Practical Advice for Newlyweds

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A marriage based on love and respect doesn’t just happen. It is something you need to work on. One of the biggest adjustments is making the mental shift from deciding things on your own to having your decisions involve someone else. In this situation, advice for newlyweds can be helpful.

Advice for Newlyweds

The following are some practical tips that can help smooth your transition from singlehood to marriage. Mostly they come from couples in happy, long-lasting marriages who have gone the distance themselves.

Remember your commitment

Marriage is a covenant with a person who is not always going to make you happy, nor you him or her. On hard days when you’re feeling frustrated or upset, remember your commitment. Be intentional about investing time, energy, and communication into understanding and meeting one another’s needs. Always be there for one another and learn how to attack problems together with a mindset of it being the two of you against the world, as opposed to against each other.

Have realistic expectations

Marriage is not all glamorous. There are going to be good days and bad days when you don’t feel in love, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your relationship. Ups and downs are inevitable in even the happiest of marriages. Not every disagreement, however, is worth fighting over. Learn to choose your battles wisely.

Be open and honest

Keep your lines of communication open and make a habit of talking often about your thoughts and feelings. Secrets divide but being open and honest with one another about everything – especially the stuff that hurts – will help foster trust, strengthen the connection between you, and increase intimacy.

Be quick to forgive

Don’t wait to stop feeling angry before being willing to forgive. It does not mean pretending not to be hurt, disappointed, or upset, but if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, it is an intentional choice to set aside pride and extend the same grace to your spouse that Christ extended to you on the cross. Forgiveness provides space to work things out rather than allow an issue to fester and damage the rest of your relationship.

Avoid accusations and defensiveness

Avoid focusing on past upsets or using threats of divorce to get what you want. Be kind and communicate respectfully, even when you are feeling upset. Remember that your spouse is not a mind reader. Tell him or her what the cause of your distress is using “I” statements to express how it causes you to feel, rather than make accusations, cast blame, or be defensive about your part in the issue.

Practice active listening

Assume the best of one another. If your spouse’s actions upset you, try to find out what their motivation was before jumping to conclusions. Listen attentively to what they are saying. Try to understand their perspective, and validate their thoughts and feelings, even if you don’t agree with them. Being empathetic and compassionate with one another will strengthen the connection between you.

Be flexible and willing to compromise

Being flexible and willing to compromise will allow you to grow and learn from your mistakes. Take responsibility for your part in any problem you face as a couple and be quick to offer an apology if an apology is due.

Laugh together

Look for the humor in frustrating situations. A good laugh can help diffuse tension, alter your perspective, and make your journey more memorable.

Plan date nights

Make time for regular one-on-one activities as a couple. Especially once you have children, these times can help you stay connected and increase your feelings of closeness.

Keep the spark alive

Make your spouse your best friend and don’t stop building your love for one another. Take an interest in each other’s interests, and look for fresh, new experiences to share, such as trying out a new restaurant, going on an adventure, or taking a vacation in a romantic spot.

Encourage one another

Regularly tell your spouse what you love and appreciate about them, do kind things for one another, and look for ways to brighten each other’s day.

Give each other space

Respect each other’s need for alone time occasionally. Having time to recharge and enjoy personal interests is as important as couple time and can strengthen your relationship.

Keep your private life private

One of the greatest pieces of advice for newlyweds is to keep private matters private. If you have problems in your relationship, seek help from someone qualified to give it to you rather than talk about it to anyone who will listen. Don’t speak negatively about your spouse to other people, or air personal issues on social media.

If you have questions about this article on advice for newlyweds or would like to pursue Christian couples counseling in Huntington Beach, California to help strengthen your bond, please give us a call at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling.

Photo:
“Just Married,” Courtesy of Drazen Nesic, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

The Dangers of Toxic Positivity in Relationships

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Some people are just the life of the party, and some people are what you’d call a ray of sunshine. There are times when the mood needs to be lifted, and when some positivity helps everyone in the room. However, not every moment or situation needs the same treatment, and insisting on it can become deeply problematic. The term ‘toxic positivity’ can help to describe some of these harmful tendencies.

What is toxic positivity?

We all tend to dislike experiences that generate sadness, guilt, shame, or loneliness, but some seek to steer clear of them altogether. These experiences and situations can’t be avoided though. When they happen, they need to be faced squarely. Being positive during such times is one thing, but toxic positivity is when a person avoids, suppresses, or rejects negative emotions or experiences.

It can look like shaming others for experiencing certain emotions, denying any negative emotions, invalidating one’s natural emotions, and an inability to respect other people’s emotional experiences. For instance, if someone has been having a tough time at work, a toxically positive person might respond, “You’re lucky to even have a job.”

To be sure, there is a place for gratitude in everyday life, but the person who struggles with toxic positivity doesn’t leave much room for others to express their feelings if those feelings aren’t positive. That can have significant drawbacks in a relationship.

Some dangers of toxic positivity in relationships

For a relationship to flourish, the people in it must be able to express themselves honestly. Vulnerability is essential for intimacy and the health of the relationship. Toxic positivity in relationships can manifest in damaging ways that include gaslighting by downplaying or dismissing someone’s feelings, which can make them question their own emotions.

Another way that toxic positivity can manifest is by minimizing issues. It often results in dismissing or trivializing issues, rather than addressing and resolving them. Forced optimism is another reality, as the person with a toxic positivity will constantly demand a positive attitude, which in turn disregards others’ valid concerns or emotions.

Further, shaming or blaming is also a feature of toxic positivity, by criticizing or judging someone for not being positive enough. Toxic positivity will also often result in avoiding conflicts because it’s easier to sweep issues under the rug rather than confront and resolve them. While gratitude is important, toxic positivity results in an overemphasis on gratitude, without acknowledging valid frustrations or concerns.

Additionally, it can ignore or disrespect someone else’s boundaries under the guise of “staying positive” and can also result in toxic encouragement, which is pushing someone to do more without considering their well-being or limitations. In a relationship, toxic positivity can also lead to unrealistic expectations such as expecting a partner always to be happy, perfect, or positive.

Those who are toxically positive often demonstrate a lack of empathy and a failure to understand and validate someone else’s emotional experience. Healthy relationships thrive on authenticity, empathy, vulnerability, and understanding. Toxic positivity undermines these essential qualities that a relationship needs to flourish. Ultimately, it can harm the relationship and make it an unsafe place for others.

Growing to embrace difficult feelings

A person can hold onto toxic positivity for various reasons, but it is damaging not only to others but also to the toxically positive person. However, the good news is that it’s possible to overcome toxic positivity and learn to create space and embrace difficult feelings. Learning to overcome toxic positivity requires recognizing and challenging harmful behaviors and attitudes. Some steps to help include:

Recognizing toxic positivity

Self-reflect and develop your self-awareness to begin learning to identify when you are dismissing other’s emotions, minimizing problems, or forcing optimism in a given situation.

Embracing authenticity and imperfection

Allow yourself to feel and express a range of emotions, without judgment. Recognize the fact that no one is perfect except the Lord, and mistakes that you or anyone else makes are growth opportunities.

