support one another. Additionally, we are to come to God when we need help. “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” (James 1:5, ESV)

  1. Taking time to be alone  While it is often good to seek help from others, it is also okay to need time away from other people. We need to balance community and time alone, especially when we use that time alone to seek God.

Every person is created with unique needs and a capacity for time with others and time alone. This is true in daily life, exciting seasons, and tough times. Ask God to show you what you need.

  1. Self-care  While the idea of self-care has become a bit of a buzzword in modern culture and on social media, the reality is that many people do not pursue it. When people do take time for self-care, they can sometimes feel guilty or try to do things that seem like self-care but don’t truly fill them up.

Instead, you can choose to take care of yourself in a healthy way. Ask God what you need most and do that. It’s okay if it looks different from what your friend or family member needs. God wants you to take good care of yourself because He loves you.

  1. Crying  As in the earlier example, some people feel ashamed for crying. This can be because of things people have said, because of societal norms, or simply because it makes them self-conscious. Crying doesn’t need to be looked at this way. Instead, crying can be seen as a natural release of emotion.

Emotional tears also contain more mood-regulating manganese than the other types. Stress “tightens muscles and heightens tension, so when you cry you release some of that,” Sideroff says. “[Crying] activates the parasympathetic nervous system and restores the body to a state of balance.” – Serusha Govender

  1. Feeling things  Like tears, some people are taught that feelings are unsafe, unacceptable, or bad. If you grew up in a situation where feelings were never expressed, it may seem foreign to do so. Conversely, if you grew up in a situation where expressing feelings caused increased tension or violence, you may have learned to keep feelings hidden.

Unfortunately, this approach typically makes things worse. Feelings may be either good or bad, depending on the situation. Identifying them and allowing them space can help diffuse them and help you evaluate them. A counselor can help you with this. It is a learning experience, and you can find help to express, identify, and process righteous feelings without shame.

  1. Recognize joy in hard times  When you are going through a difficult time, it may feel odd to find joy. For example, if you recently lost your job, it could seem strange to some people that you find joy in the extra time you have to go for a walk during the day.

Another common example is when walking through grief. Sometimes people experience times of joy, even as they face the loss of someone they cared about. This can be disturbing for some people, but it is nothing to be ashamed of. Instead, you can see how you can carry both hard things and joyful things at the same time.

Even James reminds us of the importance of joy in tough times: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” (James 1:2, NIV) You can navigate joy amid your hardship.

  1. Resting   It is no surprise we live in a busy world full of things we need to do. In our achievement-based culture, we often neglect to take adequate time to rest. This doesn’t just mean sleep, although that can be part of it.

We need time to rest, to take a break from whatever situation or hardship we are facing. Even though some will try to tell us to keep going, to get more done, to stay busy, sometimes the very thing we need most is a break. You do not have to feel shame for making time to rest.

Whether it is in the middle of the day, an hour after you wake up, or in the evening, you can rest if it is what you need.

  1. Feeling weak  In a world that sees weakness as something to be fixed, it can be hard to think of it as something to embrace. The truth is, we are all weak. No matter how much we try to prove that we are strong, the Bible is clear: we are all weak and Jesus is our strength.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. – 2 Corinthians 12:9, ESV

  1. Setting and maintaining boundaries   Many of us have lived in situations where boundaries were not welcome. We had people in our lives that overshadowed any sense of personal comfort we may have or disregarded our preferences. This can make it difficult for us to feel comfortable setting and maintaining boundaries.

As you walk through life, you do not need to feel any sense of shame for setting boundaries. It is healthy and wise to recognize your boundaries and find respectful ways to communicate those. If that is difficult for you, a counselor can help you identify them and find ways to kindly share them. They can also offer accountability for maintaining your boundaries with others.

  1. Being angry  Just as with any feeling, anger is not always something to be ashamed of. It is a feeling that everyone has experienced, even Jesus. Often, we have experienced situations that try to downplay or eliminate anger because it is uncomfortable or expressed poorly.

Instead of pretending anger isn’t there, you can learn to be angry in healthy, productive ways. Anger, however, may be sinful or righteous – it is not simply a feeling. If you struggle with sinful anger, there is help across the spectrum from identifying anger to anger management.

Finding the support you need

As you learn about these healthier approaches to handling life, you may find that you need support in ways to accept them, how to implement them, or ways to remove the shame associated with them. There is help available.

A Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling  can help you with this process. Contact our office today to learn more.

