Advice For the First Year of Marriage

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The first year of marriage is an exciting time. You finally married the love of your life. You’re excited about the future. You’re making plans, such as where you will live and when you plan to start a family.

But the first year of marriage can also be challenging. You are learning to live with one another and accept each other’s flaws. The newness begins to wear off, and you start to depend on each other for companionship.

Be prepared for the obstacles that may come along during your first year of marriage.

Advice for the First Year of Marriage

The first year of marriage can be rocky as you learn to lean on someone else while also maintaining your independence. This is the time to learn strategies in conflict resolution, anger management, and time management. Being on the same page regarding faith, household chores, finances, and expectations will go a long way in building a solid foundation for your relationship.

The following is a list of several tips for the first year of marriage.

Christian couples need Christ as the foundation

Christian couples need Jesus Christ as the foundation if they want to make it through the first year of marriage and beyond. Believers leading a Christ-led life will try to follow the principles Jesus taught and live by the fruit of the Holy Spirit. A home filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control is a home that people want to call home.

But you cannot fake the fruit of the Spirit. You may be able to convince someone that you have these qualities in the short term, but they will discover differently a few months into the marriage. Instead, foolproof your marriage by insisting that you both repent and give yourselves over to God and ask for the Holy Spirit to guide you both individually and as a couple.

Spend quality time together

Life gets busy, and it’s easy to take each other for granted. Don’t fall into that trap. Schedule quality time together. Make it part of your daily routine. This could be spending time watching television together or playing a game after dinner. It could be changing your work schedules to have Sundays off, so that the two of you can attend church and go out for an adventure afterward.

Guard your quality time. Others may ask for your time. Unless this is okay with your spouse, protect your time together.

But be your own person

Although quality time with your spouse is crucial for maintaining an emotional connection, you must also preserve your individuality. Pursue your own hobbies and interests, and encourage your spouse to do the same. For some couples, this may look like one person playing video games while the other reads on a Saturday morning. For other couples, it could be taking turns going out with friends.

Keep communication open when you plan to join friends or work on a hobby. Write it on a calendar that is posted where both of you can see it.

Keep yourselves honest

Don’t allow yourselves to go to bed while still angry. If you’re upset about something, tell your spouse how their actions made you feel. Don’t let emotions simmer until it feels like you might explode. Neither of you can read minds, so open communication is crucial.

Encourage honesty in your marriage. There may be times when honesty is painful, but it is essential for making informed decisions. For example, if your spouse feels that you are emotionally unavailable, don’t avoid the conversation. Find out why they think that way and seek counseling if you need it.

Place your relationship above all others

Learn to set boundaries in your relationship. Other people may try to intrude, especially initially, in the first year of marriage. In-laws may not understand why they cannot just stop over whenever they want. Establish boundaries with extended family and friends to protect your peace.

For example, you may need to set boundaries with family members about how late you will respond to a call or text message, or you may need to emphasize that they should call before stopping by your home. If you or your spouse always run errands for family members, you may need to allot a specific day and time to do this that does not interfere with your quality time.

Get on the same page with finances

Nothing triggers an argument like not being on the same page financially. If possible, discuss financial matters before marriage. Sit down and decide how you will manage bank accounts, savings, investments, and bill paying. Discuss large purchases with your spouse before making them and ensure that you both have access to the accounts.

Staying honest in marriage also extends to financial matters. If either of you has debt, work on it together. This is your first step to working as a team.

Practice patience

Little pet peeves can begin to break you down after the first few months of living together. Learn to practice patience. This might mean overlooking slights or helping your spouse through something they don’t understand. It means practicing empathy and putting yourself in their shoes.

If either of you has anger issues, seek help from a mental health professional. Anger management techniques learned during the first year of marriage will serve your relationship for decades to come.

Keep the romance alive

Part of your quality time together includes romance. Don’t get into a rut. Try new things and spice up your bedroom. Sometimes, just decluttering, cleaning, and redecorating the bedroom can give you a new lease of life in the romance area.

But romance is more than sex. You want to strengthen the emotional relationship you have. Make small gestures that show you love and appreciate your spouse. For example, make them a cup of coffee in the morning while they are getting dressed, or touch the small of their back as you walk by. It’s the little things that will keep you connected.

Support each other with household chores

No one really likes doing chores, but maintaining a clean and healthy home is essential for overall well-being. Support your spouse by helping out with chores. Some couples split chores between them, while others gravitate toward chores that their parents may have done.

Try to keep an open mind about chores. Perhaps your father only mowed the lawn once a week, while your mother cleaned the entire house and did the laundry. Neither of you is your parents, and you can manage your household in a way that best suits you and your schedules.

For example, you could keep a dry-erase board with a list of daily household tasks. When either of you has time, do a small task and check it off. Work as a team to keep a lovely and peaceful home.

Find help if you need it

Don’t be afraid to ask advice about marriage from people with long-lasting marriages. Often, pastors or older church members who have been married for decades can offer sound advice. Try to visit someone you trust as a couple. Never confide in someone of the opposite sex without your spouse with you. That could set you up for future problems.

If your church offers marriage counseling or a support group for newlyweds, consider joining. If not, you may locate support groups in your area. Alternatively, you can reach out to our counseling center to speak with a licensed marriage counselor.

Virtual Marriage Counseling Available

If you’re not sure how to approach your spouse about the above topics or need help in the first year of marriage and beyond, contact our office today. We will schedule a virtual session with a Christian counselor for you. If you prefer face-to-face sessions, those are also available. Call to get started today.

Photos:
“Just Married”, Courtesy of Frans Daniels, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Happy Couple”, Courtesy of Wesley Tingey, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Together”, Courtesy of Elahe Motamedi, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Cuddling Couple”, Courtesy of Lia Bekyan, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Experience the Difference: What a Christian Life Coach Can Do For You

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If you’ve come to this webpage, you are likely seeking care for unresolved wounds in your life, and if you’ve clicked on this article, you are probably searching for direction toward self-improvement in the hands of a coach who identifies with Christ.

With that in mind, I wanted to write to you about what you can expect from therapy, from life coaching, and especially from the subspecialty of Christian life coaching. I want to help you think through for yourself if the difference would be a noticeable enhancement in your journey.

What is therapy, and what is a Christian life coach?

First, let’s look at what these specialties are by definition and a few metaphors to further identify their typical look and function. Therapy, in the psychological world of healthcare, specifically refers to a professional-client relationship in which the professional delivers care that attends to the needs and mental wounds of the client.

The term “trauma” comes from the Greek for “wound,” and a therapist is in the field of mental wound care. Therapists share, teach, and model evidence-based, scientifically developed concepts and tools in a safe, positive, person-centered space and relationship.

In the metaphorical world of sports, a therapist may function like a physical therapist, helping the client recover from injuries suffered on the field so they can get cleared and back to their healthy athletic selves.

“Coach” was a word originally referring to a vehicle that would transport someone from one place to another. However, in the 1800s, it came to be used to refer to a professional who could help students through exams toward good grades. Now, a coach is widely recognized as a professional or amateur helper who helps bring students, athletes, clients, health patients, leaders, you name it, to higher functioning or personal enhancement in some area.

Metaphorically, a coach can be compared to a position-specific coach – such as a quarterback coach – who assists an athlete in refining movements, routines, or processes that enhance performance and skill. This support does not include addressing physical injuries, which remain the responsibility of a physical therapist.

The Christian Life Coach

But what about a Christian life coach? A Christian life coach can look at areas like business, nutrition, and career-finding just the same as a non-Christian life coach would, but the difference lies in their worldview and orientation to the client’s direction.

A Christian life coach may repurpose the skills and goals, reenvision the client’s sense of self in a new way, and point the client toward a somewhat dissimilar transformation process where goals and fulfillment are encountered in a Christian worldview.

A Christian life coach is like a quarterback coach (and therefore not a healer of injuries per se), but one that has an old, tested system for coaching the quarterback, who has different working premises of success, because that is the proven system in the coach’s mind for improving overall gameplay. To flesh that out, let’s take a look at a few more distinguishing characteristics of a Christian life coach.

