Reaching Your Goals with a Personal Coach

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Our best work is done in times when we feel a sense of purpose. This incorporates our will, our passions, and our best thoughts. It provides us with a sense of meaning for our lives.

Some may remember the older Disney cartoon that showed a businessman unhappily going to his mundane job with bags under his tired eyes. Just going through routine motions every day has drained him.

Life is more enjoyable when it includes meaningful activity. This can be during work or outside of work and the purpose is to engage with the people around us. Many people are not satisfied with their current jobs or life path, and personal coaches can help them reinvent themselves so they have some sort of meaning and a better sense of purpose.

What is it that you want?

In other words, ask yourself what your objectives are. Often, we take opportunities to participate in a type of project inside or outside of work without asking ourselves if that is truly what we want. This could be because we are going to get paid well, or we want prestige, or because someone we view as “important” is involved.

When we fail to ask ourselves what we really want, we start relying on impulses and aimless choices. Consequentially, our sense of purpose is diminished. As the business saying goes, “Aim at nothing and you’ll hit every time.” We must find our magic wands and put our desires down on paper, including things that may seem impossible or silly.

By asking yourself what you want, you can pinpoint your desires and then work to create plans that will help you reach your goals in life. This can be viewed as a form of being kind to yourself. A personal coach has the ability to help you figure out your desires and comprehend the complexities they entail.

Goals should be divided into fantasies, wants, and needs so that we can determine what is important and which things have the likelihood of success. For example, saying “I need to have a car so that I can get to work and then get home” is a need.

“I need an expensive Mercedes-Benz so that I can get to work and then get home” is a want (and possibly also a fantasy!). Obviously, we need some form of transportation, but expensive transportation exists as a luxury, and you may only need a nice car when you are taking a very rich client to lunch.

An example of a fantasy is, “I need somebody to provide me with a car,” which basically implies you want a car but do not want to put in any work to pay for it. Fantasies often share this dynamic.

Other examples include, “I have strong aspirations to become a famous singer, but I am not willing to leave my tiny hometown” and “I would like to speak another language but I would rather not have to learn it.”

The first implies that I want to become a celebrity even though it’s nearly impossible to do so in my small rural hometown, and the second one implies I want something but have no desire to actually learn it.

Aiming for everything will probably produce the same results as aiming for nothing. A huge step in the difficult process is really narrowing down your focus. You must work on the things that are most important because we all have a limited amount of willpower, time, money, and energy

For this, personal coaches can help with the filtering process. To an extent, we are postponing some of our dreams and a logical second opinion might help the decision-making process.

What is the process?

Once we form an understanding of what we want, we create a plan that includes action items or tasks. For example, the process of getting a car would be, “Get employed, earn enough money for the car, and then buy the car.” It isn’t difficult and you should be flexible.

If you hit a roadblock in your process, look and see if you can find a workaround to it. If not, it’s probably time to reevaluate that goal. As an example, “Get employed” can only work when someone has a reliable means of transportation, so a way to work around that may be, “Get employed, figure out public transportation, earn enough money for a car, etc.”

If public transportation is sufficient in your area, you may decide to wait to buy the car to save the money you would need for the gas, insurance, and maintenance that would come with it. Break down the path you need to take to reach your goal so that it will become more clear to you.

“Receive a Master’s of Business Administration and get employed as a middle-level manager” is an extremely broad goal. Instead, perhaps consider, “Find a college, get student loans, apply, complete courses, receive a degree, apply for mentorship programs at well-known companies, take whatever job I’m offered, work towards promotions.”

Of course, these steps could change over time, but it is best to have a reasonable, logical path that you can get started on. This process of evaluation can be made even better if you have a personal coach who can guide you and act as an unbiased sounding board.

Break Down the Plan

After you have narrowed down your path to one main focus, it is time to connect with a personal coach who will help you add details to the process. The purpose of the main focus is to ensure that you do not have competing objectives with steps that are mutually exclusive (e.g., “enroll in business school” vs. “receive an MFA in animation”).

Certain goals have the ability to run concurrently, however, this only works when the steps are also able to run concurrently. If your goal was to “learn to play the guitar” and your steps might be “purchase a guitar, find a great teacher, schedule sessions with the teacher.”

Perhaps a better breakdown might be “Do research to find the best inexpensive guitar, purchase one, make room for it, research guitar teachers, choose one and call to schedule sessions, dedicate some time to practice every day, and assess progress after three months.”

You have the option to break it down however you would like, but try not to spend too much time planning because it may lead to inaction. Often, it seems that execution is more difficult than planning, but you actually have to perform the tasks you created to reach your ultimate goal. If you tend to lack execution but are great at planning, see the sectioned titled “The Enemy Within” below.

Action always requires expense. If we want to accomplish something, we must expend our emotions, time, effort, mental energy, and finances. Everything costs something. If we want to come up with a clear plan on how we can meet our goals, we need to consider the cost, which includes the cost to our loved ones.

A person once wanted to become a screenwriter. He asked what his wife what she would say if he wanted to relocate to Hollywood, and her response was, “I would miss you.”

Everything we partake in costs something, whether it be energy, technology, money, and more. When you are making your plan, you must ask what the cost is financially as well as to yourself and loved ones.

You must also consider opportunity cost. This is the road that is not traveled. When you pick one path, another one cannot concurrently be chosen. For example, say you have $50 to spend, but you want two things that each cost $40. You have to pick one.

The thing you opted against can be classified as an opportunity cost. This is an important concept to remember when making decisions so that we don’t get blindsided suddenly at the last minute wondering how things would have turned out had we chosen the road that wasn’t traveled.

The Enemy Within

We often have the desire to go forward in a specific direction, but the moment we try to move forward, something stops us. A friend mentions a new job that we might be perfect for, and the friend’s positivity encourages us to find a slew of Help Wanted advertisements related to that job. When we are ready, we pick up the phone, but then we freeze.

Perhaps a teacher tells us that we possess a special gift. For a triumphant moment, we imagine being highly successful, performing in front of cheering crowds and winning awards. After that, though, the internal dialogue starts, the logistics of it and how they won’t work, our imperfections, all the reasons that we are not good enough.

Unfortunately, we all leave our dreams behind at times. Debilitating and demeaning thoughts hold us back and halt our creative processes. Many of us are afraid to fail or actually gain success, or family members or friends may be very critical towards us and hold us back as well. We need to leave this playing field in order to move past criticism and towards success.

It’s important that out of almost seven billion people, you happen to be the only you that exists. You should apply that to whatever your craft is and it will be made unique. We are concerned about people’s opinions and whether or not they will pay for our crafts and like them, but this is actually immaterial even though it might affect our ability to make a living.

Come up with personal affirmations that make you feel good, and actually use them. You can say things like “I deserve happiness,” “I am allowed to make choices,” “I am amazing and a reflection of God’s image.”

Overall, we have the ability to make choices that can change our lives. We can leave the past in the past and live freely knowing the future is yet to be decided. We must live in the present so that we can move to the following step.

Of course, it is vital to understand that some of the self-assessments we make are legitimate. People on talent shows such as American Idol often never had someone tell them they aren’t that great at singing. Instead, loved ones and friends always encouraged them and said that they totally had a talent for music.

Additional Help

We have an emotional grid that has been formed by good things as well as traumatic things that we have experienced, and what matters is what we decide to do with those things. Sometimes, we need to analyze the past so that we can move forward and have the ability to achieve and receive great things.

As we have all heard, being criticized by our parents during our childhoods can be debilitating and very hard to overcome. If we have had a series of embarrassing and humiliating setbacks, they may seem to confirm our fears regarding our inability to succeed.

It can be of great value to seek help from a counselor who is licensed in mental health. This person can help you move past dark places that you have been, events that have traumatized you, places where you may have failed, or places where you were neglected and lacked the proper nurture. This person can work with you to reframe the negative narrative and help you move past trauma and towards health and emotional growth.

When our mental states and emotions are integrated, we have a higher chance of being able to pursue our aspirations and goals. It’s hard and you will realize why is it referred to as “emotional work.” This concept differs from the concept of personal coaching because it is more about understanding the past and the ways that it is interfering with your ability to move forward.

The ultimate goal is to continue trying to make an improved version of yourself so that you can have a purpose and take action to move forward toward your goals, whether you are focusing on a specific path or improved health and emotional growth.

Final Thoughts

Scripture tells us that we lack things because we don’t ask for them. In other words, we lack God’s blessings because we don’t ask Him to give them to us. We can expand that by saying we lack what we want because we don’t ask ourselves what we actually want and we don’t ask ourselves “what’s this about?” when we begin to feel scared or inadequate.

Moving forward tends to be easier when we maintain a mature, adult-like position and don’t let our fears cripple us. We must remember that the past has already ended but the future isn’t written yet, so we must live in the present. We have the choice to do what we want with this information, and our choice determines what direction we will move in.

It is good to have aspirations and goals, and it is okay to ask for some assistance every now and then. We do not have to be alone in all of this, and personal coaches can give you perspectives to ponder that will lead to success.

Photos:
“Thinking,” courtesy of Klearchos Kapoutsis, Flickr.com, CC BY 2.0 License; “Arrows in Waiting”, Courtesy of Laura Crowe, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Money”, Courtesy of Sharon McCutcheon, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Long Distance,” courtesy of Chris Lawton, tookapic.com, CC0 License

8 Reasons Why Having an Affair is a Terrible Idea

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People don’t have affairs because cheating is a miserable experience. They commit adultery because it’s temporarily exciting and pleasurable. Maybe their marriage seems stale, or there are a lot of conflicts.

Perhaps they feel like their spouse doesn’t really know or love them. An affair offers the illusion of feeling desired, alive, and escaping from the mundane reality of everyday life.

