Signs of Anger Issues to Be Wary of

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Anger is one of those emotions that seems big, bold, brash, and hard to hide. That’s because in a lot of instances, when people feel and express their anger, that’s the form it takes. There are endless stories about anger gone wrong, whether at a family gathering like a wedding, Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or dustups between perfect strangers at a local buffet, restaurant, gas station, or parking lot. The internet sometimes seems to run on anger.

With anger so prominent in everyday situations, you’d think we’d be better at identifying it in ourselves and dealing effectively with it. There are sometimes subtle signs of anger that we either don’t take to be anger or that we ignore for various reasons. Detecting anger issues in your life can help to save your relationships and promote your well-being.

Where Anger Issues Come from

What exactly are anger issues? Being angry and expressing that anger doesn’t necessarily mean that you have anger issues. When a person has anger issues, it means that they struggle to control their anger, and that loss of control often has negative consequences in their life, some of them small, but some of them big. Anger has a dominating presence in that person’s life.

If you don’t work on any anger issues you may have, that can affect all areas of your life, including your work, your relationships, and your health. While anger issues are quite destructive, they can also feel like a normal part of one’s life, especially when they are part of longstanding patterns.

Some of the work of undoing anger issues is rooted in understanding where anger issues come from. This differs from person to person, as anger issues can stem from a combination of biological, psychological, and environmental factors, as these interact with the individual’s personality and temperament.

Anger issues may have a biological component. Some inherited traits and one’s temperament may contribute to anger issues. Experiencing changes or fluctuations in your hormone levels, such as your testosterone or cortisol levels, can influence your anger. Lastly, having imbalances in your brain chemistry can also affect whether and how you regulate your mood well.

Psychological factors such as mental health conditions, experiences of childhood trauma, and stress or frustration can all contribute to feelings of anger. Health conditions such as anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder can all have increased levels of anger and irritability as symptoms.

In terms of environmental factors that might play a role in anger, your family dynamics and upbringing can shape your behavior, including how you understand and relate to your anger. If you’re exposed to violence and anger, or the cultural and social norms you’re immersed in navigate anger in unhelpful ways, it can also contribute to anger issues. Anger may also become a problem if you find yourself in difficult life circumstances that trigger anger.

Apart from these main factors, other things that can trigger anger issues include struggling with medical issues like chronic pain or thyroid disorders, substance abuse, or sleep deprivation. These and other factors may lie under a problem with anger.

How Anger Can Upend Your Life

When you get angry, there is no telling where it’ll take you if you let it. Some things are good servants and poor masters, and anger is one of those things. Anger can upend your life in significant ways.

Along with this goes the idea, “Be angry and do not sin.” As a person who has come under the leadership of Christ and the support of the Spirit, anger is not essentially bad but can become so when not controlled and given the reins to steer your choices. Anger, in controlled usage, can draw attention to wrongdoing and urge the wrongdoers to change their ways (i.e., a picked-on person saying “you need to stop spitting spit wads at me because that is not okay”).

Anger in uncontrolled, sinful form can seek to attack, humiliate, or damage the wrongdoers and end situations altogether (i.e., a picked-on kid (or bully) punching or damaging or humiliating the other person).

Some of the ways unbridled anger can be disruptive in your life include:

Damaging relationships When you don’t manage your anger well, it can lead to frequent and deep conflict with the people in your life. Angry outbursts can strain relationships with others, and you may say things in anger that you later regret. If you’re an angry person, people may walk on eggshells around you or avoid you altogether, leading to social isolation.

Affecting your work life Anger can result in conflict with clients, coworkers, or supervisors, which may result in job loss. If it doesn’t get that far, anger can still impair your judgment by impairing your decision-making and problem-solving skills, impacting job performance. Unmanaged anger may also lead to accidents, injuries, and reckless behavior on the job, which endangers you and other people.

Impact on physical health When you’re angry, it’s a whole-body experience. Anger activates your fight-or-flight response, putting your body on high alert for threats. If you are angry a lot and if the anger is intense, that taxes your body. Chronic anger can increase the risk of cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, a weakened immune system, and stomach issues like ulcers, irritable bowel syndrome, and acid reflux.

Impact on mental health Just as anger affects your body, it also affects your mind. If your anger isn’t under control, it can contribute to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and feelings of guilt and shame. To cope with anger and its effects on one’s life, some people turn to substance abuse, which worsens the situation.

Legal and other consequences Anger can lead to bad decision-making, like assaulting other people or damaging property. This can result in legal action being taken against you, as well as being arrested and possibly convicted. Anger can also lead to financial problems, especially when the anger escalates and results in losing work or facing lawsuits for damage caused to people and property out of anger.

Uncontrolled anger can take a difficult situation and make it worse. This makes it all the more important to address anger issues to deal with life problems without worsening them or creating new ones.

Signs of Anger Issues

Can you tell when you’re getting angry? It’s possible to know yourself well enough to clock when you’re starting to get angry. For some, they feel their face flush or their ears start to burn. Perhaps your heart rate increases, and you get a sense of tunnel vision. Maybe you start talking quite fast and gesturing a lot. Or maybe you go quiet, and you clench your jaws and fists. Each of us has our unique reactions when we start to get angry.

Anger issues can manifest in different ways, and sometimes it’s possible to not even realize that one has a problem with anger. Here are some signs of anger issues to be wary of:

Irritability and mood swings One sign of anger issues is if you easily get annoyed or frustrated, even over small or inconsequential things, and you experience sudden shifts in your mood. If you are irritable or your mood shifts are deep and hard to get out of, that too could point to anger issues.

Sarcasm and passive-aggressive behavior Sometimes, people will express their anger in quieter, more indirect, and less confrontational ways. This includes using sarcasm, backhanded compliments, sulking, rolling your eyes, procrastinating, or other indirect expressions of anger.

Feeling tightness or tension in the body This occurs because you may be frequently clenching your jaws, fists, or tensing your shoulders, indicating pent-up anger or frustration.

Avoiding conflict or difficult conversations Another subtle sign that could point to anger issues is dodging hard discussions or situations that might lead to conflict, instead of addressing issues head-on. If you don’t want to have such discussions because you’re worried about your reaction, especially how you’ll react if you get angry, that could point to anger issues.

Procrastination or passive resistance Another sign of anger issues is when you put off tasks or responsibilities, or you do them begrudgingly to express your anger or frustration with a person or your circumstances.

Overreacting or being overly critical Instead of reacting in a measured way, responding in an excessive or over-the-top way to minor setbacks or mistakes could lead to anger issues. Additionally, if you’re overly critical of yourself or others, that could also be the result of anger issues.

Difficulty relaxing or calming down If, when you get angry, you struggle to unwind or relax, or to calm yourself down even in peaceful environments, that could indicate anger issues.

Substance abuse or addiction Using substances to cope with or numb feelings of anger or the consequences of actions taken in anger may point to anger issues.

Physical complaints Experiencing somatic symptoms such as frequent headaches, stomach issues, high blood pressure, or other physical complaints may be the result of stress and anger issues.

Difficulty apologizing or forgiving If you struggle to admit mistakes you’ve made, to apologize, or to forgive yourself or others, it may be the result of unresolved anger or resentment.

People experience anger differently, and these signs may well point to anger issues, but they may also be rooted in another cause. If you’re concerned about your own anger or that of someone you know, you must consider seeking help from a mental health professional to help you identify and address any anger issues.

