Friendship Matters: The Definition of a True Friend

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What is the definition of a true friend? In our increasingly lonely society, friendship matters more than ever. In this article, we’ll probe both of these ideas and give you tips on looking for a true friendship.

Making friends is something we typically learn to do when we’re young. In one sense, it’s easier to make friends when you’re younger for a variety of reasons. You’re at the same stage of life, occupied by and involved in pretty much the same things; you probably live close to one another, and you see each other quite often because of school and other activities. All this makes it possible to make friendships within your peer group.

These commonalities become more complicated the older you get. The guys you play ultimate frisbee with may be married or unmarried, divorced or widowed, unemployed, or have significant work. They may have kids, but also maybe not. Some may be Ivy League-educated, while others didn’t go far with school. They may live close to you, or much further off. Seeking guidance from professionals like the at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling, can provide the support and guidance.

You may or may not be in the same economic bracket. Some may be believers, while others are staunch atheists. You may have people across the political spectrum in one team. In other words, there may be one point of intersection – ultimate frisbee – with a thousand and one other points of potential divergence. You can still make friends there, but it’s a bit trickier to manage than in grade school.

Americans of working age are often quite busy, finding themselves consumed by their work. The recent pandemic certainly did not help in our opportunities to retain and make new friendships, and in recent years there’s been an increase in friendlessness, particularly among young American men.

According to a recent study by Survey Center on American Life, “Americans report having fewer close friendships than they once did, talking to their friends less often, and relying less on their friends for personal support.”

According to that study, around 36% of young men reach out to their parents first when they’re dealing with a personal problem, compared to around just 17% in 1990.

Because of Covid, “nearly half (47%) of Americans report having lost touch with at least a few friends over the past 12 months” with almost 59% of women saying that they fell out of contact with close friends during the last 18 months or so. It’s never been more important to cultivate friendships and to understand what a true friendship is.

The Definition of a True Friend

These are some of the most important elements of a true friendship:

Common interests 

A true friend is a person with whom you have things in common. While friendships certainly do develop between two or more unlikely people, what we often find is that the group shares things in common, and they are able to carry on as a group by cultivating those things.

One of the most articulate expressions of what friendship is and how it grows was explained by C. S. Lewis. In The Four Loves, Lewis says,

“Friendship arises out of mere Companionship when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden).

“The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one.’ … It is when two such persons discover one another, when, whether with immense difficulties and semi-articulate fumblings or with what would seem to us amazing and elliptical speed, they share their vision – it is then that Friendship is born. And instantly they stand together in an immense solitude.”

Friendship can be forged because you love the same authors, sports, movies, food, and many other things. That seed can be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Mutual support

One of the ways a true friend shows up is that the focus isn’t solely on them, but your relationship has a strong core of mutual support. It’s a poor friend indeed who keeps the focus on themselves, or who makes the foundation of the friendship their own needs.

A true friend is there to bring out the best in you, just as you do in their life. You stand with one another in your seasons of need, joy, and mourning. Friendship is a mutual appreciation society – you appreciate the things you have in common with one another, and you appreciate each other.

Presence

Friendships can get complicated by distance. But one of the joys of a true friend is that they make a gift of themselves and their presence in your life. There is a huge difference between relating to someone through a screen versus them being physically present.

While we can gain much from our online acquaintances, there’s something about an embodied presence that simply can’t be replicated. When you’re going through a tough time, a text or facetime call from a friend will do in a pinch. However, their presence in the room with you is priceless. There is something irreplaceable about being together with your friends, about giving one another the gift of our presence.

C.S. Lewis also gives us this gem of a quote: “In a perfect Friendship, this Appreciative love is, I think, often so great and so firmly based that each member of the circle feels, in his secret heart, humbled before the rest. Sometimes he wonders what he is doing there among his betters. He is lucky beyond desert to be in such company. Especially when the whole group is together; each bringing out all that is best, wisest, or funniest in all the others.

Those are the golden sessions; when four or five of us after a hard day’s walk have come to our inn; when our slippers are on, our feet spread out toward the blaze and our drinks are at our elbows; when the whole world, and something beyond the world, opens itself to our minds as we talk; and no one has any claim on or any responsibility for another, but all are freemen and equals as if we had first met an hour ago, while at the same time an Affection mellowed by the years enfolds us. Life — natural life — has no better gift to give. Who could have deserved it?”

The pandemic has certainly made it harder for us to be present for and with one another, but it has hopefully highlighted that it is more important than we could have ever known. We can be creative in how to be safely present with others in this season, but we have an appreciation for why it’s important to be present for and with our friends, to enjoy being in the same space as them.

Accountability and loving truth-telling

Proverbs 27:6 (DRA) reminds us, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” A true friend may wound us with their truth-telling, but we must remember that when the truth is told to us in love, there is no more precious gift we can be given. A true friend isn’t there to simply hype you up and sanction everything you say and do; they also challenge you to be a better version of yourself.

This vision of friendship is something we can better appreciate if we understand how it’s possible that God is using our friendships to make us into better people.

Again, Lewis’ The Four Loves helps us out here, “In friendship…we think we have chosen our peers. In reality a few years’ difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another…the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting–any of these chances might have kept us apart.

“But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking, no chances. A secret master of ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, ‘Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,’ can truly say to every group of Christian friends, ‘Ye have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another.’ The friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others.”

Our friends can help to keep us accountable and bring out the beauty in us, and we do the same for them.

True friendship seeks other likeminded souls

Our hearts often want to cling to good things in a selfish way. We don’t always like to share, and that’s a common human foible. A good friendship, and a good friend, will not curve in on itself and become self-serving. Instead, we find that we enjoy meeting other like-minded people and bringing them into our circle. if we are secure in ourselves and our identity, bringing others into our friendship circles is something that brings delight.

What’s the reason for this? One last bit of wisdom from C. S. Lewis on this subject:

“In each of my friends, there is something that only some other friend can fully bring out. By myself I am not large enough to call the whole man into activity; I want other lights than my own to show all his facets… Hence true Friendship is the least jealous of loves. Two friends delight to be joined by a third, and three by a fourth, if only the newcomer is qualified to become a real friend. They can then say, as the blessed souls say in Dante, ‘Here comes one who will augment our loves.’ For in this love to divide is not to take away.”

A true friend isn’t selfish in their love toward you. They know that the love of others can bring you more fully into yourself, and so there is always room for others.

Need help cultivating true friendship? You can meet with a Christian Counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling for individual advice based on biblical principles to help you find a true friend.

Photos:
“Friends in a Field”, Courtesy of Melissa Askew, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Buddies”, Courtesy of Helena Lopes, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Posing for the Picture”, Courtesy of Naassom Azevedo, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Coffee Chat”, Courtesy of Prisiclla Du Preez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

What to Do with a Broken Relationship

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Relationships are beautiful, but slightly fragile things. We thrive when we’re in meaningful relationships with others, and that is how it should be. Our relationships are a major part of what allows us to flourish, and likewise, when our relationships are out of joint, we find that our life loses color. That’s when we need to learn what to do with a broken relationship.

What to Do with a Broken Relationship

It can take years to build a relationship with someone – a long-cherished friendship, an open and mutually supportive parent-child connection, or a solid and fulfilling marriage. However, the unfortunate reality is that what takes years to build can be undermined in a matter of mere moments. If you’re facing challenges, Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you rebuild and strengthen those relationships.

Whether through a betrayal of trust, unkind words spoken in anger, or the failure to meet expectations, a relationship can end up facing serious challenges. Though sometimes the damage done is hard to repair, relationship challenges can often be overcome in healthy ways.

The older you get, the more you come to understand how precious relationships are, and their fragility as well. Broken relationships are a sad fact of life, but thankfully we aren’t left without options for what to do if things go south. Whether you are the one that has made a mistake that leaves a relationship in shambles, or you’re the one that is on the receiving end, here are a few things to consider about a broken relationship.

Recognize how brokenness is a part of life.

The world is a messy place. It’s not okay that it’s a messy place, but it’s just the reality. Part of the messiness of the world and ourselves is that our relationships are less than perfect, just as we are less than perfect. Disappointment and heartbreak are just some of the seasons we can expect in life (Ecclesiastes 3).

Sara Teasdale wrote, “It is strange how often a heart must be broken before the years can make it wise.” The messiness and brokenness of our world hurt, and our hearts will be broken many times in our lifetime, but there is one small comfort in the face of all this – we can learn and grow even amid these painful experiences, and our hearts can become more resilient and wiser.

This means that broken relationships aren’t the end of us – they don’t close our doors to other opportunities, and they certainly aren’t a unique occurrence. While it can be devastating and hugely challenging to suffer from a broken relationship, we don’t have to be overwhelmed and entirely undone.

Try to find out what happened.

When a relationship breaks down, it may come as a complete surprise to you. Or, in some cases, perhaps you know or can make a good guess at what happened and how things fell apart in your relationship. Perhaps you can pinpoint the precise moment when things crumbled and the relationship was changed forever. While it may seem like dragging yourself through unnecessary pain – doing a post-mortem of your relationship can help you in several ways.

Taking time to discern what happened can help you in making a meaningful apology and in changing certain things if that’s what’s needed. For instance, If you betrayed your friend’s trust by telling someone else a secret, you can take several steps.

You may need to work through what you did, why you did it, and exercise empathy for the other person. These steps will help you understand on a deeper level what went wrong and how you find yourself in your present predicament. When you make your apology, all these things are elements to consider.