Sources:

https://www.instagram.com/p/CsjAaSfuquM/

https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/is-crying-good-for-you#:~:text=Emotional%20tears%20also%20contain%20more,to%20a%20state%20of%20balance.%22

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“Train Rail”, Courtesy of Unsplash, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Holiday Stress: Five Ways to Find Peace

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Holiday stress is the number one complaint that summarizes every trigger for it: large crowds, extended family gatherings, financial strain, and maxed-out schedules.

You’ve got kids now, and each of the grandparents has called to ask about your plans for the holiday. Stress doesn’t begin to show until the school sends home its shorter day schedule for the week and your boss hasn’t approved your time off. You’ve got deadlines and are juggling between the normal day-to-day obligations and the extra pizazz the holidays call for. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you find balance during the holiday season.

Work has a potluck sign-up in the break room. The school requests volunteers for their annual Winter Festival. Church has the annual tea coming up, and then there are two potlucks and a canned food drive to attend. The kids want to go ice skating, There’s the tree lighting, the parades, three Christmas parties, and someone decides to celebrate their child’s birthday in December.

This doesn’t even compare to the dread you feel about gathering with them again this year. To call last year a disaster would be putting it lightly. You don’t know how you’re going to make it through one more meal with them after all that happened last year during the annual holiday gathering.

Or maybe you’re single. Your life seems to have a lot going on, but people look at you differently this time of year. During the holiday season, everyday things you enjoy suddenly become holiday stress. You’re thrown questions like, “Still working there, eh? When are you going to settle down?” “Ok, when am I going to get some grandbabies?”

You are volunteered to be in charge of things (because everyone else is busy with their own family) and cut out of things because “it’s a family thing, really just for the kids.” Even work treats you differently, expecting you’ll somehow be less serious (everyone just assumes you’ll not be interested and can’t cook) and overly committed at the same time (taking advantage of your fewer obligations to book you through the heavy holiday rush and overtime hours).

Then there’s your family gatherings, if you decide to go this year. You aren’t sure where you belong, not fitting in with the kids or the adults. Everyone is getting older, and life just feels sad/uncomfortable around them.

What if there was a way to find heavenly peace whether or not the night is silent? How can we prep for the holiday stress and not be overwhelmed by it this year? Below are five ways you can seek a peaceful holiday season no matter how full, or empty, your calendar is.

Five Ways To Find Peace Amid The Stress Of The Holidays

Number One: Worship

My number one peacebuilder for the holiday season is to spend time each day in worship.

Spending time in worship is a key way to connect with God in heaven who is the maker of and giver of peace. Thank Him for who He is, His salvation, and His presence. Focus on a new attribute of God and a new promise of God each day or find one of each to be this year’s holiday season message for your heart to stir up praise all season long.

Seek Him first this holiday season and rest in His presence as you worship the God Almighty who offered salvation through His son. Remember that He has done great things for you, and He knows all levels of stress, fear, grief, disappointment, and anger.

Spend time each day in worship, multiple times a day. Refresh your mind with the attributes and promises and experience the peace of God wash over you, protecting your mind and heart from the holiday stress.

Number two: Add time for both sleep and movement

Sleep is important in stress reduction efforts because it resets the body and renews the mind. The holiday rush can provide ample opportunity to forgo sleep. I want to encourage you to resist this where possible! Put sleep back on the priority list during these next few months.

Another thing about the winter season, some people take to their beds all the more. While sleep can be great for stress reduction and overall health, it is not to be overdone. Trying to move your body each day for 20-40 minutes in an energy-exerting way can effectively reduce stress levels and increase happy chemicals.

Number three: Link hydration with prayer

Believe it or not, dehydration is not only easily developed, but it is also detrimental to your ability to function in multiple ways-including stress management. In as little as thirty minutes in the hot sun, one can become dehydrated.

Translate that to a hectic season while bundled up and you’ve got similar results. It can be difficult to know you’re dehydrated because you might not notice at first. A good rule of thumb is to know that if you are thirsty, you’re already dehydrated.

Drinking lots of water all at once is not the answer though. Taking in small portions throughout the day works best. This helps you avoid an over-full bladder and making tons of trips to the bathroom, too.

When you consider drinking small amounts of water throughout the day, you can add in prayer at the same time and link them together in your mind. This way, you can pray throughout the day while you hydrate – two birds with one stone! It creates a built-in system for you to not only refresh your body but to refresh your mind and spirit as well.

Prayer helps create peace by allowing you to pour out your stress into God’s hands, sense His presence, and keep your mind focused on His kingdom. Praying throughout the holiday season will help you build peace and avoid the burnout the holiday stress can create.

