Healing from Body Shame

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Many people struggle with body image issues. “Body image is a combination of the thoughts and feelings that you have about your body.” In a UK study from 2019, it showed that “one in five adults (20%) felt shame, just over one-third (34%) felt down or low, and 19% felt disgusted because of their body image in the last year.”

Body image issues can lead to other significant mental health problems, such as eating disorders, depression, suicidal ideation, and anxiety disorders. Body image and body shame are a bit different, because people can have a healthy or positive body image. Body shame is a newer term, and it’s different from body-shaming, which is making fun of someone or mistreating them because of some flaw (real or perceived) on their body.

Body shame is treating yourself that way – feeling and believing your body isn’t good for whatever reason and mistreating yourself because of that. Mistreating it could look like extreme diet and exercise, talking badly about it, having eating disorders, excessive plastic or corrective surgeries, problematic drug or alcohol use, engaging in high-risk sexual activity, hiding your body, or not giving it what it needs for health.

Body shame could originate from several things. Past trauma (especially sexual), but also emotional and physical abuse, can lead to debilitating body shame. Being bullied or teased as a child and young adult and being compared to others with different body types, can cause it. Constant social media or pictures of celebrities with “ideal” body types, perpetual and unwanted singleness, or a lot of unwanted romantic or sexual attention can also lead to body shame.

This is an issue with which so many struggle, and they are scared to talk about it. But it’s possible to begin healing from body shame, to begin seeing your body as good, no matter what it looks like. This article will only scratch the surface, and professional counseling may be the best route to work through all of it, but these are some steps to heal from body shame.

Healing from Body Shame

As you work through these steps, jot your feelings and thoughts down in a notebook. If you decide to get counseling for body shame, this notebook will help facilitate discussions between you and your counselor.

Create a timeline of the history of body shame

When was the first time you felt shame about your body or being in your own skin? Write out every single moment that stands out from childhood until now, every moment that you felt like you hated or despised your body. Think about the reason what that experience meant to you. Was it abusive in any way? Was it traumatic? Name everything that comes to mind.

Think about how you were hurt/ what you felt then

As you do this, with each memory, consider what you felt in that moment. Di you feel confusion, shame, embarrassment, loneliness, sadness, or anger? What did you feel then and what do you feel now as you remember? How was this situation hurtful? What was so hurtful about it?

What did you believe then

Next, think about what you believed then about the situation, the other people involved, and your body. This could have been the result of something someone said or how they acted toward you, but what belief began to take root? Were there any times you believed positive things about your body? When was that and what was that like?

What do you believe now

What do you believe now? Do you believe any of those negative things about your body today? Why or why not? Do you believe any positive things? What are those positive things? What do you like and dislike about your body? Name it all, no matter how difficult this may be. It’s important to be completely honest with yourself about it because honesty and vulnerability are ways people can heal from any type of shame.

Center on truth

Just because you think it doesn’t make it true, and just because someone said it to you or about you doesn’t make it true. What is true is that your body is good. When God made man and woman, he said they were good. That doesn’t just include their souls. It means everything, body and soul. It’s possible to begin believing your body is good, no matter its state or how it looks.

Truth doesn’t ignore the unhealthy things, though. If your body is unhealthy in any way, it’s important to recognize this truth and not ignore it. But you don’t want to slip into extreme mistreatment of your body because of negative thoughts and feelings. You want to center on the truth that your body is good.

Work toward forgiveness of those who’ve hurt you

It’s never okay to mistreat someone because of their body shape, size, or anything about their appearance. This is body-shaming and often abusive. Most of the time, it’s because of something someone did or said to you that led you to feel shame about your body. You’ve been able to identify what it was that hurt you most.

Now it’s time to move toward forgiveness. They might not have ever apologized for the wrong they did to you and may never. But holding that hurt and anger toward them will only hurt you more. It’s time to be free of the hold they have on you. Spend time practicing forgiveness.

Write out “I forgive _________ for ____________” in your journal, then speak each one out loud. It may take months or years to forgive repeatedly, but it’s an important step in your healing.

Move toward acceptance and healthy self-care

Self-acceptance and self-compassion are the highest goals here, because compassion is another way to break through shame. Spend some time treating your body as though it were good. Write positive affirmations on your mirror. Keep those same affirmations around your home or where you see them often. Tell them to yourself over and over again. Look in full-length mirrors at yourself and smile at yourself in the mirror.

Buy (and wear) clothes that flatter your body. Take good care of your body by eating healthy and exercising regularly. Prioritize rest. Moderate your alcohol consumption and don’t misuse substances. The goal here is not to be military-like, obsessive, or even shallow with yourself, but to treat your body as if it were good. What would it mean for you to accept the fact that your body is good and for you to treat it that way?

Set boundaries with people who continue to mistreat you

This may be one of the hardest steps because you’ll have to confront people. It’s only worth it to do this with people whom you want to remain in your life. You can share with them how you felt (or feel) when they said or did (or present tense) whatever hurts you and leads you to feel shame about your body. “I feel ____ when you _____.” Or “please stop saying ______ about my body. I don’t like it, and it makes me feel ______.” Or “I’m choosing to believe the best about myself.”

If they are presently saying negative things about your body, it will be up to you to stand up for yourself. This is a way of treating your body like it’s good. Consider what boundary you’d like to put in place. For example, never talk about physical appearance with a specific person or not shopping with that person. It could be that you decide to only talk positively about your body and others’ bodies around that person.

Whatever your boundary, you’ll need to communicate it to the one who keeps hurting you. If that person continues to disrespect the boundaries you have in place, you may choose to spend less time with them altogether. They aren’t proving to be safe people, and it’s difficult to heal from body shame with unsafe people in your life. Meeting with a counselor can help you know how to set boundaries with others to protect yourself from further shame.

Body shame doesn’t have to ruin your life. You can fight back. You can heal and believe your body is good, and you can treat it like it’s good, too. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help from a compassionate counselor so you can fully heal from body shame.

References:
https://nedc.com.au/eating-disorders/eating-disorders-explained/body-image/
https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/publications/body-image-report/exec-summary#:~:text=New%20body%20image%20statistics,-New%20online%20surveys&text=One%20in%20five%20adults%20(20,image%20in%20the%20last%20year.

Photos:
“Woman on the Beach”, Courtesy of Dan Torres, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Woman on the Beach”, Courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Woman on the Beach”, Courtesy of Darko Trajkovic, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Uprooting Bitterness as a Christian

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As Christians, we are called to uproot bitterness. It isn’t an easy task, but it is an important one. To take on Christlikeness, we need to steer clear of a mindset of hatred and other sins. We also need to adopt a grateful heart that recognizes our position with God and honors Him. Bitterness has the potential to interfere with one’s mindset and heart for God.

What Bitterness Is Like

I’ve been patient for years. When is it his turn to have some patience? Doesn’t my husband understand I’m only human? Why can’t he stop what he’s doing long enough to take care of my needs for once? 

I can’t believe we are back here again. Why do I even have to ask? It’s basic decency to help around our own house. Taking out the trash is the least of the things he can do. Why can’t he just do it? Why does it have to come with an attitude? Don’t make me ask then! Take it out already!

