2 Benefits of Marriage Counseling and 3 Disadvantages

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The difficulties with marriage start at the beginning of a relationship. No one starts a relationship looking to end up in marriage counseling one day, but from the very start of “I think I like you” to the “I do” and beyond, there are certain difficulties that each couple will face

Some of these difficulties require more work than others. A majority of the troubles that couples face can benefit from marriage therapy. As with any tool, however, there are both benefits and disadvantages to marriage counseling. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling provides guidance and support for couples navigating challenges in their relationships.

Two benefits of marriage counseling.

For any couple working with a marriage counselor, there are benefits to reap once the work has been done to find a counselor that fits. The premise of marriage counseling is to assist couples in their relationship with themselves, one another, and the systems around them.

Choosing to work in such a context should not be a light decision, nor should it be a one-sided decision. Couples who come to counseling need to decide together that they are there to do the work, otherwise there are likely to be no benefits at all.

Communication.

One of the top benefits that can come from marriage counseling is improved communication. Even starting to talk about marriage therapy, whether for premarital, newly married couples, or long-time married couples can bring about better talk as a couple. This “pre-talk” allows the couple to define the terms, establish a reasonable assessment of how important the marriage is to one another, and explore what areas need to be worked on most.

While in marriage counseling, a counselor can help the couple improve their communication by supplying mediation and skill training. With a counselor acting as a mediator, couples have the advantage of slowing their communication down.

The counselor makes room for pausing and reflecting. This sort of mediation allows for couples to be heard by one another and get their point across more effectively. The mediation of a counselor helps couples to create safe boundaries while navigating conflict.

Skill training helps the couple increase their active and reflective listening. Skill training also serves to increase the couple’s positive communication by allowing them to practice filtering and shaping their words. By improving communication, the couple’s intimacy is increased and thereby overall satisfaction in the relationship.

Longevity.

Marriages start with the desire for the relationship to last and in order to have a lasting marriage, there needs to be a certain level of satisfaction. In other words, decreased satisfaction in times of conflict can jeopardize the marriage. In order to increase satisfaction between the couple, marriage counselors support them in developing better communication, conflict resolution, and empathy skills.

With an increase in these skills, the couple can feel more understood, more at ease, and more willing to be vulnerable. This leads to the couple having their needs met. As conflict decreases and needs are increasingly met, the satisfaction of the relationship increases. This increase in satisfaction improves the longevity of the relationship exponentially.

Three disadvantages of marriage counseling.

There are both benefits of marriage counseling and disadvantages. Two of the benefits of marriage counseling discussed above are communication and longevity. These play into one another, just as the disadvantages do. Disadvantages of marriage counseling can include areas of conflict resolution, self-discipline, and that it is not a “one-size-fits-all” intervention.

Conflict resolution.

Every marriage has its moments of conflict. Within couples therapy, couples are spending time addressing that conflict in hopes of a resolution. The disadvantage to this is that it can stir up the conflict and leave the couple more hurt before any resolution comes. Counseling takes time, and there are no guarantees with it. This means things can get worse before they get better.

Another aspect of conflict resolution is that often within marriage counseling, working on a current conflict brings up conflicts from the past. This leaves couples to face multiple conflicts at once. Any work with conflict resolution creates the opportunity for immense individual growth and strengthening of skills.

Working with a marriage counselor on resolving conflict in a marriage can help the couple develop a plan that improves their marriage. However, the plan will not be void of hard work and the facing of more difficult pain. Each individual has to make the decision to face the amount of work that conflict resolution presents them with.

Self-discipline.

Getting married to someone doesn’t mean that person is perfect. There is often an understanding within the relationship that there is room for each individual to grow. What can be unknown at times is the level of self-discipline it will take to both grow and endure the other’s need for growth.

Marriage counselors hold a unique position with a couple to both help the individuals see the need for self-discipline or growth, as well as to support them in building the skills necessary to achieve it. These skills include brain re-training, empathy building, behavior modification, habit training, etc.

Learning new skills and practicing new roles within the marriage requires self-discipline. As with any discipline, it is not easy to endure. The temporary pain is sometimes determined to not be worth the long-term gain. Marriage counseling requires the individuals to face this reality and own up to it.

Not a “one-size-fits-all” intervention.

Each individual in a marriage has the choice to both enter into and stay in marriage counseling. This requires multiple things to be right in order for it to work. For marriage therapy specifically, both individuals must agree to commit to the marriage and work on it, otherwise it is just individual counseling with an extra person in the room.

Once commitment to the marriage is secured, both individuals need to agree on who they work with. If one person feels uncomfortable with the counselor, or both, it will be an uphill battle while the couple is already wounded. After deciding that continuing the marriage is right for the couple and that the counselor is right for the couple, the couple then needs to decide at some point whether or not the counseling is serving the marriage well.

This decision can be the most difficult part to face, leaving the couple at a strong disadvantage. The difficulty lies within the hard work that facing conflict creates. Due to there being no guarantees in therapy, enduring hard work can leave the couple feeling more depleted than simply enduring the conflict, and thereby become a confusing time when they have to decide whether to continue counseling or not.

Marriage counseling is not the only way for couples to improve their marriage. In fact, for some it may create more conflict in a way that proves ineffective at addressing any original conflicts at hand. Sometimes talking things out and expressing feelings does not serve the purpose of resolution. Marriage counseling may not fit the relationship dynamics, circumstances, or even culture of the couple.

Is marriage counseling worth it?

Marriage counseling is a tool for couples to use just like any other tool. It is meant to support the couple in the growth and longevity of their relationship with each other. Whether the disadvantages outweigh the advantages really comes down to the married couple. If you are ready to explore more regarding whether marriage counseling is right for you, reach out to a Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling.

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Online Couples Therapy: What Is It and What are the Benefits?

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Online couples therapy is a virtual counseling alternative that is conducted through a video conferencing service such as Zoom rather than in person. It enables you to meet face-to-face with a licensed mental health professional experienced in relationship counseling. You can use any device that has Internet access, such as your computer, smartphone, or tablet.

Sessions are very similar to traditional in-office counseling. You can see each other as you speak, and the counselor can view and interpret your facial expressions and body language. Studies indicate that in many cases online couples therapy can be just as beneficial as in-person counseling. If you’re looking for support Huntington Beach Christian Counseling is available to guide you through the process.

Benefits of online couples therapy

Convenient. In today’s busy world, booking an appointment for two people to consistently meet at the same time in the same place can be a real challenge. Online therapy sessions can be scheduled for when it’s most convenient for both of you and do not require any added travel time to and from.

Flexible. Scheduling and length of online counseling sessions can be more flexible than in-office visits, and you and your partner can log in from different locations. This makes it possible for you to attend sessions more regularly and consistently, which is key to the therapy’s effectiveness.

Easily accessible. Online therapy makes counseling accessible to people who are limited by a disability, housebound, or just stressed by driving or going out in public. Not having to leave the house may also make it easier to convince a reluctant spouse to participate.

Not limited by locality. Online therapy makes counseling available to people who live in remote or rural areas and have limited access to local therapists. Because geographical location is not an issue, it also enables people to maintain continuity while on vacation or a business trip and is a good option for couples in long-distance relationships. They can attend sessions together even when they are physically apart.

More natural environment. Online couples therapy enables the counselor to gain added insight into a couple’s home life. Observing them in their home environment allows the counselor to learn things about them that they might have missed in an office visit.

Eliminates social embarrassment. Access to therapy in the privacy of their home makes counseling an easier choice for couples who don’t want people to know they are having problems and/or who would otherwise avoid it due to concern about the stigma attached to mental health issues. With the availability of online couples therapy, they don’t have to visit a counselor’s office and risk being seen by someone they know.

Cost effective. Online counseling is typically less expensive. Therapists who have fewer overhead costs such as renting office space are often willing to offer affordable treatment options to couples not covered by health insurance. You also save on the cost of time and travel expenses by not having to leave your home.

Takes the pressure off. Access to online therapy eliminates burdens such as the stress of spending time in traffic, trying to carve time out of an overbooked schedule for the commute, erratic work schedules, and/or having to make childcare arrangements if you have children at home.

If you have questions or would like to set up an appointment with one of the Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling, please give us a call.

