3 Emotional Regulation Skills to Use When Negative Emotions Strike

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Children learn emotional regulation skills when they are young. Teachers and parents alert children when a negative emotion, such as anger or sadness, is out of control. If the child has difficulty regulating that emotion, the parent or teacher will institute a consequence to help the child calm down and discover healthy ways to react.

However, when people become adults, they have different accountability. What teachers and parents hope they teach well may become uncontrollable later in life. Little annoyances for an adult can explode into significant issues if left unchecked.

People must still use emotional regulation skills to respond to a situation appropriately, but only some have these skills. This can lead to inappropriate behavior, wreaking havoc on relationships.

3 Ways to Regulate Your Emotions

Here are three ways to regulate your emotions when damaging emotions strike:

Count quietly to gain emotional regulation

A teacher or parent may ask a child who is out of control with her emotions to count to ten. This is a strategy an anger management specialist might use with an adult who’s having difficulty regulating his anger.

It might seem strange for someone to begin counting to ten out loud during a fight with the spouse or for an angry person to use it during traffic. Counting silently to yourself when you feel your emotions bubbling over can be a great way to focus your attention, calm your mind, and control your emotions.

Counting can also help clear the mind of negative thoughts that may come out in language or other inappropriate ways. In some cases, more than counting to ten is required. The situation may cause them to have harmful anger or fear, which may cause them to count to a number much higher than ten.

Pick whatever number is appropriate until you can feel your emotions settle. The point is not to reach the goal of a certain number but rather to have a coping mechanism that you can use to regulate your emotions when you’re feeling rage bubbling over.

Pray for emotional regulation

Another excellent way to deal with negative emotions like fear or anger is to pray and ask God to help you control your emotions and respond with the fruits of the Spirit. Having the best, most appropriate response when conflict arises is always challenging. We know God always has a proper response.

Kindness or patience may be great alternatives to fear or anger in difficult situations. Sometimes, the Holy Spirit helps guide and direct us when we feel emotional and want to make an impulsive decision.

Calling on the Holy Spirit when a situation calls for it is good. However, praying about the problem or conflict with toxic people or situations is best before the crisis occurs. This will help curb the need to stop making impulsive decisions or decisions that would wreck a relationship.

Leave the situation

No matter how good our emotional regulation skills are, the other person with which we are embroiled in conflict may not share those same regulation skills. This lack of skills is especially true regarding a spouse or someone who knows us intimately. A person like this who wants to win an argument knows how to push your buttons to the point where you explode angrily.

Sometimes, an argument can drag on for so long that you get emotionally and physically exhausted, which inevitably causes an emotional explosion and a lack of regulation skills. If you’re not getting anywhere with someone and they’re not leaving you alone, it is best to leave the immediate situation. This is good for any situation that can become unexpectedly toxic.

If you can leave a situation when you feel you may say or do something you may regret later, this shows emotional maturity on your part. It is best to walk away despite what the other person may say, or you may have unresolved feelings from not resolving that situation. Walking away will save you unnecessary pain and additional feelings of anger, sadness, or grief if you say or do something that you later regret.

Although emotional regulation skills are taught at an early age, we need to continue utilizing those skills even into adulthood. Because so many people are angry today, it’s easy to allow negative emotions to explode and project them onto unnecessary victims.

With emotional regulation skills like the ones suggested above, you can come away from a situation feeling more at peace and have an opportunity to mend a relationship that, without emotional regulation skills, can be severed forever.

Christian Counseling for Emotional Regulation

If you need more help than you receive from the ideas in this article, seeking counseling may be the best step. The faith-based counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling in California can offer individual, couples, or family counseling for emotional regulation and the damaged relationships that a lack of regulation can cause. Contact our office today to learn more.

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Marriage: How Our Narrative Drives Our Experience

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Marriage is where our narrative drives our experience. The story we tell ourselves is not only the story we eventually believe, but one we influence others to believe as well. Marriages write a story about who we are and who our spouse is and we help write that narrative. It is important, then, to be discerning and protective over the narrative of your marriage.

Sarah fell in love with Greg. He was fun, spontaneous, light-hearted – just what her life needed. Little did she know how reckless that would seem later on. He was fun and light-hearted about everything. He never seemed to take finances seriously, despite her telling him how much it meant to her to be financially secure. He often fed the kids junk food while she worked hard to prepare nutritious meals.

He acted goofy and carefree in serious situations and when conflict arose, he was nowhere to be found. She couldn’t believe how untrustworthy he was. The other men in her life would never behave so carelessly. How could she have made such a terrible mistake in marrying this man?

He didn’t listen to her when she asked him to change. He didn’t care – he just kept doing whatever he wanted. She tried telling him over and over and he got mad at her! This was unbearable. Maybe it just couldn’t last. How could she live like this anymore? 

Most often, the story that is told is not the fullest or truest version. Whether the story is sugar-coated, created with rose-colored glasses (think, “love is blind”), or stripped of all goodness, it’s almost invariably biased. However, it’s the full story – the good mixed with the bad that will help couples build stronger relationships. This story – the one that sticks to the truth, both good and bad – will have the most positive impact on the couple and the individuals involved.

The impact of our narratives comes from what’s on the inside; the feelings and thoughts that drive our behavior. The range of effects can start with a simple lack of satisfaction with the relationship and lead to altering our behavior toward our spouse in one way or another (for example: hiding thoughts and feelings or conversely, acting outwardly upset with them).

What’s on the inside comes out: The Triad of Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors

Thoughts, feelings, and behaviors work together. So, if you are feeling and thinking one way, your behavior will reflect it in some way, even something as simple as the act of trying to hide your thoughts and feelings. Just the same, if you want to think differently about something stressful, you can choose a behavior that supports the thoughts and feelings you desire.

Thoughts

Our thoughts are indicated by our feelings and our behaviors. For example, if I am feeling happy and jumping up and down squealing, happy thoughts are typically there; or if I am active in what I enjoy and feeling good while doing it, my mind will be selective about thinking positive thoughts.

