Being One Flesh: Understanding Divorce in the Bible

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Our various experiences in life mark us in definite ways, but we are more than those experiences and our choices. The issue of divorce in the Bible can be difficult to wade into because when marriage becomes stained with pain, alienation, and dysfunction, the fallout can be devastating, not only to the people immediately involved but also to those that are connected to them in some way.

Many struggles arise around divorce including pain, guilt, a sense of failure, and other such challenges. It’s difficult to chart a path through our culture’s easy acceptance of divorce as just another reality of life, the heavy-handed treatment of divorced people within faith communities, and what the Bible has to say about it.

To be sure, it is an understatement that life after Eden is messy, and people’s hearts aren’t always aligned and driven by the same values and sense of purpose. Not one I’ve ever met in all of my practice as a therapist, nor in life, has ever declared that they got married with the idea that things were going to be horrible and they would get divorced at some point in the foreseeable future (of course, there can be someone out there with that idea, but I would call that a ridiculous attitude).

Divorce happens under widely varying circumstances, making it hard to speak to every one of them. The Bible speaks broadly about marriage and divorce leaving the principles found in there applicable to any and all.

One flesh.

The main picture that we have about marriage is that it is a union between two people that places them in a permanent covenant relationship. The first man and woman are brought into a relationship when God creates them; they are two distinct individuals whose differences complement each other while being equal in dignity. When God brings these two together, the man says:

“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame” – Genesis 2: 23-25, NIV

The two are now one flesh, which denotes intimacy as well as unity of purpose. There was no discord between the man and his wife, no selfishness, or hidden agendas. They are naked in front of each other, and there is no shame. Husband and wife are open and vulnerable to each other, without holding anything back.

The situation changes, of course, as Genesis 3 describes for us. Their disobedience to God means that they break the relationship between themselves and the Lord, but also within themselves. Now, shame floods into the picture and they blame one another, their circumstances, and God for what went wrong. Both husband and wife refuse to take responsibility for their part in disobeying God and they attempt to cover themselves up while trying to hide from God.

Instead of being for each other, they are now aggressively for themselves. This is the same pattern that persists to this day. We see in those brief verses a microcosm of the world we now live in, of the tensions between the joy of vulnerability and the pain of being betrayed by the very one that you are joined as one with.

We see in these verses the seeds of husbands and wives keeping secrets from each other, using their spouses for their own ends, betraying their commitment to each other, refusing accountability, pretending ignorance, hurting one another, being insecure or overbearing, resisting intimacy and taking advantage of that intimacy, and many other wrongs that plague our marriages and relationships today.

The innocence, fullness, richness, and depth of what was there at the beginning of creation is now somewhat lost to us. By God’s grace alone do we have the capacity to break free from committing these wrongs without stopping and love deeply the one we are bound to in marriage.

Does God allow divorce in the Bible?

The answer to this question is “it’s complicated.” In the Bible, we find not only examples of divorce, but instances where there seems to be permission to divorce (with certain ways dictated in how to go about it and for what reasons it may be permissible).

Being in a country where there is “no fault” divorce laws is far from the reflection of what God desires for His people in His Word. Instead of a permanent union between a husband and wife, the culture now encourages us to configure our relationships in whatever ways seem right in our eyes.

Therefore, it is important to look for the whole picture of what God is saying in His Word when you are asking to know the difference between right and wrong and already have your own ideal or culture’s very loud voice in your head.

By looking for the whole picture, we can avoid getting stuck in certain parts of Scripture that seem to fit our desires and miss the balancing Scriptures that complete His truth. Even those who study and teach the law have fallen into this trap. Here we see an example of this in a conversation between Jesus and some religious leaders from the book of Matthew:

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?  So, they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” – Matthew 19:3-9, NIV

f there is one thing that we can get from the study of being one flesh in the Bible, it is this: God hates divorce. While divorce is permissible, that wasn’t what God had in mind “in the beginning.” It is a compromise in a broken world populated by imperfect people with “hard hearts,” as Jesus put it.

Divorce undoes something intended to be permanent, so it is a grave thing to go through with or even to consider. The gravity of the decision is often mocked in our culture and even celebrated as both a right and a passage to freedom. In complete contrast, the Bible describes ending a marriage as the tearing of flesh.

It goes on in other passages to say, “’The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.’ – Malachi 2:16, NIV

Not disqualified.

One of the key things to remember as we seek understanding divorce in the Bible is that God’s grace toward us is abundant. Divorce happens for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, we make choices that aren’t wise or honoring to the Lord, and sometimes choices are thrust upon us that we wouldn’t have made.

This is where the search through Scripture is rightly expanded from the topic of marriage and being one flesh to divorce and what to do from there as a believer, to also God’s grace and our need for a Savior. The Lord knows our hearts, in all their depths. Jeremiah reminds us:

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? “I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.” – Jeremiah 17:9-10, NIV

God is all knowing and unchanging – which is difficult to relate to, as what we feel like and how we see things is constantly changing. God knows the whispers of our hearts, the deep pain residing there, and he offers comfort through truth amid our wandering and grief. Our perspectives and feelings won’t be what bring us healing, but instead our trust in God. God is gracious, and He is also righteous, which means He will not sugar coat the truth or sweep aside His law.

His plan for humanity and marriage was for that union to be permanent and exclusive, a mirror and reflection of His commitment to His people (Ephesians 5:31-33; Ezekiel 16; Revelation 21; Hebrews 11). Breaking a marriage is not what God desires, so the proper response is to mourn a divorce as tragic when it happens.

God also desires healthy relationships and healthy marriages – that is His plan for us – and He is well aware that the presence of sin and the hardness of our hearts often stand in the way of us doing what is best for us. Marriages all too often contain abuses of many kinds, and they are not always healthy spaces that promote human flourishing.

When a person gets divorced, whether with a heavy heart or frivolously, we must understand that the divorce doesn’t disqualify them from God’s grace or His love. It is in fact evidence of their very need of a Savior. The call is the same to all of us, single, married, divorced, or widowed, whatever our path has been to get to where we are today – to return to the Lord and to pursue fellowship with Him through Jesus Christ and by the power of the Holy Spirit.

We are reminded that “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1, ESV), and God’s people are given the Spirit by whom we can walk in obedience to the Lord. That Spirit leads us away from “sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these” (Galatians 5:19-21, ESV).

He leads us to “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things, there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires” (Galatians 5:22-24, ESV). We are then reminded that “If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit” (Galatians 5:25, ESV).

Our various experiences in life can both mark and define us, but we are more than those experiences and our choices. Thank the Lord that the God of the Bible is a God who renews and restores all things. It is my hope that this has helped you in understanding divorce in the Bible.

If you are in need of support through a difficult marriage, the difficult decision of divorce, or the aftermath of a divorce, feel free to contact me or one of the other Christian counselors in our online counselor directory.

Photos:
“Indecision”, Courtesy of PublicDomainPictures, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Committed”, Courtesy of Zoriana Stakhniv, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Open Bible”, Courtesy of Aaron Burden, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Pensive”, Courtesy of [ik] @invadingkingdom, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; 

Single Mom Help: Survival Tips from Other Single Moms

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Being a single mom can be stressful, lonely, and exhausting. Trying to do everything yourself may at times feel like a wild ride of time management stress and financial woes.

According to a 2018 Pew Research Center Analysis of U.S. Census Bureau data, one-third of all American children under the age of eighteen live in a single-parent home, and 81% of those single-parent homes are headed by a single mom. If you are a single mom, you aren’t alone in the struggles you face.

She has to have four arms, four legs,
four eyes, two hearts, and double the
love. There is nothing single about a
single mom. – Mandy Hale

Common single mom struggles.

  • Financial strain
  • Social isolation
  • Solo decision-making
  • Guilt
  • Fatigue
  • Never enough time
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Self-doubt

Following are some tips from single moms to help you address those struggles and make it through the tough times.

Survival tips from other single moms.

Reach out to family and friends. Being self-reliant may be necessary for many of the situations you face, but you also need the support of others. Don’t feel ashamed to reach out and ask for help when you need it, or to accept help when it is offered. Be specific about what you need. Some people may want to help but are not sure what to do.

Readjust your priorities. Know that you can’t do it all. There are only twenty-four hours in a day. It’s okay to take shortcuts and to have a less-than-spotless house. Not everything has to be perfect. Be realistic about what you can and cannot do, and learn to say no. Don’t beat yourself up for not being able to do everything and be everywhere.

