Christian Divorce: Four Considerations

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Even though divorce is a common occurrence in our society, many Christians who are in unhappy marriages find it to be morally troubling. Do they continue to have an unhappily married couple for the sake of a vow or covenant? Or do they take a contrary course of action and file for divorce? Christians may feel stuck between no longer feeling committed to an unsalvageable marriage and being unable to move forward with a new life due to the stark choices. Scripture makes it clear time and time again that marriage is a lifetime commitment. Jesus said of the marriage between a man and a woman, “They are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, let nothing be divided that God has joined together” (Matthew 19:6, NIV).

 

Concerning divorce, Christians have the following questions:

  • Do Christians who divorce sin?
  • Do they send themselves to hell by doing this?
  • Do they have to endure an unloving, unhealthy union?
  • Do Christians have any exceptions to the prohibition against divorce?

Some of these challenging questions do not have clear solutions; there is still tension. Only the most extreme circumstances allow for the end of a marriage.

Sometimes the best a Christian can do when faced with a marriage that may be beyond saving is to look for God’s direction in the Bible, consult with reliable friends who are familiar with the circumstances and pray together for the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Divorce: What the Bible says

First, let’s think about what the Bible says. The only divorce-related law in the Old Testament is found in Deuteronomy. Here, a law allowing divorce is given to the Israelites. If a man feels that his wife “does not please him” and “she is free to marry another man,” he may write her a “document of divorce.” (Deuteronomy 24:1-2, NIV).

Many theologians agree that this law was given as a means of protection to people who are in a situation that deals with divorce and/or remarriage. Opinions vary about whether this law was intended to justify divorce and/or remarriage.

In the New Testament, Jesus first presents a more complex answer to this query. “Is it legal for a man to divorce his wife for any reason?” the Pharisees inquire to Jesus in Matthew 19:3. This verse is preceded by the phrase, “The Pharisees came and tried to trap [Jesus] him,” by asking Jesus to give a clear-cut response that would reveal His position on the divorce law that Moses provided in Deuteronomy. But Jesus is aware of their intentions and hardened hearts.

Jesus quotes Genesis rather than responding to their query and adds, “Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Jesus uses this as an opportunity to elaborate on the law of Moses and explain why divorce is not what God intended as the Pharisees’ questions continued.

Jesus says, “Divorce was not what God had originally intended; Moses only permitted it as a concession to your hard hearts. Anyone who gets a divorce and gets remarried is an adulterer. Jesus said that God’s standard is higher than the law and that God intends that there should never be a divorce.

The situation here is comparable to Peter’s inquiry about forgiveness to Jesus in Matthew 18. “How many times should I forgive,” wondered Peter, “seven?” However, Peter wasn’t seeking an answer like the Pharisees. Jesus recognized his attempt to elevate himself and saw right through it. In response, Jesus said that God’s standard would be to pardon someone seventy-seven times.

This is a real-life illustration of what Jesus demands of us. He doesn’t want a resentful heart. He opposes our checking the box. He wants us to exert every effort to find Him. We are to pursue Him with a sincere heart that is a sacrifice to Him.

Four things to consider about Christian divorce

We shouldn’t file for divorce just because our marriages aren’t giving us everything we want. No one can meet our lofty expectations because they are so high. You can become disappointed in your partner because they’re not as romantic, ambitious, spiritual, or handy as you would like them to be, and you become disappointed because you see someone else who is.

It is easy to become contemptuous or critical or disappointed rather than being grateful and appreciative of what you already have, but a disappointing or challenging marriage is no grounds for divorce, but rather for faithfulness.

Christian divorce is neither encouraged nor promoted by the Christian faith. It does not lightly or casually accept divorce, but in some cases, it does permit it. A hint of why this is can be found in the creation metaphor of “becoming one flesh.” God wants a married couple to grow spiritually, emotionally, and physically close to the point where they are “one flesh.”

The four “A’s” – Adultery, Addiction, Abuse, and Abandonment – are the most frequent causes of broken marriages, though only two of them are biblical grounds for Christian divorce.

 

1. Adultery

One breakdown that Jesus specifically mentions is adultery. Marriages have been destroyed by infidelity throughout history. Adultery strikes right at the heart of the marriage covenant and so, while it does not require divorce, it at least grounds for it.

2. Addiction

Addiction will engulf everything in its path if treatment is not received. The drug or alcohol addict puts their addiction before their marriage, kids, and job. While this may be a cause for temporary separation to protect themselves and their children, addiction is not a biblical reason to end the marriage permanently.

3. Abuse

Most frequently, we think of physical abuse. However, it can also be verbal and emotional. Does your partner treat you differently when you’re alone than when they’re around other people? Does your partner insult, denigrate, or bully you? These are merely a handful of instances of non-physical abuse.

Sincere couples will work to address these issues because ongoing abuse can destabilize and harm a marriage. The “oneness” that God intends for marriage is violated when a spouse is repeatedly and unrepentantly harmed – physically or emotionally – and if left unattended, can result in brokenness.

Like with addiction, it may be a cause for temporary separation to protect themselves and their children. However, although abuse is a tragic and even dangerous sin, it is not clear from the Bible that it is a legitimate ground for divorce.

4. Abandonment

And finally, abandonment may result in brokenness. According to the Apostle Paul, in the case of a Christian who is abandoned by an unbelieving spouse, the Christian is not obligated to try to preserve the marriage at all costs and is free to remarry if deserted.

Regardless of the reason for divorce, a marriage can feel like an empty shell that no longer upholds God’s ideal of “oneness.” Marriage is, after all, about coming together rather than breaking apart, and was intended to be a blessing by God, but human sin frequently turns marriage into an intolerable burden. Though sin always works against God’s design for marriage, there are only two situations in which the Bible permits divorce.

Consider speaking with a Christian counselor if you are a Christian in an unsatisfactory or dangerous marriage. A Christian counselor can help you explore your options.

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28 Verses to Help Make Sense of Anger in the Bible

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The relationships you have with yourself, others, and events that take place all impact your emotions. Human beings are designed with the capacity to feel, and you are often led by your emotions. This can be relatively harmless, but depending on the emotion and its intensity, your life can be derailed by emotive decision-making. That’s not a strike against emotions – they are a vital part of who you are as a being made in the image of God.

However, emotions, just like reason, should not be given free rein but must be brought under the authority of God’s Word. For example, the Bible warns of the dangers of holding onto emotions such as anger because they can negatively affect your heart and your relationships with people around you.

If someone breaks into your car, or a colleague takes credit for your idea, or your child defies you, or you find out that your spouse has been unfaithful, it can provoke anger. Even if your anger is appropriate, what you do with it matters. You need to be able to feel what you feel while not being controlled by it, letting it get out of hand, or leading you into bad decisions – in short, without letting it become anger that leads you to sin.

The Bible has many stories, aphorisms, and warnings about sinning in anger and what can happen if you give in to it. While giving full vent to your anger might feel empowering in the moment, in its wake you may regret the broken relationships or even violence (which has legal and other consequences).

And while many things ought to stir our anger and move you toward appropriate action, chances are your anger is far too often directed toward things that are best categorized as inconveniences, such as bad traffic or long lines at the grocery store, eye rolls and an upset tone. In such situations, it is appropriate to ask yourself whether your angry reaction is helpful and appropriate, or whether it is sin.

Anger in the Bible.

Below are some verses about anger in the Bible from both the Old and New Testaments to help you reflect on your anger and learn a few ways to bring that anger under control. One important point to make beforehand is that there are many instances in which people struggle with anger to the point where they have anger issues.

There are many causes of anger issues, and while all are within the control of the person, not all of them are equally easy to deal with. While this calls for a bit of sensitivity when responding to other people’s anger issues, the Bible makes clear that being controlled by anger is always a sin. “The fruit of the Spirit is…self-control…” (Galatians 5:22-23).

God’s anger vs. our own.

God is a righteous judge, a God who is angry at evil every single day. – Psalm 7:11

Looking around at them with anger, deeply grieved at their unyielding hearts, he said to the man, ‘Stretch out your hand.’ So, he did, and his hand was made healthy. – Mark 3:5

But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. – Psalm 86:15

The Lord responded, ‘Is your anger a good thing?’ – Jonah 4:4

These verses make it plain that God does get angry, but what angers God is evil. The last verse is found in the book of Jonah. The prophet was angry with God because was gracious to the Ninevites when they turned from their evil ways and repented.

Jonah had hoped God would destroy the Ninevites and became angry because of God’s graciousness. God asks Jonah if his anger towards the people of Nineveh was justified. Be careful to allow the Lord to tell you if your anger is justified or not.

