5 Simple Ways to Show Love to People with ADHD

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There is a lot to learn about love languages in any relationship, and this is especially true for relationships involving people with ADHD. Neurodiverse people operate on a different spectrum from everyone else. The things that you think are trivial and take for granted are often bigger, more complex issues for those with ADHD.

The more you learn about their neurodevelopmental disorder, the more you will be able to love and support them practically. The smallest action could have the biggest impact, and there are five simple ways to show love to people with ADHD.

How to Show Love to People with ADHD

You may have heard about the love languages that are quality time, touch, gifts, words of affirmation, and acts of service. They are a useful guide to how best to love certain individuals, and apply well to most relationships. However, whether it is romantic, familial, or platonic love, those with ADHD often speak a slightly different love language than most other people.

ADHD is a disorder that affects a person’s brain development. This affects the way they think, communicate, and perceive the world. Everyone with ADHD has unique traits, but similarly, the ADHD community has many common struggles and experiences.

They might not be able to articulate much of their perspective, and many people are diagnosed later in life. Learning more about ADHD, and particularly how best to love those with ADHD, will help both you and them have a more harmonious connection. Here are five ways you can do that:

Be present with them as they work

When neurotypical people complete a task, no matter how trivial or important it is, they receive a small amount of dopamine each time, making them feel satisfied. People with ADHD do not get dopamine in this way at all, and even the smallest of tasks feels unbearably boring and draining for them to do.

Along with having a dopamine deficit, those with ADHD have time blindness, meaning they cannot accurately gauge how long an activity has taken or will take. A five-minute chore to them might feel as if it’s taking hours to perform. A practical and loving way to help them is to simply sit with them as they work, even if you are focusing on your own activity and not directly engaging with them.

This concept is called body doubling, and it’s effective for neurodiverse people in a couple of different ways. Firstly, many people with ADHD are delighted and comforted when you sit with them as they work because they enjoy your company, but also because it holds them accountable in a non-threatening way.

Secondly, they tend to struggle to lock in and focus, or they become hyperfocused, making even a simple activity feel intense and draining. When you sit with them, even silently, they can better balance their focus and see the task through to its conclusion. Besides all of this, they retain their autonomy by working on the activity themselves, not relying on you to do it for them.

Celebrate small achievements

The habits that you perform every day, such as showering, brushing your teeth, and responding to emails, might seem trivial to you, but they are often hurdles that those with ADHD struggle to overcome. Even the smallest of tasks requires more focus and energy than you might realize. They might be distracted from completing activities that feel unstimulating or become overly intense about what they are doing, even if the stakes are low.

Try commending them any time you see them completing a task. It might be making the bed in the morning, drinking water, or finishing their homework assignments. When you realize how difficult it is for them to be consistent with the small things, your praise will be sincere.

Even though they derived no dopamine from the chore, they will likely feel good about having their achievements recognized and celebrated. This is true no matter how small they seemed. You might get bonus points for having a brief dance party with them as part of the celebration!

Prioritize spontaneity

People with ADHD need routine and structure to be productive, but they thrive on creativity and spontaneous fun. When you notice that their mood is flatter than usual, or if they seem exhausted and despondent, try suggesting a break in routine with something random to perk them up.

If you’re fresh out of ideas or exhausted, ask them what they feel like doing in that moment. Even if it’s impractical, expensive, or does not appeal to you in the moment, try going along with their suggestion. At least, you will begin to understand how they get recharged, and that is valuable information for any loved one.

If you do not love spontaneity yourself, try to keep a few secret ideas stashed away to surprise them with. You could prepare a secret picnic basket and keep it ready for a surprise road trip, for example. Or you might buy tickets for a concert, and keep the secret until the last minute.

The point is that spontaneous surprises will mean the world to your ADHD loved one, even if it’s taken a lot of planning on your part. There is always a compromise to be made when you are speaking someone else’s love language.

Hear them out when they are excited about something

There will come a time, or perhaps there will be many times in a week, when your ADHD loved one will get excited about something that sounds completely ridiculous or implausible to you.

For example, they might talk about doing some outrageous home renovations, or suggest a holiday that is out of your budget and that would require months of planning. Instead of immediately shutting them down or dismissing what you feel is a silly idea, try hearing them out.

The average person with ADHD has had to face more rejection, resistance, and dismissals than most neurotypicals will face in their entire lives. Related to this, most of those with ADHD have rejection-sensitivity disorder, meaning that they often feel crippling shame and guilt related to things they perceive as rejection.

The simple act of hearing them out, particularly when they are excited or in a hyper-focused mood, will mean more to them than you could imagine. The mood will pass, and you can revisit any ideas and apply logic to them later. The loving thing to do is to validate them by simply paying attention when they fantasize about something, and not bursting their bubble.

Provide regular reminders about things they often forget about

Your ADHD loved ones will frequently forget things and often feel terrible about it afterward. Don’t take it personally when they remember something work-related but forget about your birthday, for example. They have likely put a lot of effort into trying to remember the work-related thing to the point of forgetting about everything else.

If they have irked you or upset you with their forgetfulness, try letting go of your frustration and instead practice reminding them about the important things. Their forgetfulness isn’t personal, and your efforts to remind them of things can mean a lot to your relationship.

Try to be direct about your reminders. You might think that they will catch the hint if you circle a date on a calendar, allowing them to make a mental note of it. This might work in the moment, but it’s almost a guarantee that the information will be lost before an hour is up.

Instead, say something like, “Do you remember what tomorrow is?” and give them time to think about it. This is not a test of their loyalty, but rather as a way of ensuring you are both on the same page regarding important dates and events.

No one gets it right all the time, and relationships can get messy and frustrating, even without neurodiversity. If you need some extra support in your relationship or just somewhere to offload your concerns, consider meeting with a counselor. You can chat with someone who is well-versed in ADHD struggles and hear from their perspective. Contact us if this is something you are interested in.

Photo:
“Reading Together”, Courtesy of Toa Heftiba, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; 

Healing from Body Shame

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Many people struggle with body image issues. “Body image is a combination of the thoughts and feelings that you have about your body.” In a UK study from 2019, it showed that “one in five adults (20%) felt shame, just over one-third (34%) felt down or low, and 19% felt disgusted because of their body image in the last year.”

Body image issues can lead to other significant mental health problems, such as eating disorders, depression, suicidal ideation, and anxiety disorders. Body image and body shame are a bit different, because people can have a healthy or positive body image. Body shame is a newer term, and it’s different from body-shaming, which is making fun of someone or mistreating them because of some flaw (real or perceived) on their body.

Body shame is treating yourself that way – feeling and believing your body isn’t good for whatever reason and mistreating yourself because of that. Mistreating it could look like extreme diet and exercise, talking badly about it, having eating disorders, excessive plastic or corrective surgeries, problematic drug or alcohol use, engaging in high-risk sexual activity, hiding your body, or not giving it what it needs for health.

Body shame could originate from several things. Past trauma (especially sexual), but also emotional and physical abuse, can lead to debilitating body shame. Being bullied or teased as a child and young adult and being compared to others with different body types, can cause it. Constant social media or pictures of celebrities with “ideal” body types, perpetual and unwanted singleness, or a lot of unwanted romantic or sexual attention can also lead to body shame.

This is an issue with which so many struggle, and they are scared to talk about it. But it’s possible to begin healing from body shame, to begin seeing your body as good, no matter what it looks like. This article will only scratch the surface, and professional counseling may be the best route to work through all of it, but these are some steps to heal from body shame.

