How to Keep a Mindfulness Journal

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A mindfulness journal is an effective tool for identifying thought and behavioral patterns by recording your thoughts and feelings. The practice is low-budget, accessible, and freeing.

Why keep a mindfulness journal?

A mindfulness journal allows you to pause, take a step back, and reassess where you are and your frame of mind. It gives you a safe space to express yourself without judgment. You do not have to share your mindfulness journal with anyone. If you decide to share your mindfulness journal, your counselor can look over it to help you identify patterns.

Tips for Starting a Mindfulness Journal

Although it may seem uncomfortable at first to write in a mindfulness journal, try the practice for a month or more. When you write, allow yourself to be free with your words. You can write about anything bothering you, things you are grateful for, or prayers to God. You can write about your dreams for the future or set goals.

You decide what you want to write about. Give yourself the time to get your thoughts out onto paper. Aim for at least 10 or 15 minutes at each session.

Choose a notebook or journal

Although many people choose to use a device for journaling, paper can provide you with a distraction-free environment and help lower anxiety levels by simply unplugging. Choose a notebook or journal book. It doesn’t have to be expensive or of a particular size, just accessible to you. A pencil or pen will work, although you may want to choose one that expresses your personality.

Schedule a time

To remember to journal, schedule a time in your day. Make mindful journaling part of your routine by habit stacking. For example, maybe you choose to journal in the morning while enjoying your first cup of coffee. Try journaling at bedtime after your evening shower or bath. Consistency will help you form the new habit.

Define your intention

You can use your journal for any purpose, but setting the intention helps focus your mind and keep you on point. Perhaps you plan to use your mindfulness journal to record a weight loss journey. You would want to record your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors surrounding your meals and snacks, record workouts and other activities, and other factors that lead to weight loss.

If your goal is to lower stress, then you can record thoughts and worries, as well as any solutions that come to mind.

Write without distraction

Journaling can happen anywhere, but you should choose a place that is relatively quiet and without distractions to focus on entries. If you have children, write during their naptimes, at bedtime, or while they are quietly playing in the room. If you work outside of the home, consider a quieter spot for lunch to journal.

Look for thought or behavioral patterns

Every few weeks, review your journal entries without judgment and take note of any thoughts or behavioral patterns. Consult with a counselor if you notice any that require a change. A counselor can help you reframe your thoughts to change your emotions and behaviors.

Christian Counseling in Huntington Beach, CA

If you are looking for more tips or need suggestions for a mindfulness journal, contact our office today to schedule an appointment with a Christian counselor in Huntington Beach, California. The counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling specialize in a variety of issues that affect men, women, and children, combining evidence-based techniques with faith-based principles. Call or click today to get started.

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How to Find the Best Therapist for You: Qualities That Make a Counselor Qualified

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I’ve gotten these questions as a therapist from several pending clients in many different situations over the years:

  • Are you an expert on this issue?
  • Have you worked with this before?
  • Are you just a regular professional therapist?
  • I’m not sure if you could help, can you?

It is a good question to ask. And a question coming from a pragmatic, caring heart, as you want yourself or someone you love, not to waste time but to experience healing and growth. So, in this article, I want to provide some introduction to what you can probably expect your therapist to know and how likely they are to help.

Therapist Training

Let’s first talk about the knowledge and training a therapist gains from the ground up, and what you can generally come to accept as standard for your experience across the board.

There are three basic differentiations for therapists by experience and training, like the levels in carpentry, which look like

  • Apprentice
  • Journeyman
  • Master carpenter

Therapist training levels are:

  • Trainee: like an apprentice learning the trade, supervised often by professors
  • Associate therapist: like a journeyman gaining experience, full-time practitioners, gaining supervision by professional therapists, often still pre-licensed
  • Licensed therapist: like a master carpenter, working under own license

This is the marriage and family therapy model of training classification, whereas other counseling professionals, like clinical counselors, social workers, and psychologists, may have slightly different education and classification than MFTs.

Like any profession, you can have brilliant and skilled technicians or not-so-brilliant or skilled practitioners at any level of training. But let’s start with trainees and ask the questions: Are you an expert, have you seen this, and can you help?

As a trained therapist trainee, one has received a variety of education and training around areas as diverse as child psychology and the study of aging along the lifespan, abnormal psychology regarding the study of all types of mental illnesses, and the study of what makes romantic partnerships and personal lives thrive and blossom versus fail.

All trainees have been reared in a number of different theories and philosophies, looking at what causes problems in human functioning. They are also trained in vehicles of change for the betterment of quality of life and the factors in therapy that are conducive to that growth.

You can have appointments with trainees and work with them, generally for lower fees than associates or licensed therapists, and specific benefits can range from their recent academic scholarship and research, the supervisors who really invest in their maturation, and so you have two brains working behind your care.

Trainees are often tremendously gifted individuals by nature who apply some of the common factors beautifully, as well as begin to grow more knowledge of certain specialized treatments.

Below are some of the common factors that describe what therapy looks like in every office and are generally considered factors that contribute to many healing outcomes:

Common Factors

Support

  • Catharsis
  • Identification with therapist
  • Mitigation of isolation
  • Positive relationship
  • Reassurance
  • Release of tension
  • Structure
  • Therapeutic alliance
  • Active participation of both therapist and client
  • Therapist expertise
  • Therapist warmth, respect, empathy, acceptance, genuineness
  • Trust

Learning

  • Advice
  • Affective experience
  • Assimilating problematic experiences
  • Cognitive learning
  • Corrective emotional experience
  • Feedback
  • Insight
  • Rationale
  • Exploration of the internal frame of reference
  • Changing expectations of personal effectiveness

Action

  • Behavioral regulation
  • Cognitive mastery
  • Encouragement to face fears
  • Taking risks
  • Mastery efforts
  • Modeling
  • Practice
  • Reality testing
  • Experiencing success
  • Working through

Therapists at all levels will be trained to apply these modes of thinking, feeling, relating, teaching, and modeling, which means most interactions, when things fit, are examples of dealing with an expert in modeling and shaping changed thinking, feeling, communicating, and behaving at some level.

Trainings And Credentials

Therapists at all levels can receive specialized training (as permitted by the presenters). In fact, I took training this last year for an evidence-based couples therapy approach that had me surrounded by psychologists with PhD’s, licensed MFTs, associates, trainees just beginning to see clients for the first time, many saying keenly insightful things.

Some training and methods can teach you theories that are evidence-based (meaning research studies have proven effective in achieving positive outcomes) or can have you trained in subject matter as general as child psychology or as specific as trauma-focused therapy with veterans.

Other training can lead to certification and credentials such as CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist), Addiction certified through organizations like National Certified Addiction Counselor, NAADAC, EMDR certified, or Gottman method certified, and those who pursue them often spend years and thousands of dollars on those specialties.

That shows a passion and a commitment to that subpopulation, which is a good sign if you’re a client (and probably means you’ll need to pay more for their services).

The next level of general training every therapist must progress to is that of an associate therapist. After a trainee graduates from their graduate program and has seen hundreds of hours of clients by then, they then apply for an associate number to begin seeing clients under the tutelage of a supervisor in a professional and paid relationship.

Therapists in this stage gain even more hours and end up with upwards of 1200 face-to-face session hours with a supervisor coaching them before and after, and countless more hours learning the trade, amounting to at least 3000 hours of training. Associates, on top of education, amass a lot of real training in the field.

Many of these associate therapists work in agencies or private practices under the license of their supervisor, so they are well monitored and guided by those supervising licensed therapists. During this time, they must acquire training in telehealth, ethics, suicide, and risk assessment, and often do many hours of extra training in these topics.

For example, the agencies I worked with during my associate period trained me intensively in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which is a model that largely helps clients who are dysregulated internally regulate, make effective choices, and increase mindfulness and flexibility.

