All in the Family: Encouraging Children with Different Birth Order to Get Along

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You may have heard of how birth order can influence a child’s personality and behavior. For example, the firstborn child may be more responsible, dependable, and organized compared to their siblings. The youngest child is more coddled, less disciplined, and takes risks. Middle children have a reputation for feeling left out and becoming sensitive to rejection, but tend to be people-pleasers and sociable.

Getting Different Birth Order Children to Get Along

How do you help your children get along with so many possible personality clashes from birth order? There are several things you can do to ease the tension in a household with two or more siblings.

Don’t compare

Resist the urge to compare one child’s behavior to their sibling’s behavior. It is easy to slip and say, “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?” Comparison only leads to negative feelings between siblings. Each child is unique in how they process information, express emotions, and behave. Instead of comparing, guide your child by leading with their strengths.

Spend quality time with each child

No matter where they are in the birth order, children crave attention and affection from their parents. They need someone who loves them to listen to and enjoy their interests. Spending quality time with each child separately makes each one feel special and strengthens the bond between parent and child.

Whether you go on an adventure together, play a game, or watch a movie curled up on the couch, you’re not only spending time with your child, but you are also creating memories. Each child needs a bond with their parent that is unique to them. Schedule play dates and other outings with each child. Some parents refer to this as a date or make it into their own special holiday (example: Mary’s Day or date night with John).

Teach children to actively listen to each other

Children in families tend to either ignore or fight their siblings. They don’t take the time to understand the other’s point of view. Part of this could be personality-based or the fact that they share the same household and must vie for the parents’ attention.

Teach your children to use their words to express their feelings to each other. Teach them how to resolve conflicts and manage anger without hurting someone.

As children grow, hormones and mental conditions can cause mood swings, irritability, and impulsiveness. Consult with a family counselor to learn the best way to teach your children communication skills.

Don’t put all your trust into birth order traits

Birth order traits are common personality traits and behaviors associated with the position of a child in the family. It does not mean that your child will fall into a specific category and be “wrong” if their personality traits overlap.

For example, perhaps your youngest child has more personality traits similar to an oldest child rather than being limited to one category. Don’t limit their abilities to a birth order chart or stereotypes.

Christian Family Counseling in Huntington Beach

If your home feels more like a war zone when the kids are out of school, family counseling might be the answer. The family is an essential unit for raising productive, loving, emotionally resilient, and stable young adults. Let us help you with Christian family counseling in Huntington Beach, California.

When you connect with us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling, we match you with a Christian counselor in Huntington Beach who specializes in family issues, conflict resolution, and anger management. Counseling goes beyond birth order traits and combines evidence-based methods and Christian principles.

Connect with us today to get started.

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“Sun Setting Behind Dock”, Courtesy of Marc Serota, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

What You Can Expect from Christian Premarital Counseling in California

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The lead-up to a wedding is typically abuzz with excitement. A lot is going on at that time, including choosing venues, making decisions on color schemes and caterers, finalizing the budget and guest list, discussing whether to have live music or a DJ, and more.

As you and your intended make decisions about every facet of your wedding, the pressure can lead to an unintentional neglect of your relationship. One of the things a couple can do before and during this period of wedding preparations is attend Christian premarital counseling in California.

What is Christian premarital counseling for?

There are several unhelpful myths out there about premarital counseling, Christian or otherwise. Some believe that premarital counseling is the sort of thing that you do when you find your relationship riddled with problems, and you need to right the ship before you set sail, so to speak. Others believe that premarital counseling is only for religious people or if you want to get married in a church.

Christian premarital counseling isn’t a form of couples counseling reserved for floundering couples. Often, couples will seek counseling at a point in their relationship when they are at odds or facing a crisis. When couples seek counseling at this point, they may take a defensive posture against one another, making it harder to communicate their needs effectively as well as make meaningful progress toward resolving the issue.

Premarital counseling strengthens a relationship as part of the marriage preparation. Instead of waiting for the relationship to become strained before seeking help, premarital counseling helps a couple prepare for any serious issues before they arise in marriage. Premarital counseling helps a couple map out their future together.

A couple can use the wind in their sails as they head toward marriage to strengthen and deepen their relationship before they officially take that next step. Premarital counseling is thus not for religious folks only, or for couples going through a tough time. Rather, premarital counseling is a form of relational self-care, something a couple does in advance of any issues, but also during a tough season, too, if they choose.

Christian premarital counseling helps the couple talk about important issues that might become points of conflict later on. Talking about issues as diverse as money, parenting, infidelity, and roles in your future home helps you get on the same page, and premarital counseling equips you to work through these issues successfully.

How Christian Premarital Counseling Works

Christian premarital counseling sessions will vary depending on your counselor and the therapeutic technique they choose to use. However, there are some broad similarities in how premarital counseling works. To begin with, the initial sessions with your counselor will be for them to get to know you both so that they can identify your weaknesses, strengths, areas of potential conflict, as well as the ways you’re compatible.

During your sessions, you’ll share your life experiences, and your counselor will also observe your relationship dynamics. By sharing the life experiences that are significant to you both and that have shaped who you are and the expectations you carry into your relationship, you’ll gain deeper insight into your motivations and patterns in the relationship.

Premarital counseling in California also entails having conversations about important issues and questions that impact most marriages. Your counselor will lead you as you discuss topics such as how you and your partner plan to spend time together; how your finances will work; your beliefs and values (and how to handle these with respect and understanding); children and parenting, including whether you both want children, and how you’ll raise them.

Through your counseling sessions, the goal is to gain deeper insight into your future spouse, develop better communication skills, and shore up your strengths as a couple while getting on a growth trajectory in your areas of weakness.

What To Expect From Christian Premarital Counseling In California

In Christian premarital counseling in California, a counselor works with the couple or individual partners to pinpoint concerns, weaknesses, and strengths in the relationship. The partners can speak about their expectations and goals for the relationship, as well as identify steps taken to meet these goals and various challenges. As with other forms of premarital counseling, Christian premarital counseling helps couples better deal with conflict.

In addition to this, Christian premarital counseling in California will specifically offer couples a Christian understanding of marriage. Couples may understand marriage in a way that isn’t rooted in who Christ is and the ethos believers ought to live out in their marriage. Christian premarital counseling will also help couples understand how to use resources such as Scripture, prayer, and community in strengthening their marriage.

Christian premarital counseling may be challenging for several reasons. For one thing, because difficult and sensitive subjects will come up during the sessions, this may be a cause for anxiety or fear. These topics for discussion may highlight differences of opinion, and these differences may not be easily resolved. The couple may choose not to marry because of these differences, but they should discover this sooner rather than later.

Counseling provides the couple with a safe space to talk about difficult and sensitive topics, and some of these may stir painful thoughts and memories. For the couple to get the most out of it, it’s important to be truthful about their fears, doubts, goals, and expectations. It’s better to face these head-on, even though that might be hard in the short term. With the help of a licensed and trained counselor, the couple can work through this together.