A Christian life coach will draw wisdom from the Scriptures, prayer (both in and out of session), and incorporate spiritual disciplines and other effective coaching skills. Many Christian life coaches’ bio sections often use terminology like “help you with navigating” and “meeting you with compassion” through their coaching.

This highlights the humble approach of journeying alongside others in God’s world, drawing on the wisdom of scripture and spiritual practices, and sharing personal experiences of God’s faithfulness that have brought support and guidance in similar situations.

Non-Christian life coaches may use other phrases to describe themselves, such as “we will help you discover blind spots, re-examining old beliefs, and trying new things,” and (as to describe Tony Robbins – a huge figure in life coaching), “he set about gathering knowledge about success from the world’s best. He set out to help people become the best version of themselves, no matter their circumstances.”

A Christian life coach uses the Bible

So, one difference is the primacy of the Bible as source material that is elevated above other knowledge sources. Therefore, biblical life coaches will give the context of scripture verses that represent the thoughts and desires of God’s program for humanity to live fruitfully in this life. A Christian life coach who is worth their salt will endeavor to listen to their client’s heartfelt need and find applicable and contextually accurate verses that are God’s voice on the matter.

These scriptures may help clients find themselves in God’s design as valuable creations with a calling, clarifying the client’s identity in Christ, and encouraging them to pursue the Holy Spirit’s equipping and empowering role.

Clients will learn to set their values and passions in a creative and wider backdrop of right-sized, proper use of their gifts, and God’s presence here and now and forever forward as a promise of companionship and strength that He will always be faithful to carry out.

Prayer with a life coach can reveal areas of need, provide emotional grounding, and prepare clients to combine the truths of the Scriptures with the experience of the life coach, motivating them to act. Similarly, certain spiritual practices like fasting, solitude, generosity, and sabbath taking may be taught as a model of healthy life balance passed down from Old Testament heroes, from Jesus, and the early church.

Also, like a “Christian” quarterback coach, the Christian life coach may frame goals in ways that look less like elevating material success, fulfilling personal dreams, or aligning with an individual’s values and more like aligning with God’s will and calling, and promoting spiritual growth. As you can see, though these can overlap, in some ways, they can be qualitatively different.

Language used can also take on subtly different shades, which you may or may not like depending on your proclivity. Words like “surrendering,” “identity in Christ,” “God’s promises,” “providence,” and “control” may be more commonplace verbiage than in a secular life coaching session.

Also, decision-making processes and what makes them effective can have similarities and differences. A secular life coach (definition of secular being “present age minded”) may lean closer to scientific, deductive, even reductionistic models that start with a client’s logic and intuition and decide that a good decision will pay off when one can reasonably assume a good end or opportunity will arise from the decision.

A Christian life coach would similarly want a good ending to a decision, but what constitutes good for them may be defined only by what is godly (“No one is good but God alone.”). They will try to reverse engineer a good decision by first discerning God’s mindset on an issue through scripture and prayerful consideration. And then comes the question of how to create and maintain parameters that sustain good decision-making. We might call this accountability.

Accountability is thus grounded in the meaning-making structure that produces worthwhile goals. It then develops methods to help the client stay engaged and progress toward their goals, offering feedback and nudging the client back on track if they stray from their goals.

The Secular vs. the Christian Life Coach

This is where you may see a bigger difference between the secular and Christian orientations. The Christian life coach will nearly always believe in the objective nature of the meaning and truth of God’s world, and thus accountability has objective standards with which to weigh the client’s moves according to the Bible.

The secular life coach, will likely be agnostic or atheistic – at least, not faith based (which may be a whole other article to be written or researched if you are interested), will consider accountability as a concept grounded more on the client’s subjective will, desires to achieve or strive, or else be relaxed according to the client’s liking.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of similarities and differences, just the findings of one Christian therapist delving into the subject out of curiosity. I found myself using “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy” (developed by Steven Hayes), which I love and use often. It employs the discovery and commitment to deeply held values amid trials, pain, and the desire to avoid negativity as a pillar of its model for personal growth.

Integration

This posed an important question for me. If I use this theory with non-Christian, non-religious clients, who would almost all ascribe to beliefs or at least behaviors that reflect a subjective basis for meaning making, could I be catalyzing clients toward goals and behaviors that might ultimately separate them from a way of seeing life that needs God in it?

As I am slowly coming to believe that catalyzing clients’ awakening of old feelings and dreams about what brought them joy, a definition of identity, and a habit of moving forward in their life, can be useful and used by God as the client reawakens questions of who they were made to be.

Will those desires always neatly fit into prescribed Christian frameworks, let’s say, of healthy relationships, healthy recreation, and healthy work habits? No. But I believe that the question of what constitutes a purposeful life will eventually be used by God for growth and well-being in real life, with all of God’s tools and people working to inspire those who are not yet believers to consider the faith-filled, love-filled life God desires.

I am not a Christian life coach by training – the training and accreditation process for life coaching is different than traditional schooling processes for therapists or psychologists. However, there are programs and processes that life coaches can go through for greater specification and effectiveness. And you can and should always ask about that for your own benefit.

I love the godly promises-discovery process and the value defining process, and my therapy incorporates this to broaden healing (like the physical therapist healing the athletes torn hamstring) from past and present emotional and mental processing toward healing with value driven sights and plans built in (like a coach rooting you on the personal records and championships you desire).

Many (or at least, most) therapists will as well, by the way! But I just wanted to share that I love this stuff. Checking out and externally processing out my curiosities is part of my value system. Maybe that’s why I loved writing this piece. Dad joke beware.

Next Steps

If you’d like to start that journey of past, present, and future processing and growth with me, please feel free to reach out to reception at (949) 386-7178

Photos:
“Creating Plays”, Courtesy of Nguyen Thu Hoai, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

The Struggle of Parenting Teenagers: Part Two

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The struggle of parenting teenagers is real; am I right?

It’s the age where independence and peer focus skyrocket to a whole new level. It’s the age where parents’ fears resurface from the beginning of their lives: “Who will they turn out to be?” “Will life go well for them?” “Will they be successful?”

These are just a few of the questions asked by parents across the world. As teenagers mature into adulthood, parents are faced with the final years of pouring themselves into their kids. Along with that come new challenges, new struggles, and unknowns no one could have predicted.

In part one of this two-part series, “The Struggle of Parenting Teenagers,” we took a look at common struggles teenagers deal with while they try out new behaviors, understand in new ways, and feel new levels of emotions. In part one, we also dove deeper into the common responses parents give to their teenagers in the face of these struggles and highlighted the potential shortcomings of these responses.

Here in part two of this series, we will develop a set of alternative responses when things get hard with teenagers. Whether the first response goes well for you or not, these responses deserve some thought as you navigate your teenager’s developing years.

There is no perfect formula. No, one-size-fits-all approach that will get you the perfect teenager and the “perfect parent” award. Instead, the list below is meant to serve as more in your arsenal of thought and behavior toward your teenager as you guide them through these next formative years of their lives.

Alternative Responses in Parenting Teenagers

In place of or in addition to any of the responses detailed in part one, here are some responses for parents to consider when facing difficult teenage behavior.

Give time

Giving teenagers your time can be an impactful response (whether appreciated at first or not) to a teenager who is engaging in problematic behavior.

This response looks like selecting an amount of time according to the type of behavior (maybe starting with a week, or trying it for a month), and engaging in intentional time with your teenager each day or instead of alternative activities (e.g., in place of going to practice, the teenager stays home with the parent and plays games, finishes house projects, completes Bible studies, exercise, etc.).

Engage with the church

In the Body of Christ, there are people of faith, old and mature enough to pour their energy, experience, and love into youth. During times when you, as the parent, cannot be with the teenager, and during even times when you can, consider setting up time for your child to spend time with other people of faith. This allows the teenager to spend time with and talk to someone who is not a parent, but who shares similar values to you.

Be the leader

As a leader in the home, taking the initiative to model the desired behavior of the teenager goes a long way. This includes refraining from electronic use while in their presence, engaging in church and/or community activities, etc.