Healing from Body Shame

As you work through these steps, jot your feelings and thoughts down in a notebook. If you decide to get counseling for body shame, this notebook will help facilitate discussions between you and your counselor.

Create a timeline of the history of body shame

When was the first time you felt shame about your body or being in your own skin? Write out every single moment that stands out from childhood until now, every moment that you felt like you hated or despised your body. Think about the reason what that experience meant to you. Was it abusive in any way? Was it traumatic? Name everything that comes to mind.

Think about how you were hurt/ what you felt then

As you do this, with each memory, consider what you felt in that moment. Di you feel confusion, shame, embarrassment, loneliness, sadness, or anger? What did you feel then and what do you feel now as you remember? How was this situation hurtful? What was so hurtful about it?

What did you believe then

Next, think about what you believed then about the situation, the other people involved, and your body. This could have been the result of something someone said or how they acted toward you, but what belief began to take root? Were there any times you believed positive things about your body? When was that and what was that like?

What do you believe now

What do you believe now? Do you believe any of those negative things about your body today? Why or why not? Do you believe any positive things? What are those positive things? What do you like and dislike about your body? Name it all, no matter how difficult this may be. It’s important to be completely honest with yourself about it because honesty and vulnerability are ways people can heal from any type of shame.

Center on truth

Just because you think it doesn’t make it true, and just because someone said it to you or about you doesn’t make it true. What is true is that your body is good. When God made man and woman, he said they were good. That doesn’t just include their souls. It means everything, body and soul. It’s possible to begin believing your body is good, no matter its state or how it looks.

Truth doesn’t ignore the unhealthy things, though. If your body is unhealthy in any way, it’s important to recognize this truth and not ignore it. But you don’t want to slip into extreme mistreatment of your body because of negative thoughts and feelings. You want to center on the truth that your body is good.

Work toward forgiveness of those who’ve hurt you

It’s never okay to mistreat someone because of their body shape, size, or anything about their appearance. This is body-shaming and often abusive. Most of the time, it’s because of something someone did or said to you that led you to feel shame about your body. You’ve been able to identify what it was that hurt you most.

Now it’s time to move toward forgiveness. They might not have ever apologized for the wrong they did to you and may never. But holding that hurt and anger toward them will only hurt you more. It’s time to be free of the hold they have on you. Spend time practicing forgiveness.

Write out “I forgive _________ for ____________” in your journal, then speak each one out loud. It may take months or years to forgive repeatedly, but it’s an important step in your healing.

Move toward acceptance and healthy self-care

Self-acceptance and self-compassion are the highest goals here, because compassion is another way to break through shame. Spend some time treating your body as though it were good. Write positive affirmations on your mirror. Keep those same affirmations around your home or where you see them often. Tell them to yourself over and over again. Look in full-length mirrors at yourself and smile at yourself in the mirror.

Buy (and wear) clothes that flatter your body. Take good care of your body by eating healthy and exercising regularly. Prioritize rest. Moderate your alcohol consumption and don’t misuse substances. The goal here is not to be military-like, obsessive, or even shallow with yourself, but to treat your body as if it were good. What would it mean for you to accept the fact that your body is good and for you to treat it that way?

Set boundaries with people who continue to mistreat you

This may be one of the hardest steps because you’ll have to confront people. It’s only worth it to do this with people whom you want to remain in your life. You can share with them how you felt (or feel) when they said or did (or present tense) whatever hurts you and leads you to feel shame about your body. “I feel ____ when you _____.” Or “please stop saying ______ about my body. I don’t like it, and it makes me feel ______.” Or “I’m choosing to believe the best about myself.”

If they are presently saying negative things about your body, it will be up to you to stand up for yourself. This is a way of treating your body like it’s good. Consider what boundary you’d like to put in place. For example, never talk about physical appearance with a specific person or not shopping with that person. It could be that you decide to only talk positively about your body and others’ bodies around that person.

Whatever your boundary, you’ll need to communicate it to the one who keeps hurting you. If that person continues to disrespect the boundaries you have in place, you may choose to spend less time with them altogether. They aren’t proving to be safe people, and it’s difficult to heal from body shame with unsafe people in your life. Meeting with a counselor can help you know how to set boundaries with others to protect yourself from further shame.

Body shame doesn’t have to ruin your life. You can fight back. You can heal and believe your body is good, and you can treat it like it’s good, too. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help from a compassionate counselor so you can fully heal from body shame.

References:
https://nedc.com.au/eating-disorders/eating-disorders-explained/body-image/
https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/publications/body-image-report/exec-summary#:~:text=New%20body%20image%20statistics,-New%20online%20surveys&text=One%20in%20five%20adults%20(20,image%20in%20the%20last%20year.

Photos:
“Woman on the Beach”, Courtesy of Dan Torres, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Woman on the Beach”, Courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Woman on the Beach”, Courtesy of Darko Trajkovic, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Uprooting Bitterness as a Christian

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As Christians, we are called to uproot bitterness. It isn’t an easy task, but it is an important one. To take on Christlikeness, we need to steer clear of a mindset of hatred and other sins. We also need to adopt a grateful heart that recognizes our position with God and honors Him. Bitterness has the potential to interfere with one’s mindset and heart for God.

What Bitterness Is Like

I’ve been patient for years. When is it his turn to have some patience? Doesn’t my husband understand I’m only human? Why can’t he stop what he’s doing long enough to take care of my needs for once? 

I can’t believe we are back here again. Why do I even have to ask? It’s basic decency to help around our own house. Taking out the trash is the least of the things he can do. Why can’t he just do it? Why does it have to come with an attitude? Don’t make me ask then! Take it out already!

All she does is nag me. How’s anyone supposed to take that? If she doesn’t want me to yell at her, then why won’t she shut up? All I want is for her to show me some kind of love and to stop bringing up things that make me angry. It’s like, why can’t she leave it alone? 

The above examples are all temptations to and/or displays of active bitterness. When bitterness takes over, it makes it all about what the other person must do to make us feel better. It quickly runs the show and breeds hatred and stubbornness. At its core, bitterness is self-idolizing. In other words, it’s selfish.

Who is the problem?

Without uprooting bitterness, as Christians, we take on the mindset of the world. A self-idolizing one that excludes God and promotes disobedience. “She’s the problem” quickly turns into, “I’m not God, only He would put up with something so long.”

Thinking such things ignores the wisdom of the following Bible passages:

  • Matthew 5:48
  • Matthew 16:24
  • Mark 8:34
  • Luke 9:23
  • Leviticus 11:44-45
  • Leviticus 19:2
  • Leviticus 20:7
  • Leviticus 20:26
  • Matthew 5:48
  • Hebrews 12:14
  • 1 Thessalonians 4:7
  • 2 Corinthians 7:1
  • Ephesians 1:4
  • Romans 12:1
  • Romans 6-7
  • 1 John 3:3
  • Isaiah 35:8
  • Isaiah 57:15

All these scriptures point to our God wanting His children to be holy like Him. The encouraging news is, He who calls us enables us. For as Romans argues, what did Jesus die for but for us to stop living in sin? Bitterness allows us to ignore these scriptural teachings and adopt our own deceptive thinking.

Bitterness calls us to demand our own way and serve ourselves as masters. Jesus warned us that “one cannot serve two masters.” If this isn’t a case for uprooting bitterness, I’m not sure what is.

So, for those of you who are still reading and convinced bitterness must go, let me now shift to how we can uproot bitterness as Christians. Becoming Christlike involves denying ourselves. In order to uproot bitterness, we need to start by recognizing it. Bitterness starts in the earliest stages of grumbling and complaining. Raising a complaint against someone has its place, but it is not something that God takes lightly.