Number four: Spend five minutes deep breathing

Spending time in busy places or all alone can induce different types of stress. Physical activity can reduce our mental stress. Studies have shown that deep, belly breathing (in other words, taking the time to inhale fully and exhale fully) signals the body to relax.

Most stress changes your breathing immediately. It can speed up your breathing or stop it. Whether you are experiencing stress triggers happening around you or the stress is mounting from your thoughts, taking a breath can impact it for the better.

Studies have also shown that deep breathing for five minutes (yes, set the timer) can lower your stress hormones for up to four hours afterward. So, whether you’ve got a meal to go through or you are just looking to finally get some sleep, take the five minutes before you start and set yourself up for a peaceful time.

Number five: Reach out and connect

Holidays are about getting together with others. For many, that is part of what is so stressful about them. You could be stressing about not having someone to meet up with this year or about having tension with someone who will be around. Either way, an important way for you to access God’s peace is to keep connected with His Church. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can support you during this time.

Holiday stress, no matter what time, can be managed positively with help and support. This is true for all of life. We’ve already talked about reaching out through prayer and connecting with God, so this tip is specifically focusing on people.

So, don’t know who to reach out to? Consider someone who might fit any or all of these:

  • They will pray for you.
  • They can point you to Christ.
  • They will check in on you.
  • They will keep you accountable.
  • They can make you laugh.
  • They will listen, whether or not they agree with you.

One other option is reaching out to a Christian counselor who can provide a space for you to talk through the grief, anger, and/or anything else that is hindering your peace this holiday season. This article presented just five ways to find peace. Therapists and counselors can work with you to search for ways to best support you during this time. Check out Orange County Christian Counseling for more information.

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“Mountaintop Meditation”, Courtesy of kalyanayahaluwo, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Pouring the Wine”, Courtesy of elle_kh, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Walking the Dog”, Courtesy of willea26, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Finishing Touches”, Courtesy of Arun Kuchibhotla, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Prayers for Seasons of Grief

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There is no rushing the process of grieving. It will take time to process your grief, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. During seasons of grief, caring for your spiritual health is just as important as caring for the rest of yourself. Prayer has been a mainstay for Christians in crisis throughout the centuries, and if you cannot find your own words, you can always borrow those of ages past. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling offers support to help individuals navigate grief while nurturing their spiritual well-being.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18, NIV

If you already have an established practice of prayer, it will become a great comfort to you in this difficult time. If it is not a habit already, there is no reason that you cannot start now. One of the many ways that you could start is simply repeating prayers from Scripture whenever you are in need.

I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. – Psalm 31:7,9 NIV

But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand. – Psalm 10:14, NIV

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. – Matthew 5:4, NIV

If you find certain things trigger your grief such as a location, a beloved item, or a certain time of day, you can use those triggers as a reminder to pray. You are promised comfort, and that comfort may come from surprising sources. Prayer can help you keep your heart and mind open.

Writing prayers or verses down and placing them someplace visible where you will see them regularly is a powerful practice for several reasons.

Firstly, it creates a visual reminder of the words, helping them to become ingrained in your mind. When you see the words regularly, they reinforce their meaning and significance, making them more likely to come to mind when you need them most.

Secondly, having the prayers or verses written down provides you with a tangible connection to them. This can be especially helpful during times of stress or difficulty, as it offers a sense of comfort and support to have something physical to hold onto.

Thirdly, by placing the prayers or verses in a visible location, you create an opportunity for others to see them as well. This can be a way to share your faith and values with others, and it may inspire them to reflect on their own spiritual life.

Ultimately, the practice of writing down prayers or verses and placing them someplace visible is a way to deepen your connection to the divine and to bring the words of your faith into your daily life

From the Book of Common Prayer

Many denominations use this tool for prayer and worship. These particular prayers are from the burial service. You do not have to use the Book of Common Prayer to plan a service, but you can ask for prayer for those who grieve. Even a celebration of someone’s life is not without sorrow for those who will miss their family members.

Grant, O Lord, to all who are bereaved the spirit of faith and courage, that they may have strength to meet the days to come with steadfastness and patience; not sorrowing as those
without hope, but in thankful remembrance of your great goodness, and in the joyful expectation of eternal life with those they love. And this we ask in the Name of Jesus Christ our Savior. Amen.

Almighty God, Father of mercies and giver of comfort: Deal graciously, we pray, with all who mourn; that, casting all their care on you, they may know the consolation of your love; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Prayers for seasons of grief include those for the challenging journey of finding ways to cope. For those who have lost a loved one who shared a strong connection with God, prayer can offer a profound source of comfort. Knowing that the person you’ve lost is now in God’s presence can bring a sense of peace and assurance.