There are many benefits of Christian premarital counseling in California. Your counseling sessions will equip you and your partner to handle the many slings and arrows that married life might direct your way. Faith-based pre-marriage therapy helps you to prepare to live a life together, and it helps you to face marriage with your partner realistically.

Benefits of Christian Premarital Counseling

It helps you view yourselves and your future life together realistically This allows you to plan for your future and set goals that will allow your marriage to flourish.

It will help you understand each other better By talking about what you believe, cherish, hope for, expect, and fear, you’re better placed to understand each other.

It will help improve your communication A healthy relationship requires good communication. Premarital counseling provides space for a couple to develop a working vocabulary so they can express complicated emotions, as well as share their opinions effectively without harming or shaming each other.

Address fears about marriage Premarital counseling takes a realistic look at what married life is like, and it can help to relieve anxieties about the future by taking a realistic look at what marriage will entail. Through premarital counseling, a couple will gain greater clarity about what marriage will be like.

Nurture skills regarding conflict resolution Some of the skills premarital counseling imparts include conflict resolution and proper handling of differences. Your counselor will teach you how to resolve problems respectfully and through constructive conversations.

Setting goals Premarital counseling helps a couple to start planning their life together and create a blueprint for their relationship. As the couple makes plans for their future, they can also learn how they make decisions and start setting patterns for how to handle their future life together.

Nurture mutual appreciation The process of premarital counseling helps you to gain a deeper appreciation of your strengths as an individual, as well as the positive aspects you possess as a couple. Seeing these things about yourself and each other helps you to develop a deeper sense of appreciation for one another.

Identify and unlearn dysfunctional patterns of behavior Another benefit of Christian premarital counseling is to identify dysfunction in how you think and behave. It goes beyond that by helping you both make use of gospel-rooted resources that can empower you to change and adopt healthy patterns.

Christian premarital counseling thus has many benefits, chiefly preparing you to have a healthy marriage with the right partner.

Next Steps

Christian premarital counseling in California aims to proactively identify and address any potential areas of conflict in a relationship before these become serious concerns. Through counseling, the spouses learn constructive and effective strategies for raising and resolving concerns without entering into prolonged conflict.

If you or your loved one is contemplating marriage, reach out to us at California Christian Counseling and schedule an appointment to speak with a Christian couples counselor in California to help you establish a strong foundation.

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“Laughing Couple”, Courtesy of Jonathan Borba, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Walking on the Beach”, Courtesy of Frank Van Hulst, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

How to Not Give In to Depression After a Breakup

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Feeling sad after a breakup is a normal reaction. You invested time, money, and emotions into a relationship that did not work out. Perhaps the breakup came as a surprise or had been a long time coming. What’s important now is not to give in to depression after a breakup.

Depression After Breakup: How to Protect Yourself from Getting Stuck

A breakup is a loss, and you may experience the five stages of grief as you navigate the first few days and months. You may experience denial or shock, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. To keep from getting stuck in the depression stage after a breakup, protect your mental health and well-being.

The following are several tips for protecting yourself from depression after a breakup.

Confide in a trusted friend

You need the support of a trusted friend or family member right now. Someone you can confide in and who will hold your hand while you process your emotions. Listen to them if they want to share their experience with depression after a breakup or offer advice.

Find a support group

The knee-jerk reaction after a breakup is to seclude away. But what you need now is support. Depression and grief support groups are excellent for providing participants with first-hand experience and tips for moving past heartache. You can find local and virtual groups online or check with your community center or local public library.

Consider counseling

Counseling can teach you the strategies and skills to process the breakup, accept your new reality, and make plans for the future. Counseling can help if you need to heal from trauma, abuse, neglect, abandonment, or feelings of low self-worth. The methods shared equip you with lifelong techniques to get over any obstacle.

Distance yourself from your ex

The old saying, “Out of sight, out of mind,” comes in handy after a breakup. You need at least a few weeks of distance from your ex as you process and heal. Don’t follow them on social media or in real life. If you must see them, try to keep your distance and only talk when necessary, such as when coparenting.

Dive into creative pursuits

Dive back into the activities that make you happy. Pursue creative outlets that allow you to express your feelings. For example, painting, sculpting, writing songs or short stories, crocheting, and playing a musical instrument are all ways you can express yourself. Make time for creative pursuits and hobbies to boost your mood and overall well-being.

Acknowledge your feelings, but don’t stay there

It’s important to acknowledge your feelings, but don’t stay there. You need to feel those emotions to work through them, but remaining stuck will not help you move forward. Consider journaling your thoughts and emotions. Journaling permits you to record your most vulnerable thoughts and distance yourself from them, promoting healing.

Exercise to feel better

People exercise to feel better about themselves externally and internally. Heart-pumping exercise triggers the release of endorphins and other brain chemicals, such as serotonin and dopamine. This release leaves you feeling happier and confident. Exercise also lowers cortisol, the stress hormone, and regulates mood.

Christian Counseling in Huntington Beach, CA

Talk therapy and other psychological methods are effective for managing depression after a breakup. Schedule a session with a Christian counselor in Huntington Beach, California to receive an assessment and discuss the skills and strategies you need to move forward. Contact us today at Huntington Beach, California, to learn more.

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“Wildflowers”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Setting Personal Boundaries in Marriage: Examples and Techniques

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There is likely no more intimate human relationship than the one between a husband and wife. Our proximity to our spouse is like having a personal vanity mirror always bouncing our identities, faults, and traits back at us. It’s the sort of relationship where two people come together to share the entirety of their lives.

This marriage relationship is characterized by deep vulnerability, emotional and physical intimacy, exclusivity, and the ongoing commitment to do life together in ways that other relationships simply can’t hold a candle to. don’t. If you pause and think about it, there are things about marriage that simply cannot apply to other relationships, and it feels weird to try and do so.

You don’t commit to live with your friend for the rest of your lives, nor do you have the same obligations when it comes to your workplace and work relationships. There is something decidedly unique about the marital relationship. This makes it somewhat strange to talk about boundaries in marriage.

If we think about boundaries like boundary markers of what keeps things out or in, appropriate or inappropriate, understandably, talking about drawing such lines may feel counterproductive to connection.

Personal Boundaries in a Committed Relationship?

One of the ways marriage is described in Scripture is that “a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, NIV). There is a unison that occurs in marriage, and it doesn’t refer only to physical union through sexual intimacy, but the union of various aspects of their lives, such as where they live, their goals and plans, their finances, and so on.

Not one taking over the other, not one spouse consuming the other, or the relationship replacing the individuals’ identities, but two unique individuals embracing unity and making another whole thing, greater than the sum of its parts. 1+1=3 is the Kingdom math of relationships. Talking like this sets up the inevitable question about how the boundaries within a marriage can be if the two become one flesh.

