Marriage: How Our Narrative Drives Our Experience

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Marriage is where our narrative drives our experience. The story we tell ourselves is not only the story we eventually believe, but one we influence others to believe as well. Marriages write a story about who we are and who our spouse is and we help write that narrative. It is important, then, to be discerning and protective over the narrative of your marriage.

Sarah fell in love with Greg. He was fun, spontaneous, light-hearted – just what her life needed. Little did she know how reckless that would seem later on. He was fun and light-hearted about everything. He never seemed to take finances seriously, despite her telling him how much it meant to her to be financially secure. He often fed the kids junk food while she worked hard to prepare nutritious meals.

He acted goofy and carefree in serious situations and when conflict arose, he was nowhere to be found. She couldn’t believe how untrustworthy he was. The other men in her life would never behave so carelessly. How could she have made such a terrible mistake in marrying this man?

He didn’t listen to her when she asked him to change. He didn’t care – he just kept doing whatever he wanted. She tried telling him over and over and he got mad at her! This was unbearable. Maybe it just couldn’t last. How could she live like this anymore? 

Most often, the story that is told is not the fullest or truest version. Whether the story is sugar-coated, created with rose-colored glasses (think, “love is blind”), or stripped of all goodness, it’s almost invariably biased. However, it’s the full story – the good mixed with the bad that will help couples build stronger relationships. This story – the one that sticks to the truth, both good and bad – will have the most positive impact on the couple and the individuals involved.

The impact of our narratives comes from what’s on the inside; the feelings and thoughts that drive our behavior. The range of effects can start with a simple lack of satisfaction with the relationship and lead to altering our behavior toward our spouse in one way or another (for example: hiding thoughts and feelings or conversely, acting outwardly upset with them).

What’s on the inside comes out: The Triad of Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors

Thoughts, feelings, and behaviors work together. So, if you are feeling and thinking one way, your behavior will reflect it in some way, even something as simple as the act of trying to hide your thoughts and feelings. Just the same, if you want to think differently about something stressful, you can choose a behavior that supports the thoughts and feelings you desire.

Thoughts

Our thoughts are indicated by our feelings and our behaviors. For example, if I am feeling happy and jumping up and down squealing, happy thoughts are typically there; or if I am active in what I enjoy and feeling good while doing it, my mind will be selective about thinking positive thoughts.

In the same way, our thoughts can influence our feelings and behaviors. If I am thinking about something stressful, I may be more tense/tight in my muscles, leading to a frown or a kink in my neck, and I may start to feel upset. This is also seen when our thoughts are focused on something as simple as a scary movie. We feel fear and become more jumpy.

Feelings

Our feelings are influenced by our thoughts and behaviors. Studies have shown that if I hold a pencil in my mouth, stretching my smile muscles, I can start to feel the release of happy chemicals. If I start to imagine I am in my happy place, I can start to feel relaxed.

Similarly, this can be seen when a person allows themself to think about times someone has wronged them. They will start to feel the weight of that wrong through sadness or anger and distance themselves from that person even in the middle of what was a good time together.

Feelings influence our thoughts and behaviors. If I am feeling sad, I may start to think that normal or fun things aren’t worth engaging in and may not get out of bed. Feeling angry can cause a failure to think about the future and consequently burn important bridges.

Behaviors

Behaviors are driven by our thoughts and feelings. When I am feeling nervous and thinking about a large crowd of people I am about to speak to, I may start to shake or bite my lip. If we are thinking positively about our spouse and feeling excited for them to come home, we will greet them with enthusiasm upon arrival or engage in special behavior based on those thoughts and feelings.

Behaviors influence thoughts and feelings as well. If I start to work out or jog, my mind clears and I feel more relaxed. As another example, if I do what is honorable and respectable, I can feel good about my behavior and think more steadily about my relationship.

Examining the Narrative We’ve Written

When one is not careful to examine the narrative they are holding about their marriage, challenging it through the careful examination of their heart and the Bible, they can bring about destructive patterns in their marriage that can ultimately lead to the destruction of their marriage.

Questions to Start With

So where does one start in examining the narrative they hold? Below are some helpful questions to ask oneself from Chris and Jamie Bailey of Expedition Marriage:

  • Is the story I’m telling myself true?
  • Is it the whole picture, or just one (my) side?
  • Have I left room for grace, communication, and understanding?
  • Is my perspective shaped more by past hurts than by what’s actually happening now?

Is the story I’m telling myself true?

This question lays an important foundation for checking facts against feelings and doing some work to gather details that may have been forgotten or otherwise skewed. If your feelings are driving a quick answer of “yes” try moving to ask if you’re 100% certain everything about your story is true.

Is it the whole picture, or just one (my) side?

Along with being certain everything in your narrative is 100% true, evaluating whether or not you are accounting for your spouse’s experience is important to paint the whole picture. This question challenges blame in the sense that it allows for owning your own part in whatever is working and whatever has not/is not working in your marriage.

This is akin to taking the plank out of your own eye first. Individuals have their commandments from God that do not depend on others to complete. They also have their own circle of control, so while we can write a narrative that implies our spouse has “made” us happy or miserable, it is important to explore both sides of the matter.

Have I left room for grace, communication, and understanding?

God instructs His children to be like Him in offering love, grace, mercy, being at peace with others as much as it depends on us, and forgiving others as He has loved us. Is your narrative placing you on the path of the “Unforgiving Servant” in Matthew 18? If so, you are on a path to destruction.

It is important to understand how a lack of grace, communication, and understanding can build bitterness which can destroy us. Allowing bitterness to grow throughout our narrative is going to hurt us, our relationship with our spouse, and our relationship with God.

Protecting the narrative we write about our marriage does not include sugarcoating the bad/ugly. It does not include glossing over it and hoping things will change. It includes the humble work of confession and prayer to God who is the changer of hearts.

If your narrative does not include room for grace, communication, and understanding, then your narrative may be keeping you from trusting God and following Him.

Is my perspective shaped more by past hurts than by what’s actually happening now?

The fact that we can craft a narrative means that we can edit and re-write our narrative. When asking this question, it is important to consider letting the past be the past and separating familiar feelings triggered by different events.