When we pray for comfort regarding our loved ones who have passed, we are not only expressing our love and longing, but we are also entrusting them to the care of God. It is a powerful act of faith, believing that their prayers have not gone unanswered and that they are now experiencing the fullness of God’s love and grace.

One of the most comforting aspects of praying while grieving for a loved one who loved God is the assurance that they are no longer bound by earthly limitations. In their earthly life, they may have faced struggles, heartaches, and unfulfilled desires. But now, in the presence of God, they are experiencing a reality that far surpasses anything we can imagine.

Their prayers, spoken with sincerity and devotion during their lifetime, now become a lived experience. The petitions they once offered for healing, guidance, and forgiveness are now realized in the fullness of God’s embrace. The longings they carried in their hearts are now met with eternal joy and fulfillment.

As we pray, we not only honor their memory but also affirm our own faith in the power of prayer and the promise of eternal life. It is a way of finding solace in the knowledge that their faith is now sight as they worship in the presence of God.

From Others

Many Christian writers through the centuries have written about their experiences with grief and sorrow. They have written prayers for themselves and prayers for others. Grieving has been lived by people over and over again. The wisdom of the past can support those grieving in the present.

O God, our help and assistance, who is just and merciful, and who hears the supplications of your people; look down upon me, in my sorrow, and have mercy upon me. I acknowledge and believe, O Lord, that all trials of this life are given for our good.

You know my misery and suffering and to thee, my only hope and refuge, I flee for relief and comfort; trusting to your infinite love and compassion, that in due time, when you know best, you will deliver me from this trouble and turn my distress into comfort, when I shall rejoice in your mercy, and exalt and praise your Holy Name, O Father, Son, and Holy Spirit: now and forever. Amen. – John Chrysostom

Prayer with Friends

When you have a friend in a season of grief, prayer is the most powerful and important way to support them. For many people, the chance to close their eyes and hear others pray is easier than trying to do it themselves. You can also write a prayer for them to read later. The support of others carries people through the worst seasons of grief. You can even ask friends to write out prayers that you can read through in a more private setting if you prefer.

Forming a Practice of Prayer

Practices of prayer can be gathered from around the world. Some people prefer tangible items, such as prayer beads, or a holding cross, to aid in their practice of prayer. Others prefer to take action, such as walking, lighting a candle, or journaling.

Prayer in grief does not even need to include words. Tears, incoherent cries, and even sighs can be understood by God, even if you do not understand them. A practice of prayer does not need to follow the prescribed method of others. Prayer is your way of talking to God, and He listens to all types with compassion and understanding.

Another important part of developing a prayer life is the act of being still. Practicing stillness and listening for the Spirit is an important part of prayer. It is important enough not to neglect. Don’t worry if it is difficult at first. Start with a few minutes of your scheduled prayer time and work on building in more time as you master focusing on being still in the presence of God and listening for Him.

Prayer in Counseling

Christian counseling considers the spirit as well as the mind and emotions. When you meet with a Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling, you can talk to them about the value of prayer in your journey to healing amid grief. Every counselor is unique. Browse our online counselor directory to find one who might be right for you.

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How Self-Love Improves Mental Health

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Over the past couple of years, there has been a sharp rise in people battling mental health issues. The world we live in demands so much of us that some are struggling to cope mentally.

Mental health refers to the emotional and psychological well-being of a person, which can affect how they feel, think, or behave. There are many ways to improve mental health, and in this article, we will focus on self-care as one of those ways. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling provides support and resources to help individuals prioritize their mental health and practice effective self-care.

Accepting who we are is agreeing with God when He says we are wonderfully and fearfully made, it is living a life that reflects that truth. (Psalm 139:14). Self-care is an effective technique in improving mental health as we recognize our worth as beings created in His image and worthy of care and compassion.

When there is a conscious effort put into taking care of ourselves, honoring our needs, and putting value on ourselves, it is often mistaken for selfishness. Are there people who are selfish and full of pride? Yes, unfortunately. What’s different is that when we talk of self-care, we are advocating for people to care for the bodies and minds that God gave us; we are, after all, the Temple of the Highest God and The Holy Spirit dwells in us (I Corinthians 6:19-20).

This means we ought to take good care of what God has entrusted us with, the vessel He chose to use on this earth. When we can take care of ourselves, we fuel ourselves to care for others. As much as our lives should be marked by our ability to be there for others and sometimes even sacrifice our comfort and wants, we should always check if we are not overextending ourselves beyond our abilities.