Anger has consequences.

People with a hot temper do foolish things; wiser people remain calm. – Proverbs 14:17

But I promise you that if you are angry with someone, you will have to stand trial. If you call someone a fool, you will be taken to court. And if you say that someone is worthless, you will be in danger of the fires of hell. – Matthew 5:22

A man of wrath stirs up strife, and a man given to anger causes much transgression – Proverbs 29:22

Don’t give in to worry or anger; it only leads to trouble. – Psalm 37:8

Keep your temper under control; it is foolish to harbor a grudge. – Ecclesiastes 7:9

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. – Proverbs 15:1

Because churning milk makes curds, squeezing the nose brings blood, and stirring up anger produces strife. – Proverbs 30:33

Violent people entice their neighbors and walk them down a path that isn’t good. – Proverbs 16:29

Everyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that murderers don’t have eternal life residing in them. – 1 John 3:15

As with all other emotions, what you do when under the influence of anger matters. Not only does giving in to anger likely lead to more anger and strife, but it can lead you toward a poor standing before the Lord. This is a sober warning for  God’s people to not let your anger devolve into a deep grudge or hatred.

Be careful who you associate with.

Those who control their anger have great understanding; those with a hasty temper will make mistakes. – Proverbs 14:29

Insightful people restrain their anger; their glory is to ignore an offense. – Proverbs 19:11

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man quietly holds it back – Proverbs 29:11

Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered. – Proverbs 22:24

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. – James 4:1-2

Hotheads stir up conflict, but patient people calm down strife. – Proverbs 15:18

The Bible calls those who give full vent to their anger “fools.” When you read the word “fool,” it would be a mistake to think of someone who merely makes bad decisions. Rather, the book of Proverbs takes great pains to show the fool to be the one who refuses to live their life according to God’s commandments. The fool, in other words, is a sinner.

Who you hang out with matters. Your friends have an influence over you, and you can easily absorb and replicate unhealthy behaviors such as giving full vent to your anger. If you want to learn wisdom, hang out with wise people. Don’t hang out with fools who let their anger get the better of them. This is especially true if you think you’ll be their friend so that they will be won over to Christ by the light you share-it doesn’t work like that.

Instead of anger, cultivate positive emotions and actions.

If you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin, and do not stay angry all day. – Ephesians 4:26

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say. – Ephesians 4:29

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. – James 1:19-20

Therefore, I want men to pray everywhere by lifting up hands that are holy, without anger or argument. – 1 Timothy 2:8

Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings of any sort. – Ephesians 4:31

But now set aside these things, such as anger, rage, malice, slander, and obscene language. – Colossians 3:8

Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man. – Proverbs 22:24

As for parents, don’t provoke your children to anger, but raise them with discipline and instruction about the Lord. – Ephesians 6:4

Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Against such things, there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. – Galatians 5:19-26

Anger is such a powerful emotion that it’s not enough to simply refrain from unleashing it. God doesn’t ask you not to be angry. Instead, you  can cultivate other actions and attitudes to help yourself react in more productive ways. As the last verse indicates, this isn’t something you do by yourself, but you are to be guided by the Holy Spirit. Spiritual formation is a lifelong pursuit that takes place in community with others.

Conclusion

If you’re looking for additional support beyond these verses about anger in the Bible, Christian counseling can help. If you struggle with anger and your life and relationships have been negatively affected by anger, seek help from a mental health professional such as an anger management therapist. They will help you understand not only the roots of your anger but give you guidance in developing tools to curb your anger and keep it in check.

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3 Stories of Worry in the Bible to Remind You that You Are Not Alone

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Depending on your season of life, worry may come and go. If you are facing a life-altering decision, you may worry that you’ll make the wrong choice. When parents have children, they might worry about their children’s lives and how they will turn out. No matter where you are today, it can be encouraging to know that we have somewhere to look when we are struggling with worry. There are many stories of worry in the Bible, and in this article, we will examine three of them: Naomi, Martha, and Jonah.

Stories of Worry in the Bible

The stories of Naomi and Jonah are from the Old Testament, while Martha’s story is in the New Testament. We see that worry isn’t escapable across the breadth of the Bible except by turning to God.

In all three stories of worry, the answer didn’t necessarily lie in the problem being solved, the day going just as planned, or the way ahead being easy. The answer was found in the promise of a God who loves and provides for His people.

What does worry in the Bible mean?

The word worry in the New Testament is a Greek word, “merimnao,” which translates to anxiety. It is a combination of two words, merizo, which means “to divide” and nous, which means “the mind.” So when we think of worry or anxiety, we know it divides our minds.

It keeps us from being present, it can steal our joy, and it can rob us of peace. But the good news is that God has prepared a script for us – a story in each of these people’s life that shows us a way to find Him in the midst of our anxious thoughts.

Naomi’s story

Naomi expressed the pain she was feeling because of life’s hardships. She had lost both of her sons, and she was in a position where she had nothing except the two daughters-in-law who were left. She assured them they needed to return to where they were from so that they could be with their families of origin after both of their husbands died.

She said she wanted her name to be changed to Mara due to feeling embittered in her relationship with God. She knew that He had dealt her hand, so to speak, and it was less than desirable; it was marked with pain, sadness, and grief.

In addition to the loss of her sons, Naomi had no grandchildren – which could have signified a curse or, at the very least, lack of God’s blessing – and there was a widespread famine. If she wanted to blame God for her worries and woes, she certainly had reason.

Don’t we all feel that way sometimes? We think, “If only God would change this, my worries would clear up. Maybe if God takes this circumstance and makes it lighter, I will feel better about my life.”

So what happened to Naomi? What got her through the worry with which she struggled? Her daughter-in-law Ruth had faith and loyalty that spurred Naomi on toward a new place to live and the belief that something or someone could redeem the hardships she’d endured.

The end of Naomi’s story is that she did end up having a grandchild, and her daughter-in-law married a man who they discovered was actually a distant relative. They had food to eat and newfound security. Naomi’s grandson would become the father of Jesse, the father of David, who was in the family lineage of the ultimate Redeemer, Jesus.

What can we learn from Naomi’s struggle? We can learn to lean on others’ faith when we are struggling with our own.

There will be times in life when your friends and family members, a church service, or a pastor may need to call you from your worry and show you what God can do. Let them. When we try to hide our fears or worries from others, it doesn’t help us, and it does not allow the love of God to flow through them to our hearts.

To read more about Naomi’s story of worry in the Bible, and the redemptive ending, go to the book of Ruth.

Jonah’s story

The book of Jonah comes as the fifth book in a group of twelve that bear the names of minor prophets. Unlike the other minor prophets’ stories, which told about their oracles, the one about Jonah talks about his life as a man.

We can take great comfort from his struggle to decide: follow what God was leading him to do or take a more predictable and perhaps more peaceful route. Jonah’s worry could be summed up in a two-word question: What if?

  • What if I obey and something bad happens to me?
  • What if I do this thing God is asking and it angers a group of people?
  • What if I fail or chicken out at the last minute?
  • What if the place where I am going is hostile to me and rejects me?

It’s easy to let these two little words spin our minds into worry. Let’s look at Jonah’s story of worry in the Bible and how he overcame it.

In Jonah 1, when God proclaimed His love and mercy for a people that Jonah hates, the Ninevites, we can imagine how Jonah felt: betrayed, unworthy of God’s favor, and abandoned by God. Have you ever felt unworthy of God’s favor? Abandoned by God?

It’s not surprising that Jonah surrendered to his fear and hatred of the Ninevite people and ran in the opposite direction after God told him to specifically share about His love and mercy in Nineveh. Jonah boarded a ship to Tarshish, far from Nineveh, where he met some pagan sailors.

His worry was taking him away from the Lord and away from the calling God has placed on his life. As we see in this part of Jonah’s story, his worry forced him to confront his own pride.

While on the ship a great storm brewed, and the sailors recognized it as a spiritual storm. They called on Jonah, their new shipmate who happened to be sleeping at the time, and they asked him what he thought they should do. What seems like a noble instruction on Jonah’s part, to throw him overboard, was actually Jonah’s attempt of getting out of God’s call on his life for good.

But even in the act of throwing him off the boat, the sailors turned away from their own sin and placed their belief in God.

Jonah was “saved” by a whale, and this is where he should have accepted that his pride had endeared him to worry. Still, Jonah didn’t come to full repentance, he simply recognized that God had been faithful. He thanked God for sticking with him and promised he would go to Nineveh to share about God’s mercy.

Once Jonah was vomited out by the whale back onto dry land, God reminded Jonah of his promise to obey. He instructed him (again) in Jonah 3:2, “Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and call out against it the message that I tell you.”