Resources:Kendra Cherry. “The Pros and Cons of Online Therapy.” Verywell Mind. Updated May 16, 2022. verywellmind.com/advantages-and-disadvantages-of-online-therapy-2795225.

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Questions for Building Emotional Intimacy

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Emotional intimacy can provide some of the most enriching and gratifying aspects of your life. When a relationship includes emotional intimacy, it can provide joy, comfort, and support. It is through emotional intimacy that you are able to strengthen the bond of the relationship and marriage even further,deepening your connection and allowing you to better understand what each other wants, needs, and desires.
In order to help you build emotional intimacy, we have compiled a list of questions you can ask each other. You can ask these questions in turn and at a time when you are both relaxed. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling provides support to deepen emotional connections and strengthen relationships. You may be surprised at what you discover.

Questions to ask and how to ask them.

Keep in mind that you are merely asking questions, not interrogating your spouse. You can ask a question by leaning forward and making eye contact while waiting for the response. Like you would with your best friend, pay attention to the response and respond with as little judgement as possible. The goal is to make a safe space for the two of you to connect. When your spouse gives a nod or a smile, mirror his or her facial expressions and verbal cues.

Asking thought-provoking questions to build emotional intimacy.

When you begin a new relationship, or seek to grow a lasting marriage, you want to learn as much as you can about the other person. But sometimes you don’t know how to move from the lighter stories to the more serious topics. It can be difficult to get personal if you’ve never done so or are out of practice.
This list was created to help you get started and stress less about the “what” in talking. It’s okay to acknowledge the awkward feeling, and then remind yourself of the end goal—to get to know the other person (again).

With which member of your family do you feel closest?

This query can reveal a lot about a person’s family dynamics and the people he or she feels the safest around. This question doesn’t feel as probing or complicated as inquiries like “Tell me about your family” or “Did you have a happy childhood,” even if he or she had a complicated family or childhood.
You might also discover what makes someone feel loved or accepted. Is it because an aunt always listens? Is it because a sister or brother makes him or her laugh? Does he or she feel closest to mother because she never discounted his or her feelings?
Knowing how he or she experiences love will help you build a stronger foundation for your relationship. Additionally, it will take a lot of the guesswork out of what he or she needs from you.
Your relationship will struggle to advance if he or she doesn’t value it (or are even suspicious of it) in the way you may think you’re showing him or her your love.
On the other hand, you can make him or her feel safe and respected once you start expressing your love in the ways that he or she needs it.

What qualities do you think characterize a wholesome union?

Learn about his or her expectations for the relationship and what he or she considers to be healthy by exploring why your significant other admires those things about a relationship. You can also find out who has served as a good example of a relationship he or she aspires to emulate and if he or she sees that happening for the two of you.

What are you currently passionate about?

Learn what is important to your loved one and how he or she spends free time. Express interest in sharing his or her passion once you have learned about it. Don’t forget to acknowledge his or her enthusiasm!. You have the chance to be the one to support and encourage your significant other. This is something you don’t want to miss out on. We all appreciate support and encouragement, so being that for your spouse/significant other is important.
This doesn’t mean you have to change everything about yourself and spend all your time doing what the other enjoys. Instead, it means opening up to new things, within reason, and making a measurable effort to listen to, engage with, or physically show up and support the other person in these areas. If it is something you are not comfortable with, this is an important topic to explore further with your significant other.

Who in your life can you always rely on?

This person holds a significant place in his or her life. It may be a best friend from elementary school or a fun aunt or uncle. You can learn about your loved one’s struggles, successes, and even regrets by asking him or her to share some of the times the significant person came through for him or her.

What is something about you that most people don’t know?

To encourage your loved one to share something personal about himself or herself, ask a fun question. This question can help you both become more intimate by encouraging self-disclosure from the other person, whether they give you a humorous or serious response. Remember, judgement doesn’t have a place here when you are working to understand and listen to your significant other.

What is a flaw in another person that annoys you?

A person will be judgmental and critical of what he or she perceives to be a weakness. This is an intriguing question because it reveals things that person finds frustrating in other people (and in himself or herself). With this response, you’ll learn a little bit about what he or she values most.

What do you like to do best after work?

After work, does he or she always hang out with friends? Does he or she prefer returning home to unwind on the couch? Does he or she go to the gym or walk the dog every evening?
Learn what he or she does to unwind. This may reveal whether a person is more introverted or an extrovert who gets energized by being around other people. You might also gain some insight into his or her approach to dealing with stress, which can serve as a clue to their stress level in the future. Take this question as an opportunity to encourage your loved one by helping them engage in this activity at least once a week.
If it seems to be out of balance, happening most days of the week at the cost of other obligations or your own desires, you can follow up this question with: “How can I help you de-stress and enjoy coming home from work and still be a part of the family/still have some ‘us’ time now and then?”

What causes you stress?

Encourage your loved one to talk about stress while listening sympathetically. Ask, “What stresses you most about that,” if you don’t know why something is causing him or her stress. You’ll gain more insight into his or her reactions to his or her environment, both at work and at home, as a result. If he or she seems discouraged, think of ways to cheer him or her up.
It’s important to remember that just because someone has an unprocessed wound from the past, doesn’t mean that they are excused from growing and treating you well. But be aware that it might affect how he or she treats you, particularly if it isn’t a problem he or she is currently trying to solve.

What would be your ideal day?

Why not structure the ideal date around your loved one’s response to this question? You’ll demonstrate to him or her that you paid attention to what he or she had to say and that you don’t depend on him or her to always be catering to your desires.

How do you see our relationship honoring God?

This question allows your significant other to explore the triad that is evident between a husband, wife, and God. It gives a beat to redefine what is most important in the relationship. It also grants you the opportunity to hear what has been on your significant other’s mind spiritually.
What have you learned about relationships from your parents?
Answering this question sheds light on each other’s upbringing and lessons learned along the way. There’s a chance you may come across a nugget you’ve never heard before and add it to your annex of wisdom regarding your loved one.

When was the last time you cried?

This is an exercise in vulnerability. Sharing the moments that made you cry requires openness and trust. Take note of any emotional triggers or sensitive subjects.

Have your friendships taught you anything about romantic relationships?

Your friends are often the main constant in your life, especially childhood friends. Not only are they there for you when you are in relationships, they also count on you when they are in one themselves. There are many lessons to learn from these past friendships, and this question allows you to hear what has impacted your significant other’s perception of romance the most.

What does work-life balance mean to you?

The answer to this question speaks to the priorities your partner holds. Is money more or less important than spending quality time? Is he or she skewed more toward working hard or living life to the fullest?

What was the most surprising thing you learned about me?

People begin relationships by putting their best foot forward and presenting the best version of themselves. Over time, the façade evaporates, exposing some surprising aspects of their character, for better or worse.

When was the last time you laughed so much you cried?

This is a chance to explore each other’s sense of humor and share a laugh in the process.

In what ways do you think we’re similar?

Find out what your significant other believes the two of you share in common. You don’t have to be twins, but it’s always endearing to discover how much the other person perceives you are alike.

In what ways do you think we’re different?

Celebrate your individuality while you revel in your relationship. Healthy relationships are characterized by interdependence, not co-dependency.

What did you want to be when you were a child?

There’s a part of your childhood self that stays with you for life. Sharing your childhood dreams may seem irrelevant now, but it will bring you closer together.

Christian counseling for emotional intimacy.

It is our sincere hope that these questions help you build emotional intimacy with your romantic partner. If you still struggle with emotional intimacy in your relationship, you can contact us and schedule to speak with a Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling. Your counselor can equip you with tools to strengthen your relationship and build the lasting intimacy you are seeking.

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Bible Verses About Marriage: God’s Vision and Instructions

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Marriage is not something man-made. It is the central theme of God’s Word, woven throughout the Scriptures. Following are some key Bible verses about marriage.

Key Bible Verses about Marriage

In the beginning

In the beginning, God created man (Adam) but said it was not good for him to be alone, so He created a woman (Eve) to be his helpmate. Both of them were created in God’s image, with equal dignity, but with complementary physiological and psychological differences. For support, consider reaching out to Huntington Beach Christian Counseling for guidance rooted in biblical principles.

