How to Help Children of Divorce: Advice from a Christian Counselor in Huntington Beach, CA

/in , , , , ,

Children of divorce may require more attention, encouragement, and support. Although the rate of divorce has been declining over the past two decades, at least 40% of first-time marriages end in divorce. The rate increases in subsequent marriages.

You can help your children find their footing, adapt, and thrive by working together, providing stability, teaching them how to regulate emotions, and leaning into God.

Tips for Helping Children of Divorce

Helping children of divorce cope with changes in a positive way can build emotional resilience and reassure them that they are still loved. You can establish these guideposts by providing a stable environment, acknowledging their thoughts and feelings, working to co-parent, and providing support from other sources. Uniting as a family to serve and worship in the church and community can teach children empathy as they learn about others.

Adjusting to a new normal is hard for both parents and children. Sometimes you need more guidance. Don’t be afraid of seeking professional help during this season. Christian counseling combines evidence-based psychological methods with faith-based principles, helping people work through hard seasons while drawing closer to God.

The following are several tips to help children of divorce adapt and thrive.

Build a stable environment

Children need stability. They need to know that they have a safe space to lay their head down at night and to be with a parent. During a divorce, so much can be up in the air, including living arrangements.

Often, parents start divorce proceedings and are unsure if they will sell their home and split the difference, if one parent will remain in the home, or if both parents need to move out of a rented place immediately.

In some circumstances, divorce is due to violent actions on the part of one parent, leaving the other parent to flee to safety. Trying to build a safe environment for your children helps to ease the tension and anxiety they feel.

If possible, make arrangements as soon as you become aware that divorce is impending. If it is an immediate separation due to divorce, confide in friends and family about a safe place to live temporarily while you find more secure housing. Inform your child that this is only temporary, but they will still be surrounded by love.

Remember that older children hurt too

We can get so bogged down with divorce proceedings that we forget that older children are not meant to shoulder the responsibility of carrying our emotions or raising younger siblings. Single parents tend to rely on older children for help.

Although older children should take on more responsibility as they grow, expecting them to act like adults or confiding in them as if they are adults will only cause feelings of resentment, bitterness, and anger to fester.

Older children hurt too, although they may be better at keeping it hidden. Your younger child may cry at night, but an older child may act out in other ways. They may have mood swings, lash out at younger siblings, develop behavioral issues in school, or suffer academically. Take the time to listen to your older child. Ask them questions about their thoughts and feelings, and acknowledge their insecurities.

Explain to them that a divorce is necessary after all avenues have been considered, but don’t go into the details of every argument between you and your spouse. Consider speaking to the teacher or counselor at your child’s school to inform them about a significant life event affecting your child that may impact their behavior or academics.

Try to coparent effectively

Coparenting can be tricky. First, you need to have a civil relationship with your ex. You do not need to be overly friendly, but you do need to work together for the sake of your children and maintain a positive relationship.

Children can sense the tension between parents during exchanges, and this can add to their anxiety. Try to keep the conversation focused on the children, updating the other parent about physical, emotional, and behavioral health, as well as academic performance.

If possible, try to attend extracurricular activities, especially games or performances. Even if you do not arrive together or sit together, your children will see that you both still support them in their endeavors. Decide on a reward system at your home and give your children your expectations of their behavior, but also be aware of your ex’s rules at their home.

Consider a mediator if you find it challenging to agree with the other parent. You may need someone else to help with exchanging the children temporarily until the newness of the separation and divorce is less emotionally charged and raw.

Keep schedules consistent

Children need routine to feel secure and stable in their environment and in relationships. Try to keep their daily and weekly schedules consistent, so they know what to expect.

For example, if you choose a coparenting schedule where the parents alternate weeks, keep that schedule. If something changes, inform your children about the change and whether it is temporary (for example, a parent has to travel for work and cannot take them that week) or permanent (the new schedule will be split into Sunday through Wednesday with Mom and Thursday through Sunday afternoon with Dad).

For teen children, consider asking them about what works better for them. It may be that walking home to Mom’s house after school is easier than waiting for the school bus to get dropped off at Dad’s home. Although you want to keep schedules consistent, both parents should remain flexible and be willing to change to make things smoother for the family.

Serve as a family

Family can be more than blood-related individuals. During and after a divorce is a good time to lean further into your church family.

Take your children to church and serve as a family in various ministries in and outside of the church. Your children learn to think about others, empathize, and see how they can be the hands and feet of Jesus to a hurting world. Schedule volunteer opportunities into your calendar and hang them up where the children can see.

Give them as much importance as you do doctor appointments or school. When children grow up doing good and showing Christ’s kindness to others in a family where religious beliefs are deemed necessary, the children are at a decreased risk of developing suicidal ideation or attempts, according to a study published in 2019 in Ethics Med Public Health.

Ask your church or local community center about volunteer opportunities. If you do not have a home church, ask friends and family about their churches or visit churches in your area that preach the Word of God and have a thriving children’s ministry.

Seek help as a family

Although it can be challenging, consider family counseling during or after divorce to help make coparenting smoother. Both parents can attend a few sessions with their children and work with a counselor to agree on schedules and expectations. After a divorce, as parents begin to date others and possibly remarry, family counseling can help in the introduction of new people into the children’s lives and blended family scenarios.

By seeking help as a family, you are reassuring your children that you want what is best for them and are willing to admit when you need help. Children learn life skills that will help them build emotional resilience.

Christian Counseling During and After Divorce

Children of divorce can struggle with the transition. Depending on the circumstances, these children may blame themselves, feel unseen, or even be angry. It’s okay to seek help from an unbiased third party at this time. A Christian counselor can help the whole family in the transition during and after divorce.

Contact our facility today to schedule a session with a counselor specializing in divorce and family counseling.

Resources:
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7430948/

Photo:
“Little Boy Playing”, Courtesy of Yunus Tuğ, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; 

Beyond the Obvious Red Flags: Why Teen Drug Abuse Is Easier to Hide Than Ever Before

/in , ,

When assessing potential teen drug abuse, your teen’s overall disposition offers a more telling picture than statistical data. Their bedroom door isn’t left open as much. When they do come downstairs, they answer with one-word responses. You used to know all their friends, but suddenly none of them come over anymore. It’s tempting to write these changes off as typical teenage behavior. I mean, they are supposed to be trying to break away from you, right? Of course, physical changes in behavior are important.

Let’s start with a look at what the statistics have to say about teen drug use.

Teen Drug Abuse in American Homes by the Numbers

Using nationwide data from the CDC and the yearly NIDA Monitoring the Future survey, we can see the extent of drug use numbers facing American parents right now.

Current statistics show a dip in traditional drug consumption levels. But still, the data shows that 1 in 3 teenagers has misused a substance or tried an illicit drug by their senior year of high school. This is because modes of consumption are changing every year.

Did you know that vaping has surpassed other methods as the preferred way teens are using drugs?

Vape pens and edibles together made up nearly 70% of the THC usage for last year’s graduating seniors during their time in high school. Not only can teens vape without emitting a bad smell, but the substances are also easy to hide.

