Help for Toxic Couples Through Christian Couples Counseling

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There is no such thing as the perfect couple. However, some couples have a healthy and flourishing relationship with a dysfunctional dynamic. Every relationship will have its issues and sticking points, and the couple will have problems that stem from their circumstances as well as how they respond to them. The question is whether the couple and their relationship can be called “toxic.”

What is a toxic relationship?

One of the words that has made the rounds online and in daily conversation is “toxic.” The word was once more commonly used to talk about byproducts from chemical or manufacturing plants, and it referred to waste and other materials that could cause death. Now, the word is often used to describe certain patterns of behavior that are problematic, and perhaps even dangerous.

As a person looks at their own life, they may not see themselves or what they say and do as toxic. Some of this is due to a lack of self-awareness, and some of it may be due to the human proclivity toward self-deception (Jeremiah 17:9). It’s possible to see and know your own bad habits, but to minimize them and their impact on other people. This makes it hard to acknowledge harmful or toxic behavior. If you’re struggling with this, Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help.

To describe a relationship as toxic doesn’t mean that every facet of it is deeply problematic and needs to be jettisoned entirely. Instead, it means that behavior patterns in the relationship hinder and undermine flourishing. It’s important to recognize that it’s not just one-off incidents, but patterns of behavior. This means one or both partners act in a certain problematic way more often than not.

Some Examples of Toxic Behaviors

Here are some examples of the kinds of behavior that are harmful or that undermine flourishing in a relationship. It’s important to remember that the greatest commandments are for us to love God with our whole heart, and to love one another the way we love ourselves (Matthew 22:34-40). The Bible then describes what that kind of love looks like – a consistent desire for and self-sacrifice for the good of the other person (1 Corinthians 13).

A relationship can and should be a place where people are loved. That means it’s a place where each partner sacrifices their own way, doesn’t demand to use their own understanding as the basis for decisions, and forgives over and over again.

A loving relationship is a place where each is seen, heard, given room to grow, supported in becoming who the Lord intends them to be, kept accountable to what is true and right and good, and where godly character flourishes. Some examples of toxic or harmful behaviors and attitudes that undermine these things include the following:

Constant conflict

Every relationship will have some conflict. When two people with different personalities and outlooks come together, there will be differences of opinion, and those can turn into conflict. Conflict may provide a couple with room to express themselves, their values, and their needs. At the end of conflict, the couple can have a better understanding of each other, and how to effectively meet felt needs.

If, on the other hand, a couple is constantly embroiled in conflict, and they don’t resolve their conflicts, then it’s problematic. Constant conflict and unresolved conflict undermine the couples’ relationship and sense of fulfillment. It may also point to deeper issues such as unwillingness to compromise, or poor communication.

Avoiding conflict

The other side of the conflict pendulum is a couple avoiding conflict. It can be an issue if one or both partners are walking on eggshells with each other, hesitating to bring up concerns because it’ll ruffle feathers, or leaving conflict situations unresolved instead of talking things through. Conflict may be unpleasant, but it may allow a couple to address issues, and, paradoxically, for them to draw closer together.

Avoiding conflict leaves issues unaddressed, leading to frustration and increasing resentment. It can also result in dwindling trust and a widening emotional gap between partners. Instead of de-escalating things, avoiding conflict allows issues to simmer in the background until they boil over.

Anger issues

Your partner is bound to do things that will drive you up the wall. You’ll get angry with each other. That’s different from anger issues, which occur when anger is present in your daily interactions, and gets expressed in unhealthy ways like shouting, swearing, hitting, throwing or breaking things, making threats, being sarcastic, giving the silent treatment, or engaging in self-harm. Another way to define anger issues is contempt.

Anger is a powerful emotion, one which often erupts when a boundary has been violated or we feel unsafe in some way. It’s not always meant to be bottled up, nor is it meant to be expressed in volatile and violent ways that harm others or us. Instead, when it is appropriate to express, it can and should be expressed calmly, assertively, and clearly.

Abuse

When you’re dealing with another person, you’re dealing with a fearfully and wonderfully made, beautiful image of our creator and Lord (Genesis 1:26-28; Psalms 139:14; James 3:9-10). That means there are appropriate and dignifying ways of treating and relating to such beings.

It also means there are inappropriate and undignified ways of relating to them. Due to the dynamics in relationships where there is active unwanted touch and sometimes other forms of abuse, couples counseling is not appropriate as it is not a safe relationship to restore one’s trust, and it isn’t fair to either one of the individuals.

Dishonesty

The truth is important in any relationship. It’s not always easy to say or hear the truth, but a relationship without truth has no foundation. A pattern of dishonesty, whether regarding the use of time, finances, who they’re spending time with, or what they truly think or feel, is problematic for a relationship.

There are many other ways in which a relationship can be toxic, including selfishness, lack of accountability, lack of empathy for one another, sabotaging one another’s efforts, withholding support or emotional availability, neglecting each other’s basic needs, or avoiding responsibilities in and around the home. These and other things can undermine the health of a relationship.

Help For Toxic Couples

What can you do if you’re in a toxic relationship? The answer depends on how toxic the relationship is and whether you both want to do something about it. A relationship can be so toxic that it’s a threat to life and limb, and a person’s well-being. In such cases, utilizing individual treatment is a more appropriate start to allow for both individuals to be heard and supported.

The only way a toxic relationship gets fixed is if both parties are committed to working at it. It requires awareness that the relationship is toxic and that both parties recognize that they aren’t honoring each other. You can seek help from a Christian couples counselor who can help you understand the unhealthy dynamics in your relationship. They can also work with you to improve communication, problem solving, and respect for each other.