If you feel like you’re already doing all of this, you’re off to a great start. Consider how you can come along with your teenager during this time and engage with them while they are participating in positive activities.

Have heart-to-hearts

Your teenager may be the strong, silent type. Try utilizing different locations, environments, and activities to open them up. Consistency works wonders in training them up to expect you will be talking with them, and that they will be expected to talk with you.

Activities can look as simple as Q&A prompts or magazine quizzes. Take things up a notch by shooting some hoops or going to miniature golf. Don’t be afraid of going to grab some ice cream and walking on the beach.

Engage in a service/community mindset

Teenagers are capable of serving major roles in the family and community. Their impact can be as large as the functioning of the family home, or stretch into the external workings of the city they live in.

If the teenager doesn’t play an active role in the home, now is a great time to establish one or more. These roles can include spending time with siblings, helping out around the house, serving the grandparents, volunteer work, community service, etc.

Where to look for help

Parents and teenagers need lots of support. There are new things to face and new expectations to live by for everyone. The struggle of parenting teenagers (as well as being a teenager) is even more difficult without a community or proper sources to lean on.

Everyone has opinions, so when it comes to taking advice, it is important to vet it.

The Bible

The Bible is a source of wisdom and truths that are unchanging and full of promise. When looking to the Bible for counsel, be careful to study the heart of God in the matter-not just taking a verse and blanketing it over your situation based on your own understanding. Using the Bible as a source of counsel comes by studying the word, the context of each word, and gaining an understanding of who God is and His instructions for us, His followers.

If your teenager is not a follower of Christ and doesn’t recognize the Bible’s authority over them, it is important to take counsel from the Bible for your actions as a parent, as well as how to address unbelievers. This is in addition to how God wants your teenager to be counseled by His Word to become a believer and gain assurance of their salvation.

Don’t assume the Bible will have meaning in your teenager’s life before a) you work on your own life, and b) your teenager has been saved.

People

People are an essential part of our lives. We need people to help us function and thrive. God Himself tells us through the Bible how our influences not only matter, but also how the Church is a critical part of our spiritual growth and faith journeys.

Understandably, it can be difficult to establish relationships with good, faith-filled people. Time, effort, grace, and forgiveness are necessary components of keeping and growing healthy relationships; most of those are in short supply because of one thing or another.

How, then, does one go about choosing people to speak into and influence our lives and the lives of our teenagers? The first step is to pray. Pray for the wisdom of both you and the people you are choosing. Pray for the strength to stand up for what is right. Pray for a filling of time, effort, grace, and forgiveness in all parties involved.

The next step is to reach out. If you are already involved in some sort of church group or have family that hold strong Christian values, you’ve got a ready-made pool of people to invite to pray with you, spend time with you, counsel you, and spend time with or counsel your teenager.

If you do not already have a built-in group to select from, then getting involved in one can take time you don’t feel like you have. The beauty of God being outside of time is that He has already gone before you in this and is not anxious for things to move at a specific speed. So, it’s time to get serious about getting involved with your local church.

In the meantime, while you are working on growing relationships and testing those waters for your family, try connecting with the resources of trusted theologians. These resources can include sermons, commentaries, web articles, books, podcasts, etc.

When evaluating your options for who to get closer with and connect your teenager with, consider exploring the book of Titus. In just three chapters, the book of Titus lays out guidelines for leaders. From how they are to be behaving in life, to what their family’s behavior looks like, to what they teach.

Church Family

While a church family is included in the people who can support you during the parenting years, a church family serves as a greater source of encouragement. Involving yourself in church is an important part of living as a Christian and shepherding your family in Godly ways.

This is more than just serving in a ministry and going on Sundays. Involving yourself in church to the level of church becoming a family means being sharpened, sharpening others, discipling others, being discipled, using your gifts, being poured into, and pouring out into others.

Most of the New Testament letters to the churches outline God’s design for you and your family to be a part of His Body. They are there for you to study and guide you through every struggle you can face in the church.

Family

Family is an important part of every teenager’s life. Whatever state your family is in, start there.

Strengthening relationships is the next step. This includes your teenager as well as interactions between your teenager and other members of your family. This is done by taking time to invest by listening, enjoying each other’s company, engaging in new or liked activities by each party (it doesn’t have to be liked by both/all parties), and/or working on chores/household/service projects.

Role models are another important area to evaluate when parenting. You are a role model to your teenager; which other adults are as well? Are you being protective and supportive in teaching your teenager how to discern between positive and negative role models?

Lastly, your teenager is a role model for others who are younger (in addition to the influence they have over their peers). Have you done the work to pour into your teenager the teaching necessary for developing a value system and way of behaving that properly encourages them for such a role?

How do you know if you need a therapist for parenting teenagers?

When you don’t know where to start addressing the struggle of parenting teenagers, your first thought can be to contact an expert and get counsel. Reaching out to a Christian therapist can be an appropriate first step for you to have space and counsel to work on your struggles.

If you are not yet connected to a church or have limited access to support, then a Christian counselor can be a support while you develop those relationships.

If there are few or no trusted adults to support your teenager, then a Christian counselor can be a support while you seek out and develop relationships. Do not discount your own relationship with your teenager in this equation. Developing a trusted relationship can take some time, and the teenager’s willingness will be a factor.

Maybe you need help mediating between you and your spouse about parenting teenagers. A Christian counselor would be appropriate help for the two of you in addressing the struggle of parenting teens together. If you see yourself as disconnected from your teen, a Christian therapist can help you reconnect with your child.

Wherever you are on the journey, if you need support, we have therapists available to talk this week. Check us out at https://cachristiancounseling.com/

Photos:
“Mother and Son”, Courtesy of picturism, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Handshake”, courtesy of jackmac34, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Sitting on a Park Bench”, Courtesy of Surprising_Media, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Family on the Beach”, Courtesy of chillla70, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

The Struggle of Parenting Teenagers: Part One

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The struggle of parenting teenagers isn’t something new. It’s the age when children start to practice being adults. Their minds develop in ways that enable them to start seeing the world in a different and critical light. Parents and other adults can experience teenagers as engaging, productive, and fun, or, on the other hand, as disrespectful, stubborn, and troubled.

The Stress of Parenting Teenagers

Everyone has their good and bad days, but what happens when the worry starts to creep in for parents? That worry says, “The bad days outnumber the good.” The struggle intensifies, and a growing fear of what is to come takes over.

Do any of these sound familiar?

  • “Is this normal behavior?”
  • “Does this mean they are _____?!”
  • “How do I get the lying to stop?”
  • “I just don’t know how to talk with my teenager.”
  • “All they do is argue with me.”
  • “My teenager just needs more self-confidence.”

If so, you are not alone. Teenagers can experience depression, body shame, low self-confidence, new levels of stress, and access to substances. These issues, along with developing brains, can lead to communication struggles and difficulties regulating emotions.

This article is part one of two articles that develop an understanding of the struggles parents face when deciding how to parent through teenage years. This article will attempt to expand your perspective on common issues teenagers face and common responses parents have to those issues. Part two will dive into alternative responses, where to look for help, and when to seek a therapist.

Common Issues Face by Teenagers and Their Families

Self Esteem

Teenagers develop a new level of ability to see others, compare with others, and are trying to work out what is good/right and bad/wrong for themselves with new reasoning capabilities. This can lead a teenager to lose or decline in self-esteem, whether internally done (comparing themselves with others they see) or externally influenced (when others make negative comparisons of them).

Communication Breakdowns

Communication breaks down in a family when teenagers struggle to express themselves. It also temporarily becomes more difficult for teenagers to process and relay information as their brains are distracted by new developments. Receiving correction is also not processed in the same way, as the teenager can try out reasoning skills and work through their newfound independence and desires.

Lying

Because teenagers are prone to compare themselves to others, are working on their own sense of right and wrong, and thinking in new ways, they can be prone to lying or communication that leaves out details. Lying or leaving out information can quickly become a habit that frustrates the entire family and creates a lack of proper communication across circle groups (i.e., family, friends, school, sports, etc.).