Knowing what may have gone wrong will alert you to things you should avoid in other relationships. We want to grow as people, and one way to do that is to learn through our own mistakes. Whether you’re the one responsible for the broken relationship or not, we can learn important lessons about ourselves and other people in the wake of a disruptive event in the relationship.

You may need to adjust expectations, communicate needs more clearly, or establish clearer boundaries with others. These are valuable ideas to ponder because they help us understand ourselves and our relationships better. Understanding why this particular relationship broke down can help you get back on track more securely, or it can help you better cultivate your other relationships.

While it’s important to understand what happened and how things fell apart, we must also recognize that understanding what happened does have its limits. In Mend my Broken Heart, Jocelyn Soriano wrote “Yes, I understand why things had to happen this way. I understand his reason for causing me pain. But mere understanding does not chase away the hurt. It does not call upon the sun when dark clouds have loomed over me. Let the rain come then if it must come! And let it wash away the dust that hurt my eyes!”

If you’re the one who has been betrayed and hurt, understanding what happened and why may be cold comfort. Sometimes, understanding helps us come to grips with our new reality, but it can only go so far.

Ask for forgiveness.

We all make mistakes. But we don’t all make the same mistakes in the same way, nor are we consistent in dealing with others the way we would want to be treated. This makes for messy relationships, self-righteousness attitudes, and often an unwillingness to change.

Asking for forgiveness is one important way to try and restore a broken relationship. When you acknowledge what you’ve done wrong, recognize how you’ve hurt the other person, and can clearly see ways of doing better in the future, that can create room to repair a broken relationship. An apology might not fix everything, but it’s a great starting point.

If trust was broken, it may be a long road to get back there again, if you can manage it. One of the ways an apology is powerful is that it lets the other person know that you’re on the same page about your behavior. They now know that you know that what you did was wrong, and for them that can be an important step in finding healing.

If you’re the one whose trust was violated, you can consider what your options are, including extending forgiveness to the person that hurt you. The Bible says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). This verse is a powerful reminder of our own brokenness and need for forgiveness. It allows us to empathize with those who have sinned against us.

Forgiving the other person might not mean that things completely reset, but it does mean that you’re choosing to let go of any resentment or bitter feelings toward that person. It’s a way to begin the work of rebuilding the relationship, should you so choose.

Additionally, if you’re the one who was hurt, you might need to redraw or restate your boundaries with other people. Every healthy relationship requires healthy boundaries, and when one or more of those are violated, that situation can provide you with an opportunity to either restate or redraw those boundaries as needed.

Pick up the pieces.

You need to decide for yourself how the relationship is important to you and what you’re willing to do for it. True friendships, familial relationships, and other meaningful connections with others aren’t easy to find or replace, especially if they’ve been the work of years to cultivate.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t or shouldn’t move on from these relationships if they are harmful, but it does mean we need to weigh carefully what we do with them. In some cases, walking away may be the best thing you can do, while in others working on things is what wisdom dictates.

Take time to heal and process what’s happened. Picking up the pieces of a broken relationship is hard work, whether you’re picking up those pieces to try and put them back together again, or you’re picking them up to set them aside.

Whether you’re the cause of the broken relationship or not, when a significant human connection falls apart, it hurts. If you need help processing a broken relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out to a trustworthy individual such as a friend, family member, spiritual advisor, or trained Christian therapist. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling are here to guide you through healing and restoration.

Photos:
“Just Married”, Courtesy of Nikita Shirokov, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Daisy from Below”, Courtesy of Aaron Burden, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Hope”, Courtesy of Ronak Valobobhai, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Reading the Bible”, Courtesy of Jessica Delp, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Knowing the Signs of a Toxic Relationship

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Relationships take various forms, and they go through their own peaks and valleys, just as with the rest of life. In a marriage, for instance, the couple might move from the honeymoon phase and into a season of financial hardship that tests their ability to resolve conflict and problem-solve. Some couples will struggle with that, while others will deal with the conflict and difficult circumstances in a healthy manner.

Again, couples go through all sorts of things, and many healthy relationships will face challenges, sometimes with mixed results. However, the mark of healthy relationships is that they don’t remain in a state of conflict, nor do they endlessly repeat the same mistakes without learning or growing from them.

In other words, difficult seasons will come, but healthy relationships weather those storms through mutual respect, affection, good conflict management skills, and so on.

In other relationships, what’s lacking are these same hallmarks of a healthy relationship. These toxic relationships are a hotbed of simmering conflict – one or both partners are in constant fight or flight mode, and they are not happy or fulfilled. There can be toxic patterns in a relationship, but a toxic relationship is one in which those patterns are a feature, not a bug in the system. Below are a few signs to look out for that might point to your relationship as being toxic. If you find yourself in such a relationship, seeking support through Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you navigate these challenges.

Emotional detachment in a toxic relationship.

In a healthy relationship, the partners are emotionally connected and vulnerable to one another. They share themselves, offer one another validation, and show that they care for each other in various ways. Emotional detachment can happen for a season, say for instance if one partner is in a time crunch at work. However, sharing one’s feelings with their partner is what makes for a healthy relationship. Emotional detachment can happen in various ways, including:

You don’t celebrate each other’s wins. In a healthy relationship, the couple supports one another and celebrates their respective wins. If the atmosphere in the relationship is one where your wins aren’t celebrated, and possibly where an air of competition reigns, that could be problematic.

Negative spontaneous emotional reactions. Your partner’s gut-level impressions of you, such as whether they like you or find you interesting, or whether they think you are competent, or how you might compare to other people – all these can point to the health of your relationship. A relationship dominated by spontaneous negative emotional reactions is a cause for concern.

Lack of self-disclosure. Relationship health is supported by emotional self-disclosure, where you are vulnerable with, listen to, and mutually support each other. Sharing your important feelings within the relationship matters, as does listening well and being responsive to such self-disclosures. If this interplay of sharing and listening well is absent from the relationship, it is cause for concern.

Few positive non-verbal behaviors. We speak with more than just our words. We can use touch, our faces, our bodies, and the tone of our voices to communicate alongside our words. A relational environment where there are few positive non-verbal behaviors such as smiles, laughter, hugging, etc., might point to an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship.

It’s also important to ask yourself if the dominant tone of your relationship is one of affirmation or criticism. Of course, we don’t always get things right, but if your spouse is constantly criticizing you – how you dress, how you look, speak, act, and so on, that’s not a healthy situation. Emotional detachment, if it becomes a habit, signals the deterioration of a relationship, and it needs to be addressed.

A lack of safety in a toxic relationship.

In a relationship, it’s important for you and your children to feel safe. Safety can be emotional or physical safety. With emotional safety, do you feel able to express your emotions without feeling judged or like you’re failing somehow? Do you feel like people care how you feel, and that your emotions are taken into consideration?

Physical safety can be compromised if you’re threatened with violence, or if resources such as food, clothing, health care, and shelter are held at ransom. Relationships marked by the lack of safety are likely toxic.

No boundaries or boundaries are repeatedly violated

Boundaries are important for the health of any relationship. Boundaries signal that each person has their own personality and needs, and respecting those boundaries shows consideration and promotes individual integrity. Boundaries can center around finances, privacy, use of time, friendships, sex, and much else.

If in your relationship you either don’t have boundaries or the boundaries you set are violated repeatedly, it may signal a toxic relationship. Each relationship needs boundaries to prevent it from slipping into codependency or other similar dysfunction, and when boundaries are violated, there need to be consequences. Repeated violations of reasonable boundaries display a fundamental lack of respect that needs to be remedied.

Constant cover-ups in a toxic relationship.

Spouses often cover for one another. This can happen for a variety of reasons, including not wanting them to look bad, or wanting to spare them from something uncomfortable or humiliating. There is a line between that and covering up bad behavior for them so that they escape accountability, or so that truth about them doesn’t get out.

If you find yourself often covering up for your partner because they were drunk, rude, physically, or verbally abusive, and so on, that points to a toxic relationship dynamic. You shouldn’t be part of their personal PR and cleanup crew, and covering up for them reveals unhealthy (possibly codependent) dynamics in the relationship.

Lack of freedom in a toxic relationship.

In a meaningful relationship with our significant other, we should feel the most accepted and loved within that space. When we are with our friends, these are supposed to be the people that get us, that understand our weirdness and welcome us, nonetheless. In our family, that space above others is where we ought to feel appreciated, loved for who we are, and feel that our best interests are high up on the agenda.

If you feel that you don’t have freedom in your relationship, it’s possibly problematic. Possibly problematic because sometimes we want more freedom than we ought to get, like a teenager wanting to stay out way beyond what their parent thinks is wise, or if a spouse wants the freedom to commit adultery.

Rather, the freedom in mind here relates to things like feeling the freedom to be yourself, to make mistakes, to be with people such as your friends and family. It’s a problem when you’re constantly criticized for being who you are, if any mistakes you make are closely scrutinized while those of others aren’t, or if you get isolated from people such as your family and friends.

You should be able to meet with your family and hang with your friends, but when your partner wants to isolate you, it’s a sign of toxicity and may be a prelude to other abusive behaviors.

A lack of mutuality in a toxic relationship.

At the heart of a relationship is what you do for each other. You celebrate one another; you are there for one another during your tough times; you rebuke one another when there is a need for it, you forgive each other for mistakes that you make, you take on responsibilities to help one another flourish, and you each make compromises for the sake of the other.

If you find yourself in a situation where this is flowing in one direction, that could be a sign of a toxic relationship. A lack of mutuality in a relationship is a cause for concern that you should take seriously. There ought to be a healthy give and take within the relationship, and while things are never balanced equally, there should be some level of reciprocity in how you do things in your relationship.

