How to Find the Best Family Counselor for Your Needs

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There are a number of considerations you need to make when you are looking for a family counselor that is a perfect fit for your family. The options can seem overwhelming, and it is important to know what you’re looking for so as to have the greatest chance of healing family issues.

One common reason why people are reluctant to seek out a family therapist is that they’re not sure what to look for in a counselor. Unfortunately, another common reason comes down to bad experiences in the past with counselors, which causes anxiety about having a repeat experience.

This article will equip you to make the right decision regarding a family counselor that meets the needs of you and your family. We’ll look at different types of family counselors so that you can make an informed choice, go over the qualities that make a therapist a good fit for your family and look at some of the costs of family therapy. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help guide you in selecting the right family counselor for your unique needs.

When Should I Start Looking for a Family Counselor?

A lot of people make the mistake of waiting until there is a crisis before they seek help. Usually, by this point, a number of failed attempts to resolve problems will have been made, and a considerable amount of psychological damage will be been done.

It’s important for you to know that you don’t have to be in crisis in order to approach a family therapist. In fact, it is better to seek out therapy while the issues are still in the early stages because getting help means that you’ll be able to learn skills to handle all the issues that come with family life.

Family counseling has been shown to help in reducing the severity of family problems, and even removing the problems entirely. Central to the success of family therapy is a counselor that meets the needs of all the family members so that every member is able to express themselves honestly during therapy sessions. To find the right family counselor you have to understand your family’s needs.

What are You Looking for in Family Counseling?

People enter family counseling for a variety of reasons and it is vital to understand why you are seeking help. It may be because you are struggling with parenting issues, having communication difficulties with your spouse, or want to support your child through the process of therapy. Some family therapists can address all of these issues, but many will have specialties in different areas, so are more suited to providing specific kinds of therapy.

Couples Therapy

Many people see couples’ therapy as something which married couples engage in when their relationship has already broken down. It’s seen as a last resort to save the marriage. However, couples’ therapy is not only for couples who have reached this level of breakdown.

Rather, couples’ therapy can help people in relationships whether married, engaged or just dating. One benefit of couples’ therapy is that it increases the level of positive functioning in the relationship. Some people only require a few sessions in which they explore effective communication, conflict management, and handling abusive behavior.

Behavior Intervention

This type of therapy is perfect for families with children who are struggling with relationships with peers or adults in the community, at school or having difficulties at home. Behavior intervention includes both children and adults in the family.

In this type of family therapy, children are able to learn about acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. Methods such as rewards, praise and consequences can be utilized. Parents are taught the importance of boundaries, and how to build appropriate reward systems, as well as other important techniques.

Family counselors will often ask parents to describe what happens before, during and after the child’s problem behavior, and use this information to find solutions that will modify the behavior of both the child and the adults in these three areas.

Parents need to be part of behavior intervention sessions as they can learn skills from the therapist that can be later implemented at home.

Parent Coaching

Parent coaching differs from behavior intervention in that this type of family therapy in that this type focuses on the parents’ behavior. Children may be involved in the sessions, but do not have to be present for parent coaching to take place.

Coaching is a means of developing the skills that parents need to be able to support their child’s emotional, physical and social health. Parenting skills such as effective discipline, boundaries, and communication can be hugely beneficial.

Difficulties Between Parent and Child

Relationship difficulties between parents and children can have a severe impact on family dynamics. Family therapy can be effective in dealing with issues such as disrespect and fights and arguments. Children with mental health issues or who are going through puberty may also be helped by family counselors so that more positive relationships can be forged.

There’s no doubt that raising children can be challenging, and because children are individuals, parenting techniques that worked with older siblings may not work with other children.

This can be particularly frustrating and make relationships between parent and child fraught with stress. Family therapy can offer a means of rebuilding difficult relationships and finding the right skills to deal with issues that arise.

Navigating Systems Involvement (CPS, Police, Schools)

People in crisis often struggle in various different areas of their lives, and this may include education, legal and child protective services. Having the involvement of these systems can cause confusion and raise even more difficulties. You may feel that these outside organizations are taking over and pushing you around.

If you are having trouble dealing with the involvement of outside systems, and feel that you are not being listened to, it can be helpful to consider accessing therapy from a clinical social worker. These specially trained social workers have the skills necessary to navigate systems, provide advocacy, and give you the kind of therapeutic support that you and your family need.

What is Important in a Family Counselor?

The most crucial thing to consider when looking for a family therapist is that they are someone with whom you feel comfortable. Every therapist is different in some way or another, and sometimes a therapist’s manner or approach just won’t fit well with you.

For example, some therapists have a kind of “tough love” approach, which might not work for you, but a therapist who has a gentler approach may be a better fit for you – or vice versa.

Knowing the type of personality or manner in a therapist that would best fit your family is equally important as finding someone with the right kind of specialized skills for your difficulties. It is helpful to read a therapist’s website and articles or blogs they have written, as these will give you clues to the therapist’s personality and approach to therapy.

When you make an appointment with a family counselor, it is a good idea to ask questions about their working methods and their practice. This, too, is an effective way of seeing whether the therapist will be a good fit.

If you have doubts about whether you and your family will be comfortable with the counselor, then remember that there are other therapists who will be a better fit. It may take a little time, but you will find the right therapist for you.

It is helpful to take into consideration the type of practice the counselor has. Some are based on religion, others focus primarily on children or adults. These considerations are important because they are factors that impact the way the therapist is used to working.

Faith-based practices can help by bringing faith into sessions, as part of the healing process, and this is not for everyone. Other practices that cater mainly for adults may not have skills in play therapy or involving children in sessions. Likewise, practices who work primarily with children may not have all the tools needed to work with adult aspects of family therapy, such as adult children.

Other Things to Consider

In addition to issues regarding the type of therapy and the therapist, you should consider the costs involved in family therapy. Family therapy can be expensive, but when you put it into perspective and consider the costs of other failed attempts at healing, it may not seem so expensive.

Therapy is a little like preventative medicine. Investing in therapy now can save a lot of expense and pain in the future. Therapy can also be made more affordable with a little knowledge.

Some therapists will bill insurance directly, classed as in-network providers. This means that they will take payment from you and bill your insurance on your behalf.

However, a lot of therapists will not take insurance directly, because there are high costs involved in their kind of business. They operate as “out of network providers”. This means that they will bill you for the session fee and give you a receipt. This receipt can be given to your insurance provider, and you will get back a percentage of the fee paid.

It is a good idea to ask your insurance provider how much they will reimburse you, and what limitations there are on what they will pay for. It is unwise to assume that your insurance will pay for your therapy and then find yourself in debt because your insurance won’t pay out.

An alternative to paying for therapy as part of insurance (if you don’t want to use your insurance or don’t have insurance) is to pay for therapy “out of pocket”, which is paying the therapist their fee each session. Rates can range between $150 and $200 a session. Fees do vary considerably, so it is vital that you ask your therapist their fee before deciding about therapy.

Many families will pay up to 25% of their combined income on therapy. This may seem like a lot, but don’t forget that therapy is preventative, and can substantially increase functionality in families.

Some therapists offer what is known as a sliding scale for people who may struggle to pay for therapy due to limited income. The therapist changes their rate according to the client’s income. Not all therapists offer this, and the amounts charged can vary considerably. Often their sliding scale will be based on things such as their business operating costs, and the size of their practice in addition to client income.

If you feel that you cannot pay for therapy or that private practice isn’t for you, then there are some non-profit agencies that will accept state insurance if you have it. Other practices may offer discounted therapy from trainee therapists who are not yet fully licensed.

Where Can I Find a Therapist Near Me?

Once you know the type and style of therapist that your family needs, you can start looking in your local area for a therapist that meets your requirements. If you want to find “in-network providers,” your insurance provider may be able to give you a list of therapists who bill directly to them. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can be a helpful resource as you search for the right therapist for your family’s needs.

If you’re looking for providers who accept state insurance, look for a non-profit in the area who may be able to help.

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Effective Anger Management Strategies for Adults

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Though anger is a useful emotion to have at times, it becomes a big liability when it runs rampant every time things don’t go your way. When uncontrolled, relationships are damaged, your reputation is tarnished, and peace of mind is lost.

In this article, we look at some sound techniques for managing anger so that your life and your walk with Christ will not be damaged because of anger.

Helpful Anger Management Tools

Recognize the Anger Warning Signs

Similar to many other mental and physical disorders, it is important to recognize if you are about to lose control. If this can be done, then the anger management tools can be made use of. It helps to pay attention to what triggers your uncontrollable anger – what scenarios, who are usually involved, and how were you feeling at the time. Once this is known, you can already prepare yourself before entering similar situations. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you develop strategies and techniques to manage your anger in a healthy, constructive way.

It is also essential to know the warning signs that you are about to have a meltdown. Physically, you may experience increased heart rate, heavy breathing, jaw clenching or teeth grinding, clenching of fists, shaking, headache, stomach ache, or the reddening of the face.

Mentally and emotionally, you may have feelings of violence (e.g. hitting, throwing, or breaking things); you may be obsessing over the problem, or your mind may go blank. There may also be specific actions that occur before you fully lose control such as constant pacing, hurling of insults or curses, or screaming or yelling.

Take a Time-out

A time-out is a very effective way of preventing anger from escalating to rage. As soon as the anger indicators occur, it is best to step away and cool down before regrettable things take place.

While taking that time-out, it can help to do some of the following:

  • Take a shower – Many say that the physical experience of a shower can cool down the mind and senses, allowing a person to think better.
  • Take a walk – A change of scenery can give you a better perspective on what is happening. And as a form of exercise, restless energy is released and the mind calms down.
  • Listen to music – Instrumental music or, better yet, Christ-centered music can help you focus more on Christ to help you make the right decisions.
  • Pray and then think – As you wait for your anger to subside, you should first pray to God for wisdom and assistance for the issue at hand. Then start thinking of possible solutions to the problem. Once you have a few ideas in mind, consider the manner of how you will present them. Though you may have been hurt by the latest confrontation, returning to the discussion with hurtful words will just escalate the situation and probably cause you to become angry once more.