I also was taught Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral therapy, which taught a method of working with traumatized children to assist them to grow in the ability to deshame themselves, notice their feelings and sensations, and process trauma in a suitable way that left them more able to continue with their lives. Then, with this trauma, I was able to implement the tools and techniques of those models and then be shaped and molded by my supervisors into a more adept practitioner with those tools.

What is the scope of competence versus the scope of practice?

Terms you may hear from a therapist are.

“That is not in my scope of practice.”

This means the therapist, and any therapist at any level or professional title, would not be equipped to deal with. To exaggerate, filing your taxes, giving you legal advice, or telling you how to reconstruct your porch would be out of a therapist’s scope of practice. However, it is harder to identify discrepancies would be giving medical advice, or usually prescribing medication (unless the therapist is a psychiatrist

What is within the scope of practice is trained listening, encouragement, discernment, interpersonal skill building, self-regulation skill building, insight development, crisis management, mindfulness, and thought process change toward truthfulness

“That is within my scope of competence!”

This means the topic that you are bringing to the therapist is one that the therapist is well versed in and trained or experienced in more than the average therapist. For example, all therapists are trained to assist family members in healthier discussions, etc., but some therapists have a greater scope of competence than others, maybe to assist a family member dealing with a son with severe mental illness, which a different therapist might not be as competent in handling

The last level of training is being licensed in your therapy field, such as a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), or licensed professional clinical counselor (LPCC). After completing the required hours and your associate phase, a therapist of any sort is now granted the privilege, in distinction from the professional boards of their state and or professional organizations, to conduct therapy on their own.

If the famous anthropologist Malcolm Gladwell is close to the truth about 10,000 hours of practice making someone an expert in something, then including the associate time of 3000 hours plus many hours of undergraduate and graduate education, any licensed therapist is pretty close or at least halfway to being an expert, or at least a skilled professional at handling mental, emotional, and social issues adeptly for the client.

And many issues overlap, and initial reasons for coming to therapy can often lead both the therapist and the client to see that there are other underlying things to be worked on. Therapists who engaged in different ways of becoming experienced can often see problem areas where they can apply what they know from different angles, whether it be a more researched approach, common sense, or general intuition and skillfulness at the therapist’s springs.

I, for example, have been shaped through training in different methods, life experience, overall years of clinical experience, outside interests in readings, psychological concepts, and how much time in my faith, reading the Bible, listening to sermons, and community, which speaks to the human experience.

So perhaps I may have a potential client who says their child with high functioning autism is really struggling and isolating due to social pressures in junior college as a forty-year-old attempting to be more self-sufficient.

I’ve never worked with a forty-year-old with autism, and I’m not considered an expert who has had countless training sessions and hours of experience. However, I know the client will need emotional regulation, some interpersonal skills, some acceptance and understanding of where to push to accept limits, and family support, just through general awareness and experience

Hopefully, I’ve been able to show the spectrum of the kind of helpful care you will receive and things that you can look for and ask for to gain greater clarity. Overall, seeing anyone at any level in this field, it is likely you will be meeting with someone knowledgeable who can provide adequate supervision of your care.

Photos:
“Counseling”, Courtesy of SHVETS production, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Counseling”, Courtesy of Polina Zimmerman, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Group Counseling”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Counseling” Courtesy of Andrej LiĆĄakov, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Healing from Body Shame

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Many people struggle with body image issues. “Body image is a combination of the thoughts and feelings that you have about your body.” In a UK study from 2019, it showed that “one in five adults (20%) felt shame, just over one-third (34%) felt down or low, and 19% felt disgusted because of their body image in the last year.”

Body image issues can lead to other significant mental health problems, such as eating disorders, depression, suicidal ideation, and anxiety disorders. Body image and body shame are a bit different, because people can have a healthy or positive body image. Body shame is a newer term, and it’s different from body-shaming, which is making fun of someone or mistreating them because of some flaw (real or perceived) on their body.

Body shame is treating yourself that way – feeling and believing your body isn’t good for whatever reason and mistreating yourself because of that. Mistreating it could look like extreme diet and exercise, talking badly about it, having eating disorders, excessive plastic or corrective surgeries, problematic drug or alcohol use, engaging in high-risk sexual activity, hiding your body, or not giving it what it needs for health.

Body shame could originate from several things. Past trauma (especially sexual), but also emotional and physical abuse, can lead to debilitating body shame. Being bullied or teased as a child and young adult and being compared to others with different body types, can cause it. Constant social media or pictures of celebrities with “ideal” body types, perpetual and unwanted singleness, or a lot of unwanted romantic or sexual attention can also lead to body shame.

This is an issue with which so many struggle, and they are scared to talk about it. But it’s possible to begin healing from body shame, to begin seeing your body as good, no matter what it looks like. This article will only scratch the surface, and professional counseling may be the best route to work through all of it, but these are some steps to heal from body shame.

Healing from Body Shame

As you work through these steps, jot your feelings and thoughts down in a notebook. If you decide to get counseling for body shame, this notebook will help facilitate discussions between you and your counselor.

Create a timeline of the history of body shame

When was the first time you felt shame about your body or being in your own skin? Write out every single moment that stands out from childhood until now, every moment that you felt like you hated or despised your body. Think about the reason what that experience meant to you. Was it abusive in any way? Was it traumatic? Name everything that comes to mind.

Think about how you were hurt/ what you felt then

As you do this, with each memory, consider what you felt in that moment. Di you feel confusion, shame, embarrassment, loneliness, sadness, or anger? What did you feel then and what do you feel now as you remember? How was this situation hurtful? What was so hurtful about it?

What did you believe then

Next, think about what you believed then about the situation, the other people involved, and your body. This could have been the result of something someone said or how they acted toward you, but what belief began to take root? Were there any times you believed positive things about your body? When was that and what was that like?

What do you believe now

What do you believe now? Do you believe any of those negative things about your body today? Why or why not? Do you believe any positive things? What are those positive things? What do you like and dislike about your body? Name it all, no matter how difficult this may be. It’s important to be completely honest with yourself about it because honesty and vulnerability are ways people can heal from any type of shame.

Center on truth

Just because you think it doesn’t make it true, and just because someone said it to you or about you doesn’t make it true. What is true is that your body is good. When God made man and woman, he said they were good. That doesn’t just include their souls. It means everything, body and soul. It’s possible to begin believing your body is good, no matter its state or how it looks.

Truth doesn’t ignore the unhealthy things, though. If your body is unhealthy in any way, it’s important to recognize this truth and not ignore it. But you don’t want to slip into extreme mistreatment of your body because of negative thoughts and feelings. You want to center on the truth that your body is good.

Work toward forgiveness of those who’ve hurt you

It’s never okay to mistreat someone because of their body shape, size, or anything about their appearance. This is body-shaming and often abusive. Most of the time, it’s because of something someone did or said to you that led you to feel shame about your body. You’ve been able to identify what it was that hurt you most.

Now it’s time to move toward forgiveness. They might not have ever apologized for the wrong they did to you and may never. But holding that hurt and anger toward them will only hurt you more. It’s time to be free of the hold they have on you. Spend time practicing forgiveness.

Write out “I forgive _________ for ____________” in your journal, then speak each one out loud. It may take months or years to forgive repeatedly, but it’s an important step in your healing.

Move toward acceptance and healthy self-care

Self-acceptance and self-compassion are the highest goals here, because compassion is another way to break through shame. Spend some time treating your body as though it were good. Write positive affirmations on your mirror. Keep those same affirmations around your home or where you see them often. Tell them to yourself over and over again. Look in full-length mirrors at yourself and smile at yourself in the mirror.

Buy (and wear) clothes that flatter your body. Take good care of your body by eating healthy and exercising regularly. Prioritize rest. Moderate your alcohol consumption and don’t misuse substances. The goal here is not to be military-like, obsessive, or even shallow with yourself, but to treat your body as if it were good. What would it mean for you to accept the fact that your body is good and for you to treat it that way?