Balance your schedule. Just because you are a single mom doesn’t mean your primary focus must be on work. Try to balance your schedule as much as you are able, and prioritize time spent with your children when you are not working. Quality time will always trump quantity time.

Make peace with the past. Don’t let your past define you or rule your life. You cannot change what you’ve gone through, but you can learn from it and use the strengths you’ve gained to make the best possible life for you and your child going forward. Try to stay positive, and create a peaceful, happy atmosphere in your home.

Set goals. Set goals for yourself so that you have something to which you can look forward. Even if it’s something as simple as a fitness goal, a reading goal, or finding a few moments to write in your journal before you go to bed at night, it will propel you forward.

Let go of guilt. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else, feel guilty that you have a fractured family, or feel discouraged about the things that are lacking or you can’t provide. It’s not the number of parents in the home, but the quality of the parenting that’s most important. Are your children loved and cared for? Is your home a happy place to be? That’s what matters most.

Be flexible. Be flexible when things don’t go as planned. Have a plan B to put into play if the children get sick, for example, or a babysitter cancels at the last minute.

Be organized. Being organized can help save time and keep things moving smoothly. Have consistent morning and evening routines so your children know what to expect on a daily basis.

Make the most of stolen moments. Make the most out of your time by taking advantage of small moments where you can squeeze work or personal tasks into commutes, or while you’re in a waiting room or at a sports practice.

Take time for self-care. Taking care of yourself is an important part of taking care of your children. It helps you build up the energy, stamina, and inner strength you need to avoid burnout and be the best parent you can be. Make sure you eat well, do some kind of regular exercise, and stay connected with friends. If you are healthy and happy, your children are much more likely to be so as well.

Live within your means. Raising a child on one income can be challenging. Track all your expenses for a month and then see where you can eliminate purchases or cut back on overspending. Use the list to create a budget and keep it updated so you can see how much money is coming in versus how much is going out.

Look for creative ways to save money, such as finding fun free activities to do with your children, as well as smarter ways of spending money, like making lists before going to the grocery store, looking for discounts or off-brand products, and/or shopping in bulk for things you use regularly.

Take advantage of available resources. Look into things you can take advantage of such as tax breaks you are entitled to on your tax return, and government-run programs and grants you may qualify for as a single mom.

Make friends with other single moms. Other single moms can relate to your situation better than anyone else. In addition to being friends, you can help each other out. Consider carpooling, for example, or swapping out a few hours of childcare.

Carve out some me time. Look for places that keep children entertained while you are doing something for yourself. A gym, for example, that has a supervised space for the children to play while you are at your exercise class, a play date at a friend’s home, or taking advantage of a Mom’s Day Out program sponsored by your local church are all good options.

Join a single-parent support group. Becoming a single parent can be a very lonely and isolating experience when you don’t know anyone else who is going through a similar experience. Joining a single-parent support group is a good way to connect with other single moms in a safe space where you can share your experiences and struggles, learn about available resources, and get advice, as well as tips and strategies for enhancing your parenting experience.

Find a trusted friend or mentor with whom you can brainstorm. Making tough decisions on your own can feel overwhelming and lead to self-doubt. Finding a trusted friend or mentor who shares your fundamental values with whom you can share ideas and get feedback can lessen your anxiety.

Have children help with tasks. Let your children know they’re needed, and give them real responsibilities to take care of in the home. It will save you time and will allow them to feel valued.

Work as a team. Have regular family meetings with your children. It will help them feel listened to, valued, and empowered. Work together as a team to set rules, solve problems, and come up with ideas for fun things you can do together.

Cling to God and seek His wisdom. Spend time reading your Bible and in prayer. When you’re having doubts and don’t know what to do, turn to God. You may not have all the answers, but He does, and you can always rely on Him. Remind yourself that He is faithful, and in control and that when you commit your life and decisions to Him, He will guide you in the way you need to go and give you the strength to cope with your current situation.

If you have questions and/or would like to set up an appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors in our online directory, please give us a call today. You do not have to walk this path alone.

References:

Brodwell, Laura. “6 Strategies for Single Mom Success.” Parents. October 3, 2005. parents.com/parenting/dynamics/single-parenting/6-strategies-for-single-mom-success/.

Maggio, Jennifer. “Being a Single Mom: 17 Surviving to Thriving Tips.” The Life Of A Single Mom. January 15, 2019. thelifeofasinglemom.com/being-a-single-mom-how-to-be/#.

Ward, Kate. “18 single mom survival tips from other single moms.” Care.com. March 16, 2021. care.com/c/where-to-find-help-for-single-mothers/.

Photos:
“Mother and Child”, Courtesy of Sir Manuel, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Mother and Child”, Courtesy of Hello Revival, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Mom and Children”, Courtesy of Hillshire Farm, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Mother and Children”, Courtesy of Jose Escobar, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Counseling for Spiritual Development: Faith in the Storm

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We can all recall times in our life when our faith was tested and we fell to our knees and asked, “Why is this happening to me?”

The reality is, we are offered two choices when something goes awry, 1) let our frustration turn to anger and steal our joy, or 2) get on our knees and ask God to use this situation for good.

  • Maybe your bills are behind, and you feel completely defeated.
  • Maybe your best friend just told you she is moving 2,000 miles away.
  • Maybe you felt so certain of your career calling and now that calling feels so foreign.
  • Maybe your parents are now in an assisted living facility or have asked to move in with you to help with long-term care.
  • Maybe your spouse is deployed or is a first responder struggling with PTSD.
  • Maybe you have a child with special needs and feel so tired and overwhelmed, you do not know where to turn.
  • Maybe you have been battling thoughts of depression but are so overwhelmed and filled with guilt, you do not know how to ask for help.
  • Maybe you are the parent of a newborn trying to figure out how to function with no sleep, emotions are overwhelming and foreign, and have an unfinished to-do list that could reach the moon.
  • Maybe you are feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders and feel like you are succumbing to the darkness and do not know how to let the light back in.

Take a long, deep breath. Put your hand over your heart and remember that God created you. He created you, loves you, and wants the very best for you.

As you walk through whatever obstacles are on your current journey, take to heart these reminders of God’s plans for you:

God’s Word says He will not abandon you.

Isaiah 41:10 reminds us, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

  • You might feel alone in the waiting room as you await test results.
  • You might feel alone as you hear the words, “You experienced a miscarriage.”
  • You might feel alone if your spouse is struggling with PTSD.
  • You might feel alone as you long for that pregnancy test to finally read “positive.”
  • You might feel alone as you walk the entryway to knock on the door to have a long overdue conversation with someone you have been distant from/angry with.
  • You might feel alone in the shower as the tears stream down your face after a terrible bout of depression.
  • You might feel alone as you sit with a pile of overdue bills, wondering how in the world things are going to be okay.

Rest assured, dear one – you are not alone.

  • God is in the waiting room, ready to hold your hand.
  • God is present for the awkward and uncomfortable conversations, ready to set the tone and soften hearts.
  • God is with you while your spouse is deployed, ready to give you a peace that comes only from Him.
  • God is with you as you battle anxiety, ready to comfort you and strengthen your faith and dependence on Him.
  • God is with you during the middle-of-the-night rocking and feeding sessions with a newborn, ready to give you the strength to endure another sleepless night.
  • God is ready to comfort you during those moments of defeat.
  • God is ever-present through every season and feeling that we endure.

Affirmations for faith

Write these down and memorize them as a reminder that God is right there with you through this tiring season:

  • I can take things one step at a time. (Matthew 6:34)
  • I know God’s love and spirit will guide me through this uncomfortable season. (John 16:13)
  • I am thankful for the gift of today. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
  • I know that God loves and cherishes me. (Isaiah 54:10)
  • I believe in God’s endless possibilities for me. (Luke 1:37)
  • I am open and willing to receive all the ways God wants to bless and teach me. (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

We must arm ourselves with God’s Word to build faith.

If there is one thing that we can be certain of, it is that Satan wants us to feel defeated. He wants us to wallow in the guilt and frustrations that come our way and make us feel inferior. He wants us to feel depleted, alone, and insignificant.

1 Peter 5:8 reminds us, “Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.”

  • You are not alone.
  • You are not too broken.
  • You are not damaged goods.
  • You are not too weak.
  • You are worthy of love.
  • You are special, unique, and beautiful!

When Satan tries to whisper lies, you need to be dressed in your “spiritual armor.” Spending time in God’s Word, memorizing Scripture, having community with other believers, and spending time talking to God are all powerful weapons to stand up and ward off the lies Satan tries to tell you.

