What is Forgiveness, Really? Forgiveness Defined

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Facing the need to forgive someone can be a struggle for many, begging the question, “What is forgiveness, really?” How does one know when they truly have forgiven? Whether you have been on the receiving or giving end, consider these layers of forgiveness.

Defined.

There are multiple layers to forgiveness to understand, including but not limited to: letting go, forgetting, expectations, and behaviors. In a small, informal poll on forgiveness, it was shown that the definition varies from person to person.

The one common factor of each participant’s definition was that a change for the giver of forgiveness occurred once forgiveness was granted. Forgiveness can equate to some or all of the layers being changed. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help guide you through the process of forgiveness and healing.

Layers of forgiveness: letting go.

Letting go of something is a basic definition of forgiveness. This layer implies that once forgiveness is granted, the wrongdoer is no longer held to account for the wrongdoing. It can also imply that the wrongdoing no longer bothers the one who is forgiving.

That being said, letting go does not have to equal both of those right away, as it takes time for the emotional impact of wrongs stirred up in memory to lessen its grip on those called to forgive. Whether the emotional impact ever entirely goes away or can be forgotten is not predictable.

Layers of forgiveness: forgetting.

Forgiving and forgetting are commonly linked together. In Christian circles, they take root with principles drawn from verses like Psalm103:12, which speaks of God removing our sins from us as far as the east is from the west. The only trouble is, forgetting is not something that can be guaranteed.

In fact, it is difficult to prove that forgetting something can be willed. The more impactful the wrong, the more likely it is that it will be more difficult to forget. So with this layer, it is important to consider two things:

First, as a forgiver, be clear with yourself that remembering does not mean it is happening again, nor does remembering mean that you haven’t forgiven.

Second, as one who is forgiving someone, there will be a variety of ways your memory of the wrongdoing can be triggered throughout any moment in time (i.e. similar emotions rising, similar tones/expressions/circumstances, similar relationship dynamics, etc.). Take care to set reasonable expectations about your ability to forget.

Layers of forgiveness: new expectations.

What does it mean to forgive, really? Setting new expectations is an important layer of forgiveness. Some consider forgiveness to include the expectation that the relationship with a wrongdoer is perfectly intact as it was before any wrongdoing. Others consider themselves responsible to expect no further wrong will be done; otherwise, a lack of trust would demonstrate a lack of forgiveness.

Both of those views on setting new expectations have dangerous implications. It may be so that a forgiving person is to set new expectations for the relationship with the wrongdoer, but careful consideration must be made so as not to confuse forgiveness with blind acceptance and false expectations over what is not in one’s control.

Forgiveness includes washing away the expectation of someone needing to pay for a wrong, such as with a debt. In some relationships, forgiveness may still require expectation of change in the boundaries and interactions (i.e. prohibiting them from having access to you in the same capacity as before).

Layers of forgiveness: new behaviors.

Along the lines of changing how much access you give a wrongdoer to you once forgiveness is established, the behaviors you display toward this individual need to be considered in order to align with your forgiveness.

With the definition of forgiveness including washing away the expectation of someone needing to pay for the wrongdoing, forgiving someone necessitates the behavior of self-control on the forgiver’s part. This equates to not bringing up the wrong that was forgiven in expectation that the wrongdoer should feel remorse again.

Other new behaviors to be considered are whether or not you allow yourself to engage in a similar fashion with the wrongdoer. For example, if you decide to treat them as though they will never change from their wrongdoing ways, you may discontinue engaging with them or treat them as “less than” or with contempt.

It would be difficult to prove that these new behaviors, not to be confused with acting with caution, would indicate a heart of forgiveness. To differentiate between the two, a helpful question can be:

“Am I able to not hold them accountable while hoping that they change in the time I am separate from them, or am I requiring change/payment/retribution in order to let the issue go and condemning them to be only ever a wrongdoer?”

By asking this question honestly, one can get back to the heart of forgiveness and whether it has truly happened.

Next steps.

Forgiveness is as much complex as it is simple. It is defined as washing away the debt of someone who owes. This comes with a change of expectations and behaviors toward any wrongdoer. As Christians, we are called to forgive and forgive again.

Forgiving someone can be difficult to navigate for many reasons. There is wisdom in seeking counsel while seeking to forgive someone and managing all of the issues and emotions that come along with it. If you need support, reach out me or another Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling in our online directory today.

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Self-help Strategies for Adult ADHD

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Did you know that whether or not your symptoms are linked to adult ADHD, stress, or any other type of mental health condition, many self-help tools and methods are available to help you regain and enjoy your mental balance?

If you are looking for a short collection of tips directly affecting those who have, or suspect they have, adult ADHD, read on for more information on how to improve your memory, enjoy a stable mood, and increase your concentration. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling is here to provide support and guidance as you navigate these challenges.

Strategies to mitigate the effects of adult ADHD.

Appreciate the power of sleep.

Good sleep hygiene is the routine we adopt when we prepare our bodies and minds for a good night’s sleep. Best practices regarding sleep include turning off backlit devices (i.e. mobile phones, laptops, TVs) two hours before your bedtime to encourage your body to release adequate melatonin. Keeping a regular sleep routine of going to bed around the same time seven days a week, and limiting your daytime naps to a maximum of half an hour.

Understand the effects of screen time.

Outside of working hours, experts suggest that you limit yourself to less than two hours of screen time per day. And when you are using your mobile phone then try to use it in a way that avoids having to multitask. Rather use one app at a time and resist the temptation to switch between them. In the same way, do not flip between multiple tabs when you are browsing the net.

Eat well.

It is good to know how eating affects you. Eating healthily often has the effect of your body and mind receiving consistent energy throughout the day, and this helps you sustain your focus. Making sure that a high percentage of your diet includes lean protein, whole grains, vegetables, and fruits will prevent any nutritional deficiencies and also regulate your blood sugar levels.

Routines help your brain relax.

Regular daytime routines provide your body and mind with stability and predictability. This is extremely helpful for someone dealing with adult ADHD. At work, create schedules by listing your to-dos and prioritizing them, keeping in mind when you are typically fresh and full of energy and when your energy is low, such as later in the afternoon.

Regular exercise.

It should not surprise anyone that physical movement increases the functioning of your brain whether or not you have adult ADHD. Exercise is also linked to the reduction of anxiety and depression by lowering the amount of cortisol, a stress hormone, in your body while increasing levels of dopamine and serotonin.