Set boundaries with people who continue to mistreat you

This may be one of the hardest steps because you’ll have to confront people. It’s only worth it to do this with people whom you want to remain in your life. You can share with them how you felt (or feel) when they said or did (or present tense) whatever hurts you and leads you to feel shame about your body. “I feel ____ when you _____.” Or “please stop saying ______ about my body. I don’t like it, and it makes me feel ______.” Or “I’m choosing to believe the best about myself.”

If they are presently saying negative things about your body, it will be up to you to stand up for yourself. This is a way of treating your body like it’s good. Consider what boundary you’d like to put in place. For example, never talk about physical appearance with a specific person or not shopping with that person. It could be that you decide to only talk positively about your body and others’ bodies around that person.

Whatever your boundary, you’ll need to communicate it to the one who keeps hurting you. If that person continues to disrespect the boundaries you have in place, you may choose to spend less time with them altogether. They aren’t proving to be safe people, and it’s difficult to heal from body shame with unsafe people in your life. Meeting with a counselor can help you know how to set boundaries with others to protect yourself from further shame.

Body shame doesn’t have to ruin your life. You can fight back. You can heal and believe your body is good, and you can treat it like it’s good, too. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help from a compassionate counselor so you can fully heal from body shame.

References:
https://nedc.com.au/eating-disorders/eating-disorders-explained/body-image/
https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/publications/body-image-report/exec-summary#:~:text=New%20body%20image%20statistics,-New%20online%20surveys&text=One%20in%20five%20adults%20(20,image%20in%20the%20last%20year.

Photos:
“Woman on the Beach”, Courtesy of Dan Torres, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Woman on the Beach”, Courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Woman on the Beach”, Courtesy of Darko Trajkovic, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Weight of the World: Exercising Self-Compassion with Weight Issues

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For many years, managing weight issues has focused on getting smaller as the primary goal. In a society that emphasizes appearance, we attach feelings of worth and attractiveness to our weight. In the process of reaching for an ideal derived from an unrealistic, outside standard, we injure ourselves.

Dieting that depletes and exercising to exhaustion are not the only culprits. The battle begins in our minds when we use shame to punish ourselves for enjoying food or belittle ourselves when we do not work out. This mindset hinders us from moving toward the goal we desire. The result is we accumulate more baggage internally and additional weight externally.

We are pulled into perpetuating cycles of shame and regret. We cause physical damage to ourselves by denying essential nutrition or overworking our bodies to compensate for our choices. Instead of celebrating wins and receiving compassion, we trap ourselves in behavior patterns that internalize shame and sometimes project it onto others.

Unpacking Weight Issues: Practical and Spiritual Insight

Our appearance may not always reflect the inputs made in our weight loss journey. Every metabolism differs. We must pay attention to other measures such as blood pressure and glucose levels which may offer a snapshot that differs from our preferred clothing size.

Our medical teams may support us by establishing healthy and realistic goals, based on the information gathered. They may also share relevant insight about the combination of exercise, eating practices, and medical interventions that work for where we are in life.

Physical health is important. Weight issues are known to exacerbate many preventable ailments. However, weight alone is not the only significant indicator of one’s health status. Consult with your healthcare providers to better understand your particular body.

When the focus is on the negative, we lose sight of the positive aspects of navigating weight issues. We forget or perhaps never considered that we can enjoy the journey of learning to eat well and exercise without judgment and penalty. Moving toward better health requires a mindset change, choosing to embrace the benefits beyond appearance.

Movement promotes comprehensive rewards, not only the result of modifying our appearance, but also in the process that affects us internally through healthy esteem, reduced stress, better heart rate, increased energy level, and improved sleep quality.

When we couple movement with fresh perspective, we elevate its impact. For example, when we work out with a friend, we receive the benefit of shared time, encouragement, and accountability that transforms healthy habits into a lifestyle.

With God, our workout upgrades routine exercise into a worship experience that nurtures the spirit while recharging the body. When it comes to weight issues, exercise plays a role in our resilience and builds us up physically, while multiplying benefits for our mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

Getting to the Root

Weight often accumulates as a result of a deeper issue. When we use food to cope and comfort unresolved pain, we hide and shield ourselves from the One who can heal. As with many addictions, we cover ourselves with the substance or focus of our craving to then cloak in shame, not wanting to be seen.

This reminds us of the Garden where Adam and Eve sinned against God. Their choice grieved them and God, forcing them into the shadows instead of bringing their hearts into the light with Him. We repeat those errors, born out of ignorance and our own volition. These heart matters require a natural and spiritual resolution.

Self-compassion is where we begin to heal the natural and spiritual. Part of this includes treating ourselves as God does. He does not punish us for a missed workout or insult us for additional portions, but rather releases kindness to redeem what is lost and move us forward in hope and strength.

The lord appeared to us in the past, saying: “i have loved you with an everlasting love; i have drawn you with unfailing kindness. – Jeremiah 31:3, NIV

The Worth Factor

Where does this hateful attitude originate? It comes from the accuser who overwhelms us. He prompts us to seek solace with foods that offer temporary comfort. Then, he blames us, needling us with harmful thoughts. If this is not how God treats us, why do we tolerate it?

We wrongly believe that we deserve it and punish ourselves as a result. As the accuser, the enemy wants to berate us and thwart our progress. When we indulge negative thoughts, feelings, and actions, we sabotage our own journey. What is left for the enemy to do if he has persuaded us to align with his mission to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10)? We do that when we speak punitively to and about ourselves.

If we want to shift the way we manage weight issues, we must come into agreement with what will propel us forward in triumph with God.

Three Agreements for Change

Agree to see yourself the way God sees you. The Word of God is a mirror. Choose to perceive yourself through the eternal lens, thinking and speaking about yourself in the same way as God. Begin with the Bible’s truth to discover His heart for you and include this in your self-talk, as you read scripture aloud and affirm it over yourself.

Whether you have wrestled with weight issues as a result of health circumstances, life changes, or as long as you can remember, it does not matter. Your identity remains as one who is created with unique purpose (Ephesians 2:10).

Agree to let your food be your medicine, not your drug. There is a difference. Allow its macro and micronutrients to heal and answer your body’s hunger and need. Use food to gratify an appetite, not to fill a void. Do not allow shame attached to weight and addiction issues to taunt you or stuff your pain in secret. One of the first steps is to partner with God to receive His compassion and reset our self-concept with His Word.

We can cultivate enjoyment of the flavors and textures of food that God has placed in the earth (1 Timothy 6:17). Healthy lifestyle information may be readily available through classes, friends and family, websites, support groups, or cookbooks. These resources demonstrate and inspire us to blend creativity and fun into fresh approaches that feeds and move us from the inside out.

We can invite God and others into an experience that pleases our palates and mutually fills. Satisfaction emerges to not only savor our food experience, but also, to offer moments with God and memories with those He is placed in our lives.

Agree to embrace the future and hope that is yours in Christ. You can create experiences with cooking, eating, and movement without fashioning an idol out of food or our weight issues.

Whether you have lost, gained, or maintained weight, where you are is not your end. You are more than a collection of successes, failures, and attempts. God has your future on His mind (Jeremiah 29:11). What you have gained or lost is a plot twist in your evolving story with Him.

Carving a New Path

Burdens of shame can sometimes lead to overeating, secret binging. and hoarding that causes us to squirrel food, indulge in private, and then feel guilty for it. It robs us of what is rightfully ours as kingdom sons and daughters. Jesus wants us to bring our heaviness (Matthew 11:28-30). He loves us into the light, drawing out of shame’s looming shadows. He wants to exchange our weight issues for His empowering grace and joy.