In the same way, our thoughts can influence our feelings and behaviors. If I am thinking about something stressful, I may be more tense/tight in my muscles, leading to a frown or a kink in my neck, and I may start to feel upset. This is also seen when our thoughts are focused on something as simple as a scary movie. We feel fear and become more jumpy.

Feelings

Our feelings are influenced by our thoughts and behaviors. Studies have shown that if I hold a pencil in my mouth, stretching my smile muscles, I can start to feel the release of happy chemicals. If I start to imagine I am in my happy place, I can start to feel relaxed.

Similarly, this can be seen when a person allows themself to think about times someone has wronged them. They will start to feel the weight of that wrong through sadness or anger and distance themselves from that person even in the middle of what was a good time together.

Feelings influence our thoughts and behaviors. If I am feeling sad, I may start to think that normal or fun things aren’t worth engaging in and may not get out of bed. Feeling angry can cause a failure to think about the future and consequently burn important bridges.

Behaviors

Behaviors are driven by our thoughts and feelings. When I am feeling nervous and thinking about a large crowd of people I am about to speak to, I may start to shake or bite my lip. If we are thinking positively about our spouse and feeling excited for them to come home, we will greet them with enthusiasm upon arrival or engage in special behavior based on those thoughts and feelings.

Behaviors influence thoughts and feelings as well. If I start to work out or jog, my mind clears and I feel more relaxed. As another example, if I do what is honorable and respectable, I can feel good about my behavior and think more steadily about my relationship.

Examining the Narrative We’ve Written

When one is not careful to examine the narrative they are holding about their marriage, challenging it through the careful examination of their heart and the Bible, they can bring about destructive patterns in their marriage that can ultimately lead to the destruction of their marriage.

Questions to Start With

So where does one start in examining the narrative they hold? Below are some helpful questions to ask oneself from Chris and Jamie Bailey of Expedition Marriage:

  • Is the story I’m telling myself true?
  • Is it the whole picture, or just one (my) side?
  • Have I left room for grace, communication, and understanding?
  • Is my perspective shaped more by past hurts than by what’s actually happening now?

Is the story I’m telling myself true?

This question lays an important foundation for checking facts against feelings and doing some work to gather details that may have been forgotten or otherwise skewed. If your feelings are driving a quick answer of “yes” try moving to ask if you’re 100% certain everything about your story is true.

Is it the whole picture, or just one (my) side?

Along with being certain everything in your narrative is 100% true, evaluating whether or not you are accounting for your spouse’s experience is important to paint the whole picture. This question challenges blame in the sense that it allows for owning your own part in whatever is working and whatever has not/is not working in your marriage.

This is akin to taking the plank out of your own eye first. Individuals have their commandments from God that do not depend on others to complete. They also have their own circle of control, so while we can write a narrative that implies our spouse has “made” us happy or miserable, it is important to explore both sides of the matter.

Have I left room for grace, communication, and understanding?

God instructs His children to be like Him in offering love, grace, mercy, being at peace with others as much as it depends on us, and forgiving others as He has loved us. Is your narrative placing you on the path of the “Unforgiving Servant” in Matthew 18? If so, you are on a path to destruction.

It is important to understand how a lack of grace, communication, and understanding can build bitterness which can destroy us. Allowing bitterness to grow throughout our narrative is going to hurt us, our relationship with our spouse, and our relationship with God.

Protecting the narrative we write about our marriage does not include sugarcoating the bad/ugly. It does not include glossing over it and hoping things will change. It includes the humble work of confession and prayer to God who is the changer of hearts.

If your narrative does not include room for grace, communication, and understanding, then your narrative may be keeping you from trusting God and following Him.

Is my perspective shaped more by past hurts than by what’s actually happening now?

The fact that we can craft a narrative means that we can edit and re-write our narrative. When asking this question, it is important to consider letting the past be the past and separating familiar feelings triggered by different events.

For example, one can feel safe and warm in their spouse’s arms when they first get married, building the narrative that when your husband holds you, he is loving you and keeping you safe. The same spouse may have become physically abusive and dangerous, yet all is forgiven as long as the message of the holding with a hug is communicated afterward.

I’m safer if I stay with this man, becomes the narrative. He loves me and doesn’t really want to hurt me. He’s sorry, the narrative builds. However, if we strip away our feelings and look at the situation, we can realize that differences between actions, behaviors, and intentions will tell a different story.

In the same way, when one spouse’s trust is broken, everything about the breaking of that trust is included in a new alert system. When their spouse is on their phone, they are doing something that will hurt them. If their spouse stays out too late, their spouse is untrustworthy. Because they are fighting over this issue, their relationship will never be okay.

Once you strip away the emotions, you can see whether you are simply being triggered by something familiar. The fight doesn’t equal the end of the relationship, because you and your spouse have more grace and can recover by resolving your differences. Phone use is normal and your spouse is more than willing to reiterate their love for you. Staying out too late may be part of normal involvement with this group/work/church/accountability partners/etc.

This question allows us to uncross the wires that were formed for survival once the crisis is over, allowing you and your spouse to change.

Getting Help To Sift Through The Narrative

Writing a true and full-scope narrative can be difficult when pain and emotions are involved. However, it is important for the sake of your marriage and future.

If you need someone to help walk you through these questions and to help write a strong narrative about your marriage, reach out to Orange County Christian Counseling on our website or at 949-281-3240 in the Southern California area. We are here to help.

Reference:
Expedition Marriage @ https://expeditionmarriage.org/
Photos:
“Handwritten Text”, Courtesy of Pixabay, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Sitting on the Road”, Courtesy of Peggy_Marco, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Spectacles”, Courtesy of Diana, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Typewriter”, Courtesy of Suzy Hazelwood, Pexels.com, CC0 License

A Helpful Mindset for Effective Group Therapy Sessions

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When people gather in groups, things tend to multiply. It’s like there’s a huge common pot, and as each person comes into the space, they put what they have into that pot, and it’s full before you know it. That’s one thing that makes the movie theater-going experience different from watching at home. Yes, other people can get annoying, but if you watch a movie with an amazing audience, it can enhance the experience tenfold. The same is true of group therapy.