Practicing mindfulness.

Bringing your attention back to the present so that you can recognize your emotions and process them properly is the practice of mindfulness. It is a technique used to actively manage thoughts and emotions so that your brain filters out distractions and is trained to control impulses that are not helpful. Combined, these create a significant improvement in adult ADHD symptoms.

Get your senses on your side.

Depending on your preference, take control of the sounds in your environment. This can be done by playing soft music (baroque-style classical music is effective in this way), playing white noise, or making sure that it is absolutely silent by using noise-canceling headphones.

Be aware of how you respond to light, does a bright working environment assist your energy levels? Make your surroundings work for you by fine-tuning the sensory input your body receives.

Know yourself.

Knowing your likes and preferences, such as what it takes for you to get into an energy flow state where you have good focus, or how you are distracted, and being aware of some of your triggers of adult ADHD, will assist you as you adopt behavior and approaches to different situations that work for you.

Ask for help.

Adopting self-help techniques does not require you to face your adult ADHD all by yourself. Talk about the things which you are battling. There are a variety of ways you can do this, such as joining an online ADHD support group and sharing with your family and work colleagues.

Recruit professional Christian help.

Informal check-ins with friends are useful and a key part of your journey, however, you can take it up a level and enlist the help of a counselor. This professional can help you discuss a potential ADHD diagnosis, manage how you experience spikes in symptoms, and deal with any anxiety and depression.

Drawing on advice to negotiate stressful life events, creating supportive relationships, and being better at knowing your thoughts and emotions, are invaluable tools to become more robust, prepared, and bonded to those around you. These are all important indicators of mental and physical health and quality of life.

If you’re looking for additional help to better understand adult ADHD beyond this article, then why not browse our online counselor directory or contact our Christian counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to schedule an appointment? We would be honored to walk with you on this journey.

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Effective Treatment for Anxiety: Methods that Last

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Over 40 million people in the US are suffering from and searching for effective treatment for anxiety. Anxiety is a debilitating state of mind in which excessive worry rules the lives of those who struggle with it. There is no age restriction for anxiety. Children, teens, and adults can suffer from this disorder. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can provide support and strategies to help manage and reduce anxiety.

Treatment for anxiety: what can be done?

Treatment for anxiety depends on multiple variables such as symptoms, time, place, age, and availability of resources. Fortunately, anxiety is not new. Research has been operating for over 2,000 years in relation to the treatment for anxiety. While there is no guarantee in any method of treatment for anxiety, there are treatments proven to be more effective and longer lasting than others.

Anxiety symptoms.

Anxiety symptoms have been defined in a Diagnostic Statistics Manual (DSM) for clinicians since 1952. The current understanding of anxiety has led to a number of symptoms to be included for the diagnosing of anxiety. While there is a stand-alone anxiety disorder, any number of these symptoms can be present in conjunction with other disorders. This is one reason a therapist is helpful when treating anxiety.

The current edition of the DSM (DSM V) describes 11 different anxiety disorders. These include: Social Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, and Unspecified Anxiety Disorder.

Anxiety is defined in the DSM as having “excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least six months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or social performances).” Five more criteria are looked at for clinicians to diagnose anxiety, including the focus of the anxiety, specific symptoms, and the level of control over the anxiety.

Effective treatment for anxiety can depend on the variety of symptoms each individual is experiencing. Methods that last have three things in common: the expectations the individual holds, rewiring the brain, and finding support.

Treatment for anxiety: methods that are proven to last.

Brain training (known by many names).

Brain training, also known as rewiring the brain, is a far-reaching and long-lasting method of treating anxiety. A simple way to understand brain training is: changing the way your brain operates with anxiety by either chemical work, physical work, or both.

Chemical work for anxiety is done by use of medications. This approach is monitored by medical professionals and aids many people in a similar way as heart medication –allowing for a chemical support to reduce anxiety’s overstimulation of the brain and body.

Physical work for the treatment of anxiety is done by the use of physical and/or mental exercises that strengthen the brain’s response to anxiety and thereby reduces the effects of anxiety. This work is done with the help of a therapist or counselor.

The brain training method, whether chemical, physical, or a mix of both, is an effective treatment for anxiety and one of the methods proven to last. After the initial learning of brain rewiring, many who struggle with anxiety can expect to use this approach in a practical manner throughout their lives.

Expectations.

Finding an effective treatment for anxiety with methods that last can be a discouraging journey and the expectations of an individual suffering from anxiety matter when deciding to get help. Not everyone is the same, neither is every therapist

When searching for effective treatment for anxiety, there needs to be a basic level of understanding that not all people are the same. The way that one individual suffers with anxiety may not be the same as another.

Methods that last rely on appropriate expectations from the individual suffering with symptoms of anxiety. To expect that seeing one therapist for a certain amount of time will “cure” anxiety is likely going to lead to disappointment.

Avoiding the disappointment is possible by adjusting expectations in this area. Know that the individual suffering with anxiety may need to rely on their own ratio of chemical and physical work.

Know that it is okay to change therapists should the relationship not feel supportive. That being said, it is important to consider expectations for how consistent one needs to be in order to effectively reduce symptoms of anxiety.

Consistency in any method is key.

Expectations regarding the amount of consistent work it will take to develop an effective treatment for anxiety are important. Methods that last require that the individual suffering with symptoms of anxiety make effort to keep up with treatment.

This takes shape in a couple of ways. One, the individual must expect that while working with one therapist or another can produce more effective results depending on the relationship, this does not mean that working with any therapist will always be pleasant.

When utilizing effective treatments for anxiety, clients can face periods of discomfort and difficulty when working through the physical and mental work. It is important to continue the work consistently to find the most effective treatment to reduce anxiety symptoms overall for each individual.

Chemical work also has the potential to produce negative results in some cases, and requires consistent monitoring and self-advocacy from the individuals utilizing it. Methods that last require the individual’s consistent effort to work with the tools and supports put in place.

It may work at different times.

With the best consistency and greatest support systems, anxiety symptoms may still rise from time to time. It is important to set expectations regarding the effectiveness of the tools you develop.

Any method that lasts helps an individual develop multiple tools to reduce symptoms of anxiety. Each of these tools has a time and a place for effectiveness. Where one tool may be all one needs in one instance of being anxious, a different tool or multiple tools in succession will be required in another. This includes the tool of accessing a support system.