The first marriage took place between them in the Garden of Eden. It was a covenant relationship between one man and one woman, united by God in a mysterious way that belongs to no other human relationship. They were to establish a family unit, and their loyalty was to be to each other before anyone else except God.

God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. – Genesis 1:27, ESV

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” – Genesis 2:18, ESV

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. – Genesis 2:24, ESV

But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” – Mark 10:6-9, ESV

When Adam and Eve disobeyed God and made way for sin and death to enter the world, God created a new picture of what marriage should look like by establishing a covenant relationship with the children of Israel. As part of the contract, He promised to be faithful and to set them apart as His holy people.

The Israelites were rebellious and frequently broke the covenant, but God remained faithful and was always willing to forgive them and take them back when they repented. Despite their many betrayals, He pursued them relentlessly, showing them mercy over and over.

So great was the depth of God’s love that He sent Jesus to die on the cross to redeem His people from their sins and restore their broken relationship with Him. By His death, Jesus became the living manifestation of the faithful bridegroom who was willing to give up His life for His beloved.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. – John 3:16, NIV

Through Jesus’ death and resurrection, a new covenant was formed to include people from every tribe, tongue, kindred, and nation. Everyone who believes in Him and receives Him as their Lord and Savior become part of the Body of Christ, destined to be united to Him as His bride.

Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear. – Revelation 19:7-8, NIV

God’s vision for marriage

As the following Bible verses about marriage show, God’s vision for marriage is for it to be a permanent bond that endures and that mirrors the covenant relationship between Christ and the Church. When husband and wife live in harmony and unity with God, their union becomes like a cord of three strands that nothing can overpower or damage

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him – a threefold cord is not quickly broken. — Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, ESV

Bible verses about marriage.

Both men and women are created in God’s image and are heirs together of eternal life. However, God appointed the husband to be the spiritual leader of the family and instructs the wife to affirm and receive this leadership for the harmonious working of the relationship. The husband, on the other hand, is commanded to treat his wife with love, respect, and understanding, and to show her special honor and care.

 

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.

He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church – for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband, — Ephesians 5:22-33, NIV

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. – Colossians 3:18-19, ESV

Husbands…be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gifts of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. – 1 Peter 3:7, NIV

More Bible verses about marriage

Consider some more Bible verses about marriage. There is no place for meanness or contempt between a husband and wife. Be patient and considerate of one another. You’ll make mistakes and your spouse will too. A happy marriage is the result of your commitment to be there for one another through the good times and bad, and to treat each other with love and respect.

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. – Romans 12:10, NIV

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. – Ephesians 4:2-3, NIV

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. – Ephesians 4:32, ESV

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. – 1 Peter 4:8, NIV

God designed marriage as the place for the expression of human sexuality.

But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does.

Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. – 1 Corinthians 7:2-5, ESV

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. – Hebrews 13:4, ESV

If you have questions, would like to learn more Bible verses about marriage, or would like to set up an appointment to see one of our Christian counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling, please give us a call today.

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3 Ways to Save Your Marriage

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You are here because you want to save your marriage? Good for you! We are proud that you are not giving up so easily as many others do. The divorce rate is steadily increasing to 60% in many parts of the U.S. and sadly those are the ones that are being reported.

For example, my wife’s parents want a divorce, but they can’t afford it, so they have just agreed to separate. Their hearts, though, are divorced. There are many couples like that and despite the sad reality, we offer you a fresh way to look at your marriage in hopes to help you retake back that amazing relationship that God destined you to have! Huntington Beach Christian Counseling offers guidance and support to help you restore and strengthen your marriage.

3 Ways to Save Your Marriage

There are three C’s that we will be covering today: Compatibility, Compromising, and the most powerful one, Complimentary. These three stages of relationship maturity can help put some perspective to see where you are at in your marriage to see what is next for us to move on.

Sometimes having perspective can guide you in a gentle practical way that disarms both partners instead of having to make one of you the villain and the other the hero. My perspective has always been not to make one person the terrible monster but to understand the other person’s upbringing and what has transpired throughout the relationship that has aided both partners to be who they are today.

If there has been infidelity or betrayal, we don’t excuse that behavior by looking away. We confront it and deal with it so that there can be a resolution between both spouses, where appropriate. The 3 C’s are designed to help the partners in a relationship start a dialogue that will show them how they can move together to the next step.

Compatibility

Compatibility is a nice start to any relationship because it’s about sharing common interests. I’m sure both you and your partner were mutually attracted to each other. You both shared great moments that bonded you together.

Many couples love hiking, dancing, watching movies together, traveling, working on projects, they love pets, they have strong academic values, they want kids, they don’t want kids, etc. They have a common sharing that defines who they are that joins them together.

The riff between compatible people is when the sharing runs out. One spouse may like sports and that spouse may choose to watch ESPN instead of going on a date with their partner. That can cause tensions that turn into arguments. That same couple will then argue because the same spouse who loves watching sports may now want sexual intimacy but the spouse who was neglected will feel distant and say that they are tired.

By now I’m sure you see that these issues can slowly begin to turn a marriage into a rusty and withered relationship. How can compatibility save your marriage? This can save your marriage because you can talk to your spouse about how both of you had a great start but how you need to move forward. The start needs to be celebrated. Reflect on the enjoyable times you had together which will help you both to bond again.

It’s hard to stay angry when both of you reminisce about awesome times that both of you had. This can disarm the angriest of spouses and turn their cynicism to hope. Compatibility is not the complete answer, however, because no couple on this planet relies only on compatibility.

There will always need to be a sacrifice made to support the other spouse. Unfortunately, many couples end their relationship right at this step and don’t move beyond because the differences separate them to the point of no return. The good news is that it doesn’t have to end here and that it can mature and move on.

Compromising

We need to humble ourselves sometimes with big decisions so that as a couple we can mutually benefit. This is a noble perspective and helpful for compatible couples to understand. My wife and I use to argue about our dates which ended up ruining some of our Saturday nights. We made a pact to alternate our dates by giving each other two dates per month for us to coordinate.

When it was my turn, I would love to go to an open mall, eat some spicy food and then go see an action movie. Not the most romantic I know. When it was my wife’s turn, we would go to the beach and then eat dinner at sunset which was definitely romantic. We were able to learn about each other and appreciate how the other loved to have fun.

We learned to compromise which helped us to grow in our relationship before it got stale. Maybe your relationship is stale at this point, and it needs some saving. Most couples may be at this stage, which is a great step to be on, however, sometimes there are betrayals and hurts during this stage and we must compromise to make the marriage work. Many couples are in this stage because they have been dating and been married for years.

If you have suffered pain because of your spouse or both of you are in deep stuff my heart goes out to you. I want you to feel validated and supported by this article which may spark a talk between you and your partner to talk about this stage. You can talk about how you have compromised in certain areas in your relationship which can then uplift the marriage in its strengths.

A positive tone will help a lot with communication because it can win someone over. The main issue with the stage of compromise is that it can take you far but not all the way. It’s great to compromise however, one spouse may get burned out if they don’t have the constant refreshment.

Hebrews 3:12-13 says that our hearts need daily encouragement to remain soft. If we aren’t open and don’t encourage one another then it will take only a day to harden our hearts. Compromising also begs the spouse who is constantly sacrificing to request love in return. I sure feel that way when I sacrifice for my wife. If I help her with the home or take care of the car, I can expect favors in return.

However, she may not be so ready to return that love the way that I expect. I confess that it hurts, and I feel resentment in my heart, so I become quiet and resistant. It happens the other way around too. My wife may help me out with m projects or take care of responsibilities in the home and then she can expect me to be grateful for her efforts. Sometimes I don’t notice which hurts her and I let her down. Compromising is a great stage to be in, but it won’t be the stage to save your marriage.

Complimentary

I don’t mean complimentary as in saying compliments to your spouse. All though I highly recommend that you verbally compliment your partner to lift them up. I can testify that verbally complimenting my wife has helped our marriage so much. My wife feels acknowledged and honored in our home. You can never go wrong with that.

However, the real meaning of being a complimentary couple is being a couple who helps elevate each other. This perspective and lifestyle will save your marriage. It takes both of you, no matter the past or present, to get this right on point. One spouse trying this out may not get it done but it’s a start.