Good things can happen in groups. In groups, we can multiply our talents, insights, skills, and capacity to be able to do more. However, groups can also be places where negative qualities get multiplied too. A quick look at the comment section of any video on the internet or at the kinds of conversations that take place in closed or private groups will reveal just how toxic these spaces and groups can be.

With that in mind, if you’re thinking about going for group therapy, is there a helpful mindset to go in with? Are there some things that will undermine the process of healing, not only for yourself but for others too?

A Brief Glimpse at Group Therapy

The term “group therapy” may or may not be familiar to you. Pop culture has probably done a lot of heavy lifting in promoting an idea of what group therapy is. Group therapy is an alternative and accompaniment to other forms of therapy like individual therapy sessions. In group therapy, a group of 5-15 people, are led by one or two therapists who guide the group in its discussions.

In group therapy in Huntington Beach, California, the therapists help to guide the discussion, keeping it on track and addressing salient points, as well as helping maintain a congenial atmosphere. Group sessions may meet once or twice a week for an hour each time. Much of the motive force behind the group lies in the group members themselves. Group members share their experiences dealing with certain issues, they address, challenge, and encourage one another.

In other words, for the group to function well, the group members must be willing to talk, share, and engage. Unlike individual therapy where the therapeutic alliance that helps lead to successful treatment is between the client and therapist, with group counseling, that therapeutic alliance is formed between the group members and their therapist(s). If group members aren’t invested in the process, it simply won’t work as well.

Part of what makes groups work well is their nature and composition. Some groups are closed, meaning that once sessions start, new members aren’t admitted. Some groups run for a limited time, while others have no fixed end date. These dynamics can shape how close group members feel toward one another, what they contribute, and how invested they feel in each other’s lives and successes.

A Helpful and Healthy Mindset

Group therapy is an organic thing – no two groups are the same, and a lot of that depends on who is in the group and what they are bringing to it. This doesn’t mean group therapy isn’t effective. On the contrary, it can be quite effective, especially for teens who are more likely to open up to other teens than an adult. Rather, it means the journey can be bumpy depending on the issues the group must contend with.

There are some qualities and characteristics that can greatly enhance the group therapy experience and others that can undermine it.

A helpful and healthy mindset to bring into group therapy might include the following:

Willingness to be open Group therapy works best when you’re willing to share. Sharing isn’t limited to talking about the issue that’s brought you to therapy. It also includes sharing strategies that have worked or failed to work for you in the past, and ideas that you are willing to try in the future.

Ability to grow All of us need growth in our lives. One of the outcomes of going for therapy is growth – you’ll be exposed to new and different people, diverse ideas and experiences about similar struggles, and more. Being able to grow means being able to jettison things that aren’t working and being willing to take criticism and other people’s ideas on board.

Willingness to listen One of the skills that group therapy draws out is your ability to listen to others. This is listening with empathy, not listening just long enough to create space to interject and offer advice. Others are also present seeking healing, and the space isn’t just about you.

Willingness to contribute Listening well, which can include asking clarifying questions, helps you contribute more meaningfully to the discussion. You can ask better-informed questions, add relevant commentary, and offer encouragement and valid critique where necessary. All this requires the basic desire to contribute to the wholeness and well-being of others.

Group therapy in Huntington Beach addresses a range of issues, including substance abuse and addiction, depression, anxiety, grief, and divorce, to name a few. Group members help each other on the path to wholeness, and the mindset you bring to the meetings can help or hinder that agenda. You don’t have to be the perfect group member to take part in or benefit from group therapy. Group therapy can help in the process of your own refinement.

Group Therapy in Huntington Beach, California

Regardless of the concerns or issues you may be struggling with; group therapy in Huntington Beach can be an integral part of your journey toward healing. Reach out to us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling in California to find out what groups are available to address your concerns.

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Steps to Prevent Others From Overstepping Boundaries

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Setting boundaries is how people guard their lives against unacceptable behaviors. If there are no boundaries in place, then others will not know how to respect your personal space. They will set the stage for the treatment that people are subjected to.

Clear boundaries can establish how a person takes care of themselves emotionally and spiritually. They cultivate the realization that it’s not about how people view others, but rather how satisfied a person is with their life. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling provides guidance on setting healthy boundaries, empowering individuals to build stronger relationships and live with greater peace and purpose.

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. – Proverbs 4:23, ESV

Boundaries do not have to be spoken for a person to have them. Every person has a level of discomfort and that is the reason for them. It is best to communicate them to reduce any problems with others overstepping them.

Types of Boundaries

Personal boundaries differ from professional. These typically reflect how a person interacts with others. Physical contact, personal space, and verbal interaction all are areas that may require them.

There are categories for the common types.

Physical boundaries help with protecting personal space. People who are not “touchy-feely” often refrain from hugging and may have them in place to keep others from getting too close physically.

Emotional boundaries protect emotional well-being.

Workplace boundaries help protect the ability to work without interference. Workplace boundaries are typically set as a reflection of how a person conducts themselves professionally. It is common for these to be established after there has been an issue.

Material boundaries help with protecting personal belongings. Allowing others to use personal items can be done with written instructions. The instructions make it clear what is expected when something is borrowed.

Time boundaries help with protecting the use of time. This kind can be challenging, due to the categories of time management that people fall into, such as being late or being early. It is not uncommon for these two categories to clash. Setting a boundary can help present a solution to the conflicts that arise because of the different views of time.

Sexual boundaries help protect our sexual needs and safety. These are often noted in new relationships. By communicating what is comfortable in this area a person can prevent any type of miscommunication about desires.

Boundaries can be set in a manner that allows them to be in place no matter where a person may be at any time. They are set for a variety of situations where engagement with others is likely to happen.