If this feels overwhelming, take baby steps.

Read the Bible.

Download a Bible app and start by looking at the verse of the day. There are unique plans you can search by topic (anxiety, depression, hope, healing, etc.). This is a wonderful and guided way to get in the Word without feeling too overwhelmed with where to start.

Find an accountability partner.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 says, “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” It is essential to have other believers to encourage us, pray for/with us, and walk alongside us in life. The world is dark, and we need to find rays of sunshine wherever we can. Serve with your accountability partner. Have in-depth and authentic conversations where emotional barriers are torn down. Attend a Bible study together.

Try the “one step” mindset.

When life and circumstances feel overwhelming, take the one step approach. Take things one day at a time. Approach the person you feel distant from with one conversation. Start tackling your debt one bill at a time. Start trying to reconnect with your spouse one intentional moment at a time. Chase your God-given passions by simply taking the first step – sign up for the class, sign up to serve, or start writing a book by just sitting down for one hour at a time.

Address the things you have been ignoring.

I think we all have a desire to simply “leave things alone” and from there, the problems will disappear. While God does have perfect timing for our life and circumstances, we must trust Him with the process by surrendering our worries to Him. We must choose healing for our past wounds.

The baggage from your past can range from unhealthy habits and coping mechanisms, to negative self-talk, to enduring the pain and shame from trauma. You do not have to walk this road alone. Do not let Satan tell you that the things that have happened to you are keeping you from following God’s beautiful purpose for your life.

Moving forward in faith.

You can begin this new journey of moving forward instead of hiding your past.

Start journaling. Write down the things you are thankful for, looking forward to, and the things that have been holding you down and trying to steal your joy. You might find that writing it down really helps you process your thoughts and reset your focus.

Remember that you are not alone. God is with you, and He puts people in your path to help you move forward in your faith and healing journey. Today is the perfect time to schedule a counseling session with a counselor at our office who wants to help encourage and equip you to move forward with a faith that can withstand the storms of life.

Find the glimmers of hope. No matter what storm you are facing right now, look for the glimmers of hope – the meal that someone drops off, the kindness of a random stranger, the timeliness of a message at church, the anonymous gift card that is left in your mailbox. Find the glimmers and try to send some glimmers to those around you.

Photos:
“Woman with Lamp”, Courtesy of Guilherme Stecanella, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “My Cup Runneth Over”, Courtesy of Jon Tyson, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Reading the Bible”, Courtesy of Timothy Eberly, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Woman With Bible”, Courtesy of Joel Muniz, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Questions for Building Emotional Intimacy

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Emotional intimacy can provide some of the most enriching and gratifying aspects of your life. When a relationship includes emotional intimacy, it can provide joy, comfort, and support. It is through emotional intimacy that you are able to strengthen the bond of the relationship and marriage even further,deepening your connection and allowing you to better understand what each other wants, needs, and desires.
In order to help you build emotional intimacy, we have compiled a list of questions you can ask each other. You can ask these questions in turn and at a time when you are both relaxed. You may be surprised at what you discover.

Questions to ask and how to ask them.

Keep in mind that you are merely asking questions, not interrogating your spouse. You can ask a question by leaning forward and making eye contact while waiting for the response. Like you would with your best friend, pay attention to the response and respond with as little judgement as possible. The goal is to make a safe space for the two of you to connect. When your spouse gives a nod or a smile, mirror his or her facial expressions and verbal cues.

Asking thought-provoking questions to build emotional intimacy.

When you begin a new relationship, or seek to grow a lasting marriage, you want to learn as much as you can about the other person. But sometimes you don’t know how to move from the lighter stories to the more serious topics. It can be difficult to get personal if you’ve never done so or are out of practice.
This list was created to help you get started and stress less about the “what” in talking. It’s okay to acknowledge the awkward feeling, and then remind yourself of the end goal—to get to know the other person (again).

With which member of your family do you feel closest?

This query can reveal a lot about a person’s family dynamics and the people he or she feels the safest around. This question doesn’t feel as probing or complicated as inquiries like “Tell me about your family” or “Did you have a happy childhood,” even if he or she had a complicated family or childhood.
You might also discover what makes someone feel loved or accepted. Is it because an aunt always listens? Is it because a sister or brother makes him or her laugh? Does he or she feel closest to mother because she never discounted his or her feelings?
Knowing how he or she experiences love will help you build a stronger foundation for your relationship. Additionally, it will take a lot of the guesswork out of what he or she needs from you.
Your relationship will struggle to advance if he or she doesn’t value it (or are even suspicious of it) in the way you may think you’re showing him or her your love.
On the other hand, you can make him or her feel safe and respected once you start expressing your love in the ways that he or she needs it.

What qualities do you think characterize a wholesome union?

Learn about his or her expectations for the relationship and what he or she considers to be healthy by exploring why your significant other admires those things about a relationship. You can also find out who has served as a good example of a relationship he or she aspires to emulate and if he or she sees that happening for the two of you.

What are you currently passionate about?

Learn what is important to your loved one and how he or she spends free time. Express interest in sharing his or her passion once you have learned about it. Don’t forget to acknowledge his or her enthusiasm!. You have the chance to be the one to support and encourage your significant other. This is something you don’t want to miss out on. We all appreciate support and encouragement, so being that for your spouse/significant other is important.
This doesn’t mean you have to change everything about yourself and spend all your time doing what the other enjoys. Instead, it means opening up to new things, within reason, and making a measurable effort to listen to, engage with, or physically show up and support the other person in these areas. If it is something you are not comfortable with, this is an important topic to explore further with your significant other.

Who in your life can you always rely on?

This person holds a significant place in his or her life. It may be a best friend from elementary school or a fun aunt or uncle. You can learn about your loved one’s struggles, successes, and even regrets by asking him or her to share some of the times the significant person came through for him or her.

What is something about you that most people don’t know?

To encourage your loved one to share something personal about himself or herself, ask a fun question. This question can help you both become more intimate by encouraging self-disclosure from the other person, whether they give you a humorous or serious response. Remember, judgement doesn’t have a place here when you are working to understand and listen to your significant other.

What is a flaw in another person that annoys you?

A person will be judgmental and critical of what he or she perceives to be a weakness. This is an intriguing question because it reveals things that person finds frustrating in other people (and in himself or herself). With this response, you’ll learn a little bit about what he or she values most.

What do you like to do best after work?

After work, does he or she always hang out with friends? Does he or she prefer returning home to unwind on the couch? Does he or she go to the gym or walk the dog every evening?
Learn what he or she does to unwind. This may reveal whether a person is more introverted or an extrovert who gets energized by being around other people. You might also gain some insight into his or her approach to dealing with stress, which can serve as a clue to their stress level in the future. Take this question as an opportunity to encourage your loved one by helping them engage in this activity at least once a week.
If it seems to be out of balance, happening most days of the week at the cost of other obligations or your own desires, you can follow up this question with: “How can I help you de-stress and enjoy coming home from work and still be a part of the family/still have some ‘us’ time now and then?”

What causes you stress?

Encourage your loved one to talk about stress while listening sympathetically. Ask, “What stresses you most about that,” if you don’t know why something is causing him or her stress. You’ll gain more insight into his or her reactions to his or her environment, both at work and at home, as a result. If he or she seems discouraged, think of ways to cheer him or her up.
It’s important to remember that just because someone has an unprocessed wound from the past, doesn’t mean that they are excused from growing and treating you well. But be aware that it might affect how he or she treats you, particularly if it isn’t a problem he or she is currently trying to solve.

What would be your ideal day?

Why not structure the ideal date around your loved one’s response to this question? You’ll demonstrate to him or her that you paid attention to what he or she had to say and that you don’t depend on him or her to always be catering to your desires.

How do you see our relationship honoring God?

This question allows your significant other to explore the triad that is evident between a husband, wife, and God. It gives a beat to redefine what is most important in the relationship. It also grants you the opportunity to hear what has been on your significant other’s mind spiritually.
What have you learned about relationships from your parents?
Answering this question sheds light on each other’s upbringing and lessons learned along the way. There’s a chance you may come across a nugget you’ve never heard before and add it to your annex of wisdom regarding your loved one.

When was the last time you cried?

This is an exercise in vulnerability. Sharing the moments that made you cry requires openness and trust. Take note of any emotional triggers or sensitive subjects.

Have your friendships taught you anything about romantic relationships?