All she does is nag me. How’s anyone supposed to take that? If she doesn’t want me to yell at her, then why won’t she shut up? All I want is for her to show me some kind of love and to stop bringing up things that make me angry. It’s like, why can’t she leave it alone? 

The above examples are all temptations to and/or displays of active bitterness. When bitterness takes over, it makes it all about what the other person must do to make us feel better. It quickly runs the show and breeds hatred and stubbornness. At its core, bitterness is self-idolizing. In other words, it’s selfish.

Who is the problem?

Without uprooting bitterness, as Christians, we take on the mindset of the world. A self-idolizing one that excludes God and promotes disobedience. “She’s the problem” quickly turns into, “I’m not God, only He would put up with something so long.”

Thinking such things ignores the wisdom of the following Bible passages:

  • Matthew 5:48
  • Matthew 16:24
  • Mark 8:34
  • Luke 9:23
  • Leviticus 11:44-45
  • Leviticus 19:2
  • Leviticus 20:7
  • Leviticus 20:26
  • Matthew 5:48
  • Hebrews 12:14
  • 1 Thessalonians 4:7
  • 2 Corinthians 7:1
  • Ephesians 1:4
  • Romans 12:1
  • Romans 6-7
  • 1 John 3:3
  • Isaiah 35:8
  • Isaiah 57:15

All these scriptures point to our God wanting His children to be holy like Him. The encouraging news is, He who calls us enables us. For as Romans argues, what did Jesus die for but for us to stop living in sin? Bitterness allows us to ignore these scriptural teachings and adopt our own deceptive thinking.

Bitterness calls us to demand our own way and serve ourselves as masters. Jesus warned us that “one cannot serve two masters.” If this isn’t a case for uprooting bitterness, I’m not sure what is.

So, for those of you who are still reading and convinced bitterness must go, let me now shift to how we can uproot bitterness as Christians. Becoming Christlike involves denying ourselves. In order to uproot bitterness, we need to start by recognizing it. Bitterness starts in the earliest stages of grumbling and complaining. Raising a complaint against someone has its place, but it is not something that God takes lightly.

God’s Measuring Tape

One trigger for bitterness (our own as well as what we provoke others) is judging without God’s measuring tape. We are called to use judgment so that we and others are drawn back to Christ.

To make sure our judgments are according to God’s measuring tape, and not our own, we need to use the Bible to see if our judgments match God’s or if we are adding to the requirements God has already set.

A sign that your judgments may be outside of God’s is if you are assigning time. Our timing often doesn’t match God’s, nor does our patience. So, if you’re tempted to expect something in a specific time, you must check that with God’s Word to see if it’s His judgment or your own at play. Setting ourselves up with godly expectations reduces opportunities for bitterness all around.

Squashing grumbles/complaints

Squashing grumbling and complaining is where uprooting bitterness as a Christian has to start. At least it needs to be given priority.

Grumbling and complaining are not only bad for the spirit, but they are an offense to God. In addition, grumbling and complaining don’t just breed bitterness; they are the beginning of wrath (i.e., explosive anger) and cruelty.

A way to squash grumbling and complaining is to catch them happening and replace them with any mix of the following:

  • A deep breath
  • Gratitude
  • Honorable thoughts
  • Beautiful Thoughts
  • Thoughts of something worthy of praise
  • Positive song
  • Dance movement
  • A Hug
  • Stretching
  • Change of task
  • Change of rooms
  • Drink of water
  • Bite of something pleasant
  • Telling someone something positive
  • Smile
  • Pet a pet
  • Exercise move (squat, push-up, etc.)
  • Extended eye contact
  • Quick little positive moments to replace quick little negative ones.

This helps to train your brain to develop a more positive way of coping with the negative that’s making you grumble.

How the Fear of the Lord Helps Christians Uproot Bitterness

If the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, then it is the best starting point for working anything out. There is ample wisdom that comes from the fear of the Lord in relation to uprooting bitterness.

Remember who God is

Remembering who God is reminds us that it is He from whom our help comes, who is the ultimate judge, and to whom we are accountable. When it comes to uprooting bitterness as a Christian, taking time to remember God for who He is decreases our overall stress and humbles us at the same time.

Remember who we are

Remembering who we are in relation to God also helps us maintain humility. Remembering that we are not the judge of all the earth, nor are we perfect, and we have little room to judge, helps to prevent bitterness from growing.

Remember who we are in Christ

Because of Christ, the Christian is set free. We are cleansed by His blood and forgiven. Salvation is the prize set before us. When we focus on this, we can replace our grumblings with gratitude.

The soul’s focus also applies to the other person. As a brother or sister in Christ, they are running the race with you, chosen by the same God. As an unbeliever, they are a soul over whom Jesus is the judge, and His judgment is perfect.

In any situation, remembering who we are in Christ can lift the spirit and spur us on to good works; thus, the uprooting of bitterness takes place.

Not easy, but worth it

Uprooting bitterness is not easy, but it is worth it. While one could argue that a lack of bitterness is simply a good thing, what really makes uprooting bitterness so worthwhile is the strengthening of our relationships.

Our relationships with one another, with strangers and family, and with God impact our lives. The health of these relationships determines whether that impact is positive or negative, and uprooting the illness helps lessen the negative impact all around.

If uprooting bitterness does not lead to a healthier relationship between you and someone else because things still need to be worked on, it will still help you relate to the world with more peace in your heart and a cleaner standing with God.

If you are struggling with bitterness or any other type of anger and are finding it difficult to manage, reach out to our reception team to schedule an appointment with me or one of the other counselors in our association.

Photos:
“Bedroom Tiff”, Courtesy of sasint, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Three Crosses”, Courtesy of geralt, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Mother and Daughters”, Courtesy of Pixabay, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

Weight of the World: Exercising Self-Compassion with Weight Issues

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For many years, managing weight issues has focused on getting smaller as the primary goal. In a society that emphasizes appearance, we attach feelings of worth and attractiveness to our weight. In the process of reaching for an ideal derived from an unrealistic, outside standard, we injure ourselves.

Dieting that depletes and exercising to exhaustion are not the only culprits. The battle begins in our minds when we use shame to punish ourselves for enjoying food or belittle ourselves when we do not work out. This mindset hinders us from moving toward the goal we desire. The result is we accumulate more baggage internally and additional weight externally.

We are pulled into perpetuating cycles of shame and regret. We cause physical damage to ourselves by denying essential nutrition or overworking our bodies to compensate for our choices. Instead of celebrating wins and receiving compassion, we trap ourselves in behavior patterns that internalize shame and sometimes project it onto others.

Unpacking Weight Issues: Practical and Spiritual Insight

Our appearance may not always reflect the inputs made in our weight loss journey. Every metabolism differs. We must pay attention to other measures such as blood pressure and glucose levels which may offer a snapshot that differs from our preferred clothing size.

Our medical teams may support us by establishing healthy and realistic goals, based on the information gathered. They may also share relevant insight about the combination of exercise, eating practices, and medical interventions that work for where we are in life.

Physical health is important. Weight issues are known to exacerbate many preventable ailments. However, weight alone is not the only significant indicator of one’s health status. Consult with your healthcare providers to better understand your particular body.