Setting realistic expectations

In line with the above, learn to let go of unrealistic expectations and keep your mind trained on progress and not perfection. Challenge any harmful beliefs you may have and reframe any unrealistic expectations you have of yourself or others. Cultivate a growth mindset so that you can embrace challenges and grow as you learn from your failures.

Nurturing emotional intelligence

Learn to recognize, understand, and healthily manage your emotions. Similarly, learn to recognize the emotions of others, and allow them to express a range of emotions without judgment. Practice empathy by listening actively to try and understand how others feel and see things.

Practicing mindfulness

Grow your ability to focus on the present moment and let go of the need for constant positivity.

Seeking professional help

Moving beyond toxic positivity requires self-awareness, empathy, and a willingness to embrace authenticity. You don’t have to do it alone. You can speak with a therapist or counselor to help you address underlying issues that fuel your toxic positivity.

Getting help

If you feel you fit this description or are in a relationship with someone who is toxically positive, reach out to our offices today. We will schedule a session with a trained therapist who can help you develop healthy coping strategies as you grow in your ability to embrace difficult feelings and situations.

Photo:
“Wild Flowers”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Why Do Affairs Happen? 7 Reasons for Infidelity

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There is often value in answering the question, “What happened?” In the story of a marriage, when infidelity occurs, it’s important to understand what happened and why it happened. According to some statistics, infidelity is responsible for between 20-40% of divorces. However, not everyone who has experienced infidelity opts to end their marriage. Many couples can find healing and choose to remain together.

Part of the healing process includes understanding why the infidelity happened in the first place so that the marriage can be strengthened and restored. Knowing why infidelity occurred can help a couple with accountability, and with developing a deeper understanding of how to love one another better.

Some reasons for infidelity

Infidelity is when one partner breaks their commitment to remain faithful to their partner by engaging in a romantic or sexual relationship with another person. Infidelity doesn’t have to be sexual. An emotional affair is when a person forms a deep connection with someone other than their partner, and that connection resembles or rivals the connection in the primary relationship.

Infidelity occurs under a wide variety of circumstances, and there are several reasons why people have affairs. What’s important to remember is that though there may be significant reasons why one decides to have an affair, the affair is still a decision, and one should take responsibility for one’s decisions. Understanding the reason behind infidelity shouldn’t absolve responsibility or create room for blaming or blame-shifting.

The key reason to understand why infidelity happens is to understand where there may be weaknesses in the relationship or issues that an individual or the couple needs to address as they go through counseling. Some of the reasons why infidelity occurs include:

Issues in the primary relationship

This is the reason most people assume why infidelity happens. Perhaps there’s a wedge that forms in the relationship and the couple drifts apart. Perhaps one partner begins working a lot more or goes through a serious illness, and intimacy suffers as a result. A period of prolonged conflict can also potentially result in seeking comfort outside the relationship.

Permissive attitudes

We live in a cultural and social context in which the mores around monogamy have been shifting profoundly. Polyamorous relationships are lauded, and as these cultural and societal norms about sex and intimacy shift, people may find themselves crossing boundaries into infidelity.

Low self-esteem and compulsion

A person may find themselves having an affair against their will, for instance when they are coerced by their employer. An individual with low self-esteem may also find themselves in an affair because they struggle to say “No” or because they may be seeking validation through the affair.

Sex addiction

A condition like sex or romance addiction can also be a contributing factor to an affair occurring.

Nostalgia and self-exploration

It’s common for an affair to happen when two people who were in a relationship before managing to connect again and rekindle their relationship. Taking the road not traveled and exploring new aspects of oneself is another reason why infidelity might also occur.

Revenge

If one spouse has had an affair in the past, the other spouse might have an affair as a form of revenge and to hurt their counterpart.

To end the relationship

If someone feels as though they want to end the relationship, and they feel otherwise unheard or powerless to do so, they may have an affair as a way to undermine the relationship in such a significant manner as to end it.

Finding healing after infidelity

When infidelity occurs, it undermines trust in the relationship. That breach of trust is serious enough to end the relationship. A betrayal can make it difficult to move beyond being suspicious of the partner who cheated. In many ways, infidelity can also be traumatic, causing nightmares and flashbacks for both partners.

Healing after infidelity can only really happen if there is an acknowledgment that the affair happened. Without remorse or taking responsibility for what happened, a couple can’t move forward and begin making the changes necessary to heal the broken trust. In addition to this, accountability is necessary so that the partner who was cheated on feels safe enough to trust their partner again.

Counseling is another ingredient in a couple’s finding healing. It creates a safe and supportive environment for the couple to explore feelings of hurt, and for them to express their needs and begin setting goals for themselves.

Through counseling, the couple can explore reasons for infidelity and why the infidelity occurred. They can also identify unhealthy patterns in the relationship, address areas where the couple does not love each other well, and work to improve their communication and intimacy.

Getting help

If you or your partner is struggling to work through the impact of infidelity, please reach out to us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling. We can arrange an appointment for you to see a trained Christian therapist in Huntington Beach, California who can help you walk a healing journey.

Photos:
“Green Plants”, Courtesy of Vadim L., Unsplash.com, CC0 License

2 Benefits of Marriage Counseling and 3 Disadvantages

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The difficulties with marriage start at the beginning of a relationship. No one starts a relationship looking to end up in marriage counseling one day, but from the very start of “I think I like you” to the “I do” and beyond, there are certain difficulties that each couple will face

Some of these difficulties require more work than others. A majority of the troubles that couples face can benefit from marriage therapy. As with any tool, however, there are both benefits and disadvantages to marriage counseling.

Two benefits of marriage counseling.

For any couple working with a marriage counselor, there are benefits to reap once the work has been done to find a counselor that fits. The premise of marriage counseling is to assist couples in their relationship with themselves, one another, and the systems around them.

Choosing to work in such a context should not be a light decision, nor should it be a one-sided decision. Couples who come to counseling need to decide together that they are there to do the work, otherwise there are likely to be no benefits at all.

Communication.

One of the top benefits that can come from marriage counseling is improved communication. Even starting to talk about marriage therapy, whether for premarital, newly married couples, or long-time married couples can bring about better talk as a couple. This “pre-talk” allows the couple to define the terms, establish a reasonable assessment of how important the marriage is to one another, and explore what areas need to be worked on most.

While in marriage counseling, a counselor can help the couple improve their communication by supplying mediation and skill training. With a counselor acting as a mediator, couples have the advantage of slowing their communication down.

The counselor makes room for pausing and reflecting. This sort of mediation allows for couples to be heard by one another and get their point across more effectively. The mediation of a counselor helps couples to create safe boundaries while navigating conflict.

Skill training helps the couple increase their active and reflective listening. Skill training also serves to increase the couple’s positive communication by allowing them to practice filtering and shaping their words. By improving communication, the couple’s intimacy is increased and thereby overall satisfaction in the relationship.

Longevity.