Let Off Some Steam

For some people, a walk is not enough to release all the negative energy. In such a case, it is best to go for something very physical such as lifting weights, cycling, running, or playing a sport. Doing yard work is another way to release steam and help out with the chores.

Distract Yourself

If you are not into strenuous exercise, it also helps to distract yourself with something fun, calming, or helpful. Watch a funny movie, work on a project at home, read a book, paint, cook, or help out a friend with something they need to be done at home.

Use Some Tried-and-Tested Relaxation Techniques

Many Christian anger management counselors recommend the following to regain control:

  • Deep breathing

A standard exercise is to breathe in slowly through the nose for five seconds, exhale through the mouth for seven seconds, and then repeat until calm.

  • Progressive relaxation

In this technique, different parts of the body are slowly and systematically tensed and released. By focusing your thoughts on the process of controlling your body, the mind becomes calmer as it imagines the tension leaving your system.

  • Yoga or stretching

Yoga has become a very popular way of releasing daily stress and it works well for anger management. If yoga is not your thing, then there are also other stretching exercises that can achieve similar relaxation results.

  • Imagery & thought-stopping

As uncontrollable anger stems from the mind, it helps to be able to control your thinking. In imagery, you choose to stop angry thoughts by thinking of pre-chosen, positive ones until you calm down (pre-chosen so you do not find yourself scrambling to think of something). This may be a Bible verse that always helps to center you or it could be a happy scene or image that inspires you (view of the mountains, oceans, or children smiling).

  • Journaling

Choosing to pour out your feelings onto paper is another helpful method. Aside from allowing the angry thoughts to flow from your mind onto something else, it is also a way for you to later analyze what keeps bothering you.

Digging Deeper for the Cause

While it is important to be able to put the flames of anger out with the abovementioned methods, it is of greater importance to discover what is causing all of this rage.

Conduct a Moral Inventory of Yourself

Though awkward at first, it is necessary to discover the true causes of your anger dilemma. You should reflect on your life and list down people that you have wronged. If possible, do try to make amends so that those areas in your life can have closure. Sometimes rage stems from anger with oneself over past mistakes with others, feelings of guilt, or unworthiness.

Next, make a list of the people who have hurt you. Then pray and seek to forgive them in your heart. Dealing with them Biblically may give you the peace of mind you have always been looking for.

Take Better Care of Yourself

In many instances, this rage comes from personal anger directed at yourself as you may not feel as “beautiful” as others. Though we are all created differently, always remember that as people created in God’s image, we are all beautiful. But to help us feel beautiful and healthy, it is necessary to take care of ourselves by eating properly, getting enough sleep, exercising, doing things we love, connecting to others, and strengthening our relationship with God.

Be Yourself

Pretending to be somebody else can also cause much self-anger. Sometimes a person may be too passive, always following what others want them to do or conforming to what others wish them to be. There comes a time, however, when a person has to make a stand and assert themselves in the right way. Pray for the strength and wisdom to do so and then exercise it when you feel you are being coerced into something you do not wish.

Know God and Live According to God’s Standard

Life on earth will always be challenging. This is why everybody needs God’s help, especially those who cannot control their anger. But this cannot occur unless you purposely seek to know Him through prayer and meditation on Scripture.

The more you seek Him, the more you will discover that He has never forsaken you and that He has been moving in your life to bring you to this particular moment where you are finally ready to have a lasting relationship with Him.

Part of this relationship is living according to God’s standard. The more that you do wrong in your life, the more you will experience inner turmoil which may also be a cause of your uncontrollable anger. God’s standards are very high, but don’t let that daunt you. As you walk daily with Christ, God will give you the grace and strength you need through the Holy Spirit so that little by little you will find yourself transforming into someone better.

Seeking Help through Christian Counseling

Despite the various methods to control anger, some people have difficulty doing this on their own. If professional help is needed, seek assistance from a professional Christian anger management counselor.

In Christian counseling, the above mentioned anger management techniques will be discussed and the counselor will help you implement them properly. Moreover, sound counseling methods will be used to help you determine the true root of your anger so that solutions may be found. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling are here to guide you through this process with care and support.

But most importantly, the Christian counselor can help you connect to God so that you can view anger from God’s perspective. It is through a strong relationship with Him that you will be able to truly control yourself as challenges come your way.

In this fallen world, there are many temptations to inappropriate anger. If you or a friend is having difficulty controlling your anger response, seek help soon.

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Adult ADHD in the Workplace: How to Cope

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Christian counselors are equipped to guide adults who have ADHD to an understanding of their symptoms and implement tools to manage the challenges that the condition throws up. Adults struggling with ADHD can benefit from support that incorporates spiritual, psychological, and organizational aspects. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling offers a comprehensive approach to managing ADHD with compassion and care.

Spiritual maturity is important, and biblical wisdom can help people to achieve strength and peace both internally and externally.

Overwhelmed in the Workplace

Adults experiencing Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) tend to have significant difficulties in managing their condition at work. It is not uncommon for them to experience feelings of being overwhelmed by the demands placed on them, compounded by an accompanying influx of anxiety.

To-do lists that seem never-ending, in-trays that are overflowing, and a sense of always playing catch-up are common issues that adults with ADHD report. Other common issues include difficulty with timekeeping, missing deadlines, and misplaced files and folders.

Struggling to Get Ahead?

Adults with ADHD may find that they are overlooked for promotion, or in constant conflict with other staff members. This may be because of missed deadlines, or difficulties with social interaction and impulse control.

It can cause tremendous stress when the workplace is filled with conflict, and it is common for adults with ADHD to frequently change jobs and career trajectories. It can be a struggle when faced with insufficient communication skills, a tendency towards distractibility, procrastination problems, and issues with project management.

Compounding the problem is the fact that many adults with ADHD have never received a formal diagnosis, and therefore have not been given access to the right support and understanding.

Being constantly beset by the problems associated with ADHD can lead to depression, poor self-image, and feelings of failure. However, receiving a diagnosis can open doors to greater levels of support and opportunities to learn valuable coping skills.

Adult ADHD Success Stories

Adults with ADHD need to be reminded that there are many successful people throughout the world, including celebrities, musicians, politicians, journalists and business tycoons who have ADHD. Their success has come from having a set of coping skills that have allowed them to overcome the challenges of their condition and focus on their strengths.

ADHD Symptoms that Affect Work Efficiency

  • Being distracted by external things (such as other people on the phone nearby, people passing by, noises outside the building) and finding it difficult to concentrate.
  • Daydreaming and procrastination
  • Impulse control issues such as angry outbursts
  • Hyperactivity that causes the need to always be on the move
  • Forgetting deadlines
  • Short-term memory issues
  • Being easily bored and not paying attention
  • Time management difficulties
  • Procrastination that impacts on other team members
  • Lack of organization
  • Difficulties with listening/paying attention
  • Talking too much or over other people
  • Failing to function in the job role

Ultimately, all of these symptoms of adult ADHD can be linked back to what is termed failure of executive functioning. This relates to a person’s cognitive functioning, specifically in the prefrontal lobe. What this means for a person with ADHD is that there are problems in the part of the brain that allows people to self-monitor their performance.

In ADHD, this portion of the prefrontal lobe is under-aroused, meaning that it is impossible for them to self-monitor. This results in distractibility that causes significant problems.

Many adults with ADHD may be described by their colleagues as lazy, lacking a sense of responsibility, and hopelessly disorganized. Such labels are damaging because they are untrue. Adults with ADHD can feel like they are fighting a losing battle trying to meet the demands placed on them, and their performance does not reflect the level of struggle they are experiencing.

Finding an Effective Solution for Adult ADHD

There are various ways to help adults with ADHD manage the chaos and confusion in their workplace. Generally, a combination of counseling and medication is the most effective approach, particularly for individuals whose symptoms have been evident since childhood.

In addition to the calming effects of medication, counseling can help adults with ADHD to develop coping mechanisms that can ease the degree of their difficulties. Some effective solutions include adjusting working hours, having a distraction-free workspace, or even working from home.

More complex coping skills can be implemented when distraction levels suddenly increase. For example, the individual can learn to escape the distraction zone and locate a quiet and empty space so as to be able to continue working. “Do not disturb” signs and diverting telephone calls may also be useful techniques.

When individuals are particularly affected by visual distractions, it can be advisable to avoid open-plan office spaces and have a desk that faces a wall rather than a window. Desk clutter should be avoided.

What Can You Do If You Are an Adult with ADHD?

It is more difficult to find strategies for reducing internal distractions, however. The busy mind of an adult with ADHD can be inundated with thoughts unrelated to work, random recollection of missed appointments, and prone to daydreaming due to boredom.

Some effective solutions for these issues can be always keeping a notebook to hand so as to write down random thoughts and ideas and then return to the task at hand. A diary or other kind of planning system can assist with appointment issues, as well as setting reminders and alarms.

When it comes to boredom, it is important to find ways of maintaining concentration and interest in the project. It may be that a career change is necessary in order to find work that captivates interest.

For issues with hyperactivity, taking regular breaks and exploring physical ways of dealing with excess energy and a need for constant movement can be useful techniques. A standing desk may be another solution.

Gaining the support of your manager or a colleague can be hugely beneficial. They can help to build a schedule that you can keep to, and it is widely reported that having structure can ease the challenges of living with ADHD.

Impulse control difficulties can be mediated by having ready responses when others make offers that could lead you off track. It is possible to train yourself to check the diary or schedule rather than jumping at the chance of distraction.

When planning meetings, factor in extra time so that if distractions emerge, you can still avoid being late. Stick to the schedule you’ve created and be realistic in your expectations of yourself.