Jonah started out on the long journey and gave a version of God’s message. However, in his version, the message missed some key points: He doesn’t mention the sinful activities for which Nineveh had come to be known, nor the way for the Ninevites to respond to God. He simply said that they will be “overturned.”

But God.

Whether it was worry or fear that caused Jonah to give halfway obedience to the prophetic call on his life, we see that God still used him. The king of Nineveh and all the people turned from their wickedness and worshiped the Lord.

What’s ironic is that Jonah’s prophetic message for this city did actually come true. They were not overturned in the sense of being destroyed (God forgave them and promised not to destroy the city when they turned to Him). No, the city was “overturned,” meaning that their hearts were transformed.

How does this relate to stories of worry in the Bible?

The book of Jonah isn’t really a story about Jonah and his worry; it’s about the source of his concern. He didn’t want to live in a world where a compassionate God would care as much about his enemies as for him. If you continue in the book of Jonah, you will find that we don’t get to see a clear resolution to his story.

The point of the story is to hold up a mirror to our worry. It can be rooted in selfishness or pride, and God in His great mercy calls us to be willing to examine the source of our worries.

Martha’s story

Martha often gets a bad rap. We remember her simply for one story when actually, she would become a dear friend to Jesus during His time on earth. But just like the other stories of worry in the Bible, we see Martha primarily as a tale of anxiety mixed with maybe a little jealousy.

When Jesus came to dine at her house with a gathering of others, Martha became frustrated with her sister, Mary, because she wasn’t helping around the house. In Luke 10:38-39, we read that Jesus was on his way somewhere when he stopped at Mary and Martha’s house, and Mary chose to sit at His feet and listen to everything He said instead of helping Martha.

On the other hand, Martha was “distracted by all the preparations that had to be made.” (Luke 10:40a, ESV) Martha is remembered primarily because she was distracted by and probably worried about how everything would get done. Have you ever been worried that not everything would get done in time?

What we learn in Martha’s story, however, is that even our to-do lists come under submission to the Lord. In His response, Jesus showed His compassion and His authority to Martha.

He first addressed Martha with what she was facing – worry. “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things.” (Luke 10:41, ESV) Here we see that Jesus’ compassion on Martha required that He help her see that her real issue wasn’t a clean house or a full table; it was worry. He invites her to recognize the destructive thought patterns to which she had succumbed.

Second, He reminded Martha of His authority. He instructed her to remember what the most important priority in life is: a relationship with God. In Luke 10:42, Jesus continued, “but few things are needed – or indeed only one.”

If you read to the end of the story, you see that Jesus addresses Martha about Mary’s inaction. But the takeaway from this story isn’t about Mary. It is that Martha recognized her worry and saw it next to the light of Christ.

What we learn from these Bible stories

As these stories may remind you, God cares about your worries. He would not have included so many stories of worry in the Bible if He were not a compassionate, loving Father. His call to you might indeed be to “cast your cares on the Lord.” (Psalm 55:22, ESV)

One excellent way to cast your cares is to take the first step toward counseling. Call our offices, so we can match you with a counselor who will listen and help you take the next step to overcome worry. The Lord has more in mind for you, and we’re here to help.

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15 Traits of a Toxic Friendship

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We all want to have that friendship that brings fullness to our lives. A friendship that encourages us to be better and live joyfully. Friendships are people who help us to navigate the difficulties of life. But there are times in this world when we find ourselves entangled in a toxic friendship.

The world is full of deceit and self-centeredness so we don’t always see the signs of toxicity until we are heart-deep in a friendship. It is harder to leave toxic friendships than it is to acquire them. Learning to see the traits lessen your chances of finding yourself engaged in a toxic friendship.

15 traits of a toxic friendship

Here are fifteen traits of a toxic friendship.

1. Their behavior toward you is abusive and belittling.

Toxic friendships often display abusive behavior. They may continuously put you down and speak critically of everything you do. They choose to use mean words and angry outbursts if they feel they cannot control your decisions. Rather than being a friend that builds you up, a toxic friend will belittle you because they are envious of what you do or have. They are a bully.

2. They are jealous of other friends and significant others.

When your friend becomes jealous of any new friends you make may be exhibiting signs of a toxic friendship. They may even try to put a wedge between you and your other friends, including any of your romantic relationships. They do not want to share you with anyone even if it keeps you from dating your future spouse. They are covetous.

3. They want you to be like them.

It’s great to have some of the same interests as your friends, but when your friend is trying to change you into what they want you to be it becomes toxic and stressful. A toxic friend doesn’t know how to embrace the things that make you who you are but instead wants to see more of themselves in you. They are controlling.

4. They want you always to be the giver.

Having good friends means that you are there for each other no matter what comes in life. The friendship is mutual in giving and taking. But with toxic friendships, you will end up giving more. They just can’t find time to help you out of a tight spot or let you borrow the car, even though you lent them yours last month. A toxic friend will take advantage of you before helping you. They are freeloaders.

5. They always cause drama.

No matter what a toxic friend will always find a way to incite drama. Whether it’s an argument with a co-worker or a lady in the grocery store who cut in line, something always keeps happening to them. They live an exaggerated life.

6. Friendships are transactional and conditional.

When your friend becomes angry or distant because you didn’t agree with them or give them something they needed that is transactional. They only want to be your friend if you give them something. When you don’t, they may give you the silent treatment and even say you are no longer their friend. They are inconsistent.

7. They continually gossip about others.

One big red flag about toxic friendships is gossip. Most of the time they will gossip and say that they only want to help them. They tend to share secrets about others and even you. They are gossipy.

8. You no longer trust them.

Having a good friend means you can trust them with your hurt. We want a friend who will maintain confidentiality with our problems. When your friend doesn’t have your best interest at heart then it can become a trust issue. You may feel that you cannot trust them to follow through with helping you. There are times when plans fail, but when it is constant it changes their reliability. They are untrustworthy.

9. It feels like you are competing with them.

There is a healthy level of competition between friends. Working out together can be a healthy competition when done in a way that is encouraging to one another. Toxic friendships bring a sense of fighting to be the best every time simply because they have put you down. They are unconfident.

10. You find yourself making excuses for their behavior.

If your friend is known for bad behavior, it could place you in a position to defend them to others. It can cause you to defend their behavior even if you know it is not proper. They are unsettling.

11. You find that you cannot be honest with them.

It is important to feel safe with our friends. When we feel like we need to hide our truths so that we do not cause our friend to be angry then we may need to evaluate the friendship. We should always be able to be comfortable around our friends. When we find that we have to keep some things hidden it could be a sign that we are in a toxic friendship. They are harsh.

12. You no longer enjoy spending time with them.

When you are relieved that plans were canceled you may want to be concerned about the friendship. Toxic friendships eventually bring a dread about spending time together. You may find yourself making an excuse to break plans. They are unhappy.

13. They pressure you into activities that you do not like.

Sadly, being pressured by friends isn’t just a thing that happens in our teen years. We can find ourselves pressured by adult friends. The difference with toxic friendships is that they want you to engage in behavior simply because they don’t want to look bad alone. They want you to be like them in all aspects of life even if it means partaking in behavior that is not appropriate. They are judgmental.

14. They do not understand boundaries.

Toxic friendships do not embrace boundaries. These friends believe they do not have to respect your boundaries because they are your “best” friend. They think there is no way that you would not include them in every aspect of your life, even if you are married. They are big-headed.

15. They are unable to apologize.

We all make mistakes. A good friend will acknowledge the mistake and apologize. A toxic friend will find a way to make you feel as though you are overreacting and that they are the true victim. They hardly see when they do anything to hurt others. Sometimes they may apologize with the addition of a “but” statement. For instance, “I apologize for making you feel dumb, but I was just kidding.” They are self-centered.

How can you fix a toxic friendship?

There are steps that you can take to change the dynamics of the friendship. Try having a conversation about the situation in hopes that your friend may want to save the relationship as well. You may have to distance yourself from your friend to determine the best course of action. Speaking with other friends can help you gain insight that you might not usually see because you are in the middle of the conversation.

There is always the possibility that you will have to walk away from the friendship. It is never easy to walk away from someone who has been in your life for any length of time. Especially if you feel that you have created a bond with that person. But when it comes to toxic friendships sometimes it is the only option. We aren’t designed to be isolated, and neither are we designed to be mistreated.

Healing from toxic relationships

Once you have decided that the only option for the friendship is to walk away you will find yourself needing time to heal emotionally and mentally. You have been in a friendship that has made you feel isolated, inadequate, and worthless.