When the focus is on the negative, we lose sight of the positive aspects of navigating weight issues. We forget or perhaps never considered that we can enjoy the journey of learning to eat well and exercise without judgment and penalty. Moving toward better health requires a mindset change, choosing to embrace the benefits beyond appearance.

Movement promotes comprehensive rewards, not only the result of modifying our appearance, but also in the process that affects us internally through healthy esteem, reduced stress, better heart rate, increased energy level, and improved sleep quality.

When we couple movement with fresh perspective, we elevate its impact. For example, when we work out with a friend, we receive the benefit of shared time, encouragement, and accountability that transforms healthy habits into a lifestyle.

With God, our workout upgrades routine exercise into a worship experience that nurtures the spirit while recharging the body. When it comes to weight issues, exercise plays a role in our resilience and builds us up physically, while multiplying benefits for our mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

Getting to the Root

Weight often accumulates as a result of a deeper issue. When we use food to cope and comfort unresolved pain, we hide and shield ourselves from the One who can heal. As with many addictions, we cover ourselves with the substance or focus of our craving to then cloak in shame, not wanting to be seen.

This reminds us of the Garden where Adam and Eve sinned against God. Their choice grieved them and God, forcing them into the shadows instead of bringing their hearts into the light with Him. We repeat those errors, born out of ignorance and our own volition. These heart matters require a natural and spiritual resolution.

Self-compassion is where we begin to heal the natural and spiritual. Part of this includes treating ourselves as God does. He does not punish us for a missed workout or insult us for additional portions, but rather releases kindness to redeem what is lost and move us forward in hope and strength.

The lord appeared to us in the past, saying: “i have loved you with an everlasting love; i have drawn you with unfailing kindness. – Jeremiah 31:3, NIV

The Worth Factor

Where does this hateful attitude originate? It comes from the accuser who overwhelms us. He prompts us to seek solace with foods that offer temporary comfort. Then, he blames us, needling us with harmful thoughts. If this is not how God treats us, why do we tolerate it?

We wrongly believe that we deserve it and punish ourselves as a result. As the accuser, the enemy wants to berate us and thwart our progress. When we indulge negative thoughts, feelings, and actions, we sabotage our own journey. What is left for the enemy to do if he has persuaded us to align with his mission to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10)? We do that when we speak punitively to and about ourselves.

If we want to shift the way we manage weight issues, we must come into agreement with what will propel us forward in triumph with God.

Three Agreements for Change

Agree to see yourself the way God sees you. The Word of God is a mirror. Choose to perceive yourself through the eternal lens, thinking and speaking about yourself in the same way as God. Begin with the Bible’s truth to discover His heart for you and include this in your self-talk, as you read scripture aloud and affirm it over yourself.

Whether you have wrestled with weight issues as a result of health circumstances, life changes, or as long as you can remember, it does not matter. Your identity remains as one who is created with unique purpose (Ephesians 2:10).

Agree to let your food be your medicine, not your drug. There is a difference. Allow its macro and micronutrients to heal and answer your body’s hunger and need. Use food to gratify an appetite, not to fill a void. Do not allow shame attached to weight and addiction issues to taunt you or stuff your pain in secret. One of the first steps is to partner with God to receive His compassion and reset our self-concept with His Word.

We can cultivate enjoyment of the flavors and textures of food that God has placed in the earth (1 Timothy 6:17). Healthy lifestyle information may be readily available through classes, friends and family, websites, support groups, or cookbooks. These resources demonstrate and inspire us to blend creativity and fun into fresh approaches that feeds and move us from the inside out.

We can invite God and others into an experience that pleases our palates and mutually fills. Satisfaction emerges to not only savor our food experience, but also, to offer moments with God and memories with those He is placed in our lives.

Agree to embrace the future and hope that is yours in Christ. You can create experiences with cooking, eating, and movement without fashioning an idol out of food or our weight issues.

Whether you have lost, gained, or maintained weight, where you are is not your end. You are more than a collection of successes, failures, and attempts. God has your future on His mind (Jeremiah 29:11). What you have gained or lost is a plot twist in your evolving story with Him.

Carving a New Path

Burdens of shame can sometimes lead to overeating, secret binging. and hoarding that causes us to squirrel food, indulge in private, and then feel guilty for it. It robs us of what is rightfully ours as kingdom sons and daughters. Jesus wants us to bring our heaviness (Matthew 11:28-30). He loves us into the light, drawing out of shame’s looming shadows. He wants to exchange our weight issues for His empowering grace and joy.

The process of working through our weight issues is essential. More than reaching a goal weight, we learn how to think creatively with God, not only about our food but also about movement. We go deeper into our hearts where we face the lies and limit the beliefs that have burdened us. Following the Holy Spirit into the path carved by our weight issues, we can invite God into our isolation to heal pain and fill our heart hunger with His righteousness, peace, and joy.

Next Steps

As with many difficult journeys, we were not meant to shoulder the weight without help. Between Christ, community, and wise counsel, God has furnished us with what we need to overcome and endure. Reach out today to contact a therapist through our site. You will find someone to support you with the compassion and grace to release weight issues you were never intended to carry alone.

Photos:
“Loving Heart”, Courtesy of Giulia Bertelli, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Praying”, Courtesy of Naassom Azevedo, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Walking Down the Road”, Courtesy of Emma Simpson, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Healthy Breakfast”, Courtesy of Vitalii Pavlyshynets, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

What is EMDR Therapy? How It Can Help

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Trauma affects people differently. Some people are affected in such a way that they need extensive treatment for their mental health issues. Traumatic situations can create memories that cause people to have a variety of mental issues such as PTSD. One type of therapy that is becoming more widely used is eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy, or EMDR.

This method of therapy for trauma revolves around eye movements as you process memories of traumatic experiences. The main goal of this treatment is to help you heal from those experiences and move toward better mental health. The most helpful aspect of EMDR is that it is based on the body rather than just talking about the problem. This can be helpful for those who are affected by PTSD, panic disorders, depression, and anxiety.

How does EMDR help with PTSD?

To understand how EMDR can help PTSD, you need to understand what PTSD is and how it affects people. PTSD is one of the most common mental health issues related to trauma. There are thousands of people who deal with post-traumatic stress disorder each day.

PTSD was at one time associated with combat veterans but has been expanded to include those who have experienced a serious event such as rape, terrorist act, sex trafficking, natural disaster, or serious accident and injury.

Those who suffer from PTSD usually show signs of having flashbacks and may seem detached from people. They do not want to be around any situation or person that may remind them of the traumatic event.

To overcome these feelings and behaviors, those with PTSD may engage in therapy with a counselor who is trained to understand PTSD and its effects. In addition to these therapies, medication can also be prescribed to control some of the core symptoms of PTSD.

Treatment with EMDR

For those who suffer from PTSD, treatment using EMDR is not like most treatment plans. There is no requirement to talk about the details of the traumatic event. Other therapies involve discussion of details and the event which can be extremely difficult in some instances. EMDR therapy is often shorter than other therapy plans.

