Setting Personal Boundaries in Marriage: Examples and Techniques

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There is likely no more intimate human relationship than the one between a husband and wife. Our proximity to our spouse is like having a personal vanity mirror always bouncing our identities, faults, and traits back at us. It’s the sort of relationship where two people come together to share the entirety of their lives.

This marriage relationship is characterized by deep vulnerability, emotional and physical intimacy, exclusivity, and the ongoing commitment to do life together in ways that other relationships simply can’t hold a candle to. don’t. If you pause and think about it, there are things about marriage that simply cannot apply to other relationships, and it feels weird to try and do so.

You don’t commit to live with your friend for the rest of your lives, nor do you have the same obligations when it comes to your workplace and work relationships. There is something decidedly unique about the marital relationship. This makes it somewhat strange to talk about boundaries in marriage.

If we think about boundaries like boundary markers of what keeps things out or in, appropriate or inappropriate, understandably, talking about drawing such lines may feel counterproductive to connection.

Personal Boundaries in a Committed Relationship?

One of the ways marriage is described in Scripture is that “a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, NIV). There is a unison that occurs in marriage, and it doesn’t refer only to physical union through sexual intimacy, but the union of various aspects of their lives, such as where they live, their goals and plans, their finances, and so on.

Not one taking over the other, not one spouse consuming the other, or the relationship replacing the individuals’ identities, but two unique individuals embracing unity and making another whole thing, greater than the sum of its parts. 1+1=3 is the Kingdom math of relationships. Talking like this sets up the inevitable question about how the boundaries within a marriage can be if the two become one flesh.

The interesting thing about becoming one flesh is that whatever it means, it doesn’t mean you lose your individual existence. After all, if that were the case, there would be no need for Scripture to keep talking about the different and distinct roles and responsibilities of husbands and wives. Being one flesh doesn’t mean you stop being who you are as an individual.

A couple may be married, but it’s possible to have a situation in which one of them trusts in Jesus and the other does not (1 Corinthians 7:12-16). Marriage doesn’t take away the fact that you are who you are, or the fact that you have particular likes, dislikes, things you’re interested in, sensibilities, and your own sense of humor.

What marriage does is create space for two people to live together and love each other well. Loving each other well doesn’t mean becoming one another; it means considering everything that your spouse is and loving them as they are, even as you yearn for them to become who the Lord intended them to be. You love your spouse well by honoring who they are and acting in ways that speak love to who they are.

This reflects the relationship the three members of the Godhead have with each other and desire with us. To bring the glory and beauty out of each other by witnessing each other, elevating each other, and enjoying each other. Every relationship, if it is to be a healthy one, requires boundaries. These boundaries aren’t physical, per se, but they are lines that demarcate where one person ends, and the other person begins.

Each person has their limits, their own personality, things that they enjoy or don’t, and ways of being that are irreducibly them. Boundary lines like fencing on property overlooking a cliff, as C.S. Lewis might illustrate, are there for a reason, to keep fun safe and to prevent venturing into peril.

Personal boundaries can then become ways that individuals indicate their individuality, and as beings made in God’s image, their individuality is something the Lord purposely brought into being, even if it needs refinement to become more Christ-like. The Lord knit you in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13), and personal boundaries help you to protect who He made you to be. It’s a sad thing to be compelled to become someone else.

Examples of Personal Boundaries in Marriage

To understand personal boundaries and the place they may have in a marriage, it may be helpful to give a few examples of some boundaries. The point behind boundaries is that they help the individual define their identity, and they also help to establish limits and clear expectations in the relationship. They can also help to prevent emotional burnout, resentment, or unnecessary anger in the relationship.

Personal boundaries help to define who you are, what you’re comfortable with, and what your needs and expectations are of others. These boundaries can be about your emotions, your body, your time, money, work, how you handle digital space, and so much more.

Some examples of healthy personal boundaries in a marriage include respectful communication, such as no raised voices or name-calling; respecting each other’s opinions; not resorting to guilt-tripping or manipulation; and giving each other space to process things when needed. These standards help create a sense of emotional safety and respect in the relationship.

Time is an important aspect of our lives. Spouses might want alone time to pursue their hobbies, and also time for shared activities. To promote a healthy work-life balance, a couple may need to establish boundaries between work and life, for instance, by not checking work emails after 5 pm.

The couple can also set limits on social engagements and time spent with in-laws over the holidays. Another set of boundaries has to do with our bodies and could include personal space and delineating times and places where you don’t want to be touched.

When it comes to sexual intimacy, desires, limitations, and preferences can also be communicated, so no one feels pushed to do things they’re not comfortable with. There may also be boundaries regarding public displays of affection or private moments like dressing or using the bathroom.

Finances are often a source of conflict in relationships, and clear boundaries may be helpful. Boundaries may be set to determine shared budgeting or spending decisions; issues like debt need to be disclosed, discussed openly, and managed jointly; there may be boundaries like not lending money to loved ones; there may be limits on personal spending or maintaining individual financial autonomy.

Lastly, a couple may set boundaries about their digital lives. This includes whether they have access to each other’s devices or social media accounts; whether they can use phones during their shared time; setting limits on online interactions, for instance, not connecting with or following exes; respecting each other’s wishes about the kinds of things posted online about the family; and limiting screen time before or in bed.

Each couple will have boundaries that are unique to them as a couple and to each individual in the relationship. One of the key elements of having boundaries is that these need to be communicated openly with one’s spouse to establish boundaries that work for both spouses.

How to Set and Communicate Boundaries

When you set healthy boundaries, it works to strengthen your relationship by promoting mutual respect, trust, and understanding. It helps you to know how to love each other well because you know what your spouse wants, what’s important to them, and what will help make them feel seen and heard. The question then is: how do you effectively set and communicate boundaries?

It isn’t always possible to set boundaries before marriage. You might not even be fully aware that you have boundaries, or you haven’t communicated them as such. That’s okay. Some steps for setting and communicating your boundaries include the following: Self-reflect. Before you set or communicate your boundaries, take the time to reflect on your limits and needs.

What are some things that you consider non-negotiables, like your personal space or sense of emotional safety? Are there some areas where you’re currently feeling overwhelmed or disrespected? This may clue you in on the areas where you potentially need boundaries. Communicate your boundaries.

When you try to share your boundaries, make sure to be specific and clear about what you want. It’s important that you clearly define the boundaries and the expectations you have. For instance, you can say, “I need some focused time in the morning for work. Can I have the morning without interruptions?” Another example of a boundary is “I’m uncomfortable discussing sensitive topics with our friends around. Can we discuss this when we get home and we’re in private?”