The problem is that affairs don’t happen in a vacuum. There are considerable risks involved for disgrace and devastation. And in the end, the affair is almost always exposed somehow. This private disaster becomes public, and countless people are affected.

8 Reasons Why Having an Affair is a Terrible Idea

Often people find themselves entangled in an emotional affair that’s on the verge of becoming physical. You can still stop before you take it to that next step. If you’re already involved in an affair, the sooner you end it, the better. Here are eight things to think about before you let an affair wreak havoc in your life.

#1 – You Will Cause Enormous Pain

People who have been cheated on often say things like, “I feel like someone ripped out my heart and stomped on it.” There’s a reason for these colorful metaphors. Being betrayed by the one you love and thought you would spend the rest of your life with causes agonizing emotional pain.

People who have been betrayed by their spouse experience tormenting heartbreak. The emotional pain can be unfathomable. Causing someone that kind of pain shows true hardness of heart. It doesn’t matter if you blame it on alcohol or say that it didn’t mean anything. Thoughtlessness is just as cruel as deliberate malice.

Although you may be able to save your marriage, it will never be the same again. No matter how strongly you feel about this illicit connection, acting on those feelings demonstrates a brutal disregard for your vows and the person you promised to honor and cherish until death.

#2 – Your Children Will Suffer

An affair plants seeds in a family – seeds of anger, distrust, grief, and jealousy. Those seeds will grow and take a lot of work to root up.

Even if your children don’t know what’s happening, they’ll sense the shaky foundation of your marriage. Your marriage should be the solid rock on which you can build your family. An affair cracks the foundation of the family, no matter what excuse you make for it.

Your children may one day have difficulty trusting their own spouses. Or they might think adultery is justified in some situations. After all, children tend to normalize their parents’ behavior.

You might think that no one will know – that if you keep it a secret, no one will have to reap these consequences. But the bonds we have with our loved ones run deep. When you violate your marriage, you poison your soul because deep down inside, you think you deserve the affair. This poison will inevitably express itself in disdain, guilt, and words that even if they seem subtle to you, your children will be affected by it.

#3 – Your Extended Family Will Be Affected

When family members get divorced because of irreconcilable differences, it causes pain, but people do understand that some marriages are full of conflict and difficulty and don’t work out. Often, spouses can achieve a relatively amicable divorce that doesn’t cause huge rifts in the extended families.

But when adultery is involved, emotions run high and many relationships can be destroyed. If you value your relationship with your in-laws or even just their good opinion, know that you will probably be destroying both once your affair comes out.

#4 – Your Friendships Will Suffer

Friends often choose sides when adultery is involved, including mutual friends, coworkers, and church friends. Most will tend to gravitate toward the spouse who was betrayed, not the offender. Your social relationships and support system can be irrevocably damaged.

During the excitement of an affair, you’ll probably disregard this, but months and years down the line, isolation and rejection can have devastating effects on your mental and emotional well-being.

Anyone who finds out about your affair will probably wonder if they can trust you, and rightly so. If you demonstrate that you disregard your most sacred vow, how can anyone else trust you? People may understandably view your character as inherently flawed. You may lose friendships, ministry opportunities, and even opportunities at work if your boss knows what happened and has high moral standards.

#5 – Your Church Relationships Will Suffer

People at church will also tend to be polarized by your illicit relationship. If you are a ministry leader or participant, you may be asked to step down as you deal with the fallout of your decision to commit adultery. Most people will likely side with your spouse, not you.

Your reputation will be severely impacted, probably permanently. You’ll lose the trust and respect of people you value. Even people who love you unconditionally will be hurt by your behavior. Churches have also been known to split when a leader becomes involved in an affair.

#6 – Your Self-Respect Will Be Damaged

Before having an affair, you probably talked yourself into it using a series of excuses as to why it was okay. Maybe you thought, “If no one knows, it won’t hurt anyone,” or “I deserve to feel good about myself for a change.” Maybe you were bitter towards your spouse for things they’d done (or hadn’t done), so you considered your affair to be justified.

Underneath all the excuse-making, though, you know that adultery is wrong. If you’re a believer in Christ, you also know that it’s a very serious sin. You know you’ve broken your vows and devastated the one person on earth you vowed to honor and cherish.

No matter how you attempt to write the narrative, you are the antagonist in the story. Trying to justify your actions mentally will only create cognitive dissonance. Believing a lie can eventually lead to more delusional thinking, which damages your psyche over time.

#7 – Your Relationship with God Will Suffer

If you’re a believer, the Holy Spirit will convict you of the sin of your affair. Adultery is one of the sins most clearly condemned by Scripture. God hates sin because it goes against his holy nature.

When you choose to have an affair, you’re rejecting God’s commands in favor of your own selfish desires. Continuing down that road will provide you with fleeting pleasures, yes, but also with soul-crushing, long-term heartache. If you love the Lord and want to follow his plan for your life, why would you choose such a devastating path?

#8 – You Made a Covenant

It’s likely that your marriage took place in a church with witnesses present, such as your family and friends. You made a vow to love, honor, and cherish your spouse and forsake all others until death parts you. There’s a reason marriage vows are made in front of God and witnesses. They are profoundly significant and the most important promises we will ever make.

Breaking your marriage vows is violating the public, sacred covenant you made with your spouse. That’s why divorce has to take place through the court system. It’s not a trivial matter to betray your spouse. Your vows are meant to be guarded. There’s no such thing as a harmless affair.

The Reality of Adultery

No one just wakes up one morning and arbitrarily decides, “I’m going to have an affair.” Most of us have internal inhibitions against cheating. What happens is that we take one seemingly harmless step at a time, and before we know it, we’re entangled in adultery.

You start talking with an attractive coworker every day in the break room. You find out you have things in common. You begin to make extended eye contact and share your feelings and hopes and dreams. You find yourself thinking about them throughout the day, and hoping you’ll bump into them again. It becomes a growing attraction, and you can either cultivate it or shut it down.

Having struggled in your marriage is no excuse for cultivating an attraction to someone else. It may increase your temptation, but it doesn’t make it okay. No one can cause you to have an affair. It’s your own moral decision, no matter how unloving, unkind, or disengaged your spouse may be. There are other decisions you can make to handle problems in your marriage rather than committing adultery.

Even once you’re in the middle of a tempting situation, you can always make a decision to run away from it before the point of no return. Affairs are not accidental. Leading up to the temptation, you’re either cultivating loyalty to your spouse, or you’re stoking the fires of illicit desire.

If you have strong feelings for someone other than your spouse, now is the time to act. Don’t try to sweep it under the rug, think that’s it’s not a big deal, or that you can handle it on your own. Talk to a counselor, talk to your spouse if you need to, and most of all, stop the growing attraction by bringing it from darkness into light.

If you’ve already crossed the line and started an affair, confess it to your spouse and begin the arduous process of recovery. Bringing this sin into the light will be one of the most challenging things you’ve ever done but living a life of integrity and openness is far better than living one of secrecy and deceit.

Your spouse will be angry and devastated. This is normal. Don’t be defensive. Apologize, but know that that won’t be enough either. If your marriage can be saved, counseling will be absolutely crucial to the process.

If you believe that your marriage is over and you want to be with your affair partner instead of your spouse, at least have the decency and respect to put your affair on hold until you can end your marriage officially. You can’t keep your spouse and an affair partner happy while you secretly try to juggle both “relationships.”

Acknowledge your selfishness and sin and the pain that your choices have caused. Actions have consequences. Infidelity needs to be addressed as soon as possible. Acknowledge your personal feelings, and then consider the impact your actions are having on yourself and those around you. Find a therapist who can help you take the first step toward restoration.

Photos:
“Secrets,” courtesy of Ivan, pexels.com, CC0 License; “Dad’s Day Out,” courtesy of Public Affairs Office Fort Wainwright, Flickr Creative Commons; “Pray,” courtesy of pexels.com, CC0 Public Domain License; “The Waiting Game”, Courtesy of Louis Blythe, Unsplash.com; CC0 License

Three Anger Issues Symptoms You Shouldn’t Ignore

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You’re driving down the highway and a driver cuts in front of you. Your immediate reaction is to blare your horn and shout obscenities. Road rage is a term used to describe someone expressing their anger while driving and it’s one of many examples of anger.

There are a variety of situations that can trigger anger. Here are a few  anger issues symptoms to look out for.

Common Anger Issues Symptoms

1. Silent and invisible anger

Anger issues symptomsWhen most people think about anger they imagine verbal and physical outbursts. However, anger manifests in many different ways including a silent and invisible expression. The phrase “it makes my blood boil” accurately describes how anger can feel.

You could be fuming mad internally, but on the surface, you appear normal. Anger, if never addressed in a healthy way, can begin as a silent build-up of emotions. Like a volcano, it lays dormant under the surface until one day it erupts unexpectedly.

2. Aggressive anger

Anger issues symptomsAggression is the typical symptom that comes to mind when anger is mentioned. Think of a toddler’s temper tantrum. They pinch, hit, scream, slap, punch, throw, slam and stomp. Those tantrums don’t always go away as the transition to adulthood happens.

If anger isn’t properly directed and managed it can cause harm to yourself and others. Counseling provides a place to talk about and examine what exactly is causing the anger. If anger isn’t being talked about, it’s being expressed instead.

You can think of anger like a water bottle. Each situation that frustrates or angers us adds a drop to the water bottle. Eventually, if the water is never released it becomes too full and overflows. In the end, it’s usually something that doesn’t normally frustrate us that ends up causing the overflow.

Anger issues symptomsIt’s not until someone snaps that others pay attention. It’s often hard to see what’s bubbling under the surface until it has already boiled over. Anger is like an iceberg.

Above the surface of the water, only a portion of the ice is visible. But below the water, lies the part of the ice that is unseen. This is the other feelings besides anger that create the bulk of the iceberg that’s invisible. These feelings can range from guilt to embarrassment and stress.