Navigating your workday can be especially difficult when your to-do list seems to be never-ending. Counselors can help you to prioritize and avoid overwhelming yourself with anxiety while still keeping on schedule with the project at hand.

Counselor Coaches

It can be helpful for adults with ADHD to view their counselors as “coaches” who can keep them on track and help create structure and build effective schedules. Reporting back to their counselor about what is and isn’t working means that new skills and techniques can be implemented as necessary.

Over time, this enables the adult with ADHD to develop their ability to self-monitor, and there will come a time when they no longer need the help of their coach.

For some people, even making the smallest of changes to their approach can have a considerable impact on their workplace efficiency. It is important to remember that everyone is different, and has different needs, so what works for one person may not work for another.

A counselor can help to establish what each individual needs, and build a personalized skill set that addresses the specific difficulties being faced.

Disclosing ADHD to Employers

While some adults with ADHD are open with their employers about their condition, many individuals are afraid that disclosing that they have ADHD will result in discrimination.

The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) of 1990 and the Rehabilitation Act of 1973 (RA) prohibit employers from discriminating against staff with disabilities. Unfortunately, these protections do not automatically extend to adults with ADHD.

To be protected by the ADA and RA, an individual has to meet four specific conditions, and there is a requirement that they disclose their disability to their employer. If the ADA and RA apply, the company is required to make allowances for the difficulties a person experiences, but if an employee fails to disclose their disorder, no such allowances are necessary.

In certain cases, disclosing that you have ADHD is essential:

  • When you are afraid that you will lose your job, and can only succeed in your work if the allowances of ADA and RA are made
  • When your employer is planning to dismiss you because you have failed to perform to the standards required by your role
  • When you are on medication but are still unable to cope with the demands of your job—in this situation, making a disclosure can help to reduce the pressure you are experiencing and may open up new avenues of support in addition to improving workplace relationships.

Assessing Your Career Choice

When an adult is diagnosed with ADHD, they may begin to realize that part of their difficulties is related to their career choice. Some careers may prove to be incompatible with their needs resulting from ADHD.

It is worthwhile considering a career change if one of your major difficulties is a lack of engagement in work that leads to excessive daydreaming. It is much easier to stay focused if you are genuinely interested in and enjoy the work that you are doing. It can be helpful to:

  • Recognize the things that interest you the most, and research jobs that fit in this area
  • Reflect on your abilities and achievements, as these will reveal your strongest capabilities
  • Look back at your school years to discover the subjects you found easiest and most enjoyable, as well as uncovering particular strengths
  • Investigate your personality type
  • Consider your values and find careers that align with what matters most to you
  • Evaluate your aptitudes
  • Look at your energy levels and consider careers that fit best with these
  • Reflect on any patterns of failure in previous jobs—identifying these can help prevent repeating the same mistakes.

Christian Counseling for Adult ADHD

Statistically, over 8 million American adults are battling with the challenges of ADHD, and inevitably this means that there is a high demand for support. A Christian counselor can work with adults with ADHD, utilizing talk therapy, building spiritual coping mechanisms, and helping the client to build essential skills that can improve work satisfaction and efficiency. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling are here to provide the guidance and support needed for overcoming these challenges..

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How to Build Trust in a Relationship: 7 Important Steps

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This article will provide seven steps to take that will help you learn how to build trust in a relationship. First, however, we will need to start with the basics.

The Definition of Trust

Trust is having confidence in someone and believing that he or she will love you forever and is always going to remain loyal. Trusting people is difficult because it means you need to believe that you are able to depend on them and feel comfortable with them to the point where you are okay with confiding in them and letting them see you in a vulnerable state. Trust acts as a key component for the foundation of any kind of relationship.

The Importance of Trust in your Relationships

Establishing trust within a couple’s relationship is critical because it provides a feeling of security in which each partner is allowed to be his or her authentic self. Trust is the foundation of healthy relationships. If trust exists within a couple, insecurities do not get in the way of the relationship. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you build and maintain trust, fostering a stronger, healthier relationship.

Having trust in another person helps us face problems together while maintaining a sense of balance between outside relationships with other people such as friends or family and inside the relationship.

Establishing trust also means each partner is allowed to have his or her own space and time away from the other partner without causing problems in the relationship.

When a couple has faith in one another, they have confidence that their partner is trustworthy. Support systems within relationships assist couples in having the ability to challenge each other as well as themselves and take occasional risks for ambitions and personal growth.

Knowing that your significant other is there for you at all times provides a feeling of freedom. Trust makes the relationship stronger because you and your partner are supportive and know that you will always have each other’s backs.

Trust is crucial when overcoming issues in any relationship. Trust binds partners together and provides confidence that the partners can join together and overcome whatever issues they are facing.

Trust establishes faith and knowledge that you and your partner can move past any hurts and wrongdoings that have occurred. Knowing that your partner is loyal and loves you even in moments of conflict can cultivate an increase in honesty and strengthen your relationship.

Relationships cannot thrive or survive without trust. Negative consequences of a lack of trust include the dissolution of the relationship, crippling fear, and a lot of insecurity. The relationship becomes dysfunctional and at times could be classified as chaotic.

Trust is a crucial foundation for relationships because, with trust, relationships will not be destroyed when hardships arise. However, if there is no established trust in a relationship, the relationship has little chance of survival when problems, doubts, or suspicions come up.

Trust works to create a sense of safety in relationships. The sense of safety makes more room for intimacy, devotion, and love as well as allows partners to feel comfortable. If a sense of security and trust are not present in a relationship, insecurities and fear get in the way.

Advice for Gaining Trust in Your Relationship

The following list contains steps that can help partners find ways of gaining trust in their relationships. This list does not need to be followed in order but each item should be included in an ongoing pattern of communication within a relationship.

Incorporate these steps into your relationship and watch how trust will build if you and your partner both make an effort to implement these elements.

Set Boundaries

Boundaries are critical to relationships, so it is important to honor your partner’s boundaries that you have agreed upon. Even if your partner’s boundaries and values are different from yours, honoring them can create excellent opportunities for you and your partner to find out more about one another’s virtues, values, and strengths.

Implementing boundaries can help partners find out how much emotional or physical space each one is comfortable with. It is important to communicate your boundaries to your partner, which includes how much time alone you need, how comfortable you feel inside your relationship, what you are comfortable letting other people know about your relationship, etc.

Learn to Communicate Effectively and Openly

A major reason that many relationships do not work out is because of insufficient communication. Constructive, open, and active communication is not easy in relationships, but it is vital if you and your partner want to have healthy patterns of communication. Implementing open communication can help build mutual agreements and shared understandings regarding how you would like to incorporate other people into your life and relationship.

Effective communication also includes active listening. It is easy to interrupt our partners when they are talking, provide advice without listening to our partners, or quickly jump to solutions. It is difficult to always actively listen to your partner instead of immediately planning out what your response is going to be.

If you are an active listener, though, your partner will see that you are respectful and caring towards what he or she is saying even if your feelings differ. Listening to your partner without judgment is an important method of building trust.

Be Honest

Of course, honesty is another crucial component of establishing trust in relationships. Transparency within the relationship can build trust because both partners will be allowed to feel comfortable and safe.

There is not a lot of opportunity for negative assumptions or thoughts about the other person’s activities if both partners openly communicate consistently. Sharing the things that you are experiencing and specific details regarding your day begins a consistent pattern that can build trust.

It is important to note that the concept of honesty doesn’t mean both partners need to share each and every detail of their lives. However, lies of omission, deception, and dishonesty can all tear apart relationships.

Honesty needs to constantly be practiced and it is typically found that when trust is growing, the partners begin to find no need to justify things or explain their behaviors because there is faith that the other partner will understand their thoughts and actions.

Be Humble

Mistakes in relationships are inevitable and going to happen. However, it is very possible to work towards repairing a damaged relationship and lead it towards healing. Both partners must be able to admit mistakes and be open to coming together to rebuild trust and work through their mistakes.

Perfect relationships do not exist and not every expectation will be met, especially early in a relationship. It is important to realize this going into the relationship so that you are not caught off guard when issues arise. Admitting wrongdoings and taking responsibility for mistakes actually works to strengthen your relationship and build more trust.

Be Reliable

Successful relationships exist when each partner follows through with set communication habits, intentional behaviors, and personal boundaries that have been established within the relationships. When promises are broken or agreements are not adhered to, trust diminishes, which can cause catastrophic consequences to relationships.

You should never agree with your partner or make promises just so that he or she will be happy because failing to keep promises or agreements is a very common way that trust is broken. That is why it is very important to be honest and continue to maintain open communication. Making sure your behaviors and promises match up can lead to the strengthening of trust and a healthier relationship.

Express your needs

Trying to read your partner’s mind can have serious consequences. Even if you know each other very well, you can never know exactly what your partner is thinking. Of course, you can come up with a prediction based on past behavior or patterns, but if you do not ask your partner his or her thoughts upfront, you cannot know what he or she is thinking. If you assume that you’re able to know what he or she did, thinks, or feels, it will not help the relationship.

A key method of avoiding mind reading or making assumptions is to simply express what your needs are. If you express your needs, you are providing your partner with specifics that he or she should consider and if he or she follows through with your request, trust can build.

If your partner is expressing his or her needs, you should try to understand his or her mindset and be empathetic in an attempt to understand the needs and gain some perspective. Not only does fulfilling a partner’s need help a couple get to know each other better, but it can also build trust.

Forgive

Forgiveness is also a crucial component of trust. If partners trust each other, they will understand that fights or disagreements are not indicative of the relationship ending. If you trust that you and your partner have your relationship and each other’s interests in mind, you will gain a sense of security even if things are difficult. Dealing with challenges and providing forgiveness is made much easier if the couple trusts that they can overcome any situation.

Can I Heal From Past Hurts?