Your friends are often the main constant in your life, especially childhood friends. Not only are they there for you when you are in relationships, they also count on you when they are in one themselves. There are many lessons to learn from these past friendships, and this question allows you to hear what has impacted your significant other’s perception of romance the most.

What does work-life balance mean to you?

The answer to this question speaks to the priorities your partner holds. Is money more or less important than spending quality time? Is he or she skewed more toward working hard or living life to the fullest?

What was the most surprising thing you learned about me?

People begin relationships by putting their best foot forward and presenting the best version of themselves. Over time, the façade evaporates, exposing some surprising aspects of their character, for better or worse.

When was the last time you laughed so much you cried?

This is a chance to explore each other’s sense of humor and share a laugh in the process.

In what ways do you think we’re similar?

Find out what your significant other believes the two of you share in common. You don’t have to be twins, but it’s always endearing to discover how much the other person perceives you are alike.

In what ways do you think we’re different?

Celebrate your individuality while you revel in your relationship. Healthy relationships are characterized by interdependence, not co-dependency.

What did you want to be when you were a child?

There’s a part of your childhood self that stays with you for life. Sharing your childhood dreams may seem irrelevant now, but it will bring you closer together.

Christian counseling for emotional intimacy.

It is our sincere hope that these questions help you build emotional intimacy with your romantic partner. If you still struggle with emotional intimacy in your relationship, you can contact us and schedule to speak with a Christian counselor. Your counselor can equip you with tools to strengthen your relationship and build the lasting intimacy you are seeking.

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“Loving Couple”, Courtesy of StockSnap, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Smiling Couple”, Courtesy of PeterpenPhoto, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “A Shoulder to Lean On”, Courtesy of Nathan Dumlao, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Bridge”, Courtesy of Shea Rouda, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Christian Divorce: Four Considerations

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Even though divorce is a common occurrence in our society, many Christians who are in unhappy marriages find it to be morally troubling. Do they continue to have an unhappily married couple for the sake of a vow or covenant? Or do they take a contrary course of action and file for divorce? Christians may feel stuck between no longer feeling committed to an unsalvageable marriage and being unable to move forward with a new life due to the stark choices. Scripture makes it clear time and time again that marriage is a lifetime commitment. Jesus said of the marriage between a man and a woman, “They are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, let nothing be divided that God has joined together” (Matthew 19:6, NIV).

 

Concerning divorce, Christians have the following questions:

  • Do Christians who divorce sin?
  • Do they send themselves to hell by doing this?
  • Do they have to endure an unloving, unhealthy union?
  • Do Christians have any exceptions to the prohibition against divorce?

Some of these challenging questions do not have clear solutions; there is still tension. Only the most extreme circumstances allow for the end of a marriage.

Sometimes the best a Christian can do when faced with a marriage that may be beyond saving is to look for God’s direction in the Bible, consult with reliable friends who are familiar with the circumstances and pray together for the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Divorce: What the Bible says

First, let’s think about what the Bible says. The only divorce-related law in the Old Testament is found in Deuteronomy. Here, a law allowing divorce is given to the Israelites. If a man feels that his wife “does not please him” and “she is free to marry another man,” he may write her a “document of divorce.” (Deuteronomy 24:1-2, NIV).

Many theologians agree that this law was given as a means of protection to people who are in a situation that deals with divorce and/or remarriage. Opinions vary about whether this law was intended to justify divorce and/or remarriage.

In the New Testament, Jesus first presents a more complex answer to this query. “Is it legal for a man to divorce his wife for any reason?” the Pharisees inquire to Jesus in Matthew 19:3. This verse is preceded by the phrase, “The Pharisees came and tried to trap [Jesus] him,” by asking Jesus to give a clear-cut response that would reveal His position on the divorce law that Moses provided in Deuteronomy. But Jesus is aware of their intentions and hardened hearts.

Jesus quotes Genesis rather than responding to their query and adds, “Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Jesus uses this as an opportunity to elaborate on the law of Moses and explain why divorce is not what God intended as the Pharisees’ questions continued.

Jesus says, “Divorce was not what God had originally intended; Moses only permitted it as a concession to your hard hearts. Anyone who gets a divorce and gets remarried is an adulterer. Jesus said that God’s standard is higher than the law and that God intends that there should never be a divorce.

The situation here is comparable to Peter’s inquiry about forgiveness to Jesus in Matthew 18. “How many times should I forgive,” wondered Peter, “seven?” However, Peter wasn’t seeking an answer like the Pharisees. Jesus recognized his attempt to elevate himself and saw right through it. In response, Jesus said that God’s standard would be to pardon someone seventy-seven times.

This is a real-life illustration of what Jesus demands of us. He doesn’t want a resentful heart. He opposes our checking the box. He wants us to exert every effort to find Him. We are to pursue Him with a sincere heart that is a sacrifice to Him.

Four things to consider about Christian divorce

We shouldn’t file for divorce just because our marriages aren’t giving us everything we want. No one can meet our lofty expectations because they are so high. You can become disappointed in your partner because they’re not as romantic, ambitious, spiritual, or handy as you would like them to be, and you become disappointed because you see someone else who is.

It is easy to become contemptuous or critical or disappointed rather than being grateful and appreciative of what you already have, but a disappointing or challenging marriage is no grounds for divorce, but rather for faithfulness.

Christian divorce is neither encouraged nor promoted by the Christian faith. It does not lightly or casually accept divorce, but in some cases, it does permit it. A hint of why this is can be found in the creation metaphor of “becoming one flesh.” God wants a married couple to grow spiritually, emotionally, and physically close to the point where they are “one flesh.”

The four “A’s” – Adultery, Addiction, Abuse, and Abandonment – are the most frequent causes of broken marriages, though only two of them are biblical grounds for Christian divorce.

 

1. Adultery

One breakdown that Jesus specifically mentions is adultery. Marriages have been destroyed by infidelity throughout history. Adultery strikes right at the heart of the marriage covenant and so, while it does not require divorce, it at least grounds for it.

2. Addiction

Addiction will engulf everything in its path if treatment is not received. The drug or alcohol addict puts their addiction before their marriage, kids, and job. While this may be a cause for temporary separation to protect themselves and their children, addiction is not a biblical reason to end the marriage permanently.

3. Abuse

Most frequently, we think of physical abuse. However, it can also be verbal and emotional. Does your partner treat you differently when you’re alone than when they’re around other people? Does your partner insult, denigrate, or bully you? These are merely a handful of instances of non-physical abuse.

Sincere couples will work to address these issues because ongoing abuse can destabilize and harm a marriage. The “oneness” that God intends for marriage is violated when a spouse is repeatedly and unrepentantly harmed – physically or emotionally – and if left unattended, can result in brokenness.

Like with addiction, it may be a cause for temporary separation to protect themselves and their children. However, although abuse is a tragic and even dangerous sin, it is not clear from the Bible that it is a legitimate ground for divorce.

4. Abandonment

And finally, abandonment may result in brokenness. According to the Apostle Paul, in the case of a Christian who is abandoned by an unbelieving spouse, the Christian is not obligated to try to preserve the marriage at all costs and is free to remarry if deserted.

Regardless of the reason for divorce, a marriage can feel like an empty shell that no longer upholds God’s ideal of “oneness.” Marriage is, after all, about coming together rather than breaking apart, and was intended to be a blessing by God, but human sin frequently turns marriage into an intolerable burden. Though sin always works against God’s design for marriage, there are only two situations in which the Bible permits divorce.

Consider speaking with a Christian counselor if you are a Christian in an unsatisfactory or dangerous marriage. A Christian counselor can help you explore your options.

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28 Verses to Help Make Sense of Anger in the Bible

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The relationships you have with yourself, others, and events that take place all impact your emotions. Human beings are designed with the capacity to feel, and you are often led by your emotions. This can be relatively harmless, but depending on the emotion and its intensity, your life can be derailed by emotive decision-making. That’s not a strike against emotions – they are a vital part of who you are as a being made in the image of God.

However, emotions, just like reason, should not be given free rein but must be brought under the authority of God’s Word. For example, the Bible warns of the dangers of holding onto emotions such as anger because they can negatively affect your heart and your relationships with people around you.

If someone breaks into your car, or a colleague takes credit for your idea, or your child defies you, or you find out that your spouse has been unfaithful, it can provoke anger. Even if your anger is appropriate, what you do with it matters. You need to be able to feel what you feel while not being controlled by it, letting it get out of hand, or leading you into bad decisions – in short, without letting it become anger that leads you to sin.