Through Christian couples counseling, you can learn constructive ways of communicating and resolving conflict, learn how to hear each other and carve out space for one another, how to hold yourselves and each other accountable, and become more aware of how you and your partner best feel loved, so your felt needs are met. A toxic relationship can be turned around; your relationship can find a new life. Reach out for help today. A Christian couples counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you identify unhealthy dynamics and work toward better communication, problem-solving, and mutual respect.

Photos:
“Fingers Crossed”, Courtesy of tswedensky, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Conversations”, Courtesy of wal-172619, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Argument”, Courtesy of RyanMcGuire, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Stubborn”, Courtesy of Tumisu, Pexels.com, CC0 License

10 Things That Help You Handle Life

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Life is a beautifully challenging thing to walk through. Some moments feel great, and you manage them easily, and other moments are more challenging. In challenging moments, it is easy to let other people’s ideas shape how you respond.

When you were growing up it could have been a simple comment like “Don’t cry,” from a parent after you had a hard day. Today, it may be something more complex like feeling guilty for taking a break when you have so much to do. It is common to accept these ideas as healthy and normal, but they can result in feelings of shame when you are dealing with things in your life.

Instead of accepting these ideas, we can choose to look at how our responses and feelings can benefit us in our circumstances. You don’t necessarily have to feel ashamed for experiencing different feelings or responses, especially when things feel hard already. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you process these emotions in a healthy way.

While you may have had people tell you differently, you don’t have to feel ashamed for processing life in your own way. Here are ten things you may not have to feel ashamed for:

  1. Asking for help  We have developed a fiercely independent culture, especially when it comes to needing help. Instead of relying on others, we try to do things on our own. This is often neither beneficial nor biblical.

Galatians reminds us to “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2, ESV) We are to support one another. Additionally, we are to come to God when we need help. “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” (James 1:5, ESV)

  1. Taking time to be alone  While it is often good to seek help from others, it is also okay to need time away from other people. We need to balance community and time alone, especially when we use that time alone to seek God.

Every person is created with unique needs and a capacity for time with others and time alone. This is true in daily life, exciting seasons, and tough times. Ask God to show you what you need.

  1. Self-care  While the idea of self-care has become a bit of a buzzword in modern culture and on social media, the reality is that many people do not pursue it. When people do take time for self-care, they can sometimes feel guilty or try to do things that seem like self-care but don’t truly fill them up.

Instead, you can choose to take care of yourself in a healthy way. Ask God what you need most and do that. It’s okay if it looks different from what your friend or family member needs. God wants you to take good care of yourself because He loves you.

  1. Crying  As in the earlier example, some people feel ashamed for crying. This can be because of things people have said, because of societal norms, or simply because it makes them self-conscious. Crying doesn’t need to be looked at this way. Instead, crying can be seen as a natural release of emotion.

Emotional tears also contain more mood-regulating manganese than the other types. Stress “tightens muscles and heightens tension, so when you cry you release some of that,” Sideroff says. “[Crying] activates the parasympathetic nervous system and restores the body to a state of balance.” – Serusha Govender

  1. Feeling things  Like tears, some people are taught that feelings are unsafe, unacceptable, or bad. If you grew up in a situation where feelings were never expressed, it may seem foreign to do so. Conversely, if you grew up in a situation where expressing feelings caused increased tension or violence, you may have learned to keep feelings hidden.

Unfortunately, this approach typically makes things worse. Feelings may be either good or bad, depending on the situation. Identifying them and allowing them space can help diffuse them and help you evaluate them. A counselor can help you with this. It is a learning experience, and you can find help to express, identify, and process righteous feelings without shame.

  1. Recognize joy in hard times  When you are going through a difficult time, it may feel odd to find joy. For example, if you recently lost your job, it could seem strange to some people that you find joy in the extra time you have to go for a walk during the day.

Another common example is when walking through grief. Sometimes people experience times of joy, even as they face the loss of someone they cared about. This can be disturbing for some people, but it is nothing to be ashamed of. Instead, you can see how you can carry both hard things and joyful things at the same time.

Even James reminds us of the importance of joy in tough times: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” (James 1:2, NIV) You can navigate joy amid your hardship.

  1. Resting   It is no surprise we live in a busy world full of things we need to do. In our achievement-based culture, we often neglect to take adequate time to rest. This doesn’t just mean sleep, although that can be part of it.

We need time to rest, to take a break from whatever situation or hardship we are facing. Even though some will try to tell us to keep going, to get more done, to stay busy, sometimes the very thing we need most is a break. You do not have to feel shame for making time to rest.

Whether it is in the middle of the day, an hour after you wake up, or in the evening, you can rest if it is what you need.

  1. Feeling weak  In a world that sees weakness as something to be fixed, it can be hard to think of it as something to embrace. The truth is, we are all weak. No matter how much we try to prove that we are strong, the Bible is clear: we are all weak and Jesus is our strength.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. – 2 Corinthians 12:9, ESV

  1. Setting and maintaining boundaries   Many of us have lived in situations where boundaries were not welcome. We had people in our lives that overshadowed any sense of personal comfort we may have or disregarded our preferences. This can make it difficult for us to feel comfortable setting and maintaining boundaries.

As you walk through life, you do not need to feel any sense of shame for setting boundaries. It is healthy and wise to recognize your boundaries and find respectful ways to communicate those. If that is difficult for you, a counselor can help you identify them and find ways to kindly share them. They can also offer accountability for maintaining your boundaries with others.