The interesting thing about becoming one flesh is that whatever it means, it doesn’t mean you lose your individual existence. After all, if that were the case, there would be no need for Scripture to keep talking about the different and distinct roles and responsibilities of husbands and wives. Being one flesh doesn’t mean you stop being who you are as an individual.

A couple may be married, but it’s possible to have a situation in which one of them trusts in Jesus and the other does not (1 Corinthians 7:12-16). Marriage doesn’t take away the fact that you are who you are, or the fact that you have particular likes, dislikes, things you’re interested in, sensibilities, and your own sense of humor.

What marriage does is create space for two people to live together and love each other well. Loving each other well doesn’t mean becoming one another; it means considering everything that your spouse is and loving them as they are, even as you yearn for them to become who the Lord intended them to be. You love your spouse well by honoring who they are and acting in ways that speak love to who they are.

This reflects the relationship the three members of the Godhead have with each other and desire with us. To bring the glory and beauty out of each other by witnessing each other, elevating each other, and enjoying each other. Every relationship, if it is to be a healthy one, requires boundaries. These boundaries aren’t physical, per se, but they are lines that demarcate where one person ends, and the other person begins.

Each person has their limits, their own personality, things that they enjoy or don’t, and ways of being that are irreducibly them. Boundary lines like fencing on property overlooking a cliff, as C.S. Lewis might illustrate, are there for a reason, to keep fun safe and to prevent venturing into peril.

Personal boundaries can then become ways that individuals indicate their individuality, and as beings made in God’s image, their individuality is something the Lord purposely brought into being, even if it needs refinement to become more Christ-like. The Lord knit you in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13), and personal boundaries help you to protect who He made you to be. It’s a sad thing to be compelled to become someone else.

Examples of Personal Boundaries in Marriage

To understand personal boundaries and the place they may have in a marriage, it may be helpful to give a few examples of some boundaries. The point behind boundaries is that they help the individual define their identity, and they also help to establish limits and clear expectations in the relationship. They can also help to prevent emotional burnout, resentment, or unnecessary anger in the relationship.

Personal boundaries help to define who you are, what you’re comfortable with, and what your needs and expectations are of others. These boundaries can be about your emotions, your body, your time, money, work, how you handle digital space, and so much more.

Some examples of healthy personal boundaries in a marriage include respectful communication, such as no raised voices or name-calling; respecting each other’s opinions; not resorting to guilt-tripping or manipulation; and giving each other space to process things when needed. These standards help create a sense of emotional safety and respect in the relationship.

Time is an important aspect of our lives. Spouses might want alone time to pursue their hobbies, and also time for shared activities. To promote a healthy work-life balance, a couple may need to establish boundaries between work and life, for instance, by not checking work emails after 5 pm.

The couple can also set limits on social engagements and time spent with in-laws over the holidays. Another set of boundaries has to do with our bodies and could include personal space and delineating times and places where you don’t want to be touched.

When it comes to sexual intimacy, desires, limitations, and preferences can also be communicated, so no one feels pushed to do things they’re not comfortable with. There may also be boundaries regarding public displays of affection or private moments like dressing or using the bathroom.

Finances are often a source of conflict in relationships, and clear boundaries may be helpful. Boundaries may be set to determine shared budgeting or spending decisions; issues like debt need to be disclosed, discussed openly, and managed jointly; there may be boundaries like not lending money to loved ones; there may be limits on personal spending or maintaining individual financial autonomy.

Lastly, a couple may set boundaries about their digital lives. This includes whether they have access to each other’s devices or social media accounts; whether they can use phones during their shared time; setting limits on online interactions, for instance, not connecting with or following exes; respecting each other’s wishes about the kinds of things posted online about the family; and limiting screen time before or in bed.

Each couple will have boundaries that are unique to them as a couple and to each individual in the relationship. One of the key elements of having boundaries is that these need to be communicated openly with one’s spouse to establish boundaries that work for both spouses.

How to Set and Communicate Boundaries

When you set healthy boundaries, it works to strengthen your relationship by promoting mutual respect, trust, and understanding. It helps you to know how to love each other well because you know what your spouse wants, what’s important to them, and what will help make them feel seen and heard. The question then is: how do you effectively set and communicate boundaries?

It isn’t always possible to set boundaries before marriage. You might not even be fully aware that you have boundaries, or you haven’t communicated them as such. That’s okay. Some steps for setting and communicating your boundaries include the following: Self-reflect. Before you set or communicate your boundaries, take the time to reflect on your limits and needs.

What are some things that you consider non-negotiables, like your personal space or sense of emotional safety? Are there some areas where you’re currently feeling overwhelmed or disrespected? This may clue you in on the areas where you potentially need boundaries. Communicate your boundaries.

When you try to share your boundaries, make sure to be specific and clear about what you want. It’s important that you clearly define the boundaries and the expectations you have. For instance, you can say, “I need some focused time in the morning for work. Can I have the morning without interruptions?” Another example of a boundary is “I’m uncomfortable discussing sensitive topics with our friends around. Can we discuss this when we get home and we’re in private?”

When you communicate the boundary, it’s also important to set a consequence if the boundary isn’t respected. For instance, a consequence might be “If you keep interrupting me while I’m working, I’m afraid I’ll need to take a break and check out from the conversation.” You need to communicate your boundaries assertively. That means maintaining eye contact, maintaining a calm but firm tone, and avoiding passive-aggressive or aggressive language.

Show empathy and understanding toward your spouse, listen to their concerns and perspectives, and remain open to compromise. Also, use “I” statements to express yourself without blaming or shaming your spouse. Your boundaries are not a way to control your spouse or to get your own way.

They represent genuine needs and ought to be open to discussion and compromise. Part of living with another person is learning to bear one another’s burdens and creating healthy boundaries. Respecting one another’s boundaries is one way to love each other and bear each other’s burdens well.

Dealing with Violated Boundaries

After you’ve communicated your boundaries, should those boundaries be violated, be sure to address those violations promptly. Show an appreciation for boundaries that have been respected, and communicate any violations in the same way you communicated the boundary. Boundaries can and do shift with time and circumstance. Be flexible, remain open to compromise, and hold the line firmly where necessary.

It may be helpful to seek professional help to set, communicate, or address violated boundaries. Your counselor can help you by creating a safe and conducive environment to have these conversations and develop the necessary skills.

Mulling over not exploring your boundaries and sharing them with your partner is universal and understandable, too. It may feel intuitively more desirable and convenient not to share than to share them because you may think, “It’s the end of the day, my spouse and I are interacting in close quarters, ‘til death do us part. I don’t want to get on their bad side.” But with bad boundary definitions, they often already are on your bad side.