For example, one can feel safe and warm in their spouse’s arms when they first get married, building the narrative that when your husband holds you, he is loving you and keeping you safe. The same spouse may have become physically abusive and dangerous, yet all is forgiven as long as the message of the holding with a hug is communicated afterward.

I’m safer if I stay with this man, becomes the narrative. He loves me and doesn’t really want to hurt me. He’s sorry, the narrative builds. However, if we strip away our feelings and look at the situation, we can realize that differences between actions, behaviors, and intentions will tell a different story.

In the same way, when one spouse’s trust is broken, everything about the breaking of that trust is included in a new alert system. When their spouse is on their phone, they are doing something that will hurt them. If their spouse stays out too late, their spouse is untrustworthy. Because they are fighting over this issue, their relationship will never be okay.

Once you strip away the emotions, you can see whether you are simply being triggered by something familiar. The fight doesn’t equal the end of the relationship, because you and your spouse have more grace and can recover by resolving your differences. Phone use is normal and your spouse is more than willing to reiterate their love for you. Staying out too late may be part of normal involvement with this group/work/church/accountability partners/etc.

This question allows us to uncross the wires that were formed for survival once the crisis is over, allowing you and your spouse to change.

Getting Help To Sift Through The Narrative

Writing a true and full-scope narrative can be difficult when pain and emotions are involved. However, it is important for the sake of your marriage and future.

If you need someone to help walk you through these questions and to help write a strong narrative about your marriage, reach out to Orange County Christian Counseling on our website or at 949-281-3240 in the Southern California area. We are here to help.

Reference:
Expedition Marriage @ https://expeditionmarriage.org/
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Steps to Prevent Others From Overstepping Boundaries

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Setting boundaries is how people guard their lives against unacceptable behaviors. If there are no boundaries in place, then others will not know how to respect your personal space. They will set the stage for the treatment that people are subjected to.

Clear boundaries can establish how a person takes care of themselves emotionally and spiritually. They cultivate the realization that it’s not about how people view others, but rather how satisfied a person is with their life. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling provides guidance on setting healthy boundaries, empowering individuals to build stronger relationships and live with greater peace and purpose.

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. – Proverbs 4:23, ESV

Boundaries do not have to be spoken for a person to have them. Every person has a level of discomfort and that is the reason for them. It is best to communicate them to reduce any problems with others overstepping them.

Types of Boundaries

Personal boundaries differ from professional. These typically reflect how a person interacts with others. Physical contact, personal space, and verbal interaction all are areas that may require them.

There are categories for the common types.

Physical boundaries help with protecting personal space. People who are not “touchy-feely” often refrain from hugging and may have them in place to keep others from getting too close physically.

Emotional boundaries protect emotional well-being.

Workplace boundaries help protect the ability to work without interference. Workplace boundaries are typically set as a reflection of how a person conducts themselves professionally. It is common for these to be established after there has been an issue.

Material boundaries help with protecting personal belongings. Allowing others to use personal items can be done with written instructions. The instructions make it clear what is expected when something is borrowed.

Time boundaries help with protecting the use of time. This kind can be challenging, due to the categories of time management that people fall into, such as being late or being early. It is not uncommon for these two categories to clash. Setting a boundary can help present a solution to the conflicts that arise because of the different views of time.

Sexual boundaries help protect our sexual needs and safety. These are often noted in new relationships. By communicating what is comfortable in this area a person can prevent any type of miscommunication about desires.

Boundaries can be set in a manner that allows them to be in place no matter where a person may be at any time. They are set for a variety of situations where engagement with others is likely to happen.

Setting Boundaries That Work

Boundaries serve to keep people mentally and emotionally healthy. Some can be confusing and misunderstood. It is important to remember that sometimes they need to be communicated clearly to reduce the chance of someone unintentionally crossing them Being intentional about setting them will reduce any chance of someone overstepping them.

There are a few simple steps to setting healthy boundaries that will keep personal space protected.

Identify personal limits

Sometimes a boundary isn’t known until there is an issue in that area. Identifying personal limits of what is acceptable helps create a healthy boundary.

Communicate the boundary

After deciding to set a specific boundary, it must be communicated.

Know what needs to be said

Communicating boundaries to other people means that a person must understand what they want to convey to others. Learning what to say and how to say it can reduce miscommunication or misunderstanding.

There is no need for apologies or explanations

People commonly feel the need to explain why they have boundaries or apologize for setting them. It is perfectly acceptable to say “no” in a kind way without any type of explanation.

Be consistent

Setting a boundary is useless if there is no consistency. To prevent others from overstepping them it is vital to stand firm with the decision to set it. This reduces the chance that others will disrespect it.

Next Steps

There are times when people need boundaries. Knowing why they need to be set and how to set them can help create healthy relationships with people in your life. The first step is to identify what you consider to be healthy ones for you. Once that has been decided you can start the process of clarifying and communicating them.

To better understand why you need them and how to set them, the counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help. With the right faith-based plan, your counselor in Huntington Beach can help you create healthy ones that will work for you and those around you. Call our office today at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling in California for more information or to make an appointment.

References:

https://psychcentral.com/relationships/what-are-personal-boundaries-how-do-i-get-some#takeaway

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-to-help-a-friend/201711/why-is-it-important-to-have-personal-boundaries

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-addiction-connection/202210/5-steps-to-creating-and-maintaining-healthy-boundaries

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Help for Toxic Couples Through Christian Couples Counseling

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There is no such thing as the perfect couple. However, some couples have a healthy and flourishing relationship with a dysfunctional dynamic. Every relationship will have its issues and sticking points, and the couple will have problems that stem from their circumstances as well as how they respond to them. The question is whether the couple and their relationship can be called “toxic.”

What is a toxic relationship?

One of the words that has made the rounds online and in daily conversation is “toxic.” The word was once more commonly used to talk about byproducts from chemical or manufacturing plants, and it referred to waste and other materials that could cause death. Now, the word is often used to describe certain patterns of behavior that are problematic, and perhaps even dangerous.