Setting Boundaries That Work

Boundaries serve to keep people mentally and emotionally healthy. Some can be confusing and misunderstood. It is important to remember that sometimes they need to be communicated clearly to reduce the chance of someone unintentionally crossing them Being intentional about setting them will reduce any chance of someone overstepping them.

There are a few simple steps to setting healthy boundaries that will keep personal space protected.

Identify personal limits

Sometimes a boundary isn’t known until there is an issue in that area. Identifying personal limits of what is acceptable helps create a healthy boundary.

Communicate the boundary

After deciding to set a specific boundary, it must be communicated.

Know what needs to be said

Communicating boundaries to other people means that a person must understand what they want to convey to others. Learning what to say and how to say it can reduce miscommunication or misunderstanding.

There is no need for apologies or explanations

People commonly feel the need to explain why they have boundaries or apologize for setting them. It is perfectly acceptable to say “no” in a kind way without any type of explanation.

Be consistent

Setting a boundary is useless if there is no consistency. To prevent others from overstepping them it is vital to stand firm with the decision to set it. This reduces the chance that others will disrespect it.

Next Steps

There are times when people need boundaries. Knowing why they need to be set and how to set them can help create healthy relationships with people in your life. The first step is to identify what you consider to be healthy ones for you. Once that has been decided you can start the process of clarifying and communicating them.

To better understand why you need them and how to set them, the counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help. With the right faith-based plan, your counselor in Huntington Beach can help you create healthy ones that will work for you and those around you. Call our office today at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling in California for more information or to make an appointment.

References:

https://psychcentral.com/relationships/what-are-personal-boundaries-how-do-i-get-some#takeaway

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-to-help-a-friend/201711/why-is-it-important-to-have-personal-boundaries

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-addiction-connection/202210/5-steps-to-creating-and-maintaining-healthy-boundaries

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“Crashing Waves”, Courtesy of Frank van Hulst, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Exhaustion and Grief: Finding Support in Huntington Beach

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Grief can be a confusing and isolating experience. Your emotions and experiences in grief might feel so alien and unusual that you might wonder if there is something wrong with you. Many people feel this way, and many need to have extra grace for themselves. Not only is grief confusing, but it is exhausting in many different ways. In this article, we’ll look at the interplay between exhaustion and grief.

Exhaustion and Grief: How They’re Related

Drained From the Inside

Exhaustion is a natural aspect of grief because it engages all the facets of who you are. Not only will you experience intense, conflicting emotions, but you will have to figure out many different practicalities that feel at odds with your emotional rollercoaster. Having to arrange finances or travel details while also processing your emotions is exhausting. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling offers compassionate support to help you navigate grief while managing both the emotional and practical challenges that come with it.

Many people need to hear that it’s okay to feel a certain way or to struggle with certain things while grieving. Exhaustion is just one aspect of grief, but it affects people in many different ways for different reasons. As you navigate grief, consider the ways that you might be feeling exhausted, and have some grace and patience for yourself.

Emotional Exhaustion

Some people do not consider themselves to be emotional people, but even they will be confronted with a wave of emotions in grief. Not only are these emotions powerful, but they are persistent. Grief doesn’t pass after a funeral or after a good therapy session. You might have to process a cocktail of conflicting emotions for months and even years while grieving.

One of the most difficult aspects of grief is that it offers no closure. People crave completion, wholeness, and neatness, but in grief, emotions are messy and unpredictable, and closure can be hard to find. You might have emotions that don’t blend well together, like anger and sadness or resentment and gratitude. The sheer weight of all these emotions and their unusual behaviors is exhausting, even for those who usually consider themselves level-headed.

Mental and Logistical Exhaustion

Life doesn’t spare you the space or time to grieve as needed. Many people feel numbed in grief but have to plan, organize, and think their way through things. Funerals need planning, guests need hosting, belongings and properties need to be dealt with, and in the midst of it all, you have to figure out what you are feeling and what to do with those feelings.

All the logistics and planning can be a helpful distraction, and the matter-of-fact aspect of organizing things helps you to accept reality and grieve as you should. However, it is also draining. If you don’t have friends and family members to help with these things, you will benefit from taking an hour each day to sit, breathe, and feel.

Spiritual Exhaustion

There is perhaps no other time in life where you will examine and question your beliefs quite like when you are grieving. People often feel like their foundations have been shaken or even crumbled in the aftermath of loss and tragedy, and it often feels like there is no definitive answer to your deepest questions.

If you do end up confiding in someone trustworthy about your doubts, anger, or fears, you might find their easy answer frustrating and unhelpful. No one mentions how spiritually exhausting grief can be, especially when it causes you to question your worldview.

In biblical times, people would often grieve together for weeks on end, and the cultural expression of prolonged grief was silence. Friends would meet with mourners, stay in their homes, and simply sit with them until they were ready to talk. This comforting silence is what most people need when grieving because sometimes all you need is the quiet comfort of a friend holding space with you.

Physical Exhaustion

If simple, everyday tasks are becoming more difficult to complete and you are always tired no matter how much sleep you are getting, it could be a sign that grief is taking a physical toll on you. We often think of grief as being a mental and emotional experience, but we also experience grief within our bodies. Grief is a physical experience as much as it is mental, emotional, and spiritual.

Grief Counseling in Huntington Beach

Grieving can also be a lonely experience. Sometimes, you just want to be with someone who “gets it.” It might help you to meet with a Christian counselor in Huntington Beach, California. Your counselor will give you space to be yourself and to leave your burdens at the door, even if only for an hour or so. Contact us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling if counseling is something you would like to learn more about.

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“Frosted Stinging Nettles”, Courtesy of Stephan H., Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Anxiety Relief Through Dance

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The benefits of dance are widely known. Not only is dance a social activity, but it also provides an outlet for exercise and creativity. But have you ever considered using dance to manage your anxiety?