It cannot be that only one person constantly needs to be forgiven, that one person is the one who makes the compromises, or that only one person needs rebuke. A relationship is the coming together of equals, and that means each of you must receive dignity, respect, and consideration.

Conclusion

If you detect these signs of toxicity in your relationship, having a conversation with your partner about them can help you begin addressing the issue. With the help of a Christian Counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling, you can turn a toxic relationship around, but it needs you both to show up and put in the work.

Photos:
“Holding Hands”, Courtesy of Shelby Deeter, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Hugs”, Courtesy of Candice Picard, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “I give you my heart”, Courtesy of Kelly Sikkema, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Holding Hands”, Courtesy of Pablo Heimplatz, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

3 Ways to Save Your Marriage

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You are here because you want to save your marriage? Good for you! We are proud that you are not giving up so easily as many others do. The divorce rate is steadily increasing to 60% in many parts of the U.S. and sadly those are the ones that are being reported.

For example, my wife’s parents want a divorce, but they can’t afford it, so they have just agreed to separate. Their hearts, though, are divorced. There are many couples like that and despite the sad reality, we offer you a fresh way to look at your marriage in hopes to help you retake back that amazing relationship that God destined you to have! Huntington Beach Christian Counseling offers guidance and support to help you restore and strengthen your marriage.

3 Ways to Save Your Marriage

There are three C’s that we will be covering today: Compatibility, Compromising, and the most powerful one, Complimentary. These three stages of relationship maturity can help put some perspective to see where you are at in your marriage to see what is next for us to move on.

Sometimes having perspective can guide you in a gentle practical way that disarms both partners instead of having to make one of you the villain and the other the hero. My perspective has always been not to make one person the terrible monster but to understand the other person’s upbringing and what has transpired throughout the relationship that has aided both partners to be who they are today.

If there has been infidelity or betrayal, we don’t excuse that behavior by looking away. We confront it and deal with it so that there can be a resolution between both spouses, where appropriate. The 3 C’s are designed to help the partners in a relationship start a dialogue that will show them how they can move together to the next step.

Compatibility

Compatibility is a nice start to any relationship because it’s about sharing common interests. I’m sure both you and your partner were mutually attracted to each other. You both shared great moments that bonded you together.

Many couples love hiking, dancing, watching movies together, traveling, working on projects, they love pets, they have strong academic values, they want kids, they don’t want kids, etc. They have a common sharing that defines who they are that joins them together.

The riff between compatible people is when the sharing runs out. One spouse may like sports and that spouse may choose to watch ESPN instead of going on a date with their partner. That can cause tensions that turn into arguments. That same couple will then argue because the same spouse who loves watching sports may now want sexual intimacy but the spouse who was neglected will feel distant and say that they are tired.

By now I’m sure you see that these issues can slowly begin to turn a marriage into a rusty and withered relationship. How can compatibility save your marriage? This can save your marriage because you can talk to your spouse about how both of you had a great start but how you need to move forward. The start needs to be celebrated. Reflect on the enjoyable times you had together which will help you both to bond again.

It’s hard to stay angry when both of you reminisce about awesome times that both of you had. This can disarm the angriest of spouses and turn their cynicism to hope. Compatibility is not the complete answer, however, because no couple on this planet relies only on compatibility.

There will always need to be a sacrifice made to support the other spouse. Unfortunately, many couples end their relationship right at this step and don’t move beyond because the differences separate them to the point of no return. The good news is that it doesn’t have to end here and that it can mature and move on.

Compromising

We need to humble ourselves sometimes with big decisions so that as a couple we can mutually benefit. This is a noble perspective and helpful for compatible couples to understand. My wife and I use to argue about our dates which ended up ruining some of our Saturday nights. We made a pact to alternate our dates by giving each other two dates per month for us to coordinate.

When it was my turn, I would love to go to an open mall, eat some spicy food and then go see an action movie. Not the most romantic I know. When it was my wife’s turn, we would go to the beach and then eat dinner at sunset which was definitely romantic. We were able to learn about each other and appreciate how the other loved to have fun.

We learned to compromise which helped us to grow in our relationship before it got stale. Maybe your relationship is stale at this point, and it needs some saving. Most couples may be at this stage, which is a great step to be on, however, sometimes there are betrayals and hurts during this stage and we must compromise to make the marriage work. Many couples are in this stage because they have been dating and been married for years.

If you have suffered pain because of your spouse or both of you are in deep stuff my heart goes out to you. I want you to feel validated and supported by this article which may spark a talk between you and your partner to talk about this stage. You can talk about how you have compromised in certain areas in your relationship which can then uplift the marriage in its strengths.

A positive tone will help a lot with communication because it can win someone over. The main issue with the stage of compromise is that it can take you far but not all the way. It’s great to compromise however, one spouse may get burned out if they don’t have the constant refreshment.

Hebrews 3:12-13 says that our hearts need daily encouragement to remain soft. If we aren’t open and don’t encourage one another then it will take only a day to harden our hearts. Compromising also begs the spouse who is constantly sacrificing to request love in return. I sure feel that way when I sacrifice for my wife. If I help her with the home or take care of the car, I can expect favors in return.

However, she may not be so ready to return that love the way that I expect. I confess that it hurts, and I feel resentment in my heart, so I become quiet and resistant. It happens the other way around too. My wife may help me out with m projects or take care of responsibilities in the home and then she can expect me to be grateful for her efforts. Sometimes I don’t notice which hurts her and I let her down. Compromising is a great stage to be in, but it won’t be the stage to save your marriage.

Complimentary

I don’t mean complimentary as in saying compliments to your spouse. All though I highly recommend that you verbally compliment your partner to lift them up. I can testify that verbally complimenting my wife has helped our marriage so much. My wife feels acknowledged and honored in our home. You can never go wrong with that.

However, the real meaning of being a complimentary couple is being a couple who helps elevate each other. This perspective and lifestyle will save your marriage. It takes both of you, no matter the past or present, to get this right on point. One spouse trying this out may not get it done but it’s a start.

After a few weeks if you don’t see a change in your spouse please reach out for help. Therapy, couples’ groups, church retreats, classes, training, support groups, group dates, being ministered by a shepherding couple in your church, all these things can help support you and your spouse.

Before I get derailed, let’s go back to what a complimentary couple looks like. That couple is first willing to help and initiate help. This is a stark contrast to Compromising (the second of the 3 C’s), because with Compromising you must sacrifice. Most times, when we sacrifice, we aren’t willing. We sacrifice out of nobility or necessity. We may be talked into it or discipled into it. It’s not from our willing hearts.

Most of us sacrifice begrudgingly and hope for the best. With this last C, the Compromising couple serves and helps each other so that the couple is elevated. They are thinking “How can I help my spouse so both of us succeed?” This is an amazing perspective because both partners will feel inspired by the other to the point where both are going to try to outgive themselves in a healthy way.

Think about that vision for a moment. Both spouses work together to help elevate each other. What kind of marriage do you think they’ll have? It won’t be just a surviving marriage; it will be a thriving marriage! This is the secret to saving your marriage. Both of you must sit down, most likely with another couple, and process this vision to help both learn to inspire each other. This cannot be done alone. Both partners must work together so both of you can prosper.

Remember that none of these stages are bad. They are all good. The point of this article is to prepare you to have a fruitful discussion with your spouse about where both of you are. You may be tempted to think that both of you are in different stages. Please remember that it’s both of you together. So, both of you would be in the same stage.

Maybe one of you is ready to move on, but I strongly encourage that spouse to slow down and wait for the other spouse to catch up before moving on. This way doing the stages together will help the other spouse feel loved by you and ready to move forward. Once you identify which stage you are in then you will be ready to discuss how to take the appropriate steps for the next one.

The process of the 3 C’s will help disarm both of you and help ensure that you are taking the same steps onward as a couple. Have another couple walk with you in this way so that you have accountability and support if there are any riffs between you. My deepest conviction is that if you give the 3 C’s a try, it can show you where you are and help you see where you want to go. And that’s to be the best marriage you can be!

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church – for we are members of his body.

“For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. – Ephesians 5:21-33

Christian Marriage Counseling

If you’re looking for additional support, I invite you to contact me or one of the other Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling in the online counselor directory to schedule an appointment. It would be my pleasure to meet with you to help you not only save your marriage, but to strengthen it beyond what you’ve experienced before.

Photos:
“Coffee and Conversation”, Courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Eye to Eye”, Courtesy of Andriyko Podilnyk, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Devotions”, Courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Kissing”, Courtesy of Mauricio Livio, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Premarital Counseling for Today’s Generation

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Many couples are reflecting on how 2020 went for them and wondering how 2021 will treat them. We noticed a boom of weddings in 2020 despite the pandemic. This encouraged many to get engaged and to hopefully get married in 2021. We may wonder why people are getting married, and it could be as simple a matter as singles and dating couples being tired of living alone. If you’re navigating relationship decisions, Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you navigate relationship decisions and strengthen your commitment.

The pandemic has brought many issues to the surface such as depression due to constant isolation and anxiety when alone. Autophobia is the fear of being alone and is especially difficult the older you are. Undoubtedly families and couples did better than singles while being left alone for such a long time during the pandemic.

Although some took the risk of going out during the outbreak, many had no option but to stay at home out of concern for a loved one. This woke up many men and women to consider moving forward with their partners toward marriage. This is a noble solution to the problem of being alone. Wisdom would say that although it’s great to get married, we must build solidly to have a long-lasting marriage.