Addressing Anger Issues in Your Life

Dealing with anger issues is a process that takes time and concerted effort. There may be habits you’ve accrued over the years that are at play, and it takes time to identify these and begin to unravel and replace them with newer, healthier habits.

You can begin working toward addressing anger issues by taking time to reflect on when and why you get angry. Being able to identify patterns and triggers is a helpful step in learning how your own anger works. Anger issues can also be addressed by improving your communication skills, which include listening well to others, being able to express yourself clearly, and setting healthy boundaries in your relationships.

You must nurture your own well-being, and that includes getting enough sleep, eating well, and engaging in regular exercise and activities that calm you and bring you joy. You can make use of creative expression to articulate your feelings, and you can seek professional help in the form of anger management classes and therapy to help you identify and shift negative and unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior.

To learn more about managing anger and to meet with one of the faith-based therapists at our location, call us today.

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“Fire”, Courtesy of Eric Sanman, Pexels.com, CC0 License

Teen Trouble in the Group Chat

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It started as a “harmless” joke. One message, barely a sentence long, was tossed into the group chat like it was no big deal. However, in the world of teenagers, one simple, benign statement can quickly escalate into something much bigger. Tone gets lost, and screenshots get passed around and last forever. And soon, you have teen trouble in the form of a crying or angry teenager on your hands.

The problem with teen trouble and drama (or really every age group) is that it comes out of nowhere. At first, everyone “lol’d” or whatever form of cyber chuckling is popular this week. There were a few laugh-cry emojis too, which are basically the same thing. Then came the snarky replies, a few hurtful memes, and someone added a GIF of a dramatic eyeroll. That’s when things shifted.

Suddenly, the vibe went from lighthearted to tense. What began as a joke became fuel for a blaze of emotions. Teens often don’t realize just how quickly group chats can spiral, especially when there’s no adult in sight, no tone of voice to clarify the intent, and no one brave enough to stand up and say, “Hey, this isn’t cool!”

Maybe the sling of criticism from their peers is deliberate and malicious. Perhaps the attackers are bold because they hide behind a screen in the safety of their own private space.

And here’s where teen trouble takes root: in the quiet confidence and anonymity where bullies thrive, in the silence of the bystanders, and in the groupthink that pushes things just a bit too far. Real feelings are bruised by digital words.

Group chats are a tool of the enemy?

Group chats can be great. They’re a lifeline for social connection, humorous reels, and even emotional support. But without boundaries, they can also become the breeding ground for passive aggression, bullying, and emotional isolation. What feels like innocent “texting” to one person may feel like public humiliation to another. And that bully who isn’t all that brave? Well, they suddenly have a platform.

The truth is, teens are still figuring out how to handle conflict, how to detect nuance, and how to speak up when something feels off. They are trying to learn how to control their impulses and reel in their reactionary behaviors and need for acceptance. In the group chat platform, that learning curve can be downright brutal; mistakes get magnified, screenshots get shared, and feelings get hurt in places that don’t always heal quickly.

Teen trouble: What can be done?

Start by talking about it seriously, not just lecturing or panicking when drama surfaces. Create a space where teens can process what’s happening with the loving support of the adults in their lives. Help teens recognize the red flags – when teasing stops being playful, when sarcasm becomes a weapon, or when someone stops replying entirely. Encourage empathy and remind them that behind every screen is a real person, with a real heart.

What if the damage has already been done?

If your child has been the victim of cyberbullying or even the unfortunate subject of a “tease” gone too far, there is hope. Faith in God is a powerful anchor. Remind teens, and yourself, that even when they feel misunderstood, less-than, and overwhelmed, God sees them. He knows their hurt and hears their cries, and He promises to be near the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).

Encourage your teen to pray, journal, and read their Bible to help anchor themselves in the one who will never betray them or send a snarky meme. And hug them tight, reminding them that they are loved.

Therapy can also make a massive difference. Words spoken into their hearts can have a big effect. Many of those words from peers can be damaging, but a professional therapist can help to uproot those seeds of pain and help your child learn to deal with the scars left by hurtful words, and they can plant healthy, positive words into their hearts.

Educate teens to prevent cyberbullying

While it might seem like “just words on a screen” to a teenager trying to find acceptance in their group of peers, those words can cut deep. Remind your teens that their worth is not found in group chats, reactions, or even in the silent pauses of “ghosting,” but in something much greater and unshakable.

Teach them to ask themselves some important questions before they hit the send button. “Would I say this to their face?” “Is this kind?” and “Could this be misunderstood?” are all questions that might induce pause and realization and might protect the realization and the hurting teen.

Teen drama isn’t confined to the classroom or the Friday night game anymore. Sometimes it’s happening right there in their pocket, in real time. And the arguments and barbs that are sending your child into a reeling spiral of self-loathing and anger may be silent to your ear, but echo loudly in their hearts.

If your teen has been a victim of cyberbullying, help them find healing. Connect them with a professional Christian counselor in Huntington Beach, California who can help them handle the complexities of being a teen in the digital age. Contact us today at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to learn more.

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The Goodness of Getting Old

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When it comes to aging, people often view it as a negative part of life. This is not necessarily true. There are good things about getting old that we can all look forward to. Even though our physical bodies may not be as young and vigorous as they once were, we can still have an active and productive life even as we get older.

…even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save. – Isaiah 46:4, ESV

Staying healthy sets the foundation

While it’s true our bodies change as they get older, we don’t have to let that interfere with our outlook as we age. As we age, we can expect to see differences in our physical bodies. The heart muscles change, we develop wrinkles, our hair turns gray, and we can also see effects on our joints and energy levels. Even though these things are an important part of our overall health, we can still enjoy life as older adults while taking care of our aging bodies.

Taking care of our bodies can be as simple as physical activity, eating a healthy diet, managing stress, and maintaining regular checkups with our physicians. Each of these things can affect every part of our bodies. It can increase our heart health as well as our bone and muscle health.

Activity, diet, stress management, and consistent healthcare can contribute to a healthy digestive system and weight loss, as well as oral health. Cognitive health can even be affected by proper physical activity, as a healthy diet and being mentally active promote cognitive well-being.

Let the good times begin

With an increase in overall health, it becomes easier to enjoy the golden years. These are the years without having to be responsible for children daily. It’s what is known as the empty nest years. A time when adults can enjoy life and all that they have cultivated through maintaining a career and building a home.

Happiness Without Stress

Since there’s no longer stress from work, it appears that it is much easier to be happy, and people are less inclined to get angry. This could also be because, as we grow older, we learn to control emotions and choose what we react to and how we react to it.

Wisdom comes with age

Regardless of how many educational degrees a person has or doesn’t have, wisdom comes from experience. As we grow older, we learn to take note of the experiences in our lifetime, and that adds to the wisdom we can share later. Having this wisdom can lead to helping others go through those experiences.

Volunteering Because of Interests

When we’re raising kids, we tend to volunteer at events they participate in. However, as we grow older, we can find time to volunteer and participate in the things that we are passionate about. We can consider new opportunities or reconnect with something we used to enjoy.

Being Part of the Cool Kids

As adults age and retire, they have time to spend with friends or other family members. This allows them to connect with people who have the same interests and even join groups that meet weekly for specified activities. This could be reading clubs, chess clubs, dancing groups, or any other group activity.