Finding support: medication, family, friends, church, and counseling.

Support for anxiety comes in multiple forms: medication, medical professionals, family and/or friends, church and community groups, and a therapist/counselor.

These supports all serve the purpose of coming alongside an individual to encourage, redirect, and/or provide trusted perspective and insight the individual can rely on when their own may be skewed by anxiety. The Christian counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling are here to offer guidance and help you find clarity and peace.

It is important to develop a variety of supports. Each support plays a part in methods proven to last when treating anxiety. A therapist can help you develop these support systems.

If you are struggling to know where to start or simply ready to begin working on developing the tools to reduce anxiety, reach out to me or another local therapist today.

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Finding Your Way Back to the Light: Addressing Depression and Anger

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If you experience a major depressive episode, it can seem as though all the light in the world could never lift the gloom surrounding you. When you couple that with the anger that often accompanies depression, it can make it even more difficult to recover.

Making sense of depression.

Depression is a mood disorder and a diagnosable mental health disorder; it is not simply what you feel when you’re going through a tough time. If a person feels sad after the loss of a loved one or another personal tragedy, that is to be expected and is a natural way for a person to deal with those events. If you’re struggling with depression, Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you navigate these feelings and find healing.

Depression may look like this form of sadness, but it is also combined with issues such as having trouble sleeping or struggling with concentration. To be diagnosed with depression or major depressive disorder, a mental health professional will apply criteria laid out by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition (DSM-5).

The DSM-5 says that for such a diagnosis, specific symptoms such as loss of interest or pleasure in everyday activities like work or time with loved ones should be present for at least two weeks.

Other symptoms that can cause impairment in daily functioning must be present for a diagnosis of depression. Some of these include:

  • Significant and unintentional changes in your appetite and weight.
  • Feelings of emptiness, worthlessness, or excessive guilt.
  • Experiencing brain fog, or the diminished ability to think or concentrate, and being uncharacteristically indecisive.

It is important to remember that symptoms of depression don’t look the same or follow the same pattern for everyone. There are multiple other symptoms a professional will look for that make up the criteria.

Why are depression and anger often connected?

Depression often presents as feelings of deep sadness or apathy. However, a depressive episode doesn’t look the same for everyone who experiences it. For men, for example, the symptoms of a depressive episode, such as feelings of unworthiness and helplessness can translate into an increase in anger and irritability. Essentially, the sadness ignites the anger in some.  That anger may be directed at events from your past, at yourself, or it may not have an object at all.

Maladaptive anger is at times present when a person has a depressive episode, and that anger may be turned either inward as one listens to their inner critic, or outwardly as angry outbursts, being irritable, or snapping at people.

Going through a depressive episode is hard enough but adding anger into the equation can harm your relationships at a time when those relationships are needed most to provide emotional ballast. But why are depression and the maladaptive anger that frequently manifests as irritability, hostility, and anger outbursts often connected in this way?

For one thing, there is some evidence to suggest that serotonergic dysfunction (an imbalance of neurochemicals in your brain) may be partly to blame. This imbalance leads to irritability, depression, and anger, and that’s why the medications that are used to treat depression such as Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) may also help to relieve your symptoms of anger over time.

Gender can also play a role in the connection between anger and depression. As noted, it is common for men to experience maladaptive anger during a depressive episode. The National Institute of Mental Health has noted that men may be less likely to talk about their experience of depression, choosing instead to mask symptoms as well as their emotions.

The result of this is an increase in anger, aggressiveness, and hostility. These maladaptive strategies for regulating one’s emotions aren’t limited only by gender, but other factors may play a role, such as age, culture, and whether there is a history of trauma and abuse.

Experiencing abuse or neglect in childhood can contribute to feelings of unresolved anger, and if there are any internalized feelings of helplessness and worthlessness that stem from adverse childhood experiences, which can lead a person to redirect their anger toward themselves. These feelings can then fuel shame, harsh self-criticism, and self-punishment which often co-occur with a depressive episode.

Addressing depression and anger

To begin with, if you suspect you may be struggling with symptoms of depression, you should first get screened by a medical or mental health professional who can provide an assessment of your life history and the severity of your symptoms.

If the screening results in a diagnosis of depression, the good news is that there are several ways to treat depression, including medication and psychotherapy. Therapy can address both depression and the anger that can accompany it.

To deal with maladaptive anger, several strategies can be employed in therapy, and these include managing the triggers of your anger to help you cope in the meantime as you grow in handling anger better, learning to accept your anger and express it in healthy ways, and alleviating anger before it gets worse.

Part of the treatment plan that your therapist may recommend include therapies such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which challenges and reframes angry reactions and the unwanted thought patterns that stem from depression.

Interpersonal Therapy teaches you strategies to help you address and communicate anger and other difficult feelings that affect your relationships; Psychodynamic Therapy, which can help you explore the sources of anger and depression; and Emotionally Focused Therapy, which can help transform maladaptive emotions by addressing their root cause.

In addition to therapy, your therapist may recommend a referral for medication, which can alleviate the symptoms of depression, including anger.

Finding the light when you’re feeling depressed and angry.

Depression is a serious mental health challenge, but thankfully there is hope to overcome it. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, in 2020, an estimated 14.8 million U.S. adults aged eighteen or older had at least one major depressive episode with severe impairment in the past year. This number represented 6% of all U.S. adults.

People from all walks of life and different backgrounds are affected, whether directly or otherwise, by mental health issues. Christians aren’t immune from these realities. The Lord in His goodness has provided the means to address these challenges in both His Word and with the support of His Church. Though we may walk through a dark valley and struggle to see the light of God’s goodness, we can say with the Psalmist,

I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds. – Psalms 77:11-12, NIV

There’s no need to feel ashamed about reaching out to others for help in dealing with anger and depression. Reach out and ask for help, as doing so will provide you with space to improve your relationships and health.

If you struggle with anger and depression, seek out a mental health professional for help. They can walk with you and provide you with guidance along your path toward finding joy and light in your life again. Don’t hesitate to make an appointment with the Christian counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to begin making that journey toward wholeness and healing.