As a minister, I notice that couples in our church tend to rush into marriage but many, if not all, of these couples wisely seek advice. The pandemic is causing doubts and questions for possible weddings of 2021 such as financial costs, wedding attendance, where to live, school, jobs, family distance, etc.

A blessing in disguise of the pandemic is that it is helping couples to work through these issues with others, which is helping them to count the cost of moving forward.

Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’ – Luke 14:28-30

These couples cannot afford to put up money for a big wedding, and they are wondering where to live because, if the pandemic extends, they want to know could they be safe, and what is around them in walking distance i.e., parks, beach, trails, stores, etc. With this in mind, partners are asking one another about pre-marital counseling.

Premarital counseling is a foundational precursor to a healthy marriage because we tend to invest in what’s important to us. The passage in Luke helps us to consider how we are building. Couples aren’t just “fools rush in”, there is an alternative that can support a stronger relationship that will remain resilient during challenging times.

Sadly, many couples also ended their relationship in 2020 because the pandemic tested them beyond their capabilities and forced them to tap out. Couples’ characters were exposed and with the added pressures of isolation, they had no one to turn to. These marriages had little to no support that otherwise could have been of immense help.

The question is, why didn’t these couples have support? We could chalk it up to many possibilities, but one vital reason could be that it wasn’t discussed at their premarital counseling. We all have friends, but we don’t turn to them to get input especially about sensitive material as insecurities, sexual intimacy, conflict, jealousy, deceit, secrets, etc.

If adequate support is not set up in advance this challenge can be difficult to overcome. We all need support to move forward in life. We all appreciate the heroic stories of individuals, but the most encouraging ones are the teams of heroes that show everyone’s strengths and weaknesses.

The Avengers, Justice League, and Star Wars are all some of the biggest box office hits in the last decade. The reason for their success is that they are teams fighting off a great evil. These have become bigger revenue-generating franchises and have overtaken the individual hero’s place as top of the box office king. Why do we have less enthusiasm about being a team in our marriages? Marriage is a perfect opportunity to be a team and have others team up to helps us.

Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

– Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

This is an interesting passage for couples because if my partner and I are one then who is going to help our one unit? Some may suggest that spouses are the other individual to help them out, but we can challenge that position by reminding everyone of the goal that God designed in Genesis 2:24 “the two will become one.”

By that principle, a couple who follows the word of God is one unit. The secret of Christian marriage is that we get to celebrate two lives joined together in holy matrimony, yet they are not alone. In the kingdom of God, we have support and guidance to face any issue. Marriages should never be alone. As separate individuals, we can support one another and maximize the potential of our unions.

2021 is going to be a full year of many couples dating, getting engaged, then married. Families will begin and many joyous occasions will take place. During those moments there will be stress and anxiety and one way to combat those symptoms will be to get premarital counseling as soon as possible.

First, dating or engaged couples can jumpstart their long-term relationship by investing in a healthy premarital counseling series so that they can develop a great foundation to make their marriage strong. Second, they can develop a support network. If they do these two crucial things, along with reading their Bible and praying every day, then they can have confidence that will stay together for the long haul.

If for some reason their church, ministry, friends, or community cannot provide that, then therapy can be a great alternative. Marriage and Family therapists are trained in basic approaches that can help couples in their relationships hence the title “marriage” therapist. Some may say that therapy is too pricey and could take up a lot of your time. An argument can be made that investing in your relationship is priceless.

When I married Nicole, there was no price too high to pay for the ring, wedding, and honeymoon. We had a budget of course, but my attitude was that I wanted to invest in the things I thought were important to me. Where we put our money shows where we are invested.

My advice to those of you reading this article is that if you are considering getting married soon, think about possibly getting premarital counseling through a therapist who will be impartial and professional. Sometimes our friends and family can mean well when it comes to giving us premarital advice but at times that can have some biases attached with it.

A professional therapist is trained to be in the middle and not side with either partner. The licensed marriage and family therapist will work with both individuals to help bring issues to light that could be of concern and to build skills to help them navigate expectations for the future.

Having a healthy dynamic marriage is priceless. I look back to when Nicole and I got premarital counseling and I shudder to think what would be said of us right now if we had never invested in our relationship after our engagement. In truth, our marriage would be a nightmare.

I’m grateful that others supported me and helped me to learn ways to communicate effectively, how to plan out my week with my wife, prioritizing biblical values, sexual intimacy, reconciliation, daily encouragement, effective roles, letting go of past hurts, submitting to one another, listening, finances, etc. Many couples get married and do not talk about these issues.

It is no wonder that couples have so many arguments. They approach their relationship with optimism but then they hit a snag after the vows. When conflict arises, they realize that they didn’t prepare for these issues and are shocked when they have no one to turn to. They want to save face, so they keep it “in-house”. They go to church and pretend that everything is fine.

Deep down, however, they are yearning for help so that they can grow. This piece is written for those looking forward to getting married this year but honestly, anyone can get counseling at any point in their relationship. It’s an investment that will reap long-lasting rewards. One spouse can go alone, although it is highly recommended that both attend. For guidance, Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling is here to help couples strengthen their relationships.

If the couple is healthy, and one spouse wants to process a trauma from their past, then that one spouse should get therapy and may not need to include the other. If the conflict affects both, then both should attend to get therapy. Premarital counseling will prepare the couple so that they will not be blindsided by any potential threats.

Athletes say that the worst hit they take on the field is the one they don’t see coming. With premarital counseling, not only will you be ready for those challenges, but you will also be ready to confront them. Not only will you be ready to confront them but be victorious as a wonderful team. I close out with an encouraging analogy from Jesus on how to build our spiritual homes:

Therefore, everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash. – Matthew 7:24-27

Photos:
“Rings”, Courtesy of Nick Karvounis, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Love & Respect”, Courtesy of Kelly Sikkema, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Holding Hands”, Courtesy of Brooke Cagle, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Devotions Together”, Courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Helpful and Instructive Bible Verses about Relationships

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God has designed relationships to be a safe, healing, and fun place for which we can fully express ourselves, fully serve and love one another, and fully glorify God. Because we live in a dysfunctional and fallen world, our relationships don’t always match the picture God has in mind.

  • Fathers abuse children.
  • Mothers abandon.
  • Brothers take.
  • Sisters scream.
  • Spouses dishonor.
  • Children rebel.
  • Friends disappoint.
  • Co-workers lie.
  • Bosses mistreat.

Yet in the midst of the pain and dysfunction, relationships are also a birthplace of beauty and can be an example of God’s love for us. They can be the very places we experience the depths of God’s joy, compassion, companionship, and more.

  • Fathers play.
  • Mothers stay.
  • Brothers give.
  • Sisters comfort.
  • Spouses respect.
  • Children obey.
  • Friends showup.
  • Co-workers uplift.
  • Bosses promote.

There is nothing more precious and rewarding than to have a friend or family member who knows you and loves you in all of your glory and faults. There is nothing more fulfilling than having a bond with someone so deep that he or she can finish your sentences, anticipate your responses, belly laugh with you in the middle of a store, and share in the joys and sorrows of life. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you nurture and strengthen these meaningful relationships.

Some relationships can be easier than others. You might not speak for months and then pick back up exactly where you left off without a hurt feeling or missed beat. Others require effort, intentional knitting, and building.

From our family relationships to our marriages to our friendships, there are many Scriptures on relationships that can guide us to building a wonderful and enriching community of support and love.

Bible Verses about Relationships

Below you will find some helpful Bible verses about relationships, including verses about friendship, Bible verses for couples, and more.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. – Ephesians 4:2

In our relationships, God instructs us to be patient and to bear with one another in love. When you’ve been disappointed, when a spouse or child or mother or father sins, we’re asked to be humble, gentle, and bear with that person.

Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs. – Proverbs 10:12

When you’ve been wronged or severely hurt, it can be easy to hate that person. Hatred stirs up conflict and paves a pretty path for further hurts and wrongs to continue. Love covers all wrongs, even the worst, most unforgivable ones.

When God’s love flows through you, He allows you to love and forgive the people who hurt you. That doesn’t mean you’ll go on to have a really strong relationship with them or that a relationship will continue, but it does mean it can dissolve without leaving remnants of wreckage in your own life.

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. – Proverbs 17:17

“A brother is born for adversity speaks” to the role a brother can play in helping you persevere and overcome. A true friend will love at all times and that love may take the form of support or it may take the form of compassionate rebuke when he or she sees you’re doing something harmful.

Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. – Ephesians 4:3

In relationships, the Bible tells us to do our very best to maintain unity and peace. We may disagree on a topic of topics, have different opinions, or interpret something in a different manner, but we’re to maintain unity as we navigate (or try to sort out) those differences.

But Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the LORD do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.” – Ruth 1:16-17

This Bible verse speaks to the beauty of commitment in relationships. Ruth would not leave her mother-in-law. She pledged to follow her and even went so far as to ask God to punish her should anything but death separate her from her mother. That level of commitment is inspiring and it’s also rare in this world. How often do we allow instances to separate us from the people we love?

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. –Genesis 2:24

Genesis 2:24 addresses the bond that marriages are to be built on. A husband should hold fast to his wife and become one flesh with her. It’s a wonderful vision of the intimacy and closeness available to and promised for husbands and wives.

Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. – Romans 13:8

Imagine if all we owed one another was love? What a world that would be! This Scripture for relationships is a goal to strive for. Owe your friends and family members love. What it joy it will be for you to repay and for them to receive.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. –Philippians 2:3

This verse is a great example of how we’re to act in our relationships. Every thought, decision, and action should be one of humility and one that values the other person above yourself. It can be hard not to make a selfish decision, especially if you feel like you deserve to be selfish.