Fighting

Teenagers have developing reasoning skills. While practicing the art of reason, it has the potential to become a fight. These fights can range from simple rebuttals to full-blown screaming as teenagers get wrapped up in their own understanding, and parents are at a loss for how to respond and maintain authority.

Isolation

Teenagers are finding their way, developing rapidly, and often taking on increased responsibility, so they need more downtime, and they crave social connection. These needs and cravings create a propensity to isolate from family and spend less time in or around the home.

Self-Harm

Self-harming behavior is alarming to families, and at times, shameful as well. Any level of self-harming behavior can be difficult for families to manage and address. Any such behavior also has the potential to create new questions for the family and decrease trust in the teenager.

  • Physical Physical self-harming behaviors include actions such as abstaining from eating, purging after eating, over-eating, cutting, burning, slapping/punching/hitting. Teenagers may engage in these behaviors for several reasons, such as low self-esteem or to escape various types of stress.
  • Sexual Teenagers may engage in reckless, rough, or other inappropriate sexual behavior (i.e., sharing themselves via pornographic avenues). Again, teenagers who engage in these self-harming behaviors do so for a number of reasons.
  • Substances Substances can be drugs or alcohol of any amount. Teenagers may reason that there is no harm being done when using these substances. However, many studies have shown harm from the use of any controlled substance, tobacco or otherwise, on the developing and developed brains of individuals. Just because there is no perceived harm does not mean it is not there.

How much substance use is recognized as a problem can range from any use to abundant use. People often claim that there is no problem with using substances unless there is a frequent negative impact on the person’s life. No matter when or if the substance becomes a problem to the teenager or their parents, the motivation for using the substance is something important to be addressed.

Any of these issues, or any additional not-so-common issues that you and your teenager face, can present a level of difficulty that surpasses what parents and teens see as their capacity to deal with on their own. In other words, it’s normal to face new challenges that you and your teenager will need help with.

The parent response can vary from incident to incident and parent to parent. Below are a few common responses from parents.

Common Responses When Parenting Teenagers

This is not an exhaustive list by any means. This list includes reactions that parents have when facing any issue with their teenager’s behavior post-reprimanding, such as yelling and/or silence.

Take away privileges Whether it be a response to try and restrict access to the troubled behavior or an attempt to simply decrease freedom, taking away privileges is typically a common first approach. While this can seem like it works, it often doesn’t fix the behavior and yields only temporary results-if any.

Some teenagers are extremely reactive toward their privileges (such as electronics) being taken away, and others couldn’t care less. Either reaction can lead parents to wonder how to encourage their teenager to behave better.

Send them to church This is not every parent’s approach, but it becomes a part of many Christian homes where parents make it a rule to attend church. Parents who have teenagers who are engaging in difficult behavior will demand that their children continue joining them at church, or send them to church by themselves.

The difficulty of this approach comes when parents believe that the church will “fix” the teenager. Many times, it does not fix the behavior and can drive a wedge between the teenager and the church.

Send them to an expert Similar to sending the teenager to church, outsourcing the problem to an expert is thought by parents to be the “fix.” Sending your teenager to an expert will only have the opportunity to yield positive results if the teenager is open to admitting they have a problem, desires to work with the expert, and can access the tools and implement them.

Let them be This may sound like an odd one to add to a list of common responses of parents of teenagers caught in problematic behavior, but it is an important one to highlight. Letting the teenager “be” can come as a first response or after a different response wears off. For example, some parents may restrict freedoms for a week after an incident, and then simply allow the freedoms to be restored (sometimes prematurely) without any other intervention.

As a first response, parents can reason that they don’t have much insight to help the problem, the teenager will eventually self-correct, or that the problematic behavior isn’t “that bad.”

Help Parenting Teenagers

Any of these reactions are appropriate and/or fitting at times. The above reactions may be all a parent needs to see their teenager turn around in their behavior and straighten their ways.

What happens when the struggle of parenting teenagers seems like it’s too much, when the parent’s reaction doesn’t seem to evoke any level of change from the teenager?

It is common for parents to have at least one encounter of feeling lost and not knowing what to do with their teenager’s behavior. In part two of “The Struggle of Parenting Teenagers,” we will explore alternative responses to the ones found above, where to find help, and how to tell if your teenager needs a therapist.

Want to talk with someone today? Contact our team at cachristiancounseling.com or call us at 619-877-2560.

Photos:
“Friends”, Courtesy of Eliott Reyna, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Church”, Courtesy of Kenny Eliason, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Phone and Laptop”, Courtesy of Rahul Chakroborty, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

5 Types of OCD and Signs to Watch For

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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, commonly known as OCD, is a mental disorder marked by obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors. OCD interferes with daily life and relationships if left untreated. This article will help you learn more about the types of OCD and signs to recognize when to seek help for yourself or a loved one.

Types of OCD

There are five common types of OCD. Most symptoms fall into these categories. Someone with OCD may not display all of the behaviors in a category. Only a mental health care professional can diagnose it and the category it falls into.

Signs of OCD

The signs of OCD may seem odd to those peering in from the outside while observing a loved one’s behaviors. However, intrusive or obsessive thoughts dominate a person’s mind and lead to compulsive behaviors. When counselors treat the signs of OCD, they work on helping the client shift their mindset, reframe negative thoughts, and behave differently.

Read through the list of the signs, then speak to a counselor about any behaviors troubling you.

Contamination OCD

Contamination OCD is a fear of illnesses and germs. People with this type are afraid that if they do not care for themselves, they will get ill. This fear creates cleansing rituals as compulsive behaviors.

For example, the person may wash their hands in a specific way and frequency until they feel they have killed as many germs as possible. The pandemic may have made contamination OCD worse in people as they tried to avoid the virus.

  • Excessive cleanliness
  • Handwashing
  • Fear of contamination
  • Cleansing rituals

Good personal hygiene is necessary and should not cause worry and fear. Counseling can help you reframe your thoughts and emotions to change the behavior associated with contamination and cleansing.

Checking OCD

Checking OCD is one of the more well-known versions of the condition. This person struggles to resume their day because they lost track of time while double-checking things around the house. This can make people re-enter their homes to check the locks and appliances. They may call their loved ones repeatedly to check in on them.

There is a deep fear that if they do not follow a routine or say the correct verbiage (like “Be careful!”), their loved one will get hurt or not survive.

  • Counting
  • Checking
  • Extreme fear or worry that something horrible will happen

Anxiety and fear are hallmarks of checking OCD. Counseling can teach you to soothe your nervous system as you manage the condition.

Symmetry and Ordering OCD

Symmetry and ordering OCD goes beyond the desire for a neat and tidy environment. With this type of OCD, the impulse to keep everything in alignment is overwhelming. People struggling with symmetry and ordering OCD may spend time organizing their pantries, desks, closets, and drawers. They may lash out at loved ones for not keeping items where they belong. They may have trouble at work due to too much time spent counting and arranging.

  • Symmetry
  • Ordering
  • Counting
  • Arranging

Constant organizing can rob you of time. Treatments, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), can help you learn to change your thoughts.

Intrusive Thoughts OCD

Intrusive thoughts in OCD are disturbing to those struggling with it. Frightening and violent images fill their minds. They are worried that they may give in and hurt the people they love most in the world. The impulse to act on these thoughts grows stronger.

They become fearful of what others might think of them if they share their thoughts. If you struggle with intrusive thoughts and are afraid of your actions, seek professional help immediately. A counselor understands and will work with you to manage and diminish these thoughts and impulses.

  • Intrusive and obsessive thoughts
  • Fear of hurting other people
  • Disturbing images

Intrusive and obsessive thoughts do not mean you were born evil. God created you for His purpose. Christian counseling can help you overcome these impulses.

Hoarding OCD

Although rarely mentioned, hoarding is a type of OCD. People struggling with hoarding have trouble throwing away or donating items. There are several reasons why someone keeps items, including what most people deem as trash.

If they grew up in scarcity, they may be afraid they will need an item again and won’t be able to find it. They may view items as worth a lot of money or having sentimental value. In many cases, they feel a sense of security surrounded by their belongings.