There is nothing wrong with sacrificial love or giving of ourselves. It becomes a problem when it consumes our whole life. This will lead to exhaustion, fatigue, depression, and sometimes resentment toward those we are helping or giving to.

We see Jesus showing us this way of living by how He would, on occasion, separate Himself from the crowd, go away, regroup, and pray. He was in essence realizing His need for rest, solitude, and spiritual alignment and modeling the same for us.

There are five areas in which we can practice self-care and thereby improve our mental health and our ability to serve God and others. These are physical, emotional, social, spiritual, and mental self-care.

  • Physical – When we take care of our body, we engage in activities that keep us fit. This means that we are conscious of what we put into our body, how we exercise, and our recovery routine (i.e. sleep and rest).
  • Mental – As people, we need activities that ensure that we are always learning and stimulated mentally. This can include reading, learning new skills, puzzles, games, memorizing scripture, etc.
  • Emotional – Being aware of our emotions and those of others helps us to function and relate in a more godly way. We pay attention to how we feel, and act accordingly. If we are happy, we permit ourselves to be joyful, when we are sad, we give ourselves room to recover. This can be achieved by seeking God through prayer, Bible reading, journaling, sharing time with friends, seeing a therapist, etc.
  • Spiritual – Our Spiritual life is nurtured through our communion with God and the body of Christ. This can be achieved through church attendance and involvement, meditation on His Word, and prayer.
  • Social – Our social life consists of the relationships we have around us. Who our friends, mentors, church, colleagues, and family are. We care for ourselves socially when we try to maintain and nurture these relationships so that we are not isolated or lonely.

Self-care is not easy. We want to help others and it can feel selfish to take time for ourselves. We need reminders that our mental health is an important part of being able to serve God and others. Below are some ways in which self-care can help improve our mental health and give us strength for kingdom usefulness.

  • Self-care helps you love others in a better way. Noticing our own weaknesses and need for help gives us a stronger compassion for others. In addition, self-care by way of rest and seeking God gives us the strength we need to serve others well.
  • We cannot give what we do not have for ourselves. When we care for ourselves, we have more to give. We serve others better when we are serving from a place of abundance.
  • Self-care improves our confidence. We are more confident to be who God has called us to be. Our confidence also comes from knowing that God is with us through each step we take. We are grounded in His truth.

Tips for Biblical Self-care

Stand on His Word – It is important to remind ourselves through God’s word who we are. There are so many things that can shake us in the world, but His Word remains true. Meditating on verses that affirm who we are in Christ will give us strength for the tasks He has called us to. Preaching the Gospel to ourselves daily reminds us that we have a creator who loved us so much that He gave Himself up for our salvation.

Prayer – God has instructed us to seek His face in prayer for help with every trial. Whether it be the trials of living in a sinful world or the trials we bring to our lives through our own sin, we can find hope, peace, mercy, and joy by seeking God in prayer.

Journaling – This is the process of writing down your thoughts and feelings, so you become aware of your emotions and keep track of your thought patterns. The world we live in can be loud and messy and the outside noise can make us forget the Gospel.

One great journaling practice is to write out verses or whole passages of scripture. The act of writing down the words of scripture helps us to bring our thoughts in alignment with truth and meditate on His promises (Philippians 4:8)

Rest – From the beginning, God has given us a model of resting from our work or getting away to pray and rest (Genesis 2:2, Mark 1:35). Rest may include sleep, prayer, solitude, reading a good book or even taking a long bath. Our bodies were not created to work non-stop, and rest is given to us as a way to strengthen us for work and service.

Additional Help

This process might be difficult to do alone so if you or someone you know struggles with taking time for self-care and might need the help of a therapist, please do not hesitate to call our office at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling for an appointment. We have competent and God-fearing Therapists who are waiting to help you in the process.

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How to Read Scripture About Worry in Context

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If you struggle with anxiety, fear, or worry, you may have tried memorizing Bible verses to help you in tough moments. However, if you’ve tried that and it hasn’t helped as much as you would like, it might be because Scripture about worry should always be studied – and ingested – in context.

Of course, the study of Scripture, regardless of the topic, should always be done in context to what’s around it. This is especially true when looking at scriptures about worry. It’s essential. Otherwise, the Bible becomes a pat answer to pacify what may feel like an irrational fear. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling encourages a thoughtful, contextual understanding of Scripture to help manage worry and find peace in faith.