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Bible Verses About Anxiety to Help You Overcome Anxious Thoughts

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If you pay attention to the news or social media, there’s likely more than one thing you’ll encounter that will make you groan in despair or leave you feeling somewhat anxious.
Having the ability to connect to what’s happening everywhere across the globe with our easy-to-use technology has been a major factor in increasing anxiety. Whether it is for you or someone you know, chances are you know about anxiety and have searched for ways to help with overcoming it.

Anxiety is common, and according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), “anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults (19.1% of the population) age 18 and older every year.” What can you do to address anxiety effectively?

Anxiety can be addressed by using therapy to work through its underlying causes and learning ways of coping with it. Other tools people have found helpful in overcoming anxiety include yoga, meditation, journaling, or even medication. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can guide you in finding the right approach for your anxiety.

With any of those intervention tools, there is a need to create room to hear God’s promises and truth through His Word (the Bible). Despite how some have experienced the use of Scripture in the case of anxiety, it holds many encouragements that help us address anxiety.

Anxiety has a physiological aspect, to be sure, but there is a spiritual component that ought not to be discounted. The Bible, being God’s inspired wisdom, holds the reality of our potential for being anxious as well as the truest form of what will support us through such a time.

Bible verses about anxiety.

Anxiety has been a common concern for humanity since the first sin. The Bible has much to say about it because we all feel uncertain about the future, even though God knows the end of things from their beginning. The following Bible verses about anxiety are for you to meditate on, to study, and to know.

These Bible verses about anxiety and other passages of Scripture contain the keys to helping you overcome feelings of uncertainty and anxiety in tough times:

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. – John 14:27, NIV

Jesus spoke these words to His disciples, urging them to embrace His peace that isn’t based on circumstances. The peace that He leaves us all is His Holy Spirit. His disciples need not fear not because everything is fine and dandy, but because the God they worship, who is bigger than any circumstance, has given them His presence to dwell with them.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. – John 16:33, NIV

These words, spoken by Jesus on the night He was betrayed by one of His disciples, may seem paradoxical at first. How can Jesus have overcome the world when at that very moment forces were arrayed against Him to arrest and then subsequently kill Him?

Jesus understood not only God’s hand over every facet of His life, but He trusted God with the outcome. Jesus’ death for our sins wasn’t the end of the story. He overcame death and was raised to new life.

Trouble will come, whether it be in the form of persecution, terrible circumstances, or guilt from wandering from God’s truth, and that fact should steel us against life’s happenings. Looking to Jesus’ resurrection can help us live life with the hope that what is impossible for us is possible for God.

We can encourage ourselves with these words through uncertain times: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10, NIV)

And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. – Matthew 6:27, 34, ESV

Talking with His disciples, Jesus reminded them of the futility of anxiety. Anxiety will often rob us of hours of our lives as we ruminate on possibilities that never happen. And even when they do, our time could have been better spent elsewhere. Take each day as it comes.

Jesus’ discourse on worry in this chapter demonstrates the truth of God being a heavenly Father Who desires and promises to take care of us. It finishes with the truth that those who seek after the good of their flesh over the good of the Lord will find themselves unsatisfied and anxious.

Therefore, taking each day as it comes takes the form of seeking after God first for total satisfaction no matter what state your clothes, food, and things otherwise are in.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:6-7, ESV

Instead of allowing your anxieties to derail you, commit everything to God in prayer. Practicing gratitude helps focus your mind on the good things in your life, loosening anxiety’s grip on you. Thanksgiving can disrupt anxious thoughts, helping you replace worry with abundant peace.

Coming to a deeper understanding of the God who can preserve you through hardship can help you face anxiety squarely. Hence, the words just before this passage state “The Lord is near.” Knowing God and His presence in your life makes all the difference in the face of anxiety.

It takes time to unlearn unhelpful patterns and learn new ways of coping with anxiety. Pairing a study and meditation of Scripture with any of the tools you pursue is the most fruit-yielding approach.

If you’re looking for additional support beyond these Bible verses about anxiety to help you manage your anxious thoughts, don’t hesitate to seek out a Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling who can help you release your anxiety and take hold of God’s abundant peace. Connect with our office today for help.

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Boundaries in Dating: Christian Principles

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Dating as a Christian today can be a hazardous exercise, with enormous pressure to conform to modern liberal norms. The Western world’s view of dating is primarily self-seeking, in which people date to overcome loneliness, fulfill perceived needs, and gain access to regular sex. In a word, there are no boundaries in dating.

As Christians, we are called to be “in the world” rather than “of the world.” How then should the way we date be different from the world’s way? What boundaries in dating should we put in place to protect us?

5 Suggested Boundaries in Dating for Christian Relationships

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. – Proverbs 4:23, NIV

1. Remember the purpose of dating.

The first of these five suggested boundaries in dating is to remember the purpose of dating. A Christian’s purpose in dating is quite simply to get to know if someone could be a suitable marriage partner. Therefore, first, make sure you are in a position (or soon to be in a position) to marry.

Marriage – specifically a marriage that glorifies God – is thus the ultimate goal of Christian dating. Dating someone unsuitable is not only pointless but also manipulative – if you don’t intend to marry them, you are effectively using them as an object to satisfy a perceived need. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can provide support in setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships.

2. Only date other believers and be honest about your faith.

Throughout Scripture, believers who want to get married are expected to marry other believers (e.g. – 2 Corinthians 6:14). This is another critical boundary in dating. If you use an online dating app, state your faith clearly on your profile. Don’t waste your time or other people’s time by hiding this critical bit of information.

If you meet someone in person, try to work it into the conversation early on and ask the other person about their faith. If a person seems reluctant to be known as a Christian, who hasn’t been plugged connected to a church for some time, or whose faith seems weak, these are red flags that dating should be avoided.

3. Introduce the other person early in the relationship.

In secular romantic movies, a couple will only introduce their boyfriend or girlfriend to their parents (and even some of their friends) after the relationship has become lengthy or serious, or even only after they are engaged! However, as Christians, seeking wise counsel from others on important matters like a potential marriage partner is a mark of spiritual maturity.

Introduce your partner to your family and friends early on in the relationship and invite input from other Christians that you trust. Often family or friends who know you well will be able to confirm whether the person is likely to be a good match or will draw your attention to some potential issues. These may not be easy conversations, so try not to be on the defensive but hear them out and remember the heart behind the comments.

4. Make it easier for yourself to stay sexually pure.

Among the most important boundaries in dating is staying sexually pure – this is reiterated in both the Old and New Testaments and remains a commandment for Christians today. Make it easier to avoid temptation by not living together, sleeping over at one another’s homes, or going on holiday alone together.