When you communicate the boundary, it’s also important to set a consequence if the boundary isn’t respected. For instance, a consequence might be “If you keep interrupting me while I’m working, I’m afraid I’ll need to take a break and check out from the conversation.” You need to communicate your boundaries assertively. That means maintaining eye contact, maintaining a calm but firm tone, and avoiding passive-aggressive or aggressive language.

Show empathy and understanding toward your spouse, listen to their concerns and perspectives, and remain open to compromise. Also, use “I” statements to express yourself without blaming or shaming your spouse. Your boundaries are not a way to control your spouse or to get your own way.

They represent genuine needs and ought to be open to discussion and compromise. Part of living with another person is learning to bear one another’s burdens and creating healthy boundaries. Respecting one another’s boundaries is one way to love each other and bear each other’s burdens well.

Dealing with Violated Boundaries

After you’ve communicated your boundaries, should those boundaries be violated, be sure to address those violations promptly. Show an appreciation for boundaries that have been respected, and communicate any violations in the same way you communicated the boundary. Boundaries can and do shift with time and circumstance. Be flexible, remain open to compromise, and hold the line firmly where necessary.

It may be helpful to seek professional help to set, communicate, or address violated boundaries. Your counselor can help you by creating a safe and conducive environment to have these conversations and develop the necessary skills.

Mulling over not exploring your boundaries and sharing them with your partner is universal and understandable, too. It may feel intuitively more desirable and convenient not to share than to share them because you may think, “It’s the end of the day, my spouse and I are interacting in close quarters, ‘til death do us part. I don’t want to get on their bad side.” But with bad boundary definitions, they often already are on your bad side.

Precisely because you will be with your spouse, conceivably to the end, having those conversations around needs, wants, and preferences will smooth out in time your relational functioning, which will be a great gift to both of you in perpetuity compared to the short-term benefits of conflict avoidance in the near term.

Boundaries are like well-reasoned laws in a frontier town. They help settlers grow side by side and cultivate the land by following agreed-upon principles. They aren’t just the boundaries to not take my stuff or stay away at this time. Growth through limits. Love from restraint. The benefits of respect and care from boundaries. I can say they are boundless.

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“Seasoned Couple”, Courtesy of Gustavo Fring, Pexels.com, CC0 License

Advice For the First Year of Marriage

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The first year of marriage is an exciting time. You finally married the love of your life. You’re excited about the future. You’re making plans, such as where you will live and when you plan to start a family.

But the first year of marriage can also be challenging. You are learning to live with one another and accept each other’s flaws. The newness begins to wear off, and you start to depend on each other for companionship.

Be prepared for the obstacles that may come along during your first year of marriage.

Advice for the First Year of Marriage

The first year of marriage can be rocky as you learn to lean on someone else while also maintaining your independence. This is the time to learn strategies in conflict resolution, anger management, and time management. Being on the same page regarding faith, household chores, finances, and expectations will go a long way in building a solid foundation for your relationship.

The following is a list of several tips for the first year of marriage.

Christian couples need Christ as the foundation

Christian couples need Jesus Christ as the foundation if they want to make it through the first year of marriage and beyond. Believers leading a Christ-led life will try to follow the principles Jesus taught and live by the fruit of the Holy Spirit. A home filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control is a home that people want to call home.

But you cannot fake the fruit of the Spirit. You may be able to convince someone that you have these qualities in the short term, but they will discover differently a few months into the marriage. Instead, foolproof your marriage by insisting that you both repent and give yourselves over to God and ask for the Holy Spirit to guide you both individually and as a couple.

Spend quality time together

Life gets busy, and it’s easy to take each other for granted. Don’t fall into that trap. Schedule quality time together. Make it part of your daily routine. This could be spending time watching television together or playing a game after dinner. It could be changing your work schedules to have Sundays off, so that the two of you can attend church and go out for an adventure afterward.

Guard your quality time. Others may ask for your time. Unless this is okay with your spouse, protect your time together.

But be your own person

Although quality time with your spouse is crucial for maintaining an emotional connection, you must also preserve your individuality. Pursue your own hobbies and interests, and encourage your spouse to do the same. For some couples, this may look like one person playing video games while the other reads on a Saturday morning. For other couples, it could be taking turns going out with friends.

Keep communication open when you plan to join friends or work on a hobby. Write it on a calendar that is posted where both of you can see it.

Keep yourselves honest

Don’t allow yourselves to go to bed while still angry. If you’re upset about something, tell your spouse how their actions made you feel. Don’t let emotions simmer until it feels like you might explode. Neither of you can read minds, so open communication is crucial.

Encourage honesty in your marriage. There may be times when honesty is painful, but it is essential for making informed decisions. For example, if your spouse feels that you are emotionally unavailable, don’t avoid the conversation. Find out why they think that way and seek counseling if you need it.

Place your relationship above all others

Learn to set boundaries in your relationship. Other people may try to intrude, especially initially, in the first year of marriage. In-laws may not understand why they cannot just stop over whenever they want. Establish boundaries with extended family and friends to protect your peace.

For example, you may need to set boundaries with family members about how late you will respond to a call or text message, or you may need to emphasize that they should call before stopping by your home. If you or your spouse always run errands for family members, you may need to allot a specific day and time to do this that does not interfere with your quality time.

Get on the same page with finances

Nothing triggers an argument like not being on the same page financially. If possible, discuss financial matters before marriage. Sit down and decide how you will manage bank accounts, savings, investments, and bill paying. Discuss large purchases with your spouse before making them and ensure that you both have access to the accounts.

Staying honest in marriage also extends to financial matters. If either of you has debt, work on it together. This is your first step to working as a team.

Practice patience

Little pet peeves can begin to break you down after the first few months of living together. Learn to practice patience. This might mean overlooking slights or helping your spouse through something they don’t understand. It means practicing empathy and putting yourself in their shoes.

If either of you has anger issues, seek help from a mental health professional. Anger management techniques learned during the first year of marriage will serve your relationship for decades to come.

Keep the romance alive

Part of your quality time together includes romance. Don’t get into a rut. Try new things and spice up your bedroom. Sometimes, just decluttering, cleaning, and redecorating the bedroom can give you a new lease of life in the romance area.

But romance is more than sex. You want to strengthen the emotional relationship you have. Make small gestures that show you love and appreciate your spouse. For example, make them a cup of coffee in the morning while they are getting dressed, or touch the small of their back as you walk by. It’s the little things that will keep you connected.

Support each other with household chores

No one really likes doing chores, but maintaining a clean and healthy home is essential for overall well-being. Support your spouse by helping out with chores. Some couples split chores between them, while others gravitate toward chores that their parents may have done.

Try to keep an open mind about chores. Perhaps your father only mowed the lawn once a week, while your mother cleaned the entire house and did the laundry. Neither of you is your parents, and you can manage your household in a way that best suits you and your schedules.

For example, you could keep a dry-erase board with a list of daily household tasks. When either of you has time, do a small task and check it off. Work as a team to keep a lovely and peaceful home.