After a few weeks if you don’t see a change in your spouse please reach out for help. Therapy, couples’ groups, church retreats, classes, training, support groups, group dates, being ministered by a shepherding couple in your church, all these things can help support you and your spouse.

Before I get derailed, let’s go back to what a complimentary couple looks like. That couple is first willing to help and initiate help. This is a stark contrast to Compromising (the second of the 3 C’s), because with Compromising you must sacrifice. Most times, when we sacrifice, we aren’t willing. We sacrifice out of nobility or necessity. We may be talked into it or discipled into it. It’s not from our willing hearts.

Most of us sacrifice begrudgingly and hope for the best. With this last C, the Compromising couple serves and helps each other so that the couple is elevated. They are thinking “How can I help my spouse so both of us succeed?” This is an amazing perspective because both partners will feel inspired by the other to the point where both are going to try to outgive themselves in a healthy way.

Think about that vision for a moment. Both spouses work together to help elevate each other. What kind of marriage do you think they’ll have? It won’t be just a surviving marriage; it will be a thriving marriage! This is the secret to saving your marriage. Both of you must sit down, most likely with another couple, and process this vision to help both learn to inspire each other. This cannot be done alone. Both partners must work together so both of you can prosper.

Remember that none of these stages are bad. They are all good. The point of this article is to prepare you to have a fruitful discussion with your spouse about where both of you are. You may be tempted to think that both of you are in different stages. Please remember that it’s both of you together. So, both of you would be in the same stage.

Maybe one of you is ready to move on, but I strongly encourage that spouse to slow down and wait for the other spouse to catch up before moving on. This way doing the stages together will help the other spouse feel loved by you and ready to move forward. Once you identify which stage you are in then you will be ready to discuss how to take the appropriate steps for the next one.

The process of the 3 C’s will help disarm both of you and help ensure that you are taking the same steps onward as a couple. Have another couple walk with you in this way so that you have accountability and support if there are any riffs between you. My deepest conviction is that if you give the 3 C’s a try, it can show you where you are and help you see where you want to go. And that’s to be the best marriage you can be!

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church – for we are members of his body.

“For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. – Ephesians 5:21-33

Christian Marriage Counseling

If you’re looking for additional support, I invite you to contact me or one of the other Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling in the online counselor directory to schedule an appointment. It would be my pleasure to meet with you to help you not only save your marriage, but to strengthen it beyond what you’ve experienced before.

Photos:
“Coffee and Conversation”, Courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Eye to Eye”, Courtesy of Andriyko Podilnyk, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Devotions”, Courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Kissing”, Courtesy of Mauricio Livio, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Help! My Husband is a Sex Addict

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If you suspect that your husband is a sex addict, you have come to the right place to get some guidance. If he watches porn on the internet and uses his phone to look at inappropriate pictures of other women, you may be wondering whether there is hope. The good news is that there is — and not just any hope, but the hope of God.

Recall your wedding day. Remember both of you standing on the altar and looking into his eyes as he was saying to you that he would be faithful and loving until the day he dies. I am sure at this moment you don’t feel that at all and that is okay. This article is not to persuade you about your valid emotions.

This article is written to help you understand that those vows are more important now than ever! Your husband has his issues, but where there is love, there is a way to overcome hurt. Here is insight into how we can help your husband out so that we can do our best to salvage your relationship. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling offers support and guidance to help couples navigate these challenges and restore their relationships.

If Your Husband is a Sex Addict: How to Help

First, why is he indulging in this? Have you ever heard of the phrase “Hurt people, hurt people”? This statement means that if I am hurt, then obviously I am going to hurt others. Does it have to be that way? If everyone who is hurting, hurts others, this world would be even more tragic to live in.

God doesn’t want us to hurt others just because we are hurt ourselves. Your husband hurt you. He hurt you because he is hurting. It’s easy to say that porn addiction is disgusting and absurd. However, in Romans 3:23 the Bible states that sin is sin. Meaning that there’s no sin that’s greater than the other. They are all the same.

That is a tough pill to swallow especially when we are hurt. We may think that when we are hurt by loved ones, that their sin is greater than others. The truth is that all sin is offensive, and all sin is equal. In my ministerial work, this levels the playing field between spouses so that there’s no self-righteousness.

Your husband did an awful thing, and we are hoping and praying that he can get help so that he can heal – the single best thing for a sex addict to do. If we keep yelling at him, telling him that he is a monster, that will not do much. We can beat people over the head about their failures, but we must take a more effective approach.

Secondly, your husband needs you to be his greatest support. God is there with you all. The human being that needs him now more than ever is you. You have been an outstanding wife. You are a great mom, you cook and clean, you help pay the bills and do the dirty work around the home. You have grown in sexual intimacy with your husband and given him your best. You didn’t deserve this – you deserve better!

So, should you just quit, get a divorce, and move on? Maybe. You should fight for your husband’s sobriety. He needs your help, and one way we can help him to do find out why he is engaging in this pattern. Giving up on him will only tempt you to sexual sin, tempt him to struggle with sexual sin as well. Ninety-nine percent of men struggle with sexual sin and whether they admit that they are addicts or not is another conversation.

Men in America engage in sexual sin on an almost daily basis. There’s online pornography, Tik Tok videos, social media, movies, magazines, commercials, other women flirting with them, etc. It’s everywhere. The battle rages on! Some men have been able to manage it well and are on a maintenance plan. Some are having challenging times and giving in. Some have good months and then have some bad months.

There’s no exact science to this. You need to know that most men struggle with this and are battling with it. That doesn’t excuse the behavior, nor does it make it okay to continue in it. The point is that we give up only to meet someone else who will struggle with that same thing. That’s why we need to remember our vows – in sickness and in health.

Your husband’s addiction is a disease. It’s destroying his self-esteem, mental health, and most of all his relationship with you. Who is going to support him now? I hope it’s you. You can be there for him to listen to him and ask him deep questions on why he is behaving this way. You can ask him what his childhood was like and about his first sexual experiences. That can tell you a lot about why he is doing what he is doing.

Men are called pigs and dogs for engaging in this behavior but are rarely called heroes in their homes when they are faithful. Husbands are working hard and trying to do their best to support their families, yet they get the least encouragement from their loved ones. They hear complaining and bickering which makes them want to tune out. The most common way for a man to tune out is to tune in sexually.

At first, it may start as an innocent crush or curiosity. Later, however, it develops into a relentless cycle of addiction that leaves them hopeless. Men need to be built up and encouraged for them to feel safe enough to be open. I encourage any reader to ask that question to see how your husband would respond. He may cry or he may get angry but that’s the point. He is feeling stuff and not dealing with it.

So, the wife can see that her role is to support him and be genuinely vulnerable. Being vulnerable is not yelling or venting at him. Vulnerability is exposing your deepest insecurities which then would breed more vulnerability on his part. He needs to do his part also. You aren’t going to save him. That is Jesus’ job.

He needs to be open with other men to get help. The best solution for men to overcome their sexual addiction is to have other men challenge them and get them on a plan. I’m sure you wouldn’t want a random woman to help him unless she’s a trained professional. With that in mind, I would highly recommend that you aren’t his only support for this issue. A minister, a therapist, a men’s’ support group, an addiction recovery group could all help your husband.

He needs to be open in those groups with other men who are battling with this issue. Too many times, the wife can turn a blind eye, or overexert herself, or simply complain, but unfortunately, it leads to little productivity. The true change will be when another man or a few good men talk to your man face to face about his problem. There may be resistance at first, opposition and whining about it, too.

The good thing is that if you keep requesting him to get help, he may eventually do it. What if he doesn’t? Then I would recommend you join a co-dependency group or a woman’s support group to get help. You may be thinking to yourself, why me? You are not responsible for his mistakes.

Your example will be super humbling to him. Imagine yourself telling him, “If you don’t want to get help then I will.” On Tuesday prepare dinner for you and the kids and I will meet with the ladies for support.” You don’t do it out of retaliation or spite, but because you are fighting for your relationship. He may hold his cards and remain tough. But while you are away, there will be no doubt that you will be on his mind. He will be humbled to get help.