  1. Being angry  Just as with any feeling, anger is not always something to be ashamed of. It is a feeling that everyone has experienced, even Jesus. Often, we have experienced situations that try to downplay or eliminate anger because it is uncomfortable or expressed poorly.

Instead of pretending anger isn’t there, you can learn to be angry in healthy, productive ways. Anger, however, may be sinful or righteous – it is not simply a feeling. If you struggle with sinful anger, there is help across the spectrum from identifying anger to anger management.

Finding the support you need

As you learn about these healthier approaches to handling life, you may find that you need support in ways to accept them, how to implement them, or ways to remove the shame associated with them. There is help available.

A Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling  can help you with this process. Contact our office today to learn more.

Sources:

https://www.instagram.com/p/CsjAaSfuquM/

https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/is-crying-good-for-you#:~:text=Emotional%20tears%20also%20contain%20more,to%20a%20state%20of%20balance.%22

Photo:
“Train Rail”, Courtesy of Unsplash, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

The Benefits of Christian Premarital Counseling

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Choosing Christian premarital counseling has helped many couples get clear on their relationship, work through obstacles, and learn lifelong skills.

The benefits of Christian premarital counseling are vast. You might think that you know your soon-to-be spouse. You’re in love with this person, so what is left to learn? Unfortunately, we cannot go merely on our feelings. There is more to a relationship than how you feel about the other person.

What Christian Premarital Counseling Can Do For You

Christian premarital counseling seeks to bring those things to the surface to discuss and circumvent potential obstacles. The following is a list of several benefits worth discussing during a counseling session. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling provides a supportive environment for couples to explore these topics and prepare for a strong, faith-centered marriage.

Family History

Knowing each other’s family history can help you understand their perspective. For example, if you grew up in poverty, you may have more resiliency to financial downturns than your spouse.

Family history can also affect how one reacts to situations or treats people. If they were abused as a child, they may be short-tempered with those they love. Everyone can change the trajectory of their life no matter where they started, but they might need help.

Goals for the Future

Do your goals mesh with your partner’s goals? For example, if your goal is to finish your education degree and teach in a local school, you might have an issue if your significant other wants to move several states away to work in a rural setting. You can find common ground, but you may need help brainstorming solutions that will work for both of you.

Learn Communication Skills

Many marriage troubles are due to a lack of communication skills. We often speak without hearing the other person. We might even concoct an answer while the other person is still speaking to us.

A counselor can introduce you to communication skills like active listening, asking open-ended questions, watching for nonverbal communication, speaking clearly and concisely, and displaying empathy toward your loved one.

Identify Obstacles

We have all heard of red flags, but how many have noticed them when we are in love? A third party, like a counselor, can help identify obstacles that might cause you issues in the future. Counseling is a safe place to discover and work through problems before they become roadblocks in your marriage.

Discuss Conflict Resolution

Many people handle conflict the way they were raised. Maybe they storm out during an argument, slam doors, or scream and yell. You and your significant other may have entirely different methods for expressing anger.

Counseling is a safe place to navigate anger and learn conflict resolution. Anger is not necessarily a wrong emotion, but how we manage it can lead to either a healthy relationship or a strained marriage.

Discuss Marriage Expectations

To avoid tension in the marriage, discuss expectations early in the relationship. For example, do you want to assume more traditional gender roles for housekeeping, with the husband working outside the home and the wife staying home? Do you plan to share the household duties equally? Would you rather (and can you afford) a housekeeper? Conflict can result if one spouse expects the other to assume a task if the responsibility is not shared.

Parenting Styles

If you plan to have children or already have children from a prior marriage, you will need to discuss parenting styles and come to an agreement. Were you raised by strict parents and want to follow in their footsteps? But what if your spouse wants to maintain a more laid-back and relaxed parenting style? A counselor can work as a mediator to help you reach a conclusion that combines your parenting styles for what may be best for the children.

Managing Finances

A marriage can end due to mismanagement of funds. Finances play a huge part in a marriage, including paying off student loans, planning a wedding, buying a house and car, going back to college, having a child, and medical expenses. Both spouses should have access to the financial records.

If one of you struggles with shopping addiction or gambling, speak to a counselor to learn how to manage finances, discuss checking and savings accounts, pay off debt, and budget for vacations and holidays.

Talk to a Counselor Before Taking the Leap

Before taking the leap, consider Christian premarital counseling as part of your wedding planning. You both must have a good mindset and are on the same page regarding your marriage and future life together.

Call us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling today to book a session with a counselor for Christian premarital counseling in Huntington Beach, California.

Photo:
“Engaged,” courtesy of Nathan Mullet, unsplash.com, CCO License

Practical Advice for Newlyweds

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A marriage based on love and respect doesn’t just happen. It is something you need to work on. One of the biggest adjustments is making the mental shift from deciding things on your own to having your decisions involve someone else. In this situation, advice for newlyweds can be helpful.

Advice for Newlyweds

The following are some practical tips that can help smooth your transition from singlehood to marriage. Mostly they come from couples in happy, long-lasting marriages who have gone the distance themselves. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling offers guidance and support to help couples build strong foundations for a lasting marriage.

Remember your commitment

Marriage is a covenant with a person who is not always going to make you happy, nor you him or her. On hard days when you’re feeling frustrated or upset, remember your commitment. Be intentional about investing time, energy, and communication into understanding and meeting one another’s needs. Always be there for one another and learn how to attack problems together with a mindset of it being the two of you against the world, as opposed to against each other.

Have realistic expectations

Marriage is not all glamorous. There are going to be good days and bad days when you don’t feel in love, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your relationship. Ups and downs are inevitable in even the happiest of marriages. Not every disagreement, however, is worth fighting over. Learn to choose your battles wisely.