God’s Measuring Tape

One trigger for bitterness (our own as well as what we provoke others) is judging without God’s measuring tape. We are called to use judgment so that we and others are drawn back to Christ.

To make sure our judgments are according to God’s measuring tape, and not our own, we need to use the Bible to see if our judgments match God’s or if we are adding to the requirements God has already set.

A sign that your judgments may be outside of God’s is if you are assigning time. Our timing often doesn’t match God’s, nor does our patience. So, if you’re tempted to expect something in a specific time, you must check that with God’s Word to see if it’s His judgment or your own at play. Setting ourselves up with godly expectations reduces opportunities for bitterness all around.

Squashing grumbles/complaints

Squashing grumbling and complaining is where uprooting bitterness as a Christian has to start. At least it needs to be given priority.

Grumbling and complaining are not only bad for the spirit, but they are an offense to God. In addition, grumbling and complaining don’t just breed bitterness; they are the beginning of wrath (i.e., explosive anger) and cruelty.

A way to squash grumbling and complaining is to catch them happening and replace them with any mix of the following:

  • A deep breath
  • Gratitude
  • Honorable thoughts
  • Beautiful Thoughts
  • Thoughts of something worthy of praise
  • Positive song
  • Dance movement
  • A Hug
  • Stretching
  • Change of task
  • Change of rooms
  • Drink of water
  • Bite of something pleasant
  • Telling someone something positive
  • Smile
  • Pet a pet
  • Exercise move (squat, push-up, etc.)
  • Extended eye contact
  • Quick little positive moments to replace quick little negative ones.

This helps to train your brain to develop a more positive way of coping with the negative that’s making you grumble.

How the Fear of the Lord Helps Christians Uproot Bitterness

If the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, then it is the best starting point for working anything out. There is ample wisdom that comes from the fear of the Lord in relation to uprooting bitterness.

Remember who God is

Remembering who God is reminds us that it is He from whom our help comes, who is the ultimate judge, and to whom we are accountable. When it comes to uprooting bitterness as a Christian, taking time to remember God for who He is decreases our overall stress and humbles us at the same time.

Remember who we are

Remembering who we are in relation to God also helps us maintain humility. Remembering that we are not the judge of all the earth, nor are we perfect, and we have little room to judge, helps to prevent bitterness from growing.

Remember who we are in Christ

Because of Christ, the Christian is set free. We are cleansed by His blood and forgiven. Salvation is the prize set before us. When we focus on this, we can replace our grumblings with gratitude.

The soul’s focus also applies to the other person. As a brother or sister in Christ, they are running the race with you, chosen by the same God. As an unbeliever, they are a soul over whom Jesus is the judge, and His judgment is perfect.

In any situation, remembering who we are in Christ can lift the spirit and spur us on to good works; thus, the uprooting of bitterness takes place.

Not easy, but worth it

Uprooting bitterness is not easy, but it is worth it. While one could argue that a lack of bitterness is simply a good thing, what really makes uprooting bitterness so worthwhile is the strengthening of our relationships.

Our relationships with one another, with strangers and family, and with God impact our lives. The health of these relationships determines whether that impact is positive or negative, and uprooting the illness helps lessen the negative impact all around.

If uprooting bitterness does not lead to a healthier relationship between you and someone else because things still need to be worked on, it will still help you relate to the world with more peace in your heart and a cleaner standing with God.

If you are struggling with bitterness or any other type of anger and are finding it difficult to manage, reach out to our reception team to schedule an appointment with me or one of the other counselors in our association.

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“Bedroom Tiff”, Courtesy of sasint, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Three Crosses”, Courtesy of geralt, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Mother and Daughters”, Courtesy of Pixabay, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

Weight of the World: Exercising Self-Compassion with Weight Issues

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For many years, managing weight issues has focused on getting smaller as the primary goal. In a society that emphasizes appearance, we attach feelings of worth and attractiveness to our weight. In the process of reaching for an ideal derived from an unrealistic, outside standard, we injure ourselves.

Dieting that depletes and exercising to exhaustion are not the only culprits. The battle begins in our minds when we use shame to punish ourselves for enjoying food or belittle ourselves when we do not work out. This mindset hinders us from moving toward the goal we desire. The result is we accumulate more baggage internally and additional weight externally.

We are pulled into perpetuating cycles of shame and regret. We cause physical damage to ourselves by denying essential nutrition or overworking our bodies to compensate for our choices. Instead of celebrating wins and receiving compassion, we trap ourselves in behavior patterns that internalize shame and sometimes project it onto others.

Unpacking Weight Issues: Practical and Spiritual Insight

Our appearance may not always reflect the inputs made in our weight loss journey. Every metabolism differs. We must pay attention to other measures such as blood pressure and glucose levels which may offer a snapshot that differs from our preferred clothing size.

Our medical teams may support us by establishing healthy and realistic goals, based on the information gathered. They may also share relevant insight about the combination of exercise, eating practices, and medical interventions that work for where we are in life.

Physical health is important. Weight issues are known to exacerbate many preventable ailments. However, weight alone is not the only significant indicator of one’s health status. Consult with your healthcare providers to better understand your particular body.

When the focus is on the negative, we lose sight of the positive aspects of navigating weight issues. We forget or perhaps never considered that we can enjoy the journey of learning to eat well and exercise without judgment and penalty. Moving toward better health requires a mindset change, choosing to embrace the benefits beyond appearance.

Movement promotes comprehensive rewards, not only the result of modifying our appearance, but also in the process that affects us internally through healthy esteem, reduced stress, better heart rate, increased energy level, and improved sleep quality.

When we couple movement with fresh perspective, we elevate its impact. For example, when we work out with a friend, we receive the benefit of shared time, encouragement, and accountability that transforms healthy habits into a lifestyle.

With God, our workout upgrades routine exercise into a worship experience that nurtures the spirit while recharging the body. When it comes to weight issues, exercise plays a role in our resilience and builds us up physically, while multiplying benefits for our mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

Getting to the Root

Weight often accumulates as a result of a deeper issue. When we use food to cope and comfort unresolved pain, we hide and shield ourselves from the One who can heal. As with many addictions, we cover ourselves with the substance or focus of our craving to then cloak in shame, not wanting to be seen.

This reminds us of the Garden where Adam and Eve sinned against God. Their choice grieved them and God, forcing them into the shadows instead of bringing their hearts into the light with Him. We repeat those errors, born out of ignorance and our own volition. These heart matters require a natural and spiritual resolution.

Self-compassion is where we begin to heal the natural and spiritual. Part of this includes treating ourselves as God does. He does not punish us for a missed workout or insult us for additional portions, but rather releases kindness to redeem what is lost and move us forward in hope and strength.

The lord appeared to us in the past, saying: “i have loved you with an everlasting love; i have drawn you with unfailing kindness. – Jeremiah 31:3, NIV

The Worth Factor

Where does this hateful attitude originate? It comes from the accuser who overwhelms us. He prompts us to seek solace with foods that offer temporary comfort. Then, he blames us, needling us with harmful thoughts. If this is not how God treats us, why do we tolerate it?

We wrongly believe that we deserve it and punish ourselves as a result. As the accuser, the enemy wants to berate us and thwart our progress. When we indulge negative thoughts, feelings, and actions, we sabotage our own journey. What is left for the enemy to do if he has persuaded us to align with his mission to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10)? We do that when we speak punitively to and about ourselves.

If we want to shift the way we manage weight issues, we must come into agreement with what will propel us forward in triumph with God.