Building trust takes intentionality and a lot of time and effort. It is never easy to establish trust and this is made even more difficult if some sort of betrayal has occurred.

It is possible for betrayal to be exhibited in different ways, such as misusing power, crossing boundaries, or committing lies and deception. Repairing a relationship after betrayal is difficult, and forgiveness is the sole way that a relationship can heal and move forward. Of course, an apology is the first step in asking for forgiveness.

In order for there to be forgiveness, both parties must acknowledge that betrayal and hurt have taken place. If you have betrayed your partner, you must take responsibility for it, which is a huge step in acknowledging your partner’s pain. After that, you must find a way to ensure your partner that the betrayal won’t happen again. It is critical to provide your partner with the promise of that you regret the behavior and will never commit it in the future.

Lastly, you also must analyze your feelings to recognize why you are dealing with this experience in the first place. You cannot deny the betrayal, but you can explore the reasons. Some questions you may have include, “What am I expecting from our relationship?,” “Have I’ve been harboring these feelings for a long time?,” or “In what ways is this issue affecting me?”

Having an awareness of your personal tendency towards doubts and insecurity is another crucial piece to rebuilding trust. You have to have a lot of patience with yourself, which will help you learn how to identify if you are hesitant to trust your partner because of a betrayal you experienced in the past. If you seem to be having doubts, it is crucial to communicate the insecurities to your partner instead of suppressing them just because you are scared to say anything.

Nobody is perfect and it takes a lot of faith to extend trust to another person because it is scary and intimidating. We all make mistakes and oftentimes our reactions are not preferable, but having patience with yourself can be of great assistance while you learn about yourself and develop the ability to trust over time.

Seeking Help

It is usually very hard to move past previous betrayals and hurts in relationships, and it is easy to begin feeling “stuck.” If this is happening to you and you don’t feel you can trust yourself and your own judgment right now, a counselor can assist you in exploring and addressing these issues. We would love to take the journey of healing with you while you work towards building stronger relationships that include an ample amount of trust. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling are here to help.

Photos:
“Couple’s PDA,” courtesy of Pedro Ribeiro Simões, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0); “Holding Hands,” courtesy of Phuoc Le, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Humble Yourself,” courtesy of Ben White, unsplash.com, Public Domain License; “Distrust”, Courtesy of Joshua Rawson Harris, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Having an Affair? Here’s How and Why You Should Stop

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Nobody wakes up in the morning and thinks about ruining their marriage. So why is it that people have affairs? The underlying cause of infidelity often stems from the defensive structures people create as a reaction to trauma experienced in childhood. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help individuals and couples explore these deeper issues and work toward healing and reconciliation.

To really understand what this means, picture a little girl whose father is not around most of the time, is authoritarian, doesn’t show any interest in her recitals, and whose mother is there but is always preoccupied with her own personal issues.

Although the father constantly tells her he loves her, deep down inside the girl has never believed him and though she knows that her mother loves her, it has never felt like enough.

As the girl reached her 20’s, she dated, fell in love, and got married to a man who had a similar personality to her father’s, and whenever he says he loves her, something inside her says it’s not real.

Several years go by and she is introduced to a man at work whose musical interests are the same as hers. She is even more tempted because she chooses not to tell her husband about it. Since the man doesn’t know her that well, his interest in her gets around the defensive I’m-not-lovable-structure, then she begins to crave his attention like an addiction. The affair has already started.

Sex by this point almost an afterthought. The attention of this not-loved-one comforts her hidden, desperate, ruined younger parts. Unfortunately, leaving her husband for this man means he will become a loved one and she will more likely have a relationship with another person again, and the cycle will go on.

This situation is just an example of the many defensive structures and narratives we all have.

The Power of Love

We are designed to bond with one another. When we experience attraction for someone, our bodies automatically respond as if there’s a possibility we might mate with them. Our pupils dilate, capillaries expand to increase blood flow, and our pulse moves quickly. It can make one breathless.

The reptilian brain is always trying to procreate. In Freudian terms, the id says, “I want that!” and the ego says, “I know how to get that!” The superego, on the other hand, says, “You can’t have that, because (insert moral reason here).”

If we live with an emotional lack such as in the above example, we can easily confuse lust for love. Actual love is a deeper connection formed by years of growing together with another person.

Erotic love plays a wonderful role in a marriage but erotic love by itself always makes a person even more lonely in every relationship. Once you jump from one intimate relationship to another, you won’t be able to receive true love from another, so you will automatically end up with what’s not real.

The Anatomy of Having an Affair

When motive fuels desire and opportunity leads to action, infidelity starts to happen. Just like any other sinful acts, people wouldn’t be interested in becoming unfaithful if they’re not getting anything in return.

To satisfy oneself sexually is not the only obvious payoff. Having an affair also tends to heal the wounded part of the self that encourages the behavior more than anything else. Another payoff is the thrill that comes with indulging in the forbidden actually building up the erotic energy in the relationship.

Sin is the opposite of good, and infidelity is the same. Similar to an addiction, for most people it only works for a while. As soon as it fails, the consequences come in the form of deep shame and guilt, hurting marriages, hurting children, and often the loss of jobs or homes.

Having an affair is a sin that can wreck whatever trust and happiness there is in a marriage. This is why it’s necessary to acknowledge infidelity before it spreads and causes any more harm.

Where Does Infidelity Start?

Flirting with someone else when you’re married is never harmless. More likely your sexuality is integrated into your personality making it safe for you to say, “It’s just how I am.” That doesn’t make it harmless.

Everything starts when you’re in a really difficult situation, emotionally vulnerable, feeling alone, and someone who looks attractive enters your life and makes you feel good, and you begin walking down the path. The best way to prevent infidelity is to stop it as soon as you start to realize that it’s happening.

Here’s another classic example of infidelity waiting to happen. A man works for an environmental company and has to drive for four hours to get to work and to meet up with his team. He’s already having trouble with his relationship with his wife and as if destiny tries to test him, there is a beautiful single woman on the team.

One afternoon, as they are having a great conversation, laughing at each other’s jokes, they look into each other’s eyes longer than usual. The man realizes that he’s attracted to the woman and he can tell she feels the same way.

That night the woman shows up at his hotel room door and asks the man to come to join her for a drink downstairs. At that moment he realizes he has to say NO right there and then, not when he’s already in the bar with her. There would be only one reason for that man to accept her invitation and that would be to dabble with adultery in the private hope of actually making it happen.

The man made up an excuse to avoid her and no longer communicated with her outside of work. Though the man thinks he will never be unfaithful, the chance of him engaging in adultery would have been exponentially higher had he gone with her. We are not just wired for bonding, we are also wired to want that bonding as much and as possible.

Our intelligence makes it possible for us to sidestep that wiring and avoid looking for something or someone beyond our marriage in order to meet our needs. Some suffer silently for many years while their relationship slowly declines and grows cold. Others cannot control themselves and end up finding comfort in other people’s arms.

Both of these results are terrible and God wants something much better for us. The traditional marriage vows that say “to have and to hold, to love, honor and cherish, forsaking all others.” is already a great reminder for us to keep. If you or your spouse doesn’t feel loved, honored, or cherished, it’s best to take action right away, probably through the help of a counselor.

How Do You Come Back After Having an Affair?

Infidelity is devastating to a marriage. If a spouse is not hurt by the infidelity then something is not right within the relationship and it could make a person think the marriage didn’t even matter in the first place. Since trust is a primary foundation of marriage, it’s extremely hard to restore once it has been broken by betrayal.

If the two of you chose to stay together after infidelity, a counselor is the best person to run to for help to find your way back together. Anger is a common and long-lasting emotion and while trust no longer seems possible, most of the time it will return, though it may take years.

There is no excuse for betrayal but understanding the emotional factors behind the action of the cheating spouse will help a lot – not in any way to cover up what was broken, but to be able to forgive an imperfect human being at the end of the day.

If you’re the spouse who cheated, it’s normal and proper for you to feel an overwhelming guilt for some time especially if you’re known to be a person whose values is big on faith. It’s going to be a painful recovery process and there is no way you can rush it.

It is unrealistic to expect your spouse to exhibit a desire for you, or to feel comfortable in your presence or to enjoy your company before they’re ready; there are some boundaries that you must not violate. They must decide when to restore you to fellowship.

This, however, doesn’t necessarily mean you have no right to make choices or you don’t have a voice or can’t put in place your own healthy boundaries. It’s wrong to assume that it’s okay for us to be treated like a doormat and put up with whatever abuse our spouse inflicts on us. They have every right to display anger but not to become abusive.

As you navigate the process of recovery the following rules of engagement will probably benefit you:

  • Hold up a hand if either of you needs to pause the conversation.
  • Conversations that have been paused conversations must be rescheduled and pick up at the pause.
  • Counseling sessions are the best time to have most of your relationship conversations.
  • Each of us must be responsible for our own feelings.
  • It’s best to ask permission before talking using such questions as “Is this a good time to talk about _____?” “I wonder what would happen if _____?” “I’m detecting that you are (angry, distant, etc) and am wondering what that’s about,” or “Would you let me tell you my impression of it?”

It takes hard work to recover from infidelity but if both partners work at showing a great deal of compassion towards one another, learning to forgive, and holding on to each other to face a common enemy (rather than attacking each other), it can result in a much richer, deeper relationship than before.

How To Protect Your Marriage Against Infidelity

The truth is that no one is immune from committing a sin; we are flawed human beings. That being said, motives and opportunities can transform in many different ways thus, infidelity can happen in a marriage. However, there are a few steps you can take to strengthen your relationship and fight infidelity:

Keep God the Center of Your Marriage

Being married, whether you did it in a church or not, means you made a promise before God. He cares deeply about your relationship. Allow him to be in it. Ask for His help to love right, to be more forgiving, to fight your own selfishness, put up good boundaries, and be responsible for your own emotional struggles.

