“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” ― Brene Brown

Shame has become a hot topic in psychology and the discussion of mental health and wellness, especially over the last decade. The concept of shame and its meaning often depends on the context.

For instance, the common dictionary defines shame as a “painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety” and lists synonyms such as guilt, regret, and remorse (Merriam-Webster, 2022). But in psychology, shame is distinguished as a more concrete self-perception of being unworthy, defective, broken on a deep level, not simply regret or guilt about a behavior.

Toxic shame is another layer in which shame has impacted your view of yourself to the core of your self-perception (Raypole, 2020). The way we perceive ourselves impacts all our perceptions, relationships, and overall health. Understanding and healing from toxic shame makes a tremendous difference in your life.

Understanding toxic shame

Understanding what sets toxic shame apart from guilt and regret is crucial for holistic health. As stated, often the words shame and guilt are used interchangeably. However, guilt is defined as “a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined” (Burgo, 2013)

Regret is tied to the feeling of sadness about an event or loss. Thus, guilt and regret are centered on events, behaviors, or losses, while shame is tied to a core belief about one’s lack of worthiness and brokenness beyond a single event or behavior.

Furthermore, shame is concentrated on the belief about oneself, while guilt often focuses on others or how your behavior impacted other people in your life. Guilt is often resolved by making amends, apologizing, and accepting consequences, while shame can be ongoing and harder to repair because it isn’t based on a lone thing (Gonzales-Barrios, 2022). It is possible to feel both guilt and shame, but they are different in their origin and focus.

Toxic shame is when shame has become central to one’s self-perception and is foundational in daily life. It is especially corrosive to change, hope, and health because toxic shame is shame without repair or healing. It becomes the way you interpret your worth and how you believe others view you.

Instead of being able to move forward from a mistake or behavior you don’t want to continue, toxic shame often keeps you stuck believing that you are incapable of change, worthless, and focused on how you are wrong or bad, not simply the behavior or action. Toxic shame can strip you of your ability to have self-compassion and to embrace your common humanity – the belief that you belong and that you don’t have to be perfect.

One author relates that shame “opens the door to anger, self-disgust, and other less-than-desirable feelings. It can make you feel small and worthless. It can trickle into your inner dialogue like a poison, locking you into a painful loop of negative self-talk” (Raypole, 2020). Since toxic shame is so central to your self-view, living with it has many implications.

Origins and implications

Living with toxic shame often begins in childhood. Negative words about your worth spoken by adults, such as your parents or caregivers, or others around you shape the way you view yourself, and when this is done over time, they can become the way you see yourself.

For example, if you wet the bed, your parent might have reacted in one of two ways:‌ They reassured you that it was all right and cleaned up without making a fuss. [Or] they lashed out at you and said things like, ‘Why do you always do this? What’s wrong with you?’ The second reaction would probably have led you to believe that there was something wrong with you. The feeling of shame can turn into toxic shame when the second scene keeps repeating. – Brennan, 2021

The words that you hear spoken about you as a child have tremendous power to impact how you develop your self-perception. In the first instance, the behavior is separated from the worthiness of the child; in the second, the behavior is seen as a symptom of their unworthiness and flaws. Toxic shame can also be caused by trauma, abuse, and neglect not just in childhood, but throughout life. The ramifications of living with toxic shame go beyond self-perception.

This condition also impacts physical and mental health. For instance, believing you are unworthy may correlate with self-neglect such as a lack of personal hygiene, lack of a healthy and balanced diet, and insufficient exercise. Inversely, individuals with toxic shame may become hyper-vigilant about their health and wellness, such as excessive exercise, extreme dieting, and perfectionistic to “fix” themselves.

Similarly, some people with toxic shame develop narcissism, which is a grandiose view of themselves often overinflating their importance and ambitions, and controlling others (Cikanavicius, 2018). When toxic shame is the foundation of your self-perception, it has many implications for your wellness.

Believing toxic shame is the truth has many implications for health and relationships. Research has shown that individuals who have toxic shame also struggle with substance abuse, alcoholism, self-harm, anger management issues, and eating disorders, to name a few. In relationships, they may withdraw from others (believing they are unworthy of friendship or intimacy and love) and struggle with perfectionism in the workplace (Brennan, 2021).

In addition, toxic shame can make it difficult to receive constructive feedback at work and in relationships because it is interpreted as another “sign” of unworthiness or imperfection. These behaviors and patterns not only reinforce their negative self-perception because of the guilt and impact on their health and relationships but are often coping mechanisms to avoid feeling their shame.

While it is adaptive to not want to feel shame, these behaviors only mask that pain rather than processing and resolving the core self-believe to one that holds hope and the possibility for change.