The Bible has many stories, aphorisms, and warnings about sinning in anger and what can happen if you give in to it. While giving full vent to your anger might feel empowering in the moment, in its wake you may regret the broken relationships or even violence (which has legal and other consequences).

And while many things ought to stir our anger and move you toward appropriate action, chances are your anger is far too often directed toward things that are best categorized as inconveniences, such as bad traffic or long lines at the grocery store, eye rolls and an upset tone. In such situations, it is appropriate to ask yourself whether your angry reaction is helpful and appropriate, or whether it is sin.

Anger in the Bible.

Below are some verses about anger in the Bible from both the Old and New Testaments to help you reflect on your anger and learn a few ways to bring that anger under control. One important point to make beforehand is that there are many instances in which people struggle with anger to the point where they have anger issues.

There are many causes of anger issues, and while all are within the control of the person, not all of them are equally easy to deal with. While this calls for a bit of sensitivity when responding to other people’s anger issues, the Bible makes clear that being controlled by anger is always a sin. “The fruit of the Spirit is…self-control…” (Galatians 5:22-23).

God’s anger vs. our own.

God is a righteous judge, a God who is angry at evil every single day. – Psalm 7:11

Looking around at them with anger, deeply grieved at their unyielding hearts, he said to the man, ‘Stretch out your hand.’ So, he did, and his hand was made healthy. – Mark 3:5

But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. – Psalm 86:15

The Lord responded, ‘Is your anger a good thing?’ – Jonah 4:4

These verses make it plain that God does get angry, but what angers God is evil. The last verse is found in the book of Jonah. The prophet was angry with God because was gracious to the Ninevites when they turned from their evil ways and repented.

Jonah had hoped God would destroy the Ninevites and became angry because of God’s graciousness. God asks Jonah if his anger towards the people of Nineveh was justified. Be careful to allow the Lord to tell you if your anger is justified or not.

Anger has consequences.

People with a hot temper do foolish things; wiser people remain calm. – Proverbs 14:17

But I promise you that if you are angry with someone, you will have to stand trial. If you call someone a fool, you will be taken to court. And if you say that someone is worthless, you will be in danger of the fires of hell. – Matthew 5:22

A man of wrath stirs up strife, and a man given to anger causes much transgression – Proverbs 29:22

Don’t give in to worry or anger; it only leads to trouble. – Psalm 37:8

Keep your temper under control; it is foolish to harbor a grudge. – Ecclesiastes 7:9

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. – Proverbs 15:1

Because churning milk makes curds, squeezing the nose brings blood, and stirring up anger produces strife. – Proverbs 30:33

Violent people entice their neighbors and walk them down a path that isn’t good. – Proverbs 16:29

Everyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that murderers don’t have eternal life residing in them. – 1 John 3:15

As with all other emotions, what you do when under the influence of anger matters. Not only does giving in to anger likely lead to more anger and strife, but it can lead you toward a poor standing before the Lord. This is a sober warning for  God’s people to not let your anger devolve into a deep grudge or hatred.

Be careful who you associate with.

Those who control their anger have great understanding; those with a hasty temper will make mistakes. – Proverbs 14:29

Insightful people restrain their anger; their glory is to ignore an offense. – Proverbs 19:11

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man quietly holds it back – Proverbs 29:11

Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered. – Proverbs 22:24

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. – James 4:1-2

Hotheads stir up conflict, but patient people calm down strife. – Proverbs 15:18

The Bible calls those who give full vent to their anger “fools.” When you read the word “fool,” it would be a mistake to think of someone who merely makes bad decisions. Rather, the book of Proverbs takes great pains to show the fool to be the one who refuses to live their life according to God’s commandments. The fool, in other words, is a sinner.

Who you hang out with matters. Your friends have an influence over you, and you can easily absorb and replicate unhealthy behaviors such as giving full vent to your anger. If you want to learn wisdom, hang out with wise people. Don’t hang out with fools who let their anger get the better of them. This is especially true if you think you’ll be their friend so that they will be won over to Christ by the light you share-it doesn’t work like that.

Instead of anger, cultivate positive emotions and actions.

If you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin, and do not stay angry all day. – Ephesians 4:26

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say. – Ephesians 4:29

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. – James 1:19-20

Therefore, I want men to pray everywhere by lifting up hands that are holy, without anger or argument. – 1 Timothy 2:8

Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings of any sort. – Ephesians 4:31

But now set aside these things, such as anger, rage, malice, slander, and obscene language. – Colossians 3:8

Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man. – Proverbs 22:24

As for parents, don’t provoke your children to anger, but raise them with discipline and instruction about the Lord. – Ephesians 6:4

Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Against such things, there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. – Galatians 5:19-26

Anger is such a powerful emotion that it’s not enough to simply refrain from unleashing it. God doesn’t ask you not to be angry. Instead, you  can cultivate other actions and attitudes to help yourself react in more productive ways. As the last verse indicates, this isn’t something you do by yourself, but you are to be guided by the Holy Spirit. Spiritual formation is a lifelong pursuit that takes place in community with others.

Conclusion

If you’re looking for additional support beyond these verses about anger in the Bible, Christian counseling can help. If you struggle with anger and your life and relationships have been negatively affected by anger, seek help from a mental health professional such as an anger management therapist. They will help you understand not only the roots of your anger but give you guidance in developing tools to curb your anger and keep it in check.

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3 Stories of Worry in the Bible to Remind You that You Are Not Alone

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Depending on your season of life, worry may come and go. If you are facing a life-altering decision, you may worry that you’ll make the wrong choice. When parents have children, they might worry about their children’s lives and how they will turn out. No matter where you are today, it can be encouraging to know that we have somewhere to look when we are struggling with worry. There are many stories of worry in the Bible, and in this article, we will examine three of them: Naomi, Martha, and Jonah.

Stories of Worry in the Bible

The stories of Naomi and Jonah are from the Old Testament, while Martha’s story is in the New Testament. We see that worry isn’t escapable across the breadth of the Bible except by turning to God.

In all three stories of worry, the answer didn’t necessarily lie in the problem being solved, the day going just as planned, or the way ahead being easy. The answer was found in the promise of a God who loves and provides for His people.

What does worry in the Bible mean?

The word worry in the New Testament is a Greek word, “merimnao,” which translates to anxiety. It is a combination of two words, merizo, which means “to divide” and nous, which means “the mind.” So when we think of worry or anxiety, we know it divides our minds.

It keeps us from being present, it can steal our joy, and it can rob us of peace. But the good news is that God has prepared a script for us – a story in each of these people’s life that shows us a way to find Him in the midst of our anxious thoughts.

Naomi’s story

Naomi expressed the pain she was feeling because of life’s hardships. She had lost both of her sons, and she was in a position where she had nothing except the two daughters-in-law who were left. She assured them they needed to return to where they were from so that they could be with their families of origin after both of their husbands died.

She said she wanted her name to be changed to Mara due to feeling embittered in her relationship with God. She knew that He had dealt her hand, so to speak, and it was less than desirable; it was marked with pain, sadness, and grief.

In addition to the loss of her sons, Naomi had no grandchildren – which could have signified a curse or, at the very least, lack of God’s blessing – and there was a widespread famine. If she wanted to blame God for her worries and woes, she certainly had reason.

Don’t we all feel that way sometimes? We think, “If only God would change this, my worries would clear up. Maybe if God takes this circumstance and makes it lighter, I will feel better about my life.”

So what happened to Naomi? What got her through the worry with which she struggled? Her daughter-in-law Ruth had faith and loyalty that spurred Naomi on toward a new place to live and the belief that something or someone could redeem the hardships she’d endured.

The end of Naomi’s story is that she did end up having a grandchild, and her daughter-in-law married a man who they discovered was actually a distant relative. They had food to eat and newfound security. Naomi’s grandson would become the father of Jesse, the father of David, who was in the family lineage of the ultimate Redeemer, Jesus.

What can we learn from Naomi’s struggle? We can learn to lean on others’ faith when we are struggling with our own.

There will be times in life when your friends and family members, a church service, or a pastor may need to call you from your worry and show you what God can do. Let them. When we try to hide our fears or worries from others, it doesn’t help us, and it does not allow the love of God to flow through them to our hearts.

To read more about Naomi’s story of worry in the Bible, and the redemptive ending, go to the book of Ruth.

Jonah’s story

The book of Jonah comes as the fifth book in a group of twelve that bear the names of minor prophets. Unlike the other minor prophets’ stories, which told about their oracles, the one about Jonah talks about his life as a man.