Anxiety can thrive in sedentary places. While relaxing and sitting in a quiet space is necessary and good for short periods of time, those prone to anxiety (especially those who also have ADHD) may find their minds becoming bored and looking for stimulation. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling offers guidance and strategies to help individuals manage anxiety through healthy movement and mindfulness practices.

Unfortunately, the brain often finds its “rush” in dwelling in dramatic, catastrophic “what ifs” which can cause anxiety. In these cases, it’s best to get up and move your body and dance is a great way to do this.

Spiritual Benefits:

The Bible tells us that David danced before the Lord with all his might and so can you. Use your whole body to express your love for the Lord and your gratitude to Him. This mindset of gratitude will help you develop a closer walk with the Lord and just might bring you relief from your anxiety.

Social Aspects:

Of course, you can dance by yourself, but dancing with others can be a whole lot more fun. Whether you’re dancing with your spouse in your living room, with friends at a party, or with a crowd at a club, the social connection can be nurturing to your soul and stimulating to your mind.

Social dancing also provides an opportunity for physical touch and tactile experience (holding hands, touching the fabric of your partner’s clothes), which can be soothing to your anxious mind.

Exercise:

A healthy body will function more efficiently than one in poor health. Dancing provides a good cardio workout and may help your body increase flexibility and stamina. Overall good health can help reduce episodes of anxiety and dance can reduce cortisol, the natural stress hormone.

Creativity:

All dance can be considered an art form but if you really want to unleash your creativity, and the benefits of creative processes on anxiety reduction, try making up your own moves. Creativity provides a kick of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that is linked to reward and pleasure and creative dance is a great way to stimulate it.

Concentration:

Concentrating on something new can help distract your brain from the thought cycle that is causing your anxiety. Learning a new dance involves concentration and can be a helpful coping strategy against anxiety.

Multi-Sensory Experience:

Studies have shown that giving multiple senses something to fixate on can help distract your brain away from your anxiety. Dance engages your sense of hearing as you listen to the music and dance instructor, your sense of sight as you take in the environment and watch others dance and your sense of touch as you interact with your partner.

Talking with a Therapist About Dance for Anxiety Relief

Exercise and creativity that come from engaging in dance are beneficial for your physical and mental health, but it can’t replace talking with a licensed therapist. If you’re struggling with anxiety and looking for anxiety relief, seek advice from a Christian counselor in Huntington Beach, California.

God created you as a multi-faceted and complex human which means that one method of anxiety management may not be enough to bring you peace. Unpacking your thoughts and emotions with a professional mental health specialist in Huntington Beach who shares your faith can lead you to a multi-method approach to help bring you to a place of mental and spiritual well-being. Contact us today at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling in California.

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6 Common Symptoms of Depression in Men You Should Know

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The symptoms of depression in men take many forms, which may not be the same as the symptoms in women. You may not be aware that you are depressed but feel that something is “off.” As many as six million suffer in the US with depression each year. Often, their symptoms go unnoticed, or they refuse treatment.

Do not be one of the millions. Do not be a statistic. Seek help for your symptoms of depression as soon as possible.

Symptoms of Depression in Men to Know

Wondering what might be wrong? Feeling out of sorts lately? Perhaps you have something on your mind worrying you, but you do not feel like it’s depression because it’s not accompanied by the persistent sadness you have read about in articles like this one.

Not all symptoms of depression in men affect everyone the same. Some of these symptoms can seem unrelated, but a counselor can help determine if what you are experiencing is true depression. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling provides professional support to help men identify and manage depression in a compassionate, faith-based setting.

The following is a list of common symptoms of depression in men.

Irritability, Anger, or Mood Swings

Men who are depressed may not realize that is the problem, and often, depression itself is a symptom of a much larger issue or unresolved conflict. This can present itself as anger, irritability, or mood swings. Do you find yourself irritable over minor offenses? Are your loved one’s pet peeves bothering you more than usual?

Headaches

Headaches, stomachaches, and unexplained body aches could be a symptom of depression in men. Anxiety and worry cause tension, which can lead to headaches and digestive issues. Heartburn and acid reflux could result from excess stress. Talk with your physician about the best treatment plan for headaches, body aches, and stomach pain in combination with your depression treatment plan.

Appetite Changes

If you reach for food when you are not hungry or forget to eat meals, you may be struggling with another depression symptom. Depression can impact ghrelin and leptin, the hunger hormones. Suddenly, you may think you are hungry when you have just eaten or you may go for several hours without food because you do not feel hungry.

Weight Changes

Due to the changes in hunger hormones and behavior regarding food, your weight may rapidly increase or decrease. You may see a drastic change in the scale or the fit of your clothes. Rapid weight changes could also be the symptom of a physical issue, so check with your physician to rule out any medical conditions.

Escapist Behaviors

Men are more likely to turn to escapist behaviors while depressed compared to women. Escapist behaviors can include playing video games for much longer than is normal, abusing substances, or watching pornography. These behaviors are a way to escape from the current reality.

Suicidal Thoughts

Depression can affect sleep and the ability to concentrate on tasks. These symptoms compounded can lead to suicidal thoughts. If you are thinking about harming yourself, reach out immediately for help.

Getting Help for Depression in Huntington Beach

Do you recognize any of the above symptoms of depression in men? Do you or someone you love struggle with depression? Contact us today at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to schedule an appointment with a Christian counselor in Huntington Beach, California.

You do not have to suffer. We can help by connecting you with a counselor in Huntington Beach who specializes in depression symptoms. Get started today by calling the number on this site or filling out an online contact form.

Photo:
“Alpine Lake”, Courtesy of Jonny Gios, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Help for Toxic Couples Through Christian Couples Counseling

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There is no such thing as the perfect couple. However, some couples have a healthy and flourishing relationship with a dysfunctional dynamic. Every relationship will have its issues and sticking points, and the couple will have problems that stem from their circumstances as well as how they respond to them. The question is whether the couple and their relationship can be called “toxic.”

What is a toxic relationship?