Over time, he may give in and be curious about getting help. This step empowers you, but it also frees you from being a victim. You are not a victim! I will say it again, you are not a victim! You are a noble woman of God who is experiencing what many other women have or are currently experiencing in their lives.

That idea is freeing because some women lose hope that anything will change. The change will occur when changes are made. A tiny step can lead to an adventure. Someone must take the first step. Scary as it may be, it is necessary. Your husband may follow you because humility often breeds humility. Often, when the family takes a step in one direction the rest will soon follow behind.

If the worst happens, and he refuses to get help from anyone, then you have some choices to make. You can get advice from those closest to you on how to conduct a major intervention to get his attention. Some ideas can include, having friends visit him at the home, the family making a video for him, or individuals from your church writing him letters.

As a minister, I never would tell someone to leave someone but taking a vacation so he can marinate on his thoughts could also be helpful. Staying with your parents for a weekend could help wake him up. Please tell him beforehand so that he isn’t taken by surprise. That would not be beneficial. The time away may help awaken the true love you both have for each other.

Let’s do a quick recap. His sin is his sin. You are not at fault. You can be his biggest cheerleader through this tough time. You can be curious and ask questions about his childhood and why he could be hurting.

Hurt people hurt people, so try to figure out what he is trying to escape and avoid. Often, men watch porn because they want relief and gratification. It may not be that he doesn’t love you or find you attractive, it may simply be that he is looking for an escape.

Porn and sex addiction is a deep issue and needs to be addressed by other men so your husband can be challenged and held accountable. Sometimes interventions can help, and space is needed. All interventions should be done with respect and lots of guidance and support. Hopefully, these tips can lead you to a breakthrough in your marriage with your loved one! Don’t forget those vows! They are precious!

If you need additional help, please feel free to contact me or one of the other Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling listed in the counselor directory to schedule a counseling appointment. We would be more than happy to help.

Photos:
“Watching out the window.”, Courtesy of Taylor Deas-Melesh, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Tossed by the Waves”, Courtesy of Alex Iby, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Am I good enough?”, Courtesy of Hello I’m Nik, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Wedding Bands”, Courtesy of Sandy Millar, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Looking for Love: How to Overcome Emotional Affairs

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Have you ever heard of the phrase, “Looking for love in all the wrong places”? It’s a phrase we throw around to our peers when we casually talk about a hopeless romantic who may be searching for love in areas where they will not find true love, such as emotional affairs. This idea of true love is what many are searching for. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling provides resources and support for those looking to understand and find meaningful love in their lives.

Think about the following: fame, fortune, popularity, success, power, family, and so forth. Why do we want all these things? We want them because we want to be loved. Maybe we won’t admit it but at the end of the day, we work hard because we are searching for that endless love. There are some interesting proverbs in the Bible that support this.

What a person desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar. – Proverbs 19:22

Many claim to have unfailing love, but a faithful person who can find? – Proverbs 20:6

Unfailing love is what we all want right? That comfort of knowing that your partner or loved one wants to prioritize you and to hold you dearly. We look forward to that warmth and affection with our partners because it makes us feel so special. I remember the first few dates I went with my wife Nicole how easily I had butterflies in my stomach. I couldn’t help it.

My emotions and thoughts just overwhelmed me with this notion that I wanted to be with Nicole and no one else. Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, birthdays, vacations, holidays are all special because we cherish these moments with those we genuinely love.

The flip side to that coin also is that we want a partner who is willing to be tried and true with us. Forgiving one another, being patient, understanding, supplying encouragement and support are all aspects of when things aren’t as blissful. We prefer that our partners work with us during challenging times and not give up on us when we royally mess it up.

So good or bad, we want true love that overrides all situations. Those two proverbs aren’t there by accident. They are there to provide insight into how we think and to bring to the forefront what our mission is. Our mission isn’t to be right, or to amass wealth, or to be famous. The goal is to find the cherished love that is so evasive at times. The question is how are we searching for this love?

2021 will be a year of growth for many of us and I’d dare say that growing in our relationships is a very top priority for many of us. 2020 brought hurt and discouragement for many of us also. Addiction grew, domestic violence went up, many betrayals surfaced because the pandemic of COVID-19 exposed our true natures.

One of those exposures may have been emotional affairs. Some may have caught their partners watching pornography on the internet. Others could have wondered why their finances were disappearing and still others may have been that substance abuse was uncovered. However, emotional affairs may explain why you are reading this article.

Maybe you were the partner that was affected by a spouse who connected with someone online in an inappropriate way. Maybe your partner has a bad habit of being flirtatious with the opposite gender with certain staff at a certain establishment which pains you to see. Despite bringing it up you may get accused of overreacting.

Another possibility is that maybe you or someone who is in an emotional affair and you’re wondering if you’ve gone too far. This article interested you because you are at a crossroads in your relationship, and you may have ventured out of the boundaries in an emotional relationship and now you are contemplating on what you are going to do.

Lastly, you could be a friend of someone who is either a victim or a perpetrator and you want to help them out. I applaud you along with our readers for your noble heart to research and understand ways to help your friends potentially stay together for the long haul. Not sure where you are at in this, but you’ve come to the right place to get some extra resources that can help them lovingly and spiritually.

What’s Wrong with Emotional Affairs?

Why are emotional affairs wrong? I want to tackle this first because some may say “there’s nothing physical so what’s the issue?” Indeed, an emotional relationship may not include any physical involvement but there’s a reason it hurts our partners. When we enter a relationship, we may not show our deal-breakers upfront. So, some partners may think they can enjoy their relationship if there’s nothing physical with someone else.

It’s kind of a taboo thing but nothing that could have enough substance to become a deal-breaker. We may point out that the Bible says that the only three ways out of a marriage are death, adultery, or abandonment. As an evangelist in my church, I can agree with that. However, emotional affairs cause major disruption in your marriage.

Think about it this way, would you want someone to be with you at the altar ready to say, “I do” only to hear them state that they will only be faithful to you “99% of the time”? No one would accept that. We want our partners to genuinely love us 100% of the time. It would be insulting to have dinner with your spouse only for them to be daydreaming of some crush they have.

Emotional relationships are a matter of the heart and that’s what needs to be addressed. Jesus calls this out as “matters of the heart”:

For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come – sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance, and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person. – Mark 7:21-23

Jesus is calling out these physical issues, but he is addressing them from the perspective of the heart. Usually, perpetrators of emotional relationships state that they were reacting to someone else flirting or making advances. The perpetrator needs to understand that those boundaries aren’t to be crossed because something that has no strong boundary needs to be questioned.

We have doors in our home, locks on our windows, alarms for our cars, codes, and passwords to our computers for what reason? It’s to protect what we cherish. We protect what we love. If the boundaries are off, then we invite danger to our most intimate places and Jesus takes the ax to the root by saying that we need to look at our heart.

Adultery doesn’t just happen, it evolves, and these scriptures point out that it started within us. It could be why in the gospel it says that the most important commandment is to love our Lord with all our Heart, Soul, Mind, and Strength. God wants all of us. He doesn’t accept partial love.

That expectation makes sense to me because I don’t want my wife to be thinking of some guy who flirted with her at the supermarket earlier that day. If we are having dinner, I want her to be present with me. We all want that. Should that situation arise, my wife has some great women in her life with whom she can be open about that temptation. She can seek input from women who will follow up with her and pray to God for her to be victorious in that area of her life.

The same thing goes for me. If I am tempted, I can call a brother in Christ who can listen and provide me with input so that I can tackle this from the beginning instead of it running ramped in my heart. Remember that these expectations are supposed to be high because we are searching for unfailing love. Our partners deserve to have us be present with them in mind, body, and soul.

Tips for Overcoming Emotional Infidelity

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a solid approach for confronting emotional affairs. A foundational core principle of CBT is that it helps us understand the relationship between our thoughts, emotions, and actions. Anyone who is either a victim or perpetrator of emotional affairs should seek professional help to confront this at once to salvage their relationship.

A trained Cognitive Behavioral Therapist can validate your struggles from the start because they want to listen to your story without judgment. Does this mean that the perpetrator can be validated as well? Absolutely. As professionals, we are not here to take sides. Our goal is to provide you with tools to discover what is going on and work together to move forward in healthier ways.