The process of working through our weight issues is essential. More than reaching a goal weight, we learn how to think creatively with God, not only about our food but also about movement. We go deeper into our hearts where we face the lies and limit the beliefs that have burdened us. Following the Holy Spirit into the path carved by our weight issues, we can invite God into our isolation to heal pain and fill our heart hunger with His righteousness, peace, and joy.

Next Steps

As with many difficult journeys, we were not meant to shoulder the weight without help. Between Christ, community, and wise counsel, God has furnished us with what we need to overcome and endure. Reach out today to contact a therapist through our site. You will find someone to support you with the compassion and grace to release weight issues you were never intended to carry alone.

Photos:
“Loving Heart”, Courtesy of Giulia Bertelli, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Praying”, Courtesy of Naassom Azevedo, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Walking Down the Road”, Courtesy of Emma Simpson, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Healthy Breakfast”, Courtesy of Vitalii Pavlyshynets, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Experience the Difference: What a Christian Life Coach Can Do For You

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If you’ve come to this webpage, you are likely seeking care for unresolved wounds in your life, and if you’ve clicked on this article, you are probably searching for direction toward self-improvement in the hands of a coach who identifies with Christ.

With that in mind, I wanted to write to you about what you can expect from therapy, from life coaching, and especially from the subspecialty of Christian life coaching. I want to help you think through for yourself if the difference would be a noticeable enhancement in your journey.

What is therapy, and what is a Christian life coach?

First, let’s look at what these specialties are by definition and a few metaphors to further identify their typical look and function. Therapy, in the psychological world of healthcare, specifically refers to a professional-client relationship in which the professional delivers care that attends to the needs and mental wounds of the client.

The term “trauma” comes from the Greek for “wound,” and a therapist is in the field of mental wound care. Therapists share, teach, and model evidence-based, scientifically developed concepts and tools in a safe, positive, person-centered space and relationship.

In the metaphorical world of sports, a therapist may function like a physical therapist, helping the client recover from injuries suffered on the field so they can get cleared and back to their healthy athletic selves.

“Coach” was a word originally referring to a vehicle that would transport someone from one place to another. However, in the 1800s, it came to be used to refer to a professional who could help students through exams toward good grades. Now, a coach is widely recognized as a professional or amateur helper who helps bring students, athletes, clients, health patients, leaders, you name it, to higher functioning or personal enhancement in some area.

Metaphorically, a coach can be compared to a position-specific coach – such as a quarterback coach – who assists an athlete in refining movements, routines, or processes that enhance performance and skill. This support does not include addressing physical injuries, which remain the responsibility of a physical therapist.

The Christian Life Coach

But what about a Christian life coach? A Christian life coach can look at areas like business, nutrition, and career-finding just the same as a non-Christian life coach would, but the difference lies in their worldview and orientation to the client’s direction.

A Christian life coach may repurpose the skills and goals, reenvision the client’s sense of self in a new way, and point the client toward a somewhat dissimilar transformation process where goals and fulfillment are encountered in a Christian worldview.

A Christian life coach is like a quarterback coach (and therefore not a healer of injuries per se), but one that has an old, tested system for coaching the quarterback, who has different working premises of success, because that is the proven system in the coach’s mind for improving overall gameplay. To flesh that out, let’s take a look at a few more distinguishing characteristics of a Christian life coach.

A Christian life coach will draw wisdom from the Scriptures, prayer (both in and out of session), and incorporate spiritual disciplines and other effective coaching skills. Many Christian life coaches’ bio sections often use terminology like “help you with navigating” and “meeting you with compassion” through their coaching.

This highlights the humble approach of journeying alongside others in God’s world, drawing on the wisdom of scripture and spiritual practices, and sharing personal experiences of God’s faithfulness that have brought support and guidance in similar situations.

Non-Christian life coaches may use other phrases to describe themselves, such as “we will help you discover blind spots, re-examining old beliefs, and trying new things,” and (as to describe Tony Robbins – a huge figure in life coaching), “he set about gathering knowledge about success from the world’s best. He set out to help people become the best version of themselves, no matter their circumstances.”

A Christian life coach uses the Bible

So, one difference is the primacy of the Bible as source material that is elevated above other knowledge sources. Therefore, biblical life coaches will give the context of scripture verses that represent the thoughts and desires of God’s program for humanity to live fruitfully in this life. A Christian life coach who is worth their salt will endeavor to listen to their client’s heartfelt need and find applicable and contextually accurate verses that are God’s voice on the matter.

These scriptures may help clients find themselves in God’s design as valuable creations with a calling, clarifying the client’s identity in Christ, and encouraging them to pursue the Holy Spirit’s equipping and empowering role.

Clients will learn to set their values and passions in a creative and wider backdrop of right-sized, proper use of their gifts, and God’s presence here and now and forever forward as a promise of companionship and strength that He will always be faithful to carry out.

Prayer with a life coach can reveal areas of need, provide emotional grounding, and prepare clients to combine the truths of the Scriptures with the experience of the life coach, motivating them to act. Similarly, certain spiritual practices like fasting, solitude, generosity, and sabbath taking may be taught as a model of healthy life balance passed down from Old Testament heroes, from Jesus, and the early church.

Also, like a “Christian” quarterback coach, the Christian life coach may frame goals in ways that look less like elevating material success, fulfilling personal dreams, or aligning with an individual’s values and more like aligning with God’s will and calling, and promoting spiritual growth. As you can see, though these can overlap, in some ways, they can be qualitatively different.

Language used can also take on subtly different shades, which you may or may not like depending on your proclivity. Words like “surrendering,” “identity in Christ,” “God’s promises,” “providence,” and “control” may be more commonplace verbiage than in a secular life coaching session.

Also, decision-making processes and what makes them effective can have similarities and differences. A secular life coach (definition of secular being “present age minded”) may lean closer to scientific, deductive, even reductionistic models that start with a client’s logic and intuition and decide that a good decision will pay off when one can reasonably assume a good end or opportunity will arise from the decision.

A Christian life coach would similarly want a good ending to a decision, but what constitutes good for them may be defined only by what is godly (“No one is good but God alone.”). They will try to reverse engineer a good decision by first discerning God’s mindset on an issue through scripture and prayerful consideration. And then comes the question of how to create and maintain parameters that sustain good decision-making. We might call this accountability.

Accountability is thus grounded in the meaning-making structure that produces worthwhile goals. It then develops methods to help the client stay engaged and progress toward their goals, offering feedback and nudging the client back on track if they stray from their goals.

The Secular vs. the Christian Life Coach

This is where you may see a bigger difference between the secular and Christian orientations. The Christian life coach will nearly always believe in the objective nature of the meaning and truth of God’s world, and thus accountability has objective standards with which to weigh the client’s moves according to the Bible.

The secular life coach, will likely be agnostic or atheistic – at least, not faith based (which may be a whole other article to be written or researched if you are interested), will consider accountability as a concept grounded more on the client’s subjective will, desires to achieve or strive, or else be relaxed according to the client’s liking.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of similarities and differences, just the findings of one Christian therapist delving into the subject out of curiosity. I found myself using “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy” (developed by Steven Hayes), which I love and use often. It employs the discovery and commitment to deeply held values amid trials, pain, and the desire to avoid negativity as a pillar of its model for personal growth.

Integration

This posed an important question for me. If I use this theory with non-Christian, non-religious clients, who would almost all ascribe to beliefs or at least behaviors that reflect a subjective basis for meaning making, could I be catalyzing clients toward goals and behaviors that might ultimately separate them from a way of seeing life that needs God in it?

As I am slowly coming to believe that catalyzing clients’ awakening of old feelings and dreams about what brought them joy, a definition of identity, and a habit of moving forward in their life, can be useful and used by God as the client reawakens questions of who they were made to be.