As a person looks at their own life, they may not see themselves or what they say and do as toxic. Some of this is due to a lack of self-awareness, and some of it may be due to the human proclivity toward self-deception (Jeremiah 17:9). It’s possible to see and know your own bad habits, but to minimize them and their impact on other people. This makes it hard to acknowledge harmful or toxic behavior. If you’re struggling with this, Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help.

To describe a relationship as toxic doesn’t mean that every facet of it is deeply problematic and needs to be jettisoned entirely. Instead, it means that behavior patterns in the relationship hinder and undermine flourishing. It’s important to recognize that it’s not just one-off incidents, but patterns of behavior. This means one or both partners act in a certain problematic way more often than not.

Some Examples of Toxic Behaviors

Here are some examples of the kinds of behavior that are harmful or that undermine flourishing in a relationship. It’s important to remember that the greatest commandments are for us to love God with our whole heart, and to love one another the way we love ourselves (Matthew 22:34-40). The Bible then describes what that kind of love looks like – a consistent desire for and self-sacrifice for the good of the other person (1 Corinthians 13).

A relationship can and should be a place where people are loved. That means it’s a place where each partner sacrifices their own way, doesn’t demand to use their own understanding as the basis for decisions, and forgives over and over again.

A loving relationship is a place where each is seen, heard, given room to grow, supported in becoming who the Lord intends them to be, kept accountable to what is true and right and good, and where godly character flourishes. Some examples of toxic or harmful behaviors and attitudes that undermine these things include the following:

Constant conflict

Every relationship will have some conflict. When two people with different personalities and outlooks come together, there will be differences of opinion, and those can turn into conflict. Conflict may provide a couple with room to express themselves, their values, and their needs. At the end of conflict, the couple can have a better understanding of each other, and how to effectively meet felt needs.

If, on the other hand, a couple is constantly embroiled in conflict, and they don’t resolve their conflicts, then it’s problematic. Constant conflict and unresolved conflict undermine the couples’ relationship and sense of fulfillment. It may also point to deeper issues such as unwillingness to compromise, or poor communication.

Avoiding conflict

The other side of the conflict pendulum is a couple avoiding conflict. It can be an issue if one or both partners are walking on eggshells with each other, hesitating to bring up concerns because it’ll ruffle feathers, or leaving conflict situations unresolved instead of talking things through. Conflict may be unpleasant, but it may allow a couple to address issues, and, paradoxically, for them to draw closer together.

Avoiding conflict leaves issues unaddressed, leading to frustration and increasing resentment. It can also result in dwindling trust and a widening emotional gap between partners. Instead of de-escalating things, avoiding conflict allows issues to simmer in the background until they boil over.

Anger issues

Your partner is bound to do things that will drive you up the wall. You’ll get angry with each other. That’s different from anger issues, which occur when anger is present in your daily interactions, and gets expressed in unhealthy ways like shouting, swearing, hitting, throwing or breaking things, making threats, being sarcastic, giving the silent treatment, or engaging in self-harm. Another way to define anger issues is contempt.

Anger is a powerful emotion, one which often erupts when a boundary has been violated or we feel unsafe in some way. It’s not always meant to be bottled up, nor is it meant to be expressed in volatile and violent ways that harm others or us. Instead, when it is appropriate to express, it can and should be expressed calmly, assertively, and clearly.

Abuse

When you’re dealing with another person, you’re dealing with a fearfully and wonderfully made, beautiful image of our creator and Lord (Genesis 1:26-28; Psalms 139:14; James 3:9-10). That means there are appropriate and dignifying ways of treating and relating to such beings.

It also means there are inappropriate and undignified ways of relating to them. Due to the dynamics in relationships where there is active unwanted touch and sometimes other forms of abuse, couples counseling is not appropriate as it is not a safe relationship to restore one’s trust, and it isn’t fair to either one of the individuals.

Dishonesty

The truth is important in any relationship. It’s not always easy to say or hear the truth, but a relationship without truth has no foundation. A pattern of dishonesty, whether regarding the use of time, finances, who they’re spending time with, or what they truly think or feel, is problematic for a relationship.

There are many other ways in which a relationship can be toxic, including selfishness, lack of accountability, lack of empathy for one another, sabotaging one another’s efforts, withholding support or emotional availability, neglecting each other’s basic needs, or avoiding responsibilities in and around the home. These and other things can undermine the health of a relationship.

Help For Toxic Couples

What can you do if you’re in a toxic relationship? The answer depends on how toxic the relationship is and whether you both want to do something about it. A relationship can be so toxic that it’s a threat to life and limb, and a person’s well-being. In such cases, utilizing individual treatment is a more appropriate start to allow for both individuals to be heard and supported.

The only way a toxic relationship gets fixed is if both parties are committed to working at it. It requires awareness that the relationship is toxic and that both parties recognize that they aren’t honoring each other. You can seek help from a Christian couples counselor who can help you understand the unhealthy dynamics in your relationship. They can also work with you to improve communication, problem solving, and respect for each other.

Through Christian couples counseling, you can learn constructive ways of communicating and resolving conflict, learn how to hear each other and carve out space for one another, how to hold yourselves and each other accountable, and become more aware of how you and your partner best feel loved, so your felt needs are met. A toxic relationship can be turned around; your relationship can find a new life. Reach out for help today. A Christian couples counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you identify unhealthy dynamics and work toward better communication, problem-solving, and mutual respect.

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The Benefits of Christian Premarital Counseling

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Choosing Christian premarital counseling has helped many couples get clear on their relationship, work through obstacles, and learn lifelong skills.

The benefits of Christian premarital counseling are vast. You might think that you know your soon-to-be spouse. You’re in love with this person, so what is left to learn? Unfortunately, we cannot go merely on our feelings. There is more to a relationship than how you feel about the other person.

What Christian Premarital Counseling Can Do For You

Christian premarital counseling seeks to bring those things to the surface to discuss and circumvent potential obstacles. The following is a list of several benefits worth discussing during a counseling session. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling provides a supportive environment for couples to explore these topics and prepare for a strong, faith-centered marriage.

Family History

Knowing each other’s family history can help you understand their perspective. For example, if you grew up in poverty, you may have more resiliency to financial downturns than your spouse.