Take Infidelity Seriously

Pay attention to what your body does. If you stare at or talk to an attractive co-worker, or the spouse of your friend, or a single friend and notice your body is having a certain reaction to it (fluttering in the stomach, a catch in your voice, a desire to look more deeply into their eyes, or confide in them for connection), recognize that and admit it to yourself.

There’s nothing wrong in saying, “I think I’m really attracted to this person”; you don’t have to hide it from yourself. You can admit your attraction without feeling guilty. Remember, we are designed to be attracted to people and once you realize this, you will be able to respond by saying, “but I will not do anything about it.” Then correct your flirtatious behavior.

Have the Willingness to Set Boundaries

Setting up boundaries can be embarrassing but sometimes they’re a must. A professor once shared how a woman approached him after a presentation, gave him a hug, and pressed her whole body to his. He moved away from her and said: ”My wife is the only person who can hug me that way.” Now that may sound a little too forward for some, but it’s a great example of setting boundaries. It also inspires us to be more confident in defending the sanctity of our marriage.

Work On Your Emotions

Finding a therapist who can help you find an unprocessed emotional trauma in your past, identifying them, and finding out what you did to survive it is something you may want to consider doing. The more you understand your own emotional grid, the easier it is for you to change it, put up healthy boundaries, and build up firm, reciprocal bonds with the people you love.

Do The Work of Loving Your Spouse

One of the many great things about marriage is the sense of comfort we can get from the companionship of someone familiar. However, it becomes dangerous once familiarity transforms into complacency.

There was once a man who said that on his wedding day, he told his wife, “I love you. I’ll let you know if that ever changes.” Although what he said was meant to be a joke, it did, however, make a point. We find it easier to forget to do the little things that strengthen our love for the other person.

Recall the things that you both loved doing together and find out if it’s possible for you to do them again. Send cards, give flowers, and keep birthdays and anniversaries in mind just like the good ‘ol romantic days you both once had. Be thankful for the ones you love and remember the reasons why you feel in love with them. Rehearse the things that made you love them and rekindle them as best you can.

Learn to look at yourself and your spouse as an amazing, special reflection of God’s image here on earth. Value each other and the miracle of your relationship as well as keep each other while walking towards a future of growth and health. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can guide you in nurturing a healthy, flourishing relationship.
Photos:
“Lonely”, Courtesy of Luis Galvez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Affair”, Courtesy of Pixabay, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Drink After Work”, Courtesy of Sasint, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Fireworks”, Courtesy of Jared Sluyter, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Reaching Your Goals with a Personal Coach

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Our best work is done in times when we feel a sense of purpose. This incorporates our will, our passions, and our best thoughts. It provides us with a sense of meaning for our lives.

Some may remember the older Disney cartoon that showed a businessman unhappily going to his mundane job with bags under his tired eyes. Just going through routine motions every day has drained him.

Life is more enjoyable when it includes meaningful activity. This can be during work or outside of work, and the purpose is to engage with the people around us. Many people are not satisfied with their current jobs or life path, and personal coaches can help them reinvent themselves so they have some sort of meaning and a better sense of purpose. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can support you in discovering and pursuing a fulfilling path aligned with your values and goals.

What is it that you want?

In other words, ask yourself what your objectives are. Often, we take opportunities to participate in a type of project inside or outside of work without asking ourselves if that is truly what we want. This could be because we are going to get paid well, or we want prestige, or because someone we view as “important” is involved.

When we fail to ask ourselves what we really want, we start relying on impulses and aimless choices. Consequentially, our sense of purpose is diminished. As the business saying goes, “Aim at nothing and you’ll hit every time.” We must find our magic wands and put our desires down on paper, including things that may seem impossible or silly.

By asking yourself what you want, you can pinpoint your desires and then work to create plans that will help you reach your goals in life. This can be viewed as a form of being kind to yourself. A personal coach has the ability to help you figure out your desires and comprehend the complexities they entail.

Goals should be divided into fantasies, wants, and needs so that we can determine what is important and which things have the likelihood of success. For example, saying “I need to have a car so that I can get to work and then get home” is a need.

“I need an expensive Mercedes-Benz so that I can get to work and then get home” is a want (and possibly also a fantasy!). Obviously, we need some form of transportation, but expensive transportation exists as a luxury, and you may only need a nice car when you are taking a very rich client to lunch.

An example of a fantasy is, “I need somebody to provide me with a car,” which basically implies you want a car but do not want to put in any work to pay for it. Fantasies often share this dynamic.

Other examples include, “I have strong aspirations to become a famous singer, but I am not willing to leave my tiny hometown” and “I would like to speak another language but I would rather not have to learn it.”

The first implies that I want to become a celebrity even though it’s nearly impossible to do so in my small rural hometown, and the second one implies I want something but have no desire to actually learn it.

Aiming for everything will probably produce the same results as aiming for nothing. A huge step in the difficult process is really narrowing down your focus. You must work on the things that are most important because we all have a limited amount of willpower, time, money, and energy

For this, personal coaches can help with the filtering process. To an extent, we are postponing some of our dreams and a logical second opinion might help the decision-making process.

What is the process?

Once we form an understanding of what we want, we create a plan that includes action items or tasks. For example, the process of getting a car would be, “Get employed, earn enough money for the car, and then buy the car.” It isn’t difficult and you should be flexible.

If you hit a roadblock in your process, look and see if you can find a workaround to it. If not, it’s probably time to reevaluate that goal. As an example, “Get employed” can only work when someone has a reliable means of transportation, so a way to work around that may be, “Get employed, figure out public transportation, earn enough money for a car, etc.”

If public transportation is sufficient in your area, you may decide to wait to buy the car to save the money you would need for the gas, insurance, and maintenance that would come with it. Break down the path you need to take to reach your goal so that it will become more clear to you.

“Receive a Master’s of Business Administration and get employed as a middle-level manager” is an extremely broad goal. Instead, perhaps consider, “Find a college, get student loans, apply, complete courses, receive a degree, apply for mentorship programs at well-known companies, take whatever job I’m offered, work towards promotions.”

Of course, these steps could change over time, but it is best to have a reasonable, logical path that you can get started on. This process of evaluation can be made even better if you have a personal coach who can guide you and act as an unbiased sounding board.

Break Down the Plan

After you have narrowed down your path to one main focus, it is time to connect with a personal coach who will help you add details to the process. The purpose of the main focus is to ensure that you do not have competing objectives with steps that are mutually exclusive (e.g., “enroll in business school” vs. “receive an MFA in animation”).

Certain goals have the ability to run concurrently, however, this only works when the steps are also able to run concurrently. If your goal was to “learn to play the guitar” and your steps might be “purchase a guitar, find a great teacher, schedule sessions with the teacher.”

Perhaps a better breakdown might be “Do research to find the best inexpensive guitar, purchase one, make room for it, research guitar teachers, choose one and call to schedule sessions, dedicate some time to practice every day, and assess progress after three months.”

You have the option to break it down however you would like, but try not to spend too much time planning because it may lead to inaction. Often, it seems that execution is more difficult than planning, but you actually have to perform the tasks you created to reach your ultimate goal. If you tend to lack execution but are great at planning, see the sectioned titled “The Enemy Within” below.

Action always requires expense. If we want to accomplish something, we must expend our emotions, time, effort, mental energy, and finances. Everything costs something. If we want to come up with a clear plan on how we can meet our goals, we need to consider the cost, which includes the cost to our loved ones.

A person once wanted to become a screenwriter. He asked what his wife what she would say if he wanted to relocate to Hollywood, and her response was, “I would miss you.”

Everything we partake in costs something, whether it be energy, technology, money, and more. When you are making your plan, you must ask what the cost is financially as well as to yourself and loved ones.

You must also consider opportunity cost. This is the road that is not traveled. When you pick one path, another one cannot concurrently be chosen. For example, say you have $50 to spend, but you want two things that each cost $40. You have to pick one.

The thing you opted against can be classified as an opportunity cost. This is an important concept to remember when making decisions so that we don’t get blindsided suddenly at the last minute wondering how things would have turned out had we chosen the road that wasn’t traveled.

The Enemy Within

We often have the desire to go forward in a specific direction, but the moment we try to move forward, something stops us. A friend mentions a new job that we might be perfect for, and the friend’s positivity encourages us to find a slew of Help Wanted advertisements related to that job. When we are ready, we pick up the phone, but then we freeze.

Perhaps a teacher tells us that we possess a special gift. For a triumphant moment, we imagine being highly successful, performing in front of cheering crowds and winning awards. After that, though, the internal dialogue starts, the logistics of it and how they won’t work, our imperfections, all the reasons that we are not good enough.

Unfortunately, we all leave our dreams behind at times. Debilitating and demeaning thoughts hold us back and halt our creative processes. Many of us are afraid to fail or actually gain success, or family members or friends may be very critical towards us and hold us back as well. We need to leave this playing field in order to move past criticism and towards success.

It’s important that out of almost seven billion people, you happen to be the only you that exists. You should apply that to whatever your craft is and it will be made unique. We are concerned about people’s opinions and whether or not they will pay for our crafts and like them, but this is actually immaterial even though it might affect our ability to make a living.

Come up with personal affirmations that make you feel good, and actually use them. You can say things like “I deserve happiness,” “I am allowed to make choices,” “I am amazing and a reflection of God’s image.”

Overall, we have the ability to make choices that can change our lives. We can leave the past in the past and live freely knowing the future is yet to be decided. We must live in the present so that we can move to the following step.

Of course, it is vital to understand that some of the self-assessments we make are legitimate. People on talent shows such as American Idol often never had someone tell them they aren’t that great at singing. Instead, loved ones and friends always encouraged them and said that they totally had a talent for music.

Additional Help

We have an emotional grid that has been formed by good things as well as traumatic things that we have experienced, and what matters is what we decide to do with those things. Sometimes, we need to analyze the past so that we can move forward and have the ability to achieve and receive great things.