Will those desires always neatly fit into prescribed Christian frameworks, let’s say, of healthy relationships, healthy recreation, and healthy work habits? No. But I believe that the question of what constitutes a purposeful life will eventually be used by God for growth and well-being in real life, with all of God’s tools and people working to inspire those who are not yet believers to consider the faith-filled, love-filled life God desires.

I am not a Christian life coach by training – the training and accreditation process for life coaching is different than traditional schooling processes for therapists or psychologists. However, there are programs and processes that life coaches can go through for greater specification and effectiveness. And you can and should always ask about that for your own benefit.

I love the godly promises-discovery process and the value defining process, and my therapy incorporates this to broaden healing (like the physical therapist healing the athletes torn hamstring) from past and present emotional and mental processing toward healing with value driven sights and plans built in (like a coach rooting you on the personal records and championships you desire).

Many (or at least, most) therapists will as well, by the way! But I just wanted to share that I love this stuff. Checking out and externally processing out my curiosities is part of my value system. Maybe that’s why I loved writing this piece. Dad joke beware.

Next Steps

If you’d like to start that journey of past, present, and future processing and growth with me, please feel free to reach out to reception at (949) 386-7178

Photos:
“Creating Plays”, Courtesy of Nguyen Thu Hoai, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Steps to Prevent Others From Overstepping Boundaries

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Setting boundaries is how people guard their lives against unacceptable behaviors. If there are no boundaries in place, then others will not know how to respect your personal space. They will set the stage for the treatment that people are subjected to.

Clear boundaries can establish how a person takes care of themselves emotionally and spiritually. They cultivate the realization that it’s not about how people view others, but rather how satisfied a person is with their life. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling provides guidance on setting healthy boundaries, empowering individuals to build stronger relationships and live with greater peace and purpose.

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. – Proverbs 4:23, ESV

Boundaries do not have to be spoken for a person to have them. Every person has a level of discomfort and that is the reason for them. It is best to communicate them to reduce any problems with others overstepping them.

Types of Boundaries

Personal boundaries differ from professional. These typically reflect how a person interacts with others. Physical contact, personal space, and verbal interaction all are areas that may require them.

There are categories for the common types.

Physical boundaries help with protecting personal space. People who are not “touchy-feely” often refrain from hugging and may have them in place to keep others from getting too close physically.

Emotional boundaries protect emotional well-being.

Workplace boundaries help protect the ability to work without interference. Workplace boundaries are typically set as a reflection of how a person conducts themselves professionally. It is common for these to be established after there has been an issue.

Material boundaries help with protecting personal belongings. Allowing others to use personal items can be done with written instructions. The instructions make it clear what is expected when something is borrowed.

Time boundaries help with protecting the use of time. This kind can be challenging, due to the categories of time management that people fall into, such as being late or being early. It is not uncommon for these two categories to clash. Setting a boundary can help present a solution to the conflicts that arise because of the different views of time.

Sexual boundaries help protect our sexual needs and safety. These are often noted in new relationships. By communicating what is comfortable in this area a person can prevent any type of miscommunication about desires.

Boundaries can be set in a manner that allows them to be in place no matter where a person may be at any time. They are set for a variety of situations where engagement with others is likely to happen.

Setting Boundaries That Work

Boundaries serve to keep people mentally and emotionally healthy. Some can be confusing and misunderstood. It is important to remember that sometimes they need to be communicated clearly to reduce the chance of someone unintentionally crossing them Being intentional about setting them will reduce any chance of someone overstepping them.

There are a few simple steps to setting healthy boundaries that will keep personal space protected.

Identify personal limits

Sometimes a boundary isn’t known until there is an issue in that area. Identifying personal limits of what is acceptable helps create a healthy boundary.

Communicate the boundary

After deciding to set a specific boundary, it must be communicated.

Know what needs to be said

Communicating boundaries to other people means that a person must understand what they want to convey to others. Learning what to say and how to say it can reduce miscommunication or misunderstanding.

There is no need for apologies or explanations

People commonly feel the need to explain why they have boundaries or apologize for setting them. It is perfectly acceptable to say “no” in a kind way without any type of explanation.

Be consistent

Setting a boundary is useless if there is no consistency. To prevent others from overstepping them it is vital to stand firm with the decision to set it. This reduces the chance that others will disrespect it.

Next Steps

There are times when people need boundaries. Knowing why they need to be set and how to set them can help create healthy relationships with people in your life. The first step is to identify what you consider to be healthy ones for you. Once that has been decided you can start the process of clarifying and communicating them.

To better understand why you need them and how to set them, the counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help. With the right faith-based plan, your counselor in Huntington Beach can help you create healthy ones that will work for you and those around you. Call our office today at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling in California for more information or to make an appointment.

References:

https://psychcentral.com/relationships/what-are-personal-boundaries-how-do-i-get-some#takeaway

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-to-help-a-friend/201711/why-is-it-important-to-have-personal-boundaries

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-addiction-connection/202210/5-steps-to-creating-and-maintaining-healthy-boundaries

Photo:
“Crashing Waves”, Courtesy of Frank van Hulst, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

10 Things That Help You Handle Life

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Life is a beautifully challenging thing to walk through. Some moments feel great, and you manage them easily, and other moments are more challenging. In challenging moments, it is easy to let other people’s ideas shape how you respond.

When you were growing up it could have been a simple comment like “Don’t cry,” from a parent after you had a hard day. Today, it may be something more complex like feeling guilty for taking a break when you have so much to do. It is common to accept these ideas as healthy and normal, but they can result in feelings of shame when you are dealing with things in your life.

Instead of accepting these ideas, we can choose to look at how our responses and feelings can benefit us in our circumstances. You don’t necessarily have to feel ashamed for experiencing different feelings or responses, especially when things feel hard already. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you process these emotions in a healthy way.

While you may have had people tell you differently, you don’t have to feel ashamed for processing life in your own way. Here are ten things you may not have to feel ashamed for:

  1. Asking for help  We have developed a fiercely independent culture, especially when it comes to needing help. Instead of relying on others, we try to do things on our own. This is often neither beneficial nor biblical.

Galatians reminds us to “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2, ESV) We are to support one another. Additionally, we are to come to God when we need help. “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” (James 1:5, ESV)

  1. Taking time to be alone  While it is often good to seek help from others, it is also okay to need time away from other people. We need to balance community and time alone, especially when we use that time alone to seek God.

Every person is created with unique needs and a capacity for time with others and time alone. This is true in daily life, exciting seasons, and tough times. Ask God to show you what you need.

  1. Self-care  While the idea of self-care has become a bit of a buzzword in modern culture and on social media, the reality is that many people do not pursue it. When people do take time for self-care, they can sometimes feel guilty or try to do things that seem like self-care but don’t truly fill them up.

Instead, you can choose to take care of yourself in a healthy way. Ask God what you need most and do that. It’s okay if it looks different from what your friend or family member needs. God wants you to take good care of yourself because He loves you.

  1. Crying  As in the earlier example, some people feel ashamed for crying. This can be because of things people have said, because of societal norms, or simply because it makes them self-conscious. Crying doesn’t need to be looked at this way. Instead, crying can be seen as a natural release of emotion.

Emotional tears also contain more mood-regulating manganese than the other types. Stress “tightens muscles and heightens tension, so when you cry you release some of that,” Sideroff says. “[Crying] activates the parasympathetic nervous system and restores the body to a state of balance.” – Serusha Govender

  1. Feeling things  Like tears, some people are taught that feelings are unsafe, unacceptable, or bad. If you grew up in a situation where feelings were never expressed, it may seem foreign to do so. Conversely, if you grew up in a situation where expressing feelings caused increased tension or violence, you may have learned to keep feelings hidden.

Unfortunately, this approach typically makes things worse. Feelings may be either good or bad, depending on the situation. Identifying them and allowing them space can help diffuse them and help you evaluate them. A counselor can help you with this. It is a learning experience, and you can find help to express, identify, and process righteous feelings without shame.