Hoarding causes issues in relationships. The family may be embarrassed to have anyone over, and packed homes may have a pungent odor. The more clutter in a home, the more of a fire risk and health hazard it can be.

Getting Help

Do these types of OCD sound familiar? You may recognize your signs of OCD from any of the categories: contamination, checking, symmetry and ordering, intrusive thoughts, or hoarding. Contact our office today at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling in California to schedule an appointment with a counselor in Huntington Beach to help you manage your symptoms and regain control of your life.

Photo:
“Sea Rocks”, Courtesy of Jairo Gonzalez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

How Trauma Therapy Can Help with the Avoidance of Pain

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We have all stubbed a toe or sprained an ankle, gotten bitten or sunburned at some point in the last month. The instant ouch, the resounding throb, and tender joints for days are common for most ordinary people, and the more extreme and active you are, the more likely those will become.

Most of us have also eaten a new delicacy or old favorite, and gotten sick enough to throw it up due to food poisoning, and in future days, months, even decades for some, become so averse to the food, we completely avoid it.

Emotional Pain

Sometimes emotional pain caused by mistreatment while a child, difficult, frightening and uncontrollable things, feeling physical pain above the threshold of toleration, or being inappropriately touched or betrayed by someone, can make our bodies and minds respond similarly, just like becoming averse to food, or nervousness about playing that sport again in case your ankle might hurt again.

We are instinctively averse to things that cause us pain. A conversation about healthy fear versus unhealthy fear and healthy stress response and unhealthy stress response is valid. But for now, we can assert it is true that a powerful force in our mind prompts us to take special note of pain and quickly choose options to deal with it somehow.

Some of the ways we deal with emotional pain are suppressing our feelings, addiction, denial when it comes up, walling ourselves off from more pain or situations, fantasy and daydreaming, and other kinds of avoidance.

What we get from these are anxiety, a feeling of lurking feelings underneath the surface, and hopeless, cynical, antisocial, or isolative behavior. The problem with these is that none of them deal with root causes. All of them look to reduce or avoid symptoms.

Broken Cisterns

In Jeremiah 2:13, God tells the prophet Jeremiah about his people Israel: “For my people have committed two evils: They have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out for themselves cisterns, broken cisterns that can hold no water.”

We can see a parallel to the broken cisterns that can hold no water, to those instances of avoiding pain, our rushed way of acting, but not getting to the root solution. Historically, cisterns were reservoirs or wells that would be built to hold and contain water. God used this metaphor to point out to His people that certain avenues and choices will never truly satisfy and comfort us or support us with the right provision of healing.

Ice cream is great for celebration, but not great for reducing the pain of rejection from people. Leaving in a hurry and swearing at someone to get away might be useful if being chased by an assailant, but not if you need to work a thorny issue with a family member. There is a reason and a season for things that make something an applicable or not-so-applicable choice to cope. The same goes for emotional, mental, and spiritual pain.

What is trauma therapy?

Let’s now take this philosophical topic and distill it to the psychological topic you came here for; how trauma therapy (“trauma” being the Greek word for wound, and so trauma therapy is the attending to the wound) can intersect with pain and help the sufferer face it and cope with it in the right way.

For nearly every theory proposed, tested, and verified in modern therapy, some theorists looked at basic questions like what unhealthiness is, what healthiness is, and useful thinking and feeling, and what is the vehicle of change to go from unhealthy to healthy.

Many theorists looked long and hard at how pain, wounding, fear, and negative habits of the past shaped people’s decision-making, defense mechanisms, and worldviews. They also proposed what they believed were common traits of healthy thinking, responses, and outlooks, and then went to work to derive hypotheses and develop interventions that could become vehicles of change toward healing in some way.

Some looked at reducing the pain and negative symptoms, while others looked at becoming more flexible and accepting negative feelings, and changing one’s outlook about them.

Types of Trauma Therapy

Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

For example, TFCBT (trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy), which is an evidence-backed theory for how to help children and teens experiencing symptoms of post-traumatic stress, has a particular understanding of trauma and how to heal.

The theory lays out an eight-step protocol that starts with educating caregivers about trauma, teaching relaxation skills for a body wracked by trauma, acknowledging emotions around pain and loss for kids, helping enhance adaptive thinking about events, thoroughly describing events through one’s narrative and then incorporating these skills into day-to-day life with the help and support of a support network.

According to this theory, you must come face to face with the wound and address it in trauma therapy, learning new ways to calm the body, understanding the normal mental reactions to trauma, making sense of it, and beginning to readjust to living in the presence of or in the wake of a painful event.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

Another evidence-based method is called Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which is effective for individuals experiencing big overwhelming feelings in relationships, outbursts, and/or addictions, and also looks to address suffering and the conditions that drive us to act in unwanted ways.

“Radical Acceptance,” a sub theory in this method, suggests that until we wholly accept that a trauma or a wrongdoing occurred in all its detail, we will get stuck in suffering, thinking about why or why not, and why me. While not accepting what happened is understandable initially, over time, it becomes problematic.

The answer this theory offers, is to hold our emotions hand-in-hand with logic and cold hard realities, and find a middle ground of wise behavior called “wise mind” thinking, which listens to the feelings, needs, and urges of the emotional side and balances them with acceptance of fact, to synthesizes them into a new, more adaptive way of thinking. In this theory, neither trying to medicate away feelings nor accepting reality without feeling would benefit healing.

Acceptance And Commitment Therapy

Yet another evidence-based theory called Acceptance and Commitment therapy was based on its founder, Steven Hayes’ experience of having his panic attacks get worse the more he tried to avoid the panic he felt in those moments.

He came to realize that befriending the fearful thoughts, recognizing they were a part of him but not him in totality, and reminding himself of his values and desired path of life that he was committed to, even amid that pain, helped him come out the other side. Flexibility came when there was more than just one way to handle pain, so that he could accept it, and move on, learning along the way and staying true to his beliefs.

12-Step Groups

Lastly thinking of all 12-step groups which have been proven effective over many decades, acknowledging pain and the past, not shutting the door on it, and committing to a plan of action with steps that improve your relationship to yourself, to God and other people, has assisted millions of addicts twisted by avoidance of pain become people reforming into witnesses to their pain but in recovery toward wholeness as recovering addicts.

The Common Factor

What do all these approaches have in common? They don’t advocate avoiding pain in the healing process; they offer strategies to heal through the moments and seasons with pain in it, with acceptance, a different vision, and tools to emerge resilient and more of yourself than you would be if merely avoiding pain.

And still, I want to escape. I still want to escape pain, sadness, and wounding. I want to throw my hands up and ask, “Why?” And that’s okay – it’s human. But the question is whether I can refocus after I acknowledge the real pain I feel so that I can recover.

Bringing back the theological aspect, what might be God’s desire for my handling of this situation? Do we believe that God works all things into our lives for a reason to yield a certain result, if not desiring pain, at least allowing it?

Tim Keller, a renowned late pastor and writer, shared about a time he talked with a psychiatrist friend of his who was feeling stuck in a rut with his psychiatric training. He said one day he looked at his massive textbook and asked, “What if I read this textbook for Christ?”

Suddenly, the friend said, he was thirsty to learn, compare, make connections and insights for treatment out of a sense that he was learning for Christ, thus the fulness of his work was coming out of his response to the question “What if there is more to this textbook than a textbook?”

What if there is more to pain than pain? Keller also goes on in other sermons to describe how the secularized post-modern Western world has precious few resources for explaining, dealing with, and enduring distress. Since, in most of Western culture, pain is meaningless, it should be avoided as an ultimate evil, right?

Christ, as detailed in the Gospels, gave another view. That there “will be trouble” in the world, that pain and sin are inevitable, but that we should ask for deliverance from them at the same time.

As the Serenity Prayer (credited to a 1920’s German preacher Reinhold Niebuhr and read at many 12 step groups around the world) says, the prayerful person asks to start “Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.”

