Practical Advice for Newlyweds

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A marriage based on love and respect doesn’t just happen. It is something you need to work on. One of the biggest adjustments is making the mental shift from deciding things on your own to having your decisions involve someone else. In this situation, advice for newlyweds can be helpful.

Advice for Newlyweds

The following are some practical tips that can help smooth your transition from singlehood to marriage. Mostly they come from couples in happy, long-lasting marriages who have gone the distance themselves.

Remember your commitment

Marriage is a covenant with a person who is not always going to make you happy, nor you him or her. On hard days when you’re feeling frustrated or upset, remember your commitment. Be intentional about investing time, energy, and communication into understanding and meeting one another’s needs. Always be there for one another and learn how to attack problems together with a mindset of it being the two of you against the world, as opposed to against each other.

Have realistic expectations

Marriage is not all glamorous. There are going to be good days and bad days when you don’t feel in love, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your relationship. Ups and downs are inevitable in even the happiest of marriages. Not every disagreement, however, is worth fighting over. Learn to choose your battles wisely.

Be open and honest

Keep your lines of communication open and make a habit of talking often about your thoughts and feelings. Secrets divide but being open and honest with one another about everything – especially the stuff that hurts – will help foster trust, strengthen the connection between you, and increase intimacy.

Be quick to forgive

Don’t wait to stop feeling angry before being willing to forgive. It does not mean pretending not to be hurt, disappointed, or upset, but if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, it is an intentional choice to set aside pride and extend the same grace to your spouse that Christ extended to you on the cross. Forgiveness provides space to work things out rather than allow an issue to fester and damage the rest of your relationship.

Avoid accusations and defensiveness

Avoid focusing on past upsets or using threats of divorce to get what you want. Be kind and communicate respectfully, even when you are feeling upset. Remember that your spouse is not a mind reader. Tell him or her what the cause of your distress is using “I” statements to express how it causes you to feel, rather than make accusations, cast blame, or be defensive about your part in the issue.

Practice active listening

Assume the best of one another. If your spouse’s actions upset you, try to find out what their motivation was before jumping to conclusions. Listen attentively to what they are saying. Try to understand their perspective, and validate their thoughts and feelings, even if you don’t agree with them. Being empathetic and compassionate with one another will strengthen the connection between you.

Be flexible and willing to compromise

Being flexible and willing to compromise will allow you to grow and learn from your mistakes. Take responsibility for your part in any problem you face as a couple and be quick to offer an apology if an apology is due.

Laugh together

Look for the humor in frustrating situations. A good laugh can help diffuse tension, alter your perspective, and make your journey more memorable.

Plan date nights

Make time for regular one-on-one activities as a couple. Especially once you have children, these times can help you stay connected and increase your feelings of closeness.

Keep the spark alive

Make your spouse your best friend and don’t stop building your love for one another. Take an interest in each other’s interests, and look for fresh, new experiences to share, such as trying out a new restaurant, going on an adventure, or taking a vacation in a romantic spot.

Encourage one another

Regularly tell your spouse what you love and appreciate about them, do kind things for one another, and look for ways to brighten each other’s day.

Give each other space

Respect each other’s need for alone time occasionally. Having time to recharge and enjoy personal interests is as important as couple time and can strengthen your relationship.

Keep your private life private

One of the greatest pieces of advice for newlyweds is to keep private matters private. If you have problems in your relationship, seek help from someone qualified to give it to you rather than talk about it to anyone who will listen. Don’t speak negatively about your spouse to other people, or air personal issues on social media.

If you have questions about this article on advice for newlyweds or would like to pursue Christian couples counseling in Huntington Beach, California to help strengthen your bond, please give us a call at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling.

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“Just Married,” Courtesy of Drazen Nesic, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

The Dangers of Toxic Positivity in Relationships

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Some people are just the life of the party, and some people are what you’d call a ray of sunshine. There are times when the mood needs to be lifted, and when some positivity helps everyone in the room. However, not every moment or situation needs the same treatment, and insisting on it can become deeply problematic. The term ‘toxic positivity’ can help to describe some of these harmful tendencies.

What is toxic positivity?

We all tend to dislike experiences that generate sadness, guilt, shame, or loneliness, but some seek to steer clear of them altogether. These experiences and situations can’t be avoided though. When they happen, they need to be faced squarely. Being positive during such times is one thing, but toxic positivity is when a person avoids, suppresses, or rejects negative emotions or experiences.