  1. Recognize joy in hard times  When you are going through a difficult time, it may feel odd to find joy. For example, if you recently lost your job, it could seem strange to some people that you find joy in the extra time you have to go for a walk during the day.

Another common example is when walking through grief. Sometimes people experience times of joy, even as they face the loss of someone they cared about. This can be disturbing for some people, but it is nothing to be ashamed of. Instead, you can see how you can carry both hard things and joyful things at the same time.

Even James reminds us of the importance of joy in tough times: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” (James 1:2, NIV) You can navigate joy amid your hardship.

  1. Resting   It is no surprise we live in a busy world full of things we need to do. In our achievement-based culture, we often neglect to take adequate time to rest. This doesn’t just mean sleep, although that can be part of it.

We need time to rest, to take a break from whatever situation or hardship we are facing. Even though some will try to tell us to keep going, to get more done, to stay busy, sometimes the very thing we need most is a break. You do not have to feel shame for making time to rest.

Whether it is in the middle of the day, an hour after you wake up, or in the evening, you can rest if it is what you need.

  1. Feeling weak  In a world that sees weakness as something to be fixed, it can be hard to think of it as something to embrace. The truth is, we are all weak. No matter how much we try to prove that we are strong, the Bible is clear: we are all weak and Jesus is our strength.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. – 2 Corinthians 12:9, ESV

  1. Setting and maintaining boundaries   Many of us have lived in situations where boundaries were not welcome. We had people in our lives that overshadowed any sense of personal comfort we may have or disregarded our preferences. This can make it difficult for us to feel comfortable setting and maintaining boundaries.

As you walk through life, you do not need to feel any sense of shame for setting boundaries. It is healthy and wise to recognize your boundaries and find respectful ways to communicate those. If that is difficult for you, a counselor can help you identify them and find ways to kindly share them. They can also offer accountability for maintaining your boundaries with others.

  1. Being angry  Just as with any feeling, anger is not always something to be ashamed of. It is a feeling that everyone has experienced, even Jesus. Often, we have experienced situations that try to downplay or eliminate anger because it is uncomfortable or expressed poorly.

Instead of pretending anger isn’t there, you can learn to be angry in healthy, productive ways. Anger, however, may be sinful or righteous – it is not simply a feeling. If you struggle with sinful anger, there is help across the spectrum from identifying anger to anger management.

Finding the support you need

As you learn about these healthier approaches to handling life, you may find that you need support in ways to accept them, how to implement them, or ways to remove the shame associated with them. There is help available.

A Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling  can help you with this process. Contact our office today to learn more.

Sources:

https://www.instagram.com/p/CsjAaSfuquM/

https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/is-crying-good-for-you#:~:text=Emotional%20tears%20also%20contain%20more,to%20a%20state%20of%20balance.%22

Photo:
“Train Rail”, Courtesy of Unsplash, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

How Self-Love Improves Mental Health

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Over the past couple of years, there has been a sharp rise in people battling mental health issues. The world we live in demands so much of us that some are struggling to cope mentally.

Mental health refers to the emotional and psychological well-being of a person, which can affect how they feel, think, or behave. There are many ways to improve mental health, and in this article, we will focus on self-care as one of those ways. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling provides support and resources to help individuals prioritize their mental health and practice effective self-care.

Accepting who we are is agreeing with God when He says we are wonderfully and fearfully made, it is living a life that reflects that truth. (Psalm 139:14). Self-care is an effective technique in improving mental health as we recognize our worth as beings created in His image and worthy of care and compassion.

When there is a conscious effort put into taking care of ourselves, honoring our needs, and putting value on ourselves, it is often mistaken for selfishness. Are there people who are selfish and full of pride? Yes, unfortunately. What’s different is that when we talk of self-care, we are advocating for people to care for the bodies and minds that God gave us; we are, after all, the Temple of the Highest God and The Holy Spirit dwells in us (I Corinthians 6:19-20).

This means we ought to take good care of what God has entrusted us with, the vessel He chose to use on this earth. When we can take care of ourselves, we fuel ourselves to care for others. As much as our lives should be marked by our ability to be there for others and sometimes even sacrifice our comfort and wants, we should always check if we are not overextending ourselves beyond our abilities.

There is nothing wrong with sacrificial love or giving of ourselves. It becomes a problem when it consumes our whole life. This will lead to exhaustion, fatigue, depression, and sometimes resentment toward those we are helping or giving to.

We see Jesus showing us this way of living by how He would, on occasion, separate Himself from the crowd, go away, regroup, and pray. He was in essence realizing His need for rest, solitude, and spiritual alignment and modeling the same for us.

There are five areas in which we can practice self-care and thereby improve our mental health and our ability to serve God and others. These are physical, emotional, social, spiritual, and mental self-care.

  • Physical – When we take care of our body, we engage in activities that keep us fit. This means that we are conscious of what we put into our body, how we exercise, and our recovery routine (i.e. sleep and rest).
  • Mental – As people, we need activities that ensure that we are always learning and stimulated mentally. This can include reading, learning new skills, puzzles, games, memorizing scripture, etc.
  • Emotional – Being aware of our emotions and those of others helps us to function and relate in a more godly way. We pay attention to how we feel, and act accordingly. If we are happy, we permit ourselves to be joyful, when we are sad, we give ourselves room to recover. This can be achieved by seeking God through prayer, Bible reading, journaling, sharing time with friends, seeing a therapist, etc.
  • Spiritual – Our Spiritual life is nurtured through our communion with God and the body of Christ. This can be achieved through church attendance and involvement, meditation on His Word, and prayer.
  • Social – Our social life consists of the relationships we have around us. Who our friends, mentors, church, colleagues, and family are. We care for ourselves socially when we try to maintain and nurture these relationships so that we are not isolated or lonely.

Self-care is not easy. We want to help others and it can feel selfish to take time for ourselves. We need reminders that our mental health is an important part of being able to serve God and others. Below are some ways in which self-care can help improve our mental health and give us strength for kingdom usefulness.

  • Self-care helps you love others in a better way. Noticing our own weaknesses and need for help gives us a stronger compassion for others. In addition, self-care by way of rest and seeking God gives us the strength we need to serve others well.
  • We cannot give what we do not have for ourselves. When we care for ourselves, we have more to give. We serve others better when we are serving from a place of abundance.
  • Self-care improves our confidence. We are more confident to be who God has called us to be. Our confidence also comes from knowing that God is with us through each step we take. We are grounded in His truth.

Tips for Biblical Self-care

Stand on His Word – It is important to remind ourselves through God’s word who we are. There are so many things that can shake us in the world, but His Word remains true. Meditating on verses that affirm who we are in Christ will give us strength for the tasks He has called us to. Preaching the Gospel to ourselves daily reminds us that we have a creator who loved us so much that He gave Himself up for our salvation.

Prayer – God has instructed us to seek His face in prayer for help with every trial. Whether it be the trials of living in a sinful world or the trials we bring to our lives through our own sin, we can find hope, peace, mercy, and joy by seeking God in prayer.

Journaling – This is the process of writing down your thoughts and feelings, so you become aware of your emotions and keep track of your thought patterns. The world we live in can be loud and messy and the outside noise can make us forget the Gospel.

One great journaling practice is to write out verses or whole passages of scripture. The act of writing down the words of scripture helps us to bring our thoughts in alignment with truth and meditate on His promises (Philippians 4:8)

Rest – From the beginning, God has given us a model of resting from our work or getting away to pray and rest (Genesis 2:2, Mark 1:35). Rest may include sleep, prayer, solitude, reading a good book or even taking a long bath. Our bodies were not created to work non-stop, and rest is given to us as a way to strengthen us for work and service.

Additional Help

This process might be difficult to do alone so if you or someone you know struggles with taking time for self-care and might need the help of a therapist, please do not hesitate to call our office at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling for an appointment. We have competent and God-fearing Therapists who are waiting to help you in the process.