That said, vaping isn’t the only thing parents aren’t seeing. Today, one of the most concerning issues is fake prescription pills. Pills and gummies that teens are taking might unknowingly contain enough potent opioids or synthetic drugs to be lethal.

The Lure of The Instant Off Switch

Any type of drug that can provide someone with an instant numbing or off switch from life is highly addictive. When your teen takes something and instantly feels better, they’ll want to repeat those feelings. They think drugs are their way of numbing big emotions without anyone getting hurt, including themselves.

We know what you’re thinking: “Wait, is my teen not just moody or depressed?” Substance abuse symptoms can mimic or hide emotional health issues. Your teen could appear angry, tired, depressed, or anxious every day. But your teen may not actually be depressed. Your teen’s behavior and mood could be a side effect of using.

The initial rush that drugs provide can feel like the relief your teen is desperate for. But the chemicals they are putting into their bodies to push away their emotions only temporarily mask those feelings. What happens later is that those drugs cause your teen to be unable to produce feel-good chemicals naturally, leading them to feel more anxious and stressed than before.

The Signs of Teen Drug Abuse You Might Not Be Looking For

Drug use isn’t what it used to be. Your teen doesn’t come home smelling like weed or beer. Here are some other red flags you should be looking for:

  • Use of energy drinks to cover up a lack of sleep
  • They are obsessively watching you when you leave specific rooms
  • Constantly charging portable USB batteries
  • They are using excessive amounts of room spray, deodorant, or perfume

Helping Teens Cope with Stress the Right Way

Pay attention to how your teen is feeling. Really listen to what they have to say. Try not to ask questions that assume they are lying.

Say you’ve noticed they spend a lot of time in their room or by themselves. Tell them you love them and you miss them, and ask how their heart feels. Here are some ideas on how you can help your teen replace unhealthy coping mechanisms.

  • Encourage your teen to recognize their feelings rather than burying them.
  • Physical activity can be a fantastic method for the body to process excess cortisol.
  • Encourage them to start simpler hobbies like journaling, reading, or creating art

Christian Counseling for Teens in Huntington Beach, CA

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting your teenager therapy or family counseling.

Therapy can allow your teen to feel like they have a judgment-free zone to open up. Sometimes kids feel like their parents and their friends won’t understand what they are going through. Contact our reception team today to talk about how to get your teenager started.

Photo:
“Smoker”, Courtesy of Nastia Petruk, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

When Everything Seems Better Online: Effects of Social Media on a Teen’s Creativity and Confidence

/in , ,

🎧 Listen to this article

For many teens now, hobbies and passions are no longer being discovered through good old trial and error. Instead, many things that interest young people are now filtered through social media algorithms that decide what’s worth trying. Many now spend more time watching hobbies than trying them, even though the interest in learning new things doesn’t go away. The effects of social media on creativity and confidence are subtle but powerful, shaping how teens see themselves and what they believe they can do. If you’re a teen, you probably relate to this too.

You open a social media app for a quick break, yet before you even notice, an hour has passed while you scroll through video after video of people painting, baking, coding, dancing, and creating things that make you think, “I wish I could do that.”

At first glance, it feels inspiring, yet something strange happens just as quickly. The initial curiosity in the hobbies slowly fades as you get sucked into another interesting fad.

Why scrolling through social media is overtaking creating.

We now live in a world where hobbies are no longer the first thing that comes to mind when free time appears. Social media makes it easy to watch others live out their passions, but it also makes starting something new feel intimidating.

Instead, scrolling through feeds and chasing trends takes up hours that used to be filled with learning guitar, sketching, or experimenting with new skills. Teens are growing up mostly scrolling through someone else’s creativity instead of exploring their own. Picking up a guitar, sketching a rough drawing, or baking a messy cake suddenly feels like it’s not good enough compared to the polished clips online.

Social media feeds the mind with endless ideas, yet it also trains it to keep moving, to expect quick results, and to judge every interest before it even begins. When every hobby online looks polished and perfect, the act of picking up a skill or learning something new from scratch starts to feel harder than simply scrolling to the next video.

The Pressure of Online Perfection

Creativity thrives on curiosity, mistakes, patience, and practice. Most hobbies begin with clumsy attempts, uneven paintings, off-key songs, or projects that fall apart. Offline, this is normal. Online, it’s not so much.

As a young person, if you’re only seeing the finished product, you’re losing the freedom to explore and experiment freely.

Social media celebrates quick success and dramatic transformations, compressing months of effort into seconds. Teens begin to expect instant results, and when progress feels slow, confidence drops. When algorithms guide that exploration, you focus your passions on superficial things like popularity rather than personal interest or personal growth.

Easy steps to break the loop:

  • Choose hobbies that show steady progress early, like painting or photography.
  • Keep early projects private.
  • Track progress in a notebook instead of waiting for likes.

Social Media: Creativity Without an Audience

Social media has turned hobbies into performances. Young people especially feel pressure to share every step online, shifting the purpose from personal joy to public approval. This takes away the private satisfaction of discovery and makes hobbies feel like content creation.

Ways to reclaim creativity:

  • Set aside time for hobbies without online distractions.
  • Try one activity each week that has nothing to do with what shows up in your feed.
  • Spend time in spaces where algorithms don’t decide what you see, like local clubs or community centers.

The Freedom of Doing Something No One Will See

Social media has turned hobbies into performances. Everyone feels the need to share every achievement online, which changes the purpose of the activities from personal enjoyment to public approval. This takes away the private joy of discovery and makes hobbies feel like content creation.

The conversation around the effects of social media on teens touches more than screen time. It reaches into confidence, identity, and the way you discover your interests. The more you lose your curiosity as a teenager, the more you lose an important space for creativity and personal growth.

If you’re a teenager or you have a teenager at home feeling discouraged, anxious, or unmotivated by anything, professional counseling can help.

A qualified counselor can help you rebuild healthy hobbies and reconnect with meaningful interests. Consider reaching out to a licensed professional listed on this site or call the numbers on the screen for support. A simple conversation with the right professional opens the door to healthier habits and a renewed sense of curiosity.

Photo:
“Girls and Social Media”, Courtesy of Pocstock, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Teen Trouble in the Group Chat

/in , , , ,

It started as a “harmless” joke. One message, barely a sentence long, was tossed into the group chat like it was no big deal. However, in the world of teenagers, one simple, benign statement can quickly escalate into something much bigger. Tone gets lost, and screenshots get passed around and last forever. And soon, you have teen trouble in the form of a crying or angry teenager on your hands.

The problem with teen trouble and drama (or really every age group) is that it comes out of nowhere. At first, everyone “lol’d” or whatever form of cyber chuckling is popular this week. There were a few laugh-cry emojis too, which are basically the same thing. Then came the snarky replies, a few hurtful memes, and someone added a GIF of a dramatic eyeroll. That’s when things shifted.