Trauma Therapy Reconsidered

Let us synthesize all of this. In the theology of pain and the healing therapies, we see both a universal issue and helpful ways through it. Be it Dialectical “Radical Acceptance,” CBT reorientation and resilience in facing hard things, or the twelve steps of becoming willing to accept a new path rather than the old one of avoidance and addiction, we see a strange, foreign theme emerge.

This theme is in contrast to avoiding pain and distress at all costs, which the world and our instincts ironically tell us is unavoidable. It is a theme of not clearing out from pain, but grasping it, acknowledging hardship and caring for ourselves in the midst of it, and taking the world as it is, not as we would have it, because that avoidance – that wishing for an alternative reality – keeps us in more pain and bitterness.

One last spiritual picture: If you are not familiar with the story of Job, it is a biblical account that starts with Satan coming to God and requesting to make life difficult for one of God’s chosen people, a blameless and upright man named Job. Satan, the accuser, tries to prove to God that Job, faced with stress, insult, fear, and pain, will surely curse God and not act blameless, for Job was only trusting God (said Satan), because of God’s kindness and material blessings.

What we see instead is a man who endured pain, but cried out to God in anger, but the key phrase is that he cried out “to God.” Job was a man who, though he experienced the pain, remembered to fix his eyes on God, and had faith that God can take our experience and raw expressions of pain and can provide healing and strength through it, not around it.

And the three therapies and the 12-step philosophy listed above all touch on different ways of bearing up underneath the burden of pain in this same way, attending to it rather than avoiding it.

Photo:
“Napping”, Courtesy of Daniel Martinez, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Easy Ways to Help Anxiety While Working at Home (and Being More Productive)

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“You sit at home and work?” He asked her as he fought the urge to raise a disapproving eyebrow. “Do you get any work done?”

She hated this question. It came up at least half the time she told someone she worked from home, especially if she told someone from an older generation. The stigma surrounding remote work often casts doubt on whether it’s as respectable or productive as being in an office. But anyone who has worked remotely knows that production isn’t dictated by location.

In fact, for many, working remotely boosts productivity. According to a study by Stanford Graduate School of Business, remote work increased productivity by 13% in 16,000 workers studied over nine months. But this potential uptick in productivity may come at the cost of an uptick in your anxiety.

Ways to Help Anxiety While Working from Home

To address this, we’ve put together some easy ways to help anxiety while working at home.

Be prepared While it might be tempting to work in your robe, the mindset shift is worth the extra effort to get dressed. It’s been proven over and over, getting dressed is like making the bed – it catapults you into productivity mode and lowers your mental load. You’ll also be ready for anything that comes your way, including stepping out to your local eatery over lunch or hopping on a quick video call with your boss.

Reduce distractions One of the downsides of working from home is the possibility of distractions. One of the ways to help anxiety is to create a distraction-free, dedicated work environment by removing visual distractions from your line of sight and making your space clutter-free.

If the mind gets distracted easily, set out a notepad to jot things down for work breaks and feel free to plan to get up and grab a coffee or a snack after you’ve completed one more thing off your work list, giving yourself the motivation to focus and finish it.

Create comforts Just as you would do your best to create a healthy working environment at your office, work toward creating a comfortable home workspace. This doesn’t mean lying in bed while you work, as that may hamper productivity. But it is wise to invest in a comfortable chair for your at-home office.

Listen to music if appropriate and even consider an under-desk foot massager. As long as these comforts of home do not hamper your productivity, take advantage of the solitude.

Set a schedule It’s important to be available when your work needs to be done. For this reason, it is important to set a schedule and communicate that schedule with your family or housemates. Being clear about when you are and, more importantly, are not available will help reduce tension in your relationships and help to keep others from distracting and interrupting you while you are working.

Plan for communication fails Nothing can be more frustrating than trying to get a hold of a boss or a coworker with no success. Be prompt in responding to emails, texts, and phone messages to set a standard of practice with your bosses and coworkers.

In addition to walking in your standard, it is okay to make a plan with your bosses and/or coworkers to address communication failures. This may include a plan for if you need to contact them about something you deem urgent, with multiple ways of contacting each individual, or it may simply be a conversation about categorizing priorities and understanding their needs and requirements of you.

Establish boundaries Another one of the important ways to help anxiety is to set boundaries with your family, friends, and co-workers. Be sure to communicate clearly what your needs and expectations are regarding your work and leisure hours. Having clear boundaries will help your loved ones hold appropriate expectations for your schedule and will help keep you from feeling guilty about keeping “off the clock” hours.

Seek help You may find it difficult to balance your home and work life. That’s understandable, especially if you have young children. If this is the case, you may find it helpful to hire a babysitter or nanny to come to your home during your work hours.

This helper can keep your children safe and engaged while you concentrate on your work commitments. Schedule time to touch base with your children throughout the day, such as eating lunch together. Even if you don’t have children, you may find it beneficial to hire a cleaning service or order take-out once in a while, just to give yourself a much-needed break.

Establish a routine (and include breaks) Just because you’re working at home doesn’t mean you don’t need a break. Schedule your allotted breaks throughout your day, just as you would if you were in a traditional office. Consider a standing desk or a walking pad. Have a healthy lunch, go for a quick walk, and stretch to help keep you physically fit and mentally calm.

Plan for pets While pets are wonderful stress relievers, they can also be a detriment to the remote worker. Plan your pet care time around your work time so your furry (or feathered) friend is content during your workday. Use your work breaks to take the dog for a walk or cuddle with your cat. If your best, four-legged friend interferes with your work time, consider hiring a pet sitter for work hours or a trainer to help address the interference.

Work outdoors If practical, consider grabbing your laptop and a cup of your favorite coffee and working from the comfort of your patio. The fresh air, nature’s sounds, and the warmth of the sun can do wonders to help calm you when stressed.

Leverage the power of technology Always be willing to try the technology that your company may offer to you. It may feel intimidating to learn a new app or approach, but chances are that many of your daily tasks can be streamlined through technology.

Even if your company doesn’t offer any tech support, consider introducing project management, communication, and collaboration tools to your superiors. You never know, maybe they will embrace that technology and thank you for your contribution.

Tackle difficult tasks first If you are allowed to prioritize your workload, consider taking on the most difficult tasks as the first part of your workday. It’s easier to do these more challenging tasks when you’re less stressed and rested. Save the easier tasks for later in your shift to avoid feeling overwhelmed.

Be deliberate in your communication One of the unfortunate elements of working remotely (and frankly, even in an office setting) is the lack of face-to-face interactions. We all know that miscommunication can happen when someone misinterprets the tone of a text or an email.

Be sure to not only proofread your communications for typos and accuracy, but also consider the tone and emotions that may be attached. Take your time in responding and re-read any reply after you’ve had a break before you press send. Misunderstandings within the workplace can be stressful and damaging, so do your best to communicate with clarity and deliberate words rather than sarcasm or words that could be taken the wrong way.

Educate yourself about time zones While this may seem like one of the more obvious ways to help anxiety, it’s surprising how many people forget about the importance of time zones when they’re working from home. If you’re working remotely, you may have to check in with a supervisor at a specific time or video conference with a client. It’s important to have a good working knowledge of the time zones so you’re not late (or three hours early) to your appointment.

Stay social As mentioned before, a big drawback of working at home can be the lack of face-to-face human interaction. Don’t become an isolated island just because you don’t go to a physical office. Stay connected with work buddies and friends through planned lunches or video conferences instead of only impersonal texts or emails. In your free time, plan to spend quality time with the people who matter the most, your friends and family.

The Bottom Line

With some planning and a few creative solutions, you can be just as or even more productive with less stress working from home than in a more traditional office space. If you need help sorting through the emotions of your dual role beyond these suggested ways to help anxiety, consider talking with a therapist who specializes in mitigating workplace stress.

“Yes,” she smiled. “I work remotely. And while I don’t go into a traditional office, I am still working a full-time job, being productive, and an asset to my company.”