Precisely because you will be with your spouse, conceivably to the end, having those conversations around needs, wants, and preferences will smooth out in time your relational functioning, which will be a great gift to both of you in perpetuity compared to the short-term benefits of conflict avoidance in the near term.

Boundaries are like well-reasoned laws in a frontier town. They help settlers grow side by side and cultivate the land by following agreed-upon principles. They aren’t just the boundaries to not take my stuff or stay away at this time. Growth through limits. Love from restraint. The benefits of respect and care from boundaries. I can say they are boundless.

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“Seasoned Couple”, Courtesy of Gustavo Fring, Pexels.com, CC0 License

Advice For the First Year of Marriage

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The first year of marriage is an exciting time. You finally married the love of your life. You’re excited about the future. You’re making plans, such as where you will live and when you plan to start a family.

But the first year of marriage can also be challenging. You are learning to live with one another and accept each other’s flaws. The newness begins to wear off, and you start to depend on each other for companionship.

Be prepared for the obstacles that may come along during your first year of marriage.

Advice for the First Year of Marriage

The first year of marriage can be rocky as you learn to lean on someone else while also maintaining your independence. This is the time to learn strategies in conflict resolution, anger management, and time management. Being on the same page regarding faith, household chores, finances, and expectations will go a long way in building a solid foundation for your relationship.

The following is a list of several tips for the first year of marriage.

Christian couples need Christ as the foundation

Christian couples need Jesus Christ as the foundation if they want to make it through the first year of marriage and beyond. Believers leading a Christ-led life will try to follow the principles Jesus taught and live by the fruit of the Holy Spirit. A home filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control is a home that people want to call home.

But you cannot fake the fruit of the Spirit. You may be able to convince someone that you have these qualities in the short term, but they will discover differently a few months into the marriage. Instead, foolproof your marriage by insisting that you both repent and give yourselves over to God and ask for the Holy Spirit to guide you both individually and as a couple.

Spend quality time together

Life gets busy, and it’s easy to take each other for granted. Don’t fall into that trap. Schedule quality time together. Make it part of your daily routine. This could be spending time watching television together or playing a game after dinner. It could be changing your work schedules to have Sundays off, so that the two of you can attend church and go out for an adventure afterward.

Guard your quality time. Others may ask for your time. Unless this is okay with your spouse, protect your time together.

But be your own person

Although quality time with your spouse is crucial for maintaining an emotional connection, you must also preserve your individuality. Pursue your own hobbies and interests, and encourage your spouse to do the same. For some couples, this may look like one person playing video games while the other reads on a Saturday morning. For other couples, it could be taking turns going out with friends.

Keep communication open when you plan to join friends or work on a hobby. Write it on a calendar that is posted where both of you can see it.

Keep yourselves honest

Don’t allow yourselves to go to bed while still angry. If you’re upset about something, tell your spouse how their actions made you feel. Don’t let emotions simmer until it feels like you might explode. Neither of you can read minds, so open communication is crucial.

Encourage honesty in your marriage. There may be times when honesty is painful, but it is essential for making informed decisions. For example, if your spouse feels that you are emotionally unavailable, don’t avoid the conversation. Find out why they think that way and seek counseling if you need it.

Place your relationship above all others

Learn to set boundaries in your relationship. Other people may try to intrude, especially initially, in the first year of marriage. In-laws may not understand why they cannot just stop over whenever they want. Establish boundaries with extended family and friends to protect your peace.

For example, you may need to set boundaries with family members about how late you will respond to a call or text message, or you may need to emphasize that they should call before stopping by your home. If you or your spouse always run errands for family members, you may need to allot a specific day and time to do this that does not interfere with your quality time.

Get on the same page with finances

Nothing triggers an argument like not being on the same page financially. If possible, discuss financial matters before marriage. Sit down and decide how you will manage bank accounts, savings, investments, and bill paying. Discuss large purchases with your spouse before making them and ensure that you both have access to the accounts.

Staying honest in marriage also extends to financial matters. If either of you has debt, work on it together. This is your first step to working as a team.

Practice patience

Little pet peeves can begin to break you down after the first few months of living together. Learn to practice patience. This might mean overlooking slights or helping your spouse through something they don’t understand. It means practicing empathy and putting yourself in their shoes.

If either of you has anger issues, seek help from a mental health professional. Anger management techniques learned during the first year of marriage will serve your relationship for decades to come.

Keep the romance alive

Part of your quality time together includes romance. Don’t get into a rut. Try new things and spice up your bedroom. Sometimes, just decluttering, cleaning, and redecorating the bedroom can give you a new lease of life in the romance area.

But romance is more than sex. You want to strengthen the emotional relationship you have. Make small gestures that show you love and appreciate your spouse. For example, make them a cup of coffee in the morning while they are getting dressed, or touch the small of their back as you walk by. It’s the little things that will keep you connected.

Support each other with household chores

No one really likes doing chores, but maintaining a clean and healthy home is essential for overall well-being. Support your spouse by helping out with chores. Some couples split chores between them, while others gravitate toward chores that their parents may have done.

Try to keep an open mind about chores. Perhaps your father only mowed the lawn once a week, while your mother cleaned the entire house and did the laundry. Neither of you is your parents, and you can manage your household in a way that best suits you and your schedules.

For example, you could keep a dry-erase board with a list of daily household tasks. When either of you has time, do a small task and check it off. Work as a team to keep a lovely and peaceful home.

Find help if you need it

Don’t be afraid to ask advice about marriage from people with long-lasting marriages. Often, pastors or older church members who have been married for decades can offer sound advice. Try to visit someone you trust as a couple. Never confide in someone of the opposite sex without your spouse with you. That could set you up for future problems.

If your church offers marriage counseling or a support group for newlyweds, consider joining. If not, you may locate support groups in your area. Alternatively, you can reach out to our counseling center to speak with a licensed marriage counselor.

Virtual Marriage Counseling Available

If you’re not sure how to approach your spouse about the above topics or need help in the first year of marriage and beyond, contact our office today. We will schedule a virtual session with a Christian counselor for you. If you prefer face-to-face sessions, those are also available. Call to get started today.

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“Just Married”, Courtesy of Frans Daniels, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Happy Couple”, Courtesy of Wesley Tingey, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Together”, Courtesy of Elahe Motamedi, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Cuddling Couple”, Courtesy of Lia Bekyan, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

The Struggle of Parenting Teenagers: Part One

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The struggle of parenting teenagers isn’t something new. It’s the age when children start to practice being adults. Their minds develop in ways that enable them to start seeing the world in a different and critical light. Parents and other adults can experience teenagers as engaging, productive, and fun, or, on the other hand, as disrespectful, stubborn, and troubled.

The Stress of Parenting Teenagers

Everyone has their good and bad days, but what happens when the worry starts to creep in for parents? That worry says, “The bad days outnumber the good.” The struggle intensifies, and a growing fear of what is to come takes over.