Suddenly, the vibe went from lighthearted to tense. What began as a joke became fuel for a blaze of emotions. Teens often don’t realize just how quickly group chats can spiral, especially when there’s no adult in sight, no tone of voice to clarify the intent, and no one brave enough to stand up and say, “Hey, this isn’t cool!”

Maybe the sling of criticism from their peers is deliberate and malicious. Perhaps the attackers are bold because they hide behind a screen in the safety of their own private space.

And here’s where teen trouble takes root: in the quiet confidence and anonymity where bullies thrive, in the silence of the bystanders, and in the groupthink that pushes things just a bit too far. Real feelings are bruised by digital words.

Group chats are a tool of the enemy?

Group chats can be great. They’re a lifeline for social connection, humorous reels, and even emotional support. But without boundaries, they can also become the breeding ground for passive aggression, bullying, and emotional isolation. What feels like innocent “texting” to one person may feel like public humiliation to another. And that bully who isn’t all that brave? Well, they suddenly have a platform.

The truth is, teens are still figuring out how to handle conflict, how to detect nuance, and how to speak up when something feels off. They are trying to learn how to control their impulses and reel in their reactionary behaviors and need for acceptance. In the group chat platform, that learning curve can be downright brutal; mistakes get magnified, screenshots get shared, and feelings get hurt in places that don’t always heal quickly.

Teen trouble: What can be done?

Start by talking about it seriously, not just lecturing or panicking when drama surfaces. Create a space where teens can process what’s happening with the loving support of the adults in their lives. Help teens recognize the red flags – when teasing stops being playful, when sarcasm becomes a weapon, or when someone stops replying entirely. Encourage empathy and remind them that behind every screen is a real person, with a real heart.

What if the damage has already been done?

If your child has been the victim of cyberbullying or even the unfortunate subject of a “tease” gone too far, there is hope. Faith in God is a powerful anchor. Remind teens, and yourself, that even when they feel misunderstood, less-than, and overwhelmed, God sees them. He knows their hurt and hears their cries, and He promises to be near the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).

Encourage your teen to pray, journal, and read their Bible to help anchor themselves in the one who will never betray them or send a snarky meme. And hug them tight, reminding them that they are loved.

Therapy can also make a massive difference. Words spoken into their hearts can have a big effect. Many of those words from peers can be damaging, but a professional therapist can help to uproot those seeds of pain and help your child learn to deal with the scars left by hurtful words, and they can plant healthy, positive words into their hearts.

Educate teens to prevent cyberbullying

While it might seem like “just words on a screen” to a teenager trying to find acceptance in their group of peers, those words can cut deep. Remind your teens that their worth is not found in group chats, reactions, or even in the silent pauses of “ghosting,” but in something much greater and unshakable.

Teach them to ask themselves some important questions before they hit the send button. “Would I say this to their face?” “Is this kind?” and “Could this be misunderstood?” are all questions that might induce pause and realization and might protect the realization and the hurting teen.

Teen drama isn’t confined to the classroom or the Friday night game anymore. Sometimes it’s happening right there in their pocket, in real time. And the arguments and barbs that are sending your child into a reeling spiral of self-loathing and anger may be silent to your ear, but echo loudly in their hearts.

If your teen has been a victim of cyberbullying, help them find healing. Connect them with a professional Christian counselor in Huntington Beach, California who can help them handle the complexities of being a teen in the digital age. Contact us today at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to learn more.

Photo:
“Group Chat”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

All in the Family: Encouraging Children with Different Birth Order to Get Along

/in , , , ,

You may have heard of how birth order can influence a child’s personality and behavior. For example, the firstborn child may be more responsible, dependable, and organized compared to their siblings. The youngest child is more coddled, less disciplined, and takes risks. Middle children have a reputation for feeling left out and becoming sensitive to rejection, but tend to be people-pleasers and sociable.

Getting Different Birth Order Children to Get Along

How do you help your children get along with so many possible personality clashes from birth order? There are several things you can do to ease the tension in a household with two or more siblings.

Don’t compare

Resist the urge to compare one child’s behavior to their sibling’s behavior. It is easy to slip and say, “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?” Comparison only leads to negative feelings between siblings. Each child is unique in how they process information, express emotions, and behave. Instead of comparing, guide your child by leading with their strengths.

Spend quality time with each child

No matter where they are in the birth order, children crave attention and affection from their parents. They need someone who loves them to listen to and enjoy their interests. Spending quality time with each child separately makes each one feel special and strengthens the bond between parent and child.

Whether you go on an adventure together, play a game, or watch a movie curled up on the couch, you’re not only spending time with your child, but you are also creating memories. Each child needs a bond with their parent that is unique to them. Schedule play dates and other outings with each child. Some parents refer to this as a date or make it into their own special holiday (example: Mary’s Day or date night with John).

Teach children to actively listen to each other

Children in families tend to either ignore or fight their siblings. They don’t take the time to understand the other’s point of view. Part of this could be personality-based or the fact that they share the same household and must vie for the parents’ attention.

Teach your children to use their words to express their feelings to each other. Teach them how to resolve conflicts and manage anger without hurting someone.

As children grow, hormones and mental conditions can cause mood swings, irritability, and impulsiveness. Consult with a family counselor to learn the best way to teach your children communication skills.

Don’t put all your trust into birth order traits

Birth order traits are common personality traits and behaviors associated with the position of a child in the family. It does not mean that your child will fall into a specific category and be “wrong” if their personality traits overlap.

For example, perhaps your youngest child has more personality traits similar to an oldest child rather than being limited to one category. Don’t limit their abilities to a birth order chart or stereotypes.

Christian Family Counseling in Huntington Beach

If your home feels more like a war zone when the kids are out of school, family counseling might be the answer. The family is an essential unit for raising productive, loving, emotionally resilient, and stable young adults. Let us help you with Christian family counseling in Huntington Beach, California.

When you connect with us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling, we match you with a Christian counselor in Huntington Beach who specializes in family issues, conflict resolution, and anger management. Counseling goes beyond birth order traits and combines evidence-based methods and Christian principles.

Connect with us today to get started.

Photo:
“Sun Setting Behind Dock”, Courtesy of Marc Serota, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

The Struggle of Parenting Teenagers: Part Two

/in , , ,

The struggle of parenting teenagers is real; am I right?

It’s the age where independence and peer focus skyrocket to a whole new level. It’s the age where parents’ fears resurface from the beginning of their lives: “Who will they turn out to be?” “Will life go well for them?” “Will they be successful?”

These are just a few of the questions asked by parents across the world. As teenagers mature into adulthood, parents are faced with the final years of pouring themselves into their kids. Along with that come new challenges, new struggles, and unknowns no one could have predicted.

In part one of this two-part series, “The Struggle of Parenting Teenagers,” we took a look at common struggles teenagers deal with while they try out new behaviors, understand in new ways, and feel new levels of emotions. In part one, we also dove deeper into the common responses parents give to their teenagers in the face of these struggles and highlighted the potential shortcomings of these responses.