Be open and honest

Keep your lines of communication open and make a habit of talking often about your thoughts and feelings. Secrets divide but being open and honest with one another about everything – especially the stuff that hurts – will help foster trust, strengthen the connection between you, and increase intimacy.

Be quick to forgive

Don’t wait to stop feeling angry before being willing to forgive. It does not mean pretending not to be hurt, disappointed, or upset, but if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, it is an intentional choice to set aside pride and extend the same grace to your spouse that Christ extended to you on the cross. Forgiveness provides space to work things out rather than allow an issue to fester and damage the rest of your relationship.

Avoid accusations and defensiveness

Avoid focusing on past upsets or using threats of divorce to get what you want. Be kind and communicate respectfully, even when you are feeling upset. Remember that your spouse is not a mind reader. Tell him or her what the cause of your distress is using “I” statements to express how it causes you to feel, rather than make accusations, cast blame, or be defensive about your part in the issue.

Practice active listening

Assume the best of one another. If your spouse’s actions upset you, try to find out what their motivation was before jumping to conclusions. Listen attentively to what they are saying. Try to understand their perspective, and validate their thoughts and feelings, even if you don’t agree with them. Being empathetic and compassionate with one another will strengthen the connection between you.

Be flexible and willing to compromise

Being flexible and willing to compromise will allow you to grow and learn from your mistakes. Take responsibility for your part in any problem you face as a couple and be quick to offer an apology if an apology is due.

Laugh together

Look for the humor in frustrating situations. A good laugh can help diffuse tension, alter your perspective, and make your journey more memorable.

Plan date nights

Make time for regular one-on-one activities as a couple. Especially once you have children, these times can help you stay connected and increase your feelings of closeness.

Keep the spark alive

Make your spouse your best friend and don’t stop building your love for one another. Take an interest in each other’s interests, and look for fresh, new experiences to share, such as trying out a new restaurant, going on an adventure, or taking a vacation in a romantic spot.

Encourage one another

Regularly tell your spouse what you love and appreciate about them, do kind things for one another, and look for ways to brighten each other’s day.

Give each other space

Respect each other’s need for alone time occasionally. Having time to recharge and enjoy personal interests is as important as couple time and can strengthen your relationship.

Keep your private life private

One of the greatest pieces of advice for newlyweds is to keep private matters private. If you have problems in your relationship, seek help from someone qualified to give it to you rather than talk about it to anyone who will listen. Don’t speak negatively about your spouse to other people, or air personal issues on social media.

If you have questions about this article on advice for newlyweds or would like to pursue Christian couples counseling in Huntington Beach, California to help strengthen your bond, please give us a call at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling.

Photo:
“Just Married,” Courtesy of Drazen Nesic, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

The Dangers of Toxic Positivity in Relationships

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Some people are just the life of the party, and some people are what you’d call a ray of sunshine. There are times when the mood needs to be lifted, and when some positivity helps everyone in the room. However, not every moment or situation needs the same treatment, and insisting on it can become deeply problematic. The term ‘toxic positivity’ can help to describe some of these harmful tendencies.

What is toxic positivity?

We all tend to dislike experiences that generate sadness, guilt, shame, or loneliness, but some seek to steer clear of them altogether. These experiences and situations can’t be avoided though. When they happen, they need to be faced squarely. Being positive during such times is one thing, but toxic positivity is when a person avoids, suppresses, or rejects negative emotions or experiences.

It can look like shaming others for experiencing certain emotions, denying any negative emotions, invalidating one’s natural emotions, and an inability to respect other people’s emotional experiences. For instance, if someone has been having a tough time at work, a toxically positive person might respond, “You’re lucky to even have a job.”

To be sure, there is a place for gratitude in everyday life, but the person who struggles with toxic positivity doesn’t leave much room for others to express their feelings if those feelings aren’t positive. That can have significant drawbacks in a relationship. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling offers tools to foster authentic communication and emotional balance in relationships.

Some dangers of toxic positivity in relationships

For a relationship to flourish, the people in it must be able to express themselves honestly. Vulnerability is essential for intimacy and the health of the relationship. Toxic positivity in relationships can manifest in damaging ways that include gaslighting by downplaying or dismissing someone’s feelings, which can make them question their own emotions.

Another way that toxic positivity can manifest is by minimizing issues. It often results in dismissing or trivializing issues, rather than addressing and resolving them. Forced optimism is another reality, as the person with a toxic positivity will constantly demand a positive attitude, which in turn disregards others’ valid concerns or emotions.

Further, shaming or blaming is also a feature of toxic positivity, by criticizing or judging someone for not being positive enough. Toxic positivity will also often result in avoiding conflicts because it’s easier to sweep issues under the rug rather than confront and resolve them. While gratitude is important, toxic positivity results in an overemphasis on gratitude, without acknowledging valid frustrations or concerns.

Additionally, it can ignore or disrespect someone else’s boundaries under the guise of “staying positive” and can also result in toxic encouragement, which is pushing someone to do more without considering their well-being or limitations. In a relationship, toxic positivity can also lead to unrealistic expectations such as expecting a partner always to be happy, perfect, or positive.

Those who are toxically positive often demonstrate a lack of empathy and a failure to understand and validate someone else’s emotional experience. Healthy relationships thrive on authenticity, empathy, vulnerability, and understanding. Toxic positivity undermines these essential qualities that a relationship needs to flourish. Ultimately, it can harm the relationship and make it an unsafe place for others.