Find help if you need it

Don’t be afraid to ask advice about marriage from people with long-lasting marriages. Often, pastors or older church members who have been married for decades can offer sound advice. Try to visit someone you trust as a couple. Never confide in someone of the opposite sex without your spouse with you. That could set you up for future problems.

If your church offers marriage counseling or a support group for newlyweds, consider joining. If not, you may locate support groups in your area. Alternatively, you can reach out to our counseling center to speak with a licensed marriage counselor.

Virtual Marriage Counseling Available

If you’re not sure how to approach your spouse about the above topics or need help in the first year of marriage and beyond, contact our office today. We will schedule a virtual session with a Christian counselor for you. If you prefer face-to-face sessions, those are also available. Call to get started today.

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Marriage: How Our Narrative Drives Our Experience

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Marriage is where our narrative drives our experience. The story we tell ourselves is not only the story we eventually believe, but one we influence others to believe as well. Marriages write a story about who we are and who our spouse is and we help write that narrative. It is important, then, to be discerning and protective over the narrative of your marriage.

Sarah fell in love with Greg. He was fun, spontaneous, light-hearted – just what her life needed. Little did she know how reckless that would seem later on. He was fun and light-hearted about everything. He never seemed to take finances seriously, despite her telling him how much it meant to her to be financially secure. He often fed the kids junk food while she worked hard to prepare nutritious meals.

He acted goofy and carefree in serious situations and when conflict arose, he was nowhere to be found. She couldn’t believe how untrustworthy he was. The other men in her life would never behave so carelessly. How could she have made such a terrible mistake in marrying this man?

He didn’t listen to her when she asked him to change. He didn’t care – he just kept doing whatever he wanted. She tried telling him over and over and he got mad at her! This was unbearable. Maybe it just couldn’t last. How could she live like this anymore? 

Most often, the story that is told is not the fullest or truest version. Whether the story is sugar-coated, created with rose-colored glasses (think, “love is blind”), or stripped of all goodness, it’s almost invariably biased. However, it’s the full story – the good mixed with the bad that will help couples build stronger relationships. This story – the one that sticks to the truth, both good and bad – will have the most positive impact on the couple and the individuals involved.

The impact of our narratives comes from what’s on the inside; the feelings and thoughts that drive our behavior. The range of effects can start with a simple lack of satisfaction with the relationship and lead to altering our behavior toward our spouse in one way or another (for example: hiding thoughts and feelings or conversely, acting outwardly upset with them).

What’s on the inside comes out: The Triad of Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors

Thoughts, feelings, and behaviors work together. So, if you are feeling and thinking one way, your behavior will reflect it in some way, even something as simple as the act of trying to hide your thoughts and feelings. Just the same, if you want to think differently about something stressful, you can choose a behavior that supports the thoughts and feelings you desire.

Thoughts

Our thoughts are indicated by our feelings and our behaviors. For example, if I am feeling happy and jumping up and down squealing, happy thoughts are typically there; or if I am active in what I enjoy and feeling good while doing it, my mind will be selective about thinking positive thoughts.

In the same way, our thoughts can influence our feelings and behaviors. If I am thinking about something stressful, I may be more tense/tight in my muscles, leading to a frown or a kink in my neck, and I may start to feel upset. This is also seen when our thoughts are focused on something as simple as a scary movie. We feel fear and become more jumpy.

Feelings

Our feelings are influenced by our thoughts and behaviors. Studies have shown that if I hold a pencil in my mouth, stretching my smile muscles, I can start to feel the release of happy chemicals. If I start to imagine I am in my happy place, I can start to feel relaxed.

Similarly, this can be seen when a person allows themself to think about times someone has wronged them. They will start to feel the weight of that wrong through sadness or anger and distance themselves from that person even in the middle of what was a good time together.

Feelings influence our thoughts and behaviors. If I am feeling sad, I may start to think that normal or fun things aren’t worth engaging in and may not get out of bed. Feeling angry can cause a failure to think about the future and consequently burn important bridges.

Behaviors

Behaviors are driven by our thoughts and feelings. When I am feeling nervous and thinking about a large crowd of people I am about to speak to, I may start to shake or bite my lip. If we are thinking positively about our spouse and feeling excited for them to come home, we will greet them with enthusiasm upon arrival or engage in special behavior based on those thoughts and feelings.

Behaviors influence thoughts and feelings as well. If I start to work out or jog, my mind clears and I feel more relaxed. As another example, if I do what is honorable and respectable, I can feel good about my behavior and think more steadily about my relationship.

Examining the Narrative We’ve Written

When one is not careful to examine the narrative they are holding about their marriage, challenging it through the careful examination of their heart and the Bible, they can bring about destructive patterns in their marriage that can ultimately lead to the destruction of their marriage.

Questions to Start With

So where does one start in examining the narrative they hold? Below are some helpful questions to ask oneself from Chris and Jamie Bailey of Expedition Marriage:

  • Is the story I’m telling myself true?
  • Is it the whole picture, or just one (my) side?
  • Have I left room for grace, communication, and understanding?
  • Is my perspective shaped more by past hurts than by what’s actually happening now?

Is the story I’m telling myself true?

This question lays an important foundation for checking facts against feelings and doing some work to gather details that may have been forgotten or otherwise skewed. If your feelings are driving a quick answer of “yes” try moving to ask if you’re 100% certain everything about your story is true.

Is it the whole picture, or just one (my) side?

Along with being certain everything in your narrative is 100% true, evaluating whether or not you are accounting for your spouse’s experience is important to paint the whole picture. This question challenges blame in the sense that it allows for owning your own part in whatever is working and whatever has not/is not working in your marriage.

This is akin to taking the plank out of your own eye first. Individuals have their commandments from God that do not depend on others to complete. They also have their own circle of control, so while we can write a narrative that implies our spouse has “made” us happy or miserable, it is important to explore both sides of the matter.

Have I left room for grace, communication, and understanding?

God instructs His children to be like Him in offering love, grace, mercy, being at peace with others as much as it depends on us, and forgiving others as He has loved us. Is your narrative placing you on the path of the “Unforgiving Servant” in Matthew 18? If so, you are on a path to destruction.

It is important to understand how a lack of grace, communication, and understanding can build bitterness which can destroy us. Allowing bitterness to grow throughout our narrative is going to hurt us, our relationship with our spouse, and our relationship with God.

Protecting the narrative we write about our marriage does not include sugarcoating the bad/ugly. It does not include glossing over it and hoping things will change. It includes the humble work of confession and prayer to God who is the changer of hearts.

If your narrative does not include room for grace, communication, and understanding, then your narrative may be keeping you from trusting God and following Him.

Is my perspective shaped more by past hurts than by what’s actually happening now?