Most Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFT) are trained in some form or fashion to provide CBT because it is one of the most widely used approaches for therapy. One of the main reasons it is widely used and accepted is because it deals with problems from the inside and out. Adultery is physical which means in CBT language that it can be labeled as an action.

But how would you go about an emotional affair? Can people just sweep it under the rug? Not with CBT. It can be classified as an emotional issue. The therapist would not just focus on emotions but would help the client process their thoughts behind their emotions and what actions they took.

With CBT it all works together. Not one part is left out. Interestingly, the gospels say that if we are to love the Lord then we need to do it all with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. There is no shortcutting this process.

This approach is excellent for those who have been hurt by emotional infidelity because they feel the pain of being betrayed. They can explore those feelings and realize past trauma tied into the current hurt. The process continues as to what they are thinking and possible actions they can take to empower themselves. This is one of many possible approaches but in my work with hundreds of clients, I can’t think of a better approach.

Here are some tips to overcome emotional affairs based on the CBT approach that would include Thoughts, Emotions, Actions (T.E.A.) dialogue:

Thoughts

What thoughts are we processing? This is crucial to start with because so many times we rush to the evidence (phone, internet, talks, etc.) Once an emotional affair has been discovered, we need to ask both partners what they are thinking. One may think that the relationship is over. But is that true? Many people have different emotions, and they stem from what we think.

We don’t condone the affair, but we must try to listen to what our thought process was like to get to the root, recalling Jesus’ words to focus on the heart. The injured party should also voice insecurities, betrayal, shame, embarrassment, etc. The party who was emotionally unfaithful should be a great listener and confirm their partner’s thought process as well.

Remember this rule, if you do something or feel something, you must have thought of it beforehand. Unfaithfulness of any kind is not to be dismissed as a reaction incident. The mind played a role all along.

Emotions

What are we both feeling? What goes on inside of us internally is something to be appreciated. We love romance, zeal, and passion. Those same emotions can but in two ways because someone who is charismatic could also be a big-time flirt. So, we need to address our emotions and validate them further recognizing that emotions are tools and not weapons.

Validation by all parties, the partners, support, and the therapist are crucial. There is no such thing as crazy emotions. The betrayer should allow ample time for the hurting individual to gather their emotions and join in their mourning. This can be a painstaking process but one that leads to success more times than not.

Actions

The whole story must be told. This may sound unfair to the one who is betrayed but it is paramount that both spouses share their entire story of what happened without judgment. We don’t need to be sentimental with the party who committed the infidelity, but we need to understand what is going on in their hearts.

Sharing your story will cause discomfort but it will help the healing process the more times you share it. Get help and support. You don’t need to tell the world but view it as an opportunity to empower yourself. Recommit yourselves to one another, set up boundaries, and have weekly accountable times with your support system. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can provide the guidance and support you need during this journey.

In conclusion, I want to say that no flaw is fatal. People who either commit emotional affairs or are betrayed by them can still recover and do well. We can make some terrible mistakes, but the grace of Jesus helps us during those crucial times. These are hurtful times but if we seek help and support there’s no telling of what incredible progress we can make as couples.

Photos:
“Admiring the View”, Courtesy of Paola Chaaya, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “God is Love”, Courtesy of Hassan Saleh, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Watching the Bay”, Courtesy of Charlie Foster, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Just Married”, Courtesy of Desiree Fawn, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

5 Tips for Pursuing Christian Marriage Counseling

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“A good marriage is where both people feel like they’re getting the better end of the deal.” – Anne Lamott

It has been truly said that although marriage is a precious gift of God, it is, in the end, a union of two sinners. This sin – inherited from our First Parents and perpetuated by each one of us – brings trials and troubles into marriage that sometimes make it necessary to seek Christian marriage counseling in order to overcome. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling, we provide a supportive environment to help couples address challenges.

In his book, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God, Tim Keller writes, “While marriage is many things, it is anything but sentimental. Marriage is glorious but hard. It’s a burning joy and strength, and yet it is also blood, sweat, and tears; humbling defeats and exhausting victories.”

5 Tips When Pursuing Christian Marriage Counseling

Consider these five steps to as you prepare to seek Christian marriage counseling.

1. Recognize that you can’t do it alone.

When you and your spouse experience marriage problems, the first thing to recognize is that you may not be able to fix it on your own. The help of the Holy Spirit, working through a professional counselor who is focused on the Word of God, will bring about change in your relationship.

Maybe you’ve already tried it solve your problems by yourselves and have gotten nowhere, or maybe you just find that the spark has gone out of your marriage and you want to rekindle the sense of closeness and intimacy that you used to enjoy.

Recognizing that your marriage is not what it should be and that you need God’s power to fix it is the first step toward healing. God’s vision for your marriage is higher and greater than you could ever imagine.

2. Recognize that marriage problems are normal.

Your marriage problems may seem huge. Perhaps you recognize the same issues rearing their ugly head time after time and nothing ever seems to change. Maybe it feels like the two of you are just incompatible, and you begin to suspect that you tied the knot with the wrong person.

This is common. Since we live in a fallen, sinful world, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Every marriage experiences stress or conflict of some kind for the simple reason that both spouses are sinners. Regardless of what you may be experiencing, you are not facing anything that has not been faced by married couples before.

Rather than end the marriage and begin looking elsewhere for love, however, this is an indicator that you need to turn to God in faith and let Him bring healing. In his book, What Did You Expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage, Paul David Tripp writes, “One way God establishes beauty is by putting things that are different next to each other.”

Hiding your problems out of a sense of shame is a mistake. This is a fear-based reaction and is a common response of many Christians. They wrongly assume that church is only made up of couples who don’t wrestle with sin issues. Satan uses this assumption to keep couples in despair and isolation, preventing them from ever getting help.

Seeking help when you need it is always the best path. Of course, it will require humility and courage, and a conviction that there is something in your marriage that is worth saving.

Marriage is God’s invention, and because it is God’s intention that it be permanent, you should feel compelled to make the effort to save it. Many divorces occur because people didn’t seek help when they needed it but tried to do it solely on their own. As God’s Word says, “Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors, they succeed” (Proverbs 15:22).

If you are willing to humble yourself and ask for help, you will find it. Professional marriage counselors are available to come alongside you and help you navigate the minefield of marital issues to find healing and hope for your marriage.

Once you have decided to get help, you need to face the challenge of finding the right counselor. Though it may be an intimidating task, you will want to find a trustworthy counselor that is a good fit for you. There are a number of counselors who offer Christian marriage counseling, and it may be a tough job to sort through all of your options.

This article will present some wisdom about how to find and contact a marriage counselor.

3. Recognize the value of personal recommendations.

Though it may seem simplistic, probably the best way to identify a trusted counselor is through word of mouth. Who have others used? Who do they recommend?

Though there are no guarantees in life, recommendations from those you love and trust can be a real help. The likelihood that you will actually find and meet with a good marriage counselor is dramatically increased when someone that you know and trust has had a good experience with them before.

In an article entitled, “How Do I Find a Good Marriage Counselor?” Dr. Robert Burbee writes, “Talk to someone you know who has gone for counseling or psychotherapy. In many cases, the best suggestions about who is good in your community are from trusted friends and family who have been in the same situation themselves of trying to find a good counselor or therapist. These individuals can give firsthand observation about a professional and what to expect. And, they are giving a client’s perspective which may be the most important.”

4. Recognize the importance of knowing both yourself and your counselor.

As you consider selecting a marriage counselor near you, a good first step is for you and your spouse to reflect on yourselves. Think about what the two of you want to accomplish through counseling and what your hopes are for your marriage. It is also good to evaluate what you want out of life and what you expect from each other.

You should also consider what type of counselor would be a good fit for both of you. Thinking about these things ahead of time will help you align your goals even before you start counseling. If you are not on the same page as your spouse regarding your goals and expectations for counseling, it can reduce the effectiveness of your Christian marriage counseling.

Of course, counselors come in many shapes and sizes and the sheer number of specializations and licenses that they may hold can be dizzying. So, secondly, it is helpful to spend time talking with any potential counselor about what they specialize in and how they are trained and licensed.