Growing to embrace difficult feelings

A person can hold onto toxic positivity for various reasons, but it is damaging not only to others but also to the toxically positive person. However, the good news is that it’s possible to overcome toxic positivity and learn to create space and embrace difficult feelings. Learning to overcome toxic positivity requires recognizing and challenging harmful behaviors and attitudes. Some steps to help include:

Recognizing toxic positivity

Self-reflect and develop your self-awareness to begin learning to identify when you are dismissing other’s emotions, minimizing problems, or forcing optimism in a given situation.

Embracing authenticity and imperfection

Allow yourself to feel and express a range of emotions, without judgment. Recognize the fact that no one is perfect except the Lord, and mistakes that you or anyone else makes are growth opportunities.

Setting realistic expectations

In line with the above, learn to let go of unrealistic expectations and keep your mind trained on progress and not perfection. Challenge any harmful beliefs you may have and reframe any unrealistic expectations you have of yourself or others. Cultivate a growth mindset so that you can embrace challenges and grow as you learn from your failures.

Nurturing emotional intelligence

Learn to recognize, understand, and healthily manage your emotions. Similarly, learn to recognize the emotions of others, and allow them to express a range of emotions without judgment. Practice empathy by listening actively to try and understand how others feel and see things.

Practicing mindfulness

Grow your ability to focus on the present moment and let go of the need for constant positivity.

Seeking professional help

Moving beyond toxic positivity requires self-awareness, empathy, and a willingness to embrace authenticity. You don’t have to do it alone. You can speak with a therapist or counselor to help you address underlying issues that fuel your toxic positivity.

Getting help

If you feel you fit this description or are in a relationship with someone who is toxically positive, reach out to our offices today. A Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you develop healthy coping strategies as you grow in your ability to embrace difficult feelings and situations.

Photo:
“Wild Flowers”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Why Do Affairs Happen? 7 Reasons for Infidelity

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There is often value in answering the question, “What happened?” In the story of a marriage, when infidelity occurs, it’s important to understand what happened and why it happened. According to some statistics, infidelity is responsible for between 20-40% of divorces. However, not everyone who has experienced infidelity opts to end their marriage. Many couples can find healing and choose to remain together.

Part of the healing process includes understanding why the infidelity happened in the first place so that the marriage can be strengthened and restored. Knowing why infidelity occurred can help a couple with accountability, and with developing a deeper understanding of how to love one another better. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling offers support in this healing journey, providing guidance on rebuilding trust and strengthening relationships.

Some reasons for infidelity

Infidelity is when one partner breaks their commitment to remain faithful to their partner by engaging in a romantic or sexual relationship with another person. Infidelity doesn’t have to be sexual. An emotional affair is when a person forms a deep connection with someone other than their partner, and that connection resembles or rivals the connection in the primary relationship.

Infidelity occurs under a wide variety of circumstances, and there are several reasons why people have affairs. What’s important to remember is that though there may be significant reasons why one decides to have an affair, the affair is still a decision, and one should take responsibility for one’s decisions. Understanding the reason behind infidelity shouldn’t absolve responsibility or create room for blaming or blame-shifting.

The key reason to understand why infidelity happens is to understand where there may be weaknesses in the relationship or issues that an individual or the couple needs to address as they go through counseling. Some of the reasons why infidelity occurs include:

Issues in the primary relationship

This is the reason most people assume why infidelity happens. Perhaps there’s a wedge that forms in the relationship and the couple drifts apart. Perhaps one partner begins working a lot more or goes through a serious illness, and intimacy suffers as a result. A period of prolonged conflict can also potentially result in seeking comfort outside the relationship.

Permissive attitudes

We live in a cultural and social context in which the mores around monogamy have been shifting profoundly. Polyamorous relationships are lauded, and as these cultural and societal norms about sex and intimacy shift, people may find themselves crossing boundaries into infidelity.

Low self-esteem and compulsion

A person may find themselves having an affair against their will, for instance when they are coerced by their employer. An individual with low self-esteem may also find themselves in an affair because they struggle to say “No” or because they may be seeking validation through the affair.

Sex addiction

A condition like sex or romance addiction can also be a contributing factor to an affair occurring.

Nostalgia and self-exploration

It’s common for an affair to happen when two people who were in a relationship before managing to connect again and rekindle their relationship. Taking the road not traveled and exploring new aspects of oneself is another reason why infidelity might also occur.

Revenge

If one spouse has had an affair in the past, the other spouse might have an affair as a form of revenge and to hurt their counterpart.

To end the relationship

If someone feels as though they want to end the relationship, and they feel otherwise unheard or powerless to do so, they may have an affair as a way to undermine the relationship in such a significant manner as to end it.

Finding healing after infidelity

When infidelity occurs, it undermines trust in the relationship. That breach of trust is serious enough to end the relationship. A betrayal can make it difficult to move beyond being suspicious of the partner who cheated. In many ways, infidelity can also be traumatic, causing nightmares and flashbacks for both partners.

Healing after infidelity can only really happen if there is an acknowledgment that the affair happened. Without remorse or taking responsibility for what happened, a couple can’t move forward and begin making the changes necessary to heal the broken trust. In addition to this, accountability is necessary so that the partner who was cheated on feels safe enough to trust their partner again.

Counseling is another ingredient in a couple’s finding healing. It creates a safe and supportive environment for the couple to explore feelings of hurt, and for them to express their needs and begin setting goals for themselves.

Through counseling, the couple can explore reasons for infidelity and why the infidelity occurred. They can also identify unhealthy patterns in the relationship, address areas where the couple does not love each other well, and work to improve their communication and intimacy.