Here in part two of this series, we will develop a set of alternative responses when things get hard with teenagers. Whether the first response goes well for you or not, these responses deserve some thought as you navigate your teenager’s developing years.

There is no perfect formula. No, one-size-fits-all approach that will get you the perfect teenager and the “perfect parent” award. Instead, the list below is meant to serve as more in your arsenal of thought and behavior toward your teenager as you guide them through these next formative years of their lives.

Alternative Responses in Parenting Teenagers

In place of or in addition to any of the responses detailed in part one, here are some responses for parents to consider when facing difficult teenage behavior.

Give time

Giving teenagers your time can be an impactful response (whether appreciated at first or not) to a teenager who is engaging in problematic behavior.

This response looks like selecting an amount of time according to the type of behavior (maybe starting with a week, or trying it for a month), and engaging in intentional time with your teenager each day or instead of alternative activities (e.g., in place of going to practice, the teenager stays home with the parent and plays games, finishes house projects, completes Bible studies, exercise, etc.).

Engage with the church

In the Body of Christ, there are people of faith, old and mature enough to pour their energy, experience, and love into youth. During times when you, as the parent, cannot be with the teenager, and during even times when you can, consider setting up time for your child to spend time with other people of faith. This allows the teenager to spend time with and talk to someone who is not a parent, but who shares similar values to you.

Be the leader

As a leader in the home, taking the initiative to model the desired behavior of the teenager goes a long way. This includes refraining from electronic use while in their presence, engaging in church and/or community activities, etc.

If you feel like you’re already doing all of this, you’re off to a great start. Consider how you can come along with your teenager during this time and engage with them while they are participating in positive activities.

Have heart-to-hearts

Your teenager may be the strong, silent type. Try utilizing different locations, environments, and activities to open them up. Consistency works wonders in training them up to expect you will be talking with them, and that they will be expected to talk with you.

Activities can look as simple as Q&A prompts or magazine quizzes. Take things up a notch by shooting some hoops or going to miniature golf. Don’t be afraid of going to grab some ice cream and walking on the beach.

Engage in a service/community mindset

Teenagers are capable of serving major roles in the family and community. Their impact can be as large as the functioning of the family home, or stretch into the external workings of the city they live in.

If the teenager doesn’t play an active role in the home, now is a great time to establish one or more. These roles can include spending time with siblings, helping out around the house, serving the grandparents, volunteer work, community service, etc.

Where to look for help

Parents and teenagers need lots of support. There are new things to face and new expectations to live by for everyone. The struggle of parenting teenagers (as well as being a teenager) is even more difficult without a community or proper sources to lean on.

Everyone has opinions, so when it comes to taking advice, it is important to vet it.

The Bible

The Bible is a source of wisdom and truths that are unchanging and full of promise. When looking to the Bible for counsel, be careful to study the heart of God in the matter-not just taking a verse and blanketing it over your situation based on your own understanding. Using the Bible as a source of counsel comes by studying the word, the context of each word, and gaining an understanding of who God is and His instructions for us, His followers.

If your teenager is not a follower of Christ and doesn’t recognize the Bible’s authority over them, it is important to take counsel from the Bible for your actions as a parent, as well as how to address unbelievers. This is in addition to how God wants your teenager to be counseled by His Word to become a believer and gain assurance of their salvation.

Don’t assume the Bible will have meaning in your teenager’s life before a) you work on your own life, and b) your teenager has been saved.

People

People are an essential part of our lives. We need people to help us function and thrive. God Himself tells us through the Bible how our influences not only matter, but also how the Church is a critical part of our spiritual growth and faith journeys.

Understandably, it can be difficult to establish relationships with good, faith-filled people. Time, effort, grace, and forgiveness are necessary components of keeping and growing healthy relationships; most of those are in short supply because of one thing or another.

How, then, does one go about choosing people to speak into and influence our lives and the lives of our teenagers? The first step is to pray. Pray for the wisdom of both you and the people you are choosing. Pray for the strength to stand up for what is right. Pray for a filling of time, effort, grace, and forgiveness in all parties involved.

The next step is to reach out. If you are already involved in some sort of church group or have family that hold strong Christian values, you’ve got a ready-made pool of people to invite to pray with you, spend time with you, counsel you, and spend time with or counsel your teenager.

If you do not already have a built-in group to select from, then getting involved in one can take time you don’t feel like you have. The beauty of God being outside of time is that He has already gone before you in this and is not anxious for things to move at a specific speed. So, it’s time to get serious about getting involved with your local church.

In the meantime, while you are working on growing relationships and testing those waters for your family, try connecting with the resources of trusted theologians. These resources can include sermons, commentaries, web articles, books, podcasts, etc.

When evaluating your options for who to get closer with and connect your teenager with, consider exploring the book of Titus. In just three chapters, the book of Titus lays out guidelines for leaders. From how they are to be behaving in life, to what their family’s behavior looks like, to what they teach.

Church Family

While a church family is included in the people who can support you during the parenting years, a church family serves as a greater source of encouragement. Involving yourself in church is an important part of living as a Christian and shepherding your family in Godly ways.

This is more than just serving in a ministry and going on Sundays. Involving yourself in church to the level of church becoming a family means being sharpened, sharpening others, discipling others, being discipled, using your gifts, being poured into, and pouring out into others.

Most of the New Testament letters to the churches outline God’s design for you and your family to be a part of His Body. They are there for you to study and guide you through every struggle you can face in the church.

Family

Family is an important part of every teenager’s life. Whatever state your family is in, start there.

Strengthening relationships is the next step. This includes your teenager as well as interactions between your teenager and other members of your family. This is done by taking time to invest by listening, enjoying each other’s company, engaging in new or liked activities by each party (it doesn’t have to be liked by both/all parties), and/or working on chores/household/service projects.

Role models are another important area to evaluate when parenting. You are a role model to your teenager; which other adults are as well? Are you being protective and supportive in teaching your teenager how to discern between positive and negative role models?

Lastly, your teenager is a role model for others who are younger (in addition to the influence they have over their peers). Have you done the work to pour into your teenager the teaching necessary for developing a value system and way of behaving that properly encourages them for such a role?

How do you know if you need a therapist for parenting teenagers?

When you don’t know where to start addressing the struggle of parenting teenagers, your first thought can be to contact an expert and get counsel. Reaching out to a Christian therapist can be an appropriate first step for you to have space and counsel to work on your struggles.

If you are not yet connected to a church or have limited access to support, then a Christian counselor can be a support while you develop those relationships.

If there are few or no trusted adults to support your teenager, then a Christian counselor can be a support while you seek out and develop relationships. Do not discount your own relationship with your teenager in this equation. Developing a trusted relationship can take some time, and the teenager’s willingness will be a factor.

Maybe you need help mediating between you and your spouse about parenting teenagers. A Christian counselor would be appropriate help for the two of you in addressing the struggle of parenting teens together. If you see yourself as disconnected from your teen, a Christian therapist can help you reconnect with your child.