Do any of these sound familiar?

  • “Is this normal behavior?”
  • “Does this mean they are _____?!”
  • “How do I get the lying to stop?”
  • “I just don’t know how to talk with my teenager.”
  • “All they do is argue with me.”
  • “My teenager just needs more self-confidence.”

If so, you are not alone. Teenagers can experience depression, body shame, low self-confidence, new levels of stress, and access to substances. These issues, along with developing brains, can lead to communication struggles and difficulties regulating emotions.

This article is part one of two articles that develop an understanding of the struggles parents face when deciding how to parent through teenage years. This article will attempt to expand your perspective on common issues teenagers face and common responses parents have to those issues. Part two will dive into alternative responses, where to look for help, and when to seek a therapist.

Common Issues Face by Teenagers and Their Families

Self Esteem

Teenagers develop a new level of ability to see others, compare with others, and are trying to work out what is good/right and bad/wrong for themselves with new reasoning capabilities. This can lead a teenager to lose or decline in self-esteem, whether internally done (comparing themselves with others they see) or externally influenced (when others make negative comparisons of them).

Communication Breakdowns

Communication breaks down in a family when teenagers struggle to express themselves. It also temporarily becomes more difficult for teenagers to process and relay information as their brains are distracted by new developments. Receiving correction is also not processed in the same way, as the teenager can try out reasoning skills and work through their newfound independence and desires.

Lying

Because teenagers are prone to compare themselves to others, are working on their own sense of right and wrong, and thinking in new ways, they can be prone to lying or communication that leaves out details. Lying or leaving out information can quickly become a habit that frustrates the entire family and creates a lack of proper communication across circle groups (i.e., family, friends, school, sports, etc.).

Fighting

Teenagers have developing reasoning skills. While practicing the art of reason, it has the potential to become a fight. These fights can range from simple rebuttals to full-blown screaming as teenagers get wrapped up in their own understanding, and parents are at a loss for how to respond and maintain authority.

Isolation

Teenagers are finding their way, developing rapidly, and often taking on increased responsibility, so they need more downtime, and they crave social connection. These needs and cravings create a propensity to isolate from family and spend less time in or around the home.

Self-Harm

Self-harming behavior is alarming to families, and at times, shameful as well. Any level of self-harming behavior can be difficult for families to manage and address. Any such behavior also has the potential to create new questions for the family and decrease trust in the teenager.

  • Physical Physical self-harming behaviors include actions such as abstaining from eating, purging after eating, over-eating, cutting, burning, slapping/punching/hitting. Teenagers may engage in these behaviors for several reasons, such as low self-esteem or to escape various types of stress.
  • Sexual Teenagers may engage in reckless, rough, or other inappropriate sexual behavior (i.e., sharing themselves via pornographic avenues). Again, teenagers who engage in these self-harming behaviors do so for a number of reasons.
  • Substances Substances can be drugs or alcohol of any amount. Teenagers may reason that there is no harm being done when using these substances. However, many studies have shown harm from the use of any controlled substance, tobacco or otherwise, on the developing and developed brains of individuals. Just because there is no perceived harm does not mean it is not there.

How much substance use is recognized as a problem can range from any use to abundant use. People often claim that there is no problem with using substances unless there is a frequent negative impact on the person’s life. No matter when or if the substance becomes a problem to the teenager or their parents, the motivation for using the substance is something important to be addressed.

Any of these issues, or any additional not-so-common issues that you and your teenager face, can present a level of difficulty that surpasses what parents and teens see as their capacity to deal with on their own. In other words, it’s normal to face new challenges that you and your teenager will need help with.

The parent response can vary from incident to incident and parent to parent. Below are a few common responses from parents.

Common Responses When Parenting Teenagers

This is not an exhaustive list by any means. This list includes reactions that parents have when facing any issue with their teenager’s behavior post-reprimanding, such as yelling and/or silence.

Take away privileges Whether it be a response to try and restrict access to the troubled behavior or an attempt to simply decrease freedom, taking away privileges is typically a common first approach. While this can seem like it works, it often doesn’t fix the behavior and yields only temporary results-if any.

Some teenagers are extremely reactive toward their privileges (such as electronics) being taken away, and others couldn’t care less. Either reaction can lead parents to wonder how to encourage their teenager to behave better.

Send them to church This is not every parent’s approach, but it becomes a part of many Christian homes where parents make it a rule to attend church. Parents who have teenagers who are engaging in difficult behavior will demand that their children continue joining them at church, or send them to church by themselves.

The difficulty of this approach comes when parents believe that the church will “fix” the teenager. Many times, it does not fix the behavior and can drive a wedge between the teenager and the church.

Send them to an expert Similar to sending the teenager to church, outsourcing the problem to an expert is thought by parents to be the “fix.” Sending your teenager to an expert will only have the opportunity to yield positive results if the teenager is open to admitting they have a problem, desires to work with the expert, and can access the tools and implement them.

Let them be This may sound like an odd one to add to a list of common responses of parents of teenagers caught in problematic behavior, but it is an important one to highlight. Letting the teenager “be” can come as a first response or after a different response wears off. For example, some parents may restrict freedoms for a week after an incident, and then simply allow the freedoms to be restored (sometimes prematurely) without any other intervention.

As a first response, parents can reason that they don’t have much insight to help the problem, the teenager will eventually self-correct, or that the problematic behavior isn’t “that bad.”

Help Parenting Teenagers

Any of these reactions are appropriate and/or fitting at times. The above reactions may be all a parent needs to see their teenager turn around in their behavior and straighten their ways.

What happens when the struggle of parenting teenagers seems like it’s too much, when the parent’s reaction doesn’t seem to evoke any level of change from the teenager?

It is common for parents to have at least one encounter of feeling lost and not knowing what to do with their teenager’s behavior. In part two of “The Struggle of Parenting Teenagers,” we will explore alternative responses to the ones found above, where to find help, and how to tell if your teenager needs a therapist.

Want to talk with someone today? Contact our team at cachristiancounseling.com or call us at 619-877-2560.

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Marriage: How Our Narrative Drives Our Experience

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Marriage is where our narrative drives our experience. The story we tell ourselves is not only the story we eventually believe, but one we influence others to believe as well. Marriages write a story about who we are and who our spouse is and we help write that narrative. It is important, then, to be discerning and protective over the narrative of your marriage.

Sarah fell in love with Greg. He was fun, spontaneous, light-hearted – just what her life needed. Little did she know how reckless that would seem later on. He was fun and light-hearted about everything. He never seemed to take finances seriously, despite her telling him how much it meant to her to be financially secure. He often fed the kids junk food while she worked hard to prepare nutritious meals.