As we have all heard, being criticized by our parents during our childhoods can be debilitating and very hard to overcome. If we have had a series of embarrassing and humiliating setbacks, they may seem to confirm our fears regarding our inability to succeed.

It can be of great value to seek help from a counselor who is licensed in mental health. This person can help you move past dark places that you have been, events that have traumatized you, places where you may have failed, or places where you were neglected and lacked the proper nurture. This person can work with you to reframe the negative narrative and help you move past trauma and towards health and emotional growth.

When our mental states and emotions are integrated, we have a higher chance of being able to pursue our aspirations and goals. It’s hard and you will realize why is it referred to as “emotional work.” This concept differs from the concept of personal coaching because it is more about understanding the past and the ways that it is interfering with your ability to move forward.

The ultimate goal is to continue trying to make an improved version of yourself so that you can have a purpose and take action to move forward toward your goals, whether you are focusing on a specific path or improved health and emotional growth.

Final Thoughts

Scripture tells us that we lack things because we don’t ask for them. In other words, we lack God’s blessings because we don’t ask Him to give them to us. We can expand that by saying we lack what we want because we don’t ask ourselves what we actually want and we don’t ask ourselves “what’s this about?” when we begin to feel scared or inadequate.

Moving forward tends to be easier when we maintain a mature, adult-like position and don’t let our fears cripple us. We must remember that the past has already ended but the future isn’t written yet, so we must live in the present. We have the choice to do what we want with this information, and our choice determines what direction we will move in.

It is good to have aspirations and goals, and it is okay to ask for some assistance every now and then. We do not have to be alone in all of this, and personal coaches can give you perspectives to ponder that will lead to success. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can provide the guidance and support you need to achieve your goals.

Photos:
“Thinking,” courtesy of Klearchos Kapoutsis, Flickr.com, CC BY 2.0 License; “Arrows in Waiting”, Courtesy of Laura Crowe, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Money”, Courtesy of Sharon McCutcheon, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Long Distance,” courtesy of Chris Lawton, tookapic.com, CC0 License

8 Reasons Why Having an Affair is a Terrible Idea

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People don’t have affairs because cheating is a miserable experience. They commit adultery because it’s temporarily exciting and pleasurable. Maybe their marriage seems stale, or there are a lot of conflicts.

Perhaps they feel like their spouse doesn’t really know or love them. An affair offers the illusion of feeling desired, alive, and escaping from the mundane reality of everyday life. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling provides guidance to help individuals.

The problem is that affairs don’t happen in a vacuum. There are considerable risks involved for disgrace and devastation. And in the end, the affair is almost always exposed somehow. This private disaster becomes public, and countless people are affected.

8 Reasons Why Having an Affair is a Terrible Idea

Often people find themselves entangled in an emotional affair that’s on the verge of becoming physical. You can still stop before you take it to that next step. If you’re already involved in an affair, the sooner you end it, the better. Here are eight things to think about before you let an affair wreak havoc in your life.

#1 – You Will Cause Enormous Pain

People who have been cheated on often say things like, “I feel like someone ripped out my heart and stomped on it.” There’s a reason for these colorful metaphors. Being betrayed by the one you love and thought you would spend the rest of your life with causes agonizing emotional pain.

People who have been betrayed by their spouse experience tormenting heartbreak. The emotional pain can be unfathomable. Causing someone that kind of pain shows true hardness of heart. It doesn’t matter if you blame it on alcohol or say that it didn’t mean anything. Thoughtlessness is just as cruel as deliberate malice.

Although you may be able to save your marriage, it will never be the same again. No matter how strongly you feel about this illicit connection, acting on those feelings demonstrates a brutal disregard for your vows and the person you promised to honor and cherish until death.

#2 – Your Children Will Suffer

An affair plants seeds in a family – seeds of anger, distrust, grief, and jealousy. Those seeds will grow and take a lot of work to root up.

Even if your children don’t know what’s happening, they’ll sense the shaky foundation of your marriage. Your marriage should be the solid rock on which you can build your family. An affair cracks the foundation of the family, no matter what excuse you make for it.

Your children may one day have difficulty trusting their own spouses. Or they might think adultery is justified in some situations. After all, children tend to normalize their parents’ behavior.

You might think that no one will know – that if you keep it a secret, no one will have to reap these consequences. But the bonds we have with our loved ones run deep. When you violate your marriage, you poison your soul because deep down inside, you think you deserve the affair. This poison will inevitably express itself in disdain, guilt, and words that even if they seem subtle to you, your children will be affected by it.

#3 – Your Extended Family Will Be Affected

When family members get divorced because of irreconcilable differences, it causes pain, but people do understand that some marriages are full of conflict and difficulty and don’t work out. Often, spouses can achieve a relatively amicable divorce that doesn’t cause huge rifts in the extended families.

But when adultery is involved, emotions run high and many relationships can be destroyed. If you value your relationship with your in-laws or even just their good opinion, know that you will probably be destroying both once your affair comes out.

#4 – Your Friendships Will Suffer

Friends often choose sides when adultery is involved, including mutual friends, coworkers, and church friends. Most will tend to gravitate toward the spouse who was betrayed, not the offender. Your social relationships and support system can be irrevocably damaged.

During the excitement of an affair, you’ll probably disregard this, but months and years down the line, isolation and rejection can have devastating effects on your mental and emotional well-being.

Anyone who finds out about your affair will probably wonder if they can trust you, and rightly so. If you demonstrate that you disregard your most sacred vow, how can anyone else trust you? People may understandably view your character as inherently flawed. You may lose friendships, ministry opportunities, and even opportunities at work if your boss knows what happened and has high moral standards.

#5 – Your Church Relationships Will Suffer

People at church will also tend to be polarized by your illicit relationship. If you are a ministry leader or participant, you may be asked to step down as you deal with the fallout of your decision to commit adultery. Most people will likely side with your spouse, not you.

Your reputation will be severely impacted, probably permanently. You’ll lose the trust and respect of people you value. Even people who love you unconditionally will be hurt by your behavior. Churches have also been known to split when a leader becomes involved in an affair.

#6 – Your Self-Respect Will Be Damaged

Before having an affair, you probably talked yourself into it using a series of excuses as to why it was okay. Maybe you thought, “If no one knows, it won’t hurt anyone,” or “I deserve to feel good about myself for a change.” Maybe you were bitter towards your spouse for things they’d done (or hadn’t done), so you considered your affair to be justified.

Underneath all the excuse-making, though, you know that adultery is wrong. If you’re a believer in Christ, you also know that it’s a very serious sin. You know you’ve broken your vows and devastated the one person on earth you vowed to honor and cherish.

No matter how you attempt to write the narrative, you are the antagonist in the story. Trying to justify your actions mentally will only create cognitive dissonance. Believing a lie can eventually lead to more delusional thinking, which damages your psyche over time.

#7 – Your Relationship with God Will Suffer

If you’re a believer, the Holy Spirit will convict you of the sin of your affair. Adultery is one of the sins most clearly condemned by Scripture. God hates sin because it goes against his holy nature.

When you choose to have an affair, you’re rejecting God’s commands in favor of your own selfish desires. Continuing down that road will provide you with fleeting pleasures, yes, but also with soul-crushing, long-term heartache. If you love the Lord and want to follow his plan for your life, why would you choose such a devastating path?

#8 – You Made a Covenant

It’s likely that your marriage took place in a church with witnesses present, such as your family and friends. You made a vow to love, honor, and cherish your spouse and forsake all others until death parts you. There’s a reason marriage vows are made in front of God and witnesses. They are profoundly significant and the most important promises we will ever make.

Breaking your marriage vows is violating the public, sacred covenant you made with your spouse. That’s why divorce has to take place through the court system. It’s not a trivial matter to betray your spouse. Your vows are meant to be guarded. There’s no such thing as a harmless affair.

The Reality of Adultery

No one just wakes up one morning and arbitrarily decides, “I’m going to have an affair.” Most of us have internal inhibitions against cheating. What happens is that we take one seemingly harmless step at a time, and before we know it, we’re entangled in adultery.

You start talking with an attractive coworker every day in the break room. You find out you have things in common. You begin to make extended eye contact and share your feelings and hopes and dreams. You find yourself thinking about them throughout the day, and hoping you’ll bump into them again. It becomes a growing attraction, and you can either cultivate it or shut it down.

Having struggled in your marriage is no excuse for cultivating an attraction to someone else. It may increase your temptation, but it doesn’t make it okay. No one can cause you to have an affair. It’s your own moral decision, no matter how unloving, unkind, or disengaged your spouse may be. There are other decisions you can make to handle problems in your marriage rather than committing adultery.

Even once you’re in the middle of a tempting situation, you can always make a decision to run away from it before the point of no return. Affairs are not accidental. Leading up to the temptation, you’re either cultivating loyalty to your spouse, or you’re stoking the fires of illicit desire.

If you have strong feelings for someone other than your spouse, now is the time to act. Don’t try to sweep it under the rug, think that’s it’s not a big deal, or that you can handle it on your own. Talk to a counselor, talk to your spouse if you need to, and most of all, stop the growing attraction by bringing it from darkness into light.

If you’ve already crossed the line and started an affair, confess it to your spouse and begin the arduous process of recovery. Bringing this sin into the light will be one of the most challenging things you’ve ever done but living a life of integrity and openness is far better than living one of secrecy and deceit.

Your spouse will be angry and devastated. This is normal. Don’t be defensive. Apologize, but know that that won’t be enough either. If your marriage can be saved, counseling will be absolutely crucial to the process.

If you believe that your marriage is over and you want to be with your affair partner instead of your spouse, at least have the decency and respect to put your affair on hold until you can end your marriage officially. You can’t keep your spouse and an affair partner happy while you secretly try to juggle both “relationships.”