The stress of this friendship has left you feeling like you are unable to trust other people. Take time to grieve. Learn to be okay with getting to know yourself again. Start doing the things you like without feeling guilty.

God’s word encourages us to be healthy in our friendships. He created us to be social people, but we are to be people that edify others rather than tear them down. We are to be quick to listen and slow to judge. Spend time in God’s word and begin to understand what friendship should look like.

Treat others how you want to be treated.

Do to others as you would have them do to you. – Luke 6:31, NIV

Be kind and compassionate. Show patience with each other and learn to forgive.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. – Colossians 3:12-14, NIV

Do not be centered on yourself but always value others first.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. – Philippians 2:3-4, NIV

Be quick to build up one another and encourage each other in the calling of God.

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. – 1 Thessalonians 5:11, NIV

If you feel that you need help navigating the grieving process of a friendship reach out to a Christian counselor. Many will be able to help you process this grief and heal from the emotional damage of a toxic friendship.

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What to Do About Caregiver Stress

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Many people never reach their sixties, seventies, eighties, and beyond. Others develop chronic or terminal illnesses. Some people are born with disabilities or become disabled due to an accident. In all of these cases, a caregiver is often needed. In families, one person typically fills this role, usually, a woman, who balances career and family responsibilities.The responsibility for caring for an aging or ill family member can take its toll on the health of a caregiver – physically, mentally, and emotionally. In addition, caregiver stress can lead to burnout and physical illness. Learn ways that you can ease caregiver stress.

Caregiver stress is real.

Caring for another person brings its own pressures and stress. For example, when someone else’s health is your responsibility, it can feel like a huge burden. Add other factors like financial instability, your health issues, family responsibilities, another job or career, and being the only person available to care for a loved one, and the higher your risk of caregiver stress and burnout.

The symptoms of caregiver stress include:

  • Feeling anxious and overwhelmed.
  • Feeling sad or depressed.
  • Isolating from others.
  • Sleeping too much or too little.
  • Eating too much or too little.
  • Rapid weight gain or loss.
  • Irritability or anger.
  • Headaches and unexplained body aches.
  • Getting sick more often.

These symptoms can lead to issues at work and home, as you may have little patience with people. The worse you feel, the more you will let your health slide, and the lower your self-esteem and confidence will drop. Now is the time to get a handle on caregiver stress.

Tips for easing it.

Caregiver stress can lead to several problems. Before your stress level gets out of hand, prepare ahead of time if you can. First, read through the tips below if your emotions are headed in that direction. Then, see what strategies you can start today to feel better. For example, can you take a fifteen-minute walk to unwind and move your muscles? Is there someone you can call and ask for help?

Ask for help from friends and family.

Your time is limited if you are the only one providing full-time care for a family member. Create a list of tasks that other people can do. You or your family members probably have friends that would love to help but are unsure what they can do. With a prepared list, you can allow them to choose how to help.

For example, these tasks could include picking up groceries and medications, doing light housecleaning, or transporting your loved one to an appointment. In addition, there may be someone who loves your family member as much as you do who would be willing to visit for a few hours while you run personal errands.

Work on your health.

When we devote our time and attention to caregiving and doctor appointments, we often miss our own screenings. We cut out exercise and grab quick meals on the go when our time is tight, But when we take these shortcuts for too long, eventually, they catch up with us.

Your health is as essential as the health of your family member. You are the person that keeps the balls in the air. Take the time to exercise and plan healthy meals. Ask a nutritionist about quick ways to prep meals for the week. This is something you may be able to do once a week while your family member naps or while someone is visiting the home.

Schedule your annual screenings during your birth month to make them easier to remember, then ask others to fill your role as a caregiver on those days. As long as you give plenty of notice, you will be surprised at how many people will be willing to lend a hand.

Establish a routine.

Establish daily and weekly routines for yourself and your loved one to ease caregiver stress. For example, your weekly routine could include grocery and medication pickup or delivery on Mondays, errands on Tuesdays, and deeper housecleaning tasks on Wednesdays. Having a weekly routine of when you do things will enable you to schedule help when needed. It also gives you a sense of relief knowing that a task will get done on a specific day.

You can split daily routines into morning, afternoon, evening, and bedtime. Every family’s routine will be different depending on your needs and situation. For example, you might spend a few minutes in the morning making breakfast and unloading the dishwasher to fill it with dirty dishes throughout the day. Your afternoon routine may be to clean your family member’s bedroom before they watch a favorite movie or television show. Get creative about what needs to get done and when.

Find a support group.

You can find support groups for just about any illness or disability. A support group is an excellent resource for learning more about a specific condition and how to manage its symptoms. In addition, you can meet other caregivers in the same situation. For example, if your loved one has dementia, you can find a local support group whose members have loved ones with the disease. These people can offer guidance on what to expect and how to handle scary situations and provide names and numbers of organizations you can turn to for memory care services.

If you are looking for a broader group, research caregiver support groups in your area or online. You can find caregiver groups that closely match your situation, such as groups for female caregivers who work outside the home or for male caregivers of ill or disabled spouses.

Use caregiver resources.

Caregiver resources are available, although you may need to look online or check with your local Area Agency on Aging office. Your loved one’s doctor may also know of organizations that can help you.

Respite care is valuable when you need a break to take care of personal errands or a day off. Respite care is available at home or a facility if your loved one is currently staying elsewhere. Adult daycare centers are open during the day and offer adult programs to keep them entertained, socializing with others, and mentally stimulated.

If you are taking some time off of caregiving for a much-needed vacation, you may be able to locate a nursing home or assisted living facility that provides short-term care. These facilities will house and care for your loved one for a few days to a month or so, depending on how long you plan to be gone. They are a more expensive option; however, your loved one is cared for in all areas, including having a medically-trained staff present.

Take leave if you need it.

If you work for a company full-time and fulfill the role of caregiver for a loved one, you may be eligible for a short-term paid or unpaid leave. Each company is different, and you must check with the Human Resources Department for qualified programs. If you are experiencing caregiver stress and concerned about its effects on your health, ask about leave.

Many companies offer FMLA (Family and Medical Leave Act). FMLA allows you to take up to twelve weeks off from work without losing your position. It is an unpaid leave, so you will want to have another option for income during this time.

In addition, some people pay into a separate account for emergencies like illness, maternity leave, and caregiving. If you know ahead of time about your loved one’s condition, you may be able to open one of these savings accounts and ask about FMLA at your company.

Are you experiencing caregiver stress?

Being a caregiver to a family member is one of the most demanding jobs. If you work a job (either outside the home or from home), care for a family, and have other responsibilities, it may feel like you are slowly losing your mind.

You may be experiencing caregiver stress symptoms. Contact our office today to schedule an appointment with a therapist. Your therapist will specialize in caregiver support and aging and geriatric issues. Call us today.

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What Depression Feels Like: Triggers and Treatment

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If you have a loved one that struggles with depression, it’s important to offer the empathy and support that they need. Knowing what depression feels like can help you build that empathy and help you understand why they need ongoing support.

Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) is a mood disorder that affects how a person thinks, feels, and acts. Most people label this disorder as “depression.” However, MDD is more than a depressed mood and can often be made up of multiple episodes of depression. For the sake of this article, we will refer to depressive episodes as depression.

Having a depressive episode is like a persistent and deep form of sadness that won’t lift even if circumstances change. Depression often affects how a person sees themselves and the world around them. Some of these effects can severely undermine their working and personal relationships.

What Are the Causes and Triggers of Depression?

Briefly, we need to consider what can trigger and cause depression. Grasping this is important to help you understand that depression isn’t a choice that anyone makes, nor is it something that they can simply stop feeling.

Depression symptoms can return or appear when they are triggered by psychological, physical, or emotional events. Some of the more common triggers of depression include experiencing a medical crisis, stressors such as the loss of a loved one or family conflict, and interrupted depression treatment that causes a recurrence of depression symptoms. Many of these triggers are unavoidable and difficult to anticipate.

Doctors don’t fully understand what causes depression, but there are several possible causes that have been suggested, and these include biological, hereditary, and environmental causes. Some of the common causes of depression are:

Your genetic inheritance and family history. If you have family members with a history of depression, there’s a likelihood of developing depression or another type of mood disorder.

Brain structure and chemistry. A frontal lobe that’s less active than normal may result in a greater risk of depression. It’s not entirely certain if this change occurs prior to the onset of depression or as a result of it. A chemical imbalance in the parts of the brain that affect one’s thoughts, mood, and behavior may increase the risk of depression.

Life experiences. These include childhood trauma, chronic illness, and substance abuse. These experiences can increase your risk of developing depression.