The fact that we can craft a narrative means that we can edit and re-write our narrative. When asking this question, it is important to consider letting the past be the past and separating familiar feelings triggered by different events.

For example, one can feel safe and warm in their spouse’s arms when they first get married, building the narrative that when your husband holds you, he is loving you and keeping you safe. The same spouse may have become physically abusive and dangerous, yet all is forgiven as long as the message of the holding with a hug is communicated afterward.

I’m safer if I stay with this man, becomes the narrative. He loves me and doesn’t really want to hurt me. He’s sorry, the narrative builds. However, if we strip away our feelings and look at the situation, we can realize that differences between actions, behaviors, and intentions will tell a different story.

In the same way, when one spouse’s trust is broken, everything about the breaking of that trust is included in a new alert system. When their spouse is on their phone, they are doing something that will hurt them. If their spouse stays out too late, their spouse is untrustworthy. Because they are fighting over this issue, their relationship will never be okay.

Once you strip away the emotions, you can see whether you are simply being triggered by something familiar. The fight doesn’t equal the end of the relationship, because you and your spouse have more grace and can recover by resolving your differences. Phone use is normal and your spouse is more than willing to reiterate their love for you. Staying out too late may be part of normal involvement with this group/work/church/accountability partners/etc.

This question allows us to uncross the wires that were formed for survival once the crisis is over, allowing you and your spouse to change.

Getting Help To Sift Through The Narrative

Writing a true and full-scope narrative can be difficult when pain and emotions are involved. However, it is important for the sake of your marriage and future.

If you need someone to help walk you through these questions and to help write a strong narrative about your marriage, reach out to Orange County Christian Counseling on our website or at 949-281-3240 in the Southern California area. We are here to help.

Reference:
Expedition Marriage @ https://expeditionmarriage.org/
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Help for Toxic Couples Through Christian Couples Counseling

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There is no such thing as the perfect couple. However, some couples have a healthy and flourishing relationship with a dysfunctional dynamic. Every relationship will have its issues and sticking points, and the couple will have problems that stem from their circumstances as well as how they respond to them. The question is whether the couple and their relationship can be called “toxic.”

What is a toxic relationship?

One of the words that has made the rounds online and in daily conversation is “toxic.” The word was once more commonly used to talk about byproducts from chemical or manufacturing plants, and it referred to waste and other materials that could cause death. Now, the word is often used to describe certain patterns of behavior that are problematic, and perhaps even dangerous.

As a person looks at their own life, they may not see themselves or what they say and do as toxic. Some of this is due to a lack of self-awareness, and some of it may be due to the human proclivity toward self-deception (Jeremiah 17:9). It’s possible to see and know your own bad habits, but to minimize them and their impact on other people. This makes it hard to acknowledge harmful or toxic behavior. If you’re struggling with this, Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help.

To describe a relationship as toxic doesn’t mean that every facet of it is deeply problematic and needs to be jettisoned entirely. Instead, it means that behavior patterns in the relationship hinder and undermine flourishing. It’s important to recognize that it’s not just one-off incidents, but patterns of behavior. This means one or both partners act in a certain problematic way more often than not.

Some Examples of Toxic Behaviors

Here are some examples of the kinds of behavior that are harmful or that undermine flourishing in a relationship. It’s important to remember that the greatest commandments are for us to love God with our whole heart, and to love one another the way we love ourselves (Matthew 22:34-40). The Bible then describes what that kind of love looks like – a consistent desire for and self-sacrifice for the good of the other person (1 Corinthians 13).

A relationship can and should be a place where people are loved. That means it’s a place where each partner sacrifices their own way, doesn’t demand to use their own understanding as the basis for decisions, and forgives over and over again.

A loving relationship is a place where each is seen, heard, given room to grow, supported in becoming who the Lord intends them to be, kept accountable to what is true and right and good, and where godly character flourishes. Some examples of toxic or harmful behaviors and attitudes that undermine these things include the following:

Constant conflict

Every relationship will have some conflict. When two people with different personalities and outlooks come together, there will be differences of opinion, and those can turn into conflict. Conflict may provide a couple with room to express themselves, their values, and their needs. At the end of conflict, the couple can have a better understanding of each other, and how to effectively meet felt needs.

If, on the other hand, a couple is constantly embroiled in conflict, and they don’t resolve their conflicts, then it’s problematic. Constant conflict and unresolved conflict undermine the couples’ relationship and sense of fulfillment. It may also point to deeper issues such as unwillingness to compromise, or poor communication.

Avoiding conflict

The other side of the conflict pendulum is a couple avoiding conflict. It can be an issue if one or both partners are walking on eggshells with each other, hesitating to bring up concerns because it’ll ruffle feathers, or leaving conflict situations unresolved instead of talking things through. Conflict may be unpleasant, but it may allow a couple to address issues, and, paradoxically, for them to draw closer together.

Avoiding conflict leaves issues unaddressed, leading to frustration and increasing resentment. It can also result in dwindling trust and a widening emotional gap between partners. Instead of de-escalating things, avoiding conflict allows issues to simmer in the background until they boil over.

Anger issues

Your partner is bound to do things that will drive you up the wall. You’ll get angry with each other. That’s different from anger issues, which occur when anger is present in your daily interactions, and gets expressed in unhealthy ways like shouting, swearing, hitting, throwing or breaking things, making threats, being sarcastic, giving the silent treatment, or engaging in self-harm. Another way to define anger issues is contempt.

Anger is a powerful emotion, one which often erupts when a boundary has been violated or we feel unsafe in some way. It’s not always meant to be bottled up, nor is it meant to be expressed in volatile and violent ways that harm others or us. Instead, when it is appropriate to express, it can and should be expressed calmly, assertively, and clearly.

Abuse

When you’re dealing with another person, you’re dealing with a fearfully and wonderfully made, beautiful image of our creator and Lord (Genesis 1:26-28; Psalms 139:14; James 3:9-10). That means there are appropriate and dignifying ways of treating and relating to such beings.

It also means there are inappropriate and undignified ways of relating to them. Due to the dynamics in relationships where there is active unwanted touch and sometimes other forms of abuse, couples counseling is not appropriate as it is not a safe relationship to restore one’s trust, and it isn’t fair to either one of the individuals.

Dishonesty

The truth is important in any relationship. It’s not always easy to say or hear the truth, but a relationship without truth has no foundation. A pattern of dishonesty, whether regarding the use of time, finances, who they’re spending time with, or what they truly think or feel, is problematic for a relationship.

There are many other ways in which a relationship can be toxic, including selfishness, lack of accountability, lack of empathy for one another, sabotaging one another’s efforts, withholding support or emotional availability, neglecting each other’s basic needs, or avoiding responsibilities in and around the home. These and other things can undermine the health of a relationship.