Acknowledge your selfishness and sin and the pain that your choices have caused. Actions have consequences. Infidelity needs to be addressed as soon as possible. Acknowledge your personal feelings, and then consider the impact your actions are having on yourself and those around you. Find a therapist who can help you take the first step toward restoration. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can provide the support you need.

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Three Anger Issues Symptoms You Shouldn’t Ignore

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You’re driving down the highway and a driver cuts in front of you. Your immediate reaction is to blare your horn and shout obscenities. Road rage is a term used to describe someone expressing their anger while driving and it’s one of many examples of anger. If you’re struggling with these, Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you explore healthier ways to manage and respond to your anger.

There are a variety of situations that can trigger anger. Here are a few  anger issues symptoms to look out for.

Common Anger Issues Symptoms

1. Silent and invisible anger

When most people think about anger they imagine verbal and physical outbursts. However, anger manifests in many different ways including a silent and invisible expression. The phrase “it makes my blood boil” accurately describes how anger can feel.

You could be fuming mad internally, but on the surface, you appear normal. Anger, if never addressed in a healthy way, can begin as a silent build-up of emotions. Like a volcano, it lays dormant under the surface until one day it erupts unexpectedly.

2. Aggressive anger

Aggression is the typical symptom that comes to mind when anger is mentioned. Think of a toddler’s temper tantrum. They pinch, hit, scream, slap, punch, throw, slam and stomp. Those tantrums don’t always go away as the transition to adulthood happens.

If anger isn’t properly directed and managed it can cause harm to yourself and others. Counseling provides a place to talk about and examine what exactly is causing the anger. If anger isn’t being talked about, it’s being expressed instead.

You can think of anger like a water bottle. Each situation that frustrates or angers us adds a drop to the water bottle. Eventually, if the water is never released it becomes too full and overflows. In the end, it’s usually something that doesn’t normally frustrate us that ends up causing the overflow.

It’s not until someone snaps that others pay attention. It’s often hard to see what’s bubbling under the surface until it has already boiled over. Anger is like an iceberg.

Above the surface of the water, only a portion of the ice is visible. But below the water, lies the part of the ice that is unseen. This is the other feelings besides anger that create the bulk of the iceberg that’s invisible. These feelings can range from guilt to embarrassment and stress.

Anger, whether silent or screaming, can be brutal. Learning to communicate your feelings of anger is the key to normalizing and neutralizing the power anger has. By discussing what you remember and how it made you feel you are integrating the right (emotional) and the left (logical) hemispheres of the brain. This helps you to regain control of your anger instead of allowing anger to dominate you.

If we only look at anger when someone is in the middle of being angry, we will never understand their anger fully. Whether sitting with a 4-year-old who has constant tantrums or an ex-convict who recalls having blackout rages, the conversations are similar.

A counselor might ask, “What do you remember?” In digging deeper the conversation might shift to, “Where did you first start to feel the anger in your body?” Taking the time to understand and examine your anger in order to discover root issues will help you heal.

3. Self-focused Versus Others-focused Anger

People don’t always associate anger with depression, but if you dissect the thought process of someone living with depression, you will often find signs of anger turned inward.

Thoughts like, “I’m worthless” or “I’m not good enough,” can become repeated thoughts in the mind. If these thoughts are left bottled up, it can turn into a belief that life is not worth living anymore or everybody is better off without you around. Self-hatred can lead to suicide.

The opposite of this is homicide. Homicide is when anger towards another person builds to the point where murdering that person seems justified. Others-focused anger takes on various forms including aggravated assault, rape, domestic violence, child abuse, bullying, and terrorism. Both self-focused and others-focused anger is rooted in deep feelings of anger that originated somewhere within.

Anger is a normal emotion. How you channel that anger is what matters most. Anger that is left unchecked, can have disastrous effects. Feeling anger can be helpful because it is a gateway to identifying and uncovering other thoughts and emotions. Christian counseling is just one way to begin a journey of handling your anger in healthy ways. If you struggle with anger and its symptoms, Christian counseling offers a safe place to experience freedom. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling are here to guide you through the process of handling your anger in healthy ways.

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How Forgiving Others Can Set You Free

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Forgiveness. It’s such a loaded topic. There’s so much pain and doubt associated with that word — maybe bitterness, resentment, anguish, or grief.

Something shook you to your core, caused you deep sadness, and now you wonder: how can I move on from this? What does God expect me to do today? How can I forgive someone when I’m still dealing with the emotional fallout of how they’ve hurt me? Huntington Beach Christian Counseling offers a compassionate space to explore these questions, find healing, and move forward with hope.

Does forgiving others mean pretending you weren’t hurt? Does it minimize the pain that person has caused or the harm they’ve done?

The Meaning of Forgiveness

We all tend to have a personal definition of forgiveness. Depending on how we grew up, we might think forgiving others means accepting an apology, sweeping things under the rug, or talking it out. People have many different approaches to resolving a conflict. How does forgiveness apply in every situation?

What about the person who hurt you? They apologize. You forgive them. You assume this means they won’t commit the offense again. But then the person hurts you more.

Now you feel betrayed and confused. Was the person ever really sorry? Are you supposed to keep forgiving and acting as if nothing happened?

Extending mercy can seem impossible when someone has grievously sinned against you, when they continue to hurt you in the same way, or when you feel you must pretend that everything is okay when it’s not.

We have to cut through the confusion surrounding how we define forgiveness. What’s the motive behind it? What does the process of forgiveness entail? What should we do with patterns of harmful behavior that are forgiven and then repeated over and over again? How can we address the pain without living in bitterness?

The Complication of Emotions

We struggle because of the grief and anger we experience after being hurt. We may have thoughts like, “Why should I have to forgive them? Why don’t they treat me better?”

You might feel like you have to dismiss these thoughts to forgive someone, but acknowledging your emotions is crucial to the healing process. That way, you can work through them instead of stuffing them down, only to have them pop up again later and make things even more complicated.

Making the Decision to Forgive

Questions about forgiving others abound. Here are some you may struggle with:

  • Should you immediately “forgive and forget” the sin of the person who hurt you?
  • What does forgiveness look like on a practical level?
  • Do you have to communicate your forgiveness to the person who hurt you? If so, how?
  • Does God give us a time limit for how long we can take to forgive someone?
  • Is there a biblical process?
  • Are there examples in Scripture for us to follow?

As Christians, we know we are obligated to forgive. So, if there’s a time we’re struggling with the hurt someone has caused us, we often feel guilty and ashamed that we can’t “snap out of it” and immediately go on with life.

Scripture does have answers to these difficulties. We need to study the biblical principle of forgiveness, from God to us and from us to each other. Then, seeking God in prayer for wisdom, we can apply these principles to our lives and relationships.

One of the most definite statements we’ve heard on forgiveness came from a teenager who said, “You don’t need an apology to forgive. The Bible has taught me how to forgive others and is a constant reminder that I’ve received forgiveness as well.”

When They’re Not Sorry

There are some critical aspects of forgiveness we need to explore:

  • What is forgiveness?
  • What is not forgiveness?
  • Is there a timeline for it?

When people aren’t repentant, we can still forgive them. We see this in Jesus in one of his last moments on this earth. He prayed for the people who were crucifying Him: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” – Luke 23:34

Jesus demonstrates for us that if someone hurts us and doesn’t even realize it, we still have the freedom to forgive them.

This kind of forgiveness is a powerful act. How can we “let someone off the hook” who doesn’t acknowledge the offense? The world around us won’t understand. But we know that grace is a gift from God. When we extend grace unasked, we bless the person who hurt us, and we also benefit our spirit.

When Jesus forgave those who put him to death, the criminal hanging next to Him heard it. He asked Jesus to remember Him. Jesus responded with compassion and love, setting the most excellent example for us. He said to the criminal, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.” – Luke 23:34

When You’re Hurt Again

So you go through the process of forgiveness and feel that now, all will be well!

But then the person who hurt you does it again. How many times should we forgive a person who keeps hurting us? If we get angry the next time, does that mean we never truly forgave them in the first place?

These situations can make us very confused. Should we give this person space in our lives to continue hurting us? Can we stay away from them so they won’t cause more damage? How do we forgive, yet keep ourselves emotionally safe?

Scripture addresses these situations as well, teaching us how many times we should forgive someone. The Bible also discusses the concepts of restoration and reconciliation (which are distinct from forgiveness itself).

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” – Matthew 18:21-22

So we see that Jesus wants us to extend grace over and over again, just like He does for us. No matter how many times the person hurts us, we should be willing to show them mercy, as we have received mercy.

Forgiveness is a matter of the heart. We humbly acknowledge that we are sinners in need of grace. If we are a believer, God has forgiven us of our enormous sin debt against Him. So we turn to another and extend grace to them, knowing we have no right to demand payment from them for their debt against us.

How does this apply to physically or emotionally dangerous situations? Forgiveness means letting go of the desire for revenge or retribution. It means not seeking repayment for someone’s sin debt against us.

But forgiveness doesn’t preclude the wisdom of stewarding our bodies, minds, and hearts, and taking action to keep ourselves safe. With a humble, forgiving spirit, we may remove ourselves from a dangerous situation, or distance ourselves from a person who is emotionally damaging.

Forgiveness doesn’t equate to the restoration of a relationship, or reconciliation with the person who’s hurt us. Forgiveness is a one-way street. Reconciliation is a two-way street that requires both people to acknowledge their sin and be willing to change sinful behavior by God’s grace.

As you can see, forgiveness isn’t simplistic at all! It’s between you and God. He alone knows your thoughts and motives. He can give you the grace and wisdom you need to discern what’s required for any situation, whether that be forgiveness, emotional distance, or the restoration of a relationship. Take time to seek Him, and if others misunderstand you in the process, trust that He understands you.

The Hurt That Lasts Years

Some people will never be in our lives again because of the significant damage they’ve caused us. Sometimes we may have removed ourselves emotionally from something that happened a long time ago.