Anger, whether silent or screaming, can be brutal. Learning to communicate your feelings of anger is the key to normalizing and neutralizing the power anger has. By discussing what you remember and how it made you feel you are integrating the right (emotional) and the left (logical) hemispheres of the brain. This helps you to regain control of your anger instead of allowing anger to dominate you.

If we only look at anger when someone is in the middle of being angry, we will never understand their anger fully. Whether sitting with a 4-year-old who has constant tantrums or an ex-convict who recalls having blackout rages, the conversations are similar.

A counselor might ask, “What do you remember?” In digging deeper the conversation might shift to, “Where did you first start to feel the anger in your body?” Taking the time to understand and examine your anger in order to discover root issues will help you heal.

3. Self-focused Versus Others-focused Anger

People don’t always associate anger with depression, but if you dissect the thought process of someone living with depression, you will often find signs of anger turned inward.

Anger issues symptomsThoughts like, “I’m worthless” or “I’m not good enough,” can become repeated thoughts in the mind. If these thoughts are left bottled up, it can turn into a belief that life is not worth living anymore or everybody is better off without you around. Self-hatred can lead to suicide.

The opposite of this is homicide. Homicide is when anger towards another person builds to the point where murdering that person seems justified. Others-focused anger takes on various forms including aggravated assault, rape, domestic violence, child abuse, bullying, and terrorism. Both self-focused and others-focused anger is rooted in deep feelings of anger that originated somewhere within.

Anger is a normal emotion. How you channel that anger is what matters most. Anger that is left unchecked, can have disastrous effects. Feeling anger can be helpful because it is a gateway to identifying and uncovering other thoughts and emotions. Christian counseling is just one way to begin a journey of handling your anger in healthy ways. If you struggle with anger and its symptoms, Christian counseling offers a safe place to experience freedom.

Photos:
“Angry Adult”, Courtesy of Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Plastic Face”, Courtesy of Splitshire, Splitshire.com, CC0 License; “Man in Shadow”, Courtesy of Roman Carey, Pexels.com; CC0 License; “Icy Anger,” PICT3742.jpg, Courtesy of Cchelle, morguefile.com

How Forgiving Others Can Set You Free

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Forgiveness. It’s such a loaded topic. There’s so much pain and doubt associated with that word — maybe bitterness, resentment, anguish, or grief.

Something shook you to your core, caused you deep sadness, and now you wonder: how can I move on from this? What does God expect me today? How can I forgive someone when I’m still dealing with the emotional fallout of how they’ve hurt me?

Does forgiving others mean pretending you weren’t hurt? Does it minimize the pain that person has caused or the harm they’ve done?

The Meaning of Forgiveness

We all tend to have a personal definition of forgiveness. Depending on how we grew up, we might think forgiving others means accepting an apology, sweeping things under the rug, or talking it out. People have many different approaches to resolving a conflict. How does forgiveness apply in every situation?

What about the person who hurt you? They apologize. You forgive them. You assume this means they won’t commit the offense again. But then the person hurts you more.

Now you feel betrayed and confused. Was the person ever really sorry? Are you supposed to keep forgiving and acting as if nothing happened?

Extending mercy can seem impossible when someone has grievously sinned against you, when they continue to hurt you in the same way, or when you feel you must pretend that everything is okay when it’s not.

We have to cut through the confusion surrounding how we define forgiveness. What’s the motive behind it? What does the process of forgiveness entail? What should we do with patterns of harmful behavior that are forgiven and then repeated over and over again? How can we address the pain without living in bitterness?

The Complication of Emotions

We struggle because of the grief and anger we experience after being hurt. We may have thoughts like, “Why should I have to forgive them? Why don’t they treat me better?”

You might feel like you have to dismiss these thoughts to forgive someone, but acknowledging your emotions is crucial to the healing process. That way, you can work through them instead of stuffing them down, only to have them pop up again later and make things even more complicated.

Making the Decision to Forgive

Questions about forgiving others abound. Here are some you may struggle with:

  • Should you immediately “forgive and forget” the sin of the person who hurt you?
  • What does forgiveness look like on a practical level?
  • Do you have to communicate your forgiveness to the person who hurt you? If so, how?
  • Does God give us a time limit for how long we can take to forgive someone?
  • Is there a biblical process?
  • Are there examples in Scripture for us to follow?

As Christians, we know we are obligated to forgive. So, if there’s a time we’re struggling with the hurt someone has caused us, we often feel guilty and ashamed that we can’t “snap out of it” and immediately go on with life.

Scripture does have answers to these difficulties. We need to study the biblical principle of forgiveness, from God to us and from us to each other. Then, seeking God in prayer for wisdom, we can apply these principles to our lives and relationships.

One of the most definite statements we’ve heard on forgiveness came from a teenager who said, “You don’t need an apology to forgive. The Bible has taught me how to forgive others and is a constant reminder that I’ve received forgiveness as well.”

When They’re Not Sorry

There are some critical aspects of forgiveness we need to explore:

  • What is forgiveness?
  • What is not forgiveness?
  • Is there a timeline for it?

When people aren’t repentant, we can still forgive them. We see this in Jesus in one of his last moments on this earth. He prayed for the people who were crucifying Him: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” – Luke 23:34

Jesus demonstrates for us that if someone hurts us and doesn’t even realize it, we still have the freedom to forgive them.

This kind of forgiveness is a powerful act. How can we “let someone off the hook” who doesn’t acknowledge the offense? The world around us won’t understand. But we know that grace is a gift from God. When we extend grace unasked, we bless the person who hurt us, and we also benefit our spirit.

When Jesus forgave those who put him to death, the criminal hanging next to Him heard it. He asked Jesus to remember Him. Jesus responded with compassion and love, setting the most excellent example for us. He said to the criminal, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.” – Luke 23:34

When You’re Hurt Again

So you go through the process of forgiveness and feel that now, all will be well!

But then the person who hurt you does it again. How many times should we forgive a person who keeps hurting us? If we get angry the next time, does that mean we never truly forgave them in the first place?

These situations can make us very confused. Should we give this person space in our lives to continue hurting us? Can we stay away from them so they won’t cause more damage? How do we forgive, yet keep ourselves emotionally safe?

Scripture addresses these situations as well, teaching us how many times we should forgive someone. The Bible also discusses the concepts of restoration and reconciliation (which are distinct from forgiveness itself).

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” – Matthew 18:21-22

So we see that Jesus wants us to extend grace over and over again, just like He does for us. No matter how many times the person hurts us, we should be willing to show them mercy, as we have received mercy.

Forgiveness is a matter of the heart. We humbly acknowledge that we are sinners in need of grace. If we are a believer, God has forgiven us of our enormous sin debt against Him. So we turn to another and extend grace to them, knowing we have no right to demand payment from them for their debt against us.

How does this apply to physically or emotionally dangerous situations? Forgiveness means letting go of the desire for revenge or retribution. It means not seeking repayment for someone’s sin debt against us.

But forgiveness doesn’t preclude the wisdom of stewarding our bodies, minds, and hearts, and taking action to keep ourselves safe. With a humble, forgiving spirit, we may remove ourselves from a dangerous situation, or distance ourselves from a person who is emotionally damaging.

Forgiveness doesn’t equate to the restoration of a relationship, or reconciliation with the person who’s hurt us. Forgiveness is a one-way street. Reconciliation is a two-way street that requires both people to acknowledge their sin and be willing to change sinful behavior by God’s grace.

As you can see, forgiveness isn’t simplistic at all! It’s between you and God. He alone knows your thoughts and motives. He can give you the grace and wisdom you need to discern what’s required for any situation, whether that be forgiveness, emotional distance, or the restoration of a relationship. Take time to seek Him, and if others misunderstand you in the process, trust that He understands you.

The Hurt That Lasts Years

Some people will never be in our lives again because of the significant damage they’ve caused us. Sometimes we may have removed ourselves emotionally from something that happened a long time ago.

We might be okay with lingering subconscious resentment and think that the process of forgiveness isn’t even worth it. If we no longer think about it, we’ve forgiven that person, right?

Consider whether any past hurts still give a foothold to bitterness in your soul. There is intentional work to be done if this is the case. You don’t need to uproot your grief or undo the damage they caused. It means you can find freedom from any unforgiveness that holds you hostage while still acknowledging that what the other person did was sinful and wrong.

Read this beautiful Scripture that ties together God’s forgiveness for us, our forgiveness for others, and our prayer life:

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. – Mark 11:25

This Scripture demonstrates that forgiveness happens in our hearts and it’s between God and us. It takes time to process our pain, as tempting as it may sometimes be to sweep it under the rug. God wants us to open our hearts and lay our hurt before Him, so we can forgive without making excuses for the other person’s sin.

What about when you are the person in need of forgiveness? Think of the guilt or shame you feel when you know you’ve sinned against someone. Consider the relief of being fully and freely forgiven. God can grant you the grace to offer that gift to someone who has hurt you. As you do so, you will remember His loving forgiveness for your sin and His care for you that does not diminish when other people sin against you.

When the Relationship is Ongoing

As we’ve seen, forgiveness has many implications for our lives, and it can take many forms as we forgive:

  • Someone who never apologized
  • Someone who continues to sin against us
  • Someone who we are still in a relationship with, whether that be a spouse, family member, friend, coworker, etc.

How do we manage our relationships when we are committed to forgiving others when they hurt us?

Sometimes we don’t feel confident enough to confront someone about how they’ve hurt us, so there’s never an opportunity to resolve the issue. And often if we do face someone about the pain they’ve caused, they don’t take responsibility for what they’ve done. They may not apologize, or they may offer a surface-level apology and expect us to move on quickly.

When someone is uncaring and harsh, can we still love them? Can the power of our love motivate someone to change when nothing else would? With God, all things are possible.