One of the words that has made the rounds online and in daily conversation is “toxic.” The word was once more commonly used to talk about byproducts from chemical or manufacturing plants, and it referred to waste and other materials that could cause death. Now, the word is often used to describe certain patterns of behavior that are problematic, and perhaps even dangerous.

As a person looks at their own life, they may not see themselves or what they say and do as toxic. Some of this is due to a lack of self-awareness, and some of it may be due to the human proclivity toward self-deception (Jeremiah 17:9). It’s possible to see and know your own bad habits, but to minimize them and their impact on other people. This makes it hard to acknowledge harmful or toxic behavior. If you’re struggling with this, Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help.

To describe a relationship as toxic doesn’t mean that every facet of it is deeply problematic and needs to be jettisoned entirely. Instead, it means that behavior patterns in the relationship hinder and undermine flourishing. It’s important to recognize that it’s not just one-off incidents, but patterns of behavior. This means one or both partners act in a certain problematic way more often than not.

Some Examples of Toxic Behaviors

Here are some examples of the kinds of behavior that are harmful or that undermine flourishing in a relationship. It’s important to remember that the greatest commandments are for us to love God with our whole heart, and to love one another the way we love ourselves (Matthew 22:34-40). The Bible then describes what that kind of love looks like – a consistent desire for and self-sacrifice for the good of the other person (1 Corinthians 13).

A relationship can and should be a place where people are loved. That means it’s a place where each partner sacrifices their own way, doesn’t demand to use their own understanding as the basis for decisions, and forgives over and over again.

A loving relationship is a place where each is seen, heard, given room to grow, supported in becoming who the Lord intends them to be, kept accountable to what is true and right and good, and where godly character flourishes. Some examples of toxic or harmful behaviors and attitudes that undermine these things include the following:

Constant conflict

Every relationship will have some conflict. When two people with different personalities and outlooks come together, there will be differences of opinion, and those can turn into conflict. Conflict may provide a couple with room to express themselves, their values, and their needs. At the end of conflict, the couple can have a better understanding of each other, and how to effectively meet felt needs.

If, on the other hand, a couple is constantly embroiled in conflict, and they don’t resolve their conflicts, then it’s problematic. Constant conflict and unresolved conflict undermine the couples’ relationship and sense of fulfillment. It may also point to deeper issues such as unwillingness to compromise, or poor communication.

Avoiding conflict

The other side of the conflict pendulum is a couple avoiding conflict. It can be an issue if one or both partners are walking on eggshells with each other, hesitating to bring up concerns because it’ll ruffle feathers, or leaving conflict situations unresolved instead of talking things through. Conflict may be unpleasant, but it may allow a couple to address issues, and, paradoxically, for them to draw closer together.

Avoiding conflict leaves issues unaddressed, leading to frustration and increasing resentment. It can also result in dwindling trust and a widening emotional gap between partners. Instead of de-escalating things, avoiding conflict allows issues to simmer in the background until they boil over.

Anger issues

Your partner is bound to do things that will drive you up the wall. You’ll get angry with each other. That’s different from anger issues, which occur when anger is present in your daily interactions, and gets expressed in unhealthy ways like shouting, swearing, hitting, throwing or breaking things, making threats, being sarcastic, giving the silent treatment, or engaging in self-harm. Another way to define anger issues is contempt.

Anger is a powerful emotion, one which often erupts when a boundary has been violated or we feel unsafe in some way. It’s not always meant to be bottled up, nor is it meant to be expressed in volatile and violent ways that harm others or us. Instead, when it is appropriate to express, it can and should be expressed calmly, assertively, and clearly.

Abuse

When you’re dealing with another person, you’re dealing with a fearfully and wonderfully made, beautiful image of our creator and Lord (Genesis 1:26-28; Psalms 139:14; James 3:9-10). That means there are appropriate and dignifying ways of treating and relating to such beings.

It also means there are inappropriate and undignified ways of relating to them. Due to the dynamics in relationships where there is active unwanted touch and sometimes other forms of abuse, couples counseling is not appropriate as it is not a safe relationship to restore one’s trust, and it isn’t fair to either one of the individuals.

Dishonesty

The truth is important in any relationship. It’s not always easy to say or hear the truth, but a relationship without truth has no foundation. A pattern of dishonesty, whether regarding the use of time, finances, who they’re spending time with, or what they truly think or feel, is problematic for a relationship.

There are many other ways in which a relationship can be toxic, including selfishness, lack of accountability, lack of empathy for one another, sabotaging one another’s efforts, withholding support or emotional availability, neglecting each other’s basic needs, or avoiding responsibilities in and around the home. These and other things can undermine the health of a relationship.

Help For Toxic Couples

What can you do if you’re in a toxic relationship? The answer depends on how toxic the relationship is and whether you both want to do something about it. A relationship can be so toxic that it’s a threat to life and limb, and a person’s well-being. In such cases, utilizing individual treatment is a more appropriate start to allow for both individuals to be heard and supported.

The only way a toxic relationship gets fixed is if both parties are committed to working at it. It requires awareness that the relationship is toxic and that both parties recognize that they aren’t honoring each other. You can seek help from a Christian couples counselor who can help you understand the unhealthy dynamics in your relationship. They can also work with you to improve communication, problem solving, and respect for each other.

Through Christian couples counseling, you can learn constructive ways of communicating and resolving conflict, learn how to hear each other and carve out space for one another, how to hold yourselves and each other accountable, and become more aware of how you and your partner best feel loved, so your felt needs are met. A toxic relationship can be turned around; your relationship can find a new life. Reach out for help today. A Christian couples counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you identify unhealthy dynamics and work toward better communication, problem-solving, and mutual respect.

Photos:
“Fingers Crossed”, Courtesy of tswedensky, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Conversations”, Courtesy of wal-172619, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Argument”, Courtesy of RyanMcGuire, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Stubborn”, Courtesy of Tumisu, Pexels.com, CC0 License

10 Things That Help You Handle Life

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Life is a beautifully challenging thing to walk through. Some moments feel great, and you manage them easily, and other moments are more challenging. In challenging moments, it is easy to let other people’s ideas shape how you respond.