Resources:
https://www.gsb.stanford.edu/faculty-research/working-papers/does-working-home-work-evidence-chinese-experiment
Photos:
“Three Women and A Phone”, Courtesy of Surprising_Media, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Woman and Dog”, Courtesy of RebeccasPictures, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Coffee and Cookies”, Courtesy of Pexels, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

3 Emotional Regulation Skills to Use When Negative Emotions Strike

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Children learn emotional regulation skills when they are young. Teachers and parents alert children when a negative emotion, such as anger or sadness, is out of control. If the child has difficulty regulating that emotion, the parent or teacher will institute a consequence to help the child calm down and discover healthy ways to react.

However, when people become adults, they have different accountability. What teachers and parents hope they teach well may become uncontrollable later in life. Little annoyances for an adult can explode into significant issues if left unchecked.

People must still use emotional regulation skills to respond to a situation appropriately, but only some have these skills. This can lead to inappropriate behavior, wreaking havoc on relationships.

3 Ways to Regulate Your Emotions

Here are three ways to regulate your emotions when damaging emotions strike:

Count quietly to gain emotional regulation

A teacher or parent may ask a child who is out of control with her emotions to count to ten. This is a strategy an anger management specialist might use with an adult who’s having difficulty regulating his anger.

It might seem strange for someone to begin counting to ten out loud during a fight with the spouse or for an angry person to use it during traffic. Counting silently to yourself when you feel your emotions bubbling over can be a great way to focus your attention, calm your mind, and control your emotions.

Counting can also help clear the mind of negative thoughts that may come out in language or other inappropriate ways. In some cases, more than counting to ten is required. The situation may cause them to have harmful anger or fear, which may cause them to count to a number much higher than ten.

Pick whatever number is appropriate until you can feel your emotions settle. The point is not to reach the goal of a certain number but rather to have a coping mechanism that you can use to regulate your emotions when you’re feeling rage bubbling over.

Pray for emotional regulation

Another excellent way to deal with negative emotions like fear or anger is to pray and ask God to help you control your emotions and respond with the fruits of the Spirit. Having the best, most appropriate response when conflict arises is always challenging. We know God always has a proper response.

Kindness or patience may be great alternatives to fear or anger in difficult situations. Sometimes, the Holy Spirit helps guide and direct us when we feel emotional and want to make an impulsive decision.

Calling on the Holy Spirit when a situation calls for it is good. However, praying about the problem or conflict with toxic people or situations is best before the crisis occurs. This will help curb the need to stop making impulsive decisions or decisions that would wreck a relationship.

Leave the situation

No matter how good our emotional regulation skills are, the other person with which we are embroiled in conflict may not share those same regulation skills. This lack of skills is especially true regarding a spouse or someone who knows us intimately. A person like this who wants to win an argument knows how to push your buttons to the point where you explode angrily.

Sometimes, an argument can drag on for so long that you get emotionally and physically exhausted, which inevitably causes an emotional explosion and a lack of regulation skills. If you’re not getting anywhere with someone and they’re not leaving you alone, it is best to leave the immediate situation. This is good for any situation that can become unexpectedly toxic.

If you can leave a situation when you feel you may say or do something you may regret later, this shows emotional maturity on your part. It is best to walk away despite what the other person may say, or you may have unresolved feelings from not resolving that situation. Walking away will save you unnecessary pain and additional feelings of anger, sadness, or grief if you say or do something that you later regret.

Although emotional regulation skills are taught at an early age, we need to continue utilizing those skills even into adulthood. Because so many people are angry today, it’s easy to allow negative emotions to explode and project them onto unnecessary victims.

With emotional regulation skills like the ones suggested above, you can come away from a situation feeling more at peace and have an opportunity to mend a relationship that, without emotional regulation skills, can be severed forever.

Christian Counseling for Emotional Regulation

If you need more help than you receive from the ideas in this article, seeking counseling may be the best step. The faith-based counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling in California can offer individual, couples, or family counseling for emotional regulation and the damaged relationships that a lack of regulation can cause. Contact our office today to learn more.

Photo:
“Edge of the Pond”, Courtesy of Unsplash+ Community, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Marriage: How Our Narrative Drives Our Experience

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Marriage is where our narrative drives our experience. The story we tell ourselves is not only the story we eventually believe, but one we influence others to believe as well. Marriages write a story about who we are and who our spouse is and we help write that narrative. It is important, then, to be discerning and protective over the narrative of your marriage.

Sarah fell in love with Greg. He was fun, spontaneous, light-hearted – just what her life needed. Little did she know how reckless that would seem later on. He was fun and light-hearted about everything. He never seemed to take finances seriously, despite her telling him how much it meant to her to be financially secure. He often fed the kids junk food while she worked hard to prepare nutritious meals.

He acted goofy and carefree in serious situations and when conflict arose, he was nowhere to be found. She couldn’t believe how untrustworthy he was. The other men in her life would never behave so carelessly. How could she have made such a terrible mistake in marrying this man?

He didn’t listen to her when she asked him to change. He didn’t care – he just kept doing whatever he wanted. She tried telling him over and over and he got mad at her! This was unbearable. Maybe it just couldn’t last. How could she live like this anymore? 

Most often, the story that is told is not the fullest or truest version. Whether the story is sugar-coated, created with rose-colored glasses (think, “love is blind”), or stripped of all goodness, it’s almost invariably biased. However, it’s the full story – the good mixed with the bad that will help couples build stronger relationships. This story – the one that sticks to the truth, both good and bad – will have the most positive impact on the couple and the individuals involved.

The impact of our narratives comes from what’s on the inside; the feelings and thoughts that drive our behavior. The range of effects can start with a simple lack of satisfaction with the relationship and lead to altering our behavior toward our spouse in one way or another (for example: hiding thoughts and feelings or conversely, acting outwardly upset with them).

What’s on the inside comes out: The Triad of Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors

Thoughts, feelings, and behaviors work together. So, if you are feeling and thinking one way, your behavior will reflect it in some way, even something as simple as the act of trying to hide your thoughts and feelings. Just the same, if you want to think differently about something stressful, you can choose a behavior that supports the thoughts and feelings you desire.

Thoughts

Our thoughts are indicated by our feelings and our behaviors. For example, if I am feeling happy and jumping up and down squealing, happy thoughts are typically there; or if I am active in what I enjoy and feeling good while doing it, my mind will be selective about thinking positive thoughts.

In the same way, our thoughts can influence our feelings and behaviors. If I am thinking about something stressful, I may be more tense/tight in my muscles, leading to a frown or a kink in my neck, and I may start to feel upset. This is also seen when our thoughts are focused on something as simple as a scary movie. We feel fear and become more jumpy.

Feelings

Our feelings are influenced by our thoughts and behaviors. Studies have shown that if I hold a pencil in my mouth, stretching my smile muscles, I can start to feel the release of happy chemicals. If I start to imagine I am in my happy place, I can start to feel relaxed.

Similarly, this can be seen when a person allows themself to think about times someone has wronged them. They will start to feel the weight of that wrong through sadness or anger and distance themselves from that person even in the middle of what was a good time together.

Feelings influence our thoughts and behaviors. If I am feeling sad, I may start to think that normal or fun things aren’t worth engaging in and may not get out of bed. Feeling angry can cause a failure to think about the future and consequently burn important bridges.

Behaviors

Behaviors are driven by our thoughts and feelings. When I am feeling nervous and thinking about a large crowd of people I am about to speak to, I may start to shake or bite my lip. If we are thinking positively about our spouse and feeling excited for them to come home, we will greet them with enthusiasm upon arrival or engage in special behavior based on those thoughts and feelings.

Behaviors influence thoughts and feelings as well. If I start to work out or jog, my mind clears and I feel more relaxed. As another example, if I do what is honorable and respectable, I can feel good about my behavior and think more steadily about my relationship.

Examining the Narrative We’ve Written

When one is not careful to examine the narrative they are holding about their marriage, challenging it through the careful examination of their heart and the Bible, they can bring about destructive patterns in their marriage that can ultimately lead to the destruction of their marriage.

Questions to Start With

So where does one start in examining the narrative they hold? Below are some helpful questions to ask oneself from Chris and Jamie Bailey of Expedition Marriage:

  • Is the story I’m telling myself true?
  • Is it the whole picture, or just one (my) side?
  • Have I left room for grace, communication, and understanding?
  • Is my perspective shaped more by past hurts than by what’s actually happening now?