It can look like shaming others for experiencing certain emotions, denying any negative emotions, invalidating one’s natural emotions, and an inability to respect other people’s emotional experiences. For instance, if someone has been having a tough time at work, a toxically positive person might respond, “You’re lucky to even have a job.”

To be sure, there is a place for gratitude in everyday life, but the person who struggles with toxic positivity doesn’t leave much room for others to express their feelings if those feelings aren’t positive. That can have significant drawbacks in a relationship.

Some dangers of toxic positivity in relationships

For a relationship to flourish, the people in it must be able to express themselves honestly. Vulnerability is essential for intimacy and the health of the relationship. Toxic positivity in relationships can manifest in damaging ways that include gaslighting by downplaying or dismissing someone’s feelings, which can make them question their own emotions.

Another way that toxic positivity can manifest is by minimizing issues. It often results in dismissing or trivializing issues, rather than addressing and resolving them. Forced optimism is another reality, as the person with a toxic positivity will constantly demand a positive attitude, which in turn disregards others’ valid concerns or emotions.

Further, shaming or blaming is also a feature of toxic positivity, by criticizing or judging someone for not being positive enough. Toxic positivity will also often result in avoiding conflicts because it’s easier to sweep issues under the rug rather than confront and resolve them. While gratitude is important, toxic positivity results in an overemphasis on gratitude, without acknowledging valid frustrations or concerns.

Additionally, it can ignore or disrespect someone else’s boundaries under the guise of “staying positive” and can also result in toxic encouragement, which is pushing someone to do more without considering their well-being or limitations. In a relationship, toxic positivity can also lead to unrealistic expectations such as expecting a partner always to be happy, perfect, or positive.

Those who are toxically positive often demonstrate a lack of empathy and a failure to understand and validate someone else’s emotional experience. Healthy relationships thrive on authenticity, empathy, vulnerability, and understanding. Toxic positivity undermines these essential qualities that a relationship needs to flourish. Ultimately, it can harm the relationship and make it an unsafe place for others.

Growing to embrace difficult feelings

A person can hold onto toxic positivity for various reasons, but it is damaging not only to others but also to the toxically positive person. However, the good news is that it’s possible to overcome toxic positivity and learn to create space and embrace difficult feelings. Learning to overcome toxic positivity requires recognizing and challenging harmful behaviors and attitudes. Some steps to help include:

Recognizing toxic positivity

Self-reflect and develop your self-awareness to begin learning to identify when you are dismissing other’s emotions, minimizing problems, or forcing optimism in a given situation.

Embracing authenticity and imperfection

Allow yourself to feel and express a range of emotions, without judgment. Recognize the fact that no one is perfect except the Lord, and mistakes that you or anyone else makes are growth opportunities.

Setting realistic expectations

In line with the above, learn to let go of unrealistic expectations and keep your mind trained on progress and not perfection. Challenge any harmful beliefs you may have and reframe any unrealistic expectations you have of yourself or others. Cultivate a growth mindset so that you can embrace challenges and grow as you learn from your failures.

Nurturing emotional intelligence

Learn to recognize, understand, and healthily manage your emotions. Similarly, learn to recognize the emotions of others, and allow them to express a range of emotions without judgment. Practice empathy by listening actively to try and understand how others feel and see things.

Practicing mindfulness

Grow your ability to focus on the present moment and let go of the need for constant positivity.

Seeking professional help

Moving beyond toxic positivity requires self-awareness, empathy, and a willingness to embrace authenticity. You don’t have to do it alone. You can speak with a therapist or counselor to help you address underlying issues that fuel your toxic positivity.

Getting help

If you feel you fit this description or are in a relationship with someone who is toxically positive, reach out to our offices today. We will schedule a session with a trained therapist who can help you develop healthy coping strategies as you grow in your ability to embrace difficult feelings and situations.

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“Wild Flowers”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Parenting Tips for When You’re Feeling Overwhelmed

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Scripture says that “Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him,” (Psalm 127:3, NIV), and that can guide how to approach the children in your care. As gifts given by God, children deserve consideration, care, and wisdom to be raised well without exasperating them (Ephesians 6:1-4). Jesus’ attitude to children ought to inform how we welcome, acknowledge, and take joy in our children (Mark 10:13-14) even when we’re feeling overwhelmed.

All the above is true, and it should function as a north star for parents who want to raise their children in the Lord. These truths need to be remembered, and they are most easily forgotten in between school runs, doing laundry for the umpteenth time in a week, cleaning up messes, breaking up fights between siblings, dealing with tantrums and raging hormones, soothing and tending to wounds, and everything else that happens in most households.