You might have a list of “evidence’ supporting all the reasons why you deserve X, Y, and Z. You might also have a long list of “brownie points” that supports how great of a friend, spouse, child, etc. you have been. But, God calls us not to be conceited or vain and to value others even if we don’t feel valued.

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ. – Galatians 6:2

You don’t have to look far to see people bogged down with burdens. Society at large is stressed, anxious, and depressed. People have lost their jobs, spouses, parents, and children to death and division. In our relationships, we’re called to come alongside others and help carry their burdens.

There are “friends” who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother. – Proverbs 18:24

In every relationship, we have a choice to destroy or stick close. Will our words, actions, and thoughts destroy or draw us closer? The Bible tells us that a real friend will not destroy, but will stick closer than a brother.

Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. – James 4:11

Friends and family members are not meant to speak badly about one another or gossip about each other. In our relationships, we can be honest and express our feelings, but we can do so in a way that it does not slander the other person.

Christian Counseling for Relationship Issues

Relationships are meant to add to our lives on this earth. They’re also the very place we’re called to bring glory to God on this earth. We’re to glorify God in them and return praises that arise because of them back to Him.

Not all relationships in your life may be good or functioning as God designed. If you’d like greater support for an unhealthy relationship or want to improve your marriage or relationship with your parents, we’d love to help. Contact us or browse our counselor directory to learn more about our Christian counseling for relationships. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling are here to provide the guidance and support you need.

Behavior Problems in Children: What to Do

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While behavior problems in children are common, attitudes towards them are varied. Christian Counselors are often contacted by parents who are concerned by their children’s behavior.

Examples of common behavior problems in children include: talking back, lying, fighting, hitting, kicking, being disrespectful, and so on.

It can be exhausting to deal with behavior problems in children. Parents often feel angry and confused about their child’s behavior. It can be terrifying when you don’t understand what’s happening with your child, don’t know how to help, but feel totally responsible for making things better for them.

For example, how do you handle the situation when your child is having a meltdown? Or when they are sobbing inconsolably? Perhaps your child seems to react to the slightest thing and become aggressive, and you have no idea what to do in that situation. Children who don’t listen or refuse to comply with rules are equally difficult to deal with. If you’re facing challenges like these, seeking guidance from Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can provide valuable support.

Counselors who deal with children with behavior problems and their parents consider the most important word associated with behavior problems in children is interpretation. This is because behavior is regarded as 90% about the way it’s interpreted.

Interpretation covers:

  • Why we think a behavior is happening
  • The level of control we think the child has over the behavior
  • How we think the child feels

Thinking and assuming are part of interpretation, and interpretation is not the same as understanding. This is one of the reasons why it’s important to engage in therapy with a Christian counselor. Therapy opens the door to move from assuming to understanding why your child is behaving in ways that you consider to be problematic. It also helps to decide whether the behavior is actually ‘normal’ or not.

A Christian counselor with experience in therapy with children and their parents has created a list of behaviors that parents regard as problems and the root feelings that are causing – or contributing to – the behavior.

Feelings Associated with Behaviors

Behavior Feelings Questions to Ask
Hoarding food; Lying; Stealing Fear; Shame; A need to hide Who or what is causing the fear?

What are they ashamed of other people knowing? What is causing their need to hide, or for what reason do they feel not good enough?
Talking back; hitting; kicking Anger What is causing the anger?
Sexualized Behavior Confusion Have they seen or experienced sexual behavior first hand?
Self-harm or putting themselves at risk Sadness What loss have they been enduring? Have they experienced harm or trauma?

For parents struggling to deal with their child’s difficulties, the principle question that needs to be considered is What is my child’s need that’s being unmet? When we talk about unmet needs, however, it’s important to remember that these are deep, emotional needs, not issues regarding toys or other material things.

Parents need to understand the issues that their child is wrestling with, and why they’re struggling. It may be that your child has something that they long to talk to someone about, but they don’t know how to express it. Similarly, children who are exposed to traumatic situations suffer confusion and it may be that their behavior is their way of trying to sort through the confusion – probably unsuccessfully.

The primary questions that bring parents to Christian family counselors are, “Why is my child behaving like this?” and “can you make it stop?” While these questions are important, in counseling it is beneficial to reframe the questions. Reframing is a way to take the concern and uncover the root issues and needs. The reframed question is often much more complex than the questions that bring parents to family counselors.

Most frequently, the root concern is more likely to be “Am I a bad parent since I can’t get my child to behave right?” It’s not uncommon for parents to see their child’s behavior as a reflection of their ability to raise children well. For family counselors, the next stage of therapy is to normalize the behaviors parents are seeing as problems and help to reduce the child’s need to display those problem behaviors.

Functional Behavioral Analysis

An important technique in helping parents and their children is Functional Behavioral Analysis (FBA). This is a method that is based on the idea that While every behavior has a cause, not all behaviors are interpreted in the same way. For example, a parent might approach a counselor and complain that their child is disrespectful because they couldn’t sit still throughout a movie. In the parent’s eyes, the child’s behavior was an intentional attempt to disrupt the enjoyment of the movie for the rest of the family.

Another example could be a parent who, in a therapy session with their child, remarks that the child doesn’t care and isn’t listening, on the basis of the fact that the child is sitting playing silently in the sandbox. In both situations, the parents are viewing their child’s behavior as disrespectful and wanting help to ‘correct’ this. However, FBA questions the evidence that the parent is basing their interpretation of the child’s behavior.

Here’s a reproduction of an FBA chart that visualizes a means of talking about these examples:

Behavior (bx) Possible Functions of the bx: Analysis
Child won’t stop moving While the movie is on A: Intentional disruption OR

B: Moving to deal with anxiety or because of ADHD

 My child is disruptive

OR

My child is anxious
Child playing in the sandbox during therapy session about their behavior. Child neither talking nor making eye-contact A: Child playing in the sandbox because they don’t care

OR

B: Child playing in the sand as a calming or coping mechanism, to deal with shyness or anxiety

 My child is disrespectful

OR

My child is ashamed

It’s clear when looking at this Functional Behavioral Analysis chart that it’s possible to come to entirely different conclusions about the behavior when you consider the function of the behavior. It’s not always as clear cut as parents assume it to be, meaning that problem behaviors are not always problems but rather dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

Look deeper into the roots of the behavior and you might find, for example, that these two hypothetical children had both experienced a significant loss in the past year, such as the death of a family member or being abandoned by one parent. They might come from families with a history of trauma, where security wasn’t a certainty.

Children who are responsive to correction or who are compliant are children who have experienced an adequate level of empathy, warmth, and care that leads to feelings of security and trust in their caregiver.

When these things are less than adequate, or entirely absent, there is no such security and trust, and “problem” behaviors are a child’s way of dealing with their uncomfortable feelings. They don’t feel able to turn to their caregiver for comfort and regulation.

Issues to Consider

Therefore, when it comes to the question of “why is my child behaving like this?” there are issues that need to be considered before labeling a behavior as problematic:

1. Family of origin

Many children who end up in family therapy come from homes that are broken or dysfunctional. Often, they live with one parent, While the other parent has died, is in jail, has become an addict, or is otherwise absent. Children need caregivers who are available to meet their needs on a consistent basis, and in many cases, this is lacking.

2. Frequency of Play

How frequently does the child have the opportunity to play, and with whom? Children benefit considerably from play, particularly when their parent(s) get down on the floor with them and build with Legos and other toys. Similarly, children need the opportunity to play with other children and don’t do well when they’re forced to assume an adult role in the home.

Play is vital for a child’s development, particularly psychologically. Many parents see play as optional, but actually, it’s a necessity. Play helps children to develop self-esteem, creativity, self-awareness, self-regulation, patience, distress tolerance, and much more. Children with behavior problems often don’t have opportunities to play or have never had a parent play with them.

3. Control

What do they have control over? This is a massive determining factor in child behavior. Adults have control over a lot of things – such as where you go, what you do, what you eat, and so on – but children have much less control. Children are told what they have to do, where they have to go, what and how much to eat, what to wear – the list is endless.

In children whose problem behavior relates to bodily functions, it is sometimes the case that the child feels they have so little control in their life that they develop problem behaviors with their bodily functions because that’s one thing they do have control over.

In therapy, parents are taught the HALT technique before they assume that their child’s behavior is a problem. Is the child Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? Think about your own behavior when you are affected by these feelings.

We excuse our own behavior due to tiredness but are less willing to attribute a child’s behavior in the same way. It’s really important to see whether HALT is causing unwanted behavior rather than jumping to the conclusion that the child is simply unpleasant.

4. Caregivers

What do the caregivers believe they know about parenting? As harsh as it sounds, parents can often have misconceptions about best practices in parenting, and this can impact on how they interpret their child’s behavior.

Questions to ask parents of children with behavior problems include their understanding of attachment styles, their parenting styles, the way a child’s brain functions when they’re having a tantrum, and how to discuss behavior with their child.

There are two really great resources that parents can use to build their knowledge and understanding:

  • The Whole Brain Child by Dan Siegel – which is available as a book, workbook, and video – helps parents to understand how to handle their child’s behavior.
  • Helping the Non-Compliant Child by Robert McMahon – which helps parents bring consistency into their relationship with their child and build the child’s self-awareness.

5. Environment

What is the child’s environment? A difficult issue to raise in therapy is the impact of socioeconomic status on stress levels within the family unit. Other environmental considerations might include families dealing with addiction, and families with a large number of children where kids have to compete for attention.