Three Agreements for Change

Agree to see yourself the way God sees you. The Word of God is a mirror. Choose to perceive yourself through the eternal lens, thinking and speaking about yourself in the same way as God. Begin with the Bible’s truth to discover His heart for you and include this in your self-talk, as you read scripture aloud and affirm it over yourself.

Whether you have wrestled with weight issues as a result of health circumstances, life changes, or as long as you can remember, it does not matter. Your identity remains as one who is created with unique purpose (Ephesians 2:10).

Agree to let your food be your medicine, not your drug. There is a difference. Allow its macro and micronutrients to heal and answer your body’s hunger and need. Use food to gratify an appetite, not to fill a void. Do not allow shame attached to weight and addiction issues to taunt you or stuff your pain in secret. One of the first steps is to partner with God to receive His compassion and reset our self-concept with His Word.

We can cultivate enjoyment of the flavors and textures of food that God has placed in the earth (1 Timothy 6:17). Healthy lifestyle information may be readily available through classes, friends and family, websites, support groups, or cookbooks. These resources demonstrate and inspire us to blend creativity and fun into fresh approaches that feeds and move us from the inside out.

We can invite God and others into an experience that pleases our palates and mutually fills. Satisfaction emerges to not only savor our food experience, but also, to offer moments with God and memories with those He is placed in our lives.

Agree to embrace the future and hope that is yours in Christ. You can create experiences with cooking, eating, and movement without fashioning an idol out of food or our weight issues.

Whether you have lost, gained, or maintained weight, where you are is not your end. You are more than a collection of successes, failures, and attempts. God has your future on His mind (Jeremiah 29:11). What you have gained or lost is a plot twist in your evolving story with Him.

Carving a New Path

Burdens of shame can sometimes lead to overeating, secret binging. and hoarding that causes us to squirrel food, indulge in private, and then feel guilty for it. It robs us of what is rightfully ours as kingdom sons and daughters. Jesus wants us to bring our heaviness (Matthew 11:28-30). He loves us into the light, drawing out of shame’s looming shadows. He wants to exchange our weight issues for His empowering grace and joy.

The process of working through our weight issues is essential. More than reaching a goal weight, we learn how to think creatively with God, not only about our food but also about movement. We go deeper into our hearts where we face the lies and limit the beliefs that have burdened us. Following the Holy Spirit into the path carved by our weight issues, we can invite God into our isolation to heal pain and fill our heart hunger with His righteousness, peace, and joy.

Next Steps

As with many difficult journeys, we were not meant to shoulder the weight without help. Between Christ, community, and wise counsel, God has furnished us with what we need to overcome and endure. Reach out today to contact a therapist through our site. You will find someone to support you with the compassion and grace to release weight issues you were never intended to carry alone.

Photos:
“Loving Heart”, Courtesy of Giulia Bertelli, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Praying”, Courtesy of Naassom Azevedo, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Walking Down the Road”, Courtesy of Emma Simpson, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Healthy Breakfast”, Courtesy of Vitalii Pavlyshynets, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

What is EMDR Therapy? How It Can Help

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Trauma affects people differently. Some people are affected in such a way that they need extensive treatment for their mental health issues. Traumatic situations can create memories that cause people to have a variety of mental issues such as PTSD. One type of therapy that is becoming more widely used is eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy, or EMDR.

This method of therapy for trauma revolves around eye movements as you process memories of traumatic experiences. The main goal of this treatment is to help you heal from those experiences and move toward better mental health. The most helpful aspect of EMDR is that it is based on the body rather than just talking about the problem. This can be helpful for those who are affected by PTSD, panic disorders, depression, and anxiety.

How does EMDR help with PTSD?

To understand how EMDR can help PTSD, you need to understand what PTSD is and how it affects people. PTSD is one of the most common mental health issues related to trauma. There are thousands of people who deal with post-traumatic stress disorder each day.

PTSD was at one time associated with combat veterans but has been expanded to include those who have experienced a serious event such as rape, terrorist act, sex trafficking, natural disaster, or serious accident and injury.

Those who suffer from PTSD usually show signs of having flashbacks and may seem detached from people. They do not want to be around any situation or person that may remind them of the traumatic event.

To overcome these feelings and behaviors, those with PTSD may engage in therapy with a counselor who is trained to understand PTSD and its effects. In addition to these therapies, medication can also be prescribed to control some of the core symptoms of PTSD.

Treatment with EMDR

For those who suffer from PTSD, treatment using EMDR is not like most treatment plans. There is no requirement to talk about the details of the traumatic event. Other therapies involve discussion of details and the event which can be extremely difficult in some instances. EMDR therapy is often shorter than other therapy plans.

By using mechanisms through the nervous system, PTSD sufferers can experience healing through EMDR by having memories desensitized. This is done by allowing the brain to relearn to orient in a way that the mind will understand that the event has passed.

To help the brain relearn, the sufferer is taught how to use reasoning to think about the events in a more positive way. Also, EMDR allows for the visual intensity of the event to be lessened. Using a process called “rest and digest” the body can begin to get a sense of healing from PTSD.

How does EMDR help with anxiety and depression?

Even though it is not one of the most prominent treatments for anxiety and depression, EMDR is growing in its use for those who suffer from debilitating anxiety. Much the same for PTSD, EMDR helps anxiety/depression sufferers recognize how to find a positive reaction to memories using eye movements. As there is no requirement for talking during the EMDR session, it seems less invasive to the person who suffers from anxiety or depression.

By learning to shift away from the thoughts that trigger anxiety, the sufferer can experience calmness through more positive thinking. A good EMDR therapist can help walk you through the process of understanding how to remove yourself from the place of anxiety to a more serene thought process.

In treating depression, EMDR will help the sufferer replace negative thoughts or beliefs with positive affirmations. By learning to visually focus on something positive the person suffering from anxiety will be able to replace the negative trigger with a more calming thought.

The Process of EMDR Sessions

Understanding the process of the EMDR sessions can also help answer the question, “What is EMDR?” The first step is to discuss whether or not you are going to be emotionally strong enough to handle working through the traumatic memories. This will be done with your therapist so you can be given skills to manage the emotions that may arise. This is done by sharing your background with your therapist.

The next part of the EMDR session involves creating a plan that will lead you through the trauma and its different aspects. You and your therapist will discuss which part or event you will work through first. You will discuss how the event has affected your life mentally and physically.

The final step of the sessions is to begin using eye movements as you talk about the memory. This is done by the therapist who will use a finger or other object to have you look from side to side. There have also been instances where headphones and sounds are used. There is no right or wrong answer when you are engaged in EMDR. You let your mind travel through its thoughts and make any connections needed.

What is the controversy about EMDR?

What is EMDR is the simple question. What is the controversy is the more difficult question. While there is not one specific reason for controversy, the biggest one seems to be that there is a lack of knowledge surrounding the true benefits of EMDR.

The concern is about the side effects that may include heightened emotional sensitivity, headaches, and vivid dreams. Should any of the effects be experienced it is important to discuss them with your therapist so that they can help you adjust the treatment sessions.

Additionally, there are concerns that there is no evidence to show that a person is healed from the trauma, but rather they become disassociated from the trauma. Some believe there can be a negative effect and that EMDR can worsen the issues.

How effective is EMDR?

The effectiveness of EMDR is still undergoing study. Most of the studies show that there is a relief of emotional stress in those who have undergone EMDR. It has also been noted that there could be some relief of muscle pain due to tension from episodes of anxiety and that EMDR can be effective in treating most symptoms of PTSD, depression, anxiety, and even substance abuse disorders.