Marriages start with the desire for the relationship to last and in order to have a lasting marriage, there needs to be a certain level of satisfaction. In other words, decreased satisfaction in times of conflict can jeopardize the marriage. In order to increase satisfaction between the couple, marriage counselors support them in developing better communication, conflict resolution, and empathy skills.

With an increase in these skills, the couple can feel more understood, more at ease, and more willing to be vulnerable. This leads to the couple having their needs met. As conflict decreases and needs are increasingly met, the satisfaction of the relationship increases. This increase in satisfaction improves the longevity of the relationship exponentially.

Three disadvantages of marriage counseling.

There are both benefits of marriage counseling and disadvantages. Two of the benefits of marriage counseling discussed above are communication and longevity. These play into one another, just as the disadvantages do. Disadvantages of marriage counseling can include areas of conflict resolution, self-discipline, and that it is not a “one-size-fits-all” intervention.

Conflict resolution.

Every marriage has its moments of conflict. Within couples therapy, couples are spending time addressing that conflict in hopes of a resolution. The disadvantage to this is that it can stir up the conflict and leave the couple more hurt before any resolution comes. Counseling takes time, and there are no guarantees with it. This means things can get worse before they get better.

Another aspect of conflict resolution is that often within marriage counseling, working on a current conflict brings up conflicts from the past. This leaves couples to face multiple conflicts at once. Any work with conflict resolution creates the opportunity for immense individual growth and strengthening of skills.

Working with a marriage counselor on resolving conflict in a marriage can help the couple develop a plan that improves their marriage. However, the plan will not be void of hard work and the facing of more difficult pain. Each individual has to make the decision to face the amount of work that conflict resolution presents them with.

Self-discipline.

Getting married to someone doesn’t mean that person is perfect. There is often an understanding within the relationship that there is room for each individual to grow. What can be unknown at times is the level of self-discipline it will take to both grow and endure the other’s need for growth.

Marriage counselors hold a unique position with a couple to both help the individuals see the need for self-discipline or growth, as well as to support them in building the skills necessary to achieve it. These skills include brain re-training, empathy building, behavior modification, habit training, etc.

Learning new skills and practicing new roles within the marriage requires self-discipline. As with any discipline, it is not easy to endure. The temporary pain is sometimes determined to not be worth the long-term gain. Marriage counseling requires the individuals to face this reality and own up to it.

Not a “one-size-fits-all” intervention.

Each individual in a marriage has the choice to both enter into and stay in marriage counseling. This requires multiple things to be right in order for it to work. For marriage therapy specifically, both individuals must agree to commit to the marriage and work on it, otherwise it is just individual counseling with an extra person in the room.

Once commitment to the marriage is secured, both individuals need to agree on who they work with. If one person feels uncomfortable with the counselor, or both, it will be an uphill battle while the couple is already wounded. After deciding that continuing the marriage is right for the couple and that the counselor is right for the couple, the couple then needs to decide at some point whether or not the counseling is serving the marriage well.

This decision can be the most difficult part to face, leaving the couple at a strong disadvantage. The difficulty lies within the hard work that facing conflict creates. Due to there being no guarantees in therapy, enduring hard work can leave the couple feeling more depleted than simply enduring the conflict, and thereby become a confusing time when they have to decide whether to continue counseling or not.

Marriage counseling is not the only way for couples to improve their marriage. In fact, for some it may create more conflict in a way that proves ineffective at addressing any original conflicts at hand. Sometimes talking things out and expressing feelings does not serve the purpose of resolution. Marriage counseling may not fit the relationship dynamics, circumstances, or even culture of the couple.

Is marriage counseling worth it?

Marriage counseling is a tool for couples to use just like any other tool. It is meant to support the couple in the growth and longevity of their relationship with each other. Whether the disadvantages outweigh the advantages really comes down to the married couple. If you are ready to explore more regarding whether marriage counseling is right for you, reach out to a counselor near you.

Photos:
“Young Couple”, Courtesy of Surprising_Shots, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Couple at Odds”, Courtesy of Tumisu, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Dream Life”, Courtesy of Olessya, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Country Walk”, Courtesy of PICNIC-Foto, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

Online Couples Therapy: What Is It and What are the Benefits?

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Online couples therapy is a virtual counseling alternative that is conducted through a video conferencing service such as Zoom rather than in person. It enables you to meet face-to-face with a licensed mental health professional experienced in relationship counseling. You can use any device that has Internet access, such as your computer, smartphone, or tablet.

Sessions are very similar to traditional in-office counseling. You can see each other as you speak, and the counselor can view and interpret your facial expressions and body language. Studies indicate that in many cases online couples therapy can be just as beneficial as in-person counseling.

Benefits of online couples therapy

Convenient. In today’s busy world, booking an appointment for two people to consistently meet at the same time in the same place can be a real challenge. Online therapy sessions can be scheduled for when it’s most convenient for both of you and do not require any added travel time to and from.

Flexible. Scheduling and length of online counseling sessions can be more flexible than in-office visits, and you and your partner can log in from different locations. This makes it possible for you to attend sessions more regularly and consistently, which is key to the therapy’s effectiveness.

Easily accessible. Online therapy makes counseling accessible to people who are limited by a disability, housebound, or just stressed by driving or going out in public. Not having to leave the house may also make it easier to convince a reluctant spouse to participate.

Not limited by locality. Online therapy makes counseling available to people who live in remote or rural areas and have limited access to local therapists. Because geographical location is not an issue, it also enables people to maintain continuity while on vacation or a business trip and is a good option for couples in long-distance relationships. They can attend sessions together even when they are physically apart.

More natural environment. Online couples therapy enables the counselor to gain added insight into a couple’s home life. Observing them in their home environment allows the counselor to learn things about them that they might have missed in an office visit.

Eliminates social embarrassment. Access to therapy in the privacy of their home makes counseling an easier choice for couples who don’t want people to know they are having problems and/or who would otherwise avoid it due to concern about the stigma attached to mental health issues. With the availability of online couples therapy, they don’t have to visit a counselor’s office and risk being seen by someone they know.

Cost effective. Online counseling is typically less expensive. Therapists who have fewer overhead costs such as renting office space are often willing to offer affordable treatment options to couples not covered by health insurance. You also save on the cost of time and travel expenses by not having to leave your home.

Takes the pressure off. Access to online therapy eliminates burdens such as the stress of spending time in traffic, trying to carve time out of an overbooked schedule for the commute, erratic work schedules, and/or having to make childcare arrangements if you have children at home.

If you have questions or would like to set up an appointment with one of the counselors in our online directory, please give us a call.

Resources:

Kendra Cherry. “The Pros and Cons of Online Therapy.” Verywell Mind. Updated May 16, 2022. verywellmind.com/advantages-and-disadvantages-of-online-therapy-2795225.

Photos:
“Holding Hands”, Courtesy of Imam Muhaimin, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Looking Into Each Other’s Eyes”, Courtesy of Ryan Jacobson, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Questions for Building Emotional Intimacy

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Emotional intimacy can provide some of the most enriching and gratifying aspects of your life. When a relationship includes emotional intimacy, it can provide joy, comfort, and support. It is through emotional intimacy that you are able to strengthen the bond of the relationship and marriage even further,deepening your connection and allowing you to better understand what each other wants, needs, and desires.
In order to help you build emotional intimacy, we have compiled a list of questions you can ask each other. You can ask these questions in turn and at a time when you are both relaxed. You may be surprised at what you discover.