6. Family Relationships

What is the child’s relationship with family members like? An example of the impact of broken family relationships might be the parent who comes to therapy with a child who is depressed, anxious and is acting out at school, but who later reveals that the father has recently moved out. Young boys need a dad, and young girls need a mom. Problems often emerge when one parent is absent.

Siblings can also contribute to difficult behavior. Older siblings who bully or tease their younger siblings can cause the younger child to resort to bad behavior.

The question of whether a child’s behavior is normal is not easily answered. The best answer that a counselor can give is probably not the one that parents want to hear: it depends. There are a lot of factors that can influence behavior, so there’s no simple yes or no answer to the question of what is and isn’t normal.

If you want to help your child with their behavior, it’s necessary for you to have an open mind in order to explore the root causes and be willing to engage in education on family dynamics. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can really help with gaining a full understanding of your child’s behavior and give you resources to help handle it.

Photos:
“Bali Girl”, Courtesy of Nuno Alberto, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Unsupervised”, Courtesy of Mike Fox, Unsplakk. miuysh.com, CC0 License; “Ahhh,” courtesy of Jelleke VanOoteghem, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Comfort”, Courtesy of Jordan Whitt, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

How to Build Trust in a Relationship: 7 Important Steps

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This article will provide seven steps to take that will help you learn how to build trust in a relationship. First, however, we will need to start with the basics.

The Definition of Trust

Trust is having confidence in someone and believing that he or she will love you forever and is always going to remain loyal. Trusting people is difficult because it means you need to believe that you are able to depend on them and feel comfortable with them to the point where you are okay with confiding in them and letting them see you in a vulnerable state. Trust acts as a key component for the foundation of any kind of relationship.

The Importance of Trust in your Relationships

Establishing trust within a couple’s relationship is critical because it provides a feeling of security in which each partner is allowed to be his or her authentic self. Trust is the foundation of healthy relationships. If trust exists within a couple, insecurities do not get in the way of the relationship. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you build and maintain trust, fostering a stronger, healthier relationship.

Having trust in another person helps us face problems together while maintaining a sense of balance between outside relationships with other people such as friends or family and inside the relationship.

Establishing trust also means each partner is allowed to have his or her own space and time away from the other partner without causing problems in the relationship.

When a couple has faith in one another, they have confidence that their partner is trustworthy. Support systems within relationships assist couples in having the ability to challenge each other as well as themselves and take occasional risks for ambitions and personal growth.

Knowing that your significant other is there for you at all times provides a feeling of freedom. Trust makes the relationship stronger because you and your partner are supportive and know that you will always have each other’s backs.

Trust is crucial when overcoming issues in any relationship. Trust binds partners together and provides confidence that the partners can join together and overcome whatever issues they are facing.

Trust establishes faith and knowledge that you and your partner can move past any hurts and wrongdoings that have occurred. Knowing that your partner is loyal and loves you even in moments of conflict can cultivate an increase in honesty and strengthen your relationship.

Relationships cannot thrive or survive without trust. Negative consequences of a lack of trust include the dissolution of the relationship, crippling fear, and a lot of insecurity. The relationship becomes dysfunctional and at times could be classified as chaotic.

Trust is a crucial foundation for relationships because, with trust, relationships will not be destroyed when hardships arise. However, if there is no established trust in a relationship, the relationship has little chance of survival when problems, doubts, or suspicions come up.

Trust works to create a sense of safety in relationships. The sense of safety makes more room for intimacy, devotion, and love as well as allows partners to feel comfortable. If a sense of security and trust are not present in a relationship, insecurities and fear get in the way.

Advice for Gaining Trust in Your Relationship

The following list contains steps that can help partners find ways of gaining trust in their relationships. This list does not need to be followed in order but each item should be included in an ongoing pattern of communication within a relationship.

Incorporate these steps into your relationship and watch how trust will build if you and your partner both make an effort to implement these elements.

Set Boundaries

Boundaries are critical to relationships, so it is important to honor your partner’s boundaries that you have agreed upon. Even if your partner’s boundaries and values are different from yours, honoring them can create excellent opportunities for you and your partner to find out more about one another’s virtues, values, and strengths.

Implementing boundaries can help partners find out how much emotional or physical space each one is comfortable with. It is important to communicate your boundaries to your partner, which includes how much time alone you need, how comfortable you feel inside your relationship, what you are comfortable letting other people know about your relationship, etc.

Learn to Communicate Effectively and Openly

A major reason that many relationships do not work out is because of insufficient communication. Constructive, open, and active communication is not easy in relationships, but it is vital if you and your partner want to have healthy patterns of communication. Implementing open communication can help build mutual agreements and shared understandings regarding how you would like to incorporate other people into your life and relationship.

Effective communication also includes active listening. It is easy to interrupt our partners when they are talking, provide advice without listening to our partners, or quickly jump to solutions. It is difficult to always actively listen to your partner instead of immediately planning out what your response is going to be.

If you are an active listener, though, your partner will see that you are respectful and caring towards what he or she is saying even if your feelings differ. Listening to your partner without judgment is an important method of building trust.

Be Honest

Of course, honesty is another crucial component of establishing trust in relationships. Transparency within the relationship can build trust because both partners will be allowed to feel comfortable and safe.

There is not a lot of opportunity for negative assumptions or thoughts about the other person’s activities if both partners openly communicate consistently. Sharing the things that you are experiencing and specific details regarding your day begins a consistent pattern that can build trust.

It is important to note that the concept of honesty doesn’t mean both partners need to share each and every detail of their lives. However, lies of omission, deception, and dishonesty can all tear apart relationships.

Honesty needs to constantly be practiced and it is typically found that when trust is growing, the partners begin to find no need to justify things or explain their behaviors because there is faith that the other partner will understand their thoughts and actions.

Be Humble

Mistakes in relationships are inevitable and going to happen. However, it is very possible to work towards repairing a damaged relationship and lead it towards healing. Both partners must be able to admit mistakes and be open to coming together to rebuild trust and work through their mistakes.

Perfect relationships do not exist and not every expectation will be met, especially early in a relationship. It is important to realize this going into the relationship so that you are not caught off guard when issues arise. Admitting wrongdoings and taking responsibility for mistakes actually works to strengthen your relationship and build more trust.

Be Reliable

Successful relationships exist when each partner follows through with set communication habits, intentional behaviors, and personal boundaries that have been established within the relationships. When promises are broken or agreements are not adhered to, trust diminishes, which can cause catastrophic consequences to relationships.

You should never agree with your partner or make promises just so that he or she will be happy because failing to keep promises or agreements is a very common way that trust is broken. That is why it is very important to be honest and continue to maintain open communication. Making sure your behaviors and promises match up can lead to the strengthening of trust and a healthier relationship.

Express your needs

Trying to read your partner’s mind can have serious consequences. Even if you know each other very well, you can never know exactly what your partner is thinking. Of course, you can come up with a prediction based on past behavior or patterns, but if you do not ask your partner his or her thoughts upfront, you cannot know what he or she is thinking. If you assume that you’re able to know what he or she did, thinks, or feels, it will not help the relationship.

A key method of avoiding mind reading or making assumptions is to simply express what your needs are. If you express your needs, you are providing your partner with specifics that he or she should consider and if he or she follows through with your request, trust can build.

If your partner is expressing his or her needs, you should try to understand his or her mindset and be empathetic in an attempt to understand the needs and gain some perspective. Not only does fulfilling a partner’s need help a couple get to know each other better, but it can also build trust.

Forgive

Forgiveness is also a crucial component of trust. If partners trust each other, they will understand that fights or disagreements are not indicative of the relationship ending. If you trust that you and your partner have your relationship and each other’s interests in mind, you will gain a sense of security even if things are difficult. Dealing with challenges and providing forgiveness is made much easier if the couple trusts that they can overcome any situation.

Can I Heal From Past Hurts?

Building trust takes intentionality and a lot of time and effort. It is never easy to establish trust and this is made even more difficult if some sort of betrayal has occurred.

It is possible for betrayal to be exhibited in different ways, such as misusing power, crossing boundaries, or committing lies and deception. Repairing a relationship after betrayal is difficult, and forgiveness is the sole way that a relationship can heal and move forward. Of course, an apology is the first step in asking for forgiveness.

In order for there to be forgiveness, both parties must acknowledge that betrayal and hurt have taken place. If you have betrayed your partner, you must take responsibility for it, which is a huge step in acknowledging your partner’s pain. After that, you must find a way to ensure your partner that the betrayal won’t happen again. It is critical to provide your partner with the promise of that you regret the behavior and will never commit it in the future.

Lastly, you also must analyze your feelings to recognize why you are dealing with this experience in the first place. You cannot deny the betrayal, but you can explore the reasons. Some questions you may have include, “What am I expecting from our relationship?,” “Have I’ve been harboring these feelings for a long time?,” or “In what ways is this issue affecting me?”

Having an awareness of your personal tendency towards doubts and insecurity is another crucial piece to rebuilding trust. You have to have a lot of patience with yourself, which will help you learn how to identify if you are hesitant to trust your partner because of a betrayal you experienced in the past. If you seem to be having doubts, it is crucial to communicate the insecurities to your partner instead of suppressing them just because you are scared to say anything.

Nobody is perfect and it takes a lot of faith to extend trust to another person because it is scary and intimidating. We all make mistakes and oftentimes our reactions are not preferable, but having patience with yourself can be of great assistance while you learn about yourself and develop the ability to trust over time.