Biblical Aspects of EMDR

While the Bible has no answers to the question of what is EMDR, it can be used as a guide to help create a faith-based treatment plan using EMDR. God did not intend for us to remain broken from traumatic experiences.

In a cruel world that is filled with sin bad things happen. God never intended for us to experience the bad things that cause us to have PTSD. But He knew that with the combination of the world and our sinful nature we would experience things that break us and beat us down.

Learning to understand how God sees us when we are suffering from these things can help us begin to see the positive side that EMDR leads us to. Understanding how God created us and how He wants to heal us is important. This, in combination with EMDR, can greatly benefit those who are suffering from mental issues related to traumatic experiences.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18, NASB

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. – Psalm 147:3, NASB

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. – Romans 15:13, NASB

Peace I leave you, My peace I give you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, nor fearful. – John 14:27, NASB

Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary. – Isaiah 40:31, NASB

Next Steps

If you would like to find out more information about EMDR and if it is the right treatment for you, contact a therapist near you to discuss your options.

Photos:
“AI Generated Image”, Courtesy of Open_Arms_Initiative, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Counseling Session”, Courtesy of Cottonbro, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Holding Hands”, Courtesy of Sơn Bờm, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Boy in Hoodie”, Courtesy of cottonbro studio, Pexels.com, CC0 License

Viewing Family Counseling as Rhythm Rather Than Rehab

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Depending on how you grew up, it’s easy to see family counseling as a quick fix, a solution to a series of problems, or even a shameful experience. However, what if you could view it as a rhythm instead of a rehab project?

Unpacking Your View of Family Counseling

If you look at your perspective as a suitcase, you can compare it to when you arrive home after traveling. The way you unpack usually relates to a few factors:

  • Your time
  • Your values
  • Your priorities
  • Your awareness

Your Time

Spending fifteen minutes unpacking your bag is what a frequent traveler does. You probably packed your bag for home strategically; you washed laundry before leaving, or you packed dirty clothes in a separate bag. Your toiletries are neatly organized, as are your books, laptop, etc.

Someone who doesn’t travel much may just throw everything into the same bag. When they get home, they have to sort it, figure out what’s dirty and what’s clean, and walk from one room to the next to put things away. It can be a process that takes longer.

The same can be said of a person who grew up with strong time factors in their family of origin. If time were viewed as a commodity in your household, you might have been in a rush to get to school, carrying a full calendar of responsibilities and involvements. Your parents may have both worked, or perhaps you were raised in a single-parent household where time was tight.

When you grow up with a tight timeline, one of the impacts can be a lack of investment in emotional and mental margin.

Your family may have focused on basics such as everyday needs, jobs, food, and household chores. You might have, knowingly or unknowingly, been coached to not pay as much attention to your internal world. If something negative popped up, it could easily be swept aside for the more pragmatic demands on your time.

If your household and family spent time investing in emotional and mental wellness, it might be that your parents went to counseling, took time to exercise, read, or set aside time in the calendar to include refreshment and retreats. While it will look different in all families, this tendency to separate downtime is important when it comes to how you view family counseling. It might mean you see it as a value.

Your Values

Your values can impact how you unpack after a trip. If you value jumping back into the routine, unpacking may be first on your list. You want to get back to daily business, which is easier if everything is in its place.

But if you struggle with routine and you naturally value adventure and experiences more, the act of unpacking is embedded with a host of emotions and, possibly, even a hesitance to rejoin regular life. You could be avoiding the old to-do list, ready to plan the next vacation, or struggling with resentment about something you’d rather not return to now that you’re back from your trip.

The same is true of our values. What we value directly influences how we spend our time, and how we spend our time reflects what we value.

Just because you haven’t put an appointment on the calendar to see a counselor doesn’t mean you don’t value family counseling. When it comes to mental wellness for the entire family, there could be a host of different obstacles.

It might be that you, a concerned parent, value counseling that keeps the family communicating well. But maybe your spouse isn’t on the same page or one of your children doesn’t see the need for it.

To cling to something as a value, it has to carry purpose and meaning for the value holder.

Speaking about a set of business values, a lack of meaning is like the smoke that signals there’s a fire, according to author Patrick M. Lencioni, who wrote “Make Your Values Mean Something” in a July 2002 Harvard Business Review article. He wrote about corporate value statements often being hollow precisely because they do not carry weight with those who work at the company, which he says is a shame.

But they don’t have to be void of significance.

“Values can set a company apart from the competition by clarifying its identity and serving as a rallying point for employees. But coming up with strong values – and sticking to them – requires real guts,” he writes.

When you apply this clarification to a family unit, it’s similar; just because one family member places significance on family counseling, it does not mean everyone else will. Instead, finding common values that hit the core of each family member is the way forward.

For example, if every person in your family places importance on physical activity and health, it will show in each person’s time management. Does your spouse knock off work early on Fridays to play half a round of golf? Will your daughter eat just about any vegetable you put in front of her so that she finishes dinner quickly and gets to gymnastics early to perfect her routine?

Compile those priorities with your commitment to meet your friend to walk each week and your son’s commitment to head to the gym each morning, and you have a true core value. A core value is something that is intrinsically held dear; nobody has to convince you to do it because it’s a concern, activity, or belief that you are convinced of already.

So, how do you transform a family that doesn’t wholeheartedly embrace family counseling as a value?

Start by exploring what each person values

A famous quote and parenting meme, originally coined by Catherine M. Wallace, says, “If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”

This is great advice when you are trying to decipher what your kids value. Ask them why something matters to them and then listen.

Look at how you and your spouse spend your time

Often, our values go unspoken. We place value on activities, relationships, and material goods without even realizing it until we look at where our time goes. If you spend two hours cooking a gourmet meal each weekend but doing laundry always seems avoidable, it shows that you likely value a home-cooked meal more than freshly folded clothes.

The same holds true for your spouse. Ask him why he does what he does or spends his time the way he spends it. It’s a great way to learn something new about your partner.

Ask yourself what you really want out of life

Go beyond the bucket list. Instead of writing down ten things you want to try before you die, ask yourself what you’d regret not spending your time on if you knew you had mere months left to live.

This kind of black-and-white question has a way of trimming the superfluous pursuits in life and making what matters stand out.

After all of this, you might feel it’s over the top just to get to family counseling.

However, if you and your spouse and/or kids attend family counseling with only your buy-in, it may not go as far as you think it will. But if you can tie it to one of the values you each already hold in life, you’re starting from a good place.

For example, if you discover that everyone in our family values a household that is calm and harmonious, where everyone is free to be who they truly are, that’s a great reason to make family counseling a rhythm. Talking about issues before they become major obstacles is a wonderful way to keep small conflicts from becoming big ones.

Your Priorities

Once you’ve figured out how your family values relate to family counseling, it’s time to look at the family priorities. Priorities are different from values; they are what get pushed to the proverbial front of the line.

If your teenage son says he values his independence, but he has yet to study or take his learner’s permit test, it just means his priorities do not hold the same weight as his values. He may value independence, but until he makes learning how to drive a priority, his freedom will suffer, and his value will go unpracticed.

Your Awareness

Finally, pay attention to what you pay attention to. In other words, awareness is a large contributor to family counseling. The good news is that our awareness, like our time, values, and priorities, can be shaped and transformed over time.

Family counseling gives you the perspective to help you become more aware of how you feel and how your family members are doing. This breeds more awareness and creates a rhythm so that family counseling isn’t a Band-Aid to fix a problem. It’s a way of life that helps your family interact better together.

To find a place where your family can grow in family counseling, contact our office today.