Is the story I’m telling myself true?

This question lays an important foundation for checking facts against feelings and doing some work to gather details that may have been forgotten or otherwise skewed. If your feelings are driving a quick answer of “yes” try moving to ask if you’re 100% certain everything about your story is true.

Is it the whole picture, or just one (my) side?

Along with being certain everything in your narrative is 100% true, evaluating whether or not you are accounting for your spouse’s experience is important to paint the whole picture. This question challenges blame in the sense that it allows for owning your own part in whatever is working and whatever has not/is not working in your marriage.

This is akin to taking the plank out of your own eye first. Individuals have their commandments from God that do not depend on others to complete. They also have their own circle of control, so while we can write a narrative that implies our spouse has “made” us happy or miserable, it is important to explore both sides of the matter.

Have I left room for grace, communication, and understanding?

God instructs His children to be like Him in offering love, grace, mercy, being at peace with others as much as it depends on us, and forgiving others as He has loved us. Is your narrative placing you on the path of the “Unforgiving Servant” in Matthew 18? If so, you are on a path to destruction.

It is important to understand how a lack of grace, communication, and understanding can build bitterness which can destroy us. Allowing bitterness to grow throughout our narrative is going to hurt us, our relationship with our spouse, and our relationship with God.

Protecting the narrative we write about our marriage does not include sugarcoating the bad/ugly. It does not include glossing over it and hoping things will change. It includes the humble work of confession and prayer to God who is the changer of hearts.

If your narrative does not include room for grace, communication, and understanding, then your narrative may be keeping you from trusting God and following Him.

Is my perspective shaped more by past hurts than by what’s actually happening now?

The fact that we can craft a narrative means that we can edit and re-write our narrative. When asking this question, it is important to consider letting the past be the past and separating familiar feelings triggered by different events.

For example, one can feel safe and warm in their spouse’s arms when they first get married, building the narrative that when your husband holds you, he is loving you and keeping you safe. The same spouse may have become physically abusive and dangerous, yet all is forgiven as long as the message of the holding with a hug is communicated afterward.

I’m safer if I stay with this man, becomes the narrative. He loves me and doesn’t really want to hurt me. He’s sorry, the narrative builds. However, if we strip away our feelings and look at the situation, we can realize that differences between actions, behaviors, and intentions will tell a different story.

In the same way, when one spouse’s trust is broken, everything about the breaking of that trust is included in a new alert system. When their spouse is on their phone, they are doing something that will hurt them. If their spouse stays out too late, their spouse is untrustworthy. Because they are fighting over this issue, their relationship will never be okay.

Once you strip away the emotions, you can see whether you are simply being triggered by something familiar. The fight doesn’t equal the end of the relationship, because you and your spouse have more grace and can recover by resolving your differences. Phone use is normal and your spouse is more than willing to reiterate their love for you. Staying out too late may be part of normal involvement with this group/work/church/accountability partners/etc.

This question allows us to uncross the wires that were formed for survival once the crisis is over, allowing you and your spouse to change.

Getting Help To Sift Through The Narrative

Writing a true and full-scope narrative can be difficult when pain and emotions are involved. However, it is important for the sake of your marriage and future.

If you need someone to help walk you through these questions and to help write a strong narrative about your marriage, reach out to Orange County Christian Counseling on our website or at 949-281-3240 in the Southern California area. We are here to help.

Reference:
Expedition Marriage @ https://expeditionmarriage.org/
Photos:
“Handwritten Text”, Courtesy of Pixabay, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Sitting on the Road”, Courtesy of Peggy_Marco, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Spectacles”, Courtesy of Diana, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Typewriter”, Courtesy of Suzy Hazelwood, Pexels.com, CC0 License

A Helpful Mindset for Effective Group Therapy Sessions

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When people gather in groups, things tend to multiply. It’s like there’s a huge common pot, and as each person comes into the space, they put what they have into that pot, and it’s full before you know it. That’s one thing that makes the movie theater-going experience different from watching at home. Yes, other people can get annoying, but if you watch a movie with an amazing audience, it can enhance the experience tenfold. The same is true of group therapy.

Good things can happen in groups. In groups, we can multiply our talents, insights, skills, and capacity to be able to do more. However, groups can also be places where negative qualities get multiplied too. A quick look at the comment section of any video on the internet or at the kinds of conversations that take place in closed or private groups will reveal just how toxic these spaces and groups can be.

With that in mind, if you’re thinking about going for group therapy, is there a helpful mindset to go in with? Are there some things that will undermine the process of healing, not only for yourself but for others too?

A Brief Glimpse at Group Therapy

The term “group therapy” may or may not be familiar to you. Pop culture has probably done a lot of heavy lifting in promoting an idea of what group therapy is. Group therapy is an alternative and accompaniment to other forms of therapy like individual therapy sessions. In group therapy, a group of 5-15 people, are led by one or two therapists who guide the group in its discussions.

In group therapy in Huntington Beach, California, the therapists help to guide the discussion, keeping it on track and addressing salient points, as well as helping maintain a congenial atmosphere. Group sessions may meet once or twice a week for an hour each time. Much of the motive force behind the group lies in the group members themselves. Group members share their experiences dealing with certain issues, they address, challenge, and encourage one another.

In other words, for the group to function well, the group members must be willing to talk, share, and engage. Unlike individual therapy where the therapeutic alliance that helps lead to successful treatment is between the client and therapist, with group counseling, that therapeutic alliance is formed between the group members and their therapist(s). If group members aren’t invested in the process, it simply won’t work as well.

Part of what makes groups work well is their nature and composition. Some groups are closed, meaning that once sessions start, new members aren’t admitted. Some groups run for a limited time, while others have no fixed end date. These dynamics can shape how close group members feel toward one another, what they contribute, and how invested they feel in each other’s lives and successes.

A Helpful and Healthy Mindset

Group therapy is an organic thing – no two groups are the same, and a lot of that depends on who is in the group and what they are bringing to it. This doesn’t mean group therapy isn’t effective. On the contrary, it can be quite effective, especially for teens who are more likely to open up to other teens than an adult. Rather, it means the journey can be bumpy depending on the issues the group must contend with.

There are some qualities and characteristics that can greatly enhance the group therapy experience and others that can undermine it.

A helpful and healthy mindset to bring into group therapy might include the following:

Willingness to be open Group therapy works best when you’re willing to share. Sharing isn’t limited to talking about the issue that’s brought you to therapy. It also includes sharing strategies that have worked or failed to work for you in the past, and ideas that you are willing to try in the future.

Ability to grow All of us need growth in our lives. One of the outcomes of going for therapy is growth – you’ll be exposed to new and different people, diverse ideas and experiences about similar struggles, and more. Being able to grow means being able to jettison things that aren’t working and being willing to take criticism and other people’s ideas on board.

Willingness to listen One of the skills that group therapy draws out is your ability to listen to others. This is listening with empathy, not listening just long enough to create space to interject and offer advice. Others are also present seeking healing, and the space isn’t just about you.

Willingness to contribute Listening well, which can include asking clarifying questions, helps you contribute more meaningfully to the discussion. You can ask better-informed questions, add relevant commentary, and offer encouragement and valid critique where necessary. All this requires the basic desire to contribute to the wholeness and well-being of others.

Group therapy in Huntington Beach addresses a range of issues, including substance abuse and addiction, depression, anxiety, grief, and divorce, to name a few. Group members help each other on the path to wholeness, and the mindset you bring to the meetings can help or hinder that agenda. You don’t have to be the perfect group member to take part in or benefit from group therapy. Group therapy can help in the process of your own refinement.

Group Therapy in Huntington Beach, California

Regardless of the concerns or issues you may be struggling with; group therapy in Huntington Beach can be an integral part of your journey toward healing. Reach out to us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling in California to find out what groups are available to address your concerns.

Photo:
“Country Lake”, Courtesy of Sergei Gussev, Unsplash.com, CC0 License