By using mechanisms through the nervous system, PTSD sufferers can experience healing through EMDR by having memories desensitized. This is done by allowing the brain to relearn to orient in a way that the mind will understand that the event has passed.

To help the brain relearn, the sufferer is taught how to use reasoning to think about the events in a more positive way. Also, EMDR allows for the visual intensity of the event to be lessened. Using a process called “rest and digest” the body can begin to get a sense of healing from PTSD.

How does EMDR help with anxiety and depression?

Even though it is not one of the most prominent treatments for anxiety and depression, EMDR is growing in its use for those who suffer from debilitating anxiety. Much the same for PTSD, EMDR helps anxiety/depression sufferers recognize how to find a positive reaction to memories using eye movements. As there is no requirement for talking during the EMDR session, it seems less invasive to the person who suffers from anxiety or depression.

By learning to shift away from the thoughts that trigger anxiety, the sufferer can experience calmness through more positive thinking. A good EMDR therapist can help walk you through the process of understanding how to remove yourself from the place of anxiety to a more serene thought process.

In treating depression, EMDR will help the sufferer replace negative thoughts or beliefs with positive affirmations. By learning to visually focus on something positive the person suffering from anxiety will be able to replace the negative trigger with a more calming thought.

The Process of EMDR Sessions

Understanding the process of the EMDR sessions can also help answer the question, “What is EMDR?” The first step is to discuss whether or not you are going to be emotionally strong enough to handle working through the traumatic memories. This will be done with your therapist so you can be given skills to manage the emotions that may arise. This is done by sharing your background with your therapist.

The next part of the EMDR session involves creating a plan that will lead you through the trauma and its different aspects. You and your therapist will discuss which part or event you will work through first. You will discuss how the event has affected your life mentally and physically.

The final step of the sessions is to begin using eye movements as you talk about the memory. This is done by the therapist who will use a finger or other object to have you look from side to side. There have also been instances where headphones and sounds are used. There is no right or wrong answer when you are engaged in EMDR. You let your mind travel through its thoughts and make any connections needed.

What is the controversy about EMDR?

What is EMDR is the simple question. What is the controversy is the more difficult question. While there is not one specific reason for controversy, the biggest one seems to be that there is a lack of knowledge surrounding the true benefits of EMDR.

The concern is about the side effects that may include heightened emotional sensitivity, headaches, and vivid dreams. Should any of the effects be experienced it is important to discuss them with your therapist so that they can help you adjust the treatment sessions.

Additionally, there are concerns that there is no evidence to show that a person is healed from the trauma, but rather they become disassociated from the trauma. Some believe there can be a negative effect and that EMDR can worsen the issues.

How effective is EMDR?

The effectiveness of EMDR is still undergoing study. Most of the studies show that there is a relief of emotional stress in those who have undergone EMDR. It has also been noted that there could be some relief of muscle pain due to tension from episodes of anxiety and that EMDR can be effective in treating most symptoms of PTSD, depression, anxiety, and even substance abuse disorders.

Biblical Aspects of EMDR

While the Bible has no answers to the question of what is EMDR, it can be used as a guide to help create a faith-based treatment plan using EMDR. God did not intend for us to remain broken from traumatic experiences.

In a cruel world that is filled with sin bad things happen. God never intended for us to experience the bad things that cause us to have PTSD. But He knew that with the combination of the world and our sinful nature we would experience things that break us and beat us down.

Learning to understand how God sees us when we are suffering from these things can help us begin to see the positive side that EMDR leads us to. Understanding how God created us and how He wants to heal us is important. This, in combination with EMDR, can greatly benefit those who are suffering from mental issues related to traumatic experiences.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18, NASB

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. – Psalm 147:3, NASB

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. – Romans 15:13, NASB

Peace I leave you, My peace I give you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, nor fearful. – John 14:27, NASB

Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary. – Isaiah 40:31, NASB

Next Steps

If you would like to find out more information about EMDR and if it is the right treatment for you, contact a therapist near you to discuss your options.

Photos:
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Signs of Anger Issues to Be Wary of

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Anger is one of those emotions that seems big, bold, brash, and hard to hide. That’s because in a lot of instances, when people feel and express their anger, that’s the form it takes. There are endless stories about anger gone wrong, whether at a family gathering like a wedding, Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or dustups between perfect strangers at a local buffet, restaurant, gas station, or parking lot. The internet sometimes seems to run on anger.

With anger so prominent in everyday situations, you’d think we’d be better at identifying it in ourselves and dealing effectively with it. There are sometimes subtle signs of anger that we either don’t take to be anger or that we ignore for various reasons. Detecting anger issues in your life can help to save your relationships and promote your well-being.

Where Anger Issues Come from

What exactly are anger issues? Being angry and expressing that anger doesn’t necessarily mean that you have anger issues. When a person has anger issues, it means that they struggle to control their anger, and that loss of control often has negative consequences in their life, some of them small, but some of them big. Anger has a dominating presence in that person’s life.

If you don’t work on any anger issues you may have, that can affect all areas of your life, including your work, your relationships, and your health. While anger issues are quite destructive, they can also feel like a normal part of one’s life, especially when they are part of longstanding patterns.

Some of the work of undoing anger issues is rooted in understanding where anger issues come from. This differs from person to person, as anger issues can stem from a combination of biological, psychological, and environmental factors, as these interact with the individual’s personality and temperament.

Anger issues may have a biological component. Some inherited traits and one’s temperament may contribute to anger issues. Experiencing changes or fluctuations in your hormone levels, such as your testosterone or cortisol levels, can influence your anger. Lastly, having imbalances in your brain chemistry can also affect whether and how you regulate your mood well.

Psychological factors such as mental health conditions, experiences of childhood trauma, and stress or frustration can all contribute to feelings of anger. Health conditions such as anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder can all have increased levels of anger and irritability as symptoms.

In terms of environmental factors that might play a role in anger, your family dynamics and upbringing can shape your behavior, including how you understand and relate to your anger. If you’re exposed to violence and anger, or the cultural and social norms you’re immersed in navigate anger in unhelpful ways, it can also contribute to anger issues. Anger may also become a problem if you find yourself in difficult life circumstances that trigger anger.

Apart from these main factors, other things that can trigger anger issues include struggling with medical issues like chronic pain or thyroid disorders, substance abuse, or sleep deprivation. These and other factors may lie under a problem with anger.

How Anger Can Upend Your Life

When you get angry, there is no telling where it’ll take you if you let it. Some things are good servants and poor masters, and anger is one of those things. Anger can upend your life in significant ways.

Along with this goes the idea, “Be angry and do not sin.” As a person who has come under the leadership of Christ and the support of the Spirit, anger is not essentially bad but can become so when not controlled and given the reins to steer your choices. Anger, in controlled usage, can draw attention to wrongdoing and urge the wrongdoers to change their ways (i.e., a picked-on person saying “you need to stop spitting spit wads at me because that is not okay”).

Anger in uncontrolled, sinful form can seek to attack, humiliate, or damage the wrongdoers and end situations altogether (i.e., a picked-on kid (or bully) punching or damaging or humiliating the other person).