Photos:
“Injury”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Counseling Session”, Courtesy of Hrant Khachatryan, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Overwhelmed”, Courtesy of Nik Shuliahin, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Signs of Anger Issues to Be Wary of

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Anger is one of those emotions that seems big, bold, brash, and hard to hide. That’s because in a lot of instances, when people feel and express their anger, that’s the form it takes. There are endless stories about anger gone wrong, whether at a family gathering like a wedding, Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or dustups between perfect strangers at a local buffet, restaurant, gas station, or parking lot. The internet sometimes seems to run on anger.

With anger so prominent in everyday situations, you’d think we’d be better at identifying it in ourselves and dealing effectively with it. There are sometimes subtle signs of anger that we either don’t take to be anger or that we ignore for various reasons. Detecting anger issues in your life can help to save your relationships and promote your well-being.

Where Anger Issues Come from

What exactly are anger issues? Being angry and expressing that anger doesn’t necessarily mean that you have anger issues. When a person has anger issues, it means that they struggle to control their anger, and that loss of control often has negative consequences in their life, some of them small, but some of them big. Anger has a dominating presence in that person’s life.

If you don’t work on any anger issues you may have, that can affect all areas of your life, including your work, your relationships, and your health. While anger issues are quite destructive, they can also feel like a normal part of one’s life, especially when they are part of longstanding patterns.

Some of the work of undoing anger issues is rooted in understanding where anger issues come from. This differs from person to person, as anger issues can stem from a combination of biological, psychological, and environmental factors, as these interact with the individual’s personality and temperament.

Anger issues may have a biological component. Some inherited traits and one’s temperament may contribute to anger issues. Experiencing changes or fluctuations in your hormone levels, such as your testosterone or cortisol levels, can influence your anger. Lastly, having imbalances in your brain chemistry can also affect whether and how you regulate your mood well.

Psychological factors such as mental health conditions, experiences of childhood trauma, and stress or frustration can all contribute to feelings of anger. Health conditions such as anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder can all have increased levels of anger and irritability as symptoms.

In terms of environmental factors that might play a role in anger, your family dynamics and upbringing can shape your behavior, including how you understand and relate to your anger. If you’re exposed to violence and anger, or the cultural and social norms you’re immersed in navigate anger in unhelpful ways, it can also contribute to anger issues. Anger may also become a problem if you find yourself in difficult life circumstances that trigger anger.

Apart from these main factors, other things that can trigger anger issues include struggling with medical issues like chronic pain or thyroid disorders, substance abuse, or sleep deprivation. These and other factors may lie under a problem with anger.

How Anger Can Upend Your Life

When you get angry, there is no telling where it’ll take you if you let it. Some things are good servants and poor masters, and anger is one of those things. Anger can upend your life in significant ways.

Along with this goes the idea, “Be angry and do not sin.” As a person who has come under the leadership of Christ and the support of the Spirit, anger is not essentially bad but can become so when not controlled and given the reins to steer your choices. Anger, in controlled usage, can draw attention to wrongdoing and urge the wrongdoers to change their ways (i.e., a picked-on person saying “you need to stop spitting spit wads at me because that is not okay”).

Anger in uncontrolled, sinful form can seek to attack, humiliate, or damage the wrongdoers and end situations altogether (i.e., a picked-on kid (or bully) punching or damaging or humiliating the other person).

Some of the ways unbridled anger can be disruptive in your life include:

Damaging relationships When you don’t manage your anger well, it can lead to frequent and deep conflict with the people in your life. Angry outbursts can strain relationships with others, and you may say things in anger that you later regret. If you’re an angry person, people may walk on eggshells around you or avoid you altogether, leading to social isolation.

Affecting your work life Anger can result in conflict with clients, coworkers, or supervisors, which may result in job loss. If it doesn’t get that far, anger can still impair your judgment by impairing your decision-making and problem-solving skills, impacting job performance. Unmanaged anger may also lead to accidents, injuries, and reckless behavior on the job, which endangers you and other people.

Impact on physical health When you’re angry, it’s a whole-body experience. Anger activates your fight-or-flight response, putting your body on high alert for threats. If you are angry a lot and if the anger is intense, that taxes your body. Chronic anger can increase the risk of cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, a weakened immune system, and stomach issues like ulcers, irritable bowel syndrome, and acid reflux.

Impact on mental health Just as anger affects your body, it also affects your mind. If your anger isn’t under control, it can contribute to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and feelings of guilt and shame. To cope with anger and its effects on one’s life, some people turn to substance abuse, which worsens the situation.

Legal and other consequences Anger can lead to bad decision-making, like assaulting other people or damaging property. This can result in legal action being taken against you, as well as being arrested and possibly convicted. Anger can also lead to financial problems, especially when the anger escalates and results in losing work or facing lawsuits for damage caused to people and property out of anger.

Uncontrolled anger can take a difficult situation and make it worse. This makes it all the more important to address anger issues to deal with life problems without worsening them or creating new ones.

Signs of Anger Issues

Can you tell when you’re getting angry? It’s possible to know yourself well enough to clock when you’re starting to get angry. For some, they feel their face flush or their ears start to burn. Perhaps your heart rate increases, and you get a sense of tunnel vision. Maybe you start talking quite fast and gesturing a lot. Or maybe you go quiet, and you clench your jaws and fists. Each of us has our unique reactions when we start to get angry.

Anger issues can manifest in different ways, and sometimes it’s possible to not even realize that one has a problem with anger. Here are some signs of anger issues to be wary of:

Irritability and mood swings One sign of anger issues is if you easily get annoyed or frustrated, even over small or inconsequential things, and you experience sudden shifts in your mood. If you are irritable or your mood shifts are deep and hard to get out of, that too could point to anger issues.

Sarcasm and passive-aggressive behavior Sometimes, people will express their anger in quieter, more indirect, and less confrontational ways. This includes using sarcasm, backhanded compliments, sulking, rolling your eyes, procrastinating, or other indirect expressions of anger.

Feeling tightness or tension in the body This occurs because you may be frequently clenching your jaws, fists, or tensing your shoulders, indicating pent-up anger or frustration.

Avoiding conflict or difficult conversations Another subtle sign that could point to anger issues is dodging hard discussions or situations that might lead to conflict, instead of addressing issues head-on. If you don’t want to have such discussions because you’re worried about your reaction, especially how you’ll react if you get angry, that could point to anger issues.

Procrastination or passive resistance Another sign of anger issues is when you put off tasks or responsibilities, or you do them begrudgingly to express your anger or frustration with a person or your circumstances.

Overreacting or being overly critical Instead of reacting in a measured way, responding in an excessive or over-the-top way to minor setbacks or mistakes could lead to anger issues. Additionally, if you’re overly critical of yourself or others, that could also be the result of anger issues.

Difficulty relaxing or calming down If, when you get angry, you struggle to unwind or relax, or to calm yourself down even in peaceful environments, that could indicate anger issues.

Substance abuse or addiction Using substances to cope with or numb feelings of anger or the consequences of actions taken in anger may point to anger issues.

Physical complaints Experiencing somatic symptoms such as frequent headaches, stomach issues, high blood pressure, or other physical complaints may be the result of stress and anger issues.

Difficulty apologizing or forgiving If you struggle to admit mistakes you’ve made, to apologize, or to forgive yourself or others, it may be the result of unresolved anger or resentment.

People experience anger differently, and these signs may well point to anger issues, but they may also be rooted in another cause. If you’re concerned about your own anger or that of someone you know, you must consider seeking help from a mental health professional to help you identify and address any anger issues.