According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy professional website, “Marriage and Family Therapists broaden the traditional emphasis on the individual to attend to the nature and role of individuals in primary relationship networks such as marriage and the family. MFTs take a holistic perspective to health care; they are concerned with the overall, long-term well-being of individuals and their families.”

It is a good idea to take advantage of any free consultations over the phone prior to meeting with a counselor in order to get to know them a little bit and get a feel for whether the counseling relationship is likely to work out. This gives you the liberty to ensure that you are comfortable with this counselor before you commit to anything long-term.

This is a good time to ask any questions both of and about the counselor. You can ask about their counseling approach, values, experience, training, etc. Make a list of things to ask, especially about subjects that will increase your comfort level. Find out if they are a Christian and ask what that means to them and how it affects their counseling methods.

This is critical since you are about to commit to a counseling relationship and whether or not it is successful will depend in large measure on the kind and strength of the relationship that you develop with the counselor you select.

5. Learn to trust your instincts.

Though we are often led to think that first impressions are unimportant, they are not always wrong. “Intuition” or “gut instinct” is an important part of who we are as human beings and though we should not rush to judge a person’s character when we don’t know them, our first impressions should not be ignored.

As you interact with any given counselor via phone, email, or in person, you should give thought to how they make you feel. Do you feel like they are really listening to you? Do they seem interested in you and your problems, or do they come across as disinterested or bored? Do they appear to be concerned enough to provide help right away? Do they seem confident and hopeful about your chances for positive change through counseling?

Marriage requires a lot of hard work and can be difficult. Anyone who says differently is selling something. Every married couple will experience issues at some point in their marriage and will need help. If this is you, contact a Christian counselor. They will provide the best care and counsel possible and will help you navigate the complexities of marriage problems and help you and your spouse get back on the right track. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling are here to guide you towards healing and reconciliation.

References:

AAMFT (2018). About Marriage and Family Therapists. Retrieved from: https://www.aamft.org/About_AAMFT/About_Marriage_and_Family_Therapists.aspx

Burbee, R. (2014). How do you find a good marriage counselor? Retrieved from: https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce-and-infidelity/your-spouse-is-not-the-enemy/how-do-you-find-a-good-marriage-counselor

Keller, T., & Keller, K. (2011). The meaning of marriage: facing the complexities of commitment with the wisdom of God. New York: Dutton.

Tripp, P.D. (2010). What did you expect? Redeeming the realities of marriage. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books.

Weiner-Davis, M. (2009). How to choose a good marital therapist. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/200910/how-choose-good-marital-therapist

Photos:
“Hold on”, Courtesy of Neonbrand, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Standing Firm”, Courtesy of Naassom Azevedo, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Walkin’ in the Rain”, Courtesy of Juulzgrand, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Loving couple”, Courtesy of Medium as muse, Flickr Creative Commons, CC0 License

Helpful and Instructive Bible Verses about Relationships

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God has designed relationships to be a safe, healing, and fun place for which we can fully express ourselves, fully serve and love one another, and fully glorify God. Because we live in a dysfunctional and fallen world, our relationships don’t always match the picture God has in mind.

  • Fathers abuse children.
  • Mothers abandon.
  • Brothers take.
  • Sisters scream.
  • Spouses dishonor.
  • Children rebel.
  • Friends disappoint.
  • Co-workers lie.
  • Bosses mistreat.

Yet in the midst of the pain and dysfunction, relationships are also a birthplace of beauty and can be an example of God’s love for us. They can be the very places we experience the depths of God’s joy, compassion, companionship, and more.

  • Fathers play.
  • Mothers stay.
  • Brothers give.
  • Sisters comfort.
  • Spouses respect.
  • Children obey.
  • Friends showup.
  • Co-workers uplift.
  • Bosses promote.

There is nothing more precious and rewarding than to have a friend or family member who knows you and loves you in all of your glory and faults. There is nothing more fulfilling than having a bond with someone so deep that he or she can finish your sentences, anticipate your responses, belly laugh with you in the middle of a store, and share in the joys and sorrows of life. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you nurture and strengthen these meaningful relationships.

Some relationships can be easier than others. You might not speak for months and then pick back up exactly where you left off without a hurt feeling or missed beat. Others require effort, intentional knitting, and building.

From our family relationships to our marriages to our friendships, there are many Scriptures on relationships that can guide us to building a wonderful and enriching community of support and love.

Bible Verses about Relationships

Below you will find some helpful Bible verses about relationships, including verses about friendship, Bible verses for couples, and more.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. – Ephesians 4:2

In our relationships, God instructs us to be patient and to bear with one another in love. When you’ve been disappointed, when a spouse or child or mother or father sins, we’re asked to be humble, gentle, and bear with that person.

Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs. – Proverbs 10:12

When you’ve been wronged or severely hurt, it can be easy to hate that person. Hatred stirs up conflict and paves a pretty path for further hurts and wrongs to continue. Love covers all wrongs, even the worst, most unforgivable ones.

When God’s love flows through you, He allows you to love and forgive the people who hurt you. That doesn’t mean you’ll go on to have a really strong relationship with them or that a relationship will continue, but it does mean it can dissolve without leaving remnants of wreckage in your own life.

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. – Proverbs 17:17

“A brother is born for adversity speaks” to the role a brother can play in helping you persevere and overcome. A true friend will love at all times and that love may take the form of support or it may take the form of compassionate rebuke when he or she sees you’re doing something harmful.

Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. – Ephesians 4:3

In relationships, the Bible tells us to do our very best to maintain unity and peace. We may disagree on a topic of topics, have different opinions, or interpret something in a different manner, but we’re to maintain unity as we navigate (or try to sort out) those differences.

But Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the LORD do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.” – Ruth 1:16-17

This Bible verse speaks to the beauty of commitment in relationships. Ruth would not leave her mother-in-law. She pledged to follow her and even went so far as to ask God to punish her should anything but death separate her from her mother. That level of commitment is inspiring and it’s also rare in this world. How often do we allow instances to separate us from the people we love?

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. –Genesis 2:24

Genesis 2:24 addresses the bond that marriages are to be built on. A husband should hold fast to his wife and become one flesh with her. It’s a wonderful vision of the intimacy and closeness available to and promised for husbands and wives.

Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. – Romans 13:8

Imagine if all we owed one another was love? What a world that would be! This Scripture for relationships is a goal to strive for. Owe your friends and family members love. What it joy it will be for you to repay and for them to receive.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. –Philippians 2:3

This verse is a great example of how we’re to act in our relationships. Every thought, decision, and action should be one of humility and one that values the other person above yourself. It can be hard not to make a selfish decision, especially if you feel like you deserve to be selfish.

You might have a list of “evidence’ supporting all the reasons why you deserve X, Y, and Z. You might also have a long list of “brownie points” that supports how great of a friend, spouse, child, etc. you have been. But, God calls us not to be conceited or vain and to value others even if we don’t feel valued.

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ. – Galatians 6:2

You don’t have to look far to see people bogged down with burdens. Society at large is stressed, anxious, and depressed. People have lost their jobs, spouses, parents, and children to death and division. In our relationships, we’re called to come alongside others and help carry their burdens.

There are “friends” who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother. – Proverbs 18:24

In every relationship, we have a choice to destroy or stick close. Will our words, actions, and thoughts destroy or draw us closer? The Bible tells us that a real friend will not destroy, but will stick closer than a brother.

Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. – James 4:11

Friends and family members are not meant to speak badly about one another or gossip about each other. In our relationships, we can be honest and express our feelings, but we can do so in a way that it does not slander the other person.

Christian Counseling for Relationship Issues

Relationships are meant to add to our lives on this earth. They’re also the very place we’re called to bring glory to God on this earth. We’re to glorify God in them and return praises that arise because of them back to Him.

Not all relationships in your life may be good or functioning as God designed. If you’d like greater support for an unhealthy relationship or want to improve your marriage or relationship with your parents, we’d love to help. Contact us or browse our counselor directory to learn more about our Christian counseling for relationships. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling are here to provide the guidance and support you need.

How to Find the Best Family Counselor for Your Needs

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There are a number of considerations you need to make when you are looking for a family counselor that is a perfect fit for your family. The options can seem overwhelming, and it is important to know what you’re looking for so as to have the greatest chance of healing family issues.