We can take great comfort from his struggle to decide: follow what God was leading him to do or take a more predictable and perhaps more peaceful route. Jonah’s worry could be summed up in a two-word question: What if?

  • What if I obey and something bad happens to me?
  • What if I do this thing God is asking and it angers a group of people?
  • What if I fail or chicken out at the last minute?
  • What if the place where I am going is hostile to me and rejects me?

It’s easy to let these two little words spin our minds into worry. Let’s look at Jonah’s story of worry in the Bible and how he overcame it.

In Jonah 1, when God proclaimed His love and mercy for a people that Jonah hates, the Ninevites, we can imagine how Jonah felt: betrayed, unworthy of God’s favor, and abandoned by God. Have you ever felt unworthy of God’s favor? Abandoned by God?

It’s not surprising that Jonah surrendered to his fear and hatred of the Ninevite people and ran in the opposite direction after God told him to specifically share about His love and mercy in Nineveh. Jonah boarded a ship to Tarshish, far from Nineveh, where he met some pagan sailors.

His worry was taking him away from the Lord and away from the calling God has placed on his life. As we see in this part of Jonah’s story, his worry forced him to confront his own pride.

While on the ship a great storm brewed, and the sailors recognized it as a spiritual storm. They called on Jonah, their new shipmate who happened to be sleeping at the time, and they asked him what he thought they should do. What seems like a noble instruction on Jonah’s part, to throw him overboard, was actually Jonah’s attempt of getting out of God’s call on his life for good.

But even in the act of throwing him off the boat, the sailors turned away from their own sin and placed their belief in God.

Jonah was “saved” by a whale, and this is where he should have accepted that his pride had endeared him to worry. Still, Jonah didn’t come to full repentance, he simply recognized that God had been faithful. He thanked God for sticking with him and promised he would go to Nineveh to share about God’s mercy.

Once Jonah was vomited out by the whale back onto dry land, God reminded Jonah of his promise to obey. He instructed him (again) in Jonah 3:2, “Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and call out against it the message that I tell you.”

Jonah started out on the long journey and gave a version of God’s message. However, in his version, the message missed some key points: He doesn’t mention the sinful activities for which Nineveh had come to be known, nor the way for the Ninevites to respond to God. He simply said that they will be “overturned.”

But God.

Whether it was worry or fear that caused Jonah to give halfway obedience to the prophetic call on his life, we see that God still used him. The king of Nineveh and all the people turned from their wickedness and worshiped the Lord.

What’s ironic is that Jonah’s prophetic message for this city did actually come true. They were not overturned in the sense of being destroyed (God forgave them and promised not to destroy the city when they turned to Him). No, the city was “overturned,” meaning that their hearts were transformed.

How does this relate to stories of worry in the Bible?

The book of Jonah isn’t really a story about Jonah and his worry; it’s about the source of his concern. He didn’t want to live in a world where a compassionate God would care as much about his enemies as for him. If you continue in the book of Jonah, you will find that we don’t get to see a clear resolution to his story.

The point of the story is to hold up a mirror to our worry. It can be rooted in selfishness or pride, and God in His great mercy calls us to be willing to examine the source of our worries.

Martha’s story

Martha often gets a bad rap. We remember her simply for one story when actually, she would become a dear friend to Jesus during His time on earth. But just like the other stories of worry in the Bible, we see Martha primarily as a tale of anxiety mixed with maybe a little jealousy.

When Jesus came to dine at her house with a gathering of others, Martha became frustrated with her sister, Mary, because she wasn’t helping around the house. In Luke 10:38-39, we read that Jesus was on his way somewhere when he stopped at Mary and Martha’s house, and Mary chose to sit at His feet and listen to everything He said instead of helping Martha.

On the other hand, Martha was “distracted by all the preparations that had to be made.” (Luke 10:40a, ESV) Martha is remembered primarily because she was distracted by and probably worried about how everything would get done. Have you ever been worried that not everything would get done in time?

What we learn in Martha’s story, however, is that even our to-do lists come under submission to the Lord. In His response, Jesus showed His compassion and His authority to Martha.

He first addressed Martha with what she was facing – worry. “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things.” (Luke 10:41, ESV) Here we see that Jesus’ compassion on Martha required that He help her see that her real issue wasn’t a clean house or a full table; it was worry. He invites her to recognize the destructive thought patterns to which she had succumbed.

Second, He reminded Martha of His authority. He instructed her to remember what the most important priority in life is: a relationship with God. In Luke 10:42, Jesus continued, “but few things are needed – or indeed only one.”

If you read to the end of the story, you see that Jesus addresses Martha about Mary’s inaction. But the takeaway from this story isn’t about Mary. It is that Martha recognized her worry and saw it next to the light of Christ.

What we learn from these Bible stories

As these stories may remind you, God cares about your worries. He would not have included so many stories of worry in the Bible if He were not a compassionate, loving Father. His call to you might indeed be to “cast your cares on the Lord.” (Psalm 55:22, ESV)

One excellent way to cast your cares is to take the first step toward counseling. Call our offices, so we can match you with a counselor who will listen and help you take the next step to overcome worry. The Lord has more in mind for you, and we’re here to help.

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15 Traits of a Toxic Friendship

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We all want to have that friendship that brings fullness to our lives. A friendship that encourages us to be better and live joyfully. Friendships are people who help us to navigate the difficulties of life. But there are times in this world when we find ourselves entangled in a toxic friendship.

The world is full of deceit and self-centeredness so we don’t always see the signs of toxicity until we are heart-deep in a friendship. It is harder to leave toxic friendships than it is to acquire them. Learning to see the traits lessen your chances of finding yourself engaged in a toxic friendship.

15 traits of a toxic friendship

Here are fifteen traits of a toxic friendship.

1. Their behavior toward you is abusive and belittling.

Toxic friendships often display abusive behavior. They may continuously put you down and speak critically of everything you do. They choose to use mean words and angry outbursts if they feel they cannot control your decisions. Rather than being a friend that builds you up, a toxic friend will belittle you because they are envious of what you do or have. They are a bully.

2. They are jealous of other friends and significant others.

When your friend becomes jealous of any new friends you make may be exhibiting signs of a toxic friendship. They may even try to put a wedge between you and your other friends, including any of your romantic relationships. They do not want to share you with anyone even if it keeps you from dating your future spouse. They are covetous.

3. They want you to be like them.

It’s great to have some of the same interests as your friends, but when your friend is trying to change you into what they want you to be it becomes toxic and stressful. A toxic friend doesn’t know how to embrace the things that make you who you are but instead wants to see more of themselves in you. They are controlling.

4. They want you always to be the giver.

Having good friends means that you are there for each other no matter what comes in life. The friendship is mutual in giving and taking. But with toxic friendships, you will end up giving more. They just can’t find time to help you out of a tight spot or let you borrow the car, even though you lent them yours last month. A toxic friend will take advantage of you before helping you. They are freeloaders.

5. They always cause drama.

No matter what a toxic friend will always find a way to incite drama. Whether it’s an argument with a co-worker or a lady in the grocery store who cut in line, something always keeps happening to them. They live an exaggerated life.

6. Friendships are transactional and conditional.

When your friend becomes angry or distant because you didn’t agree with them or give them something they needed that is transactional. They only want to be your friend if you give them something. When you don’t, they may give you the silent treatment and even say you are no longer their friend. They are inconsistent.

7. They continually gossip about others.

One big red flag about toxic friendships is gossip. Most of the time they will gossip and say that they only want to help them. They tend to share secrets about others and even you. They are gossipy.

8. You no longer trust them.

Having a good friend means you can trust them with your hurt. We want a friend who will maintain confidentiality with our problems. When your friend doesn’t have your best interest at heart then it can become a trust issue. You may feel that you cannot trust them to follow through with helping you. There are times when plans fail, but when it is constant it changes their reliability. They are untrustworthy.

9. It feels like you are competing with them.

There is a healthy level of competition between friends. Working out together can be a healthy competition when done in a way that is encouraging to one another. Toxic friendships bring a sense of fighting to be the best every time simply because they have put you down. They are unconfident.

10. You find yourself making excuses for their behavior.

If your friend is known for bad behavior, it could place you in a position to defend them to others. It can cause you to defend their behavior even if you know it is not proper. They are unsettling.

11. You find that you cannot be honest with them.

It is important to feel safe with our friends. When we feel like we need to hide our truths so that we do not cause our friend to be angry then we may need to evaluate the friendship. We should always be able to be comfortable around our friends. When we find that we have to keep some things hidden it could be a sign that we are in a toxic friendship. They are harsh.