Addressing Anger Issues in Your Life

Dealing with anger issues is a process that takes time and concerted effort. There may be habits you’ve accrued over the years that are at play, and it takes time to identify these and begin to unravel and replace them with newer, healthier habits.

You can begin working toward addressing anger issues by taking time to reflect on when and why you get angry. Being able to identify patterns and triggers is a helpful step in learning how your own anger works. Anger issues can also be addressed by improving your communication skills, which include listening well to others, being able to express yourself clearly, and setting healthy boundaries in your relationships.

You must nurture your own well-being, and that includes getting enough sleep, eating well, and engaging in regular exercise and activities that calm you and bring you joy. You can make use of creative expression to articulate your feelings, and you can seek professional help in the form of anger management classes and therapy to help you identify and shift negative and unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior.

To learn more about managing anger and to meet with one of the faith-based therapists at our location, call us today.

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“Fire”, Courtesy of Eric Sanman, Pexels.com, CC0 License

Teen Trouble in the Group Chat

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It started as a “harmless” joke. One message, barely a sentence long, was tossed into the group chat like it was no big deal. However, in the world of teenagers, one simple, benign statement can quickly escalate into something much bigger. Tone gets lost, and screenshots get passed around and last forever. And soon, you have teen trouble in the form of a crying or angry teenager on your hands.

The problem with teen trouble and drama (or really every age group) is that it comes out of nowhere. At first, everyone “lol’d” or whatever form of cyber chuckling is popular this week. There were a few laugh-cry emojis too, which are basically the same thing. Then came the snarky replies, a few hurtful memes, and someone added a GIF of a dramatic eyeroll. That’s when things shifted.

Suddenly, the vibe went from lighthearted to tense. What began as a joke became fuel for a blaze of emotions. Teens often don’t realize just how quickly group chats can spiral, especially when there’s no adult in sight, no tone of voice to clarify the intent, and no one brave enough to stand up and say, “Hey, this isn’t cool!”

Maybe the sling of criticism from their peers is deliberate and malicious. Perhaps the attackers are bold because they hide behind a screen in the safety of their own private space.

And here’s where teen trouble takes root: in the quiet confidence and anonymity where bullies thrive, in the silence of the bystanders, and in the groupthink that pushes things just a bit too far. Real feelings are bruised by digital words.

Group chats are a tool of the enemy?

Group chats can be great. They’re a lifeline for social connection, humorous reels, and even emotional support. But without boundaries, they can also become the breeding ground for passive aggression, bullying, and emotional isolation. What feels like innocent “texting” to one person may feel like public humiliation to another. And that bully who isn’t all that brave? Well, they suddenly have a platform.

The truth is, teens are still figuring out how to handle conflict, how to detect nuance, and how to speak up when something feels off. They are trying to learn how to control their impulses and reel in their reactionary behaviors and need for acceptance. In the group chat platform, that learning curve can be downright brutal; mistakes get magnified, screenshots get shared, and feelings get hurt in places that don’t always heal quickly.

Teen trouble: What can be done?

Start by talking about it seriously, not just lecturing or panicking when drama surfaces. Create a space where teens can process what’s happening with the loving support of the adults in their lives. Help teens recognize the red flags – when teasing stops being playful, when sarcasm becomes a weapon, or when someone stops replying entirely. Encourage empathy and remind them that behind every screen is a real person, with a real heart.

What if the damage has already been done?

If your child has been the victim of cyberbullying or even the unfortunate subject of a “tease” gone too far, there is hope. Faith in God is a powerful anchor. Remind teens, and yourself, that even when they feel misunderstood, less-than, and overwhelmed, God sees them. He knows their hurt and hears their cries, and He promises to be near the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).

Encourage your teen to pray, journal, and read their Bible to help anchor themselves in the one who will never betray them or send a snarky meme. And hug them tight, reminding them that they are loved.

Therapy can also make a massive difference. Words spoken into their hearts can have a big effect. Many of those words from peers can be damaging, but a professional therapist can help to uproot those seeds of pain and help your child learn to deal with the scars left by hurtful words, and they can plant healthy, positive words into their hearts.

Educate teens to prevent cyberbullying

While it might seem like “just words on a screen” to a teenager trying to find acceptance in their group of peers, those words can cut deep. Remind your teens that their worth is not found in group chats, reactions, or even in the silent pauses of “ghosting,” but in something much greater and unshakable.

Teach them to ask themselves some important questions before they hit the send button. “Would I say this to their face?” “Is this kind?” and “Could this be misunderstood?” are all questions that might induce pause and realization and might protect the realization and the hurting teen.

Teen drama isn’t confined to the classroom or the Friday night game anymore. Sometimes it’s happening right there in their pocket, in real time. And the arguments and barbs that are sending your child into a reeling spiral of self-loathing and anger may be silent to your ear, but echo loudly in their hearts.

If your teen has been a victim of cyberbullying, help them find healing. Connect them with a professional Christian counselor in Huntington Beach, California who can help them handle the complexities of being a teen in the digital age. Contact us today at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to learn more.

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The Goodness of Getting Old

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When it comes to aging, people often view it as a negative part of life. This is not necessarily true. There are good things about getting old that we can all look forward to. Even though our physical bodies may not be as young and vigorous as they once were, we can still have an active and productive life even as we get older.

…even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save. – Isaiah 46:4, ESV

Staying healthy sets the foundation

While it’s true our bodies change as they get older, we don’t have to let that interfere with our outlook as we age. As we age, we can expect to see differences in our physical bodies. The heart muscles change, we develop wrinkles, our hair turns gray, and we can also see effects on our joints and energy levels. Even though these things are an important part of our overall health, we can still enjoy life as older adults while taking care of our aging bodies.

Taking care of our bodies can be as simple as physical activity, eating a healthy diet, managing stress, and maintaining regular checkups with our physicians. Each of these things can affect every part of our bodies. It can increase our heart health as well as our bone and muscle health.

Activity, diet, stress management, and consistent healthcare can contribute to a healthy digestive system and weight loss, as well as oral health. Cognitive health can even be affected by proper physical activity, as a healthy diet and being mentally active promote cognitive well-being.

Let the good times begin

With an increase in overall health, it becomes easier to enjoy the golden years. These are the years without having to be responsible for children daily. It’s what is known as the empty nest years. A time when adults can enjoy life and all that they have cultivated through maintaining a career and building a home.

Happiness Without Stress

Since there’s no longer stress from work, it appears that it is much easier to be happy, and people are less inclined to get angry. This could also be because, as we grow older, we learn to control emotions and choose what we react to and how we react to it.

Wisdom comes with age

Regardless of how many educational degrees a person has or doesn’t have, wisdom comes from experience. As we grow older, we learn to take note of the experiences in our lifetime, and that adds to the wisdom we can share later. Having this wisdom can lead to helping others go through those experiences.

Volunteering Because of Interests

When we’re raising kids, we tend to volunteer at events they participate in. However, as we grow older, we can find time to volunteer and participate in the things that we are passionate about. We can consider new opportunities or reconnect with something we used to enjoy.

Being Part of the Cool Kids

As adults age and retire, they have time to spend with friends or other family members. This allows them to connect with people who have the same interests and even join groups that meet weekly for specified activities. This could be reading clubs, chess clubs, dancing groups, or any other group activity.

Time With Grandchildren

Grandkids are an amazing part of life. They bring up fulfillment that is only known once a person has raised their children. Grandchildren are an extension of the grandparent. When a grandparent is present in the life of a grandchild, it offers multiple benefits. It enhances the life of the grandparent, but it also enhances the life of the grandchild.