What Depression Feels Like

There are some symptoms and experiences of depression that are typical for most people, such as feelings of sadness and loss of interest in and enjoyment of tasks that were previously enjoyable. To diagnose someone with MDD, a mental health professional will look to see if certain symptoms are present for at least two weeks.

Some of these symptoms include the following:

  • Poor concentration
  • Feelings of excessive guilt or low self-worth
  • Significant changes in appetite
  • Fatigue or low levels of energy
  • Disrupted sleep
  • Feeling hopeless about the future
  • Having thoughts about death or suicide

When a person is having a depressive episode, they will experience significant challenges in important areas of their daily functioning such as at school, work, and in their relationships.

What Depression Feels Like in Men

For different groups of people, there are some typical experiences of depression and ways it will manifest. Men, for instance, may feel overwhelmed by depression. This will often result in a greater likelihood of drinking alcohol in excess, engaging in risk-taking behavior, and/or displays of anger.

Males will also find themselves isolating themselves by avoiding family and social situations and burying themselves in their work. This may cause strain in relationships. With fraying tempers, males may begin to display controlling and abusive behaviors that weren’t present in the relationship before the depression.

Additionally, men will often find themselves feeling angrier, more aggressive, irritable, anxious, and more restless than usual. They will find themselves unable to concentrate or make decisions and complete tasks. This may look like failing to meet work deadlines or remembering to pay bills.

A man with depression may feel tired easily and find himself having headaches, digestive problems, and other unexplained pains. At night, he may find himself not sleeping well throughout the night or sleeping excessively. Poor sleep may make him more irritable and less able to regulate his emotional responses to the people around him.

Men with depression may find themselves losing interest and having little enjoyment of things they used to consider pleasurable activities, and that may include having a reduced sexual desire or experiencing a decline in sexual performance. They may find themselves feeling empty, hopeless, or sad, and having thoughts of suicide.

These experiences may be frustrating to the people in the life of a man who is struggling with a depressive episode, as he may not have the energy to play with his kids or enjoy time with them. The negative effects of depressive episodes on his cognitive abilities, such as delayed responses during conversations, may make talking to him a more involved process than usual.

What Depression Feels Like in Women

Females struggling with depression may find their moods affected. They may have increased irritability and feelings of sadness, anxiety, emptiness, and hopelessness. Their sleep will also be affected and deviate widely from what is considered normal, and they may find themselves losing interest in activities and withdrawing from social engagements.

Physically, females with depression may have decreased energy, increased fatigue, significant changes in appetite, changes in weight, pain, headaches, or increased cramping.

Mentally, women in the midst of a depressive episode can have decreased cognitive abilities. Their thinking will be affected so they process and talk slower than usual. Women with depression may also have suicidal ideation or thoughts and possibly take action against them.

Depression in Children, Teens, and Young Adults

Children with depression may cry more than usual and experience low levels of energy. This will often result in challenges in doing their school work and a decrease in enjoyment of social activities. They may become clingy and refuse to go to school or get into trouble at school.

Because younger children don’t typically have the vocabulary and emotional intelligence to name their feelings and express them in words, they may express their frustration in their behaviors such as vocal outbursts, anger outbursts, and defiant behavior.

Children enduring a depressive episode may also have times where their energy seems to fluctuate significantly and inability to attend to things typical for their age. Sometimes they may have thoughts of self-harm or death.

Teens and young adults who have depression may struggle to maintain social activities and/or lose interest in activities. This can lead to withdrawing from their friends and family.

Some teens and young adults continue to keep up an appearance of happiness during a depressive episode but are quick to withdraw and avoid deep/meaningful conversations. Cognitive difficulties may cause them to struggle to concentrate on their schoolwork, and they may find themselves feeling guilty, helpless, and/or worthless.

All these physical, emotional, and mental changes that occur during a depressive episode affect how he or she relates to others. People experiencing depression are not their typical selves. They can’t simply snap out of it and make things go back to normal during a depressive episode. Depression will often feel like a dark, weighted blanket that descends on a person, numbing his or her experience of the world and dulling their response to and enjoyment of it.

Treating Depression

The good news about depression is that it is treatable. It may take several months for an individual to respond to treatment, and at times the treatments may need to be combined to be effective. But various treatments have proven to be effective in relieving the symptoms of depression for most people.

Those experiencing a depressive episode can practice self-care to alleviate some feelings of depression. Work toward improving one’s overall health by going to bed and waking up at the same time, using a comfortable sleeping environment, and stopping the use of electronic devices 1-2 hours prior to sleep is helpful in winding down and allowing the brain to settle. Eating a healthy diet as well as regular exercise will also elevate one’s mood and boost one’s well-being.

Community is an important aspect of support for those going through depression. Friends and family can walk alongside those going through to help alleviate symptoms of depression as well as simply walk alongside the individual while they journey toward healing and wholeness.

Face-to-face interactions with people, with the ability to discuss practical solutions, enjoy a listening ear, and/or participate in activities that allow the individual to actively engage in loving on or having fun with others are the most helpful.

These measures are just a few helpful ways to manage the symptoms of mild depression. However, they ought to be used in conjunction with checking in with a health professional like a primary care physician or a mental health counselor.

For mild and severe forms of depression, the use of psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, to address the possible triggers and causes of depression has been found to be helpful for many. It provides a neutral and supportive space for the individual to work on their healing journey. It is designed to help individuals cope with depression so that it doesn’t dictate day-to-day functioning. Some options for talk therapy include one-to-one or group counseling.

Therapists use a range of techniques such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), interpersonal therapy (IPT), and other evidence-based treatments. In conjunction with psychotherapy, someone experiencing MDD may need to consider medication to support their success in managing depressive episodes.

A doctor may prescribe medications such as antidepressants that can help treat moderate to severe depression. These antidepressants are in several classes, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs), tricyclic antidepressants, atypical antidepressants, and selective serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs).

If you or a loved one are struggling with depression, it is likely affecting your life in significant ways. If you are a Christian struggling with symptoms of depression, this includes impacting your faith. The impact of depression on the Christian can overwhelm the ability to live by faith and feel like a stumbling block. You don’t have to walk alone, because you can lean on the expertise of a Christian counselor.

There is hope for depression. Reach out today to make an appointment with a mental health professional to start your healing journey.

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Self-Improvement as a Lifestyle, Not a Resolution

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When New Year’s Day rolls around, people all over the country set resolutions for self-improvement. But unfortunately, by the end of February, many of these resolutions are thrown by the wayside, and people return to the same habits they have always had.

But self-improvement is not an event. It does not happen a few months into the year. Instead, improving yourself is a lifelong journey to be better, do better, and attract better. Making self-improvement habits stick must become a lifestyle, not an end goal.

Lasting tips for self-improvement

You have probably heard that it takes twenty-one days to form a habit; however, some research suggests that habit-forming takes longer to become a lifestyle. Read through the list of self-improvement tips and choose a few you would like to implement this year. Give yourself at least a month or two to apply a suggestion before adding a new one. Then, make embedding these habits part of your overall lifestyle for lasting change.

Create a bedtime routine.

Never underestimate the power of routines. You can have a smoother morning by using your evening as a preparation period. You may want to start your routine as soon as you come in from work. Depending on your home and family, you could quickly do your evening chores, pick your outfit for the next day, and prepare breakfast and lunch. Then, do something relaxing to help you unwind before bed that does not include digital devices.

Transition into a morning person.

Once you have laid the foundation with your bedtime routine, consider getting up a little earlier each morning. You can accomplish more in the long term if you work on your goals for a short amount of time each morning. For example, if your new self-improvement habit is to exercise more, carve out 15-30 minutes three to five mornings a week to fit it in. You can achieve anything if you buckle down and focus for this short time before everyone else wakes up.

Journal your thoughts.

Journaling and reflecting on your day serve two purposes. First, it allows you to “dump” the day’s stresses onto the page. Journaling gives you an outlet to let things go so that you can start the day (or the next day) with a clearer head. Second, journaling gives you a moment to reflect on what you have learned, who you are grateful for, and what you need to forget. It is a moment of appreciation for the life God has given you.

Listen to a podcast or audiobook.

Never before have we had access to experts at our fingertips. You do not need to rub shoulders with the greats in a particular industry to learn from them. With easy access to audiobooks and podcasts on thousands of subjects, you can learn from the best and on the go. Make it a goal to listen to at least one podcast and audiobook over thirty days. The more you listen, the more you will challenge your memory to recall details later.

Kick procrastination to the curb.