In the New Testament, we read of a practical example of forgiveness among Christians, including the grief caused by the person who sinned:

If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent – not to put it too severely. The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient.

Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him. Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven – If there was anything to forgive – I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake. – 2 Corinthians 2: 5-8, 10

Loving someone when they don’t deserve it can unlock the door to renewal for both you and the person who hurt you. If the person is repentant, we have the freedom in Christ to comfort them and help them cultivate the motivation to change their damaging behavior.

Again, biblical love doesn’t mean setting yourself up for physical or emotional abuse. It doesn’t mean ignoring your right to be safe. If you are struggling with a situation like this, please reach out for help so you can apply biblical principles in a way that is wise for your circumstances.

The Next Step

The pain caused by others can have a varying degree of impact on our lives, depending on the severity of the offense. We may experience hurt, sadness, grief, anger, betrayal, and trauma as a result of someone’s actions towards us. The counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you process these emotions and work towards finding freedom through forgiveness.

Taking the next step is a courageous act, and it’s one you don’t have to carry alone. If you are struggling with someone who is still in your life, you may be able to bring them to counseling too. Our family counselors are available to help you work through the process of forgiveness together.

If you are the one who has caused the hurt and you’re struggling with guilt and shame, we want to help you find freedom in God’s grace and the restoration of your relationships.

Forgiveness and freedom are available to you today. Let us help you take the next step in your journey.

Photos:
“Hands and Flower”, Courtesy of Lina Trochez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Crying Woman”, Courtesy of Thought Catalog, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Hand Across the Water”, Courtesy of Lukas, Pexels.com; CC0 License; “Woman Waiting”, Courtesy of Caleb George, Unsplash.com; CC0 License

Why You Should (and Shouldn’t) Try Christian Marriage Counseling

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Marriage is a wonderful blessing from God. Sharing life with your spouse can bring incredible joy and fulfillment. But anyone who is married will tell you that it is not always easy. Communication breakdown, resentment, or even infidelity – all too often, marriages can go very wrong.

One of the most effective ways of dealing with problems in your marriage is to see a marriage counselor. This is, of course, easier said than done. Indeed, those who are going through a difficult period in their marriage may be reluctant to start opening up to a stranger about it! Plus, many believe that “it just won’t work.”

Does Christian Marriage Counseling Work?

In most cases, Christian marriage counseling has proven to be extremely effective. It provides the opportunity for both parties to communicate their particular feelings and concerns and is all facilitated within a neutral and safe environment. With that being said, there are arguments for and against marriage counseling, so let’s take a look at a few.

Arguments for Christian Marriage Counseling

1. A Mediator is Helpful

Often, by the time you decide to seek out help for your marriage, communication has completely broken down. You may find that any discussion on the serious issues in your marriage ends up turning into an argument.

In these instances, a mediator may be extremely helpful, as they can act as a referee and a sounding board. A mediator will keep the conversation on the right path and will ensure that the discussion remains constructive. When working on a marriage in crisis, it is of the highest importance that the two people are able to hold a good and fair discussion on the issues that have divided them.

2. You’ll Gain Fresh Perspective

When a marriage hits a rough patch, it is often a result of a breakdown in communication. You may find yourself stuck in a pattern of unhealthy behavior toward your spouse, with no idea of how to change it for the good.

Seeing a Christian marriage counselor can help you both gain a fresh perspective and can assist you in dismantling some of the emotional walls that have been erected as a result of the poor health of the marriage.

3. It Encourages Hope

When you find yourselves stuck in a difficult marital situation, it can become very disheartening. After years of struggle, emotional turmoil and pain, it is easy to begin to feel hopeless about the situation. Making a marriage counseling appointment is an important step for you to take as a couple. You are, in effect, declaring that there is hope and a future for your marriage, and you are taking the joint decision to work on things together.

4. Overcoming Hardship Together Often Improves Bonding

When you make a conscious choice to seek help as a married couple, it signals a pivotal moment in your relationship. Though counseling will never be easy, it is the commitment to a better marriage that is the most crucial aspect of seeking additional assistance.

Plus, as you start to sort through the issues that have been holding you both back, you will develop a stronger bond. As you begin to see your marriage improve, you will be thankful for each other’s devotion to the process.

5. The Harder Path is Often the Better One

Of course, we all want to take the easy route sometimes. Unfortunately, when it comes to marriage, it is often the hardest path that yields the most fruitful results. The same applies to marriage counseling. It is not easy, but it can help you transform your marriage into a loving and stable relationship.

It can be tempting to keep going through the motions of marriage even though you are in a terrible place, but this is dangerous. Get honest, own the issues, and get plugged in to some counseling.

6. There’s A Lot at Stake

Marriage is a God-given gift. It is a sacred commitment between two people and the most stable environment in which to raise a family, so when a marriage fails, the fallout can be huge. It goes without saying that the emotional damage to kids can be enormous when their parents split up. Extended family bonds may also become strained.

It is critical to keep your marriage at the top of your list of life’s priorities and to seek out help when it is required. If you choose to go your own way, you will regret the immense damage it causes to your spouse, your family and those closest to you.

Arguments Against Christian Marriage Counseling

While engaging in Christian marriage counseling is very rarely a poor choice for a struggling marriage, it can sometimes be the wrong choice for a couple. The right emotional state, the willingness of both parties and a large dose of patience is required. If these are not present, it might not be the right time to embark on a counseling journey.

Here are a few things that might give you cause to reconsider whether or not it is the right time for you to engage in Christian marriage counseling.

1. Both Spouses Have to Be (or Become) Committed

In the beginning, it is not uncommon for one or both spouses to feel reluctant to engage. Like ripping off a band-aid to expose the state of what lies beneath, it can be difficult and painful! This usually improves once the couple starts to see and experience the benefits that counseling is having on their marriage.

However, if one spouse has pressured the other into attending, and if they have absolutely no desire to be there, it can do more harm than good.

If a spouse is completely resistant to making any changes, Christian marriage counseling can become ineffective and incredibly frustrating for the willing party. Both individuals need to be keen for it to work.

2. Sometimes it’s Too Late

Unfortunately, sometimes things are just too far gone for counseling to have any positive effect on the relationship. When communication has deteriorated to the point of insults and bitterness, it may be impossible to recover through counseling, unless the two spouses desire change.

If neither person can recognize any potential good in the relationship, and if they have zero vision for the future, it might not be helpful to hash it out any further in counseling. Having said this, we believe (and have seen!) that God can do mighty and miraculous works, even beyond what we could have imagined. Better to give it a try than to doubt what God is capable of doing.

3. Spouses Must be Willing to Change

If one spouse is involved an extramarital affair and wants to come to counseling, but is reluctant to give up the illicit relationship, no progress will be made. The same applies to any sort of addictive behavior that is having an adverse effect on the marriage.

Of course, we are all fallible human beings who mess up on a daily basis, but the individual must be willing to change – that is the most important thing. If they have no intention of changing their ways, counseling is likely to be a waste of time.

4. Individual Issues Must Sometimes Take Precedence

If one of the individuals involved in the marriage is dealing with serious emotional trauma from before or during the marriage, their well-being must be prioritized. They may be going through something that requires individual therapeutic work.

In this case, jumping into couples counseling could be detrimental to the marriage. The couple may decide to attend joint therapy once the person is in an appropriate emotional state to do so.

5. Know Your Own Limitations

There may be certain personal struggles that are preventing you from attending counseling. Perhaps you suffer from crippling anxiety at the thought of sitting down with a stranger and revealing your deepest secrets. But in the right setting and with the right therapist, a comfortable environment can be created. Some people are simply averse to receiving help and advice – but that always comes down to personal choice.

6. Find the Right Marriage Counselor

It is incredibly important to find the right “fit” when it comes to your counselor. You must be wise when seeking out someone to help you deal with the deepest issues in your marriage. It must be someone who you feel comfortable with, who has the required experience, and who you can be completely honest with.

Chrisitan marriage counseling can be an incredibly effective form of therapy for couples who are on the brink of splitting up. With the right attitude, and with the help of a well-matched therapist, marriages can be restored and renewed. If both individuals are committed to the healing of their marriage, we believe it can be done!

Photos”Trouble”, Courtesy of Nathan Dumlao, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Golden hour,” courtesy of photo fiddler, Flickr Creative Commons, 2.0 License; “Conversation,” courtesy of mrhayata, Flickr Creative Commons, CC0 License; “Window pain,” courtesy of unsplash.com, pexels.com, CC0 Public Domain License

Common Signs of Abuse and What to Do About It

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Domestic abuse used to be a somewhat hidden topic. It may have seemed too shameful to speak about, especially because of the strong possibility that disclosure would be met with skepticism. Although it’s become more acceptable to talk about abuse today, victims are still often met with disbelief or blame. For this reason, among others, they are often afraid to talk about their experience.

In this article, we’ll discuss the most statistically prevalent form of abuse, which is committed by a male perpetrator on a female victim. (It is possible for any gender to commit abuse, which means men can be victims as well.)

Here are some of the most frequent questions I am asked as a domestic abuse counselor:

  • If there’s no physical violence, is it really abuse?
  • If he’s never touched me but is threatening and controlling, is this abuse?
  • Is it possible to fix the relationship?

I want this article to be a place to define domestic abuse. I’ll also list some of the most common signs for outsiders to be aware of, and for victims to be able to confirm that what they are experiencing is indeed abuse. I’ll also outline what steps a victim can take upon finding themselves in an abusive situation.

The Definition of Domestic Abuse

Abuse is rooted in a sense of entitlement and a desire for control. The attempt to control can involve many different behaviors, including threats, fear-mongering, physical violence, or other attempts to limit the victim’s independence.