Wherever you are on the journey, if you need support, we have therapists available to talk this week. Check us out at https://cachristiancounseling.com/

Photos:
“Mother and Son”, Courtesy of picturism, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Handshake”, courtesy of jackmac34, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Sitting on a Park Bench”, Courtesy of Surprising_Media, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Family on the Beach”, Courtesy of chillla70, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

Different Types of Eating Disorders: Anorexia Nervosa

/in , , , ,

Probably the most well-known of the different types of eating disorders is anorexia nervosa. According to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD) statistics, “anorexia has the highest case mortality rate and the second highest crude mortality rate of any mental illness.”

The good news is that anorexia is treatable, and you can get your physical and mental health back on track with medical and psychological help. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can provide support during your recovery journey.

What is anorexia nervosa?

Anorexia nervosa (commonly referred to as anorexia) is a dangerous eating disorder with a high mortality rate. Those with anorexia suffer from more than emotional turmoil; their physical health is in jeopardy.

Anorexia behavior includes starvation. This may be a blatant refusal of food or eating minimal food when offered. The most common symptom of anorexia is a gaunt and underweight appearance. Bones may be visible without clothing. The person with anorexia may see themselves differently in the mirror, however. Anorexia is often comorbid with body dysmorphic disorder. They may see themselves as larger than they are or have a deep-seated fear of gaining weight.

According to the ANAD statistics, out of the different types of eating disorders, those with anorexia face an 18% higher suicide rate than their peers without an eating disorder. Those with anorexia can also encounter more degenerate physical health. Medical treatment is a priority for these patients. Once their physical health is stable, the work to heal the psychological damage can commence.

The symptoms of anorexia nervosa.

The symptoms of anorexia include:

  • Refusing to eat.
  • Denying hunger.
  • Only eating specific foods with little to no nutritional value.
  • Adhering to rigid food rules.
  • Starving oneself.
  • Underweight.
  • Protruding bones under clothing.
  • Brittle hair and nails.
  • Dry skin.
  • Severe dehydration.
  • Dizziness.
  • Fainting.
  • Low blood pressure.
  • Slow heart rate.
  • Nutritional deficiencies.
  • Anxiety.
  • Depression.
  • Poor body image.
  • Irregular periods or amenorrhea.

Due to the nutritional deficiencies and extreme weight loss, physical health is a concern. If left untreated, anorexia can lead to organ failure. Medical professionals prioritize physical health to help the patient’s body stabilize.

Treatment for anorexia nervosa.

Once the person with anorexia is stable physically, treatment for the mental disorder can begin. A counselor will assess the person’s behavior and listen to them share their thoughts and emotions before creating a care plan. To treat the compulsions that drive anorexic behavior, counselors must understand the thoughts behind the actions. The counselor and client build a rapport and a safe relationship that allows the freedom to share.

Counselors may use several different types of eating disorder treatments depending on the client’s assessment and level of severity of anorexia.

Individual talk therapy.

There may be a reason that a client turns to anorexia that goes beyond wanting to be a smaller size or not wanting to gain weight. Exactly why do they feel the need? Why are they afraid? A counselor helps the client work through these issues and triggers.

 

Group therapy.

People are stronger together, especially those who have overcome anorexia, and are willing to share with others. Group therapy is a safe space to share and gain insight from others while being led by a professional mental health care worker.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

This technique helps clients to identify triggers, emotions, and thoughts that lead to anorexic behaviors. The client then can work with the counselor to learn ways to re-frame those thoughts and actions.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).

Although not explicitly created for eating disorders, DBT has proven helpful in helping a client with anorexia (or bulimia or binge eating) manage stressors and relationships instead of turning to the harmful behaviors associated with anorexia.

Nutrition education.

Nutritional education is a must to help the client adapt to a regular eating schedule with proper portions and variety. The menu may change as the client becomes healthier, allowing for a greater variety, but in the beginning, checking in with a nutritionist will keep treatment on track.

A counselor may incorporate several methods to help a client with anorexia. They may meet in person, virtually, or a combination of both.

Counseling for different types of eating disorders.

From the different types of eating disorders, do you struggle with anorexia nervosa? Do the symptoms sound familiar, but you do not quite meet the criteria for a full-blown eating disorder?

We can help. Contact our office today to schedule an assessment with a Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling. Your counselor will assess your health and help you connect with medical treatment if necessary while you work on the emotional and mental healing from anorexia.

Resources:
https://anad.org/eating-disorder-statistic/
Photos:
“Daisies”, Courtesy of Stijn Dijkstra, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Daisies”, Courtesy of Krystyna Zygalska, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Daisies”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

How to Spot ADHD Symptoms in Teens (and Help them Cope)

/in , , ,

ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects a child’s ability to stay focused, sit still, and/or control his or her impulses. It is a legitimate medical condition that requires special care and attention.

ADHD symptoms in teens usually manifest somewhat differently than they do in younger children or adults because of the distinctive aspects of this phase of life. Normal stressors such as rapidly changing bodies, hormonal changes, and the increased academic and social expectations of high school, tend to aggravate ADHD symptoms, making this an especially tough time for a teen with ADHD.

Teens with ADHD, for instance, tend to have lower grade point averages, complete and turn in a much lower percentage of classwork and homework assignments, and are much less likely to be working up to their potential. They are also more likely to be absent or tardy and to drop out of school. The Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can provide support to help teens with ADHD navigate these challenges effectively.

The earlier you recognize the symptoms and get help for your teen, the better the outcome.

Types of ADHD.

According to the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-5-TR), there are three types of ADHD: primarily inattentive, primarily impulsive/hyperactive, and a combination of the two.

In order to be diagnosed with ADHD, a teen must exhibit six or more of the symptoms in a category (five if they are over the age of 17); the symptoms must have started before they were 12 years old; been present for six months or longer; and impact their functioning in at least two settings such as home, school, or social.

Primarily inattentive ADHD.

Teens with primarily inattentive ADHD struggle to pay attention, stay focused on what they are doing, be organized, and complete tasks, which can have a severely negative impact on their performance at school. On the other hand, they do not usually have a problem managing their impulses or activity level. Symptoms include:

  • Difficulty understanding or following instructions.
  • Failure to pay attention to detail.
  • Making careless mistakes.
  • A wandering mind that seems far away when being spoken to.
  • Failure to follow through on instructions or finish assignments.
  • Inability to organize things.
  • Frequently losing or forgetting things.
  • Easily distracted.

Primarily impulsive/hyperactive ADHD.

Teens with primarily impulsive/hyperactive ADHD have a hard time controlling their impulses and will talk or act before they think; do things without asking for permission first; rush through their assignments, making many careless mistakes; and be prone to emotional outbursts or reactions that are inappropriate or out of proportion to the situation. Symptoms include:

  • Tendency to be restless, fidgety, and have trouble sitting still.
  • Inability to engage in activities quietly.
  • Easily bored.
  • Talking excessively and interrupting others who are speaking.
  • Calling out answers in class before the teacher finishes asking the question.
  • Trouble waiting in line or for their turn.
  • Impatient and easily frustrated.