Procrastination is a time waster and is often rooted in fear, the fear of man. We are fearful of rejection and disappointment. When we cannot complete a task on time or do not know enough about a subject, we procrastinate to avoid experiencing pain or discomfort. But procrastination and fear of man will stop you from making lasting changes. When you are procrastinating on a task, give yourself a pep talk and make yourself do it. Even if it is for only five minutes, you will have rallied against the resistance. Next time, go a little longer.

Learn something new.

Is there a subject about which you have always wondered? Maybe it was a topic you did not necessarily want to study for a career, but it was an interest. Now is the time to take steps to learn about it. For example, learning a foreign language, how to play a musical instrument, or martial arts.

You are not after mastering this interest, but allow yourself to be a novice. When you lead with grace and embrace your mistakes, then you will experience freedom in doing something you love.

Acquire new skills for your career.

Acquiring new skills can make you valuable in the marketplace. The career you have chosen needs people with high-quality skills to run smoothly. What skills do you need to acquire? Do you need certifications in software programming? How are your communication skills?

Figure out what you need to learn to make you a valuable team member and an essential employee. You can find courses and certifications online in thousands of subjects. Then, use your new skills to ask for a promotion, raise, or find a new job.

Make your goal your lifestyle.

Often, we set goals, but we fail to walk the talk. We want to lose weight but stop daily at a drive-thru. We want to save money but spend every dollar. We want to earn a certification to help us attain a better job, but we spend our evenings binge-watching a series. It happens to everyone. However, you must make your goal your lifestyle. You have to make conscious decisions for your future self to do better.

Challenge yourself.

If you worry that making lifestyle changes for self-improvement are too daunting and overwhelming, use the baby-step approach. Challenge yourself to make one change for 30 days. Issue yourself a thirty-day challenge to etch a new habit into your mind. For example, if laying out your clothes the night before will save you thirty minutes in the morning, try it for thirty days. Once a new habit forms, move on to another challenge.

Declutter your environment.

Physical clutter also clutters the mind. When you surround yourself with chaos and piles of unwanted things, it becomes difficult to think clearly. A cluttered environment brings out stress and anxiety. Your sleep is disrupted, and you maydevelop insomnia. In addition, you are less likely to invite anyone to your home. Try decluttering in short periods of 10-15 minutes, so you do not become overwhelmed.

Make short to-do lists.

You can control your day, or it can control you. Decide that you will focus on what you can manage and leave the rest to God to handle. Create a short to-do list each morning (or the night before) to give you a roadmap to follow.

Prioritize the items that must get done and keep it short. Long, detailed to-do lists can lead to frustration and burnout. Next, choose the toughest task on your list to accomplish first to get it out of the way. Is it making a phone call or completing forms online? Tackle that first.

Move outside your comfort zone.

To stretch and grow, you must operate outside of your comfort zone. This is a scary place to be, and you may want a counselor to help guide you. But the best opportunities are often on the other side of that fear, way outside your comfort zone. Ask yourself what tasks make you nervous.

What action could you take, if you were not afraid, that would significantly impact your life? Pretending not to be scared may work, but enlisting the help of a licensed mental health counselor could make the process easier. Plus, it would provide needed support and encouragement.

Get help when you need it.

A part of self-improvement is recognizing and seeking help when you need it. Making choices and following through can be difficult at first, but the more you fight against the resistance to return to your old habits, the better off you will be. Reach out to our office today to schedule an appointment with a personal development counselor to make a plan to accomplish your goals and grow your skills.

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How Much Exercise is Too Much? Confronting Overexercise

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If you were to do an informal poll among medical professionals, they would likely say that many of us who form the broader public wrestle with not doing enough to be healthy and stay in shape, and we could use a bit more exercise. If we’re honest with ourselves, we’re aware of that, and we know that exercise will do us a world of good.

Exercise has many benefits, such as boosting your mood, burning calories, increasing your levels of energy, and overall leaving you feeling better about life and yourself. The benefits of exercise are widely known, though we may not always take advantage and avail ourselves of them.

There is another side to this though, which doesn’t get addressed as often, and that is the dangers of overdoing exercise. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing – too much exercise can have negative results, such as causing exhaustion, injuries, depression, and addiction that overtakes other areas of life. And so, while it’s important to get some exercise to ensure your health, knowing when you’re overdoing it and when to pull back makes sense.

How much exercise is too much?

Every person is unique when it comes to what their body can handle in terms of exercise. Depending on your age, physical history, and other factors, what you can manage in terms of exercise will vary.

Given such a wide variance between people, one of the more important pieces of wisdom regarding overexercising is to pay close attention to your body. When things aren’t going as they should, your body will tell you. With that in mind, below are a few ways you can tell when you’re taxing yourself through exercise a bit too much.

Not enough rest. When you work out, you need to give yourself time for rest and recovery. That way, your body can heal and make the most of the gains made during the workout. If you’re not having enough rest and recovery time after and between your sessions, that’s a good sign you’re overdoing it.

When you put in a good session, you may feel a little tired and sore, but you’ll also feel energized. However, if you’re feeling fatigued between and even during your sessions, that may signal that you’re overdoing it and not giving your body time to recover.

Insomnia. One of the benefits of working out is that it helps with your overall sense of well-being, and you tend to sleep well. Struggling to fall or stay asleep isn’t a problem when you’re getting the right amount of exercise because it promotes sleep, and so insomnia may signal that you’re overdoing it.

When you’re hurting your body. Whether it’s running, cycling, swimming, walking, dancing, lifting weights, or some other form of exercise, feeling a little sore after a good bit of exercise is par for the course. There is a significant difference between that good kind of soreness that shows you’ve worked hard and lingering soreness that doesn’t disappear after a day or two.

Also, you may be overdoing it if you feel sore only on one side of your body, or in one muscle group or joint in your body. If both legs run a marathon, it doesn’t make sense for only one knee to be in pain long after; that indicates you may have done some injury to yourself.

The presence of actual injuries sustained during your workouts may also suggest you’re overdoing it, especially if the injury came about because of the increased intensity of your workout. When you exercise, don’t increase intensity all at once; work up to your goals steadily over time, for example by adjusting and seeing if your body can handle it over two weeks, then increasing it in the third week.

Your body gains fat and you become more susceptible to illness. Taking in the right amount of exercise tends to help us by boosting our metabolism and immune system. However, if you overdo it, the symptoms can show up in that it’ll compromise your immune system, making you more susceptible to things like colds.

Overdoing exercise can also result in a disrupted ability to regulate the stress hormone cortisol, leading to your body holding on to fat. If you find your health deteriorating and your metabolism taking you backward, it may be that you’re overdoing your exercising.

When you lose a good balance. Exercising a lot, whether that means it occupies a large chunk of your time, or it occupies pride of place in your life, doesn’t necessarily mean you’re overdoing it. However, if you begin organizing your life around exercise, you may have a problem. This can manifest in many ways.

Some people become laser-focused, scrupulously measuring their caloric intake, and treating food simply as fuel for the next workout; they don’t enjoy their food as food. In other cases, overdoing it can look like working out when it’s inappropriate, such as when it’s snowing or raining and you insist on going out, or if you miss important life events because you must get your workout in.

You’re irregular and do too much at once. With exercise, slow and steady wins the race. Many people find working out unpleasant because they don’t do it regularly, and when they do it, they want to fit in as much of it in one shot as they can. That can make for an unpleasant and potentially dangerous workout.

If you find yourself dreading your once-in-a-while workout, it may be appropriate to ask yourself why that is. It may be that you’re doing too much all in one go, and if you find yourself in knots trying to fit different types of workouts/activities into one session, you may be overdoing it.

When your performance level drops. As slow and steady wins the race when it comes to exercise, we find that over time we get stronger, more capable, more flexible, and so on. If you’ve been working out consistently for a while, but you find your performance getting worse and not better, you may be overdoing it and not giving your body a chance to recover. Pull back a little, give yourself room to rest, and it will likely lead to a performance boost.

Focusing on one type of workout/movement. When we find something that works for us, we typically stick to it and push it to its limits. This may not be the best idea. A runner can work hard on their running, but if they don’t do proper stretching and flexibility training, their overall gains may be compromised.

Someone who focuses on strength training may do just that, leaving other areas such as flexibility or cardio-fitness languishing. A person who does yoga may be flexible, but their overall strength may need some improvement. If you find that your focus is only on one thing, you might be overdoing it and inadvertently lowering your overall performance. You need to do a mix of things to develop flexibility, strength, endurance, and cardio fitness.

What do I do if I’m overdoing it?

In general, getting the right amount of exercise is good for your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. But if any of the above-mentioned signs of overdoing it sound familiar to you, what can you do about it? As mentioned earlier, the key thing is to pay close attention to your body and heed its cues. If you’re feeling tired or sore, you may need to pull back and create rest and workout days.