In fact, don’t ever be alone in private. In other words, only go out in public places or where others are around to help keep you accountable. Be aware of what you watch. Most of all, stay focused on the Lord and be an active member of a church that will support you as you date.

5. Put a (realistic) timeline on the relationship.

While marriage is not something to be rushed into, there is also something to be said about not pursuing a long-term relationship. If you have been dating for more than a year or two, it would be wise to ask yourselves honestly why there has been a lack of commitment to marriage and then either decide to marry or separate by a mutually agreed-upon date. Being stuck in a perpetual dating relationship generally gives rise to feelings of insecurity and unhappiness for at least half of the couple.

Seeking professional help.

If you are concerned about boundaries in your current relationship, consider Christian counseling in Huntington Beach. Talking through your concerns with a counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling who shares your faith could help you to see any red flags before you contemplate marriage. Reach out to our office and make an appointment with a trained relationship therapist today.

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Anger in the Bible: A Helpful Corrective for Unhealthy Anger

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If you’ve ever felt angry at someone or a situation, you probably know how powerful the emotion of anger is. It can color your perception of a situation or person, and it can motivate you to take action to fix whatever has gone wrong. As we look at anger in the Bible, we see that the action may or may not be appropriate, and it may or may not be wise.

For example, you can decide to start a campaign to address child hunger in your city because you’re angered at the injustice of it all, or you can get out of your car and assault a fellow motorist because their terrible driving triggered you. The same emotion can drive helpful and constructive behavior, but it can propel you toward harming others just as easily. Managing these emotions is crucial, and Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you navigate them healthily.

Anger in the Bible

The Bible presents a complex picture of anger. Being angry itself isn’t necessarily a problem because anger is a natural emotion whose reality you ought to embrace. Your anger lets you know that somewhere in your life something is not what it should be, so you should pay attention to it. However, because anger is such a powerful emotion, care should be taken not to be overwhelmed by anger and say or do the first thing that comes to mind.

This nuanced approach to anger is captured in two key Bible verses. In Ephesians Paul writes: “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” (Ephesians 4:26-27, NIV) Being angry is not the same thing as sinning or falling short of God’s intentions for your life.

You can be angry, but what matters is what you then do with those feelings and thoughts. You can do constructive and godly things with it, or you can slander others or cause them physical harm. Holding onto anger for too long is also problematic, as that can affect how you relate to others. Lingering in anger longer than necessary is a recipe for relationship problems.

Another Bible verse to consider is in James: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” (James 1:19-20, NIV) Anger is a visceral impulse that demands immediate attention. When you feel angry, you feel like you want to do something about it now.

Being slow to anger and allowing yourself to first listen to the other person and not respond hastily indicates that you, not your anger, are in control.

What is it about ‘human anger’ that’s so problematic? Anger can stem from an entirely self-centered place, and we can leverage it to do terrible things to others. That’s why anger must take a back seat to other considerations.

What James says here echoes another Bible passage that tells us about God’s character: “But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.” (Psalms 86:15, NIV) This verse also comes up in Exodus 34, indicating what God is like, and we are called to imitate Him. Being slow to anger is a sign of a godly character.

Learning to deal with anger

Anger and the things that cause anger are a fact of life. It’s important to acknowledge that reality, and to learn how to rein anger in so that its expression is constructive and healthy. If you struggle with controlling anger, or if your life is marked by feeling angry most or all the time, you may have an anger problem that needs attention. You can begin dealing with anger through a few simple self-help techniques, which include the following:

Exercise, which helps you take your mind off whatever made you angry, and helps you work off the adrenalin and cortisol in your system.

Take a breath. Don’t respond immediately to an email or comment; count to ten and breathe in deeply to calm yourself. You can even walk away if necessary

Use humor to diffuse the situation. It’s okay to laugh at yourself for taking things too seriously.

Learn your anger triggers. When you know what makes you angry, you can better prepare for those situations.

With the help of an anger management therapist, you can learn to handle anger better, grow in empathy toward others, become a more effective communicator, and reap the health and relational benefits of having your anger well in hand.

Your therapist can help you better understand the roots of your anger. They can also provide you with added tools to disrupt unhelpful patterns of thought and behavior that fuel angry thoughts. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help today to get your anger under control. The counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling are here to help. Browse our online counselor directory to find a therapist for you.

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Thriving as a Highly Sensitive Person

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The chaos of the world can be overwhelming for those who are deemed to be highly sensitive. A highly sensitive person (HSP) reacts differently to the environment around them. Most of the time an HSP will be someone who is highly particular about details.

They want to know the cause and effect of any given situation. The emotional intelligence of someone who is an HSP is much higher than most of the people around them.

It is possible for highly sensitive people to learn how to excel in life with their sensitivity. By understanding themselves and their reactions, a highly sensitive person can thrive just as they were designed to.

HSP is a personality trait that is connected to the way the brain engages in sensory processing. This means that a highly sensitive person can thrive and grow in a lifestyle that accents the gift of sensitivity.

Most people who find they are highly sensitive have done this by becoming more aware of how they live life in comparison to others. Self-identifying as an HSP means that you have an inner awareness of your increased response to people, places, and things around you whether they are positive or negative. If you need support navigating this sensitivity, Huntington Beach Christian Counseling are here to help.

What it looks like to be a highly sensitive person.

Because you are highly sensitive, you experience the world differently than others. You can notice things others don’t. You are sensitive not only to words, sounds, or sights that you hear from others, but you are also awestruck when it comes to the beauty of God’s creation. You have a deep level of emotions and thoughts, which causes you to appreciate the value of being alone to rejuvenate your soul.

The characteristics of being a highly sensitive person affect you positively and negatively. They cause you to react differently because of exposure that can overwhelm your senses. Here are just a few of those behavioral characteristics.