Family history can also affect how one reacts to situations or treats people. If they were abused as a child, they may be short-tempered with those they love. Everyone can change the trajectory of their life no matter where they started, but they might need help.

Goals for the Future

Do your goals mesh with your partner’s goals? For example, if your goal is to finish your education degree and teach in a local school, you might have an issue if your significant other wants to move several states away to work in a rural setting. You can find common ground, but you may need help brainstorming solutions that will work for both of you.

Learn Communication Skills

Many marriage troubles are due to a lack of communication skills. We often speak without hearing the other person. We might even concoct an answer while the other person is still speaking to us.

A counselor can introduce you to communication skills like active listening, asking open-ended questions, watching for nonverbal communication, speaking clearly and concisely, and displaying empathy toward your loved one.

Identify Obstacles

We have all heard of red flags, but how many have noticed them when we are in love? A third party, like a counselor, can help identify obstacles that might cause you issues in the future. Counseling is a safe place to discover and work through problems before they become roadblocks in your marriage.

Discuss Conflict Resolution

Many people handle conflict the way they were raised. Maybe they storm out during an argument, slam doors, or scream and yell. You and your significant other may have entirely different methods for expressing anger.

Counseling is a safe place to navigate anger and learn conflict resolution. Anger is not necessarily a wrong emotion, but how we manage it can lead to either a healthy relationship or a strained marriage.

Discuss Marriage Expectations

To avoid tension in the marriage, discuss expectations early in the relationship. For example, do you want to assume more traditional gender roles for housekeeping, with the husband working outside the home and the wife staying home? Do you plan to share the household duties equally? Would you rather (and can you afford) a housekeeper? Conflict can result if one spouse expects the other to assume a task if the responsibility is not shared.

Parenting Styles

If you plan to have children or already have children from a prior marriage, you will need to discuss parenting styles and come to an agreement. Were you raised by strict parents and want to follow in their footsteps? But what if your spouse wants to maintain a more laid-back and relaxed parenting style? A counselor can work as a mediator to help you reach a conclusion that combines your parenting styles for what may be best for the children.

Managing Finances

A marriage can end due to mismanagement of funds. Finances play a huge part in a marriage, including paying off student loans, planning a wedding, buying a house and car, going back to college, having a child, and medical expenses. Both spouses should have access to the financial records.

If one of you struggles with shopping addiction or gambling, speak to a counselor to learn how to manage finances, discuss checking and savings accounts, pay off debt, and budget for vacations and holidays.

Talk to a Counselor Before Taking the Leap

Before taking the leap, consider Christian premarital counseling as part of your wedding planning. You both must have a good mindset and are on the same page regarding your marriage and future life together.

Call us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling today to book a session with a counselor for Christian premarital counseling in Huntington Beach, California.

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Practical Advice for Newlyweds

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A marriage based on love and respect doesn’t just happen. It is something you need to work on. One of the biggest adjustments is making the mental shift from deciding things on your own to having your decisions involve someone else. In this situation, advice for newlyweds can be helpful.

Advice for Newlyweds

The following are some practical tips that can help smooth your transition from singlehood to marriage. Mostly they come from couples in happy, long-lasting marriages who have gone the distance themselves. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling offers guidance and support to help couples build strong foundations for a lasting marriage.

Remember your commitment

Marriage is a covenant with a person who is not always going to make you happy, nor you him or her. On hard days when you’re feeling frustrated or upset, remember your commitment. Be intentional about investing time, energy, and communication into understanding and meeting one another’s needs. Always be there for one another and learn how to attack problems together with a mindset of it being the two of you against the world, as opposed to against each other.

Have realistic expectations

Marriage is not all glamorous. There are going to be good days and bad days when you don’t feel in love, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your relationship. Ups and downs are inevitable in even the happiest of marriages. Not every disagreement, however, is worth fighting over. Learn to choose your battles wisely.

Be open and honest

Keep your lines of communication open and make a habit of talking often about your thoughts and feelings. Secrets divide but being open and honest with one another about everything – especially the stuff that hurts – will help foster trust, strengthen the connection between you, and increase intimacy.

Be quick to forgive

Don’t wait to stop feeling angry before being willing to forgive. It does not mean pretending not to be hurt, disappointed, or upset, but if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, it is an intentional choice to set aside pride and extend the same grace to your spouse that Christ extended to you on the cross. Forgiveness provides space to work things out rather than allow an issue to fester and damage the rest of your relationship.

Avoid accusations and defensiveness

Avoid focusing on past upsets or using threats of divorce to get what you want. Be kind and communicate respectfully, even when you are feeling upset. Remember that your spouse is not a mind reader. Tell him or her what the cause of your distress is using “I” statements to express how it causes you to feel, rather than make accusations, cast blame, or be defensive about your part in the issue.

Practice active listening

Assume the best of one another. If your spouse’s actions upset you, try to find out what their motivation was before jumping to conclusions. Listen attentively to what they are saying. Try to understand their perspective, and validate their thoughts and feelings, even if you don’t agree with them. Being empathetic and compassionate with one another will strengthen the connection between you.

Be flexible and willing to compromise

Being flexible and willing to compromise will allow you to grow and learn from your mistakes. Take responsibility for your part in any problem you face as a couple and be quick to offer an apology if an apology is due.

Laugh together

Look for the humor in frustrating situations. A good laugh can help diffuse tension, alter your perspective, and make your journey more memorable.

Plan date nights

Make time for regular one-on-one activities as a couple. Especially once you have children, these times can help you stay connected and increase your feelings of closeness.

Keep the spark alive

Make your spouse your best friend and don’t stop building your love for one another. Take an interest in each other’s interests, and look for fresh, new experiences to share, such as trying out a new restaurant, going on an adventure, or taking a vacation in a romantic spot.

Encourage one another

Regularly tell your spouse what you love and appreciate about them, do kind things for one another, and look for ways to brighten each other’s day.

Give each other space

Respect each other’s need for alone time occasionally. Having time to recharge and enjoy personal interests is as important as couple time and can strengthen your relationship.