When you intensify your workouts, do so in small increments and give your body time to adjust to the change before making further increments in intensity. In general, having days set aside for rest and recovery is a good idea. If you want to move during your rest days, you can still use your time and do active recovery, which may mean stretching or walking. If you only do one type of exercise, consider diversifying it to improve your overall fitness.

Injuries are common during exercise, and sometimes you may feel sore for a few days while your body heals. However, see a medical professional if you’ve injured yourself and it doesn’t seem to be getting better even with rest. Working out boosts your mood, so if you notice that your moods are being altered negatively when you work out, and afterward, talk with a mental health professional so that you can address any potential issues such as depression.

Photos:
“Workout”, Courtesy of Jonathan Borba, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Exercise Group”, Courtesy of Gabin Vallet, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Measured Fork”, Courtesy of Diana Polekhina, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Keep Climbing”, Courtesy of Bruno Nascimento, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

How to Overcome Fear: 21 Ways to Be Fearless

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Fear is an adrenaline rush that people pay both big money to enjoy and big money to avoid. From theme parks to intensive sports, to night lights and security guards, experiencing fear is something most people have a love-hate relationship with. In this article, we’ll look at how to overcome fear with 21 ways to be fearless.

When it comes to how to overcome fear, our ability to become fearless and manage our fears comes down to the type of fear. Is it a real fear—one that is something that is right to fear and happening in the present time? Or is it a pretend fear? Pretend fears are those that center around something unknown in the future, around a possible repetition of the past, or other fictional beliefs (i.e. monsters under the bed).

While real fears are inevitable, it can be easier to manage these fears. Pretend fears, on the other hand, can run wild and free without any care for reality. Either way, when your amygdala (the “feelings” part of the brain) engages, it can be difficult to manage whatever emotion it is because when the amygdala is activated enough, our prefrontal cortex (the “thinking” part of the brain) shuts off.

21 ways to be fearless.

I’ve been working with clients for over ten years on how to overcome fear and become fearless in the face of their worries and anxieties. Here are 21 ways to be fearless and help tackle anxiety without medication:

1. Accept fear as a part of you.

Like Sarah E. Ball (The Courage, 2019) says when writing about why we can’t just pray anxiety away, “We all feel anxious from time to time. We would be inhuman if we didn’t. But when we begin to fear the fear and do everything in our lives to avoid feeling it, we perpetuate a vicious cycle of fear.”

It’s important to understand that feeling fearless 100% of the time is likely impossible, and in fact, something you do not want. Fear keeps us alive, and often some of the greatest danger we can find ourselves in is when fear is totally absent.

2. Establish habits of routinely questioning your fear.

If you have a habit of engaging with worry, you’ll have to put in the work to consciously interrupt that habit and replace it. Put your worries to the test and find evidence that they may not be valid. Don’t just take it for granted. Connect with wise counsel and keep those fears accountable to reason.

3. Challenge it with Dr. Amen’s one simple question.

If you haven’t discovered ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) and Dr. Amen’s work in helping people overcome their negative thinking, it can be summed up by two sentences: Everyone has automatic negative thoughts of different types. These automatic negative thoughts can be challenged and decrease over time.

Dr. Amen makes it so simple, he wrote a children’s book on the matter: Captain Snout and the Super Power Questions. One of his super questions is to ask yourself, “Am I 100% certain this thought is true?” If you’re not 100% certain, there’s the possibility for something less scary—and that can go a long way in helping you calm down.

4. Get to know fear from a biblical perspective.

What does the Bible say about fear? Does God give advice on how to overcome fear? You can be sure that He keeps His promise of providing wisdom to those who are asking for it! Being anxious is a part of being human, but God’s Word shines a light on it that allows us to put fear in its place.

You can start by reading the full passage of a famously quoted verse in Philippians 4:6: “Do not be anxious about anything . . . .” You’ll find some helpful to-do’s that have inspired some of this list!

5. Know the difference between real fear vs. fictional fear.

Just as I outlined above, different fears can have different levels of intensity. When you are facing a really scary situation (like someone’s health being jeopardized), reaching out for support becomes easier. There are time frames that naturally fall into place for the most part, and there are boundaries that contain the fear to the specific situation.

When fears cross over to the fictional sense, say after a scary event you question whether it will happen again every day, the support is more difficult to find because it’s all in your head. These fictional fears have no boundaries and can do more damage. Worries that are made up need to be addressed differently.

6. Get to know who God is.

Knowing who God is in the face of anxieties can put it into perspective. When you have a right view of God, your fears can often be influenced in a way that makes them easier to manage. It’s like the soldiers against Goliath. Their view of God wasn’t even on their mind—they took a look at Goliath and then looked at themselves and the math wasn’t on their side.

Then David shows up and sees who God is in the situation and rests His mind on that and that alone. Then, without any armor or a big weapon to defend himself, David steps up to face the fears of everyone there.

7. Remember what God has done.

Number 7 on the list of 21 ways to be fearless is to look back and account for how God has shown up in your life. God set dates and rituals in the lives of the Israelites not because He wanted religion to run their lives, but because He knew it would be important for them to set aside time to remember what He did for them so that they would be stirred up to follow Him and find the strength and peace to do so. Our minds can often be set at ease when we look back on certain things we overlook when our worries take over.

8. Recount God’s attributes.

Knowing who God is can put our worries into perspective and our nerves at ease. If you’re finding your mind wandering often to places that question God’s goodness, diving deep into His attributes and reflecting on them often is a way to challenge those thoughts. The Bible doesn’t just tell us who God is, it tells us example after example of how and why He is good, will take care of His children, is trustworthy, and is with us when we are afraid.

9. Get counsel.

Finding wise counsel is a game changer. Let’s start with what wise counsel is not: it isn’t running to multiple people and telling all; it isn’t going to someone because they have the same opinion on the matter as you, and it isn’t posting on social media. Wise counsel is finding someone who is likely older than you and who will point you back to Jesus and the Bible.

10. Connect with support.

While wise counsel has a mission to gain instruction, support is something different. Support is what you can access at times of need to lean on during the worst of it or celebrate during the best. Support looks like the people you’ve got on a prayer thread, the church you attend, and the people who bring you a coffee or a meal on any given day. This doesn’t mean you can’t find counsel and support in the same person, however.

11. Memorize Scripture .

Another practical tip for how to overcome fear is to fill your mind with solid truth that can be used by your brain automatically once you’ve memorized it. Your brain is running on autopilot, but you can change the route and destination. When fear strikes or your heart starts to race, consider reaching for a favorite verse to recite over and over again until the feeling changes and your heart calms.

12. Pray Scripture.

A beautiful way to find words for your prayers when you’re simply too overwhelmed by your fears and stress is by opening the Psalms and praying through them. Personalize whatever Scripture you are reading as a prayer to God, asking for what He is promising to you and expressing gratitude for who He is.

13. Make a list of Philippians 4:8.

Philippians is one of my favorite books to go through in a time of need. God doesn’t tell you to simply stop feeling fear or anxiety, He gives you ways to be fearless.

Philippians 4:8 instructs us to direct our thoughts to Him and dwell on “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise.” Sound familiar? Dwelling on the positive takes work, but it is timeless advice for any circumstance.

14. Get some prayer warriors to help you lift your burdens up.

When you’re struggling with fear and overwhelmed by worries, don’t be afraid to reach out for support. Don’t have a church group? Are you the only Christian you know? Ministries like Christian radio and Focus on the Family have prayer lines open for you. Prayer is the most powerful support you can get.

15. Hold a hand.

Physical touch creates a ripple effect on your nervous system. A firm hand hold or hug can help your body know it’s safe and start to relax. If no one is around, try tensing and releasing your body one part at a time from your head to your toes, taking deep breaths as you go.

16. Minimize responsibilities for the moment.

Feeling anxious can create chaos in your brain. As the amygdala takes over, your prefrontal cortex can be challenged with getting its job done. This leaves you feeling disorganized, with difficulty concentrating, and with little ability to process information well. In other words, your normal super abilities to multitask and keep the house or office running aren’t functioning properly, so it’s a good idea to put a halt on the to-dos.

17. Hold off on making big decisions.

When your brain is on overload, it will process everything and anything as a potential threat. If you don’t have to make big decisions, hold off. If you have to make big decisions, get some wise counsel and take some deep breaths while you try and figure it out. This will minimize any rash or poor judgment that can lead to more problems later.

18. Prioritize the basics.

When you are caught in a cycle of thoughts that keep you afraid, prioritizing the basics is another tip for how to overcome fear. By prioritizing the basics, you’re sending signals to your body to reduce fight or flight mode. Making sure you eat, rest, and drink water will help you have what it takes to keep going—especially in light of a genuinely scary situation.