Combined ADHD.

Combined ADHD is the most common type of ADHD. Teens with this type exhibit both inattentive and impulsive/hyperactive behaviors.

Helping your teen cope with the symptoms of ADHD.

  • Educate yourself about ADHD symptoms in teens and the challenges they create so you can better understand and support your teen.
  • Accept your teen for who he or she is.
  • Stay positive and encouraging.
  • Recognize that your teen’s symptoms cannot be fixed by rigid rules or parenting styles and that they are not due to a lack of discipline on his or her part.
  • Set clear expectations with consequences.
  • Praise and reward good behavior.
  • Don’t punish your teen for behavior he or she has no control over.
  • Target the ADHD and not your teen.
  • Focus on solutions to ADHD-related problems and helping your teen achieve them.
  • Help your teen with scheduling and keeping things organized.
  • Minimize stress and overstimulation in your home environment and keep distractions to a minimum.
  • Help your teen create and stick to regular routines that provide structure to his or her day.
  • Make sure your teen has access to any necessary accommodations in school.
  • Seek counseling for your teen and remain involved and supportive in his or her care.

Benefits of counseling for ADHD symptoms in teens.

A trained mental health professional can help your teen understand ADHD and equip him or her with the necessary skills to cope with the challenges created by his or her symptoms.

If you’re interested in learning more about ADHD symptoms in teens or would like to set up an appointment with a faith-based counselor specializing in teenage ADHD, please contact the Christian counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling today.

References:

David Perlstein. “Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) in Teens.” eMedicineHealth. emedicinehealth.com/adhd_in_teens/article_em.html.

Katie Hurley. “ADHD & Teens: How to Help Them Cope with Their Struggles.” Psycom. Updated October 17, 2022.

Zia Sherrell. “What to know about ADHD screening?” MedicalNewsToday. July 30, 2021. medicalnewstoday.com/articles/adhd-screening.

Photos:
“Girl With Fancy Braids”, Courtesy of Kateryna Hliznitsova, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Students”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Schoolgirl”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

When to Be Concerned about Child Behavior Problems

/in , , , ,

When should you be concerned about child behavior problems in your home?

We all have our moments of “cringe-worthy” behaviors. We say things we later regret or lie to get out of awkward situations. When we consider how difficult it is to control our own behaviors, just think of what a child goes through – with a brain that is still developing, and lacking the maturity and experience to understand all the consequences of negative behaviors. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help guide both children and parents through these challenges with effective strategies and support.

Even children who are usually well behaved may encounter a situation where they are so overcome by emotion that they “lose it” and engage in inappropriate behaviors. This is especially true of very young children whose emotions are still in the early stages of development.

Nevertheless, there are negative behaviors that should not be ignored in children, or they may become ingrained, interfering with the child’s relationships and daily life. Taking quick action to nip these problems in the bud will avoid them developing into serious issues that require professional intervention.

No matter what behavior issues you are going through with your child, take confidence! Your child can learn to control his or her emotions and behavior. As a child’s brain is still developing, the child has a surprising ability to learn new concepts and develop appropriate behaviors, under the guidance of parents and other caregivers.

In their book, No Drama Discipline (2014), authors Siegel and Bryson recommend that we “chase the why” when considering a child’s behavior problems. Rather than jumping to conclusions as to why a child is misbehaving, instead engage in some detective work and find the true answer.

Let’s take a look at ten child behavior problems that are common in children, yet absolutely cannot be ignored. These behaviors require swift intervention to bring them in check before they escalate. By exploring the reasons why your child may be engaging in these unwanted actions, you can devise an action plan of how to deal with them.

Child Behavior Problems You Shouldn’t Ignore

1. Telling Lies

We all know it’s wrong to tell a lie, but we all do it from time to time. No matter what age, lying is a significant problem when it becomes habitual – so ingrained that the person’s word cannot be trusted. Some children become repetitive liars, which can make it difficult for parents to know when to believe the child. This could even put the child in harm’s way.

Why does a child lie? A child may lie in order to avoid a feared or disliked activity. Children struggling with self-worth might tell stories in hopes of being admired by others. A child might lie to avoid being punished. When a child has failed at doing something, they might actually say that they were able to do it, in order to feel more self-confident.

Children with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) may be impulsive liars, where their mouth engages before their brain, according to Carol Brady, Ph.D., (ADDitude Magazine).

2. Stealing

When parents teach their children boundaries between what is theirs and what belongs to others, most children quickly learn that taking something that doesn’t belong to them is unacceptable. Unfortunately, some children develop a habit of stealing, for multiple reasons.

Perhaps they enjoy the thrill of swiftly taking something without being noticed and the adrenaline release. They might be attempting to gain control over a situation – such as when they perceive a disparity between what they have and what others have. Stealing may be a way of getting something parents don’t allow – such as candy.

3. Bullying, Harming Others, Self-Harming, and Property Destruction

No one wants to be the parent of the neighborhood bully. Rather than facing the fact that their child is hurting other people or purposefully breaking things, some parents simply ignore this violent behavior. Parents need to immediately address why their child is violent or destructive.

Violent or destructive behavior often results from deep-seated anger. The child may be receiving abuse from another child or adult. The child might be jealous if the parents’ attention is diverted to a new baby or to their career, and feel that negative attention is better than no attention.

Self-harming (hitting, scratching, or cutting themselves) is alarming behavior. Children may talk about hurting themselves or even committing suicide. Never ignore such talk or behaviors. It often indicates depression or other serious emotional issues. Immediately seek professional help if your child has suicidal ideations, is self-harming, or is violent toward others.

4. Temper Tantrums

Almost every small child has temper tantrums. Their brains are still growing rapidly, and they are learning how to regulate their emotions. When they encounter a stressful situation, such as getting tired and bored in the supermarket or getting over-stimulated, it might result in a “meltdown.”

Children who have sensitive natures – who experience strong emotions and take longer to recover from anger or sadness – are more prone to temper tantrums, even at an age when most of their peers have become relatively adept at emotional regulation.

When your child is having a meltdown, give the opportunity to regain control in as calm an environment as possible. Maintain your own composure, speak in a soft and matter-of-fact tone and try to remove the child from an over-stimulating environment. Don’t goad overwrought emotions further by reacting in exasperation.

If tantrums are occurring frequently, or it takes a long time for the child to regain control, or if the child is causing harm to self or others, or destroying property, then counseling is recommended. If you feel helpless and worn down by all the meltdowns, you will benefit by having someone come alongside to support and guide you in helping your child regulate emotions.

5. Belligerence and Defiance

If your child is usually cheerful and compliant, then abruptly begins to question your directives, or refuse to obey, this defiant attitude may be a way of asserting himself or testing boundaries. Your child may be disrespectful to you or other authority figures. Many times this behavior is picked up from peers or even TV shows.

You may be noticing your child has become combative and quarrelsome with his or her siblings, with friends, or even you. This may be a sign that the child is suffering from anxiety or depression, or may be feeling out of control.