Keep your private life private

One of the greatest pieces of advice for newlyweds is to keep private matters private. If you have problems in your relationship, seek help from someone qualified to give it to you rather than talk about it to anyone who will listen. Don’t speak negatively about your spouse to other people, or air personal issues on social media.

If you have questions about this article on advice for newlyweds or would like to pursue Christian couples counseling in Huntington Beach, California to help strengthen your bond, please give us a call at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling.

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The Dangers of Toxic Positivity in Relationships

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Some people are just the life of the party, and some people are what you’d call a ray of sunshine. There are times when the mood needs to be lifted, and when some positivity helps everyone in the room. However, not every moment or situation needs the same treatment, and insisting on it can become deeply problematic. The term ‘toxic positivity’ can help to describe some of these harmful tendencies.

What is toxic positivity?

We all tend to dislike experiences that generate sadness, guilt, shame, or loneliness, but some seek to steer clear of them altogether. These experiences and situations can’t be avoided though. When they happen, they need to be faced squarely. Being positive during such times is one thing, but toxic positivity is when a person avoids, suppresses, or rejects negative emotions or experiences.

It can look like shaming others for experiencing certain emotions, denying any negative emotions, invalidating one’s natural emotions, and an inability to respect other people’s emotional experiences. For instance, if someone has been having a tough time at work, a toxically positive person might respond, “You’re lucky to even have a job.”

To be sure, there is a place for gratitude in everyday life, but the person who struggles with toxic positivity doesn’t leave much room for others to express their feelings if those feelings aren’t positive. That can have significant drawbacks in a relationship. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling offers tools to foster authentic communication and emotional balance in relationships.

Some dangers of toxic positivity in relationships

For a relationship to flourish, the people in it must be able to express themselves honestly. Vulnerability is essential for intimacy and the health of the relationship. Toxic positivity in relationships can manifest in damaging ways that include gaslighting by downplaying or dismissing someone’s feelings, which can make them question their own emotions.

Another way that toxic positivity can manifest is by minimizing issues. It often results in dismissing or trivializing issues, rather than addressing and resolving them. Forced optimism is another reality, as the person with a toxic positivity will constantly demand a positive attitude, which in turn disregards others’ valid concerns or emotions.

Further, shaming or blaming is also a feature of toxic positivity, by criticizing or judging someone for not being positive enough. Toxic positivity will also often result in avoiding conflicts because it’s easier to sweep issues under the rug rather than confront and resolve them. While gratitude is important, toxic positivity results in an overemphasis on gratitude, without acknowledging valid frustrations or concerns.

Additionally, it can ignore or disrespect someone else’s boundaries under the guise of “staying positive” and can also result in toxic encouragement, which is pushing someone to do more without considering their well-being or limitations. In a relationship, toxic positivity can also lead to unrealistic expectations such as expecting a partner always to be happy, perfect, or positive.

Those who are toxically positive often demonstrate a lack of empathy and a failure to understand and validate someone else’s emotional experience. Healthy relationships thrive on authenticity, empathy, vulnerability, and understanding. Toxic positivity undermines these essential qualities that a relationship needs to flourish. Ultimately, it can harm the relationship and make it an unsafe place for others.

Growing to embrace difficult feelings

A person can hold onto toxic positivity for various reasons, but it is damaging not only to others but also to the toxically positive person. However, the good news is that it’s possible to overcome toxic positivity and learn to create space and embrace difficult feelings. Learning to overcome toxic positivity requires recognizing and challenging harmful behaviors and attitudes. Some steps to help include:

Recognizing toxic positivity

Self-reflect and develop your self-awareness to begin learning to identify when you are dismissing other’s emotions, minimizing problems, or forcing optimism in a given situation.

Embracing authenticity and imperfection

Allow yourself to feel and express a range of emotions, without judgment. Recognize the fact that no one is perfect except the Lord, and mistakes that you or anyone else makes are growth opportunities.

Setting realistic expectations

In line with the above, learn to let go of unrealistic expectations and keep your mind trained on progress and not perfection. Challenge any harmful beliefs you may have and reframe any unrealistic expectations you have of yourself or others. Cultivate a growth mindset so that you can embrace challenges and grow as you learn from your failures.

Nurturing emotional intelligence

Learn to recognize, understand, and healthily manage your emotions. Similarly, learn to recognize the emotions of others, and allow them to express a range of emotions without judgment. Practice empathy by listening actively to try and understand how others feel and see things.

Practicing mindfulness

Grow your ability to focus on the present moment and let go of the need for constant positivity.

Seeking professional help

Moving beyond toxic positivity requires self-awareness, empathy, and a willingness to embrace authenticity. You don’t have to do it alone. You can speak with a therapist or counselor to help you address underlying issues that fuel your toxic positivity.

Getting help

If you feel you fit this description or are in a relationship with someone who is toxically positive, reach out to our offices today. A Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you develop healthy coping strategies as you grow in your ability to embrace difficult feelings and situations.

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Parenting Tips for When You’re Feeling Overwhelmed

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Scripture says that “Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him,” (Psalm 127:3, NIV), and that can guide how to approach the children in your care. As gifts given by God, children deserve consideration, care, and wisdom to be raised well without exasperating them (Ephesians 6:1-4). Jesus’ attitude to children ought to inform how we welcome, acknowledge, and take joy in our children (Mark 10:13-14) even when we’re feeling overwhelmed.

All the above is true, and it should function as a north star for parents who want to raise their children in the Lord. These truths need to be remembered, and they are most easily forgotten in between school runs, doing laundry for the umpteenth time in a week, cleaning up messes, breaking up fights between siblings, dealing with tantrums and raging hormones, soothing and tending to wounds, and everything else that happens in most households. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling offers guidance and support for parents striving to raise their children with faith and grace amid life’s daily challenges.

It’s a beautiful, but overwhelming life

Being a parent is a beautiful and humbling experience. From the moment they are born or become part of your family, children bring joy, laughter, and a fresh perspective on life as you see things through their eyes. Nonetheless, the mom or dad life can also get overwhelming.