Time With Grandchildren

Grandkids are an amazing part of life. They bring up fulfillment that is only known once a person has raised their children. Grandchildren are an extension of the grandparent. When a grandparent is present in the life of a grandchild, it offers multiple benefits. It enhances the life of the grandparent, but it also enhances the life of the grandchild.

Pursuing Dreams

For too long, society has deemed that pursuing a dream ends when you retire. However, retirement is a wonderful time to pursue the dreams and passions that we had while we created a life for our families. These dreams can be as simple as learning a new language, writing a novel, or taking a trip. It’s never too late to pursue a dream, regardless of age.

Income and Discounts

Once an adult retires, their income becomes guaranteed. A person in retirement knows what their income is each month and how much they need for living expenses. Because most older adults have already paid off mortgages and vehicles, this leaves more for enjoying life. Along with income, older adults enjoy the perks of senior discounts. This helps with a budget on a fixed and limited income, as well as provides discounted prices for certain activities.

Getting Old With Grace

Getting old doesn’t mean the person will not continue to have a meaningful lifestyle. Retiring means that they have reached a milestone. The kids have been raised. The jobs have been done. The homes have been taken care of. These are accomplishments that an older adult can have a sense of pride about. This in itself can cultivate a positive outlook on the lifestyle they are now living.

Getting old doesn’t have to interfere with an active lifestyle. A person simply needs to choose to cultivate healthy living and positive choices to create a good life in their old age.

Contact us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to find faith-based support for the aging process.

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Body Image Issues in the Perimenopausal Woman

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Perimenopause is the stage before menopause when the body begins the process. Hormones fluctuate wildly and then slowly start to decrease. Perimenopause can last months or years, depending on the woman. Unfortunately, these changes can bring about physical and mental distress in many women. Body image issues can creep up even in women who never had a problem, leading to anxiety, depression, lower self-esteem, and less confidence.

Body Image Issues That May Affect You

A positive body image creates a sense of confidence and empowerment. Accepting your body for where it is and what it does for you makes you walk a little straighter and grab new opportunities. Other people notice your confidence, no matter your age.

However, when body image issues become the focus, you can lose your self-esteem. Perimenopause and menopause are two stages in a woman’s life where these issues can lead to problems affecting how you view yourself, how you manage your relationships, and what opportunities you feel confident to accept.

The following are several physical and mental body image issues that may affect you.

Redness and Splotchiness on Face

Dry skin, redness, and splotchiness on the face are common skin issues that perimenopausal women struggle with in their 40s and 50s. Some women may experience breakouts due to the hormonal shifts. This period in a woman’s life may be reminiscent of adolescence with fluctuating hormone levels.

Dark Circles Under Eyes

Lower estrogen levels cause skin thinning, which is more pronounced in the area under the eyes, where the blood vessels are more noticeable. This causes dark circles under the eyes. This issue is worsened if the woman also has bouts of insomnia or sleep deprivation.

Weight Gain

As estrogen and progesterone levels shift downward, the stress hormone cortisol increases. Cortisol increase and a slower metabolism can lead to more fat storage and changes in fat distribution. Muscle mass also decreases without proper resistance training. Without enough muscle, metabolism lowers dramatically.

Increased Waist Circumference

The stress hormone cortisol is also responsible for abdominal fat, also known as visceral fat. This fat settles in the abdominal and waist area, surrounds the organs, and increases the waist circumference. A larger waist size contributes to an increased risk of heart attack or stroke. The recommended waist measurement for health is less than thirty-five inches; however, this figure depends on other factors.

Bleeding Gums

Although bleeding gums is not a body image issue that is well-known in perimenopausal women, it can be a problem for some. Hormonal changes can cause the gums to swell and become inflamed. This can lead to bleeding, and if left unchecked, the plaque and bacteria can cause damage to the gumline and teeth. This affects a woman’s smile and how she presents herself to the world.

Fine Lines and Wrinkles

Skin loses its elasticity as estrogen and collagen decrease. Women may see noticeable fine lines, wrinkles, sagging, and dull skin. This can affect how they perceive their beauty. Some women become so obsessed with recapturing their youthful looks that they undergo risky and expensive procedures.

Graying Hair

As women age, their body decreases the production of estrogen, melanin, and ferritin. Combined, these lower levels of hormones cause hair thinning, less volume, and less pigment in the hair, leading to gray, white, or silver hair. Since many women consider their hair a beauty trademark, the sudden changes in texture, volume, and color can be disconcerting.

Low Self-Esteem, Lower Self-Confidence, Anxiety, and Depression

As perimenopause continues, the likelihood of developing depression and anxiety rises. Mood swings and irritability are also common during the months or years of perimenopause and menopause. The more changes a woman notices in her body, the more her self-esteem and self-confidence can take a hit. Body image issues are linked to the development of mental health conditions, including disordered eating, in an attempt to “fix” the body.

Christian Counseling for Women in Huntington Beach

Body image issues can become so strong that a woman will do anything to recapture youth. These endeavors can lead to tragic results. For example, a woman with body image issues may develop an eating disorder and body dysmorphia, which, if left untreated, could lead to death.

Has perimenopause led you to develop body image issues or exacerbated your emotions surrounding how you already view your body? Contact our office today at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to schedule an appointment with a Christian counselor in Huntington Beach, California specializing in women’s issues and body image issues. We would love to help you learn to accept your body while developing a healthier lifestyle and positive mental well-being.

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“Cloudy Beach”, Courtesy of Sam Hozan, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

How to Not Give In to Depression After a Breakup

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Feeling sad after a breakup is a normal reaction. You invested time, money, and emotions into a relationship that did not work out. Perhaps the breakup came as a surprise or had been a long time coming. What’s important now is not to give in to depression after a breakup.

Depression After Breakup: How to Protect Yourself from Getting Stuck

A breakup is a loss, and you may experience the five stages of grief as you navigate the first few days and months. You may experience denial or shock, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. To keep from getting stuck in the depression stage after a breakup, protect your mental health and well-being.

The following are several tips for protecting yourself from depression after a breakup.

Confide in a trusted friend

You need the support of a trusted friend or family member right now. Someone you can confide in and who will hold your hand while you process your emotions. Listen to them if they want to share their experience with depression after a breakup or offer advice.

Find a support group

The knee-jerk reaction after a breakup is to seclude away. But what you need now is support. Depression and grief support groups are excellent for providing participants with first-hand experience and tips for moving past heartache. You can find local and virtual groups online or check with your community center or local public library.

Consider counseling

Counseling can teach you the strategies and skills to process the breakup, accept your new reality, and make plans for the future. Counseling can help if you need to heal from trauma, abuse, neglect, abandonment, or feelings of low self-worth. The methods shared equip you with lifelong techniques to get over any obstacle.

Distance yourself from your ex

The old saying, “Out of sight, out of mind,” comes in handy after a breakup. You need at least a few weeks of distance from your ex as you process and heal. Don’t follow them on social media or in real life. If you must see them, try to keep your distance and only talk when necessary, such as when coparenting.

Dive into creative pursuits

Dive back into the activities that make you happy. Pursue creative outlets that allow you to express your feelings. For example, painting, sculpting, writing songs or short stories, crocheting, and playing a musical instrument are all ways you can express yourself. Make time for creative pursuits and hobbies to boost your mood and overall well-being.