Help For Toxic Couples

What can you do if you’re in a toxic relationship? The answer depends on how toxic the relationship is and whether you both want to do something about it. A relationship can be so toxic that it’s a threat to life and limb, and a person’s well-being. In such cases, utilizing individual treatment is a more appropriate start to allow for both individuals to be heard and supported.

The only way a toxic relationship gets fixed is if both parties are committed to working at it. It requires awareness that the relationship is toxic and that both parties recognize that they aren’t honoring each other. You can seek help from a Christian couples counselor who can help you understand the unhealthy dynamics in your relationship. They can also work with you to improve communication, problem solving, and respect for each other.

Through Christian couples counseling, you can learn constructive ways of communicating and resolving conflict, learn how to hear each other and carve out space for one another, how to hold yourselves and each other accountable, and become more aware of how you and your partner best feel loved, so your felt needs are met. A toxic relationship can be turned around; your relationship can find a new life. Reach out for help today. A Christian couples counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you identify unhealthy dynamics and work toward better communication, problem-solving, and mutual respect.

Photos:
“Fingers Crossed”, Courtesy of tswedensky, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Conversations”, Courtesy of wal-172619, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Argument”, Courtesy of RyanMcGuire, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Stubborn”, Courtesy of Tumisu, Pexels.com, CC0 License

10 Things That Help You Handle Life

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Life is a beautifully challenging thing to walk through. Some moments feel great, and you manage them easily, and other moments are more challenging. In challenging moments, it is easy to let other people’s ideas shape how you respond.

When you were growing up it could have been a simple comment like “Don’t cry,” from a parent after you had a hard day. Today, it may be something more complex like feeling guilty for taking a break when you have so much to do. It is common to accept these ideas as healthy and normal, but they can result in feelings of shame when you are dealing with things in your life.

Instead of accepting these ideas, we can choose to look at how our responses and feelings can benefit us in our circumstances. You don’t necessarily have to feel ashamed for experiencing different feelings or responses, especially when things feel hard already. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you process these emotions in a healthy way.

While you may have had people tell you differently, you don’t have to feel ashamed for processing life in your own way. Here are ten things you may not have to feel ashamed for:

  1. Asking for help  We have developed a fiercely independent culture, especially when it comes to needing help. Instead of relying on others, we try to do things on our own. This is often neither beneficial nor biblical.

Galatians reminds us to “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2, ESV) We are to support one another. Additionally, we are to come to God when we need help. “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” (James 1:5, ESV)

  1. Taking time to be alone  While it is often good to seek help from others, it is also okay to need time away from other people. We need to balance community and time alone, especially when we use that time alone to seek God.

Every person is created with unique needs and a capacity for time with others and time alone. This is true in daily life, exciting seasons, and tough times. Ask God to show you what you need.

  1. Self-care  While the idea of self-care has become a bit of a buzzword in modern culture and on social media, the reality is that many people do not pursue it. When people do take time for self-care, they can sometimes feel guilty or try to do things that seem like self-care but don’t truly fill them up.

Instead, you can choose to take care of yourself in a healthy way. Ask God what you need most and do that. It’s okay if it looks different from what your friend or family member needs. God wants you to take good care of yourself because He loves you.

  1. Crying  As in the earlier example, some people feel ashamed for crying. This can be because of things people have said, because of societal norms, or simply because it makes them self-conscious. Crying doesn’t need to be looked at this way. Instead, crying can be seen as a natural release of emotion.

Emotional tears also contain more mood-regulating manganese than the other types. Stress “tightens muscles and heightens tension, so when you cry you release some of that,” Sideroff says. “[Crying] activates the parasympathetic nervous system and restores the body to a state of balance.” – Serusha Govender

  1. Feeling things  Like tears, some people are taught that feelings are unsafe, unacceptable, or bad. If you grew up in a situation where feelings were never expressed, it may seem foreign to do so. Conversely, if you grew up in a situation where expressing feelings caused increased tension or violence, you may have learned to keep feelings hidden.

Unfortunately, this approach typically makes things worse. Feelings may be either good or bad, depending on the situation. Identifying them and allowing them space can help diffuse them and help you evaluate them. A counselor can help you with this. It is a learning experience, and you can find help to express, identify, and process righteous feelings without shame.

  1. Recognize joy in hard times  When you are going through a difficult time, it may feel odd to find joy. For example, if you recently lost your job, it could seem strange to some people that you find joy in the extra time you have to go for a walk during the day.

Another common example is when walking through grief. Sometimes people experience times of joy, even as they face the loss of someone they cared about. This can be disturbing for some people, but it is nothing to be ashamed of. Instead, you can see how you can carry both hard things and joyful things at the same time.

Even James reminds us of the importance of joy in tough times: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” (James 1:2, NIV) You can navigate joy amid your hardship.

  1. Resting   It is no surprise we live in a busy world full of things we need to do. In our achievement-based culture, we often neglect to take adequate time to rest. This doesn’t just mean sleep, although that can be part of it.

We need time to rest, to take a break from whatever situation or hardship we are facing. Even though some will try to tell us to keep going, to get more done, to stay busy, sometimes the very thing we need most is a break. You do not have to feel shame for making time to rest.

Whether it is in the middle of the day, an hour after you wake up, or in the evening, you can rest if it is what you need.

  1. Feeling weak  In a world that sees weakness as something to be fixed, it can be hard to think of it as something to embrace. The truth is, we are all weak. No matter how much we try to prove that we are strong, the Bible is clear: we are all weak and Jesus is our strength.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. – 2 Corinthians 12:9, ESV

  1. Setting and maintaining boundaries   Many of us have lived in situations where boundaries were not welcome. We had people in our lives that overshadowed any sense of personal comfort we may have or disregarded our preferences. This can make it difficult for us to feel comfortable setting and maintaining boundaries.

As you walk through life, you do not need to feel any sense of shame for setting boundaries. It is healthy and wise to recognize your boundaries and find respectful ways to communicate those. If that is difficult for you, a counselor can help you identify them and find ways to kindly share them. They can also offer accountability for maintaining your boundaries with others.

  1. Being angry  Just as with any feeling, anger is not always something to be ashamed of. It is a feeling that everyone has experienced, even Jesus. Often, we have experienced situations that try to downplay or eliminate anger because it is uncomfortable or expressed poorly.

Instead of pretending anger isn’t there, you can learn to be angry in healthy, productive ways. Anger, however, may be sinful or righteous – it is not simply a feeling. If you struggle with sinful anger, there is help across the spectrum from identifying anger to anger management.

Finding the support you need

As you learn about these healthier approaches to handling life, you may find that you need support in ways to accept them, how to implement them, or ways to remove the shame associated with them. There is help available.

A Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling  can help you with this process. Contact our office today to learn more.