Domestic abuse does not discriminate. It can happen to anyone. Its cyclical nature traps victims into believing that it’s eventually going to change, but then it never does. It crosses socio-economic, racial, and religious barriers, and it can happen to victims of any age.

Because of how insidious domestic abuse is, it’s often difficult for victims to fully acknowledge what’s happening to them. Domestic abuse tends to escalate over time, making the victim’s situation increasingly dangerous.

Acknowledging the abuse is the first step. Recognizing what’s happening to you includes the realization that you are worth far more than this and don’t deserve to be treated in such a way (although the abuser will try to blame you).

Meeting with a professional can be the next step, but make sure that you are doing so safely to avoid retaliatory actions from your abuser. When a victim takes even a small step towards independence, abuse can escalate quickly.

Common Signs of Abuse: The Power and Control Wheel

The “Power and Control Wheel” is a resource used by the National Domestic Violence Hotline. It divides abuse into eight categories, which you can see in the following image. Here you’ll see that abuse includes but is not limited to physical actions.

Coercion and threats: This can include self-harm, threats of suicide, or threats to hurt you or someone you love. Possible threats include violent ones, but other forms of harm are included as well.

An abuser may threaten to get you in trouble in some way or take something you value. These threats are made in order to intimidate you so you’ll submit to their demands or allow them to further abuse you. Threats of self-harm may also be used, in order to guilt you into giving in to the abuser’s demands.

Domestic abuse does not always happen how you might think. It can start small and build up from there. Often, abusers choose kind-hearted, empathetic victims whose very strengths are used against them. The victims are then manipulated into a life of submission to a controlling, abusive partner.

Intimidation: This form of abuse is related to coercion and threats. Intimidation describes the instilling of fear to force the victim into compliance. If the victim does not comply, she knows there will be consequences.

Emotional abuse: This type of abuse can be easy to hide or deny. Since it doesn’t leave physical scars, the abuser often claims the abuse didn’t happen or that the victim is exaggerating, being overly sensitive, etc.

Emotional abuse is a pattern of mind games, put-downs, insults that may or may not be disguised as jokes, minimizing, denying, blame-shifting, gaslighting, using male privilege, and more. The effect of this over time is that the victim’s confidence and self-worth drastically deteriorate. The victim then finds herself constantly seeking the intermittent reinforcement (periods of affection, approval, compliments, etc.) that the abuser periodically doles out.

This type of abuse can seem subtle, but it can eventually overtake the entire relationship and become normalized. When you’re coming to terms with emotional abuse, you need to know that it is not okay for your partner to degrade you, bully you, or verbally abuse you.

Emotionally abusive partners will seek (whether consciously or subconsciously) to condition their victim to accept this unacceptable and cruel behavior, but it is not normal or acceptable, and you do not deserve it.

Isolation is another form of control used by abusive partners. Little by little, the abuser removes your independence. You lose control over your time, spend less time with your friends and family, and become completely absorbed in the relationship. Not only does this isolation enable more abuse to take place, but it also removes both witnesses and influencers who could help break the cycle.

Over time, the abuse escalates as the victim becomes more isolated, and then she has no one to talk to. This benefits the abuser because the more isolated the victim is, the less likely someone will convince her that he’s abusive and she needs to leave.

Many domestic abusers will minimize and deny that the abuse is even happening. The abuser can also blame their significant other for the abuse. This can be very confusing for the victim. I have heard clients say things like, “Am I going crazy? Is this really not happening?” This is all part of the abuser’s control tactics, by making you feel “crazy” and/or confused, and he can keep the abuse going.

Minimizing and denying: This is an integral part of abuse. Very few abusers are violent, angry, or mean 24/7. They intersperse their abuse with occasional good treatment (although this can become more and more rare as the abuse escalates).

This keeps the victim confused and off-balance. She might think that the latest abusive incident is the last one. She might think it’s her fault, which he would like to convince her of, especially if she responds emotionally or angrily to his treatment of her.

Often the abuser will convince the victim that his treatment of her is not that big of a deal, that she’s just too sensitive, that all relationships are like this, or that it didn’t happen at all. (This is especially powerful if he is not physically violent but sticks to emotional abuse. How can she prove it, even to herself?)

Abusers also gaslight their victims by claiming to forget an abusive incident or twisting it to make it seem like it happened differently than it did.

Using children: Abusive partners often use children as pawns in their quest to control their victim. They take advantage of a mother’s fierce maternal instincts and manipulate that love to intimidate, threaten, manipulate, and/or demean her.

One of the most frequent and potent examples of this is when an abuser threatens to take the kids and prevent the victim from seeing them. He does this so she will agree to his terms. It can be terrifying to encounter this and know what to do next to both escape the abuse and not lose the children.

Male privilege: This type of abuse is when a man uses his gender as a basis for power and control. He bases his demands on the fact that he is the man of the house, or on his twisted view of traditional gender roles. Many healthy marriages are based on traditional gender roles, but it is not healthy when a man uses “gender roles” to control his partner.

He does this to create an imbalance of power so he can make unilateral decisions without taking her thoughts or wishes into account. This leads to a feeling of helplessness on the part of the victim. She might feel as if she has no say in anything about her life or decisions for the family.

Economic abuse: This is another form of subtle abuse that is very difficult to identify and address. It involves the woman being financially dependent and the man using this to control her and benefit himself. This can take many forms, and it can happen whether or not she is working herself.

What Should I Do Now?

If you have read this and started to realize that you are in an abusive relationship, or maybe that someone you know is, it’s important to know what to do next.

Assessing the safety and risks is the important factor. Once a woman begins to make efforts to change the relationship or to leave the situation, the risk of violence increases exponentially. Making a safety plan is paramount if you believe there is even the slightest risk of violence.

Listen to your intuition; it’s a powerful ally. Physical abuse can begin suddenly even if only non-physical abuse was happening before. The National Domestic Hotline (1-800-799-7233) can be a good place to start assessing your safety and deciding what to do next.

Seek Counseling

A counselor can be an invaluable resource if you feel that you are experiencing domestic abuse. The isolation of abuse can make freedom seem almost impossible to attain. Doing it alone is overwhelming, and it’s easy for the abuser to maintain control.

The support and professional guidance you’ll receive from a Christian counselor can help alleviate the anxiety of this process. We will walk with you as you begin your journey to safety, freedom, and healing.

Escaping a domestic abuse situation is not simple. A counselor can help you to carry out the next indicated actions, as well as providing practical help making a safety plan, finding lawyers, medical professionals, understanding the law, and more.

The emotions and possibly trauma involved in domestic abuse will require a committed and extended recovery process. Feelings of low self-worth are common and normal after abuse. Counseling can help you process what you’ve been through and find a healthy place of recovery, hope, and personal growth.

The Lord provides comfort for His children. We want to help you seek a relationship with Him so that you can lean on Him each day of this difficult journey. He loves you and does not desire for you to be abused and mistreated.

“I sought the Lord, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears.” (Psalm 34:4) As Christian counselors, we desire to be instruments of His freedom and healing. You do not have to go through this alone.

Photos:
“Alone,” courtesy of Tiko Giorgadze, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Hurt”, Courtesy of Dmitry Ratushny, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Victim”, Courtesy of Zach Guinta, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Reflection”, Courtesy of AKi Kikuti, Flickr.com, CC 2.0 License

Understanding the Focus of Christian Family Counseling

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In many life situations, families may be asked to undergo family therapy or counseling. While many readily agree, others are hesitant, thinking that only the dysfunctional member should be treated for their issues. As far as the others are concerned, everybody is fine except for that one person.

Therapists, however, know that this is incorrect. As an integrated unit, the dynamics within the family affect each member, with some more adversely impacted than others. Research has also shown that family members may be the enablers of the “unwanted behavior” of their struggling loved one.

From a Christian counselor’s perspective, if the marriage is strong and the family boundaries are healthy, then that family should be able to function well. If it is not strong, then that is where the negative issues stem from.

Focusing on the Family Unit

Different therapists use different theories when assisting the family. One model that has been quite helpful for Christian counselors is Structural Family Therapy by Salvador Minuchin (Families and Family Therapy, 1974). His theory focuses on the internal family relationships, authority levels, and family boundaries with the environment. Using this theory together with Scripture, a Christian counselor is able to get to the heart of the family’s problems.

Malachi 2:15 (NIV) reads, “Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does this one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and not be unfaithful to the wife or your youth.”

It is very clear from Scripture that faithfulness to the marriage covenant is necessary for a healthy family. “Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21, NIV)” is necessary for a Christian marriage to succeed. When done, family roles are complemented, emotional needs are met, and each member is able to grow and mature. When it is not, then much hurt arises.

Is the Union of Husband and Wife Strong?

Most people know that when a couple separates much emotional harm is done to the children. The kids may blame themselves; they may feel ashamed among their peers; they may distrust the marriage process, or they may become hostile to one or both of their parents.

What many do not realize is that kids often suffer more from a family structure that is still physically together yet the parents do not love one another – whether overtly or covertly. Now, this is not to suggest that parents ought to separate.

It is simply to emphasize that staying together for the sake of the kids is still going to hurt the children in the long run. For a family unit to be strong, there must be real love and respect between husband and wife. This union needs to be encouraged and strengthened.

How a Struggling Marriage Affects the Kids

In a troubled marriage, the focus of the spouses becomes the children, which is the only reason why the parents are still together. Since the spouses do not love one another anymore, their love is given to their children, drawing the children into the parents’ conflict.

A common result is seen in families when one of the children misbehaves – one parent punishes the child, while the other “rescues” him or her. The parents then come together to discuss the issue. This is called triangulation, where a third party (the child) acts as the “connection” between the opposing two (the parents).