We might be okay with lingering subconscious resentment and think that the process of forgiveness isn’t even worth it. If we no longer think about it, we’ve forgiven that person, right?

Consider whether any past hurts still give a foothold to bitterness in your soul. There is intentional work to be done if this is the case. You don’t need to uproot your grief or undo the damage they caused. It means you can find freedom from any unforgiveness that holds you hostage while still acknowledging that what the other person did was sinful and wrong.

Read this beautiful Scripture that ties together God’s forgiveness for us, our forgiveness for others, and our prayer life:

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. – Mark 11:25

This Scripture demonstrates that forgiveness happens in our hearts and it’s between God and us. It takes time to process our pain, as tempting as it may sometimes be to sweep it under the rug. God wants us to open our hearts and lay our hurt before Him, so we can forgive without making excuses for the other person’s sin.

What about when you are the person in need of forgiveness? Think of the guilt or shame you feel when you know you’ve sinned against someone. Consider the relief of being fully and freely forgiven. God can grant you the grace to offer that gift to someone who has hurt you. As you do so, you will remember His loving forgiveness for your sin and His care for you that does not diminish when other people sin against you.

When the Relationship is Ongoing

As we’ve seen, forgiveness has many implications for our lives, and it can take many forms as we forgive:

  • Someone who never apologized
  • Someone who continues to sin against us
  • Someone who we are still in a relationship with, whether that be a spouse, family member, friend, coworker, etc.

How do we manage our relationships when we are committed to forgiving others when they hurt us?

Sometimes we don’t feel confident enough to confront someone about how they’ve hurt us, so there’s never an opportunity to resolve the issue. And often if we do face someone about the pain they’ve caused, they don’t take responsibility for what they’ve done. They may not apologize, or they may offer a surface-level apology and expect us to move on quickly.

When someone is uncaring and harsh, can we still love them? Can the power of our love motivate someone to change when nothing else would? With God, all things are possible.

In the New Testament, we read of a practical example of forgiveness among Christians, including the grief caused by the person who sinned:

If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent – not to put it too severely. The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient.

Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him. Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven – If there was anything to forgive – I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake. – 2 Corinthians 2: 5-8, 10

Loving someone when they don’t deserve it can unlock the door to renewal for both you and the person who hurt you. If the person is repentant, we have the freedom in Christ to comfort them and help them cultivate the motivation to change their damaging behavior.

Again, biblical love doesn’t mean setting yourself up for physical or emotional abuse. It doesn’t mean ignoring your right to be safe. If you are struggling with a situation like this, please reach out for help so you can apply biblical principles in a way that is wise for your circumstances.

The Next Step

The pain caused by others can have a varying degree of impact on our lives, depending on the severity of the offense. We may experience hurt, sadness, grief, anger, betrayal, and trauma as a result of someone’s actions towards us. The counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you process these emotions and work towards finding freedom through forgiveness.

Taking the next step is a courageous act, and it’s one you don’t have to carry alone. If you are struggling with someone who is still in your life, you may be able to bring them to counseling too. Our family counselors are available to help you work through the process of forgiveness together.

If you are the one who has caused the hurt and you’re struggling with guilt and shame, we want to help you find freedom in God’s grace and the restoration of your relationships.

Forgiveness and freedom are available to you today. Let us help you take the next step in your journey.

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Why You Should (and Shouldn’t) Try Christian Marriage Counseling

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Marriage is a wonderful blessing from God. Sharing life with your spouse can bring incredible joy and fulfillment. But anyone who is married will tell you that it is not always easy. Communication breakdown, resentment, or even infidelity – all too often, marriages can go very wrong.

One of the most effective ways of dealing with problems in your marriage is to see a marriage counselor. This is, of course, easier said than done. Indeed, those who are going through a difficult period in their marriage may be reluctant to start opening up to a stranger about it! Plus, many believe that “it just won’t work.” At Huntington Beach Christian Counseling, compassionate professionals are ready to help you navigate these challenges.

Does Christian Marriage Counseling Work?

In most cases, Christian marriage counseling has proven to be extremely effective. It provides the opportunity for both parties to communicate their particular feelings and concerns and is all facilitated within a neutral and safe environment. With that being said, there are arguments for and against marriage counseling, so let’s take a look at a few.

Arguments for Christian Marriage Counseling

1. A Mediator is Helpful

Often, by the time you decide to seek out help for your marriage, communication has completely broken down. You may find that any discussion on the serious issues in your marriage ends up turning into an argument.

In these instances, a mediator may be extremely helpful, as they can act as a referee and a sounding board. A mediator will keep the conversation on the right path and will ensure that the discussion remains constructive. When working on a marriage in crisis, it is of the highest importance that the two people are able to hold a good and fair discussion on the issues that have divided them.

2. You’ll Gain Fresh Perspective

When a marriage hits a rough patch, it is often a result of a breakdown in communication. You may find yourself stuck in a pattern of unhealthy behavior toward your spouse, with no idea of how to change it for the good.

Seeing a Christian marriage counselor can help you both gain a fresh perspective and can assist you in dismantling some of the emotional walls that have been erected as a result of the poor health of the marriage.

3. It Encourages Hope

When you find yourselves stuck in a difficult marital situation, it can become very disheartening. After years of struggle, emotional turmoil and pain, it is easy to begin to feel hopeless about the situation. Making a marriage counseling appointment is an important step for you to take as a couple. You are, in effect, declaring that there is hope and a future for your marriage, and you are taking the joint decision to work on things together.

4. Overcoming Hardship Together Often Improves Bonding

When you make a conscious choice to seek help as a married couple, it signals a pivotal moment in your relationship. Though counseling will never be easy, it is the commitment to a better marriage that is the most crucial aspect of seeking additional assistance.

Plus, as you start to sort through the issues that have been holding you both back, you will develop a stronger bond. As you begin to see your marriage improve, you will be thankful for each other’s devotion to the process.

5. The Harder Path is Often the Better One

Of course, we all want to take the easy route sometimes. Unfortunately, when it comes to marriage, it is often the hardest path that yields the most fruitful results. The same applies to marriage counseling. It is not easy, but it can help you transform your marriage into a loving and stable relationship.

It can be tempting to keep going through the motions of marriage even though you are in a terrible place, but this is dangerous. Get honest, own the issues, and get plugged in to some counseling.

6. There’s A Lot at Stake

Marriage is a God-given gift. It is a sacred commitment between two people and the most stable environment in which to raise a family, so when a marriage fails, the fallout can be huge. It goes without saying that the emotional damage to kids can be enormous when their parents split up. Extended family bonds may also become strained.

It is critical to keep your marriage at the top of your list of life’s priorities and to seek out help when it is required. If you choose to go your own way, you will regret the immense damage it causes to your spouse, your family and those closest to you.

Arguments Against Christian Marriage Counseling

While engaging in Christian marriage counseling is very rarely a poor choice for a struggling marriage, it can sometimes be the wrong choice for a couple. The right emotional state, the willingness of both parties and a large dose of patience is required. If these are not present, it might not be the right time to embark on a counseling journey.

Here are a few things that might give you cause to reconsider whether or not it is the right time for you to engage in Christian marriage counseling.

1. Both Spouses Have to Be (or Become) Committed

In the beginning, it is not uncommon for one or both spouses to feel reluctant to engage. Like ripping off a band-aid to expose the state of what lies beneath, it can be difficult and painful! This usually improves once the couple starts to see and experience the benefits that counseling is having on their marriage.

However, if one spouse has pressured the other into attending, and if they have absolutely no desire to be there, it can do more harm than good.

If a spouse is completely resistant to making any changes, Christian marriage counseling can become ineffective and incredibly frustrating for the willing party. Both individuals need to be keen for it to work.

2. Sometimes it’s Too Late

Unfortunately, sometimes things are just too far gone for counseling to have any positive effect on the relationship. When communication has deteriorated to the point of insults and bitterness, it may be impossible to recover through counseling, unless the two spouses desire change.

If neither person can recognize any potential good in the relationship, and if they have zero vision for the future, it might not be helpful to hash it out any further in counseling. Having said this, we believe (and have seen!) that God can do mighty and miraculous works, even beyond what we could have imagined. Better to give it a try than to doubt what God is capable of doing.

3. Spouses Must be Willing to Change

If one spouse is involved an extramarital affair and wants to come to counseling, but is reluctant to give up the illicit relationship, no progress will be made. The same applies to any sort of addictive behavior that is having an adverse effect on the marriage.

Of course, we are all fallible human beings who mess up on a daily basis, but the individual must be willing to change – that is the most important thing. If they have no intention of changing their ways, counseling is likely to be a waste of time.

4. Individual Issues Must Sometimes Take Precedence

If one of the individuals involved in the marriage is dealing with serious emotional trauma from before or during the marriage, their well-being must be prioritized. They may be going through something that requires individual therapeutic work.

In this case, jumping into couples counseling could be detrimental to the marriage. The couple may decide to attend joint therapy once the person is in an appropriate emotional state to do so.

5. Know Your Own Limitations

There may be certain personal struggles that are preventing you from attending counseling. Perhaps you suffer from crippling anxiety at the thought of sitting down with a stranger and revealing your deepest secrets. But in the right setting and with the right therapist, a comfortable environment can be created. Some people are simply averse to receiving help and advice – but that always comes down to personal choice.

6. Find the Right Marriage Counselor

It is incredibly important to find the right “fit” when it comes to your counselor. You must be wise when seeking out someone to help you deal with the deepest issues in your marriage. It must be someone who you feel comfortable with, who has the required experience, and who you can be completely honest with.

Christian marriage counseling can be an incredibly effective form of therapy for couples who are on the brink of splitting up. With the right attitude, and with the help of a well-matched therapist, marriages can be restored and renewed. If both individuals are committed to the healing of their marriage, we believe it can be done. Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling are ready to help guide you through this challenging time with compassion.

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