Some of the ways unbridled anger can be disruptive in your life include:

Damaging relationships When you don’t manage your anger well, it can lead to frequent and deep conflict with the people in your life. Angry outbursts can strain relationships with others, and you may say things in anger that you later regret. If you’re an angry person, people may walk on eggshells around you or avoid you altogether, leading to social isolation.

Affecting your work life Anger can result in conflict with clients, coworkers, or supervisors, which may result in job loss. If it doesn’t get that far, anger can still impair your judgment by impairing your decision-making and problem-solving skills, impacting job performance. Unmanaged anger may also lead to accidents, injuries, and reckless behavior on the job, which endangers you and other people.

Impact on physical health When you’re angry, it’s a whole-body experience. Anger activates your fight-or-flight response, putting your body on high alert for threats. If you are angry a lot and if the anger is intense, that taxes your body. Chronic anger can increase the risk of cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, a weakened immune system, and stomach issues like ulcers, irritable bowel syndrome, and acid reflux.

Impact on mental health Just as anger affects your body, it also affects your mind. If your anger isn’t under control, it can contribute to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and feelings of guilt and shame. To cope with anger and its effects on one’s life, some people turn to substance abuse, which worsens the situation.

Legal and other consequences Anger can lead to bad decision-making, like assaulting other people or damaging property. This can result in legal action being taken against you, as well as being arrested and possibly convicted. Anger can also lead to financial problems, especially when the anger escalates and results in losing work or facing lawsuits for damage caused to people and property out of anger.

Uncontrolled anger can take a difficult situation and make it worse. This makes it all the more important to address anger issues to deal with life problems without worsening them or creating new ones.

Signs of Anger Issues

Can you tell when you’re getting angry? It’s possible to know yourself well enough to clock when you’re starting to get angry. For some, they feel their face flush or their ears start to burn. Perhaps your heart rate increases, and you get a sense of tunnel vision. Maybe you start talking quite fast and gesturing a lot. Or maybe you go quiet, and you clench your jaws and fists. Each of us has our unique reactions when we start to get angry.

Anger issues can manifest in different ways, and sometimes it’s possible to not even realize that one has a problem with anger. Here are some signs of anger issues to be wary of:

Irritability and mood swings One sign of anger issues is if you easily get annoyed or frustrated, even over small or inconsequential things, and you experience sudden shifts in your mood. If you are irritable or your mood shifts are deep and hard to get out of, that too could point to anger issues.

Sarcasm and passive-aggressive behavior Sometimes, people will express their anger in quieter, more indirect, and less confrontational ways. This includes using sarcasm, backhanded compliments, sulking, rolling your eyes, procrastinating, or other indirect expressions of anger.

Feeling tightness or tension in the body This occurs because you may be frequently clenching your jaws, fists, or tensing your shoulders, indicating pent-up anger or frustration.

Avoiding conflict or difficult conversations Another subtle sign that could point to anger issues is dodging hard discussions or situations that might lead to conflict, instead of addressing issues head-on. If you don’t want to have such discussions because you’re worried about your reaction, especially how you’ll react if you get angry, that could point to anger issues.

Procrastination or passive resistance Another sign of anger issues is when you put off tasks or responsibilities, or you do them begrudgingly to express your anger or frustration with a person or your circumstances.

Overreacting or being overly critical Instead of reacting in a measured way, responding in an excessive or over-the-top way to minor setbacks or mistakes could lead to anger issues. Additionally, if you’re overly critical of yourself or others, that could also be the result of anger issues.

Difficulty relaxing or calming down If, when you get angry, you struggle to unwind or relax, or to calm yourself down even in peaceful environments, that could indicate anger issues.

Substance abuse or addiction Using substances to cope with or numb feelings of anger or the consequences of actions taken in anger may point to anger issues.

Physical complaints Experiencing somatic symptoms such as frequent headaches, stomach issues, high blood pressure, or other physical complaints may be the result of stress and anger issues.

Difficulty apologizing or forgiving If you struggle to admit mistakes you’ve made, to apologize, or to forgive yourself or others, it may be the result of unresolved anger or resentment.

People experience anger differently, and these signs may well point to anger issues, but they may also be rooted in another cause. If you’re concerned about your own anger or that of someone you know, you must consider seeking help from a mental health professional to help you identify and address any anger issues.

Addressing Anger Issues in Your Life

Dealing with anger issues is a process that takes time and concerted effort. There may be habits you’ve accrued over the years that are at play, and it takes time to identify these and begin to unravel and replace them with newer, healthier habits.

You can begin working toward addressing anger issues by taking time to reflect on when and why you get angry. Being able to identify patterns and triggers is a helpful step in learning how your own anger works. Anger issues can also be addressed by improving your communication skills, which include listening well to others, being able to express yourself clearly, and setting healthy boundaries in your relationships.

You must nurture your own well-being, and that includes getting enough sleep, eating well, and engaging in regular exercise and activities that calm you and bring you joy. You can make use of creative expression to articulate your feelings, and you can seek professional help in the form of anger management classes and therapy to help you identify and shift negative and unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior.

To learn more about managing anger and to meet with one of the faith-based therapists at our location, call us today.

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“Fire”, Courtesy of Eric Sanman, Pexels.com, CC0 License

Teen Trouble in the Group Chat

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It started as a “harmless” joke. One message, barely a sentence long, was tossed into the group chat like it was no big deal. However, in the world of teenagers, one simple, benign statement can quickly escalate into something much bigger. Tone gets lost, and screenshots get passed around and last forever. And soon, you have teen trouble in the form of a crying or angry teenager on your hands.

The problem with teen trouble and drama (or really every age group) is that it comes out of nowhere. At first, everyone “lol’d” or whatever form of cyber chuckling is popular this week. There were a few laugh-cry emojis too, which are basically the same thing. Then came the snarky replies, a few hurtful memes, and someone added a GIF of a dramatic eyeroll. That’s when things shifted.

Suddenly, the vibe went from lighthearted to tense. What began as a joke became fuel for a blaze of emotions. Teens often don’t realize just how quickly group chats can spiral, especially when there’s no adult in sight, no tone of voice to clarify the intent, and no one brave enough to stand up and say, “Hey, this isn’t cool!”

Maybe the sling of criticism from their peers is deliberate and malicious. Perhaps the attackers are bold because they hide behind a screen in the safety of their own private space.

And here’s where teen trouble takes root: in the quiet confidence and anonymity where bullies thrive, in the silence of the bystanders, and in the groupthink that pushes things just a bit too far. Real feelings are bruised by digital words.

Group chats are a tool of the enemy?

Group chats can be great. They’re a lifeline for social connection, humorous reels, and even emotional support. But without boundaries, they can also become the breeding ground for passive aggression, bullying, and emotional isolation. What feels like innocent “texting” to one person may feel like public humiliation to another. And that bully who isn’t all that brave? Well, they suddenly have a platform.

The truth is, teens are still figuring out how to handle conflict, how to detect nuance, and how to speak up when something feels off. They are trying to learn how to control their impulses and reel in their reactionary behaviors and need for acceptance. In the group chat platform, that learning curve can be downright brutal; mistakes get magnified, screenshots get shared, and feelings get hurt in places that don’t always heal quickly.