Pursuing Dreams

For too long, society has deemed that pursuing a dream ends when you retire. However, retirement is a wonderful time to pursue the dreams and passions that we had while we created a life for our families. These dreams can be as simple as learning a new language, writing a novel, or taking a trip. It’s never too late to pursue a dream, regardless of age.

Income and Discounts

Once an adult retires, their income becomes guaranteed. A person in retirement knows what their income is each month and how much they need for living expenses. Because most older adults have already paid off mortgages and vehicles, this leaves more for enjoying life. Along with income, older adults enjoy the perks of senior discounts. This helps with a budget on a fixed and limited income, as well as provides discounted prices for certain activities.

Getting Old With Grace

Getting old doesn’t mean the person will not continue to have a meaningful lifestyle. Retiring means that they have reached a milestone. The kids have been raised. The jobs have been done. The homes have been taken care of. These are accomplishments that an older adult can have a sense of pride about. This in itself can cultivate a positive outlook on the lifestyle they are now living.

Getting old doesn’t have to interfere with an active lifestyle. A person simply needs to choose to cultivate healthy living and positive choices to create a good life in their old age.

Contact us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to find faith-based support for the aging process.

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“Couple”, Courtesy of A.C., Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Topics Covered in Christian Marriage Counseling

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Christian marriage counseling is available before and during the marriage. However, many people don’t realize that you can receive counseling before a problem arises in the relationship.

For example, a few sessions of Christian marriage counseling can prepare you to manage conflict, defuse angry situations, and open lines of communication to keep your marriage from losing ground.

Of course, it’s never too late to seek help. If you believe your marriage needs help, consider contacting a marriage counselor today.

How Christian Marriage Counseling Differs

Christian marriage counseling differs from mainstream counseling. Counseling in a Christian setting (whether in person or virtual) is based on a combination of Biblical principles and evidence-based psychology methods. Since faith is the foundation of a Believer’s life, it is the foundation of their therapy.

Christian marriage counseling acknowledges that sin and its consequences contribute to many issues in relationships. The counselor leads the couple to recognize their sin and repent, allowing them to experience the cleansing that only God’s grace and mercy can provide. This turning away from sin and striving to lead a Christ-like life means a fresh start for the marriage.

Commonly Covered Topics in Christian Marriage Counseling

Christian marriage counseling covers many topics. Whether you want to be prepared for future challenges or need help with a specific issue, Christian counseling has the solution.

Seeking help early is key. If you feel something is wrong and you’ve discussed it with your spouse, you may need assistance from an unbiased third party. Unlike a friend or family member, a counselor can teach strategies and skills that will serve you and your marriage for years to come. Counseling is also a safe space to share intimate details without judgment or ridicule.

The following is a list of common topics covered in Christian marriage counseling.

Communication Problems

Many marital problems stem from miscommunication. Often, we mimic our parents in our own relationships. If we come from a household where the adults did not discuss matters or turned to anger or silence when there was a problem, we might do the same.

Effective communication skills open the door to discussing matters and fostering understanding. Even if you cannot agree with your spouse, or a resolution is not easily found, communication skills make it possible to keep those lines open.

Anger Management

Anger clouds our vision and makes it impossible to hear what others are saying. We become convinced that our way is the only right way, or we lash out at others by slamming doors, throwing things, or verbally or physically hurting others.

Anger is not a sin. But allowing anger to become uncontrollable is a sin. How you react during a situation can bring peace or destruction. The Bible speaks of anger: “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” (Ephesians 4:26-27, NIV) Anger management skills can help you work through your anger and remain calm, allowing you to discuss problems rationally.

onflict Resolution

You can avoid escalating conflict with a few strategies. Counseling can equip you with skills in clear communication, active listening, anger management, and identifying the underlying issues that contribute to the conflict. It may be necessary to compromise or seek the help of a third party to resolve the problem.

Learning how to address the problem early, rather than allowing hurt feelings to fester, will save you heartache in the future. It may not be possible to resolve a conflict overnight, but making progress will help you both sleep better.

Financial Issues

Financial stress can overwhelm a marriage. Whether you are living beyond your means, the cost of living has increased, or you have excessive spending, it can lead to conflict. Add to that the cost of groceries and gasoline, college and daycare, and you may find that you argue more about money than any other issue.

Gambling and excessive spending also cause relationship problems in the family. A Christian counselor can help you identify the root of the problem and guide you through steps toward resolution, including budgeting, getting back on track, and paying off debt.

Sexual Problems

Sexual problems can strain the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Erectile dysfunction, low libido, vaginal dryness, Peyronie’s disease, hormonal issues, or sexual disinterest can leave both parties feeling neglected, insecure, and emotionally hurt. In some cases, this can lead to physical or emotional affairs.

Whatever the reasons, counseling can help both parties build emotional intimacy as you work on solutions for physical intimacy. Counseling takes place in a safe space, either in a quiet office at the center or virtually from the comfort of your own home. You learn to build trust and rely on each other beyond sex.

Establishing Boundaries with Extended Family

You may need to establish boundaries with extended family members. Your parents, siblings, and in-laws mean well, but their unannounced arrivals and late-night phone calls may cause more harm than good in your marriage. The same goes for family members who tend to assert themselves in arguments between you and your spouse.

It takes a firm word to set boundaries with others, but your relationship with your spouse must come first. Depending on the person, you may need to tell people to call before coming over to your house or to stay out of your arguments with your spouse. Discuss with your spouse where to draw the line. You may need to consider counseling if your spouse disagrees with boundaries and it’s causing conflict in the relationship.

Mental Disorders

Mental disorders can cause damage to the marriage as well as to other family members. The signs of a mental condition can leave lasting impressions on children or trigger a traumatic response in a spouse. Depending on the mental disorder, it can lead to neglect, abuse, or PTSD.

Help is readily available for mental health problems. The stigma once associated with mental disorders has slowly lifted, and millions of people seek help from mental health professionals. You don’t have to go through it alone, either. Most counseling centers encourage couples or family therapy to help a family member with a mental condition, as well as local or online support groups.

Addiction

Addiction in any form can tear a family apart, causing trust issues between husband and wife. Addiction can include alcohol, drugs, pornography, sex, gambling, tobacco/cigarettes, shopping, food, and internet/gaming. Any substance or action that you crave or find yourself acting on an impulse can be an addiction.

Some people cannot stop certain addictions immediately without supervised help. For example, a person with a heroin addiction will develop withdrawal symptoms after stopping the drug and will need to be closely monitored in a medical setting for any physical complications.

Other addictions, such as smoking or food/overeating, can be overcome by slowly making changes. Speak to a counselor about addiction and the best (and safest) way to manage symptoms and save your marriage.

Infidelity

Infidelity, adultery, affairs, and physical and emotional betrayal can end in divorce. The ramifications of this type of betrayal run deep. It can take years after an affair for a couple to make strides toward rebuilding their marriage. It is possible, but there are many painful obstacles to move past.

Christian counseling works with the couple to “fireproof” their marriage, to lean in closer to God, and to ask for His grace and mercy during this season. It is learning how to communicate and prioritize your spouse above all others. It’s about healing emotional wounds.

Christian Marriage Counseling in California

Looking for Christian marriage counseling in California. Contact us today to schedule an appointment with a Christian marriage counselor. Your counselor can meet with you in person or virtually at a time that fits your family’s needs. Call us today to get started.

Photos:
“Bride and Groom”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “The Kiss”, Courtesy of Frank Mckenna, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Engaged”, Courtesy of Heather Mount, Unsplash.com, CC0 License