When you were growing up it could have been a simple comment like “Don’t cry,” from a parent after you had a hard day. Today, it may be something more complex like feeling guilty for taking a break when you have so much to do. It is common to accept these ideas as healthy and normal, but they can result in feelings of shame when you are dealing with things in your life.

Instead of accepting these ideas, we can choose to look at how our responses and feelings can benefit us in our circumstances. You don’t necessarily have to feel ashamed for experiencing different feelings or responses, especially when things feel hard already. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you process these emotions in a healthy way.

While you may have had people tell you differently, you don’t have to feel ashamed for processing life in your own way. Here are ten things you may not have to feel ashamed for:

  1. Asking for help  We have developed a fiercely independent culture, especially when it comes to needing help. Instead of relying on others, we try to do things on our own. This is often neither beneficial nor biblical.

Galatians reminds us to “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2, ESV) We are to support one another. Additionally, we are to come to God when we need help. “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” (James 1:5, ESV)

  1. Taking time to be alone  While it is often good to seek help from others, it is also okay to need time away from other people. We need to balance community and time alone, especially when we use that time alone to seek God.

Every person is created with unique needs and a capacity for time with others and time alone. This is true in daily life, exciting seasons, and tough times. Ask God to show you what you need.

  1. Self-care  While the idea of self-care has become a bit of a buzzword in modern culture and on social media, the reality is that many people do not pursue it. When people do take time for self-care, they can sometimes feel guilty or try to do things that seem like self-care but don’t truly fill them up.

Instead, you can choose to take care of yourself in a healthy way. Ask God what you need most and do that. It’s okay if it looks different from what your friend or family member needs. God wants you to take good care of yourself because He loves you.

  1. Crying  As in the earlier example, some people feel ashamed for crying. This can be because of things people have said, because of societal norms, or simply because it makes them self-conscious. Crying doesn’t need to be looked at this way. Instead, crying can be seen as a natural release of emotion.

Emotional tears also contain more mood-regulating manganese than the other types. Stress “tightens muscles and heightens tension, so when you cry you release some of that,” Sideroff says. “[Crying] activates the parasympathetic nervous system and restores the body to a state of balance.” – Serusha Govender

  1. Feeling things  Like tears, some people are taught that feelings are unsafe, unacceptable, or bad. If you grew up in a situation where feelings were never expressed, it may seem foreign to do so. Conversely, if you grew up in a situation where expressing feelings caused increased tension or violence, you may have learned to keep feelings hidden.

Unfortunately, this approach typically makes things worse. Feelings may be either good or bad, depending on the situation. Identifying them and allowing them space can help diffuse them and help you evaluate them. A counselor can help you with this. It is a learning experience, and you can find help to express, identify, and process righteous feelings without shame.

  1. Recognize joy in hard times  When you are going through a difficult time, it may feel odd to find joy. For example, if you recently lost your job, it could seem strange to some people that you find joy in the extra time you have to go for a walk during the day.

Another common example is when walking through grief. Sometimes people experience times of joy, even as they face the loss of someone they cared about. This can be disturbing for some people, but it is nothing to be ashamed of. Instead, you can see how you can carry both hard things and joyful things at the same time.

Even James reminds us of the importance of joy in tough times: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” (James 1:2, NIV) You can navigate joy amid your hardship.

  1. Resting   It is no surprise we live in a busy world full of things we need to do. In our achievement-based culture, we often neglect to take adequate time to rest. This doesn’t just mean sleep, although that can be part of it.

We need time to rest, to take a break from whatever situation or hardship we are facing. Even though some will try to tell us to keep going, to get more done, to stay busy, sometimes the very thing we need most is a break. You do not have to feel shame for making time to rest.

Whether it is in the middle of the day, an hour after you wake up, or in the evening, you can rest if it is what you need.

  1. Feeling weak  In a world that sees weakness as something to be fixed, it can be hard to think of it as something to embrace. The truth is, we are all weak. No matter how much we try to prove that we are strong, the Bible is clear: we are all weak and Jesus is our strength.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. – 2 Corinthians 12:9, ESV

  1. Setting and maintaining boundaries   Many of us have lived in situations where boundaries were not welcome. We had people in our lives that overshadowed any sense of personal comfort we may have or disregarded our preferences. This can make it difficult for us to feel comfortable setting and maintaining boundaries.

As you walk through life, you do not need to feel any sense of shame for setting boundaries. It is healthy and wise to recognize your boundaries and find respectful ways to communicate those. If that is difficult for you, a counselor can help you identify them and find ways to kindly share them. They can also offer accountability for maintaining your boundaries with others.

  1. Being angry  Just as with any feeling, anger is not always something to be ashamed of. It is a feeling that everyone has experienced, even Jesus. Often, we have experienced situations that try to downplay or eliminate anger because it is uncomfortable or expressed poorly.

Instead of pretending anger isn’t there, you can learn to be angry in healthy, productive ways. Anger, however, may be sinful or righteous – it is not simply a feeling. If you struggle with sinful anger, there is help across the spectrum from identifying anger to anger management.

Finding the support you need

As you learn about these healthier approaches to handling life, you may find that you need support in ways to accept them, how to implement them, or ways to remove the shame associated with them. There is help available.

A Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling  can help you with this process. Contact our office today to learn more.

Sources:

https://www.instagram.com/p/CsjAaSfuquM/

https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/is-crying-good-for-you#:~:text=Emotional%20tears%20also%20contain%20more,to%20a%20state%20of%20balance.%22

Photo:
“Train Rail”, Courtesy of Unsplash, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Holiday Stress: Five Ways to Find Peace

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Holiday stress is the number one complaint that summarizes every trigger for it: large crowds, extended family gatherings, financial strain, and maxed-out schedules.