Photo:
“Heart Shaped Red Balloon”, Courtesy of Unsplash Licence, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Toxic Shame: What it Is and What it Isn’t

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“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” ― Brene Brown

Shame has become a hot topic in psychology and the discussion of mental health and wellness, especially over the last decade. The concept of shame and its meaning often depends on the context.

For instance, the common dictionary defines shame as a “painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety” and lists synonyms such as guilt, regret, and remorse (Merriam-Webster, 2022). But in psychology, shame is distinguished as a more concrete self-perception of being unworthy, defective, broken on a deep level, not simply regret or guilt about a behavior.

Toxic shame is another layer in which shame has impacted your view of yourself to the core of your self-perception (Raypole, 2020). The way we perceive ourselves impacts all our perceptions, relationships, and overall health. Understanding and healing from toxic shame makes a tremendous difference in your life. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling provides a safe space to address toxic shame and begin the journey toward self-acceptance and healing.

Understanding toxic shame

Understanding what sets toxic shame apart from guilt and regret is crucial for holistic health. As stated, often the words shame and guilt are used interchangeably. However, guilt is defined as “a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined” (Burgo, 2013)

Regret is tied to the feeling of sadness about an event or loss. Thus, guilt and regret are centered on events, behaviors, or losses, while shame is tied to a core belief about one’s lack of worthiness and brokenness beyond a single event or behavior.

Furthermore, shame is concentrated on the belief about oneself, while guilt often focuses on others or how your behavior impacted other people in your life. Guilt is often resolved by making amends, apologizing, and accepting consequences, while shame can be ongoing and harder to repair because it isn’t based on a lone thing (Gonzales-Barrios, 2022). It is possible to feel both guilt and shame, but they are different in their origin and focus.

Toxic shame is when shame has become central to one’s self-perception and is foundational in daily life. It is especially corrosive to change, hope, and health because toxic shame is shame without repair or healing. It becomes the way you interpret your worth and how you believe others view you.

Instead of being able to move forward from a mistake or behavior you don’t want to continue, toxic shame often keeps you stuck believing that you are incapable of change, worthless, and focused on how you are wrong or bad, not simply the behavior or action. Toxic shame can strip you of your ability to have self-compassion and to embrace your common humanity – the belief that you belong and that you don’t have to be perfect.

One author relates that shame “opens the door to anger, self-disgust, and other less-than-desirable feelings. It can make you feel small and worthless. It can trickle into your inner dialogue like a poison, locking you into a painful loop of negative self-talk” (Raypole, 2020). Since toxic shame is so central to your self-view, living with it has many implications.

Origins and implications

Living with toxic shame often begins in childhood. Negative words about your worth spoken by adults, such as your parents or caregivers, or others around you shape the way you view yourself, and when this is done over time, they can become the way you see yourself.

For example, if you wet the bed, your parent might have reacted in one of two ways:‌ They reassured you that it was all right and cleaned up without making a fuss. [Or] they lashed out at you and said things like, ‘Why do you always do this? What’s wrong with you?’ The second reaction would probably have led you to believe that there was something wrong with you. The feeling of shame can turn into toxic shame when the second scene keeps repeating. – Brennan, 2021

The words that you hear spoken about you as a child have tremendous power to impact how you develop your self-perception. In the first instance, the behavior is separated from the worthiness of the child; in the second, the behavior is seen as a symptom of their unworthiness and flaws. Toxic shame can also be caused by trauma, abuse, and neglect not just in childhood, but throughout life. The ramifications of living with toxic shame go beyond self-perception.

This condition also impacts physical and mental health. For instance, believing you are unworthy may correlate with self-neglect such as a lack of personal hygiene, lack of a healthy and balanced diet, and insufficient exercise. Inversely, individuals with toxic shame may become hyper-vigilant about their health and wellness, such as excessive exercise, extreme dieting, and perfectionistic to “fix” themselves.

Similarly, some people with toxic shame develop narcissism, which is a grandiose view of themselves often overinflating their importance and ambitions, and controlling others (Cikanavicius, 2018). When toxic shame is the foundation of your self-perception, it has many implications for your wellness.

Believing toxic shame is the truth has many implications for health and relationships. Research has shown that individuals who have toxic shame also struggle with substance abuse, alcoholism, self-harm, anger management issues, and eating disorders, to name a few. In relationships, they may withdraw from others (believing they are unworthy of friendship or intimacy and love) and struggle with perfectionism in the workplace (Brennan, 2021).

In addition, toxic shame can make it difficult to receive constructive feedback at work and in relationships because it is interpreted as another “sign” of unworthiness or imperfection. These behaviors and patterns not only reinforce their negative self-perception because of the guilt and impact on their health and relationships but are often coping mechanisms to avoid feeling their shame.

While it is adaptive to not want to feel shame, these behaviors only mask that pain rather than processing and resolving the core self-believe to one that holds hope and the possibility for change.

Healing from toxic shame

Thankfully, there is hope and many ways to heal from toxic shame. Often, treatment begins by healing from the negative beliefs that are tied to your overall toxic shame. There are many therapeutic avenues for identifying these core beliefs.

One clinically proven treatment process is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

The general overview of the treatment includes, “(1) First, the past events that have laid the groundwork for dysfunction are processed, forging new associative links with adaptive information; (2) the current circumstances that elicit distress are targeted, and internal and external triggers are desensitized. (3) imaginal templates of future events are incorporated, to assist the client in acquiring the skills needed for adaptive functioning” (Insitute, 2022).

Since toxic shame negative beliefs often begin in childhood and with trauma, EMDR is one way to heal from them.

Other ways to begin to heal from toxic shame include practicing mindfulness-paying attention to your self-talk and recognizing when you begin to feel shame. Likewise, incorporating compassionate self-talk through reframing such as: “Acknowledge the thought. ‘That’s one way of seeing things.’ Explore where it comes from. ‘My parents always looked at me like I was a failure when I didn’t meet their expectations.’ Consider evidence for or against it. ‘What about the things I’ve done right?’ Consider other perspectives. ‘I made a mistake, but I can fix it  –  and now I know what not to do next time.’” (Raypole, 2020).

Most importantly, and with a long-lasting impact, is working on toxic shame through a biblical lens. This starts with looking at each thought and overlaying it with trustworthy truths from the Bible. Seeing how these thoughts measure up to God’s Word is the underlying work that chases away the darkness because it cannot stand the light.

More ways to begin healing from toxic shame include professional support – finding a counselor and developing social support with friends and family.

Toxic shame has many origins and impacts on life. It often begins in childhood through the words spoken by adults and experiences such as trauma, abuse, and neglect. Toxic shame is foundational to self-perception, relationships, and quality of life. It is not something you have to live with forever. A Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you address and heal from toxic shame.

References:

Brennan, D. (2021, October 25). What is Toxic Shame? Retrieved from Web Md: https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-toxic-shame

Burgo, J. (2013, May 30). The Difference Between Guilt and Shame. Retrieved May 2, 2022, from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shame/201305/the-difference-between-guilt-and-shame

Cikanavicius, D. (2018, September 2). A Brief Guide to Unprocessed Childhood Toxic Shame. Retrieved from Psych Central: https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2018/09/childhood-toxic-shame#3

Gonzales-Barrios, N. (2022, February 2). Shame Vs. Guilt: Understanding The Key Difference And The Effects On Our Experience Of Failure. Retrieved from The Pleasant Mind: https://thepleasantmind.com/shame-vs-guilt/

Institute, E. (2022, March 22). What is EMDR. Retrieved from EMDR.com: https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/

Merriam-Webster. (2022, May 2). shame. Retrieved from Merriam-Webster Dictionary: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/shame#synonyms

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Clear Out the Clutter: Understanding Hoarding and How to Help

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When it is time to clear out the clutter, one important need is to understand hoarding and how to help manage the underlying problem of having clutter in the first place. How does one determine what is enough and what is too much? How can we be good stewards of the Lord’s blessings? What does God even have to say about worldly goods and the clutter they can make?