When we cherry-pick verses to medicate our wounds and worries, Scripture doesn’t lose its power, but it may feel like it does because the authority of the text isn’t gleaned. Instead, context helps us recognize that every verse is written in a chapter, and every chapter is held in a book of the Bible, and every book of the Bible was written at a specific time in history to a certain audience with its cultural mores.

Taking Scripture in context can be the difference between short-term memory acquisition and keeping it in your long-term memory.

Zooming in and zooming out on Scripture about worry

In Psalm 1:2, we read that the blessed man’s “delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law, he meditates day and night.” The “delight” here is akin to bending toward. To bend toward, or lean closer, to Scripture is to be ever careful with it, having a learner’s mindset.

The term “meditates” here signifies applied thought and reflection aimed at turning scripture over repeatedly. It is reflecting on what it means and reading it alongside prayer and worship with God.

Yes, context needs to include reading a scripture about worry in the context of an entire chapter. It also needs to be read with the mindset of learning and leaning into what God would help you to understand about that verse and chapter.

To read Scripture apart from a recognition of God’s presence is nothing more than reading the dictionary. It is learning for learning’s sake rather than learning for understanding and application.

If worry is a considerable struggle, you’ve likely sought God’s Word to soothe what fears you have. Once you have sought the Word in context to its chapter and verse, you can zoom out – as if taking a photo with a wide lens – to look at the context of the verse and the chapter within the book, as well as the cultural period that it took place in.

Too many people have been hurt by improper applications of Scripture because they lacked the cultural context of what was happening when the Scripture was originally recorded. God inspires all Scripture according to 2 Timothy 3:16-17, so we know it stands the test of time and is trustworthy.

We can also dig into it deeply to ensure we can see where the original hearers came from.

Using Greek and Hebrew dictionaries

Another way to read Scripture about worry in context is to use a Greek and Hebrew dictionary to look up repeated words or phrases that stand out to you. Many Bibles now have Greek and Hebrew dictionaries in the back, so it’s easier than ever to look up the original meaning.

For example, the scripture about worry that many people quote from Philippians 4:6 can’t be properly gleaned without also reading verse seven and then looking at who Paul was speaking to at the time. He was most likely addressing a group of Roman believers who had come to follow Christ as a result of Paul’s ministry there. They were Gentiles, and Paul was writing to teach them how to “stand firm” as he expressed in the first verse of the chapter.

One of those ways these young believers can stand firm is by not being “anxious,” according to the English Standard Version of verse six. However, upon further study, the word here in Greek means something closer to not becoming distracted by anxious cares.

The meaning of this scripture about worry is deepened significantly when you explore the root words. It could be read that you are never to worry, or it can be read that worries are natural to the human experience but allowing them to consume and distract us from God’s purpose and love is not what He desires for us.

Using prayer with Scripture about worry

The final tip for examining Scripture about worry through context is in prayer, privately and corporately. Ask God for its meaning in your own life and a group of trusted Christian friends.

God designed His Word to be lived out in community, so it’s important to learn with others and pray about the meaning of Scripture within a larger scope than your own. When your perspective is clouded or your view of a passage is limited, considering how others read it can be helpful. There is a reason this is the final tip to studying Scripture about worry in context.

Only after you’ve dug into the verse, chapter, and book of the Bible, exploring contextual cultural clues, can you begin to form your understanding of how to apply the Scripture to your struggles and challenges. Ultimately, you will recognize its impact on the Church and, together, understand its meaning and application.

Reaching out for help

We have counselors who are trained in examining Scripture about worry to help you overcome fears and anxieties that keep you from living a victorious life. Reach out to us today so that we can match you with a licensed professional counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling, California who believes in the power of prayer and Scripture to bring healing and hope.

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How to Fix a Toxic Relationship: 8 Bible Verses to Consider

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Looking to figure out how to fix a toxic relationship? Here are 8 Bible verses to consider while deciding if the relationship has any hope of continuing.

Being stuck in a toxic relationship

The cause of all toxic behavior is sin, which entered the world when Adam and Eve, the first man and woman, rebelled against God (Genesis 3). Because we are children of our first parents, we are all stained with this original sin. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling helps individuals toward healing and growth in faith.

We feel anger, pride, and selfishness, and we feel trapped. This causes us to constantly search for something to hope in or a way of escape. There is one hope only of escaping this sin: Jesus Christ who died for us so that we could be saved (Romans 5:8). With His grace, we can find out how to fix a toxic relationship.

Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? – 2 Corinthians 6:14

Paul admonished the church in Corinth for their lack of love and indifference toward him. This was because of their close connections with unbelievers. This had corrupted their spiritual growth.