  • Big crowds tend to overwhelm you. Not because you are shy, but because there is so much going on at once. A highly sensitive person will take on the emotions around them and this causes them to become exhausted.
  • Changes and transitions cause you to experience anxiety. You are not comfortable when you feel like you are out of control. Because of change and not being able to get everything done in your normal way, you feel a loss of confidence.
  • Criticism affects you deeply. Because you do not like to experience the negative, you will use any means to avoid criticism. People pleasing becomes your way of avoiding being criticized.
  • Changes and conditions in your body is more noticeable as an HSP. You tend to be aware of the taste of food as well as the pain of headaches in a more heightened way that others.
  • Because of all the energy it takes when you are in a chaotic place, you find that you need more downtime.
  • Many may think you are shy or an introvert because you have a hard time performing any type of task in front of others. Public speaking puts you on alert for criticizing yourself. As an HSP you do not want to be criticized, so you feel like you will fail when you perform in public.
  • Medication, caffeine, and pain are a few things to which you are highly reactive You may have to take less medication than others because your body reacts differently to the dosage that most people can take. Caffeine is much the same.
  • Because you notice so much more around you than others, you tend to overthink and worry about things others have not even considered.

This is not a complete list, but it is the bulk of what types of behavioral characteristics a highly sensitive person will exhibit.

The goodness of being a Highly Sensitive Person.

When you accept that you are a highly sensitive person, you can find inner peace and completeness, knowing God can use your gift of enhanced sensitivity to bring Him glory. You can use this to thrive as you relate to the escalated senses that you have. Productively using this trait means that you have come to understand how it relates to your environment.

How can I use being an HSP to help others?

Emotional Intelligence. When it comes to being highly sensitive, your emotional intuition is higher than normal. You find that you can get an internal feeling about the room you are in and the people around you.

You have a deep thought life and you hold the emotions that go with those thoughts. It is in this inner peace that you truly know the Spirit of God. As you are in tune with this you are also able to understand the spiritual need of others.

Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. – 2 Peter 1:2, NIV

Heightened Intuition. High sensitivity comes with heightened sense of intuition. This means that you will have a heightened awareness of the things around you. Because of this you find yourself aware of those around you and how they are feeling.

You step in with the support they need encouraging them to seek the hope that we don’t always see. You bring the love of God to those around you in a way that builds their faith.

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. – 2 Timothy 1:7, NIV

Emotions run deep. As a highly sensitive person, you will find that your sense of compassion and empathy runs deeper than you would like to experience sometimes. You can become engulfed with heartache for those around you.

On the other end of the spectrum, you will also find that you can be overcome with joy. This aspect of being an HSP is how you can positively impact those around you in a way that they know the truth of God’s word.

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32, NIV

Appreciation for creation. Most of the time a highly sensitive person will have a deep appreciation for the beautiful things around them. Whether it is music, art or the simple creation of the wind and leaves, you can get lost in the tranquility of seeing the beauty of God’s creation and gifts. Because of this you are able to find goodness and joy in the small things. This trait allows you to help others see the goodness of God even when they are hurting.

And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. – 2 Corinthians 9:8, NIV

Details are never hidden. A highly sensitive person will always see the things that most people miss. Because you are paying attention to everything around you, there is very little that you don’t notice.

This characteristic helps you see what is going on in your environment. You tend to make any space a safe and loving place. God designed you to see the things that others do not so you can help in ways they are not able to see.

For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints. – Proverbs 2:6-8, NIV

How do I cope with being highly sensitive?

There are many things that you can do to help you cope with your sensitivity. It doesn’t have to be a bad experience. By understanding the traits of being a highly sensitive person, you can apply those to every aspect of life in a way that will help you thrive.

Understand it as a gift. We know that God has created each of us as unique individuals. Being highly sensitive is no different than being mechanically inclined. It is a gift that can be used to help others truly see who God is and how much he loves them.

“See, I have chosen Bezalel son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, and I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with wisdom, with understanding, with knowledge and with all kinds of skills –  to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze, to cut and set stones, to work in wood, and to engage in all kinds of crafts. – Exodus 31:2-5, NIV

Honor what it is and be mindful. Take into consideration how you can see the creation of God. Because you notice the in depth beauty of the world you live in, you can share it in ways that others cannot. Give thanks that you are able to notice the beauty that many take for granted.

Give praise to the Lord, proclaim his name; make known among the nations what he has done. Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts. – Psalm 105:1-2, NIV

Rest and appreciate the time to reflect. Being highly sensitive can sometimes lead to exhaustion so it is important that you learn to rest. During these times of rest, reflect on the goodness of the gift and connect with God. Take time to hear what God is saying to you. Listen for His still, small voice of instructions for your life.

for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will perish by following their example of disobedience. – Hebrews 4:10-11, NIV

Being highly sensitive does not have to be a negative part of your life. You can thrive and live a very fulfilled life by understanding the trait and how to apply God’s Word to your life. If you feel overwhelmed and need someone to talk to you as you navigate using your sensitivity in a positive way, reach out to a Christian counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling. There are many who are willing to help you create a faith-based plan to become a thriving highly sensitive person.

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“Dandelion”, Courtesy of TanteTati, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Hand Massage”, Courtesy of andreas160578, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Woman Reading”, Courtesy of Surprising_Shots, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Laying in the Leaves”, Courtesy of DanaTentis, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

Balancing It All: Tips for Single Mom Help

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Are you looking for single mom help? As mothers, it can be easy to scrutinize everything that we do. Our thoughts can plague us with doubts and frustrations that intrude our peace and bring us to lash out towards our kids, ourselves, and other people.

Are you worried that you are messing everything up? Do you think that if you had a sense of control, you could balance it all? That sense of accomplishment and feeling at ease with your life comes down to where you put your trust and time.

Being a single mother is challenging, yet millions of women have been put into or chosen that very circumstance. Although the traditional design did not include women raising children without a male figure, there are more than fifteen million U.S. families with women as the only breadwinner and no husband or father figure in the home. If you are navigating these challenges, Huntington Beach Christian Counseling is here to offer support.

In addition, historically speaking, millions of women have lost husbands due to death or found themselves in situations where they had no choice but to be single mothers.

Tips for single mom help.

Although these tips for single mom help are designed to help you stay more mindful and in the present as you manage single motherhood, the most important aspect about changing the way you feel in and about motherhood is where you put your trust. Trust in the wrong things will lead to repetitive disappointments.

By establishing trust boundaries, you are able to dispense your time and energy into what aligns best with your values and beliefs and be built up instead of torn down.

For example, you could be waking up an hour earlier than your children to get dressed and spend some quiet time alone or exercising. This advice was given to you by the “you deserve” movement passed on through well-meaning individuals. The trouble with this advice is it can seem cut and dry, when you put in good routines and get that “me” time, you will be a better person.