About one in every five people has a storage unit in the U.S. We live in a consumer culture, often accumulating possessions and crowding current living and storage spaces to accommodate more.

We do this automatically, often without thinking about how we may be spending and shopping to feed a bottomless appetite. We are rarely satisfied, and in getting and gathering more, we might need to consider that what we long for is not something we can purchase.

Collecting stuff does not end with physical space. We leave little margin in our time and finances, squeezing the life out of what we have. This inadvertently welcomes anxiety and stress to settle in the cracks, where we feed brokenness and boredom with more. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling helps individuals create healthier boundaries in their lives, reducing stress and fostering peace.

While hoarding may proliferate in a consumer culture, there are deeper considerations to examine, especially if we are to understand the taxing nature of hoarding and how to help ourselves or our loved ones.

When a person loses a sense of self, following a traumatic experience, hoarding can be an anxious response in which they seek to reclaim identity, security, control, and safety by collecting, storing, and saving. Shopping and squirreling fill the void, offering a euphoric rush, sometimes inertly clinging to the memory of a past that may have seemed more stable or fulfilling.

Addictively, individuals engage in a cycle, fueled by compulsion and temporary gratification. It employs the thrill of the hunt, sometimes spurred on by special deals and coupons, enhancing its addictive appeal to the point of irresistibility.

The “just in case” purchases are garnered to create a high in an attempt to guard against the formidable unknown called “someday.” When addressing hoarding, there is a need to clear out the clutter that goes deeper than the physical overload of stuff.

Understanding and unpacking

Disorganized patterns of thought and behavior characterize hoarding. Those who hoard have experienced fear-based anxiety and a deep sense of lack and loss. The drive to obtain more is visible in amassing physical possessions, but it draws on accumulating things to supplement the invisible feelings of insecurity.

In this manner, hoarding is more than just being a “packrat” and having too much clutter. Compounded with impaired judgment and a bewildering paralysis, it hampers one’s ability to distinguish actual from perceived needs.

When we want to mobilize and activate change, we may find ourselves triggered to revert to the negative behavior again, thereby repeating the cycle of dysfunction. A sense of mental block distorts when we seek to sort what to keep, sell, discard, or donate. We may encounter the following:

  • Frustration with the volume of possessions.
  • The negative script of foreboding fear.
  • Being overwhelmed by the broad and multi-layered scope of a clean-out project.

It can seem impossible to move forward even with the best support, as many hoarding individuals may not be ready to stop. In understanding hoarding and how to help, it is important to understand that hoarding is not in anyone’s control except the hoarders.

Just as in addiction, hoarding requires immense amounts of support, encouragement, and accountability. It also requires a willingness to practice healthy alternatives.

Hoarding’s impact on health

Hoarding often compromises a person’s living spaces, presenting:

  • Toxic health risks, through expired and rotting food, in and around preparation surfaces.
  • The abundance of clutter that causes stumble or trip hazards.
  • A haven for undisposed pet wastes that attach and accumulate alongside household items and acquisitions.
  • Attraction for pests, such as insects and rodents, that breed disease.
  • Diminished air quality in the home, leveraging the impact on one’s respiratory system and overall health.

With these impacts on the health of the individual who is hoarding and on those involved, hoarding is something to be concerned about.

Possessions versus people

Individuals may hide their hoarding behaviors from family and friends for several reasons. They may have experienced shaming, criticism, or judgment from other family members, including significant others and children. Those who hoard may not even recognize themselves and close themselves off to others because of self-inflicted shame or out of perceived protection of others.

Struggling to break free from the addiction of accruing things demands the support of other individuals in the hoarder’s life, but those relationships can be difficult to maintain. Further isolation increases hoarding. In essence, hoarding behavior draws us away from human connection and pulls possessions closer than the people who love us.

Costs of hoarding

Hoarding cuts off relationships with others, making a literal barrier between people and the one hoarding. This further isolates the person in their addiction and the shame attached to it. It reconfigures family dynamics and superimposes its dysfunction through the following:

  • hiding,
  • fostering distrust,
  • leveraging subsequent shame, and
  • widening the gap of isolation.

It breaks covenants, where spouses and children encounter dispute  over what enters the space, how the home is managed, or the amount of finances spent on the items purchased. Hoarding breeds distrust and feelings of betrayal. It operates in secrecy, weakening the integrity of communication in the family. It consumes resources, diverting funds, time, space, and attention intended for family and household necessities to feed the behavior.

Consistent with the nature of the addiction, hoarding behavior aligns more with gratifying their insecurity, temporarily exchanging feelings of instability with the search to attain and accumulate more. To close loved ones, it can appear as if those who hoard attach more value to holding onto things than nurturing the relationships with their relatives. This may be the opposite of what they want to do.

With the shame factor, the loss of social networks and support extends beyond family. Hoarding shuts down opportunities for social connections, further isolating the person in their addiction.

For example, if a person wants to date or develop deeper friendships, they may be too embarrassed to interact with others, knowing that they occupy a living space that may not be conducive to hosting friends. It has been known to lead to lopsided relationships where friends feel disconnected.

Hoarding and how to help

Insecurity in our identity tells a story, revealing our soul hunger and thirst for idols that can never satisfy. Whether you are the person who may be hoarding or if you love the person who is hoarding, there is hope. Where there is hope, help is also present.

There may be underlying trauma associated with hoarding, hinting at a deeper issue that needs to be addressed. Working with a counselor can help an individual explore and identify what shifted, when, and where.

Counseling helps us to discover patterns of unhealthy behaviors while removing the layers that have compounded under negative mindsets, debilitating emotions, and insufficient support. Treatment fosters the opportunity and environment to rebuild identity and connection.

It’s important for those who hoard to regain and reset their identity. They need to begin being known as more than just a hoarder and to be known in the way that God truly sees them as one who is loved by Him, regardless. Additionally, connecting with a meaningful part of their past, such as rediscovering gifts and natural abilities, can be an important pivot in helping them move forward into their future.

While many specialized commercial services are available in the community that can help an individual organize and clear their physical space, perhaps, the most important step is to clear the shame and accusation blocking one’s mental and emotional territory.

When we shame ourselves or others, we further imprison ourselves in the behavior and the mindset that we want to overhaul. Shame and scorn give a place for destructive talk to speak louder than what God says about His beloved sons and daughters.

Hence, the lack of love, empathy, and compassion causes us to pad our identities with things that don’t give life. In working with hoarders, whether us or a loved one, we must lead from a place of love and compassion, having first received it from God so that we can share it.

Showing self-love and compassion is different from endorsing the behavior, but it can be transformative with the process of healing, growth, and change. God himself is patient, and He draws us closer with love, not scorn and shame. His compassion is the “it” factor that changes people’s hearts, driving out the tormenting fear, at the root of hoarding.

Next steps

Be patient with yourself and kind to those that you love. It doesn’t mean codependently endorsing maladaptive behaviors, but rather, embodying a compassionate commitment to offer what you can, as graced by God.

As you walk through a process to reset identity, heal issues, displace heart idols, and initiate a new path forward, you will establish new places of healing and coping. You will formulate new patterns as you walk through your life to make space for the new.

Reach out to our office today. The counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling are equipped to help you navigate your path. There are open spaces that God has for you to explore and experience, not only in your home but also in your heart, the most sacred space that houses your life and relationships.

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“Old Books”, Courtesy of svecaleksandr249, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Hiding in the Shed”, Courtesy of Andrew Neel, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Naptime”, Courtesy of Rex Pickar, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Boxes”, Courtesy of chuttersnap, Unsplash.com, CC0 License