Parents and caregivers can get overwhelmed when they’re dealing with their children. This can happen for many reasons, including the fact that they may need to attend to work in addition to parenting. There are many demands on an adult’s life, and it can be hard balancing these with taking care of a child. This is especially true when they are young and need lots of attention, or if they have special needs and need consistent support.

Apart from the time demands on parents and caregivers, parenting can also get overwhelming due to a lack of resources and skills. If a child is dealing with depression, anxiety, an anger management disorder, or another mental health concern, a parent may not have the tools right away to understand what’s happening, and to know how best to support their child. During that early part of the learning curve, things can get overwhelming.

Additionally, parenting can get overwhelming if, as a parent, you have issues of your own that you need to work through. For instance, if a parent has anger issues, or they have abandonment issues, they may struggle with handling their child, though they love them dearly. It can be hard to stay calm under pressure or to help them with their emotions when one’s upbringing didn’t prepare them to recognize emotions and respond appropriately.

Hence, being a parent is both a wonderful and a remarkable gift, and also an intensive, heavy responsibility. It’s important to know how best to respond when you’re feeling overwhelmed, and the resources you can make use of to parent your child(ren) well.

Dealing with feeling overwhelmed

Being overwhelmed by parenting is more common than you’d imagine. Though it’s not entirely reliable, if you check out parenting groups and conversations online, you’ll find out quickly enough that you aren’t alone in the struggle. Knowing this can be a comfort. Some steps you can take in dealing with feeling overwhelmed in your parenting include:

Acknowledge what’s happening

It can be tempting to avoid, divert blame, or even get angry about what you’re feeling, without acknowledging it for what it is. When a parent feels overwhelmed, they can feel shame, guilt, self-blame, anger, and so on. Societal pressure to look like you have it together can conspire to make you deny what’s going on.

Ask for help

When you acknowledge what’s happening, and recognize that it’s okay if you struggle, that can open the way for you to ask for help. Whether you’re reaching out to your partner, trusted friends, neighbors, or your own parents for support, asking for help can provide you with the resources and capacity to cope.

Where possible, outsource or delegate responsibilities to others to lighten your load. You don’t love your child any less if you have help to handle certain aspects of life as a parent.

Make self-care a priority

Taking care of yourself is essential, whether that’s taking breaks to refresh yourself, carving out time for activities you enjoy, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly and eating well to boost your mood and energy, or learning to practice mindfulness so that you can be firmly in the present and relinquish worries.

Set realistic expectations

You won’t be able to do everything perfectly as a parent. Sometimes we can set an unattainable standard or one that’s not cognizant of present realities. We can also shape our identity around being a parent in ways that hinder our ability to struggle or seek help. That adds a burden that’s hard to bear.

Seek professional help

You can make use of parenting classes to help you nurture skills that will assist your parenting. Support groups for parents are available as spaces to share ideas and for parents to support one another. Additionally, a mental health professional can help you address specific concerns regarding your child, or if you’re working through your own issues that require processing and resolution.

Getting help

It’s okay to not have all the answers. Parenting is an exciting and sometimes bewildering journey. If it is getting to be too much or you feel overwhelmed, reach out to our offices today. A Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you work through any concerns or questions you may have about parenting your children well.

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Conflict Management: The Art of the Sincere Apology

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We’re human. As much as we would like to believe we are perfect, we are fallible. One of the most crucial elements of conflict management is the ability to sincerely apologize. Unfortunately, despite our best efforts, our imperfections are sometimes most evident in our human interactions. We stumble and cause damage to friends, family, neighbors, and co-workers. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling offers support to help individuals and families navigate conflict and learn the power of sincere apologies.

The good news is that despite our shortcomings, we possess a powerful tool that can potentially mend the divisions we create. A sincere apology can help us humbly acknowledge an offense or failure and show that we have a genuine commitment to change. This act helps to validate the other person’s feelings and acknowledges your awareness of responsibility. It is an art form that, when practiced with sincerity, can restore trust, deepen relationships, and inspire growth.

Why apologize?

Extensive psychological research points to the value of a sincere apology. When done correctly, it can repair a damaged relationship, bring closure to painful situations, and alleviate guilt. Good apologies are not just giving lip service or about getting forgiveness and moving on but involve a sincere expression of remorse and a genuine effort to understand and repair the harm you caused.

The Bible teaches that admitting wrongdoings and repenting are crucial steps in seeking forgiveness from both God and others. In 1 John 1:9, we are told to confess our sins and that we can be assured that God will be faithful to forgive and purify us. In the book of James, we are told to confess our sins to each other and to pray for each other so that we might be healed.

Apologizing brings reconciliation between conflicting parties, teaches us humility, and allows us to acknowledge our wrongdoings. Apologizing allows us to confess and repent of our sins and leads to peace in our hearts and relationships.

What makes an apology sincere?

A sincere apology encompasses four key elements, that when combined, convey a genuine desire to make amends. Here is how to make your next apology sincere and meaningful:

Acknowledging the mistake

By clearly and explicitly stating what went wrong, you demonstrate that you understand the negative impacts of your actions on others. Take responsibility for your actions and avoid justifying them or pushing blame on the other person. If you use a phrase like “I’m sorry, but…” you are negating the apology. Acknowledgment is the foundation of a meaningful and sincere apology.

Expressing remorse

Words alone are often not enough to convey your true remorse. The tone of voice, overall demeanor, and body language you use all reflect your genuine regret for the harm you caused. The recipient often feels a greater sense of sincerity when you allow them the opportunity to speak their mind uninterrupted.

Practice active listening skills by nodding your head and maintaining eye contact. Try not to fidget or appear distracted so the other person knows that you are focused on what they are communicating.

Commitment to change

A promise not to repeat the offending behavior is another principal element of a sincere apology. It shows a willingness to learn from mistakes and the desire to change. Be specific when you explain how you plan to do things differently to avoid repeating the offense. Do not demand or expect immediate forgiveness. Give the other person time to process their emotions.

Understanding and empathizing

Validating the other person’s emotions and showing empathy can help to heal the wounds caused by your actions. Avoid minimizing the situation. Do not say things like “It wasn’t a big deal” or tell the person that they are overreacting. It’s better to express that you understand that your actions affected the other person and to empathize with them.