He acted goofy and carefree in serious situations and when conflict arose, he was nowhere to be found. She couldn’t believe how untrustworthy he was. The other men in her life would never behave so carelessly. How could she have made such a terrible mistake in marrying this man?

He didn’t listen to her when she asked him to change. He didn’t care – he just kept doing whatever he wanted. She tried telling him over and over and he got mad at her! This was unbearable. Maybe it just couldn’t last. How could she live like this anymore? 

Most often, the story that is told is not the fullest or truest version. Whether the story is sugar-coated, created with rose-colored glasses (think, “love is blind”), or stripped of all goodness, it’s almost invariably biased. However, it’s the full story – the good mixed with the bad that will help couples build stronger relationships. This story – the one that sticks to the truth, both good and bad – will have the most positive impact on the couple and the individuals involved.

The impact of our narratives comes from what’s on the inside; the feelings and thoughts that drive our behavior. The range of effects can start with a simple lack of satisfaction with the relationship and lead to altering our behavior toward our spouse in one way or another (for example: hiding thoughts and feelings or conversely, acting outwardly upset with them).

What’s on the inside comes out: The Triad of Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors

Thoughts, feelings, and behaviors work together. So, if you are feeling and thinking one way, your behavior will reflect it in some way, even something as simple as the act of trying to hide your thoughts and feelings. Just the same, if you want to think differently about something stressful, you can choose a behavior that supports the thoughts and feelings you desire.

Thoughts

Our thoughts are indicated by our feelings and our behaviors. For example, if I am feeling happy and jumping up and down squealing, happy thoughts are typically there; or if I am active in what I enjoy and feeling good while doing it, my mind will be selective about thinking positive thoughts.

In the same way, our thoughts can influence our feelings and behaviors. If I am thinking about something stressful, I may be more tense/tight in my muscles, leading to a frown or a kink in my neck, and I may start to feel upset. This is also seen when our thoughts are focused on something as simple as a scary movie. We feel fear and become more jumpy.

Feelings

Our feelings are influenced by our thoughts and behaviors. Studies have shown that if I hold a pencil in my mouth, stretching my smile muscles, I can start to feel the release of happy chemicals. If I start to imagine I am in my happy place, I can start to feel relaxed.

Similarly, this can be seen when a person allows themself to think about times someone has wronged them. They will start to feel the weight of that wrong through sadness or anger and distance themselves from that person even in the middle of what was a good time together.

Feelings influence our thoughts and behaviors. If I am feeling sad, I may start to think that normal or fun things aren’t worth engaging in and may not get out of bed. Feeling angry can cause a failure to think about the future and consequently burn important bridges.

Behaviors

Behaviors are driven by our thoughts and feelings. When I am feeling nervous and thinking about a large crowd of people I am about to speak to, I may start to shake or bite my lip. If we are thinking positively about our spouse and feeling excited for them to come home, we will greet them with enthusiasm upon arrival or engage in special behavior based on those thoughts and feelings.

Behaviors influence thoughts and feelings as well. If I start to work out or jog, my mind clears and I feel more relaxed. As another example, if I do what is honorable and respectable, I can feel good about my behavior and think more steadily about my relationship.

Examining the Narrative We’ve Written

When one is not careful to examine the narrative they are holding about their marriage, challenging it through the careful examination of their heart and the Bible, they can bring about destructive patterns in their marriage that can ultimately lead to the destruction of their marriage.

Questions to Start With

So where does one start in examining the narrative they hold? Below are some helpful questions to ask oneself from Chris and Jamie Bailey of Expedition Marriage:

  • Is the story I’m telling myself true?
  • Is it the whole picture, or just one (my) side?
  • Have I left room for grace, communication, and understanding?
  • Is my perspective shaped more by past hurts than by what’s actually happening now?

Is the story I’m telling myself true?

This question lays an important foundation for checking facts against feelings and doing some work to gather details that may have been forgotten or otherwise skewed. If your feelings are driving a quick answer of “yes” try moving to ask if you’re 100% certain everything about your story is true.

Is it the whole picture, or just one (my) side?

Along with being certain everything in your narrative is 100% true, evaluating whether or not you are accounting for your spouse’s experience is important to paint the whole picture. This question challenges blame in the sense that it allows for owning your own part in whatever is working and whatever has not/is not working in your marriage.

This is akin to taking the plank out of your own eye first. Individuals have their commandments from God that do not depend on others to complete. They also have their own circle of control, so while we can write a narrative that implies our spouse has “made” us happy or miserable, it is important to explore both sides of the matter.

Have I left room for grace, communication, and understanding?

God instructs His children to be like Him in offering love, grace, mercy, being at peace with others as much as it depends on us, and forgiving others as He has loved us. Is your narrative placing you on the path of the “Unforgiving Servant” in Matthew 18? If so, you are on a path to destruction.

It is important to understand how a lack of grace, communication, and understanding can build bitterness which can destroy us. Allowing bitterness to grow throughout our narrative is going to hurt us, our relationship with our spouse, and our relationship with God.

Protecting the narrative we write about our marriage does not include sugarcoating the bad/ugly. It does not include glossing over it and hoping things will change. It includes the humble work of confession and prayer to God who is the changer of hearts.

If your narrative does not include room for grace, communication, and understanding, then your narrative may be keeping you from trusting God and following Him.

Is my perspective shaped more by past hurts than by what’s actually happening now?

The fact that we can craft a narrative means that we can edit and re-write our narrative. When asking this question, it is important to consider letting the past be the past and separating familiar feelings triggered by different events.

For example, one can feel safe and warm in their spouse’s arms when they first get married, building the narrative that when your husband holds you, he is loving you and keeping you safe. The same spouse may have become physically abusive and dangerous, yet all is forgiven as long as the message of the holding with a hug is communicated afterward.

I’m safer if I stay with this man, becomes the narrative. He loves me and doesn’t really want to hurt me. He’s sorry, the narrative builds. However, if we strip away our feelings and look at the situation, we can realize that differences between actions, behaviors, and intentions will tell a different story.

In the same way, when one spouse’s trust is broken, everything about the breaking of that trust is included in a new alert system. When their spouse is on their phone, they are doing something that will hurt them. If their spouse stays out too late, their spouse is untrustworthy. Because they are fighting over this issue, their relationship will never be okay.

Once you strip away the emotions, you can see whether you are simply being triggered by something familiar. The fight doesn’t equal the end of the relationship, because you and your spouse have more grace and can recover by resolving your differences. Phone use is normal and your spouse is more than willing to reiterate their love for you. Staying out too late may be part of normal involvement with this group/work/church/accountability partners/etc.

This question allows us to uncross the wires that were formed for survival once the crisis is over, allowing you and your spouse to change.

Getting Help To Sift Through The Narrative

Writing a true and full-scope narrative can be difficult when pain and emotions are involved. However, it is important for the sake of your marriage and future.