Sources:

https://www.instagram.com/p/CsjAaSfuquM/

https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/is-crying-good-for-you#:~:text=Emotional%20tears%20also%20contain%20more,to%20a%20state%20of%20balance.%22

Photo:
“Train Rail”, Courtesy of Unsplash, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

The Benefits of Christian Premarital Counseling

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Choosing Christian premarital counseling has helped many couples get clear on their relationship, work through obstacles, and learn lifelong skills.

The benefits of Christian premarital counseling are vast. You might think that you know your soon-to-be spouse. You’re in love with this person, so what is left to learn? Unfortunately, we cannot go merely on our feelings. There is more to a relationship than how you feel about the other person.

What Christian Premarital Counseling Can Do For You

Christian premarital counseling seeks to bring those things to the surface to discuss and circumvent potential obstacles. The following is a list of several benefits worth discussing during a counseling session. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling provides a supportive environment for couples to explore these topics and prepare for a strong, faith-centered marriage.

Family History

Knowing each other’s family history can help you understand their perspective. For example, if you grew up in poverty, you may have more resiliency to financial downturns than your spouse.

Family history can also affect how one reacts to situations or treats people. If they were abused as a child, they may be short-tempered with those they love. Everyone can change the trajectory of their life no matter where they started, but they might need help.

Goals for the Future

Do your goals mesh with your partner’s goals? For example, if your goal is to finish your education degree and teach in a local school, you might have an issue if your significant other wants to move several states away to work in a rural setting. You can find common ground, but you may need help brainstorming solutions that will work for both of you.

Learn Communication Skills

Many marriage troubles are due to a lack of communication skills. We often speak without hearing the other person. We might even concoct an answer while the other person is still speaking to us.

A counselor can introduce you to communication skills like active listening, asking open-ended questions, watching for nonverbal communication, speaking clearly and concisely, and displaying empathy toward your loved one.

Identify Obstacles

We have all heard of red flags, but how many have noticed them when we are in love? A third party, like a counselor, can help identify obstacles that might cause you issues in the future. Counseling is a safe place to discover and work through problems before they become roadblocks in your marriage.

Discuss Conflict Resolution

Many people handle conflict the way they were raised. Maybe they storm out during an argument, slam doors, or scream and yell. You and your significant other may have entirely different methods for expressing anger.

Counseling is a safe place to navigate anger and learn conflict resolution. Anger is not necessarily a wrong emotion, but how we manage it can lead to either a healthy relationship or a strained marriage.

Discuss Marriage Expectations

To avoid tension in the marriage, discuss expectations early in the relationship. For example, do you want to assume more traditional gender roles for housekeeping, with the husband working outside the home and the wife staying home? Do you plan to share the household duties equally? Would you rather (and can you afford) a housekeeper? Conflict can result if one spouse expects the other to assume a task if the responsibility is not shared.

Parenting Styles

If you plan to have children or already have children from a prior marriage, you will need to discuss parenting styles and come to an agreement. Were you raised by strict parents and want to follow in their footsteps? But what if your spouse wants to maintain a more laid-back and relaxed parenting style? A counselor can work as a mediator to help you reach a conclusion that combines your parenting styles for what may be best for the children.

Managing Finances

A marriage can end due to mismanagement of funds. Finances play a huge part in a marriage, including paying off student loans, planning a wedding, buying a house and car, going back to college, having a child, and medical expenses. Both spouses should have access to the financial records.

If one of you struggles with shopping addiction or gambling, speak to a counselor to learn how to manage finances, discuss checking and savings accounts, pay off debt, and budget for vacations and holidays.

Talk to a Counselor Before Taking the Leap

Before taking the leap, consider Christian premarital counseling as part of your wedding planning. You both must have a good mindset and are on the same page regarding your marriage and future life together.

Call us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling today to book a session with a counselor for Christian premarital counseling in Huntington Beach, California.

Photo:
“Engaged,” courtesy of Nathan Mullet, unsplash.com, CCO License

Practical Advice for Newlyweds

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A marriage based on love and respect doesn’t just happen. It is something you need to work on. One of the biggest adjustments is making the mental shift from deciding things on your own to having your decisions involve someone else. In this situation, advice for newlyweds can be helpful.

Advice for Newlyweds

The following are some practical tips that can help smooth your transition from singlehood to marriage. Mostly they come from couples in happy, long-lasting marriages who have gone the distance themselves. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling offers guidance and support to help couples build strong foundations for a lasting marriage.

Remember your commitment

Marriage is a covenant with a person who is not always going to make you happy, nor you him or her. On hard days when you’re feeling frustrated or upset, remember your commitment. Be intentional about investing time, energy, and communication into understanding and meeting one another’s needs. Always be there for one another and learn how to attack problems together with a mindset of it being the two of you against the world, as opposed to against each other.

Have realistic expectations

Marriage is not all glamorous. There are going to be good days and bad days when you don’t feel in love, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your relationship. Ups and downs are inevitable in even the happiest of marriages. Not every disagreement, however, is worth fighting over. Learn to choose your battles wisely.

Be open and honest

Keep your lines of communication open and make a habit of talking often about your thoughts and feelings. Secrets divide but being open and honest with one another about everything – especially the stuff that hurts – will help foster trust, strengthen the connection between you, and increase intimacy.

Be quick to forgive

Don’t wait to stop feeling angry before being willing to forgive. It does not mean pretending not to be hurt, disappointed, or upset, but if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, it is an intentional choice to set aside pride and extend the same grace to your spouse that Christ extended to you on the cross. Forgiveness provides space to work things out rather than allow an issue to fester and damage the rest of your relationship.

Avoid accusations and defensiveness

Avoid focusing on past upsets or using threats of divorce to get what you want. Be kind and communicate respectfully, even when you are feeling upset. Remember that your spouse is not a mind reader. Tell him or her what the cause of your distress is using “I” statements to express how it causes you to feel, rather than make accusations, cast blame, or be defensive about your part in the issue.

Practice active listening

Assume the best of one another. If your spouse’s actions upset you, try to find out what their motivation was before jumping to conclusions. Listen attentively to what they are saying. Try to understand their perspective, and validate their thoughts and feelings, even if you don’t agree with them. Being empathetic and compassionate with one another will strengthen the connection between you.

Be flexible and willing to compromise

Being flexible and willing to compromise will allow you to grow and learn from your mistakes. Take responsibility for your part in any problem you face as a couple and be quick to offer an apology if an apology is due.

Laugh together

Look for the humor in frustrating situations. A good laugh can help diffuse tension, alter your perspective, and make your journey more memorable.

Plan date nights

Make time for regular one-on-one activities as a couple. Especially once you have children, these times can help you stay connected and increase your feelings of closeness.