Questions to ask and how to ask them.

Keep in mind that you are merely asking questions, not interrogating your spouse. You can ask a question by leaning forward and making eye contact while waiting for the response. Like you would with your best friend, pay attention to the response and respond with as little judgement as possible. The goal is to make a safe space for the two of you to connect. When your spouse gives a nod or a smile, mirror his or her facial expressions and verbal cues.

Asking thought-provoking questions to build emotional intimacy.

When you begin a new relationship, or seek to grow a lasting marriage, you want to learn as much as you can about the other person. But sometimes you don’t know how to move from the lighter stories to the more serious topics. It can be difficult to get personal if you’ve never done so or are out of practice.
This list was created to help you get started and stress less about the “what” in talking. It’s okay to acknowledge the awkward feeling, and then remind yourself of the end goal—to get to know the other person (again).

With which member of your family do you feel closest?

This query can reveal a lot about a person’s family dynamics and the people he or she feels the safest around. This question doesn’t feel as probing or complicated as inquiries like “Tell me about your family” or “Did you have a happy childhood,” even if he or she had a complicated family or childhood.
You might also discover what makes someone feel loved or accepted. Is it because an aunt always listens? Is it because a sister or brother makes him or her laugh? Does he or she feel closest to mother because she never discounted his or her feelings?
Knowing how he or she experiences love will help you build a stronger foundation for your relationship. Additionally, it will take a lot of the guesswork out of what he or she needs from you.
Your relationship will struggle to advance if he or she doesn’t value it (or are even suspicious of it) in the way you may think you’re showing him or her your love.
On the other hand, you can make him or her feel safe and respected once you start expressing your love in the ways that he or she needs it.

What qualities do you think characterize a wholesome union?

Learn about his or her expectations for the relationship and what he or she considers to be healthy by exploring why your significant other admires those things about a relationship. You can also find out who has served as a good example of a relationship he or she aspires to emulate and if he or she sees that happening for the two of you.

What are you currently passionate about?

Learn what is important to your loved one and how he or she spends free time. Express interest in sharing his or her passion once you have learned about it. Don’t forget to acknowledge his or her enthusiasm!. You have the chance to be the one to support and encourage your significant other. This is something you don’t want to miss out on. We all appreciate support and encouragement, so being that for your spouse/significant other is important.
This doesn’t mean you have to change everything about yourself and spend all your time doing what the other enjoys. Instead, it means opening up to new things, within reason, and making a measurable effort to listen to, engage with, or physically show up and support the other person in these areas. If it is something you are not comfortable with, this is an important topic to explore further with your significant other.

Who in your life can you always rely on?

This person holds a significant place in his or her life. It may be a best friend from elementary school or a fun aunt or uncle. You can learn about your loved one’s struggles, successes, and even regrets by asking him or her to share some of the times the significant person came through for him or her.

What is something about you that most people don’t know?

To encourage your loved one to share something personal about himself or herself, ask a fun question. This question can help you both become more intimate by encouraging self-disclosure from the other person, whether they give you a humorous or serious response. Remember, judgement doesn’t have a place here when you are working to understand and listen to your significant other.

What is a flaw in another person that annoys you?

A person will be judgmental and critical of what he or she perceives to be a weakness. This is an intriguing question because it reveals things that person finds frustrating in other people (and in himself or herself). With this response, you’ll learn a little bit about what he or she values most.

What do you like to do best after work?

After work, does he or she always hang out with friends? Does he or she prefer returning home to unwind on the couch? Does he or she go to the gym or walk the dog every evening?
Learn what he or she does to unwind. This may reveal whether a person is more introverted or an extrovert who gets energized by being around other people. You might also gain some insight into his or her approach to dealing with stress, which can serve as a clue to their stress level in the future. Take this question as an opportunity to encourage your loved one by helping them engage in this activity at least once a week.
If it seems to be out of balance, happening most days of the week at the cost of other obligations or your own desires, you can follow up this question with: “How can I help you de-stress and enjoy coming home from work and still be a part of the family/still have some ‘us’ time now and then?”

What causes you stress?

Encourage your loved one to talk about stress while listening sympathetically. Ask, “What stresses you most about that,” if you don’t know why something is causing him or her stress. You’ll gain more insight into his or her reactions to his or her environment, both at work and at home, as a result. If he or she seems discouraged, think of ways to cheer him or her up.
It’s important to remember that just because someone has an unprocessed wound from the past, doesn’t mean that they are excused from growing and treating you well. But be aware that it might affect how he or she treats you, particularly if it isn’t a problem he or she is currently trying to solve.

What would be your ideal day?

Why not structure the ideal date around your loved one’s response to this question? You’ll demonstrate to him or her that you paid attention to what he or she had to say and that you don’t depend on him or her to always be catering to your desires.

How do you see our relationship honoring God?

This question allows your significant other to explore the triad that is evident between a husband, wife, and God. It gives a beat to redefine what is most important in the relationship. It also grants you the opportunity to hear what has been on your significant other’s mind spiritually.
What have you learned about relationships from your parents?
Answering this question sheds light on each other’s upbringing and lessons learned along the way. There’s a chance you may come across a nugget you’ve never heard before and add it to your annex of wisdom regarding your loved one.

When was the last time you cried?

This is an exercise in vulnerability. Sharing the moments that made you cry requires openness and trust. Take note of any emotional triggers or sensitive subjects.

Have your friendships taught you anything about romantic relationships?

Your friends are often the main constant in your life, especially childhood friends. Not only are they there for you when you are in relationships, they also count on you when they are in one themselves. There are many lessons to learn from these past friendships, and this question allows you to hear what has impacted your significant other’s perception of romance the most.

What does work-life balance mean to you?

The answer to this question speaks to the priorities your partner holds. Is money more or less important than spending quality time? Is he or she skewed more toward working hard or living life to the fullest?

What was the most surprising thing you learned about me?

People begin relationships by putting their best foot forward and presenting the best version of themselves. Over time, the façade evaporates, exposing some surprising aspects of their character, for better or worse.

When was the last time you laughed so much you cried?

This is a chance to explore each other’s sense of humor and share a laugh in the process.

In what ways do you think we’re similar?

Find out what your significant other believes the two of you share in common. You don’t have to be twins, but it’s always endearing to discover how much the other person perceives you are alike.

In what ways do you think we’re different?

Celebrate your individuality while you revel in your relationship. Healthy relationships are characterized by interdependence, not co-dependency.

What did you want to be when you were a child?

There’s a part of your childhood self that stays with you for life. Sharing your childhood dreams may seem irrelevant now, but it will bring you closer together.

Christian counseling for emotional intimacy.