If you need someone to help walk you through these questions and to help write a strong narrative about your marriage, reach out to Orange County Christian Counseling on our website or at 949-281-3240 in the Southern California area. We are here to help.

Reference:
Expedition Marriage @ https://expeditionmarriage.org/
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Steps to Prevent Others From Overstepping Boundaries

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Setting boundaries is how people guard their lives against unacceptable behaviors. If there are no boundaries in place, then others will not know how to respect your personal space. They will set the stage for the treatment that people are subjected to.

Clear boundaries can establish how a person takes care of themselves emotionally and spiritually. They cultivate the realization that it’s not about how people view others, but rather how satisfied a person is with their life. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling provides guidance on setting healthy boundaries, empowering individuals to build stronger relationships and live with greater peace and purpose.

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. – Proverbs 4:23, ESV

Boundaries do not have to be spoken for a person to have them. Every person has a level of discomfort and that is the reason for them. It is best to communicate them to reduce any problems with others overstepping them.

Types of Boundaries

Personal boundaries differ from professional. These typically reflect how a person interacts with others. Physical contact, personal space, and verbal interaction all are areas that may require them.

There are categories for the common types.

Physical boundaries help with protecting personal space. People who are not “touchy-feely” often refrain from hugging and may have them in place to keep others from getting too close physically.

Emotional boundaries protect emotional well-being.

Workplace boundaries help protect the ability to work without interference. Workplace boundaries are typically set as a reflection of how a person conducts themselves professionally. It is common for these to be established after there has been an issue.

Material boundaries help with protecting personal belongings. Allowing others to use personal items can be done with written instructions. The instructions make it clear what is expected when something is borrowed.

Time boundaries help with protecting the use of time. This kind can be challenging, due to the categories of time management that people fall into, such as being late or being early. It is not uncommon for these two categories to clash. Setting a boundary can help present a solution to the conflicts that arise because of the different views of time.

Sexual boundaries help protect our sexual needs and safety. These are often noted in new relationships. By communicating what is comfortable in this area a person can prevent any type of miscommunication about desires.

Boundaries can be set in a manner that allows them to be in place no matter where a person may be at any time. They are set for a variety of situations where engagement with others is likely to happen.

Setting Boundaries That Work

Boundaries serve to keep people mentally and emotionally healthy. Some can be confusing and misunderstood. It is important to remember that sometimes they need to be communicated clearly to reduce the chance of someone unintentionally crossing them Being intentional about setting them will reduce any chance of someone overstepping them.

There are a few simple steps to setting healthy boundaries that will keep personal space protected.

Identify personal limits

Sometimes a boundary isn’t known until there is an issue in that area. Identifying personal limits of what is acceptable helps create a healthy boundary.

Communicate the boundary

After deciding to set a specific boundary, it must be communicated.

Know what needs to be said

Communicating boundaries to other people means that a person must understand what they want to convey to others. Learning what to say and how to say it can reduce miscommunication or misunderstanding.

There is no need for apologies or explanations

People commonly feel the need to explain why they have boundaries or apologize for setting them. It is perfectly acceptable to say “no” in a kind way without any type of explanation.

Be consistent

Setting a boundary is useless if there is no consistency. To prevent others from overstepping them it is vital to stand firm with the decision to set it. This reduces the chance that others will disrespect it.

Next Steps

There are times when people need boundaries. Knowing why they need to be set and how to set them can help create healthy relationships with people in your life. The first step is to identify what you consider to be healthy ones for you. Once that has been decided you can start the process of clarifying and communicating them.

To better understand why you need them and how to set them, the counselors at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help. With the right faith-based plan, your counselor in Huntington Beach can help you create healthy ones that will work for you and those around you. Call our office today at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling in California for more information or to make an appointment.

References:

https://psychcentral.com/relationships/what-are-personal-boundaries-how-do-i-get-some#takeaway

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-to-help-a-friend/201711/why-is-it-important-to-have-personal-boundaries

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-addiction-connection/202210/5-steps-to-creating-and-maintaining-healthy-boundaries

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Help for Toxic Couples Through Christian Couples Counseling

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There is no such thing as the perfect couple. However, some couples have a healthy and flourishing relationship with a dysfunctional dynamic. Every relationship will have its issues and sticking points, and the couple will have problems that stem from their circumstances as well as how they respond to them. The question is whether the couple and their relationship can be called “toxic.”

What is a toxic relationship?

One of the words that has made the rounds online and in daily conversation is “toxic.” The word was once more commonly used to talk about byproducts from chemical or manufacturing plants, and it referred to waste and other materials that could cause death. Now, the word is often used to describe certain patterns of behavior that are problematic, and perhaps even dangerous.

As a person looks at their own life, they may not see themselves or what they say and do as toxic. Some of this is due to a lack of self-awareness, and some of it may be due to the human proclivity toward self-deception (Jeremiah 17:9). It’s possible to see and know your own bad habits, but to minimize them and their impact on other people. This makes it hard to acknowledge harmful or toxic behavior. If you’re struggling with this, Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help.

To describe a relationship as toxic doesn’t mean that every facet of it is deeply problematic and needs to be jettisoned entirely. Instead, it means that behavior patterns in the relationship hinder and undermine flourishing. It’s important to recognize that it’s not just one-off incidents, but patterns of behavior. This means one or both partners act in a certain problematic way more often than not.

Some Examples of Toxic Behaviors

Here are some examples of the kinds of behavior that are harmful or that undermine flourishing in a relationship. It’s important to remember that the greatest commandments are for us to love God with our whole heart, and to love one another the way we love ourselves (Matthew 22:34-40). The Bible then describes what that kind of love looks like – a consistent desire for and self-sacrifice for the good of the other person (1 Corinthians 13).

A relationship can and should be a place where people are loved. That means it’s a place where each partner sacrifices their own way, doesn’t demand to use their own understanding as the basis for decisions, and forgives over and over again.

A loving relationship is a place where each is seen, heard, given room to grow, supported in becoming who the Lord intends them to be, kept accountable to what is true and right and good, and where godly character flourishes. Some examples of toxic or harmful behaviors and attitudes that undermine these things include the following:

Constant conflict

Every relationship will have some conflict. When two people with different personalities and outlooks come together, there will be differences of opinion, and those can turn into conflict. Conflict may provide a couple with room to express themselves, their values, and their needs. At the end of conflict, the couple can have a better understanding of each other, and how to effectively meet felt needs.

If, on the other hand, a couple is constantly embroiled in conflict, and they don’t resolve their conflicts, then it’s problematic. Constant conflict and unresolved conflict undermine the couples’ relationship and sense of fulfillment. It may also point to deeper issues such as unwillingness to compromise, or poor communication.