Healing from toxic shame

Thankfully, there is hope and many ways to heal from toxic shame. Often, treatment begins by healing from the negative beliefs that are tied to your overall toxic shame. There are many therapeutic avenues for identifying these core beliefs.

One clinically proven treatment process is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

The general overview of the treatment includes, “(1) First, the past events that have laid the groundwork for dysfunction are processed, forging new associative links with adaptive information; (2) the current circumstances that elicit distress are targeted, and internal and external triggers are desensitized. (3) imaginal templates of future events are incorporated, to assist the client in acquiring the skills needed for adaptive functioning” (Insitute, 2022).

Since toxic shame negative beliefs often begin in childhood and with trauma, EMDR is one way to heal from them.

Other ways to begin to heal from toxic shame include practicing mindfulness-paying attention to your self-talk and recognizing when you begin to feel shame. Likewise, incorporating compassionate self-talk through reframing such as: “Acknowledge the thought. ‘That’s one way of seeing things.’ Explore where it comes from. ‘My parents always looked at me like I was a failure when I didn’t meet their expectations.’ Consider evidence for or against it. ‘What about the things I’ve done right?’ Consider other perspectives. ‘I made a mistake, but I can fix it  –  and now I know what not to do next time.’” (Raypole, 2020).

Most importantly, and with a long-lasting impact, is working on toxic shame through a biblical lens. This starts with looking at each thought and overlaying it with trustworthy truths from the Bible. Seeing how these thoughts measure up to God’s Word is the underlying work that chases away the darkness because it cannot stand the light.

More ways to begin healing from toxic shame include professional support – finding a counselor and developing social support with friends and family.

Toxic shame has many origins and impacts on life. It often begins in childhood through the words spoken by adults and experiences such as trauma, abuse, and neglect. Toxic shame is foundational to self-perception, relationships, and quality of life. It is not something you have to live with forever.

When it is time to clear out the clutter, one important need is to understand hoarding and how to help manage the underlying problem of having clutter in the first place. How does one determine what is enough and what is too much? How can we be good stewards of the Lord’s blessings? What does God even have to say about worldly goods and the clutter they can make?

About one in every five people has a storage unit in the U.S. We live in a consumer culture, often accumulating possessions and crowding current living and storage spaces to accommodate more.

We do this automatically, often without thinking about how we may be spending and shopping to feed a bottomless appetite. We are rarely satisfied, and in getting and gathering more, we might need to consider that what we long for is not something we can purchase.

Collecting stuff does not end with physical space. We leave little margin in our time and finances, squeezing the life out of what we have. This inadvertently welcomes anxiety and stress to settle in the cracks, where we feed brokenness and boredom with more.

While hoarding may proliferate in a consumer culture, there are deeper considerations to examine, especially if we are to understand the taxing nature of hoarding and how to help ourselves or our loved ones.

When a person loses a sense of self, following a traumatic experience, hoarding can be an anxious response in which they seek to reclaim identity, security, control, and safety by collecting, storing, and saving. Shopping and squirreling fill the void, offering a euphoric rush, sometimes inertly clinging to the memory of a past that may have seemed more stable or fulfilling.

Addictively, individuals engage in a cycle, fueled by compulsion and temporary gratification. It employs the thrill of the hunt, sometimes spurred on by special deals and coupons, enhancing its addictive appeal to the point of irresistibility.

The “just in case” purchases are garnered to create a high in an attempt to guard against the formidable unknown called “someday.” When addressing hoarding, there is a need to clear out the clutter that goes deeper than the physical overload of stuff.

Understanding and unpacking

Disorganized patterns of thought and behavior characterize hoarding. Those who hoard have experienced fear-based anxiety and a deep sense of lack and loss. The drive to obtain more is visible in amassing physical possessions, but it draws on accumulating things to supplement the invisible feelings of insecurity.

In this manner, hoarding is more than just being a “packrat” and having too much clutter. Compounded with impaired judgment and a bewildering paralysis, it hampers one’s ability to distinguish actual from perceived needs.

When we want to mobilize and activate change, we may find ourselves triggered to revert to the negative behavior again, thereby repeating the cycle of dysfunction. A sense of mental block distorts when we seek to sort what to keep, sell, discard, or donate. We may encounter the following:

• Frustration with the volume of possessions.
• The negative script of foreboding fear.
• Being overwhelmed by the broad and multi-layered scope of a clean-out project.

It can seem impossible to move forward even with the best support, as many hoarding individuals may not be ready to stop. In understanding hoarding and how to help, it is important to understand that hoarding is not in anyone’s control except the hoarders.

Just as in addiction, hoarding requires immense amounts of support, encouragement, and accountability. It also requires a willingness to practice healthy alternatives.