It’s a beautiful, but overwhelming life

Being a parent is a beautiful and humbling experience. From the moment they are born or become part of your family, children bring joy, laughter, and a fresh perspective on life as you see things through their eyes. Nonetheless, the mom or dad life can also get overwhelming.

Parents and caregivers can get overwhelmed when they’re dealing with their children. This can happen for many reasons, including the fact that they may need to attend to work in addition to parenting. There are many demands on an adult’s life, and it can be hard balancing these with taking care of a child. This is especially true when they are young and need lots of attention, or if they have special needs and need consistent support.

Apart from the time demands on parents and caregivers, parenting can also get overwhelming due to a lack of resources and skills. If a child is dealing with depression, anxiety, an anger management disorder, or another mental health concern, a parent may not have the tools right away to understand what’s happening, and to know how best to support their child. During that early part of the learning curve, things can get overwhelming.

Additionally, parenting can get overwhelming if, as a parent, you have issues of your own that you need to work through. For instance, if a parent has anger issues, or they have abandonment issues, they may struggle with handling their child, though they love them dearly. It can be hard to stay calm under pressure or to help them with their emotions when one’s upbringing didn’t prepare them to recognize emotions and respond appropriately.

Hence, being a parent is both a wonderful and a remarkable gift, and also an intensive, heavy responsibility. It’s important to know how best to respond when you’re feeling overwhelmed, and the resources you can make use of to parent your child(ren) well.

Dealing with feeling overwhelmed

Being overwhelmed by parenting is more common than you’d imagine. Though it’s not entirely reliable, if you check out parenting groups and conversations online, you’ll find out quickly enough that you aren’t alone in the struggle. Knowing this can be a comfort. Some steps you can take in dealing with feeling overwhelmed in your parenting include:

Acknowledge what’s happening

It can be tempting to avoid, divert blame, or even get angry about what you’re feeling, without acknowledging it for what it is. When a parent feels overwhelmed, they can feel shame, guilt, self-blame, anger, and so on. Societal pressure to look like you have it together can conspire to make you deny what’s going on.

Ask for help

When you acknowledge what’s happening, and recognize that it’s okay if you struggle, that can open the way for you to ask for help. Whether you’re reaching out to your partner, trusted friends, neighbors, or your own parents for support, asking for help can provide you with the resources and capacity to cope.

Where possible, outsource or delegate responsibilities to others to lighten your load. You don’t love your child any less if you have help to handle certain aspects of life as a parent.

Make self-care a priority

Taking care of yourself is essential, whether that’s taking breaks to refresh yourself, carving out time for activities you enjoy, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly and eating well to boost your mood and energy, or learning to practice mindfulness so that you can be firmly in the present and relinquish worries.

Set realistic expectations

You won’t be able to do everything perfectly as a parent. Sometimes we can set an unattainable standard or one that’s not cognizant of present realities. We can also shape our identity around being a parent in ways that hinder our ability to struggle or seek help. That adds a burden that’s hard to bear.

Seek professional help

You can make use of parenting classes to help you nurture skills that will assist your parenting. Support groups for parents are available as spaces to share ideas and for parents to support one another. Additionally, a mental health professional can help you address specific concerns regarding your child, or if you’re working through your own issues that require processing and resolution.

Getting help

It’s okay to not have all the answers. Parenting is an exciting and sometimes bewildering journey. If it is getting to be too much or you feel overwhelmed, reach out to our offices today. We can set you up with a qualified therapist to help you work through any concerns or questions you may have about parenting your children well.

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Conflict Management: The Art of the Sincere Apology

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We’re human. As much as we would like to believe we are perfect, we are fallible. One of the most crucial elements of conflict management is the ability to sincerely apologize. Unfortunately, despite our best efforts, our imperfections are sometimes most evident in our human interactions. We stumble and cause damage to friends, family, neighbors, and co-workers.

The good news is that despite our shortcomings, we possess a powerful tool that can potentially mend the divisions we create. A sincere apology can help us humbly acknowledge an offense or failure and show that we have a genuine commitment to change. This act helps to validate the other person’s feelings and acknowledges your awareness of responsibility. It is an art form that, when practiced with sincerity, can restore trust, deepen relationships, and inspire growth.

Why apologize?

Extensive psychological research points to the value of a sincere apology. When done correctly, it can repair a damaged relationship, bring closure to painful situations, and alleviate guilt. Good apologies are not just giving lip service or about getting forgiveness and moving on but involve a sincere expression of remorse and a genuine effort to understand and repair the harm you caused.