Kids, however, are smart. They often see this as one way to keep their parents together so they continue their bad behavior in order for both parents to stick around. The problem here is that the parents are still not truly together and the child has picked up bad habits which may become much bigger problems (e.g. failing grades, substance abuse, defiance of authority, truancy, self-harm) later on. Oftentimes in therapy, these “bigger problems” are already occurring which is why family therapy has been recommended for the sake of the child.

Solving the Problem by Fixing the Marriage

When treating a family, the Christian family counselor usually starts with the marriage relationship and its effects on everybody else. The spouses are encouraged to settle their differences and rekindle the love that was once there so that the family unit can become strong once more. They are then taught how to deal with the negative behavior and how to come up with a parental approach for future issues.

For example, in the case of a triangulated child, the spouses are informed of the dynamics playing out in the family, how the child is misbehaving simply for the parents’ sake, and how the child is not able to be a child because of the concern of keeping the family together. The parents are then taught how to help the child overcome their issues, and the parents are encouraged to meet one another’s needs so that they will not destroy the family dynamics again.

Examining the Family Boundaries

The other area that the counselor examines is the family boundaries. The way the family interacts with the world around it greatly affects the family members. Ideally, a family should have permeable boundaries where family’s limits (e.g. family curfew, family’s cultural and religious beliefs) are known and respected, yet are flexible enough to allow the individual members to explore who they are. But if the family’s boundaries are rigid, enmeshed, or diffuse, then problems usually arise.

Rigid Boundaries

Some families have very rigid boundaries. In such a family, parents exercise authoritarian control, requiring members to strictly follow rules and ways of conduct, stifling individualism. Often, kids are not allowed to voice their opinions or do things their way lest they face harsh punishment. Because of the family’s fear of outside influence, members may not be allowed to interact much with others. They often come home directly after school and are not allowed to go out with friends.

This environment is very negative as children either become dependent upon their parents or end up rebelling. Disorders such as anxiety or depression may also develop because of such rigidness.

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in training and instruction of the Lord. – Ephesians 6:4

In counseling, the parents are reminded that their children must learn to think and not be told what to think. If the kids cannot learn to figure things out on their own, they will suffer in school, work and in their future family. The counselor works with the family so that cultural and religious beliefs are still taught but with the proper guidelines within an atmosphere of love, not fear.

Enmeshed Boundaries

Opposite to ridged boundaries are enmeshed ones. In this family type, parents are overprotective and involved, hovering around their kids to ensure that they are always okay. These are the parents who end up completing their children’s homework, arguing with the teacher or coach when their child is not given a chance, ensuring that their kids always have an advantage over others.

While the motives may seem good, as every parent would want their child to be safe and have all possible benefits, this type of parenting does not allow their children to develop the confidence, independence, and emotional flexibility they will need to deal with the real world.

Hence, they end up with maturity and dependence issues, leaning upon their parents as they never learned how to take care of themselves growing up. Some even become disillusioned with the world as things are seemingly tougher than expected when they reach adulthood.

Train up a child in the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it. – Proverbs 22:6

For enmeshed parenting households, the counselor tries to get the parents to realize the negative effects of all their worrying and babying. By robbing their children of opportunities to grow on their own, they rob them of their true potential. Such parents are asked to “let go” so that their children can truly grow. They are encouraged to trust in our good, powerful, and all-knowing God who definitely wants the best for everyone.

Diffuse Boundaries

The third negative family type is the one with diffuse boundaries. These are usually families where the parents were unprepared for parenthood (or never wanted a child in the first place) or the parents are too preoccupied with work. In such families, there are no real rules or expectations, except perhaps not to break the law (or if you do, then don’t get caught). It is basically every person for themselves.

As the parents are not willing to be parents, kids are expected to become independent early. Older siblings take care of the younger ones. Emotional support is barely ever there as the parents are just not interested or are too tired. For affluent parents, kids may be sent off to boarding school or they may just be given a lot of money and told to stay out of trouble. For those with no means, the children often grow up in the streets, learning from the peer system that they encounter there.

Discipline your children, and they will give you peace, they will bring you the delights you desire. – Proverbs 29:17

For families with diffuse boundaries, the counselor helps the parents get the needed support to do what they need to do, yet balance their time with the kids. They may also be taught parenting skills and the importance of love and care within the family. In the sessions, family engagement is another key so that members may actually begin to communicate with one another in the hope that such communication continues on at home.

Getting Help from Christian Family Counseling

Moreover, no one knows when their hour will come: As fish are caught in a cruel net, or birds are taken in a snare, so people are trapped by evil times that fall unexpectedly on them. – Ecclesiastes 9:12

No family is ever perfect. And even if it started off well, challenges often pop up that require a family to change. Christian family counseling is there to help family units surpass these obstacles with Christ’s help. The Christian counselor will take a look at the big picture to strengthen both the marriage bond and the connection with the children to ensure that everyone can function well.

If your family or a family you know is experiencing family issues, it is important to seek help soon. Addressing the issues early one can prevent a bigger family crisis from occurring.

Photos:
“Shadows on a Wall”, Courtesy of Igor Ovsyannykov, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Field gazing,” courtesy of unsplash.com, pexels.com, CC0 License; “Family PDA,” courtesy of 1Anna1, pixabay.com, CC0 Public Domain License; “Family Outing,” courtesy of EME, pixabay.com, CC0 Public Domain License

Have You Asked These Premarital Counseling Questions Yet?

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If you’re reading this article, you’re probably engaged to be married soon. This is such an exciting time, knowing that you’ve committed to spending the rest of your life together. No matter how long you’ve known your future spouse, there are still important issues to discuss before the big day.

Throughout your relationship, you’ve both gotten to know each other, including interests, passions, likes and dislikes, and personality traits (and quirks!). At this stage of your relationship, you’re probably filled with happiness and anticipation about starting your married life.

But it’s also possible that you may have some mixed feelings. Maybe you’re concerned about some things in your relationship and wonder how they’ll affect your future. It’s okay to be nervous or have reservations about making such a huge commitment.

Whether you’re wholeheartedly ready and longing for your wedding day, or you’re feeling happy but a bit hesitant, it’s important to ask some questions before you take the step of getting married.

This is where premarital counseling comes in. It provides the opportunity and guided structure to discuss the major life values and decisions that will affect your relationship. Some couples even choose to get pre-engagement counseling so they can be fully prepared before the public engagement announcement.

Premarital Counseling Questions You Should Ask

One of the best things about pre-engagement or premarital counseling is that it requires an intentional focus on the relationship. This is definitely a recipe for success! So no matter how happy or hesitant you’re feeling right now, these who-what-where-when-why premarital counseling questions can benefit you as you contemplate your future marriage.

Who am I marrying?

This isn’t a surface-level question; it’s an opportunity to make sure you intentionally get to know your partner as well as you can. Do you know what’s most important to them? Can you identify what you most like (and dislike) about them? For the things you dislike, what are they, and are you expecting or hoping those traits will change?

Exploring this question can reveal a lot of layers; most prominently, securities and insecurities. In other words, what things about your partner make you feel secure? What qualities come to mind when someone asks, “Why do you love him/her?”

The things you love about your partner can range from their personality traits to skills or knowledge they have, or maybe their past or the way they were raised. How are the two of you similar in a way that benefits your relationship? And how are you different in ways that create a healthy balance?

It’s also good, although a little scarier, to discuss the insecurities you have related to who your partner is. Are there any red flags (even small ones)? These are the insecurities. What are the issues you desire to discuss but maybe feel uncomfortable bringing up?

Sexual history is one example of this, especially if you haven’t discussed past relationships or have only briefly mentioned them. An imbalance in the number of previous sexual partners can lead to conflict in the future if this isn’t worked through before marriage. This is particularly true if one partner has a sexual history and the other doesn’t.

This area isn’t limited to intercourse; it applies to any intimate actions. Addressing these issues in premarital counseling doesn’t mean you have to describe them in excruciating detail. A healthy approach would be to provide basic information so that there are no surprises in the future, and for each partner to listen to the other’s feelings in this area. It’s important that both of you feel you have a complete picture because things will probably come out someday either way.

Often, couples simply assume that they are on the same page in matters of faith, but fail to have explicit conversations about their beliefs. These assumptions can be misguided, which may lead to big problems in the future.

Once you’ve considered these questions about your partner, reflect them back to yourself. Do you have a healthy self-awareness? Whether you do or not, taking time to consider your values, identity, and how well your partner knows you can really benefit your relationship and your personal growth.

What does marriage mean to me?

After considering questions of identity, ask yourself what the institution of marriage means to you. Sometimes we assume that other people view marriage the same way we do. Do you view marriage as permanent no matter what? If you believe that divorce is justified in some cases, what specifically would warrant divorce in your mind?

Sometimes we sidestep these questions before marriage because they’re not enjoyable to consider. Beyond the big questions, think about the details such as dividing holidays between extended families, or dividing household chores between the two of you. What will those things look like if and when children come into the picture?

Also, think about your mental vision of marriage. What do you picture it being like? How will you balance living together and prioritizing your relationship with daily routines and managing a household?

While you’re considering what marriage means to you, think about the different components including spiritual, physical, emotional, and practical. Are you aware of any obstacles that would prevent your marriage from being what you want it to be? If so, now is the time to discuss those issues.

Talk together about what those obstacles are and how you can work on overcoming them now. Your partner may have a different perspective or be willing to offer solutions for the difficulties you’ve identified.

Where do I see us in 5, 10, 50 years?

Once you’ve thought about your view of marriage, consider your specific future together. Where do you see your life and marriage in 5, 10, 50 years? Do you want to have children? If so, how many?

Will adoption or travel be a part of your future? What are your educational and vocational aspirations? What are your partner’s? Do you want to stay in your current geographical area indefinitely?

Marriage counselors often hear the phrase “we grew apart” from struggling couples. To avoid growing apart, it’s so important to talk about your future before you start it! You’ll grow as people over time and the things you want will change, but at least you’ll both be on the same page at the beginning of your journey. This can help prevent so much misunderstanding and conflict later on.