A sincere apology is not about saying the perfect words or using a fancy vocabulary. It’s about taking ownership of your actions, demonstrating empathy, and committing to change. By using these tips, you should be able to craft a sincere apology that can help to bring about healing in your relationships.

If you are still struggling to make your apologies sincere, consider talking with a therapist. They can help you understand the reasons behind the difficulties and can guide you through the apology process. A Christian therapist at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can also help you learn to forgive yourself and reassure you that Jesus has already paid the price for your sins.

By mastering the art of a sincere apology, you can strengthen your relationships and be a lighthouse pointing others to the forgiveness of Christ.

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Whose Turn is It to Say, “I’m Sorry”?

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It’s the famous question nobody wants to admit that they ask, and everybody swears they know the answer to: “Whose turn is it to say, ‘I’m sorry’?” There is no perfect formula. There are always exceptions to rules based on the circumstances. Many Christians don’t like the true answer to this question and rely on something other than God to change a heart.

You won’t like this answer

When asking, “Whose turn is it to say, ‘I’m sorry’?” more often than not it is going to be your turn first. Before you elbow that “certain someone” and offer them this article to read, re-read that last sentence: “More often than not it is going to be your turn first.”

The answer that it is “your turn” to say sorry first can be a hard answer to accept, especially if you feel like you’ve been saying sorry first more often and/or your spouse doesn’t exactly make a point to return an apology. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help individuals and couples learn the value of forgiveness and communication in relationships.

It is your turn to say sorry first

Why? The first reason it is more likely your turn to say sorry first is because you want to win. You may think winning looks like the other person coming to your side of things, humbling themselves, owning their wrongs. You may also think that it isn’t about winning, it’s about what’s right. However, what’s right is that marriage, especially between two Christians, is a race to say “I’m sorry” first (Matthew 18:21-35).

You see, it’s humility that wins the prize. Humility is seeing yourself properly. As Romans 3:23 puts it, “all have sinned.” The two of you have also become one flesh, bound together as equals. So, there’s no higher ground to be gained over your spouse.

The question “Whose turn is it to say sorry?” indicates that there are wrongs you need to confess just as much as the other person. Withholding your apology to wait for theirs isn’t supported by the Bible.

Own only what you can

Being humble and apologizing first does not mean you need to take full responsibility for what happened. It also doesn’t mean you get to boast about apologizing and badger your spouse for an apology.

Owning only what you can own looks like apologizing for something within the circle of your control. You cannot control their reactions, but you absolutely can influence their feelings and can control your own. For example, your overreaction or their claim that you insulted them are two areas where you can make apologies without owning more than your share of the problem.

If you are going to be the first to apologize, be sure not to make something up (Proverbs 12:22, James 5:16). Lying in an apology just to apologize first will only add to your conflict. Only say you are sorry for what you can own.

If it is difficult to recognize any wrong you’ve done, ask what you can be sorry for through prayer and/or directly talking to your spouse (Psalms 139:23-24). Maybe it is a hardness of heart toward them because of a wrong they have done to you. Maybe it is a wrong you did even years before that influenced them to commit the current wrong against you.

Don’t be fooled into believing that if you apologize for something it justifies their wrong actions against you. It’s clear that God is a just God and He doesn’t see things like that, so neither should we.

“I’m sorry” doesn’t make them right

It can be immensely difficult to be the first one to say “I’m sorry.” Finding something to own in an apology doesn’t mean there isn’t much more about which you’d like an apology from them. But sometimes, you have to ignore your spouse’s wrongs again and again while you work on your own wrongs and work things out with God (Matthew 7:3, Romans 12:17-19).

Besides, there will be time for concentrating on their wrongs later. Giving them an apology first without the strings attached of them needing to apologize often opens up room for them to approach with one.

When it doesn’t, we have to trust that God has both given us grace and mercy when we did not deserve it and that He will never let a wrong go without using it for His glory and the good of those who love Him.

Saying sorry doesn’t mean it feels better

Relying on a sorry to smooth things over is a setup for both you and your spouse. An apology doesn’t make the wrong disappear. Taking time to recover from being wronged is a natural repercussion.

This is true for little wrongs and big wrongs. This is true whether or not they wronged you in bigger ways than you wronged them. Waiting for your spouse to recover from their emotions, even after an apology, can be one of the most uncomfortable times between you and your spouse.

Choose to do the humble thing and trust God that it will glorify Him. No matter how long it takes or whether it ever results in gleeful peace between the two of you, by putting God first and trusting that He is using all things for your good and His glory, you can be sure that He will do what He says He will do: provide peace that protects your heart and your mind, provide joy beyond circumstance, and provide the blessing your enjoyment of His presence in heaven.

Heart changes come from God

When it comes to answering the question, “whose turn is it to say sorry,” it is all about heart work. The heart work you do with the Lord matters just as much as it does for your spouse. If you desire an apology from them, your heart work needs to be prioritized so you’re able to wait for their heart to be changed.

Your spouse isn’t going to change just because it’s the right thing to do until they fully believe it is the right thing to do. Just like King David, any of us humans can convince ourselves that what we are doing is right. It takes God to reveal our mistakes/faulty thinking (2 Sam 12).

As much as you may want your spouse to change and be the one to apologize first, you might not be the one who God uses to help change their heart. There may be more important matters at hand (1 Corinthians 7:25). That being said, it is often saying something once and allowing God to change their hearts that brings about the best of changes instead of using more words to try to get through to them.

If you are going to continue to speak to your spouse about an issue, whether for the first time or the fiftieth, choose your words before and after your apology through prayer and fasting (Esther 4:16, James 1:5, Psalm 4:4). Watch out for roots of bitterness that can spoil your words and actions.

Bitterness

Bitterness is a quick weed that can take over and suffocate any growth in a marriage. If you find yourself repeating the same words with your spouse about something you’re unhappy with, you need to consider the environment you’ve created is exactly where bitterness likes to grow.

A mature Christian is marked by extending grace to all (Hebrews 12). If bitterness is growing toward your spouse, grace is the antidote. Ephesians 4 talks about the love God has for us to give to one another. This love is expected most readily in a marriage.