Does this other person indulge people that distract from the gospel in your relationship? If this person or spouse is not being built up by believers, and is instead satisfied with being poured into by unbelievers, it is likely that you have a toxic relationship on your hands. Prayer is a great place to start as God promises He gives wisdom generously to all, without reproach as we ask Him with faith that He will provide it (James 1).

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. – Hebrews 13:14

This was one of the final exhortations by Paul to his followers in his epistle while imprisoned. He wanted them to show hospitality to strangers, remember those mistreated in prison, shun the love of money, and be content with what they had, remembering the Lord is always there to love and guide you. He is there for us in marriage, too.

God founded the institution; therefore, its vows must be upheld. Nothing is to come between you and loving your spouse and holding them in high regard – not their attitude or behavior, not your kids, not a job or other activity, not another person in any way.

Today, this type of behavior is too prevalent, often resulting in the break-up of marriages. If you find there is anything in the way of loving your spouse, you need to pray to the Lord for help to fix this toxic relationship and help you to rely on Him to help you do it His way.

Do not be deceived; ‘bad company corrupts good morals.’ – 1 Corinthians 15:33

This is true in all relationships – family, friends, and work. Who are your “friends?” Do they support you in times of want; are they there for you no matter the circumstances? Or do they disappear, making you wonder who you can trust? The Lord will never leave your side. He is incorruptible.

As a Christian, you are called to love others. Loving means taking the right course of action, in accordance with God’s Word, and to not be corrupted or change your views. He is the Lord, and He will let you know how to fix a toxic relationship with others. Conform to God’s law, not the world’s.

If your brother sins against you, go, and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and tax collector. – Matthew 18:15-17

These are strong words, but they ensure accountability and effective conflict resolution. You must look at others as souls. Forgiving a person (family, friend, co-worker, etc.) or spouse means looking at them as a fellow “brother” or “sister” in Christ, a soul that has been redeemed and is called righteous just as you are.

Forgiving someone who is not a believer is loving our enemies just as we are instructed to, and looking at them as souls in need of a Savior. Wading through the consequences of the wrongs done might take longer. Knowing how to fix a toxic relationship can involve deeper issues that will take time to understand. Take it to the Lord in prayer, search His Word for wisdom, and seek out good, God-centered counsel.

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. – 1 Corinthians 6:8

When it comes to sex, we see that nothing is new under the sun. In Paul’s day, sex of all kinds was normal for most people. This included adultery, prostitution, pedophilia, homosexuality, etc. Sex outside of marriage was accepted as normal, just as it is today. Paul states you must flee from sexual immorality. It’s wiser to escape from this sin than be subdued by it (Genesis 39:7-12). You are only harming yourself and others involved.

Paul fought against the casual attitude toward it by some Christians and the pain it causes to both spouses. Today we still commit these sins. This causes friction, bad attitudes, and bad relationships. You will need to learn how to fix this toxic relationship.

Rely on the Lord. Pray for a resolution that will return the love you feel for your spouse and an escape from any relationship that does not honor God by respecting the design of sex to be between a married man and woman. Seek counsel to help point you to God’s will.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others. – Philippians 2:3-4

Paul once more tells us to treat others’ needs as more important than our own, and other people as greater than us. By doing this, you will achieve the kind of humility that results in love and unity. His goal was to center attention on other people, not yourself. We need to do this in our personal relationships and marriages.

By treating people with respect, you will be influencing the relationship out of toxicity. There will be the most opportunity for harmony and understanding of each other’s needs when at least one person is honoring the Lord. There may still be conflict, but true love will, with God’s help, see you through such times as you look to suffer well and seek out the other soul’s good above your own.

I appeal to you brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine you have been taught; avoid them. For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naïve. – Romans 16:17-18

Paul begs the Christians in Rome to be on their guard against false teaching, by holding to the truth they know and protecting it at all costs. He knew that others would come after him and try to sow division and confusion in the church, seeking after their own selfish desires.

Fixing a toxic relationship is a manner of speaking the truth to one another, whether at home, the office, or with anyone. Cling to the gospel to see your way through any measure of toxic relationship. Put everything to the test of Scripture to make straight your paths.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

With this chapter, it’s easy to see that love conquers all. There is nothing it can’t overcome. This is the love of Christ. As followers of Christ, we strive to love like this by the power of the Holy Spirit. Knowing how to fix a toxic relationship is using this love for every relationship. The Lord will show you how if you ask Him. Evil is overcome by the power of love.