Acknowledge your feelings, but don’t stay there

It’s important to acknowledge your feelings, but don’t stay there. You need to feel those emotions to work through them, but remaining stuck will not help you move forward. Consider journaling your thoughts and emotions. Journaling permits you to record your most vulnerable thoughts and distance yourself from them, promoting healing.

Exercise to feel better

People exercise to feel better about themselves externally and internally. Heart-pumping exercise triggers the release of endorphins and other brain chemicals, such as serotonin and dopamine. This release leaves you feeling happier and confident. Exercise also lowers cortisol, the stress hormone, and regulates mood.

Christian Counseling in Huntington Beach, CA

Talk therapy and other psychological methods are effective for managing depression after a breakup. Schedule a session with a Christian counselor in Huntington Beach, California to receive an assessment and discuss the skills and strategies you need to move forward. Contact us today at Huntington Beach, California, to learn more.

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Setting Personal Boundaries in Marriage: Examples and Techniques

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There is likely no more intimate human relationship than the one between a husband and wife. Our proximity to our spouse is like having a personal vanity mirror always bouncing our identities, faults, and traits back at us. It’s the sort of relationship where two people come together to share the entirety of their lives.

This marriage relationship is characterized by deep vulnerability, emotional and physical intimacy, exclusivity, and the ongoing commitment to do life together in ways that other relationships simply can’t hold a candle to. don’t. If you pause and think about it, there are things about marriage that simply cannot apply to other relationships, and it feels weird to try and do so.

You don’t commit to live with your friend for the rest of your lives, nor do you have the same obligations when it comes to your workplace and work relationships. There is something decidedly unique about the marital relationship. This makes it somewhat strange to talk about boundaries in marriage.

If we think about boundaries like boundary markers of what keeps things out or in, appropriate or inappropriate, understandably, talking about drawing such lines may feel counterproductive to connection.

Personal Boundaries in a Committed Relationship?

One of the ways marriage is described in Scripture is that “a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, NIV). There is a unison that occurs in marriage, and it doesn’t refer only to physical union through sexual intimacy, but the union of various aspects of their lives, such as where they live, their goals and plans, their finances, and so on.

Not one taking over the other, not one spouse consuming the other, or the relationship replacing the individuals’ identities, but two unique individuals embracing unity and making another whole thing, greater than the sum of its parts. 1+1=3 is the Kingdom math of relationships. Talking like this sets up the inevitable question about how the boundaries within a marriage can be if the two become one flesh.

The interesting thing about becoming one flesh is that whatever it means, it doesn’t mean you lose your individual existence. After all, if that were the case, there would be no need for Scripture to keep talking about the different and distinct roles and responsibilities of husbands and wives. Being one flesh doesn’t mean you stop being who you are as an individual.

A couple may be married, but it’s possible to have a situation in which one of them trusts in Jesus and the other does not (1 Corinthians 7:12-16). Marriage doesn’t take away the fact that you are who you are, or the fact that you have particular likes, dislikes, things you’re interested in, sensibilities, and your own sense of humor.

What marriage does is create space for two people to live together and love each other well. Loving each other well doesn’t mean becoming one another; it means considering everything that your spouse is and loving them as they are, even as you yearn for them to become who the Lord intended them to be. You love your spouse well by honoring who they are and acting in ways that speak love to who they are.

This reflects the relationship the three members of the Godhead have with each other and desire with us. To bring the glory and beauty out of each other by witnessing each other, elevating each other, and enjoying each other. Every relationship, if it is to be a healthy one, requires boundaries. These boundaries aren’t physical, per se, but they are lines that demarcate where one person ends, and the other person begins.

Each person has their limits, their own personality, things that they enjoy or don’t, and ways of being that are irreducibly them. Boundary lines like fencing on property overlooking a cliff, as C.S. Lewis might illustrate, are there for a reason, to keep fun safe and to prevent venturing into peril.

Personal boundaries can then become ways that individuals indicate their individuality, and as beings made in God’s image, their individuality is something the Lord purposely brought into being, even if it needs refinement to become more Christ-like. The Lord knit you in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13), and personal boundaries help you to protect who He made you to be. It’s a sad thing to be compelled to become someone else.

Examples of Personal Boundaries in Marriage

To understand personal boundaries and the place they may have in a marriage, it may be helpful to give a few examples of some boundaries. The point behind boundaries is that they help the individual define their identity, and they also help to establish limits and clear expectations in the relationship. They can also help to prevent emotional burnout, resentment, or unnecessary anger in the relationship.

Personal boundaries help to define who you are, what you’re comfortable with, and what your needs and expectations are of others. These boundaries can be about your emotions, your body, your time, money, work, how you handle digital space, and so much more.

Some examples of healthy personal boundaries in a marriage include respectful communication, such as no raised voices or name-calling; respecting each other’s opinions; not resorting to guilt-tripping or manipulation; and giving each other space to process things when needed. These standards help create a sense of emotional safety and respect in the relationship.

Time is an important aspect of our lives. Spouses might want alone time to pursue their hobbies, and also time for shared activities. To promote a healthy work-life balance, a couple may need to establish boundaries between work and life, for instance, by not checking work emails after 5 pm.

The couple can also set limits on social engagements and time spent with in-laws over the holidays. Another set of boundaries has to do with our bodies and could include personal space and delineating times and places where you don’t want to be touched.

When it comes to sexual intimacy, desires, limitations, and preferences can also be communicated, so no one feels pushed to do things they’re not comfortable with. There may also be boundaries regarding public displays of affection or private moments like dressing or using the bathroom.

Finances are often a source of conflict in relationships, and clear boundaries may be helpful. Boundaries may be set to determine shared budgeting or spending decisions; issues like debt need to be disclosed, discussed openly, and managed jointly; there may be boundaries like not lending money to loved ones; there may be limits on personal spending or maintaining individual financial autonomy.

Lastly, a couple may set boundaries about their digital lives. This includes whether they have access to each other’s devices or social media accounts; whether they can use phones during their shared time; setting limits on online interactions, for instance, not connecting with or following exes; respecting each other’s wishes about the kinds of things posted online about the family; and limiting screen time before or in bed.

Each couple will have boundaries that are unique to them as a couple and to each individual in the relationship. One of the key elements of having boundaries is that these need to be communicated openly with one’s spouse to establish boundaries that work for both spouses.

How to Set and Communicate Boundaries

When you set healthy boundaries, it works to strengthen your relationship by promoting mutual respect, trust, and understanding. It helps you to know how to love each other well because you know what your spouse wants, what’s important to them, and what will help make them feel seen and heard. The question then is: how do you effectively set and communicate boundaries?

It isn’t always possible to set boundaries before marriage. You might not even be fully aware that you have boundaries, or you haven’t communicated them as such. That’s okay. Some steps for setting and communicating your boundaries include the following: Self-reflect. Before you set or communicate your boundaries, take the time to reflect on your limits and needs.

What are some things that you consider non-negotiables, like your personal space or sense of emotional safety? Are there some areas where you’re currently feeling overwhelmed or disrespected? This may clue you in on the areas where you potentially need boundaries. Communicate your boundaries.

When you try to share your boundaries, make sure to be specific and clear about what you want. It’s important that you clearly define the boundaries and the expectations you have. For instance, you can say, “I need some focused time in the morning for work. Can I have the morning without interruptions?” Another example of a boundary is “I’m uncomfortable discussing sensitive topics with our friends around. Can we discuss this when we get home and we’re in private?”