Then the days happen when you haven’t had any sleep, or the kids wake up and want you “too early” and everything is ruined, or you do it all and still find yourself a wreck. The system failed, and left you right where you started: tired and frustrated.

If you don’t establish a healthy boundary about where you put your trust, no tip in the world for single mom help will help you for long. The best place to put your trust? In a place that is timeless, truthful, good, beautiful, deserving of praise, honorable, and pure.

These tips for single mom help are to help you establish healthier thinking and behavior that will impact your life and the lives of your children in a positive and lasting way. Once you’ve established healthy boundaries for your trust, the next step is to establish healthy boundaries about how you spend your time. The following collection of tips for a single mom have that in common. Spending your time in these areas just ten minutes a day can build lasting impact.

Spend your time with wise people.

You don’t have to socialize without the kids (though I agree, it does provide a different experience that many crave), in order to take advantage of this tip. Keeping yourself connected with a community that focuses on building you up, providing practical help in times of need, and encouraging your trust boundaries will help you and your family thrive.

When you do bring your children along, they benefit from seeing you model healthy relationships and learn which people are going to be positive for them to socialize with.

Stay connected with these individuals daily, weekly, monthly, and annually. Set regular times to connect both in person and through phone or writing. You won’t do everything the same as the people in the community, but you can take advantage of learning from those who have gone ahead of you and being encouraged to continue on by those who are in the thick of it with you.

Search for diversity in the group (different life stages), but there’s no set number or variation for ultimate benefit from this tip. Just one or two women who are similar to you can help just as much as a group of twelve women who have been there and done that and found a good path.

Practice good stewardship and humility.

Being a single mother means living through hectic moments, sometimes daily chaotic events. If you have a special needs child or a few young children, you might feel simultaneously as if you are doing too much, yet not enough.

Sometimes our pride or idea that there is no other option but to press on in the madness keeps us from seeing that there is another option. It’s not always. In fact, as chaos consumes, it is often the only option but to press on and survive – no other focus is possible.

So, I offer this tip as a flexible one in its timing. Please consider that while you may have opportunity to implement it more often that you think during times of distress, it is also very real that the only option is to use it as a recovery tool.

The self-care movement seems to have taken the idea of airline safety (put your mask on first) and created a place where we place our trust and come up short again and again. As a single mother, you may find very little time for yourself. That is why this tip is not self-care centered, but instead focused on being a good steward of what God has given you, including yourself and your children.

Try asking yourself:

“Can I take time to throw even the meal that I’m pressing so hard to finish (while the children are falling apart around me) straight out the window and direct my focus on helping myself and the children calm down with love?”

“Can I help myself and my children establish routines and habits of cleaning both body and possessions/space?”

“What about establishing habits of compassion and love for one another?”

“Can I humbly and lovingly admit to myself and my children that I need a moment of silence, a few deep breaths, or a walk outside (even if it means I take them along)?” Because it is likely that they need it, too – and if anything, they will at some point. It’s okay to turn the homework in late but complete, to eat cereal again for dinner, or ask your kids to put in work around the house.

This idea of good stewardship with humility does not come as an easy task because it will be challenged by all the things to be done, the ticking of the clock, the expectations of others, and by the idea that “it would just be easier if I did it.”

Your children need time to practice their skills in stewardship just as much as you do. The way that you steward your time and energy and space will model for them the very ways that they will follow.

Stay present.

We often bring our heartaches and hurts into the present by focusing on our past regrets, betrayals, or future worries. Do you find your mind wandering back to mistakes? Do you still feel bitter toward an ex? Are you wasting time reliving the life you think you might have led?

Practice mindfulness throughout the day. Mindfulness directs your mind back to the present and appreciating where you are in the moment. Of course, you must plan and prepare for the future, but don’t get so caught up that you miss what is happening now. Appreciate the present time with your children. They grow up fast, so savor their childhood.

Wiser words about this were never spoken as these in Philippians: “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”

Don’t feel like you should respond to everything.

Does it feel as if everyone wants a piece of you? Your children, boss, parents, extended family, friends, and social media compete for your attention. This is where you will need to practice trust boundaries, putting your guard up, and practicing self-discipline. Setting boundaries includes prioritizing relationships and how you spend your time.

To a single mom, the most demanding responsibility is the welfare of her children. They require focus and attention, especially if there has been a recent life event, such as divorce or the father’s death. Depending on your circumstances, your next priority may be your family outside your children, such as your parents and siblings and/or a core community group as the tip above suggested.

Putting your guard up challenges you to practice discretion in how you use your time and what you fill your mind with. Allowing yourself to be free to communicate when it is the best timing for your family (i.e. after the kids go to sleep, or not during dinner time, etc.) gives a level of chastity to the relationships and keeps you in the present moment with a singular focus.

This means, even if it’s not the best moment for your family, you can take the time to communicate that to anyone involved (i.e. “Kids, Mommy will be there in one minute – set a timer,” or a quick “Sorry, can’t talk right now” auto reply to the other person). It is up to you to set the boundaries and expectations in place and stand by them – which takes self-discipline.

Practicing self-discipline leads you to resist temptations to stop setting boundaries and let your guard down, which can lead to increased chaos and stress in your home as you try to give your attention to everyone and anything.

Take control of finances.

Most single moms find their worry and frustration stem from making ends meet and providing for their children. If you have never managed finances, now is the time to learn. It is possible to budget on a small income. Once you master the skill of sticking to a monthly budget, you may find that you have enough money to build a savings account or pay off debt.

A big thing to do with the stress around finances are the influences of envy and jealousy. Coming together with your children and learning as a family how to resist envy and jealousy, as well as nurture values of hard work over money can be a good step for you.

Finances are a personal subject, but you can find courses, workshops, and videos online that cover budgeting, savings, debt relief, and investments.

Christian counseling for single moms.

Do you need single mom help? Are you anxious, depressed, and frazzled trying to support and care for your family? Contact the Christian counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling today to schedule a session with a therapist specializing in women’s issues and single parenthood. Not only can your therapist help you with the mental health aspect of being a single parent, but they also may be able to assist you in finding local resources for support.