6. Ignoring Others

If a child is habitually ignoring authority figures, it may be a display of defiance. If the child is ignoring even non-authority figures, it could be due to a hearing disorder, or the child could be going through internal struggles, withdrawing inwardly, and simply less aware of what is going on around him.

It could also be a sign of ADHD. With ADHD, children have trouble filtering the other sounds around them, in order to concentrate on what one person is saying. They also tend to get lost in a “dream world” and not focused on the matter at hand. If you’re seeing a lot of ignoring behaviors, you probably need professional help to determine if there’s a physical or emotional reason behind it.

7. Refusing To Go to School

If you child frequently complains of headaches or stomach aches on school days, has meltdowns right before the school bus shows up, or simply takes hours getting out of bed and ready for school, these are all signs that the child is resisting going to school. Now it’s time for you to play detective and figure out what’s going on.

Perhaps someone is bullying your child at school, or the teacher is unpleasant. Your child may be bored by lack of challenge, or suffering anxiety because of difficulty learning the material. Your child may simply not want to leave you or your secure home environment. The child may feel nervous about tests. If a child is depressed, they often lose interest in activities they once loved.

8. Laziness

When a child seems unusually unmotivated to do schoolwork or engage in sports or other activities, there’s probably something going on under the surface. Fatigue and lack of enthusiasm or interest in activities a person once enjoyed are signs of depression. If the child has a high level of anxiety about something stressful, this may have an immobilizing effect.

9. Smoking, Drinking, or Using Drugs

Children begin to experiment with cigarette smoking, drinking alcohol, or smoking marijuana around the age of thirteen. But children much younger than this engage in substance use, especially if it is readily available at home or from a friend or relative. Obviously, this behavior demands immediate attention before addictions develop or other serious issues ensue.

Once again, it’s important to explore the reason why a child is using cigarettes, alcohol or drugs. Is it peer pressure? Is the child copying the behaviors of the adults in his or her life? Is the child trying to cope with overwhelming emotions?

10. Premature Sexualized Behavior

All very small children explore their body. However, if preschool or elementary children are demonstrating overt sexual behavior or language, this is reason for concern.

Parents need to determine if the child has been exposed to pornography, or has observed teens or adults in sexual situations, or has even been the victim of sexual abuse. Consulting with a professional can help you discover what is going on with the child, and what to do about it.

What Should Be Done About These Child Behavior Problems?

Most negative behaviors are indicators of deeper, less obvious problems. Before you can help your child with the unwanted behavior, you first have to determine why the child is doing it. Finding the root cause is the key to effectively eliminating the problem.

This requires calmly investigating what the underlying issue is. Is it an immature and unregulated emotional system? Are there changes in the family that may be causing stress? Are there any problems at school – with learning the material or with peers or teachers? Is there any chance that the child is being bullied or exposed to inappropriate things or harmed by someone?

Often, child behavior problems are a way of coping with emotions or challenges the child can’t control. For instance, the child may feel jealous and neglected when parents bring a new baby home that demands a lot of attention. The child might act out with tantrums or defiance or even hurting others.

Just as adults cope with disappointments or hurts with unwise behavior – such as binge eating or drinking too much – children also choose incorrect ways to cope. Children don’t clearly understand the consequences, and their brains and emotions are still developing, thus they are more prone than adults to engage in problematic coping.

Understanding why children display unwanted behaviors does not mean we permit the behaviors to continue. But knowing the “why” behind the behavior helps us to determine issues that should be dealt with, and enables us to guide the child toward emotional control and equip the child with skills to overcome negative behavior.

A therapist trained in child development – especially development of the brain and emotions – can offer invaluable guidance and support. A counselor can help you determine issues underlying the problem behaviors, and suggest a plan of action.

When Should I Seek Help?

You don’t need to be in a crisis situation to seek counsel from a professional therapist on child behavior issues. In fact, the earlier you seek help, the better so that the problem behaviors don’t become worse. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling are here to assist you in addressing these challenges with wisdom and care.

However, there are several circumstances when you should immediately seek professional help:

  • if your child is harming self or others or destroying property,
  • if the problem behavior is very frequent or is escalating,
  • if the behavior is interfering with daily life – with school, family life, or friends,
  • if you suspect the child has been abused – physically, sexually, or emotionally, or
  • if you are exhausted and feel hopeless and don’t know where to turn.

We’re here to come alongside you. Please don’t hesitate to contact us to get started in the right direction for your child.

Photos:
“Problem Child”, Courtesy of Patrice Audet, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Egg Stealer”, Courtesy of Andrew Poynton, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Pouting,” courtesy of martakoton, pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Smoke with Me”, Courtesy of Smoke & Vibe, Unsplash.com; CC0 License

Behavior Problems in Children: What to Do

/in , , ,

While behavior problems in children are common, attitudes towards them are varied. Christian Counselors are often contacted by parents who are concerned by their children’s behavior.

Examples of common behavior problems in children include: talking back, lying, fighting, hitting, kicking, being disrespectful, and so on.

It can be exhausting to deal with behavior problems in children. Parents often feel angry and confused about their child’s behavior. It can be terrifying when you don’t understand what’s happening with your child, don’t know how to help, but feel totally responsible for making things better for them.

For example, how do you handle the situation when your child is having a meltdown? Or when they are sobbing inconsolably? Perhaps your child seems to react to the slightest thing and become aggressive, and you have no idea what to do in that situation. Children who don’t listen or refuse to comply with rules are equally difficult to deal with. If you’re facing challenges like these, seeking guidance from Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can provide valuable support.

Counselors who deal with children with behavior problems and their parents consider the most important word associated with behavior problems in children is interpretation. This is because behavior is regarded as 90% about the way it’s interpreted.

Interpretation covers:

  • Why we think a behavior is happening
  • The level of control we think the child has over the behavior
  • How we think the child feels

Thinking and assuming are part of interpretation, and interpretation is not the same as understanding. This is one of the reasons why it’s important to engage in therapy with a Christian counselor. Therapy opens the door to move from assuming to understanding why your child is behaving in ways that you consider to be problematic. It also helps to decide whether the behavior is actually ‘normal’ or not.

A Christian counselor with experience in therapy with children and their parents has created a list of behaviors that parents regard as problems and the root feelings that are causing – or contributing to – the behavior.

Feelings Associated with Behaviors

Behavior Feelings Questions to Ask
Hoarding food; Lying; Stealing Fear; Shame; A need to hide Who or what is causing the fear?

What are they ashamed of other people knowing? What is causing their need to hide, or for what reason do they feel not good enough?
Talking back; hitting; kicking Anger What is causing the anger?
Sexualized Behavior Confusion Have they seen or experienced sexual behavior first hand?
Self-harm or putting themselves at risk Sadness What loss have they been enduring? Have they experienced harm or trauma?

For parents struggling to deal with their child’s difficulties, the principle question that needs to be considered is What is my child’s need that’s being unmet? When we talk about unmet needs, however, it’s important to remember that these are deep, emotional needs, not issues regarding toys or other material things.