When you communicate the boundary, it’s also important to set a consequence if the boundary isn’t respected. For instance, a consequence might be “If you keep interrupting me while I’m working, I’m afraid I’ll need to take a break and check out from the conversation.” You need to communicate your boundaries assertively. That means maintaining eye contact, maintaining a calm but firm tone, and avoiding passive-aggressive or aggressive language.

Show empathy and understanding toward your spouse, listen to their concerns and perspectives, and remain open to compromise. Also, use “I” statements to express yourself without blaming or shaming your spouse. Your boundaries are not a way to control your spouse or to get your own way.

They represent genuine needs and ought to be open to discussion and compromise. Part of living with another person is learning to bear one another’s burdens and creating healthy boundaries. Respecting one another’s boundaries is one way to love each other and bear each other’s burdens well.

Dealing with Violated Boundaries

After you’ve communicated your boundaries, should those boundaries be violated, be sure to address those violations promptly. Show an appreciation for boundaries that have been respected, and communicate any violations in the same way you communicated the boundary. Boundaries can and do shift with time and circumstance. Be flexible, remain open to compromise, and hold the line firmly where necessary.

It may be helpful to seek professional help to set, communicate, or address violated boundaries. Your counselor can help you by creating a safe and conducive environment to have these conversations and develop the necessary skills.

Mulling over not exploring your boundaries and sharing them with your partner is universal and understandable, too. It may feel intuitively more desirable and convenient not to share than to share them because you may think, “It’s the end of the day, my spouse and I are interacting in close quarters, ‘til death do us part. I don’t want to get on their bad side.” But with bad boundary definitions, they often already are on your bad side.

Precisely because you will be with your spouse, conceivably to the end, having those conversations around needs, wants, and preferences will smooth out in time your relational functioning, which will be a great gift to both of you in perpetuity compared to the short-term benefits of conflict avoidance in the near term.

Boundaries are like well-reasoned laws in a frontier town. They help settlers grow side by side and cultivate the land by following agreed-upon principles. They aren’t just the boundaries to not take my stuff or stay away at this time. Growth through limits. Love from restraint. The benefits of respect and care from boundaries. I can say they are boundless.

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“Seasoned Couple”, Courtesy of Gustavo Fring, Pexels.com, CC0 License

Experience the Difference: What a Christian Life Coach Can Do For You

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If you’ve come to this webpage, you are likely seeking care for unresolved wounds in your life, and if you’ve clicked on this article, you are probably searching for direction toward self-improvement in the hands of a coach who identifies with Christ.

With that in mind, I wanted to write to you about what you can expect from therapy, from life coaching, and especially from the subspecialty of Christian life coaching. I want to help you think through for yourself if the difference would be a noticeable enhancement in your journey.

What is therapy, and what is a Christian life coach?

First, let’s look at what these specialties are by definition and a few metaphors to further identify their typical look and function. Therapy, in the psychological world of healthcare, specifically refers to a professional-client relationship in which the professional delivers care that attends to the needs and mental wounds of the client.

The term “trauma” comes from the Greek for “wound,” and a therapist is in the field of mental wound care. Therapists share, teach, and model evidence-based, scientifically developed concepts and tools in a safe, positive, person-centered space and relationship.

In the metaphorical world of sports, a therapist may function like a physical therapist, helping the client recover from injuries suffered on the field so they can get cleared and back to their healthy athletic selves.

“Coach” was a word originally referring to a vehicle that would transport someone from one place to another. However, in the 1800s, it came to be used to refer to a professional who could help students through exams toward good grades. Now, a coach is widely recognized as a professional or amateur helper who helps bring students, athletes, clients, health patients, leaders, you name it, to higher functioning or personal enhancement in some area.

Metaphorically, a coach can be compared to a position-specific coach – such as a quarterback coach – who assists an athlete in refining movements, routines, or processes that enhance performance and skill. This support does not include addressing physical injuries, which remain the responsibility of a physical therapist.

The Christian Life Coach

But what about a Christian life coach? A Christian life coach can look at areas like business, nutrition, and career-finding just the same as a non-Christian life coach would, but the difference lies in their worldview and orientation to the client’s direction.

A Christian life coach may repurpose the skills and goals, reenvision the client’s sense of self in a new way, and point the client toward a somewhat dissimilar transformation process where goals and fulfillment are encountered in a Christian worldview.

A Christian life coach is like a quarterback coach (and therefore not a healer of injuries per se), but one that has an old, tested system for coaching the quarterback, who has different working premises of success, because that is the proven system in the coach’s mind for improving overall gameplay. To flesh that out, let’s take a look at a few more distinguishing characteristics of a Christian life coach.

A Christian life coach will draw wisdom from the Scriptures, prayer (both in and out of session), and incorporate spiritual disciplines and other effective coaching skills. Many Christian life coaches’ bio sections often use terminology like “help you with navigating” and “meeting you with compassion” through their coaching.

This highlights the humble approach of journeying alongside others in God’s world, drawing on the wisdom of scripture and spiritual practices, and sharing personal experiences of God’s faithfulness that have brought support and guidance in similar situations.

Non-Christian life coaches may use other phrases to describe themselves, such as “we will help you discover blind spots, re-examining old beliefs, and trying new things,” and (as to describe Tony Robbins – a huge figure in life coaching), “he set about gathering knowledge about success from the world’s best. He set out to help people become the best version of themselves, no matter their circumstances.”

A Christian life coach uses the Bible

So, one difference is the primacy of the Bible as source material that is elevated above other knowledge sources. Therefore, biblical life coaches will give the context of scripture verses that represent the thoughts and desires of God’s program for humanity to live fruitfully in this life. A Christian life coach who is worth their salt will endeavor to listen to their client’s heartfelt need and find applicable and contextually accurate verses that are God’s voice on the matter.

These scriptures may help clients find themselves in God’s design as valuable creations with a calling, clarifying the client’s identity in Christ, and encouraging them to pursue the Holy Spirit’s equipping and empowering role.

Clients will learn to set their values and passions in a creative and wider backdrop of right-sized, proper use of their gifts, and God’s presence here and now and forever forward as a promise of companionship and strength that He will always be faithful to carry out.

Prayer with a life coach can reveal areas of need, provide emotional grounding, and prepare clients to combine the truths of the Scriptures with the experience of the life coach, motivating them to act. Similarly, certain spiritual practices like fasting, solitude, generosity, and sabbath taking may be taught as a model of healthy life balance passed down from Old Testament heroes, from Jesus, and the early church.

Also, like a “Christian” quarterback coach, the Christian life coach may frame goals in ways that look less like elevating material success, fulfilling personal dreams, or aligning with an individual’s values and more like aligning with God’s will and calling, and promoting spiritual growth. As you can see, though these can overlap, in some ways, they can be qualitatively different.

Language used can also take on subtly different shades, which you may or may not like depending on your proclivity. Words like “surrendering,” “identity in Christ,” “God’s promises,” “providence,” and “control” may be more commonplace verbiage than in a secular life coaching session.

Also, decision-making processes and what makes them effective can have similarities and differences. A secular life coach (definition of secular being “present age minded”) may lean closer to scientific, deductive, even reductionistic models that start with a client’s logic and intuition and decide that a good decision will pay off when one can reasonably assume a good end or opportunity will arise from the decision.