Keep the spark alive

Make your spouse your best friend and don’t stop building your love for one another. Take an interest in each other’s interests, and look for fresh, new experiences to share, such as trying out a new restaurant, going on an adventure, or taking a vacation in a romantic spot.

Encourage one another

Regularly tell your spouse what you love and appreciate about them, do kind things for one another, and look for ways to brighten each other’s day.

Give each other space

Respect each other’s need for alone time occasionally. Having time to recharge and enjoy personal interests is as important as couple time and can strengthen your relationship.

Keep your private life private

One of the greatest pieces of advice for newlyweds is to keep private matters private. If you have problems in your relationship, seek help from someone qualified to give it to you rather than talk about it to anyone who will listen. Don’t speak negatively about your spouse to other people, or air personal issues on social media.

If you have questions about this article on advice for newlyweds or would like to pursue Christian couples counseling in Huntington Beach, California to help strengthen your bond, please give us a call at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling.

Photo:
“Just Married,” Courtesy of Drazen Nesic, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

The Dangers of Toxic Positivity in Relationships

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Some people are just the life of the party, and some people are what you’d call a ray of sunshine. There are times when the mood needs to be lifted, and when some positivity helps everyone in the room. However, not every moment or situation needs the same treatment, and insisting on it can become deeply problematic. The term ‘toxic positivity’ can help to describe some of these harmful tendencies.

What is toxic positivity?

We all tend to dislike experiences that generate sadness, guilt, shame, or loneliness, but some seek to steer clear of them altogether. These experiences and situations can’t be avoided though. When they happen, they need to be faced squarely. Being positive during such times is one thing, but toxic positivity is when a person avoids, suppresses, or rejects negative emotions or experiences.

It can look like shaming others for experiencing certain emotions, denying any negative emotions, invalidating one’s natural emotions, and an inability to respect other people’s emotional experiences. For instance, if someone has been having a tough time at work, a toxically positive person might respond, “You’re lucky to even have a job.”

To be sure, there is a place for gratitude in everyday life, but the person who struggles with toxic positivity doesn’t leave much room for others to express their feelings if those feelings aren’t positive. That can have significant drawbacks in a relationship. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling offers tools to foster authentic communication and emotional balance in relationships.

Some dangers of toxic positivity in relationships

For a relationship to flourish, the people in it must be able to express themselves honestly. Vulnerability is essential for intimacy and the health of the relationship. Toxic positivity in relationships can manifest in damaging ways that include gaslighting by downplaying or dismissing someone’s feelings, which can make them question their own emotions.

Another way that toxic positivity can manifest is by minimizing issues. It often results in dismissing or trivializing issues, rather than addressing and resolving them. Forced optimism is another reality, as the person with a toxic positivity will constantly demand a positive attitude, which in turn disregards others’ valid concerns or emotions.

Further, shaming or blaming is also a feature of toxic positivity, by criticizing or judging someone for not being positive enough. Toxic positivity will also often result in avoiding conflicts because it’s easier to sweep issues under the rug rather than confront and resolve them. While gratitude is important, toxic positivity results in an overemphasis on gratitude, without acknowledging valid frustrations or concerns.

Additionally, it can ignore or disrespect someone else’s boundaries under the guise of “staying positive” and can also result in toxic encouragement, which is pushing someone to do more without considering their well-being or limitations. In a relationship, toxic positivity can also lead to unrealistic expectations such as expecting a partner always to be happy, perfect, or positive.

Those who are toxically positive often demonstrate a lack of empathy and a failure to understand and validate someone else’s emotional experience. Healthy relationships thrive on authenticity, empathy, vulnerability, and understanding. Toxic positivity undermines these essential qualities that a relationship needs to flourish. Ultimately, it can harm the relationship and make it an unsafe place for others.

Growing to embrace difficult feelings

A person can hold onto toxic positivity for various reasons, but it is damaging not only to others but also to the toxically positive person. However, the good news is that it’s possible to overcome toxic positivity and learn to create space and embrace difficult feelings. Learning to overcome toxic positivity requires recognizing and challenging harmful behaviors and attitudes. Some steps to help include:

Recognizing toxic positivity

Self-reflect and develop your self-awareness to begin learning to identify when you are dismissing other’s emotions, minimizing problems, or forcing optimism in a given situation.

Embracing authenticity and imperfection

Allow yourself to feel and express a range of emotions, without judgment. Recognize the fact that no one is perfect except the Lord, and mistakes that you or anyone else makes are growth opportunities.

Setting realistic expectations

In line with the above, learn to let go of unrealistic expectations and keep your mind trained on progress and not perfection. Challenge any harmful beliefs you may have and reframe any unrealistic expectations you have of yourself or others. Cultivate a growth mindset so that you can embrace challenges and grow as you learn from your failures.

Nurturing emotional intelligence

Learn to recognize, understand, and healthily manage your emotions. Similarly, learn to recognize the emotions of others, and allow them to express a range of emotions without judgment. Practice empathy by listening actively to try and understand how others feel and see things.

Practicing mindfulness

Grow your ability to focus on the present moment and let go of the need for constant positivity.

Seeking professional help

Moving beyond toxic positivity requires self-awareness, empathy, and a willingness to embrace authenticity. You don’t have to do it alone. You can speak with a therapist or counselor to help you address underlying issues that fuel your toxic positivity.

Getting help

If you feel you fit this description or are in a relationship with someone who is toxically positive, reach out to our offices today. A Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you develop healthy coping strategies as you grow in your ability to embrace difficult feelings and situations.

Photo:
“Wild Flowers”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Why Do Affairs Happen? 7 Reasons for Infidelity

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There is often value in answering the question, “What happened?” In the story of a marriage, when infidelity occurs, it’s important to understand what happened and why it happened. According to some statistics, infidelity is responsible for between 20-40% of divorces. However, not everyone who has experienced infidelity opts to end their marriage. Many couples can find healing and choose to remain together.

Part of the healing process includes understanding why the infidelity happened in the first place so that the marriage can be strengthened and restored. Knowing why infidelity occurred can help a couple with accountability, and with developing a deeper understanding of how to love one another better. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling offers support in this healing journey, providing guidance on rebuilding trust and strengthening relationships.

Some reasons for infidelity

Infidelity is when one partner breaks their commitment to remain faithful to their partner by engaging in a romantic or sexual relationship with another person. Infidelity doesn’t have to be sexual. An emotional affair is when a person forms a deep connection with someone other than their partner, and that connection resembles or rivals the connection in the primary relationship.

Infidelity occurs under a wide variety of circumstances, and there are several reasons why people have affairs. What’s important to remember is that though there may be significant reasons why one decides to have an affair, the affair is still a decision, and one should take responsibility for one’s decisions. Understanding the reason behind infidelity shouldn’t absolve responsibility or create room for blaming or blame-shifting.