You’ve got kids now, and each of the grandparents has called to ask about your plans for the holiday. Stress doesn’t begin to show until the school sends home its shorter day schedule for the week and your boss hasn’t approved your time off. You’ve got deadlines and are juggling between the normal day-to-day obligations and the extra pizazz the holidays call for. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you find balance during the holiday season.

Work has a potluck sign-up in the break room. The school requests volunteers for their annual Winter Festival. Church has the annual tea coming up, and then there are two potlucks and a canned food drive to attend. The kids want to go ice skating, There’s the tree lighting, the parades, three Christmas parties, and someone decides to celebrate their child’s birthday in December.

This doesn’t even compare to the dread you feel about gathering with them again this year. To call last year a disaster would be putting it lightly. You don’t know how you’re going to make it through one more meal with them after all that happened last year during the annual holiday gathering.

Or maybe you’re single. Your life seems to have a lot going on, but people look at you differently this time of year. During the holiday season, everyday things you enjoy suddenly become holiday stress. You’re thrown questions like, “Still working there, eh? When are you going to settle down?” “Ok, when am I going to get some grandbabies?”

You are volunteered to be in charge of things (because everyone else is busy with their own family) and cut out of things because “it’s a family thing, really just for the kids.” Even work treats you differently, expecting you’ll somehow be less serious (everyone just assumes you’ll not be interested and can’t cook) and overly committed at the same time (taking advantage of your fewer obligations to book you through the heavy holiday rush and overtime hours).

Then there’s your family gatherings, if you decide to go this year. You aren’t sure where you belong, not fitting in with the kids or the adults. Everyone is getting older, and life just feels sad/uncomfortable around them.

What if there was a way to find heavenly peace whether or not the night is silent? How can we prep for the holiday stress and not be overwhelmed by it this year? Below are five ways you can seek a peaceful holiday season no matter how full, or empty, your calendar is.

Five Ways To Find Peace Amid The Stress Of The Holidays

Number One: Worship

My number one peacebuilder for the holiday season is to spend time each day in worship.

Spending time in worship is a key way to connect with God in heaven who is the maker of and giver of peace. Thank Him for who He is, His salvation, and His presence. Focus on a new attribute of God and a new promise of God each day or find one of each to be this year’s holiday season message for your heart to stir up praise all season long.

Seek Him first this holiday season and rest in His presence as you worship the God Almighty who offered salvation through His son. Remember that He has done great things for you, and He knows all levels of stress, fear, grief, disappointment, and anger.

Spend time each day in worship, multiple times a day. Refresh your mind with the attributes and promises and experience the peace of God wash over you, protecting your mind and heart from the holiday stress.

Number two: Add time for both sleep and movement

Sleep is important in stress reduction efforts because it resets the body and renews the mind. The holiday rush can provide ample opportunity to forgo sleep. I want to encourage you to resist this where possible! Put sleep back on the priority list during these next few months.

Another thing about the winter season, some people take to their beds all the more. While sleep can be great for stress reduction and overall health, it is not to be overdone. Trying to move your body each day for 20-40 minutes in an energy-exerting way can effectively reduce stress levels and increase happy chemicals.

Number three: Link hydration with prayer

Believe it or not, dehydration is not only easily developed, but it is also detrimental to your ability to function in multiple ways-including stress management. In as little as thirty minutes in the hot sun, one can become dehydrated.

Translate that to a hectic season while bundled up and you’ve got similar results. It can be difficult to know you’re dehydrated because you might not notice at first. A good rule of thumb is to know that if you are thirsty, you’re already dehydrated.

Drinking lots of water all at once is not the answer though. Taking in small portions throughout the day works best. This helps you avoid an over-full bladder and making tons of trips to the bathroom, too.

When you consider drinking small amounts of water throughout the day, you can add in prayer at the same time and link them together in your mind. This way, you can pray throughout the day while you hydrate – two birds with one stone! It creates a built-in system for you to not only refresh your body but to refresh your mind and spirit as well.

Prayer helps create peace by allowing you to pour out your stress into God’s hands, sense His presence, and keep your mind focused on His kingdom. Praying throughout the holiday season will help you build peace and avoid the burnout the holiday stress can create.

Number four: Spend five minutes deep breathing

Spending time in busy places or all alone can induce different types of stress. Physical activity can reduce our mental stress. Studies have shown that deep, belly breathing (in other words, taking the time to inhale fully and exhale fully) signals the body to relax.

Most stress changes your breathing immediately. It can speed up your breathing or stop it. Whether you are experiencing stress triggers happening around you or the stress is mounting from your thoughts, taking a breath can impact it for the better.

Studies have also shown that deep breathing for five minutes (yes, set the timer) can lower your stress hormones for up to four hours afterward. So, whether you’ve got a meal to go through or you are just looking to finally get some sleep, take the five minutes before you start and set yourself up for a peaceful time.

Number five: Reach out and connect

Holidays are about getting together with others. For many, that is part of what is so stressful about them. You could be stressing about not having someone to meet up with this year or about having tension with someone who will be around. Either way, an important way for you to access God’s peace is to keep connected with His Church. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can support you during this time.

Holiday stress, no matter what time, can be managed positively with help and support. This is true for all of life. We’ve already talked about reaching out through prayer and connecting with God, so this tip is specifically focusing on people.

So, don’t know who to reach out to? Consider someone who might fit any or all of these:

  • They will pray for you.
  • They can point you to Christ.
  • They will check in on you.
  • They will keep you accountable.
  • They can make you laugh.
  • They will listen, whether or not they agree with you.

One other option is reaching out to a Christian counselor who can provide a space for you to talk through the grief, anger, and/or anything else that is hindering your peace this holiday season. This article presented just five ways to find peace. Therapists and counselors can work with you to search for ways to best support you during this time. Check out Orange County Christian Counseling for more information.

Photos:
“Mountaintop Meditation”, Courtesy of kalyanayahaluwo, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Pouring the Wine”, Courtesy of elle_kh, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Walking the Dog”, Courtesy of willea26, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Finishing Touches”, Courtesy of Arun Kuchibhotla, Unsplash.com, CC0 License