Some other questions to ask: what are the goals you’d like to achieve as a couple? What activities do you enjoy doing together? How will you prioritize your marriage practically over the long haul, especially when juggling the responsibilities of parenthood and careers?

As you’re thinking about your individual and marriage goals, again consider any obstacles. Is your partner on the same page? Are they willing to help you reach your own goals? What areas will require compromise or sacrifice?

When you know your goals for the future, it helps you make wise decisions in the here and now. This way, you can grow together as a couple rather than growing apart.

When are we getting married?

Of course, before you actually get to the future, there’s the detail of getting married itself! If you’ll be getting pre-engagement counseling, it’s helpful to have a sense of the timeframe for your future. We all think about what season of the year we’d like our wedding to be in, but more importantly, what is the season of life you’re getting married in?

Are there any individual goals either of you would like to accomplish before the big day, like finishing a degree or a specific goal at work? Discuss these issues and decide together what you’d like to accomplish pre-marriage and what the time frame will be.

Maybe financial issues are presenting a barrier to getting married as soon as you’d like. How long will this be an issue? Are there ways you can cut back on wedding or other expenses in order to avoid having an extended engagement, which can lead to tension in your relationship?

Again, make sure you raise these issues with your partner, especially concerning your individual values about the engagement timeline. What is your goal for the engagement period? Do you feel that you still need to get to know each other and build your relationship? Or is it simply a matter of practicality to allow you to plan the wedding?

These questions aren’t meant to discover a right or wrong answer, but simply to foster open communication in your relationship. The goal is to have an agreed-upon timeframe that will not make either partner feel overly rushed but will also not draw out the engagement far beyond what is desired.

Why are we getting married?

Finally, ask yourself this: why are we getting married? Also, why am I getting married? Look at the relationships in your life that you see. You probably have examples of good and bad ones, and you probably are pursuing the former. Take inventory of what is working for them and talk to them about how married life has been.

And finally, although it might seem superfluous, ask yourself why you’re getting married. What are your reasons, both individually and as a couple, for making this lifelong commitment? Think about married couples in your life and ask what has contributed to (or detracted from) the well-being of their relationships.

Ask yourself, “What am I really looking for? What do I want? And will I find it in a marriage to this person?”

There are many possible reasons that people get married. In our culture, we often ask that question to such an extent that we simply decide marriage isn’t worth it. Since you’re considering or planning on getting married, what has made it worth it for you? Why now?

What role does religion play in your desire to be married? What about your family and friends? Are there social or cultural pressures that make you feel that you should get married sooner or later?

Marriage isn’t just merging two lives; it’s merging two extended families. Whatever skeletons you have in your family closet, those will become your partner’s, and the opposite is true as well. Are you prepared to relate to your extended families as a team?

It might seem like these questions are digging for dirt or trying to stir up trouble, but there are no wrong answers. Rather, the goal is to thoroughly explore these topics in order to build security and trust in your relationship and future.

Even if some of these questions make you feel doubtful, that’s okay! If you can ask yourself these questions and work through your doubts now, you’ll feel more confident in the future, and you can learn to love your partner better.

Knowing why you love your partner and what has led you to desire to marry them will help give you a sense of security even in the midst of future conflict. And it’s okay to not have all the answers now, either.

A huge aspect of premarital counseling is turning covert issues into overt ones, making sure things aren’t being left unsaid. This allows you to identify potential problems and deal with them proactively while you’re in a calm and structured setting.

Who, what, where, when, why – now what?

Once you’ve worked through these questions and you still want to marry this person, you’re more than prepared to enter the premarital counseling process with a professional Christian counselor or perhaps a pastor or counselor at your church. This will allow you to fully discuss the answers to these questions as a couple.

Thinking through things on your own allows you to have more helpful discussions as a couple. You can clearly identify your similarities and differences, and then consider how they will benefit each other or possibly cause issues.

Pre-engagement and premarital counseling can be an enjoyable way to grow closer together and prepare for marriage. It will allow you to feel confident in your communication and build healthy habits that can have lifelong benefits for your future marriage.

Photos
“Fingers”, Courtesy of Snapwire, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Sunset Cliffs,” courtesy of Taylor L. Spurgeon, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Lover’s Sunset,” courtesy of Alex Rebosa, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0); “Stand by Me,” courtesy of Alysa Bajenaru, unsplash.com, Public Domain License

How to Create a Professional Development Plan

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“Aim at nothing, and you’ll hit it every time.”

You’ve probably heard this saying before; it’s well-known because it carries a kernel of truth. When there’s no plan or no goal in mind, you’re probably not going to accomplish much.

People often approach productivity on either end of a spectrum. On one hand, you might be more spontaneous and neglect planning. On the other hand, you might be controlling and too focused on an outcome.

Diligence and perseverance are rare and valuable character traits. But they shouldn’t be cultivated because you’re focused on a specific result. It’s natural to work towards bettering your life, as long as you’re still thankful and content with what you have now.

It’s normal to hit walls in our work lives when we feel dissatisfied and stuck. Creating a professional development plan can help you move past obstacles like this. (If you’re married, include your spouse in your plan; otherwise, you’re definitely going to have some adjustments to make!)

How to Create a Professional Development Plan

Considering changes in your profession can be a wonderful, energized time of evaluating

possibilities. Before doing anything else, if you believe in a higher power, it is good practice to invite that higher power into your process.

Changing your approach to your career can seem intimidating. But it’s also an opportunity to consider options you might not have thought of in the past.

If you are a Christian, it’s important to start this process with prayer and acknowledging God’s hand in your life:

  • Take time to ask the Lord for wisdom and direction.
  • Remember that this life is temporary. How can you live with eternity in mind, even in your work life?
  • Remember that he works all things together for the good of his children.
  • Remember that he is with you and that you do not have to walk through any change or growth alone.

What Do I Want?

On the surface, this seems obvious, but sometimes our dreams and desires can get lost in the muddle of everyday life as the years pass. So think of an ideal situation. If you could suddenly have your dream job, what would it be? Let the ideas come without immediately dismissing them.

No matter how crazy the idea, it’s helpful in this stage of your plan, because the purpose is to find out what you truly desire. You can also identify which dreams are actually possible and which are probably pipe dreams (such as being rich and famous).

Think specifically about the vocation you really want to have. Maybe you’re already in it and you want to get better at what you’re doing. Maybe you despise your current job and desperately want to make a change but don’t know how. Or you could be anywhere on the spectrum between these two extremes.

This is where a professional development plan is so valuable. It helps you set clear objectives so you can move towards those dreams that may seem out of each but are actually possible.

Setting the Main Objective

Planning is the easy part compared to carrying out the plan. The reason we make plans, or set objectives, is so that our efforts lead to the best possible outcome. This is why we recommend starting with one main objective in your professional development plan.

A single objective doesn’t take the place of having multiple other interests, but it focuses your efforts so you don’t overwork or feel scattered.

What are the most important aspects of your vocation to you? Is it the salary, the work environment, the proximity to your home? Or maybe the benefits, flexibility, or work-life balance? Maybe you feel the need to have a strong sense of purpose in your work, such as helping people.

With this in mind, here are some examples of single main objectives in a professional development plan:

  • Find a career that allows me to work outside frequently
  • Become a lawyer working in private practice
  • Become a mid-level manager at Google
  • Advance in my current workplace
  • Take over my boss’s job when he retires
  • Work for Pixar

There’s no reason why you can’t have more than one objective, but it’s best to focus on one at a time. If you do choose to focus on more than one, you’ll have a more complex timeline. You can create separate plans for 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, etc. And of course your plans can and will change over time.

Evaluating Alternatives

Setting a main objective is just the beginning. With an overarching goal like this, the next essential step is to eat the elephant one bite at a time. In other words, we need to break down the goal into smaller tasks that are concrete and achievable.

To start with, think about all the options you have to achieve your objective, especially if it involves a change in career. Exploring your options inevitably involves research, like reading books and articles, talking to people who are already in the field, listing pros and cons, looking into job availability, etc.

Here are some things you might do while you’re in the exploring alternatives stage:

  • Take a class on a particular skill (e.g. coding) or an area of professional growth (e.g. management)
  • Get an entry-level job at the company you want to work for
  • Learn another language
  • Pursue a license you’ll need for your target field
  • Pursue a new degree
  • Talk to HR about advancement opportunities

Depending on your main objective, your alternatives might still be at a high level (pursuing a new degree, for example). If this is the case, you’ll need to break them down into smaller steps you can take.

But don’t worry about that yet. Work on your plan gradually and take the time to thoroughly research your alternatives. You don’t have to do this all at once. If you get stuck, a counselor can be a great help as you work through the process.

Once you feel like your list of alternatives is complete, you can make it into a task list by eliminating any options you’ve decided not to pursue. Some alternatives may be mutually exclusive, so when you decide to pursue one, you can automatically eliminate the other. Or you may simply decide to limit yourself because you know you can’t pursue every path at once.

Count the Cost

So now that you’ve set your objective and created a task list based on your alternatives, the next step is to count the cost! What is involved in carrying out this plan? What investment will it require of your time and finances? Do you have the mental and emotional capacity to carry it out?

What about your family and other relationships? If you decide to pursue a master’s degree, for example, your experience will be very different depending on whether you have a family or not.

If you do plan to pursue further education, you’ll have to consider your finances in detail, including hidden costs such as the sacrifice of your time, the cost of commuting, etc.

If you are married, your spouse is an integral part of your personal development plan. S/he needs to be on board with it in order for you to succeed because you’ll need his or her support. If you are making a significant career change, this will bring stress to your relationship. Both of you need to be prepared for this to happen.