12. You no longer enjoy spending time with them.

When you are relieved that plans were canceled you may want to be concerned about the friendship. Toxic friendships eventually bring a dread about spending time together. You may find yourself making an excuse to break plans. They are unhappy.

13. They pressure you into activities that you do not like.

Sadly, being pressured by friends isn’t just a thing that happens in our teen years. We can find ourselves pressured by adult friends. The difference with toxic friendships is that they want you to engage in behavior simply because they don’t want to look bad alone. They want you to be like them in all aspects of life even if it means partaking in behavior that is not appropriate. They are judgmental.

14. They do not understand boundaries.

Toxic friendships do not embrace boundaries. These friends believe they do not have to respect your boundaries because they are your “best” friend. They think there is no way that you would not include them in every aspect of your life, even if you are married. They are big-headed.

15. They are unable to apologize.

We all make mistakes. A good friend will acknowledge the mistake and apologize. A toxic friend will find a way to make you feel as though you are overreacting and that they are the true victim. They hardly see when they do anything to hurt others. Sometimes they may apologize with the addition of a “but” statement. For instance, “I apologize for making you feel dumb, but I was just kidding.” They are self-centered.

How can you fix a toxic friendship?

There are steps that you can take to change the dynamics of the friendship. Try having a conversation about the situation in hopes that your friend may want to save the relationship as well. You may have to distance yourself from your friend to determine the best course of action. Speaking with other friends can help you gain insight that you might not usually see because you are in the middle of the conversation.

There is always the possibility that you will have to walk away from the friendship. It is never easy to walk away from someone who has been in your life for any length of time. Especially if you feel that you have created a bond with that person. But when it comes to toxic friendships sometimes it is the only option. We aren’t designed to be isolated, and neither are we designed to be mistreated.

Healing from toxic relationships

Once you have decided that the only option for the friendship is to walk away you will find yourself needing time to heal emotionally and mentally. You have been in a friendship that has made you feel isolated, inadequate, and worthless.

The stress of this friendship has left you feeling like you are unable to trust other people. Take time to grieve. Learn to be okay with getting to know yourself again. Start doing the things you like without feeling guilty.

God’s word encourages us to be healthy in our friendships. He created us to be social people, but we are to be people that edify others rather than tear them down. We are to be quick to listen and slow to judge. Spend time in God’s word and begin to understand what friendship should look like.

Treat others how you want to be treated.

Do to others as you would have them do to you. – Luke 6:31, NIV

Be kind and compassionate. Show patience with each other and learn to forgive.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. – Colossians 3:12-14, NIV

Do not be centered on yourself but always value others first.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. – Philippians 2:3-4, NIV

Be quick to build up one another and encourage each other in the calling of God.

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. – 1 Thessalonians 5:11, NIV

If you feel that you need help navigating the grieving process of a friendship reach out to a Christian counselor. Many will be able to help you process this grief and heal from the emotional damage of a toxic friendship.

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What to Do About Caregiver Stress

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Many people never reach their sixties, seventies, eighties, and beyond. Others develop chronic or terminal illnesses. Some people are born with disabilities or become disabled due to an accident. In all of these cases, a caregiver is often needed. In families, one person typically fills this role, usually, a woman, who balances career and family responsibilities.The responsibility for caring for an aging or ill family member can take its toll on the health of a caregiver – physically, mentally, and emotionally. In addition, caregiver stress can lead to burnout and physical illness. Learn ways that you can ease caregiver stress.

Caregiver stress is real.

Caring for another person brings its own pressures and stress. For example, when someone else’s health is your responsibility, it can feel like a huge burden. Add other factors like financial instability, your health issues, family responsibilities, another job or career, and being the only person available to care for a loved one, and the higher your risk of caregiver stress and burnout.

The symptoms of caregiver stress include:

  • Feeling anxious and overwhelmed.
  • Feeling sad or depressed.
  • Isolating from others.
  • Sleeping too much or too little.
  • Eating too much or too little.
  • Rapid weight gain or loss.
  • Irritability or anger.
  • Headaches and unexplained body aches.
  • Getting sick more often.

These symptoms can lead to issues at work and home, as you may have little patience with people. The worse you feel, the more you will let your health slide, and the lower your self-esteem and confidence will drop. Now is the time to get a handle on caregiver stress.

Tips for easing it.

Caregiver stress can lead to several problems. Before your stress level gets out of hand, prepare ahead of time if you can. First, read through the tips below if your emotions are headed in that direction. Then, see what strategies you can start today to feel better. For example, can you take a fifteen-minute walk to unwind and move your muscles? Is there someone you can call and ask for help?

Ask for help from friends and family.

Your time is limited if you are the only one providing full-time care for a family member. Create a list of tasks that other people can do. You or your family members probably have friends that would love to help but are unsure what they can do. With a prepared list, you can allow them to choose how to help.

For example, these tasks could include picking up groceries and medications, doing light housecleaning, or transporting your loved one to an appointment. In addition, there may be someone who loves your family member as much as you do who would be willing to visit for a few hours while you run personal errands.

Work on your health.

When we devote our time and attention to caregiving and doctor appointments, we often miss our own screenings. We cut out exercise and grab quick meals on the go when our time is tight, But when we take these shortcuts for too long, eventually, they catch up with us.

Your health is as essential as the health of your family member. You are the person that keeps the balls in the air. Take the time to exercise and plan healthy meals. Ask a nutritionist about quick ways to prep meals for the week. This is something you may be able to do once a week while your family member naps or while someone is visiting the home.

Schedule your annual screenings during your birth month to make them easier to remember, then ask others to fill your role as a caregiver on those days. As long as you give plenty of notice, you will be surprised at how many people will be willing to lend a hand.

Establish a routine.

Establish daily and weekly routines for yourself and your loved one to ease caregiver stress. For example, your weekly routine could include grocery and medication pickup or delivery on Mondays, errands on Tuesdays, and deeper housecleaning tasks on Wednesdays. Having a weekly routine of when you do things will enable you to schedule help when needed. It also gives you a sense of relief knowing that a task will get done on a specific day.

You can split daily routines into morning, afternoon, evening, and bedtime. Every family’s routine will be different depending on your needs and situation. For example, you might spend a few minutes in the morning making breakfast and unloading the dishwasher to fill it with dirty dishes throughout the day. Your afternoon routine may be to clean your family member’s bedroom before they watch a favorite movie or television show. Get creative about what needs to get done and when.

Find a support group.

You can find support groups for just about any illness or disability. A support group is an excellent resource for learning more about a specific condition and how to manage its symptoms. In addition, you can meet other caregivers in the same situation. For example, if your loved one has dementia, you can find a local support group whose members have loved ones with the disease. These people can offer guidance on what to expect and how to handle scary situations and provide names and numbers of organizations you can turn to for memory care services.

If you are looking for a broader group, research caregiver support groups in your area or online. You can find caregiver groups that closely match your situation, such as groups for female caregivers who work outside the home or for male caregivers of ill or disabled spouses.

Use caregiver resources.

Caregiver resources are available, although you may need to look online or check with your local Area Agency on Aging office. Your loved one’s doctor may also know of organizations that can help you.

Respite care is valuable when you need a break to take care of personal errands or a day off. Respite care is available at home or a facility if your loved one is currently staying elsewhere. Adult daycare centers are open during the day and offer adult programs to keep them entertained, socializing with others, and mentally stimulated.

If you are taking some time off of caregiving for a much-needed vacation, you may be able to locate a nursing home or assisted living facility that provides short-term care. These facilities will house and care for your loved one for a few days to a month or so, depending on how long you plan to be gone. They are a more expensive option; however, your loved one is cared for in all areas, including having a medically-trained staff present.

Take leave if you need it.

If you work for a company full-time and fulfill the role of caregiver for a loved one, you may be eligible for a short-term paid or unpaid leave. Each company is different, and you must check with the Human Resources Department for qualified programs. If you are experiencing caregiver stress and concerned about its effects on your health, ask about leave.

Many companies offer FMLA (Family and Medical Leave Act). FMLA allows you to take up to twelve weeks off from work without losing your position. It is an unpaid leave, so you will want to have another option for income during this time.

In addition, some people pay into a separate account for emergencies like illness, maternity leave, and caregiving. If you know ahead of time about your loved one’s condition, you may be able to open one of these savings accounts and ask about FMLA at your company.