One common reason why people are reluctant to seek out a family therapist is that they’re not sure what to look for in a counselor. Unfortunately, another common reason comes down to bad experiences in the past with counselors, which causes anxiety about having a repeat experience.

This article will equip you to make the right decision regarding a family counselor that meets the needs of you and your family. We’ll look at different types of family counselors so that you can make an informed choice, go over the qualities that make a therapist a good fit for your family and look at some of the costs of family therapy. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help guide you in selecting the right family counselor for your unique needs.

When Should I Start Looking for a Family Counselor?

A lot of people make the mistake of waiting until there is a crisis before they seek help. Usually, by this point, a number of failed attempts to resolve problems will have been made, and a considerable amount of psychological damage will be been done.

It’s important for you to know that you don’t have to be in crisis in order to approach a family therapist. In fact, it is better to seek out therapy while the issues are still in the early stages because getting help means that you’ll be able to learn skills to handle all the issues that come with family life.

Family counseling has been shown to help in reducing the severity of family problems, and even removing the problems entirely. Central to the success of family therapy is a counselor that meets the needs of all the family members so that every member is able to express themselves honestly during therapy sessions. To find the right family counselor you have to understand your family’s needs.

What are You Looking for in Family Counseling?

People enter family counseling for a variety of reasons and it is vital to understand why you are seeking help. It may be because you are struggling with parenting issues, having communication difficulties with your spouse, or want to support your child through the process of therapy. Some family therapists can address all of these issues, but many will have specialties in different areas, so are more suited to providing specific kinds of therapy.

Couples Therapy

Many people see couples’ therapy as something which married couples engage in when their relationship has already broken down. It’s seen as a last resort to save the marriage. However, couples’ therapy is not only for couples who have reached this level of breakdown.

Rather, couples’ therapy can help people in relationships whether married, engaged or just dating. One benefit of couples’ therapy is that it increases the level of positive functioning in the relationship. Some people only require a few sessions in which they explore effective communication, conflict management, and handling abusive behavior.

Behavior Intervention

This type of therapy is perfect for families with children who are struggling with relationships with peers or adults in the community, at school or having difficulties at home. Behavior intervention includes both children and adults in the family.

In this type of family therapy, children are able to learn about acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. Methods such as rewards, praise and consequences can be utilized. Parents are taught the importance of boundaries, and how to build appropriate reward systems, as well as other important techniques.

Family counselors will often ask parents to describe what happens before, during and after the child’s problem behavior, and use this information to find solutions that will modify the behavior of both the child and the adults in these three areas.

Parents need to be part of behavior intervention sessions as they can learn skills from the therapist that can be later implemented at home.

Parent Coaching

Parent coaching differs from behavior intervention in that this type of family therapy in that this type focuses on the parents’ behavior. Children may be involved in the sessions, but do not have to be present for parent coaching to take place.

Coaching is a means of developing the skills that parents need to be able to support their child’s emotional, physical and social health. Parenting skills such as effective discipline, boundaries, and communication can be hugely beneficial.

Difficulties Between Parent and Child

Relationship difficulties between parents and children can have a severe impact on family dynamics. Family therapy can be effective in dealing with issues such as disrespect and fights and arguments. Children with mental health issues or who are going through puberty may also be helped by family counselors so that more positive relationships can be forged.

There’s no doubt that raising children can be challenging, and because children are individuals, parenting techniques that worked with older siblings may not work with other children.

This can be particularly frustrating and make relationships between parent and child fraught with stress. Family therapy can offer a means of rebuilding difficult relationships and finding the right skills to deal with issues that arise.

Navigating Systems Involvement (CPS, Police, Schools)

People in crisis often struggle in various different areas of their lives, and this may include education, legal and child protective services. Having the involvement of these systems can cause confusion and raise even more difficulties. You may feel that these outside organizations are taking over and pushing you around.

If you are having trouble dealing with the involvement of outside systems, and feel that you are not being listened to, it can be helpful to consider accessing therapy from a clinical social worker. These specially trained social workers have the skills necessary to navigate systems, provide advocacy, and give you the kind of therapeutic support that you and your family need.

What is Important in a Family Counselor?

The most crucial thing to consider when looking for a family therapist is that they are someone with whom you feel comfortable. Every therapist is different in some way or another, and sometimes a therapist’s manner or approach just won’t fit well with you.

For example, some therapists have a kind of “tough love” approach, which might not work for you, but a therapist who has a gentler approach may be a better fit for you – or vice versa.

Knowing the type of personality or manner in a therapist that would best fit your family is equally important as finding someone with the right kind of specialized skills for your difficulties. It is helpful to read a therapist’s website and articles or blogs they have written, as these will give you clues to the therapist’s personality and approach to therapy.

When you make an appointment with a family counselor, it is a good idea to ask questions about their working methods and their practice. This, too, is an effective way of seeing whether the therapist will be a good fit.

If you have doubts about whether you and your family will be comfortable with the counselor, then remember that there are other therapists who will be a better fit. It may take a little time, but you will find the right therapist for you.

It is helpful to take into consideration the type of practice the counselor has. Some are based on religion, others focus primarily on children or adults. These considerations are important because they are factors that impact the way the therapist is used to working.

Faith-based practices can help by bringing faith into sessions, as part of the healing process, and this is not for everyone. Other practices that cater mainly for adults may not have skills in play therapy or involving children in sessions. Likewise, practices who work primarily with children may not have all the tools needed to work with adult aspects of family therapy, such as adult children.

Other Things to Consider

In addition to issues regarding the type of therapy and the therapist, you should consider the costs involved in family therapy. Family therapy can be expensive, but when you put it into perspective and consider the costs of other failed attempts at healing, it may not seem so expensive.

Therapy is a little like preventative medicine. Investing in therapy now can save a lot of expense and pain in the future. Therapy can also be made more affordable with a little knowledge.

Some therapists will bill insurance directly, classed as in-network providers. This means that they will take payment from you and bill your insurance on your behalf.

However, a lot of therapists will not take insurance directly, because there are high costs involved in their kind of business. They operate as “out of network providers”. This means that they will bill you for the session fee and give you a receipt. This receipt can be given to your insurance provider, and you will get back a percentage of the fee paid.

It is a good idea to ask your insurance provider how much they will reimburse you, and what limitations there are on what they will pay for. It is unwise to assume that your insurance will pay for your therapy and then find yourself in debt because your insurance won’t pay out.

An alternative to paying for therapy as part of insurance (if you don’t want to use your insurance or don’t have insurance) is to pay for therapy “out of pocket”, which is paying the therapist their fee each session. Rates can range between $150 and $200 a session. Fees do vary considerably, so it is vital that you ask your therapist their fee before deciding about therapy.

Many families will pay up to 25% of their combined income on therapy. This may seem like a lot, but don’t forget that therapy is preventative, and can substantially increase functionality in families.

Some therapists offer what is known as a sliding scale for people who may struggle to pay for therapy due to limited income. The therapist changes their rate according to the client’s income. Not all therapists offer this, and the amounts charged can vary considerably. Often their sliding scale will be based on things such as their business operating costs, and the size of their practice in addition to client income.

If you feel that you cannot pay for therapy or that private practice isn’t for you, then there are some non-profit agencies that will accept state insurance if you have it. Other practices may offer discounted therapy from trainee therapists who are not yet fully licensed.

Where Can I Find a Therapist Near Me?

Once you know the type and style of therapist that your family needs, you can start looking in your local area for a therapist that meets your requirements. If you want to find “in-network providers,” your insurance provider may be able to give you a list of therapists who bill directly to them. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can be a helpful resource as you search for the right therapist for your family’s needs.

If you’re looking for providers who accept state insurance, look for a non-profit in the area who may be able to help.

Photos:
“Family”, Courtesy of Laurel Harvey, Flickr.com, CC BY 2.0 License; “Engagement”, Courtesy of Duy Truong, Flickr.com, CC BY 2.0 License; “Resting”, Courtesy of Ardanea, Morguefile.com, CC 2.0 License; “One big, happy family,” courtesy of pixabay.com, pexels.com, CC0 License