A Christian life coach would similarly want a good ending to a decision, but what constitutes good for them may be defined only by what is godly (“No one is good but God alone.”). They will try to reverse engineer a good decision by first discerning God’s mindset on an issue through scripture and prayerful consideration. And then comes the question of how to create and maintain parameters that sustain good decision-making. We might call this accountability.

Accountability is thus grounded in the meaning-making structure that produces worthwhile goals. It then develops methods to help the client stay engaged and progress toward their goals, offering feedback and nudging the client back on track if they stray from their goals.

The Secular vs. the Christian Life Coach

This is where you may see a bigger difference between the secular and Christian orientations. The Christian life coach will nearly always believe in the objective nature of the meaning and truth of God’s world, and thus accountability has objective standards with which to weigh the client’s moves according to the Bible.

The secular life coach, will likely be agnostic or atheistic – at least, not faith based (which may be a whole other article to be written or researched if you are interested), will consider accountability as a concept grounded more on the client’s subjective will, desires to achieve or strive, or else be relaxed according to the client’s liking.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of similarities and differences, just the findings of one Christian therapist delving into the subject out of curiosity. I found myself using “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy” (developed by Steven Hayes), which I love and use often. It employs the discovery and commitment to deeply held values amid trials, pain, and the desire to avoid negativity as a pillar of its model for personal growth.

Integration

This posed an important question for me. If I use this theory with non-Christian, non-religious clients, who would almost all ascribe to beliefs or at least behaviors that reflect a subjective basis for meaning making, could I be catalyzing clients toward goals and behaviors that might ultimately separate them from a way of seeing life that needs God in it?

As I am slowly coming to believe that catalyzing clients’ awakening of old feelings and dreams about what brought them joy, a definition of identity, and a habit of moving forward in their life, can be useful and used by God as the client reawakens questions of who they were made to be.

Will those desires always neatly fit into prescribed Christian frameworks, let’s say, of healthy relationships, healthy recreation, and healthy work habits? No. But I believe that the question of what constitutes a purposeful life will eventually be used by God for growth and well-being in real life, with all of God’s tools and people working to inspire those who are not yet believers to consider the faith-filled, love-filled life God desires.

I am not a Christian life coach by training – the training and accreditation process for life coaching is different than traditional schooling processes for therapists or psychologists. However, there are programs and processes that life coaches can go through for greater specification and effectiveness. And you can and should always ask about that for your own benefit.

I love the godly promises-discovery process and the value defining process, and my therapy incorporates this to broaden healing (like the physical therapist healing the athletes torn hamstring) from past and present emotional and mental processing toward healing with value driven sights and plans built in (like a coach rooting you on the personal records and championships you desire).

Many (or at least, most) therapists will as well, by the way! But I just wanted to share that I love this stuff. Checking out and externally processing out my curiosities is part of my value system. Maybe that’s why I loved writing this piece. Dad joke beware.

Next Steps

If you’d like to start that journey of past, present, and future processing and growth with me, please feel free to reach out to reception at (949) 386-7178

Photos:
“Creating Plays”, Courtesy of Nguyen Thu Hoai, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

The Struggle of Parenting Teenagers: Part Two

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The struggle of parenting teenagers is real; am I right?

It’s the age where independence and peer focus skyrocket to a whole new level. It’s the age where parents’ fears resurface from the beginning of their lives: “Who will they turn out to be?” “Will life go well for them?” “Will they be successful?”

These are just a few of the questions asked by parents across the world. As teenagers mature into adulthood, parents are faced with the final years of pouring themselves into their kids. Along with that come new challenges, new struggles, and unknowns no one could have predicted.

In part one of this two-part series, “The Struggle of Parenting Teenagers,” we took a look at common struggles teenagers deal with while they try out new behaviors, understand in new ways, and feel new levels of emotions. In part one, we also dove deeper into the common responses parents give to their teenagers in the face of these struggles and highlighted the potential shortcomings of these responses.

Here in part two of this series, we will develop a set of alternative responses when things get hard with teenagers. Whether the first response goes well for you or not, these responses deserve some thought as you navigate your teenager’s developing years.

There is no perfect formula. No, one-size-fits-all approach that will get you the perfect teenager and the “perfect parent” award. Instead, the list below is meant to serve as more in your arsenal of thought and behavior toward your teenager as you guide them through these next formative years of their lives.

Alternative Responses in Parenting Teenagers

In place of or in addition to any of the responses detailed in part one, here are some responses for parents to consider when facing difficult teenage behavior.

Give time

Giving teenagers your time can be an impactful response (whether appreciated at first or not) to a teenager who is engaging in problematic behavior.

This response looks like selecting an amount of time according to the type of behavior (maybe starting with a week, or trying it for a month), and engaging in intentional time with your teenager each day or instead of alternative activities (e.g., in place of going to practice, the teenager stays home with the parent and plays games, finishes house projects, completes Bible studies, exercise, etc.).

Engage with the church

In the Body of Christ, there are people of faith, old and mature enough to pour their energy, experience, and love into youth. During times when you, as the parent, cannot be with the teenager, and during even times when you can, consider setting up time for your child to spend time with other people of faith. This allows the teenager to spend time with and talk to someone who is not a parent, but who shares similar values to you.

Be the leader

As a leader in the home, taking the initiative to model the desired behavior of the teenager goes a long way. This includes refraining from electronic use while in their presence, engaging in church and/or community activities, etc.

If you feel like you’re already doing all of this, you’re off to a great start. Consider how you can come along with your teenager during this time and engage with them while they are participating in positive activities.

Have heart-to-hearts

Your teenager may be the strong, silent type. Try utilizing different locations, environments, and activities to open them up. Consistency works wonders in training them up to expect you will be talking with them, and that they will be expected to talk with you.

Activities can look as simple as Q&A prompts or magazine quizzes. Take things up a notch by shooting some hoops or going to miniature golf. Don’t be afraid of going to grab some ice cream and walking on the beach.

Engage in a service/community mindset

Teenagers are capable of serving major roles in the family and community. Their impact can be as large as the functioning of the family home, or stretch into the external workings of the city they live in.

If the teenager doesn’t play an active role in the home, now is a great time to establish one or more. These roles can include spending time with siblings, helping out around the house, serving the grandparents, volunteer work, community service, etc.

Where to look for help

Parents and teenagers need lots of support. There are new things to face and new expectations to live by for everyone. The struggle of parenting teenagers (as well as being a teenager) is even more difficult without a community or proper sources to lean on.

Everyone has opinions, so when it comes to taking advice, it is important to vet it.

The Bible

The Bible is a source of wisdom and truths that are unchanging and full of promise. When looking to the Bible for counsel, be careful to study the heart of God in the matter-not just taking a verse and blanketing it over your situation based on your own understanding. Using the Bible as a source of counsel comes by studying the word, the context of each word, and gaining an understanding of who God is and His instructions for us, His followers.

If your teenager is not a follower of Christ and doesn’t recognize the Bible’s authority over them, it is important to take counsel from the Bible for your actions as a parent, as well as how to address unbelievers. This is in addition to how God wants your teenager to be counseled by His Word to become a believer and gain assurance of their salvation.

Don’t assume the Bible will have meaning in your teenager’s life before a) you work on your own life, and b) your teenager has been saved.