Seeking Help

It is usually very hard to move past previous betrayals and hurts in relationships, and it is easy to begin feeling “stuck.” If this is happening to you and you don’t feel you can trust yourself and your own judgment right now, a counselor can assist you in exploring and addressing these issues. We would love to take the journey of healing with you while you work towards building stronger relationships that include an ample amount of trust. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling are here to help.

Photos:
“Couple’s PDA,” courtesy of Pedro Ribeiro Simões, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0); “Holding Hands,” courtesy of Phuoc Le, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Humble Yourself,” courtesy of Ben White, unsplash.com, Public Domain License; “Distrust”, Courtesy of Joshua Rawson Harris, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Having an Affair? Here’s How and Why You Should Stop

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Nobody wakes up in the morning and thinks about ruining their marriage. So why is it that people have affairs? The underlying cause of infidelity often stems from the defensive structures people create as a reaction to trauma experienced in childhood. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help individuals and couples explore these deeper issues and work toward healing and reconciliation.

To really understand what this means, picture a little girl whose father is not around most of the time, is authoritarian, doesn’t show any interest in her recitals, and whose mother is there but is always preoccupied with her own personal issues.

Although the father constantly tells her he loves her, deep down inside the girl has never believed him and though she knows that her mother loves her, it has never felt like enough.

As the girl reached her 20’s, she dated, fell in love, and got married to a man who had a similar personality to her father’s, and whenever he says he loves her, something inside her says it’s not real.

Several years go by and she is introduced to a man at work whose musical interests are the same as hers. She is even more tempted because she chooses not to tell her husband about it. Since the man doesn’t know her that well, his interest in her gets around the defensive I’m-not-lovable-structure, then she begins to crave his attention like an addiction. The affair has already started.

Sex by this point almost an afterthought. The attention of this not-loved-one comforts her hidden, desperate, ruined younger parts. Unfortunately, leaving her husband for this man means he will become a loved one and she will more likely have a relationship with another person again, and the cycle will go on.

This situation is just an example of the many defensive structures and narratives we all have.

The Power of Love

We are designed to bond with one another. When we experience attraction for someone, our bodies automatically respond as if there’s a possibility we might mate with them. Our pupils dilate, capillaries expand to increase blood flow, and our pulse moves quickly. It can make one breathless.

The reptilian brain is always trying to procreate. In Freudian terms, the id says, “I want that!” and the ego says, “I know how to get that!” The superego, on the other hand, says, “You can’t have that, because (insert moral reason here).”

If we live with an emotional lack such as in the above example, we can easily confuse lust for love. Actual love is a deeper connection formed by years of growing together with another person.

Erotic love plays a wonderful role in a marriage but erotic love by itself always makes a person even more lonely in every relationship. Once you jump from one intimate relationship to another, you won’t be able to receive true love from another, so you will automatically end up with what’s not real.

The Anatomy of Having an Affair

When motive fuels desire and opportunity leads to action, infidelity starts to happen. Just like any other sinful acts, people wouldn’t be interested in becoming unfaithful if they’re not getting anything in return.

To satisfy oneself sexually is not the only obvious payoff. Having an affair also tends to heal the wounded part of the self that encourages the behavior more than anything else. Another payoff is the thrill that comes with indulging in the forbidden actually building up the erotic energy in the relationship.

Sin is the opposite of good, and infidelity is the same. Similar to an addiction, for most people it only works for a while. As soon as it fails, the consequences come in the form of deep shame and guilt, hurting marriages, hurting children, and often the loss of jobs or homes.

Having an affair is a sin that can wreck whatever trust and happiness there is in a marriage. This is why it’s necessary to acknowledge infidelity before it spreads and causes any more harm.

Where Does Infidelity Start?

Flirting with someone else when you’re married is never harmless. More likely your sexuality is integrated into your personality making it safe for you to say, “It’s just how I am.” That doesn’t make it harmless.

Everything starts when you’re in a really difficult situation, emotionally vulnerable, feeling alone, and someone who looks attractive enters your life and makes you feel good, and you begin walking down the path. The best way to prevent infidelity is to stop it as soon as you start to realize that it’s happening.

Here’s another classic example of infidelity waiting to happen. A man works for an environmental company and has to drive for four hours to get to work and to meet up with his team. He’s already having trouble with his relationship with his wife and as if destiny tries to test him, there is a beautiful single woman on the team.

One afternoon, as they are having a great conversation, laughing at each other’s jokes, they look into each other’s eyes longer than usual. The man realizes that he’s attracted to the woman and he can tell she feels the same way.

That night the woman shows up at his hotel room door and asks the man to come to join her for a drink downstairs. At that moment he realizes he has to say NO right there and then, not when he’s already in the bar with her. There would be only one reason for that man to accept her invitation and that would be to dabble with adultery in the private hope of actually making it happen.

The man made up an excuse to avoid her and no longer communicated with her outside of work. Though the man thinks he will never be unfaithful, the chance of him engaging in adultery would have been exponentially higher had he gone with her. We are not just wired for bonding, we are also wired to want that bonding as much and as possible.

Our intelligence makes it possible for us to sidestep that wiring and avoid looking for something or someone beyond our marriage in order to meet our needs. Some suffer silently for many years while their relationship slowly declines and grows cold. Others cannot control themselves and end up finding comfort in other people’s arms.

Both of these results are terrible and God wants something much better for us. The traditional marriage vows that say “to have and to hold, to love, honor and cherish, forsaking all others.” is already a great reminder for us to keep. If you or your spouse doesn’t feel loved, honored, or cherished, it’s best to take action right away, probably through the help of a counselor.

How Do You Come Back After Having an Affair?

Infidelity is devastating to a marriage. If a spouse is not hurt by the infidelity then something is not right within the relationship and it could make a person think the marriage didn’t even matter in the first place. Since trust is a primary foundation of marriage, it’s extremely hard to restore once it has been broken by betrayal.

If the two of you chose to stay together after infidelity, a counselor is the best person to run to for help to find your way back together. Anger is a common and long-lasting emotion and while trust no longer seems possible, most of the time it will return, though it may take years.

There is no excuse for betrayal but understanding the emotional factors behind the action of the cheating spouse will help a lot – not in any way to cover up what was broken, but to be able to forgive an imperfect human being at the end of the day.

If you’re the spouse who cheated, it’s normal and proper for you to feel an overwhelming guilt for some time especially if you’re known to be a person whose values is big on faith. It’s going to be a painful recovery process and there is no way you can rush it.

It is unrealistic to expect your spouse to exhibit a desire for you, or to feel comfortable in your presence or to enjoy your company before they’re ready; there are some boundaries that you must not violate. They must decide when to restore you to fellowship.

This, however, doesn’t necessarily mean you have no right to make choices or you don’t have a voice or can’t put in place your own healthy boundaries. It’s wrong to assume that it’s okay for us to be treated like a doormat and put up with whatever abuse our spouse inflicts on us. They have every right to display anger but not to become abusive.

As you navigate the process of recovery the following rules of engagement will probably benefit you:

  • Hold up a hand if either of you needs to pause the conversation.
  • Conversations that have been paused conversations must be rescheduled and pick up at the pause.
  • Counseling sessions are the best time to have most of your relationship conversations.
  • Each of us must be responsible for our own feelings.
  • It’s best to ask permission before talking using such questions as “Is this a good time to talk about _____?” “I wonder what would happen if _____?” “I’m detecting that you are (angry, distant, etc) and am wondering what that’s about,” or “Would you let me tell you my impression of it?”

It takes hard work to recover from infidelity but if both partners work at showing a great deal of compassion towards one another, learning to forgive, and holding on to each other to face a common enemy (rather than attacking each other), it can result in a much richer, deeper relationship than before.

How To Protect Your Marriage Against Infidelity

The truth is that no one is immune from committing a sin; we are flawed human beings. That being said, motives and opportunities can transform in many different ways thus, infidelity can happen in a marriage. However, there are a few steps you can take to strengthen your relationship and fight infidelity:

Keep God the Center of Your Marriage

Being married, whether you did it in a church or not, means you made a promise before God. He cares deeply about your relationship. Allow him to be in it. Ask for His help to love right, to be more forgiving, to fight your own selfishness, put up good boundaries, and be responsible for your own emotional struggles.

Take Infidelity Seriously

Pay attention to what your body does. If you stare at or talk to an attractive co-worker, or the spouse of your friend, or a single friend and notice your body is having a certain reaction to it (fluttering in the stomach, a catch in your voice, a desire to look more deeply into their eyes, or confide in them for connection), recognize that and admit it to yourself.

There’s nothing wrong in saying, “I think I’m really attracted to this person”; you don’t have to hide it from yourself. You can admit your attraction without feeling guilty. Remember, we are designed to be attracted to people and once you realize this, you will be able to respond by saying, “but I will not do anything about it.” Then correct your flirtatious behavior.

Have the Willingness to Set Boundaries

Setting up boundaries can be embarrassing but sometimes they’re a must. A professor once shared how a woman approached him after a presentation, gave him a hug, and pressed her whole body to his. He moved away from her and said: ”My wife is the only person who can hug me that way.” Now that may sound a little too forward for some, but it’s a great example of setting boundaries. It also inspires us to be more confident in defending the sanctity of our marriage.

Work On Your Emotions

Finding a therapist who can help you find an unprocessed emotional trauma in your past, identifying them, and finding out what you did to survive it is something you may want to consider doing. The more you understand your own emotional grid, the easier it is for you to change it, put up healthy boundaries, and build up firm, reciprocal bonds with the people you love.