Getting help

If you or your partner is struggling to work through the impact of infidelity, please reach out to us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling. We can arrange an appointment for you to see a trained Christian therapist in Huntington Beach, California who can help you walk a healing journey.

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“Green Plants”, Courtesy of Vadim L., Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Mapping the Heart: Navigating Codependency and Establishing Boundaries

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The accounts of Jesus’ time on earth provide a practical and spiritual template for those who follow Him. His approach to navigating challenges serves to encourage and infuse confidence in all we confront. He exhibited the principle of establishing healthy relationships, communication, and boundaries.

Prioritizing the Father’s will, Jesus’ desire to please His Father was the impetus that governed His ministry. He relentlessly pursued what would ultimately give God glory in every circumstance, regardless of the demands that others attempted to impose on Him.

The mirror of Scripture can help us to observe this as we watch Jesus engage with a pair of sisters hosting Jesus at their home. Martha was busy preparing for dinner, yet not enjoying the Lord’s presence. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help individuals reflect on and embrace the peace found in Christ’s presence, even in the midst of busyness.

While her sister Mary listened to Jesus teach, Martha lamented to the Savior. Instead of communicating directly with Mary, Martha circumvented her, by talking to Jesus about what Mary wasn’t doing and what she presumed should be happening instead. Jesus’ response exhibited a reflection of what healthy boundaries can look like in our own lives.

While Jesus didn’t negate the necessity of dinner, His emphasis in this account helps us to recognize, repent, and reset where our priorities misalign. He addressed Martha but refused to allow imposed guilt to usurp His priority.

As Messiah, He realized that Martha wanted to be validated and supported; Martha’s need for replenishment was apparent. It was what Mary had already chosen: to ease her codependent and anxious mind in rest and replenishment at Jesus’ feet.

No amount of work, regardless of how noble, fills us like spending time with Jesus. Christ presented the perfect example, illustrating that loving people and establishing boundaries are not mutually exclusive. We need both; and in fact, one informs the other.

We set boundaries because we want to protect the time in the presence of God and with loved ones and preserve these relationships. It is because of love that we establish boundaries as parameters to redirect our resources to nourish what we value.

When we are busying ourselves with what everyone else is or isn’t doing, we miss important face-to-face time with the Lord. There may be words and wisdom that He wants to share, but as long as we are codependently preoccupied with other people’s behaviors, we deflect attention from Christ.

Boundaries around our peace or priorities weaken the hold that worry and anxiety leverage. Yet, when we avoid marking boundaries on our time, we overextend ourselves and overcommit limited resources of energy and attention. Like Martha, this can be taxing for us as well as those in relationship with us.

Instead of engaging in life-giving exchanges, we keep score, ticking off our contributions and others’ perceived failures. We diminish them, even as we see in this story (Luke 10:38-42). There are two hostesses, yet they are both displaying a different kind of welcome for the Visitor in their home.

When we operate from a codependent mindset, we project what we want onto others, stepping over the boundaries around what they value. Instead, we misuse our relational influence to control them with guilt or emotion, presuming that they should respond to what we want and disregard their own unique needs and desires.

Codependency looks away from the areas to be reconfigured in our hearts. Furthermore, it minimizes the impact that our controlling words and actions have on those we love.

The speck of sawdust in someone else’s eye looms larger than the log bursting through our own when we allow codependency to govern and inform our mindset (Matthew 7:3-5). The result is that we won’t establish healthy boundaries that refocus us on what we need to manage with the Lord in our own lives. We place ourselves in the position of God by trying to rescue, redeem, or reprove other people for what they need to manage with the Savior.

It doesn’t have to be like this. We can make immediate pivots, recognizing where our codependent disregard for boundaries has spilled over into interactions with our loved ones. The Lord is our Counselor and Helper. Through His Holy Spirit, He will direct us to counseling resources to support us with making lasting change. Just like change came to Mary and Martha’s home, it can come to ours as well.

Next steps to establishing boundaries

Wherever you are, take courage and hope that change is possible. God has provided valid solutions and practical support for you to initiate it in your own life. Contact one of the counselors here at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling in California. Make your appointment to experience the beginning of life changes. You can begin to redraw the lines of your heart map, establishing boundaries that protect what matters most.

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“Coffee Convo”, Courtesy of Christina Morillo, Pexels.com, CC0 License

2 Benefits of Marriage Counseling and 3 Disadvantages

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The difficulties with marriage start at the beginning of a relationship. No one starts a relationship looking to end up in marriage counseling one day, but from the very start of “I think I like you” to the “I do” and beyond, there are certain difficulties that each couple will face

Some of these difficulties require more work than others. A majority of the troubles that couples face can benefit from marriage therapy. As with any tool, however, there are both benefits and disadvantages to marriage counseling. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling provides guidance and support for couples navigating challenges in their relationships.

Two benefits of marriage counseling.

For any couple working with a marriage counselor, there are benefits to reap once the work has been done to find a counselor that fits. The premise of marriage counseling is to assist couples in their relationship with themselves, one another, and the systems around them.

Choosing to work in such a context should not be a light decision, nor should it be a one-sided decision. Couples who come to counseling need to decide together that they are there to do the work, otherwise there are likely to be no benefits at all.

Communication.

One of the top benefits that can come from marriage counseling is improved communication. Even starting to talk about marriage therapy, whether for premarital, newly married couples, or long-time married couples can bring about better talk as a couple. This “pre-talk” allows the couple to define the terms, establish a reasonable assessment of how important the marriage is to one another, and explore what areas need to be worked on most.

While in marriage counseling, a counselor can help the couple improve their communication by supplying mediation and skill training. With a counselor acting as a mediator, couples have the advantage of slowing their communication down.