Teen trouble: What can be done?

Start by talking about it seriously, not just lecturing or panicking when drama surfaces. Create a space where teens can process what’s happening with the loving support of the adults in their lives. Help teens recognize the red flags – when teasing stops being playful, when sarcasm becomes a weapon, or when someone stops replying entirely. Encourage empathy and remind them that behind every screen is a real person, with a real heart.

What if the damage has already been done?

If your child has been the victim of cyberbullying or even the unfortunate subject of a “tease” gone too far, there is hope. Faith in God is a powerful anchor. Remind teens, and yourself, that even when they feel misunderstood, less-than, and overwhelmed, God sees them. He knows their hurt and hears their cries, and He promises to be near the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).

Encourage your teen to pray, journal, and read their Bible to help anchor themselves in the one who will never betray them or send a snarky meme. And hug them tight, reminding them that they are loved.

Therapy can also make a massive difference. Words spoken into their hearts can have a big effect. Many of those words from peers can be damaging, but a professional therapist can help to uproot those seeds of pain and help your child learn to deal with the scars left by hurtful words, and they can plant healthy, positive words into their hearts.

Educate teens to prevent cyberbullying

While it might seem like “just words on a screen” to a teenager trying to find acceptance in their group of peers, those words can cut deep. Remind your teens that their worth is not found in group chats, reactions, or even in the silent pauses of “ghosting,” but in something much greater and unshakable.

Teach them to ask themselves some important questions before they hit the send button. “Would I say this to their face?” “Is this kind?” and “Could this be misunderstood?” are all questions that might induce pause and realization and might protect the realization and the hurting teen.

Teen drama isn’t confined to the classroom or the Friday night game anymore. Sometimes it’s happening right there in their pocket, in real time. And the arguments and barbs that are sending your child into a reeling spiral of self-loathing and anger may be silent to your ear, but echo loudly in their hearts.

If your teen has been a victim of cyberbullying, help them find healing. Connect them with a professional Christian counselor in Huntington Beach, California who can help them handle the complexities of being a teen in the digital age. Contact us today at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to learn more.

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The Goodness of Getting Old

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When it comes to aging, people often view it as a negative part of life. This is not necessarily true. There are good things about getting old that we can all look forward to. Even though our physical bodies may not be as young and vigorous as they once were, we can still have an active and productive life even as we get older.

…even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save. – Isaiah 46:4, ESV

Staying healthy sets the foundation

While it’s true our bodies change as they get older, we don’t have to let that interfere with our outlook as we age. As we age, we can expect to see differences in our physical bodies. The heart muscles change, we develop wrinkles, our hair turns gray, and we can also see effects on our joints and energy levels. Even though these things are an important part of our overall health, we can still enjoy life as older adults while taking care of our aging bodies.

Taking care of our bodies can be as simple as physical activity, eating a healthy diet, managing stress, and maintaining regular checkups with our physicians. Each of these things can affect every part of our bodies. It can increase our heart health as well as our bone and muscle health.

Activity, diet, stress management, and consistent healthcare can contribute to a healthy digestive system and weight loss, as well as oral health. Cognitive health can even be affected by proper physical activity, as a healthy diet and being mentally active promote cognitive well-being.

Let the good times begin

With an increase in overall health, it becomes easier to enjoy the golden years. These are the years without having to be responsible for children daily. It’s what is known as the empty nest years. A time when adults can enjoy life and all that they have cultivated through maintaining a career and building a home.

Happiness Without Stress

Since there’s no longer stress from work, it appears that it is much easier to be happy, and people are less inclined to get angry. This could also be because, as we grow older, we learn to control emotions and choose what we react to and how we react to it.

Wisdom comes with age

Regardless of how many educational degrees a person has or doesn’t have, wisdom comes from experience. As we grow older, we learn to take note of the experiences in our lifetime, and that adds to the wisdom we can share later. Having this wisdom can lead to helping others go through those experiences.

Volunteering Because of Interests

When we’re raising kids, we tend to volunteer at events they participate in. However, as we grow older, we can find time to volunteer and participate in the things that we are passionate about. We can consider new opportunities or reconnect with something we used to enjoy.

Being Part of the Cool Kids

As adults age and retire, they have time to spend with friends or other family members. This allows them to connect with people who have the same interests and even join groups that meet weekly for specified activities. This could be reading clubs, chess clubs, dancing groups, or any other group activity.

Time With Grandchildren

Grandkids are an amazing part of life. They bring up fulfillment that is only known once a person has raised their children. Grandchildren are an extension of the grandparent. When a grandparent is present in the life of a grandchild, it offers multiple benefits. It enhances the life of the grandparent, but it also enhances the life of the grandchild.

Pursuing Dreams

For too long, society has deemed that pursuing a dream ends when you retire. However, retirement is a wonderful time to pursue the dreams and passions that we had while we created a life for our families. These dreams can be as simple as learning a new language, writing a novel, or taking a trip. It’s never too late to pursue a dream, regardless of age.

Income and Discounts

Once an adult retires, their income becomes guaranteed. A person in retirement knows what their income is each month and how much they need for living expenses. Because most older adults have already paid off mortgages and vehicles, this leaves more for enjoying life. Along with income, older adults enjoy the perks of senior discounts. This helps with a budget on a fixed and limited income, as well as provides discounted prices for certain activities.

Getting Old With Grace

Getting old doesn’t mean the person will not continue to have a meaningful lifestyle. Retiring means that they have reached a milestone. The kids have been raised. The jobs have been done. The homes have been taken care of. These are accomplishments that an older adult can have a sense of pride about. This in itself can cultivate a positive outlook on the lifestyle they are now living.

Getting old doesn’t have to interfere with an active lifestyle. A person simply needs to choose to cultivate healthy living and positive choices to create a good life in their old age.

Contact us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to find faith-based support for the aging process.

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“Couple”, Courtesy of A.C., Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Body Image Issues in the Perimenopausal Woman

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Perimenopause is the stage before menopause when the body begins the process. Hormones fluctuate wildly and then slowly start to decrease. Perimenopause can last months or years, depending on the woman. Unfortunately, these changes can bring about physical and mental distress in many women. Body image issues can creep up even in women who never had a problem, leading to anxiety, depression, lower self-esteem, and less confidence.

Body Image Issues That May Affect You

A positive body image creates a sense of confidence and empowerment. Accepting your body for where it is and what it does for you makes you walk a little straighter and grab new opportunities. Other people notice your confidence, no matter your age.

However, when body image issues become the focus, you can lose your self-esteem. Perimenopause and menopause are two stages in a woman’s life where these issues can lead to problems affecting how you view yourself, how you manage your relationships, and what opportunities you feel confident to accept.

The following are several physical and mental body image issues that may affect you.

Redness and Splotchiness on Face

Dry skin, redness, and splotchiness on the face are common skin issues that perimenopausal women struggle with in their 40s and 50s. Some women may experience breakouts due to the hormonal shifts. This period in a woman’s life may be reminiscent of adolescence with fluctuating hormone levels.

Dark Circles Under Eyes

Lower estrogen levels cause skin thinning, which is more pronounced in the area under the eyes, where the blood vessels are more noticeable. This causes dark circles under the eyes. This issue is worsened if the woman also has bouts of insomnia or sleep deprivation.