The key reason to understand why infidelity happens is to understand where there may be weaknesses in the relationship or issues that an individual or the couple needs to address as they go through counseling. Some of the reasons why infidelity occurs include:

Issues in the primary relationship

This is the reason most people assume why infidelity happens. Perhaps there’s a wedge that forms in the relationship and the couple drifts apart. Perhaps one partner begins working a lot more or goes through a serious illness, and intimacy suffers as a result. A period of prolonged conflict can also potentially result in seeking comfort outside the relationship.

Permissive attitudes

We live in a cultural and social context in which the mores around monogamy have been shifting profoundly. Polyamorous relationships are lauded, and as these cultural and societal norms about sex and intimacy shift, people may find themselves crossing boundaries into infidelity.

Low self-esteem and compulsion

A person may find themselves having an affair against their will, for instance when they are coerced by their employer. An individual with low self-esteem may also find themselves in an affair because they struggle to say “No” or because they may be seeking validation through the affair.

Sex addiction

A condition like sex or romance addiction can also be a contributing factor to an affair occurring.

Nostalgia and self-exploration

It’s common for an affair to happen when two people who were in a relationship before managing to connect again and rekindle their relationship. Taking the road not traveled and exploring new aspects of oneself is another reason why infidelity might also occur.

Revenge

If one spouse has had an affair in the past, the other spouse might have an affair as a form of revenge and to hurt their counterpart.

To end the relationship

If someone feels as though they want to end the relationship, and they feel otherwise unheard or powerless to do so, they may have an affair as a way to undermine the relationship in such a significant manner as to end it.

Finding healing after infidelity

When infidelity occurs, it undermines trust in the relationship. That breach of trust is serious enough to end the relationship. A betrayal can make it difficult to move beyond being suspicious of the partner who cheated. In many ways, infidelity can also be traumatic, causing nightmares and flashbacks for both partners.

Healing after infidelity can only really happen if there is an acknowledgment that the affair happened. Without remorse or taking responsibility for what happened, a couple can’t move forward and begin making the changes necessary to heal the broken trust. In addition to this, accountability is necessary so that the partner who was cheated on feels safe enough to trust their partner again.

Counseling is another ingredient in a couple’s finding healing. It creates a safe and supportive environment for the couple to explore feelings of hurt, and for them to express their needs and begin setting goals for themselves.

Through counseling, the couple can explore reasons for infidelity and why the infidelity occurred. They can also identify unhealthy patterns in the relationship, address areas where the couple does not love each other well, and work to improve their communication and intimacy.

Getting help

If you or your partner is struggling to work through the impact of infidelity, please reach out to us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling. We can arrange an appointment for you to see a trained Christian therapist in Huntington Beach, California who can help you walk a healing journey.

Photos:
“Green Plants”, Courtesy of Vadim L., Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Mapping the Heart: Navigating Codependency and Establishing Boundaries

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The accounts of Jesus’ time on earth provide a practical and spiritual template for those who follow Him. His approach to navigating challenges serves to encourage and infuse confidence in all we confront. He exhibited the principle of establishing healthy relationships, communication, and boundaries.

Prioritizing the Father’s will, Jesus’ desire to please His Father was the impetus that governed His ministry. He relentlessly pursued what would ultimately give God glory in every circumstance, regardless of the demands that others attempted to impose on Him.

The mirror of Scripture can help us to observe this as we watch Jesus engage with a pair of sisters hosting Jesus at their home. Martha was busy preparing for dinner, yet not enjoying the Lord’s presence. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help individuals reflect on and embrace the peace found in Christ’s presence, even in the midst of busyness.

While her sister Mary listened to Jesus teach, Martha lamented to the Savior. Instead of communicating directly with Mary, Martha circumvented her, by talking to Jesus about what Mary wasn’t doing and what she presumed should be happening instead. Jesus’ response exhibited a reflection of what healthy boundaries can look like in our own lives.

While Jesus didn’t negate the necessity of dinner, His emphasis in this account helps us to recognize, repent, and reset where our priorities misalign. He addressed Martha but refused to allow imposed guilt to usurp His priority.

As Messiah, He realized that Martha wanted to be validated and supported; Martha’s need for replenishment was apparent. It was what Mary had already chosen: to ease her codependent and anxious mind in rest and replenishment at Jesus’ feet.

No amount of work, regardless of how noble, fills us like spending time with Jesus. Christ presented the perfect example, illustrating that loving people and establishing boundaries are not mutually exclusive. We need both; and in fact, one informs the other.

We set boundaries because we want to protect the time in the presence of God and with loved ones and preserve these relationships. It is because of love that we establish boundaries as parameters to redirect our resources to nourish what we value.

When we are busying ourselves with what everyone else is or isn’t doing, we miss important face-to-face time with the Lord. There may be words and wisdom that He wants to share, but as long as we are codependently preoccupied with other people’s behaviors, we deflect attention from Christ.

Boundaries around our peace or priorities weaken the hold that worry and anxiety leverage. Yet, when we avoid marking boundaries on our time, we overextend ourselves and overcommit limited resources of energy and attention. Like Martha, this can be taxing for us as well as those in relationship with us.

Instead of engaging in life-giving exchanges, we keep score, ticking off our contributions and others’ perceived failures. We diminish them, even as we see in this story (Luke 10:38-42). There are two hostesses, yet they are both displaying a different kind of welcome for the Visitor in their home.

When we operate from a codependent mindset, we project what we want onto others, stepping over the boundaries around what they value. Instead, we misuse our relational influence to control them with guilt or emotion, presuming that they should respond to what we want and disregard their own unique needs and desires.

Codependency looks away from the areas to be reconfigured in our hearts. Furthermore, it minimizes the impact that our controlling words and actions have on those we love.

The speck of sawdust in someone else’s eye looms larger than the log bursting through our own when we allow codependency to govern and inform our mindset (Matthew 7:3-5). The result is that we won’t establish healthy boundaries that refocus us on what we need to manage with the Lord in our own lives. We place ourselves in the position of God by trying to rescue, redeem, or reprove other people for what they need to manage with the Savior.

It doesn’t have to be like this. We can make immediate pivots, recognizing where our codependent disregard for boundaries has spilled over into interactions with our loved ones. The Lord is our Counselor and Helper. Through His Holy Spirit, He will direct us to counseling resources to support us with making lasting change. Just like change came to Mary and Martha’s home, it can come to ours as well.

Next steps to establishing boundaries

Wherever you are, take courage and hope that change is possible. God has provided valid solutions and practical support for you to initiate it in your own life. Contact one of the counselors here at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling in California. Make your appointment to experience the beginning of life changes. You can begin to redraw the lines of your heart map, establishing boundaries that protect what matters most.

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“Coffee Convo”, Courtesy of Christina Morillo, Pexels.com, CC0 License