It is quite clear in these verses that love should dominate our thoughts and actions. How to fix a toxic relationship then becomes a simple matter of understanding God’s love and loving the other person, with guidance from a Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling.

Get help with your relationships today by reaching out to a therapist on our website.

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What is Forgiveness, Really? Forgiveness Defined

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Facing the need to forgive someone can be a struggle for many, begging the question, “What is forgiveness, really?” How does one know when they truly have forgiven? Whether you have been on the receiving or giving end, consider these layers of forgiveness.

Defined.

There are multiple layers to forgiveness to understand, including but not limited to: letting go, forgetting, expectations, and behaviors. In a small, informal poll on forgiveness, it was shown that the definition varies from person to person.

The one common factor of each participant’s definition was that a change for the giver of forgiveness occurred once forgiveness was granted. Forgiveness can equate to some or all of the layers being changed. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help guide you through the process of forgiveness and healing.

Layers of forgiveness: letting go.

Letting go of something is a basic definition of forgiveness. This layer implies that once forgiveness is granted, the wrongdoer is no longer held to account for the wrongdoing. It can also imply that the wrongdoing no longer bothers the one who is forgiving.

That being said, letting go does not have to equal both of those right away, as it takes time for the emotional impact of wrongs stirred up in memory to lessen its grip on those called to forgive. Whether the emotional impact ever entirely goes away or can be forgotten is not predictable.

Layers of forgiveness: forgetting.

Forgiving and forgetting are commonly linked together. In Christian circles, they take root with principles drawn from verses like Psalm103:12, which speaks of God removing our sins from us as far as the east is from the west. The only trouble is, forgetting is not something that can be guaranteed.

In fact, it is difficult to prove that forgetting something can be willed. The more impactful the wrong, the more likely it is that it will be more difficult to forget. So with this layer, it is important to consider two things:

First, as a forgiver, be clear with yourself that remembering does not mean it is happening again, nor does remembering mean that you haven’t forgiven.

Second, as one who is forgiving someone, there will be a variety of ways your memory of the wrongdoing can be triggered throughout any moment in time (i.e. similar emotions rising, similar tones/expressions/circumstances, similar relationship dynamics, etc.). Take care to set reasonable expectations about your ability to forget.

Layers of forgiveness: new expectations.

What does it mean to forgive, really? Setting new expectations is an important layer of forgiveness. Some consider forgiveness to include the expectation that the relationship with a wrongdoer is perfectly intact as it was before any wrongdoing. Others consider themselves responsible to expect no further wrong will be done; otherwise, a lack of trust would demonstrate a lack of forgiveness.

Both of those views on setting new expectations have dangerous implications. It may be so that a forgiving person is to set new expectations for the relationship with the wrongdoer, but careful consideration must be made so as not to confuse forgiveness with blind acceptance and false expectations over what is not in one’s control.

Forgiveness includes washing away the expectation of someone needing to pay for a wrong, such as with a debt. In some relationships, forgiveness may still require expectation of change in the boundaries and interactions (i.e. prohibiting them from having access to you in the same capacity as before).

Layers of forgiveness: new behaviors.

Along the lines of changing how much access you give a wrongdoer to you once forgiveness is established, the behaviors you display toward this individual need to be considered in order to align with your forgiveness.

With the definition of forgiveness including washing away the expectation of someone needing to pay for the wrongdoing, forgiving someone necessitates the behavior of self-control on the forgiver’s part. This equates to not bringing up the wrong that was forgiven in expectation that the wrongdoer should feel remorse again.

Other new behaviors to be considered are whether or not you allow yourself to engage in a similar fashion with the wrongdoer. For example, if you decide to treat them as though they will never change from their wrongdoing ways, you may discontinue engaging with them or treat them as “less than” or with contempt.

It would be difficult to prove that these new behaviors, not to be confused with acting with caution, would indicate a heart of forgiveness. To differentiate between the two, a helpful question can be:

“Am I able to not hold them accountable while hoping that they change in the time I am separate from them, or am I requiring change/payment/retribution in order to let the issue go and condemning them to be only ever a wrongdoer?”

By asking this question honestly, one can get back to the heart of forgiveness and whether it has truly happened.

Next steps.

Forgiveness is as much complex as it is simple. It is defined as washing away the debt of someone who owes. This comes with a change of expectations and behaviors toward any wrongdoer. As Christians, we are called to forgive and forgive again.

Forgiving someone can be difficult to navigate for many reasons. There is wisdom in seeking counsel while seeking to forgive someone and managing all of the issues and emotions that come along with it. If you need support, reach out me or another Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling in our online directory today.

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