While you’re pursuing your plan, unexpected things will happen. Obstacles will arise, and frustration will likely ensue. A calm response is the most beneficial for everyone. You can always reschedule an event or retake a class, but none of your accomplishments are more important than your marriage. What does it matter if you succeed professionally if you lose your marriage in the process?

Schedule it Out

Of course, your plan will have to become linear so you can decide what to tackle first. Put all of your tasks in chronological order; if you’re not sure how to prioritize them now, you can always rearrange them later, but this way you’ll know where to start. Consider your work-life balance and family commitments when you’re making your list.

Work the List

Finally, make a separate list and put the first ten tasks on it. Start working down the list. You’ll face obstacles but persevere. There’s always a solution, even if it’s to get rid of a task and replace it with another that accomplishes the same goal.

Pacing yourself is absolutely crucial to your success. Productivity is healthy, but not if it’s unbalanced and causes you to become sick, overwhelmed, or out of touch with your family. Make sure you schedule periods of rest and reconnection so you can approach your personal development plan in a healthy and sustainable way.

Review Periodically

It’s important to revisit your task list every so often to make sure you’re on the right track. Is your plan getting you closer to achieving your goals? Are there any steps that you can eliminate? Do you need to add something?

This task list is meant to be fluid and to morph over time as you discover the best way to achieve your professional dreams. The goal is to be efficient with your time and money while also being productive.

Sample Professional Development Plan

In our example scenario, J. Sample works as a clerk for a waste management company. His main objective (after three years with the company) is to move into a mid-level management position.

Here are his alternatives:

  1. This plan could easily take 5-7 years: he continues to work hard in his current position and wait for internal job openings.
  2. Or, he could begin working on his master’s degree in Business Administration while waiting for job openings. His parents might be willing to help with tuition.

J. Sample decides on the second alternative, and this is the task list he comes up with:

Professional Development Plan

Objective: Move into mid-level management at my company

Task List:

  • Pray and seek wisdom
  • Discuss the plan with my wife and seek her agreement
  • Discuss the idea with my current manager
  • Look into MBA programs nearby
    • Quality of program
    • Tuition costs
    • Night classes
    • Commute
  • Decide which class schedule would work for me and my family
  • Select a program
  • Budget for the program
    • Tuition
    • Mileage
    • Books and supplies
  • Discuss tuition costs with parents
  • Apply to the program
  • Set up a payment schedule with parents
  • Buy books and other materials
  • Schedule reading and studying
  • Set up a note-taking system
  • Organize books, notes, and materials
  • Prepare for each course
    • Read syllabus
    • Write down assignments and exams
    • Check for updates
  • Successfully complete classes
  • Graduate
  • Let my boss and HR know
  • Monitor available job openings
  • Apply to available jobs until I get one
  • Celebrate!

A plan like this would only take a couple of hours to formulate. This doesn’t mean it’s fail-proof, of course! Maybe the boss will suggest a different way to move towards management. Maybe the parents won’t want to help pay for tuition. Maybe the classes will be too difficult or overwhelming. Maybe the main objective itself will need to be changed.

Nothing is guaranteed, but the effort is what matters, no matter what obstacles and changes happen along the way. If you don’t try, you’ll never know what might have happened. And you don’t have to do this alone. Pray, talk to your loved ones and friends, and if you get stuck, talk to a career counselor who can help you work on a realistic and hopeful professional development plan.

Photos:
“Girl Writing in a Diary,” courtesy of Viktor Hanacek, picjumbo.com, CC0 License; “Studying,” courtesy of Patrick Denker, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0); “Canal couple,” courtesy of Valerie Everett, Flickr Creative Commons, CC0 License; “Forest path,” courtesy of dmz, pixabay.com, CC0 License

How to Overcome Job Burnout

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For many hardworking people today, it is common to experience job burnout at some time in their career. The increasing workload, complex demands at home (especially as the kids get older), and the monotony of routine cause workers to feel that what they are doing is not worth it.

People experiencing job burnout describe it in different ways. Some feel like they are in a panic or even “lost” as they are no longer sure about what it is they are doing.

This affects their current duties as their panicked feeling causes them to doubt their work routines (even if they have been at it for a long time!). This may also affect their thoughts about the future as they are now unsure about their career path, causing sleepless nights.

For others, burnout results in a lack of motivation. They feel “lost” like the panicky people; however, the response is more of indifference and even disgust about what they do. This creates thoughts of quitting because they just don’t care anymore (many students fed up with their class and teacher can easily relate to this feeling!).

Taking the First Steps to Beat Job Burnout

In today’s world, people applaud the idea of always being busy – at work, at home, and even in the community. When one is busy, it means that one is hardworking; one has initiative; one has ambition.

People, however, were not meant to be working non-stop. In Scripture, God implemented a day of rest for His people to reflect, pray, and rest. It was true for people then and it certainly applies to people now.

Here are the initial steps to take to overcome job burnout:

1. Acknowledge your current situation in life. Know that you do deserve to have a job that you like yet still have quality time with the family. But tell yourself that healing must start now, that life can be better for you and your family with God’s help.

2. Recognize that boundaries are needed to help you manage both your job’s difficulties and ensure family time.

3. Understand that being burned out is not unusual as many people will experience something like this at some point in their life (to varying degrees). And know that God sees your need and is just waiting for you to ask for His help.

4. Take the necessary steps to slow down and live life the way God meant you to.

Don’t Just Dream…Do!

For many people, their idea of goal-setting is to dream of where they want to be in five years’ time or so. While it is good to have dreams, they are still NOT concrete. Without the steps needed to achieve them, they remain as wishful thinking.

When young, it might not feel so bad as there are still many more years to accomplish them. But when you have been working for quite some time, not being able to achieve these dreams is very frustrating and can contribute to burnout.

Aim for More Joyful Living

In order to overcome burnout and prevent future episodes of such, a person should have the following:

Vision

A person needs to consider where they want to be, what they want to create, and who is it all for. Without such, whatever they are doing will eventually seem meaningless. Happy people work with a purpose knowing that the things they do, big or small, are done for a reason.

For example, if someone envisions having their own restaurant one day, they may see their current task of washing the dishes as understanding the small details of the business. In the future, they will know if their future employees are doing the job correctly since they have already experienced it.

Resilience & Mindset

People who have either overcome burnout or learned how to avoid it know what it takes to set firm boundaries for both professional and personal time. This includes developing a strong support group in times of crisis (e.g. friends or mentors one can count on for direct help or emotional support) and the ability to say “no” when there is too much to handle or if it contradicts your goals.

But burnout is not just about too much workload, it also depends on whether what a person is doing is within their strengths and desires in life. If what they do makes them happy and takes them a step towards their purposes in life, then they will be happy and productive in what they do. To do so, they must have the proper mindset.

Having the right mindset means knowing your purpose, your strengths and weaknesses, and being honest about your own effort in achieving your goals. Questions like “Why am I here?”, “What do I love?”, “What do I do best?”, and “Am I really giving my all?” are important to reflect upon to ensure that effort and time are not wasted.

The right mindset also means giving oneself the permission to seek a better life – something that many are not able to do because of low self-esteem, family demands, or socio-cultural expectations.

Intention

Big achievers do things with intention. These intentions are manageable goals that are part of their overall plan which is usually seen through, either by themselves or with the right help. Without them, one’s dreams may be impossible to achieve.

These intentions, however, must include mini-goals for a good work-life balance. This may include setting a time within the day for exercise and rest; blocking out days of the week for family and personal time; and allotting time within the month to see old friends.

Activation

Big achievers then activate their plans – they actually do it. Instead of procrastinating, they may work with others (e.g. personal coach) or do so on their own to set concrete timelines for these intentions and big goals.

Big achievers know that if they do not take that first step then everything is still but a dream. Achievers also realize that there is no one to blame for failure but themselves, so they take that responsibility and do what needs to be done to reach their target.

Transformation

Finally, achievers transform. Life is dynamic. The successes of yesterday do not automatically repeat themselves. A person needs to transform, knowing that this is not a one-time thing. In order to do well, one must be willing to adapt. This may mean intentionally learning new skills; enhancing your network, or choosing to cut back on things that are no longer helpful to you (e.g. bad habits).

Transformation also includes overcoming fear. A big reason why people do not want to change is that they feel comfortable where they are and are simply awaiting their “big break.” This, however, means a person becomes stagnant while the competition around them becomes better. A person must be willing to get out of their comfort zone, and this means conquering their fears.

Always Include God in the Equation

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” – Matthew 11:28-30, NIV

Sadly, in the midst of busyness, people often forget about God. Plans are made without Him; and in times of stress, people run to one another for comfort but not to Him.

In Luke 10:38-42, Jesus was making his way to visit Mary and Martha:

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.

But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Though Martha knew the importance of being with the Lord, listening to Him, and taking time to know Him more, she was immersed in the preparations while her sister prioritized Jesus.

It is good to work hard. But at times, Christ wants everyone to sit at His feet and experience the peace that only He can give. Without this, burnout is sure to occur. Hence, it is important that part of one’s intentions is to regularly schedule time for prayer, both personal and corporate, and Scripture meditation. If a person’s spirit and direction are not renewed, then life’s complications will definitely feel overwhelming.

Christian Counseling for Job Burnout

The above-mentioned advice can be done on one’s own. However, some people require a helping hand, a coach to get them back on track.

If you or someone you know needs help in transitioning out of job burnout, contact a Christian counselor soon. With the help of an encouraging voice, Scripture, and prayer, you can refocus your life priorities so that your goals may be achieved.

Photos:
“Young Girl Crossing Hands,” courtesy of Splitshire.com, AMANDR 20160413 SplitShire-6661-2; “Working,” courtesy of Bench Accounting, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Higher Goal”, Courtesy of Joshua Earle, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Serenity,” courtesy of Jojo Nicdao, Flickr Creative Commons, CC0 License