19. Face it anyway.

Facing your fears can be a daunting task, but it’s one of the best ways to ensure that the fears won’t run your life forever. Studies show that avoiding your fears can help them grow bigger, reinforcing that you need to feel afraid and taking away from your ability to function.

20. Prayer with thanksgiving.

It’s no secret that practicing gratitude improves your mental health. Finding something to be grateful for is a great way to balance your emotions and reduce your fears. Anxiety can be overwhelming at times. Praying with thanksgiving isn’t about ignoring your worries, it’s about acknowledging them and the good that is still there simultaneously.

21. Keep going.

Yes, keep going. Becoming fearless is a journey that will lead you to face your fears and press on with life. Feeling fear doesn’t mean that you need to base your behavior on it. In fact, when the circumstances allow for it, pressing on instead of giving into your fears can be exactly the thing that will help you and give you the courage to do it all over again.

Learning how to overcome fear using these 21 ways to be fearless is just the tip of the iceberg. Some of these may work at times but seem ineffective later. The tools you need to face the very real fears and anxieties that plague you, your family, and your friends are available—but they are specific to you and your circumstances. I encourage you to find wise counsel and connect with another therapist or me near you to find what will work for you.

Photos:
“Rickety Bridge”, Courtesy of Benjamin Davies, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Be Fearless”, Courtesy of James Healy, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Standing on the Ridge”, Courtesy of Julian Santa Ana, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Free!”, Courtesy of alfcermed, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

What Does the Bible Say About Anger? Examples and Instruction

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You’ve felt it, maybe even today: that feeling that bubbles up seemingly from nowhere, causing you to tremble and see red. You’ve been disrespected by a coworker, or someone insulted your child, or you watched a documentary on human trafficking. But have you ever wondered what does the bible say about anger?

Anger is a normal human emotion, just like joy, fear, surprise, anticipation, and trust. Created in the image of God – who loves, gets jealous, has compassion, and expresses anger – our emotions are part of who we are and what makes us human.

God didn’t create unfeeling robots, but people, and we are commanded to love God with our whole being: heart, soul, mind, and strength. We aren’t meant to prioritize our thoughts over feelings, or feelings over thoughts, but to use both our rational minds and our passions to respond to God’s wisdom for our lives. Our emotions allow us to lean on God in trust and learn to love Him more each day.

Emotions are complex things. Some emotions are evil by nature (e.g., malice, bitterness, conceit), but most can be good or evil, depending on what drives them, how they are expressed, whether they are appropriate to the situation, etc. We need to learn to feel and communicate our emotions in healthy ways, and this is especially true of anger. That means neither simply ignoring it as if it doesn’t matter, nor exploding like Mount St. Helens.

Western society has conditioned us (in some circumstances) to respect expressions of anger from men as a demonstration of leadership, decisiveness, and power. Conversely, we’ve also been conditioned to disrespect anger in women. Women who dare to express anger might be considered difficult or problematic or even hysterical.

The word “hysterical,” which means extreme uncontrolled emotion, is related to the word “hysteria” which comes from the Greek word for “uterus.” In the 19th and 20th centuries, hysteria was a diagnosable condition for women who were thought to be prone to mental and emotional illness due to their gender.

What Does the Bible Say About Anger?

Because anger can be complicated (and can so quickly cause damage),, everyone could benefit from giving some careful thought to how we are to express and receive emotionally healthy expressions of anger. Let’s see what the Bible says about anger.

The Bible tells us that God gets angry

Psalm 7:11 says, “God is a righteous judge, a God who displays his wrath every day.” What causes God’s wrath? It’s right there in the verse – unrighteousness. A few verses earlier, the Psalmist invokes God’s wrath to bring about justice:

Arise, Lord, in your anger; rise up against the rage of my enemies. Awake, my God; decree justice. – Psalm 7:6

In the Old Testament, God sometimes gets a bad rap as an angry, vengeful God, so we need to keep in mind that God gets angry at sin because sin is a high-handed violation of and rebellion against God’s righteous law. We should never attempt to elevate one of God’s attributes above any other. His love and justice are coequal.

God described His character to Moses when He allowed Moses to see His presence:

The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation. – Exodus 34:6-7

Versions of this description of God as merciful, slow-to-anger, and just appear at least eight other times in the Bible: Numbers 14:18, Nehemiah 9:17, Psalm 86:15, Psalm 103:8, Psalm 145:8, Joel 2:13, Jonah 4:2, and Nahum 1:3.

All those Bible verses, with the singular exception of Nahum 1:3, also mention God’s rich and abounding love. First Corinthians 13, often called the Bible’s “Love Chapter,” paints a picture of love that offers deeper insight into God’s character. And again, it tells us love (and God) “…is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:35).

God is angry when people sin, violating his holy law in rebellion against Him, but because God is love, He is longsuffering and ready to extend forgiveness.

The Bible shows us that Jesus got angry

Jesus got angry, but as the Incarnation of God, Jesus never sinned. Jesus showed us the Father’s merciful, loving heart through His actions. He let nothing prevent Him from loving others, even the Sabbath laws. For example, He healed a man with a shriveled hand on the Sabbath and used it as a teaching opportunity for those gathered.

Then Jesus asked [the Pharisees], “Which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill?” But they remained silent. He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored. – Mark 3:4-5

Jesus often got angry with the religious leaders of the day, who put obstacles (like Sabbath restrictions) before people. In Matthew 23, He delivered this stark condemnation:

For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted. Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to. – Matthew 23:13

In Mark, we see another example of Jesus’ anger at those shutting the door of the kingdom in people’s faces:

On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple courts and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money-changers and the benches of those selling doves, and would not allow anyone to carry merchandise through the temple courts. And as he taught them, he said, “Is it not written: ‘My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations’? But you have made it ‘a den of robbers.’” – Mark 11:15-17

Only Jews could offer sacrifices in the Temple, yet the money-changers and those selling animals for sacrifices had set up in the outer courts, a place designated for those who weren’t Jewish and yet believed in the One True God. They turned God’s house into a shopping mall which made it difficult for those from other nations to use it as a holy place of prayer.

The Bible instructs us how to appropriately deal with anger

Some anger is righteous. Ephesians 4:26-27 encourages us: “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Paul assumes that we will experience righteous anger but cautions that even our righteous anger can become an opportunity for Satan to gain a foothold in our life.

You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell. – Matthew 5:21-22

What did Jesus mean by this? Among other things, He wanted His listeners to recognize that the state of their hearts is as important as their actions. Our actions spring from the condition of our hearts. Some anger is righteous, and some is sinful, and further, “Raca” was a term of contempt. Jesus doesn’t mean that we can’t feel and express anger, but unjustified anger is sin, as is anger that turns aggressive and abusive.

James encourages us to emulate the character of God and “…be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…” (James 1:19). Think of the last argument you had in which you felt anger. Did you spend more time talking (or formulating your responses) or listening? When we remember the mercy, compassion, and love God has for all people, it can open our hearts to listen to someone else as made in His image.

The book of Proverbs has a lot to say about anger. Consider just one verse: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). When confronted with anger, do your best to answer with gentleness. Turn the other cheek with your words.

Shortly after Paul wrote that we shouldn’t sin in our anger, he also tells us to “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger…” (Ephesians 4:31). How are we to do this? A good principle can be found in Colossians 3:17. If you can’t do or say something in the name of Jesus while giving thanks to God, then don’t do or say it.

When you’ve crossed the line of feeling anger and sinning (being cruel and aggressive), it can be hard to cross back over. This is where it is important to lean on God so that in your weakness, His power will be made perfect (2 Corinthians 12:9). With His strength supporting you, you can walk forward, changing one step at a time.

Always remember to pray. God promises to offer peace in every situation when we pray with thanksgiving, presenting our requests before Him (Philippians 4:6-7). Trust God that in His merciful love He wants what’s best for you and whoever provoked your feelings of anger. Let Him show you the best way forward.

Christian Counseling for Anger Issues

If you’re looking for additional support beyond these verses about anger in the Bible, feel free to contact one of the counselors in the online counselor directory or find someone near you at our local offices. We would be happy to meet with you to discuss practical techniques for anger management from a Christian perspective.

Photos:
“Migraine”, Courtesy of Engin Akyurt, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Mad”, Courtesy of Yogendras31, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Lover’s Quarrel”, Courtesy of Sasint, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Cuddles from Mommy”, Courtesy of Jordan Whitt, Unsplash.com, CC0 License