Avoiding conflict

The other side of the conflict pendulum is a couple avoiding conflict. It can be an issue if one or both partners are walking on eggshells with each other, hesitating to bring up concerns because it’ll ruffle feathers, or leaving conflict situations unresolved instead of talking things through. Conflict may be unpleasant, but it may allow a couple to address issues, and, paradoxically, for them to draw closer together.

Avoiding conflict leaves issues unaddressed, leading to frustration and increasing resentment. It can also result in dwindling trust and a widening emotional gap between partners. Instead of de-escalating things, avoiding conflict allows issues to simmer in the background until they boil over.

Anger issues

Your partner is bound to do things that will drive you up the wall. You’ll get angry with each other. That’s different from anger issues, which occur when anger is present in your daily interactions, and gets expressed in unhealthy ways like shouting, swearing, hitting, throwing or breaking things, making threats, being sarcastic, giving the silent treatment, or engaging in self-harm. Another way to define anger issues is contempt.

Anger is a powerful emotion, one which often erupts when a boundary has been violated or we feel unsafe in some way. It’s not always meant to be bottled up, nor is it meant to be expressed in volatile and violent ways that harm others or us. Instead, when it is appropriate to express, it can and should be expressed calmly, assertively, and clearly.

Abuse

When you’re dealing with another person, you’re dealing with a fearfully and wonderfully made, beautiful image of our creator and Lord (Genesis 1:26-28; Psalms 139:14; James 3:9-10). That means there are appropriate and dignifying ways of treating and relating to such beings.

It also means there are inappropriate and undignified ways of relating to them. Due to the dynamics in relationships where there is active unwanted touch and sometimes other forms of abuse, couples counseling is not appropriate as it is not a safe relationship to restore one’s trust, and it isn’t fair to either one of the individuals.

Dishonesty

The truth is important in any relationship. It’s not always easy to say or hear the truth, but a relationship without truth has no foundation. A pattern of dishonesty, whether regarding the use of time, finances, who they’re spending time with, or what they truly think or feel, is problematic for a relationship.

There are many other ways in which a relationship can be toxic, including selfishness, lack of accountability, lack of empathy for one another, sabotaging one another’s efforts, withholding support or emotional availability, neglecting each other’s basic needs, or avoiding responsibilities in and around the home. These and other things can undermine the health of a relationship.

Help For Toxic Couples

What can you do if you’re in a toxic relationship? The answer depends on how toxic the relationship is and whether you both want to do something about it. A relationship can be so toxic that it’s a threat to life and limb, and a person’s well-being. In such cases, utilizing individual treatment is a more appropriate start to allow for both individuals to be heard and supported.

The only way a toxic relationship gets fixed is if both parties are committed to working at it. It requires awareness that the relationship is toxic and that both parties recognize that they aren’t honoring each other. You can seek help from a Christian couples counselor who can help you understand the unhealthy dynamics in your relationship. They can also work with you to improve communication, problem solving, and respect for each other.

Through Christian couples counseling, you can learn constructive ways of communicating and resolving conflict, learn how to hear each other and carve out space for one another, how to hold yourselves and each other accountable, and become more aware of how you and your partner best feel loved, so your felt needs are met. A toxic relationship can be turned around; your relationship can find a new life. Reach out for help today. A Christian couples counselor at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling can help you identify unhealthy dynamics and work toward better communication, problem-solving, and mutual respect.

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The Benefits of Christian Premarital Counseling

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Choosing Christian premarital counseling has helped many couples get clear on their relationship, work through obstacles, and learn lifelong skills.

The benefits of Christian premarital counseling are vast. You might think that you know your soon-to-be spouse. You’re in love with this person, so what is left to learn? Unfortunately, we cannot go merely on our feelings. There is more to a relationship than how you feel about the other person.

What Christian Premarital Counseling Can Do For You

Christian premarital counseling seeks to bring those things to the surface to discuss and circumvent potential obstacles. The following is a list of several benefits worth discussing during a counseling session. Huntington Beach Christian Counseling provides a supportive environment for couples to explore these topics and prepare for a strong, faith-centered marriage.

Family History

Knowing each other’s family history can help you understand their perspective. For example, if you grew up in poverty, you may have more resiliency to financial downturns than your spouse.

Family history can also affect how one reacts to situations or treats people. If they were abused as a child, they may be short-tempered with those they love. Everyone can change the trajectory of their life no matter where they started, but they might need help.

Goals for the Future

Do your goals mesh with your partner’s goals? For example, if your goal is to finish your education degree and teach in a local school, you might have an issue if your significant other wants to move several states away to work in a rural setting. You can find common ground, but you may need help brainstorming solutions that will work for both of you.

Learn Communication Skills

Many marriage troubles are due to a lack of communication skills. We often speak without hearing the other person. We might even concoct an answer while the other person is still speaking to us.

A counselor can introduce you to communication skills like active listening, asking open-ended questions, watching for nonverbal communication, speaking clearly and concisely, and displaying empathy toward your loved one.

Identify Obstacles

We have all heard of red flags, but how many have noticed them when we are in love? A third party, like a counselor, can help identify obstacles that might cause you issues in the future. Counseling is a safe place to discover and work through problems before they become roadblocks in your marriage.

Discuss Conflict Resolution

Many people handle conflict the way they were raised. Maybe they storm out during an argument, slam doors, or scream and yell. You and your significant other may have entirely different methods for expressing anger.

Counseling is a safe place to navigate anger and learn conflict resolution. Anger is not necessarily a wrong emotion, but how we manage it can lead to either a healthy relationship or a strained marriage.

Discuss Marriage Expectations

To avoid tension in the marriage, discuss expectations early in the relationship. For example, do you want to assume more traditional gender roles for housekeeping, with the husband working outside the home and the wife staying home? Do you plan to share the household duties equally? Would you rather (and can you afford) a housekeeper? Conflict can result if one spouse expects the other to assume a task if the responsibility is not shared.

Parenting Styles

If you plan to have children or already have children from a prior marriage, you will need to discuss parenting styles and come to an agreement. Were you raised by strict parents and want to follow in their footsteps? But what if your spouse wants to maintain a more laid-back and relaxed parenting style? A counselor can work as a mediator to help you reach a conclusion that combines your parenting styles for what may be best for the children.

Managing Finances

A marriage can end due to mismanagement of funds. Finances play a huge part in a marriage, including paying off student loans, planning a wedding, buying a house and car, going back to college, having a child, and medical expenses. Both spouses should have access to the financial records.

If one of you struggles with shopping addiction or gambling, speak to a counselor to learn how to manage finances, discuss checking and savings accounts, pay off debt, and budget for vacations and holidays.

Talk to a Counselor Before Taking the Leap

Before taking the leap, consider Christian premarital counseling as part of your wedding planning. You both must have a good mindset and are on the same page regarding your marriage and future life together.

Call us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling today to book a session with a counselor for Christian premarital counseling in Huntington Beach, California.

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