It is our sincere hope that these questions help you build emotional intimacy with your romantic partner. If you still struggle with emotional intimacy in your relationship, you can contact us and schedule to speak with a Christian counselor. Your counselor can equip you with tools to strengthen your relationship and build the lasting intimacy you are seeking.

Photos:
“Loving Couple”, Courtesy of StockSnap, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Smiling Couple”, Courtesy of PeterpenPhoto, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “A Shoulder to Lean On”, Courtesy of Nathan Dumlao, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Bridge”, Courtesy of Shea Rouda, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Bible Verses About Marriage: God’s Vision and Instructions

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Marriage is not something man-made. It is the central theme of God’s Word, woven throughout the Scriptures. Following are some key Bible verses about marriage.

Key Bible Verses about Marriage

In the beginning

In the beginning, God created man (Adam) but said it was not good for him to be alone, so He created a woman (Eve) to be his helpmate. Both of them were created in God’s image, with equal dignity, but with complementary physiological and psychological differences.

The first marriage took place between them in the Garden of Eden. It was a covenant relationship between one man and one woman, united by God in a mysterious way that belongs to no other human relationship. They were to establish a family unit, and their loyalty was to be to each other before anyone else except God.

God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. – Genesis 1:27, ESV

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” – Genesis 2:18, ESV

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. – Genesis 2:24, ESV

But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” – Mark 10:6-9, ESV

When Adam and Eve disobeyed God and made way for sin and death to enter the world, God created a new picture of what marriage should look like by establishing a covenant relationship with the children of Israel. As part of the contract, He promised to be faithful and to set them apart as His holy people.

The Israelites were rebellious and frequently broke the covenant, but God remained faithful and was always willing to forgive them and take them back when they repented. Despite their many betrayals, He pursued them relentlessly, showing them mercy over and over.

So great was the depth of God’s love that He sent Jesus to die on the cross to redeem His people from their sins and restore their broken relationship with Him. By His death, Jesus became the living manifestation of the faithful bridegroom who was willing to give up His life for His beloved.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. – John 3:16, NIV

Through Jesus’ death and resurrection, a new covenant was formed to include people from every tribe, tongue, kindred, and nation. Everyone who believes in Him and receives Him as their Lord and Savior become part of the Body of Christ, destined to be united to Him as His bride.

Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear. – Revelation 19:7-8, NIV

God’s vision for marriage

As the following Bible verses about marriage show, God’s vision for marriage is for it to be a permanent bond that endures and that mirrors the covenant relationship between Christ and the Church. When husband and wife live in harmony and unity with God, their union becomes like a cord of three strands that nothing can overpower or damage

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him – a threefold cord is not quickly broken. — Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, ESV

Bible verses about marriage.

Both men and women are created in God’s image and are heirs together of eternal life. However, God appointed the husband to be the spiritual leader of the family and instructs the wife to affirm and receive this leadership for the harmonious working of the relationship. The husband, on the other hand, is commanded to treat his wife with love, respect, and understanding, and to show her special honor and care.

 

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.

He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church – for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband, — Ephesians 5:22-33, NIV

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. – Colossians 3:18-19, ESV

Husbands…be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gifts of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. – 1 Peter 3:7, NIV

More Bible verses about marriage

Consider some more Bible verses about marriage. There is no place for meanness or contempt between a husband and wife. Be patient and considerate of one another. You’ll make mistakes and your spouse will too. A happy marriage is the result of your commitment to be there for one another through the good times and bad, and to treat each other with love and respect.

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. – Romans 12:10, NIV

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. – Ephesians 4:2-3, NIV

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. – Ephesians 4:32, ESV

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. – 1 Peter 4:8, NIV

God designed marriage as the place for the expression of human sexuality.

But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does.

Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. – 1 Corinthians 7:2-5, ESV

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. – Hebrews 13:4, ESV

If you have questions, would like to learn more Bible verses about marriage, or would like to set up an appointment to see one of our faith-based counselors, please give us a call today.

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3 Ways to Save Your Marriage

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You are here because you want to save your marriage? Good for you! We are proud that you are not giving up so easily as many others do. The divorce rate is steadily increasing to 60% in many parts of the U.S. and sadly those are the ones that are being reported.

For example, my wife’s parents want a divorce, but they can’t afford it, so they have just agreed to separate. Their hearts, though, are divorced. There are many couples like that and despite the sad reality, we offer you a fresh way to look at your marriage in hopes to help you retake back that amazing relationship that God destined you to have!

3 Ways to Save Your Marriage

There are three C’s that we will be covering today: Compatibility, Compromising, and the most powerful one, Complimentary. These three stages of relationship maturity can help put some perspective to see where you are at in your marriage to see what is next for us to move on.

Sometimes having perspective can guide you in a gentle practical way that disarms both partners instead of having to make one of you the villain and the other the hero. My perspective has always been not to make one person the terrible monster but to understand the other person’s upbringing and what has transpired throughout the relationship that has aided both partners to be who they are today.

If there has been infidelity or betrayal, we don’t excuse that behavior by looking away. We confront it and deal with it so that there can be a resolution between both spouses, where appropriate. The 3 C’s are designed to help the partners in a relationship start a dialogue that will show them how they can move together to the next step.

Compatibility

Compatibility is a nice start to any relationship because it’s about sharing common interests. I’m sure both you and your partner were mutually attracted to each other. You both shared great moments that bonded you together.

Many couples love hiking, dancing, watching movies together, traveling, working on projects, they love pets, they have strong academic values, they want kids, they don’t want kids, etc. They have a common sharing that defines who they are that joins them together.

The riff between compatible people is when the sharing runs out. One spouse may like sports and that spouse may choose to watch ESPN instead of going on a date with their partner. That can cause tensions that turn into arguments. That same couple will then argue because the same spouse who loves watching sports may now want sexual intimacy but the spouse who was neglected will feel distant and say that they are tired.

By now I’m sure you see that these issues can slowly begin to turn a marriage into a rusty and withered relationship. How can compatibility save your marriage? This can save your marriage because you can talk to your spouse about how both of you had a great start but how you need to move forward. The start needs to be celebrated. Reflect on the enjoyable times you had together which will help you both to bond again.

It’s hard to stay angry when both of you reminisce about awesome times that both of you had. This can disarm the angriest of spouses and turn their cynicism to hope. Compatibility is not the complete answer, however, because no couple on this planet relies only on compatibility.

There will always need to be a sacrifice made to support the other spouse. Unfortunately, many couples end their relationship right at this step and don’t move beyond because the differences separate them to the point of no return. The good news is that it doesn’t have to end here and that it can mature and move on.

Compromising

We need to humble ourselves sometimes with big decisions so that as a couple we can mutually benefit. This is a noble perspective and helpful for compatible couples to understand. My wife and I use to argue about our dates which ended up ruining some of our Saturday nights. We made a pact to alternate our dates by giving each other two dates per month for us to coordinate.

When it was my turn, I would love to go to an open mall, eat some spicy food and then go see an action movie. Not the most romantic I know. When it was my wife’s turn, we would go to the beach and then eat dinner at sunset which was definitely romantic. We were able to learn about each other and appreciate how the other loved to have fun.