The Bible teaches that admitting wrongdoings and repenting are crucial steps in seeking forgiveness from both God and others. In 1 John 1:9, we are told to confess our sins and that we can be assured that God will be faithful to forgive and purify us. In the book of James, we are told to confess our sins to each other and to pray for each other so that we might be healed.

Apologizing brings reconciliation between conflicting parties, teaches us humility, and allows us to acknowledge our wrongdoings. Apologizing allows us to confess and repent of our sins and leads to peace in our hearts and relationships.

What makes an apology sincere?

A sincere apology encompasses four key elements, that when combined, convey a genuine desire to make amends. Here is how to make your next apology sincere and meaningful:

Acknowledging the mistake

By clearly and explicitly stating what went wrong, you demonstrate that you understand the negative impacts of your actions on others. Take responsibility for your actions and avoid justifying them or pushing blame on the other person. If you use a phrase like “I’m sorry, but…” you are negating the apology. Acknowledgment is the foundation of a meaningful and sincere apology.

Expressing remorse

Words alone are often not enough to convey your true remorse. The tone of voice, overall demeanor, and body language you use all reflect your genuine regret for the harm you caused. The recipient often feels a greater sense of sincerity when you allow them the opportunity to speak their mind uninterrupted.

Practice active listening skills by nodding your head and maintaining eye contact. Try not to fidget or appear distracted so the other person knows that you are focused on what they are communicating.

Commitment to change

A promise not to repeat the offending behavior is another principal element of a sincere apology. It shows a willingness to learn from mistakes and the desire to change. Be specific when you explain how you plan to do things differently to avoid repeating the offense. Do not demand or expect immediate forgiveness. Give the other person time to process their emotions.

Understanding and empathizing

Validating the other person’s emotions and showing empathy can help to heal the wounds caused by your actions. Avoid minimizing the situation. Do not say things like “It wasn’t a big deal” or tell the person that they are overreacting. It’s better to express that you understand that your actions affected the other person and to empathize with them.

A sincere apology is not about saying the perfect words or using a fancy vocabulary. It’s about taking ownership of your actions, demonstrating empathy, and committing to change. By using these tips, you should be able to craft a sincere apology that can help to bring about healing in your relationships.

If you are still struggling to make your apologies sincere, consider talking with a therapist. They can help you understand the reasons behind the difficulties and can guide you through the apology process. A Christian therapist can also help you learn to forgive yourself and reassure you that Jesus has already paid the price for your sins.

By mastering the art of a sincere apology, you can strengthen your relationships and be a lighthouse pointing others to the forgiveness of Christ.

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“Sunset Through Trees”, Courtesy of Irina Iriser, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Whose Turn is It to Say, “I’m Sorry”?

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It’s the famous question nobody wants to admit that they ask, and everybody swears they know the answer to: “Whose turn is it to say, ‘I’m sorry’?” There is no perfect formula. There are always exceptions to rules based on the circumstances. Many Christians don’t like the true answer to this question and rely on something other than God to change a heart.

You won’t like this answer

When asking, “Whose turn is it to say, ‘I’m sorry’?” more often than not it is going to be your turn first. Before you elbow that “certain someone” and offer them this article to read, re-read that last sentence: “More often than not it is going to be your turn first.”

The answer that it is “your turn” to say sorry first can be a hard answer to accept, especially if you feel like you’ve been saying sorry first more often and/or your spouse doesn’t exactly make a point to return an apology.

It is your turn to say sorry first

Why? The first reason it is more likely your turn to say sorry first is because you want to win. You may think winning looks like the other person coming to your side of things, humbling themselves, owning their wrongs. You may also think that it isn’t about winning, it’s about what’s right. However, what’s right is that marriage, especially between two Christians, is a race to say “I’m sorry” first (Matthew 18:21-35).

You see, it’s humility that wins the prize. Humility is seeing yourself properly. As Romans 3:23 puts it, “all have sinned.” The two of you have also become one flesh, bound together as equals. So, there’s no higher ground to be gained over your spouse.

The question “Whose turn is it to say sorry?” indicates that there are wrongs you need to confess just as much as the other person. Withholding your apology to wait for theirs isn’t supported by the Bible.

Own only what you can

Being humble and apologizing first does not mean you need to take full responsibility for what happened. It also doesn’t mean you get to boast about apologizing and badger your spouse for an apology.

Owning only what you can own looks like apologizing for something within the circle of your control. You cannot control their reactions, but you absolutely can influence their feelings and can control your own. For example, your overreaction or their claim that you insulted them are two areas where you can make apologies without owning more than your share of the problem.