The counselor makes room for pausing and reflecting. This sort of mediation allows for couples to be heard by one another and get their point across more effectively. The mediation of a counselor helps couples to create safe boundaries while navigating conflict.

Skill training helps the couple increase their active and reflective listening. Skill training also serves to increase the couple’s positive communication by allowing them to practice filtering and shaping their words. By improving communication, the couple’s intimacy is increased and thereby overall satisfaction in the relationship.

Longevity.

Marriages start with the desire for the relationship to last and in order to have a lasting marriage, there needs to be a certain level of satisfaction. In other words, decreased satisfaction in times of conflict can jeopardize the marriage. In order to increase satisfaction between the couple, marriage counselors support them in developing better communication, conflict resolution, and empathy skills.

With an increase in these skills, the couple can feel more understood, more at ease, and more willing to be vulnerable. This leads to the couple having their needs met. As conflict decreases and needs are increasingly met, the satisfaction of the relationship increases. This increase in satisfaction improves the longevity of the relationship exponentially.

Three disadvantages of marriage counseling.

There are both benefits of marriage counseling and disadvantages. Two of the benefits of marriage counseling discussed above are communication and longevity. These play into one another, just as the disadvantages do. Disadvantages of marriage counseling can include areas of conflict resolution, self-discipline, and that it is not a “one-size-fits-all” intervention.

Conflict resolution.

Every marriage has its moments of conflict. Within couples therapy, couples are spending time addressing that conflict in hopes of a resolution. The disadvantage to this is that it can stir up the conflict and leave the couple more hurt before any resolution comes. Counseling takes time, and there are no guarantees with it. This means things can get worse before they get better.

Another aspect of conflict resolution is that often within marriage counseling, working on a current conflict brings up conflicts from the past. This leaves couples to face multiple conflicts at once. Any work with conflict resolution creates the opportunity for immense individual growth and strengthening of skills.

Working with a marriage counselor on resolving conflict in a marriage can help the couple develop a plan that improves their marriage. However, the plan will not be void of hard work and the facing of more difficult pain. Each individual has to make the decision to face the amount of work that conflict resolution presents them with.

Self-discipline.

Getting married to someone doesn’t mean that person is perfect. There is often an understanding within the relationship that there is room for each individual to grow. What can be unknown at times is the level of self-discipline it will take to both grow and endure the other’s need for growth.

Marriage counselors hold a unique position with a couple to both help the individuals see the need for self-discipline or growth, as well as to support them in building the skills necessary to achieve it. These skills include brain re-training, empathy building, behavior modification, habit training, etc.

Learning new skills and practicing new roles within the marriage requires self-discipline. As with any discipline, it is not easy to endure. The temporary pain is sometimes determined to not be worth the long-term gain. Marriage counseling requires the individuals to face this reality and own up to it.

Not a “one-size-fits-all” intervention.

Each individual in a marriage has the choice to both enter into and stay in marriage counseling. This requires multiple things to be right in order for it to work. For marriage therapy specifically, both individuals must agree to commit to the marriage and work on it, otherwise it is just individual counseling with an extra person in the room.

Once commitment to the marriage is secured, both individuals need to agree on who they work with. If one person feels uncomfortable with the counselor, or both, it will be an uphill battle while the couple is already wounded. After deciding that continuing the marriage is right for the couple and that the counselor is right for the couple, the couple then needs to decide at some point whether or not the counseling is serving the marriage well.

This decision can be the most difficult part to face, leaving the couple at a strong disadvantage. The difficulty lies within the hard work that facing conflict creates. Due to there being no guarantees in therapy, enduring hard work can leave the couple feeling more depleted than simply enduring the conflict, and thereby become a confusing time when they have to decide whether to continue counseling or not.

Marriage counseling is not the only way for couples to improve their marriage. In fact, for some it may create more conflict in a way that proves ineffective at addressing any original conflicts at hand. Sometimes talking things out and expressing feelings does not serve the purpose of resolution. Marriage counseling may not fit the relationship dynamics, circumstances, or even culture of the couple.

Is marriage counseling worth it?

Marriage counseling is a tool for couples to use just like any other tool. It is meant to support the couple in the growth and longevity of their relationship with each other. Whether the disadvantages outweigh the advantages really comes down to the married couple. If you are ready to explore more regarding whether marriage counseling is right for you, reach out to a Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling.

Photos:
“Young Couple”, Courtesy of Surprising_Shots, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Couple at Odds”, Courtesy of Tumisu, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Dream Life”, Courtesy of Olessya, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Country Walk”, Courtesy of PICNIC-Foto, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

Boundaries in Dating: Christian Principles

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Dating as a Christian today can be a hazardous exercise, with enormous pressure to conform to modern liberal norms. The Western world’s view of dating is primarily self-seeking, in which people date to overcome loneliness, fulfill perceived needs, and gain access to regular sex. In a word, there are no boundaries in dating.

As Christians, we are called to be “in the world” rather than “of the world.” How then should the way we date be different from the world’s way? What boundaries in dating should we put in place to protect us?

5 Suggested Boundaries in Dating for Christian Relationships

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. – Proverbs 4:23, NIV

1. Remember the purpose of dating.

The first of these five suggested boundaries in dating is to remember the purpose of dating. A Christian’s purpose in dating is quite simply to get to know if someone could be a suitable marriage partner. Therefore, first, make sure you are in a position (or soon to be in a position) to marry.

Marriage – specifically a marriage that glorifies God – is thus the ultimate goal of Christian dating. Dating someone unsuitable is not only pointless but also manipulative – if you don’t intend to marry them, you are effectively using them as an object to satisfy a perceived need. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can provide support in setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships.