People

People are an essential part of our lives. We need people to help us function and thrive. God Himself tells us through the Bible how our influences not only matter, but also how the Church is a critical part of our spiritual growth and faith journeys.

Understandably, it can be difficult to establish relationships with good, faith-filled people. Time, effort, grace, and forgiveness are necessary components of keeping and growing healthy relationships; most of those are in short supply because of one thing or another.

How, then, does one go about choosing people to speak into and influence our lives and the lives of our teenagers? The first step is to pray. Pray for the wisdom of both you and the people you are choosing. Pray for the strength to stand up for what is right. Pray for a filling of time, effort, grace, and forgiveness in all parties involved.

The next step is to reach out. If you are already involved in some sort of church group or have family that hold strong Christian values, you’ve got a ready-made pool of people to invite to pray with you, spend time with you, counsel you, and spend time with or counsel your teenager.

If you do not already have a built-in group to select from, then getting involved in one can take time you don’t feel like you have. The beauty of God being outside of time is that He has already gone before you in this and is not anxious for things to move at a specific speed. So, it’s time to get serious about getting involved with your local church.

In the meantime, while you are working on growing relationships and testing those waters for your family, try connecting with the resources of trusted theologians. These resources can include sermons, commentaries, web articles, books, podcasts, etc.

When evaluating your options for who to get closer with and connect your teenager with, consider exploring the book of Titus. In just three chapters, the book of Titus lays out guidelines for leaders. From how they are to be behaving in life, to what their family’s behavior looks like, to what they teach.

Church Family

While a church family is included in the people who can support you during the parenting years, a church family serves as a greater source of encouragement. Involving yourself in church is an important part of living as a Christian and shepherding your family in Godly ways.

This is more than just serving in a ministry and going on Sundays. Involving yourself in church to the level of church becoming a family means being sharpened, sharpening others, discipling others, being discipled, using your gifts, being poured into, and pouring out into others.

Most of the New Testament letters to the churches outline God’s design for you and your family to be a part of His Body. They are there for you to study and guide you through every struggle you can face in the church.

Family

Family is an important part of every teenager’s life. Whatever state your family is in, start there.

Strengthening relationships is the next step. This includes your teenager as well as interactions between your teenager and other members of your family. This is done by taking time to invest by listening, enjoying each other’s company, engaging in new or liked activities by each party (it doesn’t have to be liked by both/all parties), and/or working on chores/household/service projects.

Role models are another important area to evaluate when parenting. You are a role model to your teenager; which other adults are as well? Are you being protective and supportive in teaching your teenager how to discern between positive and negative role models?

Lastly, your teenager is a role model for others who are younger (in addition to the influence they have over their peers). Have you done the work to pour into your teenager the teaching necessary for developing a value system and way of behaving that properly encourages them for such a role?

How do you know if you need a therapist for parenting teenagers?

When you don’t know where to start addressing the struggle of parenting teenagers, your first thought can be to contact an expert and get counsel. Reaching out to a Christian therapist can be an appropriate first step for you to have space and counsel to work on your struggles.

If you are not yet connected to a church or have limited access to support, then a Christian counselor can be a support while you develop those relationships.

If there are few or no trusted adults to support your teenager, then a Christian counselor can be a support while you seek out and develop relationships. Do not discount your own relationship with your teenager in this equation. Developing a trusted relationship can take some time, and the teenager’s willingness will be a factor.

Maybe you need help mediating between you and your spouse about parenting teenagers. A Christian counselor would be appropriate help for the two of you in addressing the struggle of parenting teens together. If you see yourself as disconnected from your teen, a Christian therapist can help you reconnect with your child.

Wherever you are on the journey, if you need support, we have therapists available to talk this week. Check us out at https://cachristiancounseling.com/

Photos:
“Mother and Son”, Courtesy of picturism, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Handshake”, courtesy of jackmac34, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Sitting on a Park Bench”, Courtesy of Surprising_Media, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Family on the Beach”, Courtesy of chillla70, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

The Struggle of Parenting Teenagers: Part One

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The struggle of parenting teenagers isn’t something new. It’s the age when children start to practice being adults. Their minds develop in ways that enable them to start seeing the world in a different and critical light. Parents and other adults can experience teenagers as engaging, productive, and fun, or, on the other hand, as disrespectful, stubborn, and troubled.

The Stress of Parenting Teenagers

Everyone has their good and bad days, but what happens when the worry starts to creep in for parents? That worry says, “The bad days outnumber the good.” The struggle intensifies, and a growing fear of what is to come takes over.

Do any of these sound familiar?

  • “Is this normal behavior?”
  • “Does this mean they are _____?!”
  • “How do I get the lying to stop?”
  • “I just don’t know how to talk with my teenager.”
  • “All they do is argue with me.”
  • “My teenager just needs more self-confidence.”

If so, you are not alone. Teenagers can experience depression, body shame, low self-confidence, new levels of stress, and access to substances. These issues, along with developing brains, can lead to communication struggles and difficulties regulating emotions.

This article is part one of two articles that develop an understanding of the struggles parents face when deciding how to parent through teenage years. This article will attempt to expand your perspective on common issues teenagers face and common responses parents have to those issues. Part two will dive into alternative responses, where to look for help, and when to seek a therapist.

Common Issues Face by Teenagers and Their Families

Self Esteem

Teenagers develop a new level of ability to see others, compare with others, and are trying to work out what is good/right and bad/wrong for themselves with new reasoning capabilities. This can lead a teenager to lose or decline in self-esteem, whether internally done (comparing themselves with others they see) or externally influenced (when others make negative comparisons of them).

Communication Breakdowns

Communication breaks down in a family when teenagers struggle to express themselves. It also temporarily becomes more difficult for teenagers to process and relay information as their brains are distracted by new developments. Receiving correction is also not processed in the same way, as the teenager can try out reasoning skills and work through their newfound independence and desires.

Lying

Because teenagers are prone to compare themselves to others, are working on their own sense of right and wrong, and thinking in new ways, they can be prone to lying or communication that leaves out details. Lying or leaving out information can quickly become a habit that frustrates the entire family and creates a lack of proper communication across circle groups (i.e., family, friends, school, sports, etc.).

Fighting

Teenagers have developing reasoning skills. While practicing the art of reason, it has the potential to become a fight. These fights can range from simple rebuttals to full-blown screaming as teenagers get wrapped up in their own understanding, and parents are at a loss for how to respond and maintain authority.

Isolation

Teenagers are finding their way, developing rapidly, and often taking on increased responsibility, so they need more downtime, and they crave social connection. These needs and cravings create a propensity to isolate from family and spend less time in or around the home.

Self-Harm

Self-harming behavior is alarming to families, and at times, shameful as well. Any level of self-harming behavior can be difficult for families to manage and address. Any such behavior also has the potential to create new questions for the family and decrease trust in the teenager.

  • Physical Physical self-harming behaviors include actions such as abstaining from eating, purging after eating, over-eating, cutting, burning, slapping/punching/hitting. Teenagers may engage in these behaviors for several reasons, such as low self-esteem or to escape various types of stress.
  • Sexual Teenagers may engage in reckless, rough, or other inappropriate sexual behavior (i.e., sharing themselves via pornographic avenues). Again, teenagers who engage in these self-harming behaviors do so for a number of reasons.
  • Substances Substances can be drugs or alcohol of any amount. Teenagers may reason that there is no harm being done when using these substances. However, many studies have shown harm from the use of any controlled substance, tobacco or otherwise, on the developing and developed brains of individuals. Just because there is no perceived harm does not mean it is not there.