Photos:
“Stroll by the River”, Courtesy of Hallmackenreuther, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Sitting by the Water”, Courtesy of Surprising_Shots, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “All Together”, Courtesy of Hannah Busing, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Grocery Receipt”, Courtesy of Stevepb, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

Blessed Are the Peacemakers: Learning How to Deal with Anger  

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We’ve all had bad days. You got out of bed late because your alarm didn’t go off for some reason. Then, because your morning routine was turned upside down, you left the house quite abruptly, and not on the best terms with your spouse and kids. Traffic was especially bad (or was it your foul mood that made it feel that way?).

Then when you got to work, you were put on the spot about a project and your answer was less than satisfactory, and your colleague was more than happy to swoop in and “help you” give your boss what he needed. By the time you get home, you know it’s only a matter of time before whoever comes to you with their next request feels the impact of the wrath that’s been building up all day.

Anger can creep into our lives in both subtle and obvious ways, and if we give it full vent, it can break relationships with others. Though we may desire to walk through life at peace with ourselves and others, it seems as though circumstances conspire against us and our best intentions. Our anger is provoked, and before our hearts are settled again, the damage may have already been done, either through reckless words or actions. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you work through your anger in healthy, constructive ways to restore peace in your relationships.

What does the Bible say about managing our anger versus allowing our anger to manage us?

Anger is serious.

In dealing with anger, it is important to first recognize that while we are designed to feel, our feelings are also a part of our flesh that is born with a sinful nature. How we feel gives us important clues about what’s going on inside us, and it directs us to remedy the situation. Our sadness, joy, fear, pain, and anger, all point to certain realities around us, and they alert us to our mental state in a given situation. So, it is good to pay attention to what our emotions are telling us.

This is where discernment and self-control come into play. While they are good advisors, feelings make for terrible commanders. In other words, our emotions are an important part of us that we need to pay attention to for the sake of our emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health, but it’s dangerous to be led by them.

Having self-control, which includes control over our emotions, thoughts, and actions, allows us to make considered choices. Having discernment allows us to utilize the self-control in the most wise way. There are many warnings in the Bible about anger and what can result if we are led by that powerful emotion. Consider a few examples.

Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than to conquer a city. – Proverbs 16:32

Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly. – Proverbs 14:29

A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention. – Proverbs 15:18

Therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold…Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. – Ephesians 4:25-27, 31

But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. – Colossians 3:8

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. – James 1:19-21

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity, and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions, and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. – Galatians 5:19-21

These Scriptures, among many others, remind us just how seriously we are called to take anger, and how carefully we should examine our anger to determine if it is righteous or sinful. Instead of looking at anger as just another emotion that we can indulge without consequences, these verses remind us that there is a cost to it. For the person that’s chosen to follow God, a life marked by anger is something to be avoided.

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. – Proverbs 29:11

Watch the red flags.

Anger can alert us to the fact that something is not right in our world. We get angry when we experience personal injustice, feel frustrated or threatened or attacked, or when we witness injustice in the world around us. That anger can move us to act in ways that bring positive change in the world.

Anger has a place and serves a purpose, but even what you might consider “righteous anger” can become such a predominant emotion in your life that it becomes problematic and leaves room for God’s command to love others. That’s why it’s important to learn to recognize it and detect if anger issues are in your life.

You may be said to have “anger issues” when sinful anger has a hold on you and has made a huge impact on your life. For example, if relationships have ended or you have regrets in your relationships because of things said and done in anger, it may signal that you have anger issues.

Are you angry most of the time? Do you get angry quickly and find yourself easily going overboard in your anger? If so, you may have anger issues. It may be easier to blame the people around you, or the circumstances you find yourself in, but at the end of the day, your anger issues are your responsibility. You will stand alone in front of God to account for all of your doings.

By paying attention to the red flags that signal anger issues, you can be better positioned to deal with anger more constructively and to regain a degree of control over it. Controlling or properly addressing any emotional issue can be done by addressing two main pillars: physical and spiritual.

Because anger issues can be related to underlying conditions such as depression, alcohol abuse, Bipolar Disorder, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, PTSD, grief, physical nutrition, and certain medications, involving a doctor or mental health professional can help set you on the road to recovery by addressing your physical needs. Involving yourself in spiritual disciplines, such as prayer, Bible study, solid teaching, and sound counsel addresses your spiritual needs for recovering from anger issues.

Bringing anger under control.

It can be frightening when you lose control, and your anger overwhelms you. But there are ways you can learn to manage your anger when you find yourself in tough situations.

You can bring anger under control by looking out for warning signs, such as a faster heartbeat, shallow breathing, or your body becoming tense, and that will give you a small gap to think about how you want to react to a given situation.

You can also buy yourself some time to think by counting to ten before you respond, or by taking yourself out of the situation for a little while. Going for a short walk or simply stepping outside the room to calm down can do you (and the people around you) a world of good.

You can start learning anger management techniques to help you control your anger, and these can help you either in the moment, or they can provide you with the capacity to deal with anger before it even becomes a thing.

Such techniques include breathing or mindfulness, exercising, directing your anger and energy toward something like ripping up a piece of paper, or even taking a cold shower are all ways you can begin to bring your anger under control.

In the long term, you can pay attention to your thought patterns, taking the time to break down harmful or unhelpful patterns of thought, and learning new ways to think and act. One therapeutic technique that therapists will use to accomplish this is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

Something important to be aware of is what your triggers are, which can help you know ahead of time what situations are likely to stir up your anger, and the possible responses you can put in place in advance to choose a healthier alternative action. You can also improve your communication skills so that you can communicate your anger in a clear, assertive, and respectful way.

If others understand you and why you’re angry, it can go a long way toward helping you express yourself and what you’re feeling without losing important relationships.

By taking care of your body through good nutrition, exercise, avoiding alcohol and drugs, getting good sleep, and by picking up skills to learn to cope better under pressure, you can help yourself to become more resilient and better equipped to deal with situations that can otherwise prove emotionally overwhelming. If you need support in building resilience, Christian Counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling are available to guide you in creating lasting emotional well-being.

A trained therapist can walk with you on this journey, and you can pursue your efforts towards peace in the power of the Spirit. Paul writes in Galatians 5:22-25 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things, there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.”

Photos:
“Dove in Flight”, Courtesy of Sunyu, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Fist of Fury”, Courtesy of PublicDomainPictures, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Stressed”, Courtesy of Simran Sood, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Sitting on the Grass”, Courtesy of Guilherme Stecanella,, Unsplash.com, CC0 License