A general guide to safeguard against pride and bitterness is to pray more than you correct. Love suffers all things, but it stands against sin. Through prayer, you can gain discernment about whether God wants you to address it with your spouse or let it go.

Support

Making an apology first can be hard. You may find yourself in a place where it is too difficult. You may find your marriage in a state where apologies don’t exist or seem to mean little. A Christian therapist is someone who you can talk to about these things privately with or without your spouse. Connect with us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to get started today.

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How to Fix a Toxic Relationship: 8 Bible Verses to Consider

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Looking to figure out how to fix a toxic relationship? Here are 8 Bible verses to consider while deciding if the relationship has any hope of continuing.

Being stuck in a toxic relationship

The cause of all toxic behavior is sin, which entered the world when Adam and Eve, the first man and woman, rebelled against God (Genesis 3). Because we are children of our first parents, we are all stained with this original sin. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling helps individuals toward healing and growth in faith.

We feel anger, pride, and selfishness, and we feel trapped. This causes us to constantly search for something to hope in or a way of escape. There is one hope only of escaping this sin: Jesus Christ who died for us so that we could be saved (Romans 5:8). With His grace, we can find out how to fix a toxic relationship.

Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? – 2 Corinthians 6:14

Paul admonished the church in Corinth for their lack of love and indifference toward him. This was because of their close connections with unbelievers. This had corrupted their spiritual growth.

Does this other person indulge people that distract from the gospel in your relationship? If this person or spouse is not being built up by believers, and is instead satisfied with being poured into by unbelievers, it is likely that you have a toxic relationship on your hands. Prayer is a great place to start as God promises He gives wisdom generously to all, without reproach as we ask Him with faith that He will provide it (James 1).

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. – Hebrews 13:14

This was one of the final exhortations by Paul to his followers in his epistle while imprisoned. He wanted them to show hospitality to strangers, remember those mistreated in prison, shun the love of money, and be content with what they had, remembering the Lord is always there to love and guide you. He is there for us in marriage, too.

God founded the institution; therefore, its vows must be upheld. Nothing is to come between you and loving your spouse and holding them in high regard – not their attitude or behavior, not your kids, not a job or other activity, not another person in any way.

Today, this type of behavior is too prevalent, often resulting in the break-up of marriages. If you find there is anything in the way of loving your spouse, you need to pray to the Lord for help to fix this toxic relationship and help you to rely on Him to help you do it His way.

Do not be deceived; ‘bad company corrupts good morals.’ – 1 Corinthians 15:33

This is true in all relationships – family, friends, and work. Who are your “friends?” Do they support you in times of want; are they there for you no matter the circumstances? Or do they disappear, making you wonder who you can trust? The Lord will never leave your side. He is incorruptible.

As a Christian, you are called to love others. Loving means taking the right course of action, in accordance with God’s Word, and to not be corrupted or change your views. He is the Lord, and He will let you know how to fix a toxic relationship with others. Conform to God’s law, not the world’s.

If your brother sins against you, go, and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and tax collector. – Matthew 18:15-17

These are strong words, but they ensure accountability and effective conflict resolution. You must look at others as souls. Forgiving a person (family, friend, co-worker, etc.) or spouse means looking at them as a fellow “brother” or “sister” in Christ, a soul that has been redeemed and is called righteous just as you are.

Forgiving someone who is not a believer is loving our enemies just as we are instructed to, and looking at them as souls in need of a Savior. Wading through the consequences of the wrongs done might take longer. Knowing how to fix a toxic relationship can involve deeper issues that will take time to understand. Take it to the Lord in prayer, search His Word for wisdom, and seek out good, God-centered counsel.

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. – 1 Corinthians 6:8

When it comes to sex, we see that nothing is new under the sun. In Paul’s day, sex of all kinds was normal for most people. This included adultery, prostitution, pedophilia, homosexuality, etc. Sex outside of marriage was accepted as normal, just as it is today. Paul states you must flee from sexual immorality. It’s wiser to escape from this sin than be subdued by it (Genesis 39:7-12). You are only harming yourself and others involved.

Paul fought against the casual attitude toward it by some Christians and the pain it causes to both spouses. Today we still commit these sins. This causes friction, bad attitudes, and bad relationships. You will need to learn how to fix this toxic relationship.

Rely on the Lord. Pray for a resolution that will return the love you feel for your spouse and an escape from any relationship that does not honor God by respecting the design of sex to be between a married man and woman. Seek counsel to help point you to God’s will.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others. – Philippians 2:3-4

Paul once more tells us to treat others’ needs as more important than our own, and other people as greater than us. By doing this, you will achieve the kind of humility that results in love and unity. His goal was to center attention on other people, not yourself. We need to do this in our personal relationships and marriages.

By treating people with respect, you will be influencing the relationship out of toxicity. There will be the most opportunity for harmony and understanding of each other’s needs when at least one person is honoring the Lord. There may still be conflict, but true love will, with God’s help, see you through such times as you look to suffer well and seek out the other soul’s good above your own.

I appeal to you brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine you have been taught; avoid them. For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naïve. – Romans 16:17-18

Paul begs the Christians in Rome to be on their guard against false teaching, by holding to the truth they know and protecting it at all costs. He knew that others would come after him and try to sow division and confusion in the church, seeking after their own selfish desires.

Fixing a toxic relationship is a manner of speaking the truth to one another, whether at home, the office, or with anyone. Cling to the gospel to see your way through any measure of toxic relationship. Put everything to the test of Scripture to make straight your paths.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

With this chapter, it’s easy to see that love conquers all. There is nothing it can’t overcome. This is the love of Christ. As followers of Christ, we strive to love like this by the power of the Holy Spirit. Knowing how to fix a toxic relationship is using this love for every relationship. The Lord will show you how if you ask Him. Evil is overcome by the power of love.

It is quite clear in these verses that love should dominate our thoughts and actions. How to fix a toxic relationship then becomes a simple matter of understanding God’s love and loving the other person, with guidance from a Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling.

Get help with your relationships today by reaching out to a therapist on our website.

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