We learned to compromise which helped us to grow in our relationship before it got stale. Maybe your relationship is stale at this point, and it needs some saving. Most couples may be at this stage, which is a great step to be on, however, sometimes there are betrayals and hurts during this stage and we must compromise to make the marriage work. Many couples are in this stage because they have been dating and been married for years.

If you have suffered pain because of your spouse or both of you are in deep stuff my heart goes out to you. I want you to feel validated and supported by this article which may spark a talk between you and your partner to talk about this stage. You can talk about how you have compromised in certain areas in your relationship which can then uplift the marriage in its strengths.

A positive tone will help a lot with communication because it can win someone over. The main issue with the stage of compromise is that it can take you far but not all the way. It’s great to compromise however, one spouse may get burned out if they don’t have the constant refreshment.

Hebrews 3:12-13 says that our hearts need daily encouragement to remain soft. If we aren’t open and don’t encourage one another then it will take only a day to harden our hearts. Compromising also begs the spouse who is constantly sacrificing to request love in return. I sure feel that way when I sacrifice for my wife. If I help her with the home or take care of the car, I can expect favors in return.

However, she may not be so ready to return that love the way that I expect. I confess that it hurts, and I feel resentment in my heart, so I become quiet and resistant. It happens the other way around too. My wife may help me out with m projects or take care of responsibilities in the home and then she can expect me to be grateful for her efforts. Sometimes I don’t notice which hurts her and I let her down. Compromising is a great stage to be in, but it won’t be the stage to save your marriage.

Complimentary

I don’t mean complimentary as in saying compliments to your spouse. All though I highly recommend that you verbally compliment your partner to lift them up. I can testify that verbally complimenting my wife has helped our marriage so much. My wife feels acknowledged and honored in our home. You can never go wrong with that.

However, the real meaning of being a complimentary couple is being a couple who helps elevate each other. This perspective and lifestyle will save your marriage. It takes both of you, no matter the past or present, to get this right on point. One spouse trying this out may not get it done but it’s a start.

After a few weeks if you don’t see a change in your spouse please reach out for help. Therapy, couples’ groups, church retreats, classes, training, support groups, group dates, being ministered by a shepherding couple in your church, all these things can help support you and your spouse.

Before I get derailed, let’s go back to what a complimentary couple looks like. That couple is first willing to help and initiate help. This is a stark contrast to Compromising (the second of the 3 C’s), because with Compromising you must sacrifice. Most times, when we sacrifice, we aren’t willing. We sacrifice out of nobility or necessity. We may be talked into it or discipled into it. It’s not from our willing hearts.

Most of us sacrifice begrudgingly and hope for the best. With this last C, the Compromising couple serves and helps each other so that the couple is elevated. They are thinking “How can I help my spouse so both of us succeed?” This is an amazing perspective because both partners will feel inspired by the other to the point where both are going to try to outgive themselves in a healthy way.

Think about that vision for a moment. Both spouses work together to help elevate each other. What kind of marriage do you think they’ll have? It won’t be just a surviving marriage; it will be a thriving marriage! This is the secret to saving your marriage. Both of you must sit down, most likely with another couple, and process this vision to help both learn to inspire each other. This cannot be done alone. Both partners must work together so both of you can prosper.

Remember that none of these stages are bad. They are all good. The point of this article is to prepare you to have a fruitful discussion with your spouse about where both of you are. You may be tempted to think that both of you are in different stages. Please remember that it’s both of you together. So, both of you would be in the same stage.

Maybe one of you is ready to move on, but I strongly encourage that spouse to slow down and wait for the other spouse to catch up before moving on. This way doing the stages together will help the other spouse feel loved by you and ready to move forward. Once you identify which stage you are in then you will be ready to discuss how to take the appropriate steps for the next one.

The process of the 3 C’s will help disarm both of you and help ensure that you are taking the same steps onward as a couple. Have another couple walk with you in this way so that you have accountability and support if there are any riffs between you. My deepest conviction is that if you give the 3 C’s a try, it can show you where you are and help you see where you want to go. And that’s to be the best marriage you can be!

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church – for we are members of his body.

“For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. – Ephesians 5:21-33

Christian Marriage Counseling

If you’re looking for additional support, I invite you to contact me or one of the other counselors in the online counselor directory to schedule an appointment. It would be my pleasure to meet with you to help you not only save your marriage, but to strengthen it beyond what you’ve experienced before.

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Help! My Husband is a Sex Addict

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If you suspect that your husband is a sex addict, you have come to the right place to get some guidance. If he watches porn on the internet and uses his phone to look at inappropriate pictures of other women, you may be wondering whether there is hope. The good news is that there is — and not just any hope, but the hope of God.

Recall your wedding day. Remember both of you standing on the altar and looking into his eyes as he was saying to you that he would be faithful and loving until the day he dies. I am sure at this moment you don’t feel that at all and that is okay. This article is not to persuade you about your valid emotions.

This article is written to help you understand that those vows are more important now than ever! Your husband has his issues, but where there is love, there is a way to overcome hurt. Here is insight into how we can help your husband out so that we can do our best to salvage your relationship.

If Your Husband is a Sex Addict: How to Help

First, why is he indulging in this? Have you ever heard of the phrase “Hurt people, hurt people”? This statement means that if I am hurt, then obviously I am going to hurt others. Does it have to be that way? If everyone who is hurting, hurts others, this world would be even more tragic to live in.

God doesn’t want us to hurt others just because we are hurt ourselves. Your husband hurt you. He hurt you because he is hurting. It’s easy to say that porn addiction is disgusting and absurd. However, in Romans 3:23 the Bible states that sin is sin. Meaning that there’s no sin that’s greater than the other. They are all the same.

That is a tough pill to swallow especially when we are hurt. We may think that when we are hurt by loved ones, that their sin is greater than others. The truth is that all sin is offensive, and all sin is equal. In my ministerial work, this levels the playing field between spouses so that there’s no self-righteousness.

Your husband did an awful thing, and we are hoping and praying that he can get help so that he can heal – the single best thing for a sex addict to do. If we keep yelling at him, telling him that he is a monster, that will not do much. We can beat people over the head about their failures, but we must take a more effective approach.

Secondly, your husband needs you to be his greatest support. God is there with you all. The human being that needs him now more than ever is you. You have been an outstanding wife. You are a great mom, you cook and clean, you help pay the bills and do the dirty work around the home. You have grown in sexual intimacy with your husband and given him your best. You didn’t deserve this – you deserve better!

So, should you just quit, get a divorce, and move on? Maybe. You should fight for your husband’s sobriety. He needs your help, and one way we can help him to do find out why he is engaging in this pattern. Giving up on him will only tempt you to sexual sin, tempt him to struggle with sexual sin as well. Ninety-nine percent of men struggle with sexual sin and whether they admit that they are addicts or not is another conversation.

Men in America engage in sexual sin on an almost daily basis. There’s online pornography, Tik Tok videos, social media, movies, magazines, commercials, other women flirting with them, etc. It’s everywhere. The battle rages on! Some men have been able to manage it well and are on a maintenance plan. Some are having challenging times and giving in. Some have good months and then have some bad months.