Weight Gain

As estrogen and progesterone levels shift downward, the stress hormone cortisol increases. Cortisol increase and a slower metabolism can lead to more fat storage and changes in fat distribution. Muscle mass also decreases without proper resistance training. Without enough muscle, metabolism lowers dramatically.

Increased Waist Circumference

The stress hormone cortisol is also responsible for abdominal fat, also known as visceral fat. This fat settles in the abdominal and waist area, surrounds the organs, and increases the waist circumference. A larger waist size contributes to an increased risk of heart attack or stroke. The recommended waist measurement for health is less than thirty-five inches; however, this figure depends on other factors.

Bleeding Gums

Although bleeding gums is not a body image issue that is well-known in perimenopausal women, it can be a problem for some. Hormonal changes can cause the gums to swell and become inflamed. This can lead to bleeding, and if left unchecked, the plaque and bacteria can cause damage to the gumline and teeth. This affects a woman’s smile and how she presents herself to the world.

Fine Lines and Wrinkles

Skin loses its elasticity as estrogen and collagen decrease. Women may see noticeable fine lines, wrinkles, sagging, and dull skin. This can affect how they perceive their beauty. Some women become so obsessed with recapturing their youthful looks that they undergo risky and expensive procedures.

Graying Hair

As women age, their body decreases the production of estrogen, melanin, and ferritin. Combined, these lower levels of hormones cause hair thinning, less volume, and less pigment in the hair, leading to gray, white, or silver hair. Since many women consider their hair a beauty trademark, the sudden changes in texture, volume, and color can be disconcerting.

Low Self-Esteem, Lower Self-Confidence, Anxiety, and Depression

As perimenopause continues, the likelihood of developing depression and anxiety rises. Mood swings and irritability are also common during the months or years of perimenopause and menopause. The more changes a woman notices in her body, the more her self-esteem and self-confidence can take a hit. Body image issues are linked to the development of mental health conditions, including disordered eating, in an attempt to “fix” the body.

Christian Counseling for Women in Huntington Beach

Body image issues can become so strong that a woman will do anything to recapture youth. These endeavors can lead to tragic results. For example, a woman with body image issues may develop an eating disorder and body dysmorphia, which, if left untreated, could lead to death.

Has perimenopause led you to develop body image issues or exacerbated your emotions surrounding how you already view your body? Contact our office today at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to schedule an appointment with a Christian counselor in Huntington Beach, California specializing in women’s issues and body image issues. We would love to help you learn to accept your body while developing a healthier lifestyle and positive mental well-being.

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“Cloudy Beach”, Courtesy of Sam Hozan, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

How to Not Give In to Depression After a Breakup

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Feeling sad after a breakup is a normal reaction. You invested time, money, and emotions into a relationship that did not work out. Perhaps the breakup came as a surprise or had been a long time coming. What’s important now is not to give in to depression after a breakup.

Depression After Breakup: How to Protect Yourself from Getting Stuck

A breakup is a loss, and you may experience the five stages of grief as you navigate the first few days and months. You may experience denial or shock, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. To keep from getting stuck in the depression stage after a breakup, protect your mental health and well-being.

The following are several tips for protecting yourself from depression after a breakup.

Confide in a trusted friend

You need the support of a trusted friend or family member right now. Someone you can confide in and who will hold your hand while you process your emotions. Listen to them if they want to share their experience with depression after a breakup or offer advice.

Find a support group

The knee-jerk reaction after a breakup is to seclude away. But what you need now is support. Depression and grief support groups are excellent for providing participants with first-hand experience and tips for moving past heartache. You can find local and virtual groups online or check with your community center or local public library.

Consider counseling

Counseling can teach you the strategies and skills to process the breakup, accept your new reality, and make plans for the future. Counseling can help if you need to heal from trauma, abuse, neglect, abandonment, or feelings of low self-worth. The methods shared equip you with lifelong techniques to get over any obstacle.

Distance yourself from your ex

The old saying, “Out of sight, out of mind,” comes in handy after a breakup. You need at least a few weeks of distance from your ex as you process and heal. Don’t follow them on social media or in real life. If you must see them, try to keep your distance and only talk when necessary, such as when coparenting.

Dive into creative pursuits

Dive back into the activities that make you happy. Pursue creative outlets that allow you to express your feelings. For example, painting, sculpting, writing songs or short stories, crocheting, and playing a musical instrument are all ways you can express yourself. Make time for creative pursuits and hobbies to boost your mood and overall well-being.

Acknowledge your feelings, but don’t stay there

It’s important to acknowledge your feelings, but don’t stay there. You need to feel those emotions to work through them, but remaining stuck will not help you move forward. Consider journaling your thoughts and emotions. Journaling permits you to record your most vulnerable thoughts and distance yourself from them, promoting healing.

Exercise to feel better

People exercise to feel better about themselves externally and internally. Heart-pumping exercise triggers the release of endorphins and other brain chemicals, such as serotonin and dopamine. This release leaves you feeling happier and confident. Exercise also lowers cortisol, the stress hormone, and regulates mood.

Christian Counseling in Huntington Beach, CA

Talk therapy and other psychological methods are effective for managing depression after a breakup. Schedule a session with a Christian counselor in Huntington Beach, California to receive an assessment and discuss the skills and strategies you need to move forward. Contact us today at Huntington Beach, California, to learn more.

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“Wildflowers”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Setting Personal Boundaries in Marriage: Examples and Techniques

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There is likely no more intimate human relationship than the one between a husband and wife. Our proximity to our spouse is like having a personal vanity mirror always bouncing our identities, faults, and traits back at us. It’s the sort of relationship where two people come together to share the entirety of their lives.

This marriage relationship is characterized by deep vulnerability, emotional and physical intimacy, exclusivity, and the ongoing commitment to do life together in ways that other relationships simply can’t hold a candle to. don’t. If you pause and think about it, there are things about marriage that simply cannot apply to other relationships, and it feels weird to try and do so.

You don’t commit to live with your friend for the rest of your lives, nor do you have the same obligations when it comes to your workplace and work relationships. There is something decidedly unique about the marital relationship. This makes it somewhat strange to talk about boundaries in marriage.

If we think about boundaries like boundary markers of what keeps things out or in, appropriate or inappropriate, understandably, talking about drawing such lines may feel counterproductive to connection.

Personal Boundaries in a Committed Relationship?

One of the ways marriage is described in Scripture is that “a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, NIV). There is a unison that occurs in marriage, and it doesn’t refer only to physical union through sexual intimacy, but the union of various aspects of their lives, such as where they live, their goals and plans, their finances, and so on.

Not one taking over the other, not one spouse consuming the other, or the relationship replacing the individuals’ identities, but two unique individuals embracing unity and making another whole thing, greater than the sum of its parts. 1+1=3 is the Kingdom math of relationships. Talking like this sets up the inevitable question about how the boundaries within a marriage can be if the two become one flesh.