Parents need to understand the issues that their child is wrestling with, and why they’re struggling. It may be that your child has something that they long to talk to someone about, but they don’t know how to express it. Similarly, children who are exposed to traumatic situations suffer confusion and it may be that their behavior is their way of trying to sort through the confusion – probably unsuccessfully.

The primary questions that bring parents to Christian family counselors are, “Why is my child behaving like this?” and “can you make it stop?” While these questions are important, in counseling it is beneficial to reframe the questions. Reframing is a way to take the concern and uncover the root issues and needs. The reframed question is often much more complex than the questions that bring parents to family counselors.

Most frequently, the root concern is more likely to be “Am I a bad parent since I can’t get my child to behave right?” It’s not uncommon for parents to see their child’s behavior as a reflection of their ability to raise children well. For family counselors, the next stage of therapy is to normalize the behaviors parents are seeing as problems and help to reduce the child’s need to display those problem behaviors.

Functional Behavioral Analysis

An important technique in helping parents and their children is Functional Behavioral Analysis (FBA). This is a method that is based on the idea that While every behavior has a cause, not all behaviors are interpreted in the same way. For example, a parent might approach a counselor and complain that their child is disrespectful because they couldn’t sit still throughout a movie. In the parent’s eyes, the child’s behavior was an intentional attempt to disrupt the enjoyment of the movie for the rest of the family.

Another example could be a parent who, in a therapy session with their child, remarks that the child doesn’t care and isn’t listening, on the basis of the fact that the child is sitting playing silently in the sandbox. In both situations, the parents are viewing their child’s behavior as disrespectful and wanting help to ‘correct’ this. However, FBA questions the evidence that the parent is basing their interpretation of the child’s behavior.

Here’s a reproduction of an FBA chart that visualizes a means of talking about these examples:

Behavior (bx) Possible Functions of the bx: Analysis
Child won’t stop moving While the movie is on A: Intentional disruption OR

B: Moving to deal with anxiety or because of ADHD

 My child is disruptive

OR

My child is anxious
Child playing in the sandbox during therapy session about their behavior. Child neither talking nor making eye-contact A: Child playing in the sandbox because they don’t care

OR

B: Child playing in the sand as a calming or coping mechanism, to deal with shyness or anxiety

 My child is disrespectful

OR

My child is ashamed

It’s clear when looking at this Functional Behavioral Analysis chart that it’s possible to come to entirely different conclusions about the behavior when you consider the function of the behavior. It’s not always as clear cut as parents assume it to be, meaning that problem behaviors are not always problems but rather dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

Look deeper into the roots of the behavior and you might find, for example, that these two hypothetical children had both experienced a significant loss in the past year, such as the death of a family member or being abandoned by one parent. They might come from families with a history of trauma, where security wasn’t a certainty.

Children who are responsive to correction or who are compliant are children who have experienced an adequate level of empathy, warmth, and care that leads to feelings of security and trust in their caregiver.

When these things are less than adequate, or entirely absent, there is no such security and trust, and “problem” behaviors are a child’s way of dealing with their uncomfortable feelings. They don’t feel able to turn to their caregiver for comfort and regulation.

Issues to Consider

Therefore, when it comes to the question of “why is my child behaving like this?” there are issues that need to be considered before labeling a behavior as problematic:

1. Family of origin

Many children who end up in family therapy come from homes that are broken or dysfunctional. Often, they live with one parent, While the other parent has died, is in jail, has become an addict, or is otherwise absent. Children need caregivers who are available to meet their needs on a consistent basis, and in many cases, this is lacking.

2. Frequency of Play

How frequently does the child have the opportunity to play, and with whom? Children benefit considerably from play, particularly when their parent(s) get down on the floor with them and build with Legos and other toys. Similarly, children need the opportunity to play with other children and don’t do well when they’re forced to assume an adult role in the home.

Play is vital for a child’s development, particularly psychologically. Many parents see play as optional, but actually, it’s a necessity. Play helps children to develop self-esteem, creativity, self-awareness, self-regulation, patience, distress tolerance, and much more. Children with behavior problems often don’t have opportunities to play or have never had a parent play with them.

3. Control

What do they have control over? This is a massive determining factor in child behavior. Adults have control over a lot of things – such as where you go, what you do, what you eat, and so on – but children have much less control. Children are told what they have to do, where they have to go, what and how much to eat, what to wear – the list is endless.

In children whose problem behavior relates to bodily functions, it is sometimes the case that the child feels they have so little control in their life that they develop problem behaviors with their bodily functions because that’s one thing they do have control over.

In therapy, parents are taught the HALT technique before they assume that their child’s behavior is a problem. Is the child Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? Think about your own behavior when you are affected by these feelings.

We excuse our own behavior due to tiredness but are less willing to attribute a child’s behavior in the same way. It’s really important to see whether HALT is causing unwanted behavior rather than jumping to the conclusion that the child is simply unpleasant.

4. Caregivers

What do the caregivers believe they know about parenting? As harsh as it sounds, parents can often have misconceptions about best practices in parenting, and this can impact on how they interpret their child’s behavior.

Questions to ask parents of children with behavior problems include their understanding of attachment styles, their parenting styles, the way a child’s brain functions when they’re having a tantrum, and how to discuss behavior with their child.

There are two really great resources that parents can use to build their knowledge and understanding:

  • The Whole Brain Child by Dan Siegel – which is available as a book, workbook, and video – helps parents to understand how to handle their child’s behavior.
  • Helping the Non-Compliant Child by Robert McMahon – which helps parents bring consistency into their relationship with their child and build the child’s self-awareness.

5. Environment

What is the child’s environment? A difficult issue to raise in therapy is the impact of socioeconomic status on stress levels within the family unit. Other environmental considerations might include families dealing with addiction, and families with a large number of children where kids have to compete for attention.

6. Family Relationships

What is the child’s relationship with family members like? An example of the impact of broken family relationships might be the parent who comes to therapy with a child who is depressed, anxious and is acting out at school, but who later reveals that the father has recently moved out. Young boys need a dad, and young girls need a mom. Problems often emerge when one parent is absent.

Siblings can also contribute to difficult behavior. Older siblings who bully or tease their younger siblings can cause the younger child to resort to bad behavior.

The question of whether a child’s behavior is normal is not easily answered. The best answer that a counselor can give is probably not the one that parents want to hear: it depends. There are a lot of factors that can influence behavior, so there’s no simple yes or no answer to the question of what is and isn’t normal.

If you want to help your child with their behavior, it’s necessary for you to have an open mind in order to explore the root causes and be willing to engage in education on family dynamics. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can really help with gaining a full understanding of your child’s behavior and give you resources to help handle it.

Photos:
“Bali Girl”, Courtesy of Nuno Alberto, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Unsupervised”, Courtesy of Mike Fox, Unsplakk. miuysh.com, CC0 License; “Ahhh,” courtesy of Jelleke VanOoteghem, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Comfort”, Courtesy of Jordan Whitt, Unsplash.com, CC0 License