There’s no exact science to this. You need to know that most men struggle with this and are battling with it. That doesn’t excuse the behavior, nor does it make it okay to continue in it. The point is that we give up only to meet someone else who will struggle with that same thing. That’s why we need to remember our vows – in sickness and in health.

Your husband’s addiction is a disease. It’s destroying his self-esteem, mental health, and most of all his relationship with you. Who is going to support him now? I hope it’s you. You can be there for him to listen to him and ask him deep questions on why he is behaving this way. You can ask him what his childhood was like and about his first sexual experiences. That can tell you a lot about why he is doing what he is doing.

Men are called pigs and dogs for engaging in this behavior but are rarely called heroes in their homes when they are faithful. Husbands are working hard and trying to do their best to support their families, yet they get the least encouragement from their loved ones. They hear complaining and bickering which makes them want to tune out. The most common way for a man to tune out is to tune in sexually.

At first, it may start as an innocent crush or curiosity. Later, however, it develops into a relentless cycle of addiction that leaves them hopeless. Men need to be built up and encouraged for them to feel safe enough to be open. I encourage any reader to ask that question to see how your husband would respond. He may cry or he may get angry but that’s the point. He is feeling stuff and not dealing with it.

So, the wife can see that her role is to support him and be genuinely vulnerable. Being vulnerable is not yelling or venting at him. Vulnerability is exposing your deepest insecurities which then would breed more vulnerability on his part. He needs to do his part also. You aren’t going to save him. That is Jesus’ job.

He needs to be open with other men to get help. The best solution for men to overcome their sexual addiction is to have other men challenge them and get them on a plan. I’m sure you wouldn’t want a random woman to help him unless she’s a trained professional. With that in mind, I would highly recommend that you aren’t his only support for this issue. A minister, a therapist, a men’s’ support group, an addiction recovery group could all help your husband.

He needs to be open in those groups with other men who are battling with this issue. Too many times, the wife can turn a blind eye, or overexert herself, or simply complain, but unfortunately, it leads to little productivity. The true change will be when another man or a few good men talk to your man face to face about his problem. There may be resistance at first, opposition and whining about it, too.

The good thing is that if you keep requesting him to get help, he may eventually do it. What if he doesn’t? Then I would recommend you join a co-dependency group or a woman’s support group to get help. You may be thinking to yourself, why me? You are not responsible for his mistakes.

Your example will be super humbling to him. Imagine yourself telling him, “If you don’t want to get help then I will.” On Tuesday prepare dinner for you and the kids and I will meet with the ladies for support.” You don’t do it out of retaliation or spite, but because you are fighting for your relationship. He may hold his cards and remain tough. But while you are away, there will be no doubt that you will be on his mind. He will be humbled to get help.

Over time, he may give in and be curious about getting help. This step empowers you, but it also frees you from being a victim. You are not a victim! I will say it again, you are not a victim! You are a noble woman of God who is experiencing what many other women have or are currently experiencing in their lives.

That idea is freeing because some women lose hope that anything will change. The change will occur when changes are made. A tiny step can lead to an adventure. Someone must take the first step. Scary as it may be, it is necessary. Your husband may follow you because humility often breeds humility. Often, when the family takes a step in one direction the rest will soon follow behind.

If the worst happens, and he refuses to get help from anyone, then you have some choices to make. You can get advice from those closest to you on how to conduct a major intervention to get his attention. Some ideas can include, having friends visit him at the home, the family making a video for him, or individuals from your church writing him letters.

As a minister, I never would tell someone to leave someone but taking a vacation so he can marinate on his thoughts could also be helpful. Staying with your parents for a weekend could help wake him up. Please tell him beforehand so that he isn’t taken by surprise. That would not be beneficial. The time away may help awaken the true love you both have for each other.

Let’s do a quick recap. His sin is his sin. You are not at fault. You can be his biggest cheerleader through this tough time. You can be curious and ask questions about his childhood and why he could be hurting.

Hurt people hurt people, so try to figure out what he is trying to escape and avoid. Often, men watch porn because they want relief and gratification. It may not be that he doesn’t love you or find you attractive, it may simply be that he is looking for an escape.

Porn and sex addiction is a deep issue and needs to be addressed by other men so your husband can be challenged and held accountable. Sometimes interventions can help, and space is needed. All interventions should be done with respect and lots of guidance and support. Hopefully, these tips can lead you to a breakthrough in your marriage with your loved one! Don’t forget those vows! They are precious!

If you need additional help, please feel free to contact me or one of the other counselors listed in the counselor directory to schedule a counseling appointment. We would be more than happy to help.

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Looking for Love: How to Overcome Emotional Affairs

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Have you ever heard of the phrase, “Looking for love in all the wrong places”? It’s a phrase we throw around to our peers when we casually talk about a hopeless romantic who may be searching for love in areas where they will not find true love, such as emotional affairs. This idea of true love is what many are searching for.

Think about the following: fame, fortune, popularity, success, power, family, and so forth. Why do we want all these things? We want them because we want to be loved. Maybe we won’t admit it but at the end of the day, we work hard because we are searching for that endless love. There are some interesting proverbs in the Bible that support this.

What a person desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar. – Proverbs 19:22

Many claim to have unfailing love, but a faithful person who can find? – Proverbs 20:6

Unfailing love is what we all want right? That comfort of knowing that your partner or loved one wants to prioritize you and to hold you dearly. We look forward to that warmth and affection with our partners because it makes us feel so special. I remember the first few dates I went with my wife Nicole how easily I had butterflies in my stomach. I couldn’t help it.

My emotions and thoughts just overwhelmed me with this notion that I wanted to be with Nicole and no one else. Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, birthdays, vacations, holidays are all special because we cherish these moments with those we genuinely love.

The flip side to that coin also is that we want a partner who is willing to be tried and true with us. Forgiving one another, being patient, understanding, supplying encouragement and support are all aspects of when things aren’t as blissful. We prefer that our partners work with us during challenging times and not give up on us when we royally mess it up.

So good or bad, we want true love that overrides all situations. Those two proverbs aren’t there by accident. They are there to provide insight into how we think and to bring to the forefront what our mission is. Our mission isn’t to be right, or to amass wealth, or to be famous. The goal is to find the cherished love that is so evasive at times. The question is how are we searching for this love?

2021 will be a year of growth for many of us and I’d dare say that growing in our relationships is a very top priority for many of us. 2020 brought hurt and discouragement for many of us also. Addiction grew, domestic violence went up, many betrayals surfaced because the pandemic of COVID-19 exposed our true natures.

One of those exposures may have been emotional affairs. Some may have caught their partners watching pornography on the internet. Others could have wondered why their finances were disappearing and still others may have been that substance abuse was uncovered. However, emotional affairs may explain why you are reading this article.

Maybe you were the partner that was affected by a spouse who connected with someone online in an inappropriate way. Maybe your partner has a bad habit of being flirtatious with the opposite gender with certain staff at a certain establishment which pains you to see. Despite bringing it up you may get accused of overreacting.