The interesting thing about becoming one flesh is that whatever it means, it doesn’t mean you lose your individual existence. After all, if that were the case, there would be no need for Scripture to keep talking about the different and distinct roles and responsibilities of husbands and wives. Being one flesh doesn’t mean you stop being who you are as an individual.

A couple may be married, but it’s possible to have a situation in which one of them trusts in Jesus and the other does not (1 Corinthians 7:12-16). Marriage doesn’t take away the fact that you are who you are, or the fact that you have particular likes, dislikes, things you’re interested in, sensibilities, and your own sense of humor.

What marriage does is create space for two people to live together and love each other well. Loving each other well doesn’t mean becoming one another; it means considering everything that your spouse is and loving them as they are, even as you yearn for them to become who the Lord intended them to be. You love your spouse well by honoring who they are and acting in ways that speak love to who they are.

This reflects the relationship the three members of the Godhead have with each other and desire with us. To bring the glory and beauty out of each other by witnessing each other, elevating each other, and enjoying each other. Every relationship, if it is to be a healthy one, requires boundaries. These boundaries aren’t physical, per se, but they are lines that demarcate where one person ends, and the other person begins.

Each person has their limits, their own personality, things that they enjoy or don’t, and ways of being that are irreducibly them. Boundary lines like fencing on property overlooking a cliff, as C.S. Lewis might illustrate, are there for a reason, to keep fun safe and to prevent venturing into peril.

Personal boundaries can then become ways that individuals indicate their individuality, and as beings made in God’s image, their individuality is something the Lord purposely brought into being, even if it needs refinement to become more Christ-like. The Lord knit you in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13), and personal boundaries help you to protect who He made you to be. It’s a sad thing to be compelled to become someone else.

Examples of Personal Boundaries in Marriage

To understand personal boundaries and the place they may have in a marriage, it may be helpful to give a few examples of some boundaries. The point behind boundaries is that they help the individual define their identity, and they also help to establish limits and clear expectations in the relationship. They can also help to prevent emotional burnout, resentment, or unnecessary anger in the relationship.

Personal boundaries help to define who you are, what you’re comfortable with, and what your needs and expectations are of others. These boundaries can be about your emotions, your body, your time, money, work, how you handle digital space, and so much more.

Some examples of healthy personal boundaries in a marriage include respectful communication, such as no raised voices or name-calling; respecting each other’s opinions; not resorting to guilt-tripping or manipulation; and giving each other space to process things when needed. These standards help create a sense of emotional safety and respect in the relationship.

Time is an important aspect of our lives. Spouses might want alone time to pursue their hobbies, and also time for shared activities. To promote a healthy work-life balance, a couple may need to establish boundaries between work and life, for instance, by not checking work emails after 5 pm.

The couple can also set limits on social engagements and time spent with in-laws over the holidays. Another set of boundaries has to do with our bodies and could include personal space and delineating times and places where you don’t want to be touched.

When it comes to sexual intimacy, desires, limitations, and preferences can also be communicated, so no one feels pushed to do things they’re not comfortable with. There may also be boundaries regarding public displays of affection or private moments like dressing or using the bathroom.

Finances are often a source of conflict in relationships, and clear boundaries may be helpful. Boundaries may be set to determine shared budgeting or spending decisions; issues like debt need to be disclosed, discussed openly, and managed jointly; there may be boundaries like not lending money to loved ones; there may be limits on personal spending or maintaining individual financial autonomy.

Lastly, a couple may set boundaries about their digital lives. This includes whether they have access to each other’s devices or social media accounts; whether they can use phones during their shared time; setting limits on online interactions, for instance, not connecting with or following exes; respecting each other’s wishes about the kinds of things posted online about the family; and limiting screen time before or in bed.

Each couple will have boundaries that are unique to them as a couple and to each individual in the relationship. One of the key elements of having boundaries is that these need to be communicated openly with one’s spouse to establish boundaries that work for both spouses.

How to Set and Communicate Boundaries

When you set healthy boundaries, it works to strengthen your relationship by promoting mutual respect, trust, and understanding. It helps you to know how to love each other well because you know what your spouse wants, what’s important to them, and what will help make them feel seen and heard. The question then is: how do you effectively set and communicate boundaries?

It isn’t always possible to set boundaries before marriage. You might not even be fully aware that you have boundaries, or you haven’t communicated them as such. That’s okay. Some steps for setting and communicating your boundaries include the following: Self-reflect. Before you set or communicate your boundaries, take the time to reflect on your limits and needs.

What are some things that you consider non-negotiables, like your personal space or sense of emotional safety? Are there some areas where you’re currently feeling overwhelmed or disrespected? This may clue you in on the areas where you potentially need boundaries. Communicate your boundaries.

When you try to share your boundaries, make sure to be specific and clear about what you want. It’s important that you clearly define the boundaries and the expectations you have. For instance, you can say, “I need some focused time in the morning for work. Can I have the morning without interruptions?” Another example of a boundary is “I’m uncomfortable discussing sensitive topics with our friends around. Can we discuss this when we get home and we’re in private?”

When you communicate the boundary, it’s also important to set a consequence if the boundary isn’t respected. For instance, a consequence might be “If you keep interrupting me while I’m working, I’m afraid I’ll need to take a break and check out from the conversation.” You need to communicate your boundaries assertively. That means maintaining eye contact, maintaining a calm but firm tone, and avoiding passive-aggressive or aggressive language.

Show empathy and understanding toward your spouse, listen to their concerns and perspectives, and remain open to compromise. Also, use “I” statements to express yourself without blaming or shaming your spouse. Your boundaries are not a way to control your spouse or to get your own way.

They represent genuine needs and ought to be open to discussion and compromise. Part of living with another person is learning to bear one another’s burdens and creating healthy boundaries. Respecting one another’s boundaries is one way to love each other and bear each other’s burdens well.

Dealing with Violated Boundaries

After you’ve communicated your boundaries, should those boundaries be violated, be sure to address those violations promptly. Show an appreciation for boundaries that have been respected, and communicate any violations in the same way you communicated the boundary. Boundaries can and do shift with time and circumstance. Be flexible, remain open to compromise, and hold the line firmly where necessary.

It may be helpful to seek professional help to set, communicate, or address violated boundaries. Your counselor can help you by creating a safe and conducive environment to have these conversations and develop the necessary skills.

Mulling over not exploring your boundaries and sharing them with your partner is universal and understandable, too. It may feel intuitively more desirable and convenient not to share than to share them because you may think, “It’s the end of the day, my spouse and I are interacting in close quarters, ‘til death do us part. I don’t want to get on their bad side.” But with bad boundary definitions, they often already are on your bad side.

Precisely because you will be with your spouse, conceivably to the end, having those conversations around needs, wants, and preferences will smooth out in time your relational functioning, which will be a great gift to both of you in perpetuity compared to the short-term benefits of conflict avoidance in the near term.

Boundaries are like well-reasoned laws in a frontier town. They help settlers grow side by side and cultivate the land by following agreed-upon principles. They aren’t just the boundaries to not take my stuff or stay away at this time. Growth through limits. Love from restraint. The benefits of respect and care from boundaries. I can say they are boundless.

Photo:
“Seasoned Couple”, Courtesy of Gustavo Fring, Pexels.com, CC0 License