Hoarding’s impact on health

Hoarding often compromises a person’s living spaces, presenting:

• Toxic health risks, through expired and rotting food, in and around preparation surfaces.
• The abundance of clutter that causes stumble or trip hazards.
• A haven for undisposed pet wastes that attach and accumulate alongside household items and acquisitions.
• Attraction for pests, such as insects and rodents, that breed disease.
• Diminished air quality in the home, leveraging the impact on one’s respiratory system and overall health.

With these impacts on the health of the individual who is hoarding and on those involved, hoarding is something to be concerned about.

Possessions versus people

Individuals may hide their hoarding behaviors from family and friends for several reasons. They may have experienced shaming, criticism, or judgment from other family members, including significant others and children. Those who hoard may not even recognize themselves and close themselves off to others because of self-inflicted shame or out of perceived protection of others.

Struggling to break free from the addiction of accruing things demands the support of other individuals in the hoarder’s life, but those relationships can be difficult to maintain. Further isolation increases hoarding. In essence, hoarding behavior draws us away from human connection and pulls possessions closer than the people who love us.

Costs of hoarding

Hoarding cuts off relationships with others, making a literal barrier between people and the one hoarding. This further isolates the person in their addiction and the shame attached to it. It reconfigures family dynamics and superimposes its dysfunction through the following:

• hiding,
• fostering distrust,
• leveraging subsequent shame, and
• widening the gap of isolation.

It breaks covenants, where spouses and children encounter dispute  over what enters the space, how the home is managed, or the amount of finances spent on the items purchased. Hoarding breeds distrust and feelings of betrayal. It operates in secrecy, weakening the integrity of communication in the family. It consumes resources, diverting funds, time, space, and attention intended for family and household necessities to feed the behavior.

Consistent with the nature of the addiction, hoarding behavior aligns more with gratifying their insecurity, temporarily exchanging feelings of instability with the search to attain and accumulate more. To close loved ones, it can appear as if those who hoard attach more value to holding onto things than nurturing the relationships with their relatives. This may be the opposite of what they want to do.

With the shame factor, the loss of social networks and support extends beyond family. Hoarding shuts down opportunities for social connections, further isolating the person in their addiction.

For example, if a person wants to date or develop deeper friendships, they may be too embarrassed to interact with others, knowing that they occupy a living space that may not be conducive to hosting friends. It has been known to lead to lopsided relationships where friends feel disconnected.

Hoarding and how to help

Insecurity in our identity tells a story, revealing our soul hunger and thirst for idols that can never satisfy. Whether you are the person who may be hoarding or if you love the person who is hoarding, there is hope. Where there is hope, help is also present.

There may be underlying trauma associated with hoarding, hinting at a deeper issue that needs to be addressed. Working with a counselor can help an individual explore and identify what shifted, when, and where.

Counseling helps us to discover patterns of unhealthy behaviors while removing the layers that have compounded under negative mindsets, debilitating emotions, and insufficient support. Treatment fosters the opportunity and environment to rebuild identity and connection.

It’s important for those who hoard to regain and reset their identity. They need to begin being known as more than just a hoarder and to be known in the way that God truly sees them as one who is loved by Him, regardless. Additionally, connecting with a meaningful part of their past, such as rediscovering gifts and natural abilities, can be an important pivot in helping them move forward into their future.

While many specialized commercial services are available in the community that can help an individual organize and clear their physical space, perhaps, the most important step is to clear the shame and accusation blocking one’s mental and emotional territory.

When we shame ourselves or others, we further imprison ourselves in the behavior and the mindset that we want to overhaul. Shame and scorn give a place for destructive talk to speak louder than what God says about His beloved sons and daughters.

Hence, the lack of love, empathy, and compassion causes us to pad our identities with things that don’t give life. In working with hoarders, whether us or a loved one, we must lead from a place of love and compassion, having first received it from God so that we can share it.

Showing self-love and compassion is different from endorsing the behavior, but it can be transformative with the process of healing, growth, and change. God himself is patient, and He draws us closer with love, not scorn and shame. His compassion is the “it” factor that changes people’s hearts, driving out the tormenting fear, at the root of hoarding.

Next steps

Be patient with yourself and kind to those that you love. It doesn’t mean codependently endorsing maladaptive behaviors, but rather, embodying a compassionate commitment to offer what you can, as graced by God.

As you walk through a process to reset identity, heal issues, displace heart idols, and initiate a new path forward, you will establish new places of healing and coping. You will formulate new patterns as you walk through your life to make space for the new.

Reach out to our office today. The counselors at our office are equipped to help you navigate your path. There are open spaces that God has for you to explore and experience, not only in your home but also in your heart, the most sacred space that houses your life and relationships.