How much substance use is recognized as a problem can range from any use to abundant use. People often claim that there is no problem with using substances unless there is a frequent negative impact on the person’s life. No matter when or if the substance becomes a problem to the teenager or their parents, the motivation for using the substance is something important to be addressed.

Any of these issues, or any additional not-so-common issues that you and your teenager face, can present a level of difficulty that surpasses what parents and teens see as their capacity to deal with on their own. In other words, it’s normal to face new challenges that you and your teenager will need help with.

The parent response can vary from incident to incident and parent to parent. Below are a few common responses from parents.

Common Responses When Parenting Teenagers

This is not an exhaustive list by any means. This list includes reactions that parents have when facing any issue with their teenager’s behavior post-reprimanding, such as yelling and/or silence.

Take away privileges Whether it be a response to try and restrict access to the troubled behavior or an attempt to simply decrease freedom, taking away privileges is typically a common first approach. While this can seem like it works, it often doesn’t fix the behavior and yields only temporary results-if any.

Some teenagers are extremely reactive toward their privileges (such as electronics) being taken away, and others couldn’t care less. Either reaction can lead parents to wonder how to encourage their teenager to behave better.

Send them to church This is not every parent’s approach, but it becomes a part of many Christian homes where parents make it a rule to attend church. Parents who have teenagers who are engaging in difficult behavior will demand that their children continue joining them at church, or send them to church by themselves.

The difficulty of this approach comes when parents believe that the church will “fix” the teenager. Many times, it does not fix the behavior and can drive a wedge between the teenager and the church.

Send them to an expert Similar to sending the teenager to church, outsourcing the problem to an expert is thought by parents to be the “fix.” Sending your teenager to an expert will only have the opportunity to yield positive results if the teenager is open to admitting they have a problem, desires to work with the expert, and can access the tools and implement them.

Let them be This may sound like an odd one to add to a list of common responses of parents of teenagers caught in problematic behavior, but it is an important one to highlight. Letting the teenager “be” can come as a first response or after a different response wears off. For example, some parents may restrict freedoms for a week after an incident, and then simply allow the freedoms to be restored (sometimes prematurely) without any other intervention.

As a first response, parents can reason that they don’t have much insight to help the problem, the teenager will eventually self-correct, or that the problematic behavior isn’t “that bad.”

Help Parenting Teenagers

Any of these reactions are appropriate and/or fitting at times. The above reactions may be all a parent needs to see their teenager turn around in their behavior and straighten their ways.

What happens when the struggle of parenting teenagers seems like it’s too much, when the parent’s reaction doesn’t seem to evoke any level of change from the teenager?

It is common for parents to have at least one encounter of feeling lost and not knowing what to do with their teenager’s behavior. In part two of “The Struggle of Parenting Teenagers,” we will explore alternative responses to the ones found above, where to find help, and how to tell if your teenager needs a therapist.

Want to talk with someone today? Contact our team at cachristiancounseling.com or call us at 619-877-2560.

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5 Types of OCD and Signs to Watch For

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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, commonly known as OCD, is a mental disorder marked by obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors. OCD interferes with daily life and relationships if left untreated. This article will help you learn more about the types of OCD and signs to recognize when to seek help for yourself or a loved one.

Types of OCD

There are five common types of OCD. Most symptoms fall into these categories. Someone with OCD may not display all of the behaviors in a category. Only a mental health care professional can diagnose it and the category it falls into.

Signs of OCD

The signs of OCD may seem odd to those peering in from the outside while observing a loved one’s behaviors. However, intrusive or obsessive thoughts dominate a person’s mind and lead to compulsive behaviors. When counselors treat the signs of OCD, they work on helping the client shift their mindset, reframe negative thoughts, and behave differently.

Read through the list of the signs, then speak to a counselor about any behaviors troubling you.

Contamination OCD

Contamination OCD is a fear of illnesses and germs. People with this type are afraid that if they do not care for themselves, they will get ill. This fear creates cleansing rituals as compulsive behaviors.

For example, the person may wash their hands in a specific way and frequency until they feel they have killed as many germs as possible. The pandemic may have made contamination OCD worse in people as they tried to avoid the virus.

  • Excessive cleanliness
  • Handwashing
  • Fear of contamination
  • Cleansing rituals

Good personal hygiene is necessary and should not cause worry and fear. Counseling can help you reframe your thoughts and emotions to change the behavior associated with contamination and cleansing.

Checking OCD

Checking OCD is one of the more well-known versions of the condition. This person struggles to resume their day because they lost track of time while double-checking things around the house. This can make people re-enter their homes to check the locks and appliances. They may call their loved ones repeatedly to check in on them.

There is a deep fear that if they do not follow a routine or say the correct verbiage (like “Be careful!”), their loved one will get hurt or not survive.

  • Counting
  • Checking
  • Extreme fear or worry that something horrible will happen

Anxiety and fear are hallmarks of checking OCD. Counseling can teach you to soothe your nervous system as you manage the condition.

Symmetry and Ordering OCD

Symmetry and ordering OCD goes beyond the desire for a neat and tidy environment. With this type of OCD, the impulse to keep everything in alignment is overwhelming. People struggling with symmetry and ordering OCD may spend time organizing their pantries, desks, closets, and drawers. They may lash out at loved ones for not keeping items where they belong. They may have trouble at work due to too much time spent counting and arranging.

  • Symmetry
  • Ordering
  • Counting
  • Arranging

Constant organizing can rob you of time. Treatments, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), can help you learn to change your thoughts.

Intrusive Thoughts OCD

Intrusive thoughts in OCD are disturbing to those struggling with it. Frightening and violent images fill their minds. They are worried that they may give in and hurt the people they love most in the world. The impulse to act on these thoughts grows stronger.

They become fearful of what others might think of them if they share their thoughts. If you struggle with intrusive thoughts and are afraid of your actions, seek professional help immediately. A counselor understands and will work with you to manage and diminish these thoughts and impulses.

  • Intrusive and obsessive thoughts
  • Fear of hurting other people
  • Disturbing images

Intrusive and obsessive thoughts do not mean you were born evil. God created you for His purpose. Christian counseling can help you overcome these impulses.

Hoarding OCD

Although rarely mentioned, hoarding is a type of OCD. People struggling with hoarding have trouble throwing away or donating items. There are several reasons why someone keeps items, including what most people deem as trash.

If they grew up in scarcity, they may be afraid they will need an item again and won’t be able to find it. They may view items as worth a lot of money or having sentimental value. In many cases, they feel a sense of security surrounded by their belongings.

Hoarding causes issues in relationships. The family may be embarrassed to have anyone over, and packed homes may have a pungent odor. The more clutter in a home, the more of a fire risk and health hazard it can be.

Getting Help

Do these types of OCD sound familiar? You may recognize your signs of OCD from any of the categories: contamination, checking, symmetry and ordering, intrusive thoughts, or hoarding. Contact our office today at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling in California to schedule an appointment with a counselor in Huntington Beach to help you manage your symptoms and regain control of your life.

Photo:
“Sea Rocks”, Courtesy of Jairo Gonzalez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License