2. Only date other believers and be honest about your faith.

Throughout Scripture, believers who want to get married are expected to marry other believers (e.g. – 2 Corinthians 6:14). This is another critical boundary in dating. If you use an online dating app, state your faith clearly on your profile. Don’t waste your time or other people’s time by hiding this critical bit of information.

If you meet someone in person, try to work it into the conversation early on and ask the other person about their faith. If a person seems reluctant to be known as a Christian, who hasn’t been plugged connected to a church for some time, or whose faith seems weak, these are red flags that dating should be avoided.

3. Introduce the other person early in the relationship.

In secular romantic movies, a couple will only introduce their boyfriend or girlfriend to their parents (and even some of their friends) after the relationship has become lengthy or serious, or even only after they are engaged! However, as Christians, seeking wise counsel from others on important matters like a potential marriage partner is a mark of spiritual maturity.

Introduce your partner to your family and friends early on in the relationship and invite input from other Christians that you trust. Often family or friends who know you well will be able to confirm whether the person is likely to be a good match or will draw your attention to some potential issues. These may not be easy conversations, so try not to be on the defensive but hear them out and remember the heart behind the comments.

4. Make it easier for yourself to stay sexually pure.

Among the most important boundaries in dating is staying sexually pure – this is reiterated in both the Old and New Testaments and remains a commandment for Christians today. Make it easier to avoid temptation by not living together, sleeping over at one another’s homes, or going on holiday alone together.

In fact, don’t ever be alone in private. In other words, only go out in public places or where others are around to help keep you accountable. Be aware of what you watch. Most of all, stay focused on the Lord and be an active member of a church that will support you as you date.

5. Put a (realistic) timeline on the relationship.

While marriage is not something to be rushed into, there is also something to be said about not pursuing a long-term relationship. If you have been dating for more than a year or two, it would be wise to ask yourselves honestly why there has been a lack of commitment to marriage and then either decide to marry or separate by a mutually agreed-upon date. Being stuck in a perpetual dating relationship generally gives rise to feelings of insecurity and unhappiness for at least half of the couple.

Seeking professional help.

If you are concerned about boundaries in your current relationship, consider Christian counseling in Huntington Beach. Talking through your concerns with a counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling who shares your faith could help you to see any red flags before you contemplate marriage. Reach out to our office and make an appointment with a trained relationship therapist today.

Photos:
“Happy Couple”, Courtesy of Becca Tapert, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Loving Couple”, Courtesy of Ave Calvar, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Holding Hands”, Courtesy of Joe Yates, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Online Couples Therapy: What Is It and What are the Benefits?

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Online couples therapy is a virtual counseling alternative that is conducted through a video conferencing service such as Zoom rather than in person. It enables you to meet face-to-face with a licensed mental health professional experienced in relationship counseling. You can use any device that has Internet access, such as your computer, smartphone, or tablet.

Sessions are very similar to traditional in-office counseling. You can see each other as you speak, and the counselor can view and interpret your facial expressions and body language. Studies indicate that in many cases online couples therapy can be just as beneficial as in-person counseling. If you’re looking for support Huntington Beach Christian Counseling is available to guide you through the process.

Benefits of online couples therapy

Convenient. In today’s busy world, booking an appointment for two people to consistently meet at the same time in the same place can be a real challenge. Online therapy sessions can be scheduled for when it’s most convenient for both of you and do not require any added travel time to and from.

Flexible. Scheduling and length of online counseling sessions can be more flexible than in-office visits, and you and your partner can log in from different locations. This makes it possible for you to attend sessions more regularly and consistently, which is key to the therapy’s effectiveness.

Easily accessible. Online therapy makes counseling accessible to people who are limited by a disability, housebound, or just stressed by driving or going out in public. Not having to leave the house may also make it easier to convince a reluctant spouse to participate.

Not limited by locality. Online therapy makes counseling available to people who live in remote or rural areas and have limited access to local therapists. Because geographical location is not an issue, it also enables people to maintain continuity while on vacation or a business trip and is a good option for couples in long-distance relationships. They can attend sessions together even when they are physically apart.

More natural environment. Online couples therapy enables the counselor to gain added insight into a couple’s home life. Observing them in their home environment allows the counselor to learn things about them that they might have missed in an office visit.

Eliminates social embarrassment. Access to therapy in the privacy of their home makes counseling an easier choice for couples who don’t want people to know they are having problems and/or who would otherwise avoid it due to concern about the stigma attached to mental health issues. With the availability of online couples therapy, they don’t have to visit a counselor’s office and risk being seen by someone they know.

Cost effective. Online counseling is typically less expensive. Therapists who have fewer overhead costs such as renting office space are often willing to offer affordable treatment options to couples not covered by health insurance. You also save on the cost of time and travel expenses by not having to leave your home.

Takes the pressure off. Access to online therapy eliminates burdens such as the stress of spending time in traffic, trying to carve time out of an overbooked schedule for the commute, erratic work schedules, and/or having to make childcare arrangements if you have children at home.

If you have questions or would like to set up an appointment with one of the Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling, please give us a call.

Resources:Kendra Cherry. “The Pros and Cons of Online Therapy.” Verywell Mind. Updated May 16, 2022. verywellmind.com/advantages-and-disadvantages-of-online-therapy-2795225.

Photos:
“Holding Hands”, Courtesy of Imam Muhaimin, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Looking Into Each Other’s Eyes”, Courtesy of Ryan Jacobson, Unsplash.com, CC0 License