Are you experiencing caregiver stress?

Being a caregiver to a family member is one of the most demanding jobs. If you work a job (either outside the home or from home), care for a family, and have other responsibilities, it may feel like you are slowly losing your mind.

You may be experiencing caregiver stress symptoms. Contact our office today to schedule an appointment with a therapist. Your therapist will specialize in caregiver support and aging and geriatric issues. Call us today.

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What Depression Feels Like: Triggers and Treatment

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If you have a loved one that struggles with depression, it’s important to offer the empathy and support that they need. Knowing what depression feels like can help you build that empathy and help you understand why they need ongoing support.

Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) is a mood disorder that affects how a person thinks, feels, and acts. Most people label this disorder as “depression.” However, MDD is more than a depressed mood and can often be made up of multiple episodes of depression. For the sake of this article, we will refer to depressive episodes as depression.

Having a depressive episode is like a persistent and deep form of sadness that won’t lift even if circumstances change. Depression often affects how a person sees themselves and the world around them. Some of these effects can severely undermine their working and personal relationships.

What Are the Causes and Triggers of Depression?

Briefly, we need to consider what can trigger and cause depression. Grasping this is important to help you understand that depression isn’t a choice that anyone makes, nor is it something that they can simply stop feeling.

Depression symptoms can return or appear when they are triggered by psychological, physical, or emotional events. Some of the more common triggers of depression include experiencing a medical crisis, stressors such as the loss of a loved one or family conflict, and interrupted depression treatment that causes a recurrence of depression symptoms. Many of these triggers are unavoidable and difficult to anticipate.

Doctors don’t fully understand what causes depression, but there are several possible causes that have been suggested, and these include biological, hereditary, and environmental causes. Some of the common causes of depression are:

Your genetic inheritance and family history. If you have family members with a history of depression, there’s a likelihood of developing depression or another type of mood disorder.

Brain structure and chemistry. A frontal lobe that’s less active than normal may result in a greater risk of depression. It’s not entirely certain if this change occurs prior to the onset of depression or as a result of it. A chemical imbalance in the parts of the brain that affect one’s thoughts, mood, and behavior may increase the risk of depression.

Life experiences. These include childhood trauma, chronic illness, and substance abuse. These experiences can increase your risk of developing depression.

What Depression Feels Like

There are some symptoms and experiences of depression that are typical for most people, such as feelings of sadness and loss of interest in and enjoyment of tasks that were previously enjoyable. To diagnose someone with MDD, a mental health professional will look to see if certain symptoms are present for at least two weeks.

Some of these symptoms include the following:

  • Poor concentration
  • Feelings of excessive guilt or low self-worth
  • Significant changes in appetite
  • Fatigue or low levels of energy
  • Disrupted sleep
  • Feeling hopeless about the future
  • Having thoughts about death or suicide

When a person is having a depressive episode, they will experience significant challenges in important areas of their daily functioning such as at school, work, and in their relationships.

What Depression Feels Like in Men

For different groups of people, there are some typical experiences of depression and ways it will manifest. Men, for instance, may feel overwhelmed by depression. This will often result in a greater likelihood of drinking alcohol in excess, engaging in risk-taking behavior, and/or displays of anger.

Males will also find themselves isolating themselves by avoiding family and social situations and burying themselves in their work. This may cause strain in relationships. With fraying tempers, males may begin to display controlling and abusive behaviors that weren’t present in the relationship before the depression.

Additionally, men will often find themselves feeling angrier, more aggressive, irritable, anxious, and more restless than usual. They will find themselves unable to concentrate or make decisions and complete tasks. This may look like failing to meet work deadlines or remembering to pay bills.

A man with depression may feel tired easily and find himself having headaches, digestive problems, and other unexplained pains. At night, he may find himself not sleeping well throughout the night or sleeping excessively. Poor sleep may make him more irritable and less able to regulate his emotional responses to the people around him.

Men with depression may find themselves losing interest and having little enjoyment of things they used to consider pleasurable activities, and that may include having a reduced sexual desire or experiencing a decline in sexual performance. They may find themselves feeling empty, hopeless, or sad, and having thoughts of suicide.

These experiences may be frustrating to the people in the life of a man who is struggling with a depressive episode, as he may not have the energy to play with his kids or enjoy time with them. The negative effects of depressive episodes on his cognitive abilities, such as delayed responses during conversations, may make talking to him a more involved process than usual.

What Depression Feels Like in Women

Females struggling with depression may find their moods affected. They may have increased irritability and feelings of sadness, anxiety, emptiness, and hopelessness. Their sleep will also be affected and deviate widely from what is considered normal, and they may find themselves losing interest in activities and withdrawing from social engagements.

Physically, females with depression may have decreased energy, increased fatigue, significant changes in appetite, changes in weight, pain, headaches, or increased cramping.

Mentally, women in the midst of a depressive episode can have decreased cognitive abilities. Their thinking will be affected so they process and talk slower than usual. Women with depression may also have suicidal ideation or thoughts and possibly take action against them.

Depression in Children, Teens, and Young Adults

Children with depression may cry more than usual and experience low levels of energy. This will often result in challenges in doing their school work and a decrease in enjoyment of social activities. They may become clingy and refuse to go to school or get into trouble at school.

Because younger children don’t typically have the vocabulary and emotional intelligence to name their feelings and express them in words, they may express their frustration in their behaviors such as vocal outbursts, anger outbursts, and defiant behavior.

Children enduring a depressive episode may also have times where their energy seems to fluctuate significantly and inability to attend to things typical for their age. Sometimes they may have thoughts of self-harm or death.

Teens and young adults who have depression may struggle to maintain social activities and/or lose interest in activities. This can lead to withdrawing from their friends and family.

Some teens and young adults continue to keep up an appearance of happiness during a depressive episode but are quick to withdraw and avoid deep/meaningful conversations. Cognitive difficulties may cause them to struggle to concentrate on their schoolwork, and they may find themselves feeling guilty, helpless, and/or worthless.

All these physical, emotional, and mental changes that occur during a depressive episode affect how he or she relates to others. People experiencing depression are not their typical selves. They can’t simply snap out of it and make things go back to normal during a depressive episode. Depression will often feel like a dark, weighted blanket that descends on a person, numbing his or her experience of the world and dulling their response to and enjoyment of it.

Treating Depression

The good news about depression is that it is treatable. It may take several months for an individual to respond to treatment, and at times the treatments may need to be combined to be effective. But various treatments have proven to be effective in relieving the symptoms of depression for most people.

Those experiencing a depressive episode can practice self-care to alleviate some feelings of depression. Work toward improving one’s overall health by going to bed and waking up at the same time, using a comfortable sleeping environment, and stopping the use of electronic devices 1-2 hours prior to sleep is helpful in winding down and allowing the brain to settle. Eating a healthy diet as well as regular exercise will also elevate one’s mood and boost one’s well-being.

Community is an important aspect of support for those going through depression. Friends and family can walk alongside those going through to help alleviate symptoms of depression as well as simply walk alongside the individual while they journey toward healing and wholeness.

Face-to-face interactions with people, with the ability to discuss practical solutions, enjoy a listening ear, and/or participate in activities that allow the individual to actively engage in loving on or having fun with others are the most helpful.

These measures are just a few helpful ways to manage the symptoms of mild depression. However, they ought to be used in conjunction with checking in with a health professional like a primary care physician or a mental health counselor.

For mild and severe forms of depression, the use of psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, to address the possible triggers and causes of depression has been found to be helpful for many. It provides a neutral and supportive space for the individual to work on their healing journey. It is designed to help individuals cope with depression so that it doesn’t dictate day-to-day functioning. Some options for talk therapy include one-to-one or group counseling.

Therapists use a range of techniques such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), interpersonal therapy (IPT), and other evidence-based treatments. In conjunction with psychotherapy, someone experiencing MDD may need to consider medication to support their success in managing depressive episodes.

A doctor may prescribe medications such as antidepressants that can help treat moderate to severe depression. These antidepressants are in several classes, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs), tricyclic antidepressants, atypical antidepressants, and selective serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs).

If you or a loved one are struggling with depression, it is likely affecting your life in significant ways. If you are a Christian struggling with symptoms of depression, this includes impacting your faith. The impact of depression on the Christian can overwhelm the ability to live by faith and feel like a stumbling block. You don’t have to walk alone, because you can lean on the expertise of a Christian counselor.

There is hope for depression. Reach out today to make an appointment with a mental health professional to start your healing journey.

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