Another possibility is that maybe you or someone who is in an emotional affair and you’re wondering if you’ve gone too far. This article interested you because you are at a crossroads in your relationship, and you may have ventured out of the boundaries in an emotional relationship and now you are contemplating on what you are going to do.

Lastly, you could be a friend of someone who is either a victim or a perpetrator and you want to help them out. I applaud you along with our readers for your noble heart to research and understand ways to help your friends potentially stay together for the long haul. Not sure where you are at in this, but you’ve come to the right place to get some extra resources that can help them lovingly and spiritually.

What’s Wrong with Emotional Affairs?

Why are emotional affairs wrong? I want to tackle this first because some may say “there’s nothing physical so what’s the issue?” Indeed, an emotional relationship may not include any physical involvement but there’s a reason it hurts our partners. When we enter a relationship, we may not show our deal-breakers upfront. So, some partners may think they can enjoy their relationship if there’s nothing physical with someone else.

It’s kind of a taboo thing but nothing that could have enough substance to become a deal-breaker. We may point out that the Bible says that the only three ways out of a marriage are death, adultery, or abandonment. As an evangelist in my church, I can agree with that. However, emotional affairs cause major disruption in your marriage.

Think about it this way, would you want someone to be with you at the altar ready to say, “I do” only to hear them state that they will only be faithful to you “99% of the time”? No one would accept that. We want our partners to genuinely love us 100% of the time. It would be insulting to have dinner with your spouse only for them to be daydreaming of some crush they have.

Emotional relationships are a matter of the heart and that’s what needs to be addressed. Jesus calls this out as “matters of the heart”:

For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come – sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance, and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person. – Mark 7:21-23

Jesus is calling out these physical issues, but he is addressing them from the perspective of the heart. Usually, perpetrators of emotional relationships state that they were reacting to someone else flirting or making advances. The perpetrator needs to understand that those boundaries aren’t to be crossed because something that has no strong boundary needs to be questioned.

We have doors in our home, locks on our windows, alarms for our cars, codes, and passwords to our computers for what reason? It’s to protect what we cherish. We protect what we love. If the boundaries are off, then we invite danger to our most intimate places and Jesus takes the ax to the root by saying that we need to look at our heart.

Adultery doesn’t just happen, it evolves, and these scriptures point out that it started within us. It could be why in the gospel it says that the most important commandment is to love our Lord with all our Heart, Soul, Mind, and Strength. God wants all of us. He doesn’t accept partial love.

That expectation makes sense to me because I don’t want my wife to be thinking of some guy who flirted with her at the supermarket earlier that day. If we are having dinner, I want her to be present with me. We all want that. Should that situation arise, my wife has some great women in her life with whom she can be open about that temptation. She can seek input from women who will follow up with her and pray to God for her to be victorious in that area of her life.

The same thing goes for me. If I am tempted, I can call a brother in Christ who can listen and provide me with input so that I can tackle this from the beginning instead of it running ramped in my heart. Remember that these expectations are supposed to be high because we are searching for unfailing love. Our partners deserve to have us be present with them in mind, body, and soul.

Tips for Overcoming Emotional Infidelity

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a solid approach for confronting emotional affairs. A foundational core principle of CBT is that it helps us understand the relationship between our thoughts, emotions, and actions. Anyone who is either a victim or perpetrator of emotional affairs should seek professional help to confront this at once to salvage their relationship.

A trained Cognitive Behavioral Therapist can validate your struggles from the start because they want to listen to your story without judgment. Does this mean that the perpetrator can be validated as well? Absolutely. As professionals, we are not here to take sides. Our goal is to provide you with tools to discover what is going on and work together to move forward in healthier ways.

Most Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFT) are trained in some form or fashion to provide CBT because it is one of the most widely used approaches for therapy. One of the main reasons it is widely used and accepted is because it deals with problems from the inside and out. Adultery is physical which means in CBT language that it can be labeled as an action.

But how would you go about an emotional affair? Can people just sweep it under the rug? Not with CBT. It can be classified as an emotional issue. The therapist would not just focus on emotions but would help the client process their thoughts behind their emotions and what actions they took.

With CBT it all works together. Not one part is left out. Interestingly, the gospels say that if we are to love the Lord then we need to do it all with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. There is no shortcutting this process.

This approach is excellent for those who have been hurt by emotional infidelity because they feel the pain of being betrayed. They can explore those feelings and realize past trauma tied into the current hurt. The process continues as to what they are thinking and possible actions they can take to empower themselves. This is one of many possible approaches but in my work with hundreds of clients, I can’t think of a better approach.

Here are some tips to overcome emotional affairs based on the CBT approach that would include Thoughts, Emotions, Actions (T.E.A.) dialogue:

Thoughts

What thoughts are we processing? This is crucial to start with because so many times we rush to the evidence (phone, internet, talks, etc.) Once an emotional affair has been discovered, we need to ask both partners what they are thinking. One may think that the relationship is over. But is that true? Many people have different emotions, and they stem from what we think.

We don’t condone the affair, but we must try to listen to what our thought process was like to get to the root, recalling Jesus’ words to focus on the heart. The injured party should also voice insecurities, betrayal, shame, embarrassment, etc. The party who was emotionally unfaithful should be a great listener and confirm their partner’s thought process as well.

Remember this rule, if you do something or feel something, you must have thought of it beforehand. Unfaithfulness of any kind is not to be dismissed as a reaction incident. The mind played a role all along.

Emotions

What are we both feeling? What goes on inside of us internally is something to be appreciated. We love romance, zeal, and passion. Those same emotions can but in two ways because someone who is charismatic could also be a big-time flirt. So, we need to address our emotions and validate them further recognizing that emotions are tools and not weapons.

Validation by all parties, the partners, support, and the therapist are crucial. There is no such thing as crazy emotions. The betrayer should allow ample time for the hurting individual to gather their emotions and join in their mourning. This can be a painstaking process but one that leads to success more times than not.

Actions

The whole story must be told. This may sound unfair to the one who is betrayed but it is paramount that both spouses share their entire story of what happened without judgment. We don’t need to be sentimental with the party who committed the infidelity, but we need to understand what is going on in their hearts.

Sharing your story will cause discomfort but it will help the healing process the more times you share it. Get help and support. You don’t need to tell the world but view it as an opportunity to empower yourself. Recommit yourselves to one another, set up boundaries, and have weekly accountable times with your support system.

In conclusion, I want to say that no flaw is fatal. People who either commit emotional affairs or are betrayed by them can still recover and do well. We can make some terrible mistakes, but the grace of Jesus helps us during those crucial times. These are hurtful times but if we seek help and support there’s no telling of what incredible progress we can make as couples.

Photos:
“Admiring the View”, Courtesy of Paola Chaaya, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “God is Love”, Courtesy of Hassan Saleh, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Watching the Bay”, Courtesy of Charlie Foster, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Just Married”, Courtesy of Desiree Fawn, Unsplash.com, CC0 License