Do The Work of Loving Your Spouse

One of the many great things about marriage is the sense of comfort we can get from the companionship of someone familiar. However, it becomes dangerous once familiarity transforms into complacency.

There was once a man who said that on his wedding day, he told his wife, “I love you. I’ll let you know if that ever changes.” Although what he said was meant to be a joke, it did, however, make a point. We find it easier to forget to do the little things that strengthen our love for the other person.

Recall the things that you both loved doing together and find out if it’s possible for you to do them again. Send cards, give flowers, and keep birthdays and anniversaries in mind just like the good ‘ol romantic days you both once had. Be thankful for the ones you love and remember the reasons why you feel in love with them. Rehearse the things that made you love them and rekindle them as best you can.

Learn to look at yourself and your spouse as an amazing, special reflection of God’s image here on earth. Value each other and the miracle of your relationship as well as keep each other while walking towards a future of growth and health. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can guide you in nurturing a healthy, flourishing relationship.
Photos:
“Lonely”, Courtesy of Luis Galvez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Affair”, Courtesy of Pixabay, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Drink After Work”, Courtesy of Sasint, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Fireworks”, Courtesy of Jared Sluyter, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

8 Reasons Why Having an Affair is a Terrible Idea

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People don’t have affairs because cheating is a miserable experience. They commit adultery because it’s temporarily exciting and pleasurable. Maybe their marriage seems stale, or there are a lot of conflicts.

Perhaps they feel like their spouse doesn’t really know or love them. An affair offers the illusion of feeling desired, alive, and escaping from the mundane reality of everyday life. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling provides guidance to help individuals.

The problem is that affairs don’t happen in a vacuum. There are considerable risks involved for disgrace and devastation. And in the end, the affair is almost always exposed somehow. This private disaster becomes public, and countless people are affected.

8 Reasons Why Having an Affair is a Terrible Idea

Often people find themselves entangled in an emotional affair that’s on the verge of becoming physical. You can still stop before you take it to that next step. If you’re already involved in an affair, the sooner you end it, the better. Here are eight things to think about before you let an affair wreak havoc in your life.

#1 – You Will Cause Enormous Pain

People who have been cheated on often say things like, “I feel like someone ripped out my heart and stomped on it.” There’s a reason for these colorful metaphors. Being betrayed by the one you love and thought you would spend the rest of your life with causes agonizing emotional pain.

People who have been betrayed by their spouse experience tormenting heartbreak. The emotional pain can be unfathomable. Causing someone that kind of pain shows true hardness of heart. It doesn’t matter if you blame it on alcohol or say that it didn’t mean anything. Thoughtlessness is just as cruel as deliberate malice.

Although you may be able to save your marriage, it will never be the same again. No matter how strongly you feel about this illicit connection, acting on those feelings demonstrates a brutal disregard for your vows and the person you promised to honor and cherish until death.

#2 – Your Children Will Suffer

An affair plants seeds in a family – seeds of anger, distrust, grief, and jealousy. Those seeds will grow and take a lot of work to root up.

Even if your children don’t know what’s happening, they’ll sense the shaky foundation of your marriage. Your marriage should be the solid rock on which you can build your family. An affair cracks the foundation of the family, no matter what excuse you make for it.

Your children may one day have difficulty trusting their own spouses. Or they might think adultery is justified in some situations. After all, children tend to normalize their parents’ behavior.

You might think that no one will know – that if you keep it a secret, no one will have to reap these consequences. But the bonds we have with our loved ones run deep. When you violate your marriage, you poison your soul because deep down inside, you think you deserve the affair. This poison will inevitably express itself in disdain, guilt, and words that even if they seem subtle to you, your children will be affected by it.

#3 – Your Extended Family Will Be Affected

When family members get divorced because of irreconcilable differences, it causes pain, but people do understand that some marriages are full of conflict and difficulty and don’t work out. Often, spouses can achieve a relatively amicable divorce that doesn’t cause huge rifts in the extended families.

But when adultery is involved, emotions run high and many relationships can be destroyed. If you value your relationship with your in-laws or even just their good opinion, know that you will probably be destroying both once your affair comes out.

#4 – Your Friendships Will Suffer

Friends often choose sides when adultery is involved, including mutual friends, coworkers, and church friends. Most will tend to gravitate toward the spouse who was betrayed, not the offender. Your social relationships and support system can be irrevocably damaged.

During the excitement of an affair, you’ll probably disregard this, but months and years down the line, isolation and rejection can have devastating effects on your mental and emotional well-being.

Anyone who finds out about your affair will probably wonder if they can trust you, and rightly so. If you demonstrate that you disregard your most sacred vow, how can anyone else trust you? People may understandably view your character as inherently flawed. You may lose friendships, ministry opportunities, and even opportunities at work if your boss knows what happened and has high moral standards.

#5 – Your Church Relationships Will Suffer

People at church will also tend to be polarized by your illicit relationship. If you are a ministry leader or participant, you may be asked to step down as you deal with the fallout of your decision to commit adultery. Most people will likely side with your spouse, not you.

Your reputation will be severely impacted, probably permanently. You’ll lose the trust and respect of people you value. Even people who love you unconditionally will be hurt by your behavior. Churches have also been known to split when a leader becomes involved in an affair.

#6 – Your Self-Respect Will Be Damaged

Before having an affair, you probably talked yourself into it using a series of excuses as to why it was okay. Maybe you thought, “If no one knows, it won’t hurt anyone,” or “I deserve to feel good about myself for a change.” Maybe you were bitter towards your spouse for things they’d done (or hadn’t done), so you considered your affair to be justified.

Underneath all the excuse-making, though, you know that adultery is wrong. If you’re a believer in Christ, you also know that it’s a very serious sin. You know you’ve broken your vows and devastated the one person on earth you vowed to honor and cherish.

No matter how you attempt to write the narrative, you are the antagonist in the story. Trying to justify your actions mentally will only create cognitive dissonance. Believing a lie can eventually lead to more delusional thinking, which damages your psyche over time.

#7 – Your Relationship with God Will Suffer

If you’re a believer, the Holy Spirit will convict you of the sin of your affair. Adultery is one of the sins most clearly condemned by Scripture. God hates sin because it goes against his holy nature.

When you choose to have an affair, you’re rejecting God’s commands in favor of your own selfish desires. Continuing down that road will provide you with fleeting pleasures, yes, but also with soul-crushing, long-term heartache. If you love the Lord and want to follow his plan for your life, why would you choose such a devastating path?

#8 – You Made a Covenant

It’s likely that your marriage took place in a church with witnesses present, such as your family and friends. You made a vow to love, honor, and cherish your spouse and forsake all others until death parts you. There’s a reason marriage vows are made in front of God and witnesses. They are profoundly significant and the most important promises we will ever make.

Breaking your marriage vows is violating the public, sacred covenant you made with your spouse. That’s why divorce has to take place through the court system. It’s not a trivial matter to betray your spouse. Your vows are meant to be guarded. There’s no such thing as a harmless affair.

The Reality of Adultery

No one just wakes up one morning and arbitrarily decides, “I’m going to have an affair.” Most of us have internal inhibitions against cheating. What happens is that we take one seemingly harmless step at a time, and before we know it, we’re entangled in adultery.

You start talking with an attractive coworker every day in the break room. You find out you have things in common. You begin to make extended eye contact and share your feelings and hopes and dreams. You find yourself thinking about them throughout the day, and hoping you’ll bump into them again. It becomes a growing attraction, and you can either cultivate it or shut it down.

Having struggled in your marriage is no excuse for cultivating an attraction to someone else. It may increase your temptation, but it doesn’t make it okay. No one can cause you to have an affair. It’s your own moral decision, no matter how unloving, unkind, or disengaged your spouse may be. There are other decisions you can make to handle problems in your marriage rather than committing adultery.

Even once you’re in the middle of a tempting situation, you can always make a decision to run away from it before the point of no return. Affairs are not accidental. Leading up to the temptation, you’re either cultivating loyalty to your spouse, or you’re stoking the fires of illicit desire.

If you have strong feelings for someone other than your spouse, now is the time to act. Don’t try to sweep it under the rug, think that’s it’s not a big deal, or that you can handle it on your own. Talk to a counselor, talk to your spouse if you need to, and most of all, stop the growing attraction by bringing it from darkness into light.

If you’ve already crossed the line and started an affair, confess it to your spouse and begin the arduous process of recovery. Bringing this sin into the light will be one of the most challenging things you’ve ever done but living a life of integrity and openness is far better than living one of secrecy and deceit.

Your spouse will be angry and devastated. This is normal. Don’t be defensive. Apologize, but know that that won’t be enough either. If your marriage can be saved, counseling will be absolutely crucial to the process.

If you believe that your marriage is over and you want to be with your affair partner instead of your spouse, at least have the decency and respect to put your affair on hold until you can end your marriage officially. You can’t keep your spouse and an affair partner happy while you secretly try to juggle both “relationships.”

Acknowledge your selfishness and sin and the pain that your choices have caused. Actions have consequences. Infidelity needs to be addressed as soon as possible. Acknowledge your personal feelings, and then consider the impact your actions are having on yourself and those around you. Find a therapist who can help you take the first step toward restoration. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can provide the support you need.

Photos:
“Secrets,” courtesy of Ivan, pexels.com, CC0 License; “Dad’s Day Out,” courtesy of Public Affairs Office Fort Wainwright, Flickr Creative Commons; “Pray,” courtesy of pexels.com, CC0 Public Domain License; “The Waiting Game”, Courtesy of Louis Blythe, Unsplash.com; CC0 License