If you are going to be the first to apologize, be sure not to make something up (Proverbs 12:22, James 5:16). Lying in an apology just to apologize first will only add to your conflict. Only say you are sorry for what you can own.

If it is difficult to recognize any wrong you’ve done, ask what you can be sorry for through prayer and/or directly talking to your spouse (Psalms 139:23-24). Maybe it is a hardness of heart toward them because of a wrong they have done to you. Maybe it is a wrong you did even years before that influenced them to commit the current wrong against you.

Don’t be fooled into believing that if you apologize for something it justifies their wrong actions against you. It’s clear that God is a just God and He doesn’t see things like that, so neither should we.

“I’m sorry” doesn’t make them right

It can be immensely difficult to be the first one to say “I’m sorry.” Finding something to own in an apology doesn’t mean there isn’t much more about which you’d like an apology from them. But sometimes, you have to ignore your spouse’s wrongs again and again while you work on your own wrongs and work things out with God (Matthew 7:3, Romans 12:17-19).

Besides, there will be time for concentrating on their wrongs later. Giving them an apology first without the strings attached of them needing to apologize often opens up room for them to approach with one.

When it doesn’t, we have to trust that God has both given us grace and mercy when we did not deserve it and that He will never let a wrong go without using it for His glory and the good of those who love Him.

Saying sorry doesn’t mean it feels better

Relying on a sorry to smooth things over is a setup for both you and your spouse. An apology doesn’t make the wrong disappear. Taking time to recover from being wronged is a natural repercussion.

This is true for little wrongs and big wrongs. This is true whether or not they wronged you in bigger ways than you wronged them. Waiting for your spouse to recover from their emotions, even after an apology, can be one of the most uncomfortable times between you and your spouse.

Choose to do the humble thing and trust God that it will glorify Him. No matter how long it takes or whether it ever results in gleeful peace between the two of you, by putting God first and trusting that He is using all things for your good and His glory, you can be sure that He will do what He says He will do: provide peace that protects your heart and your mind, provide joy beyond circumstance, and provide the blessing your enjoyment of His presence in heaven.

Heart changes come from God

When it comes to answering the question, “whose turn is it to say sorry,” it is all about heart work. The heart work you do with the Lord matters just as much as it does for your spouse. If you desire an apology from them, your heart work needs to be prioritized so you’re able to wait for their heart to be changed.

Your spouse isn’t going to change just because it’s the right thing to do until they fully believe it is the right thing to do. Just like King David, any of us humans can convince ourselves that what we are doing is right. It takes God to reveal our mistakes/faulty thinking (2 Sam 12).

As much as you may want your spouse to change and be the one to apologize first, you might not be the one who God uses to help change their heart. There may be more important matters at hand (1 Corinthians 7:25). That being said, it is often saying something once and allowing God to change their hearts that brings about the best of changes instead of using more words to try to get through to them.

If you are going to continue to speak to your spouse about an issue, whether for the first time or the fiftieth, choose your words before and after your apology through prayer and fasting (Esther 4:16, James 1:5, Psalm 4:4). Watch out for roots of bitterness that can spoil your words and actions.

Bitterness

Bitterness is a quick weed that can take over and suffocate any growth in a marriage. If you find yourself repeating the same words with your spouse about something you’re unhappy with, you need to consider the environment you’ve created is exactly where bitterness likes to grow.

A mature Christian is marked by extending grace to all (Hebrews 12). If bitterness is growing toward your spouse, grace is the antidote. Ephesians 4 talks about the love God has for us to give to one another. This love is expected most readily in a marriage.

A general guide to safeguard against pride and bitterness is to pray more than you correct. Love suffers all things, but it stands against sin. Through prayer, you can gain discernment about whether God wants you to address it with your spouse or let it go.

Support

Making an apology first can be hard. You may find yourself in a place where it is too difficult. You may find your marriage in a state where apologies don’t exist or seem to mean little. A Christian therapist is someone who you can talk to about these things privately with or without your spouse. Connect with us at Huntingtonbeachchristiancounseling.com to get started today.

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“Young Couple”, Courtesy of Surprising_Shots, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Trust”, Courtesy of LisaLove2Dance, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Holding Hands”, Courtesy of chermitove, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “I’m Sorry” Courtesy of Kelly Sikkema, Unsplash.com, Unsplash.com, CC0 License;

How to Fix a Toxic Relationship: 8 Bible Verses to Consider

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Looking to figure out how to fix a toxic relationship? Here are 8 Bible verses to consider while deciding if the relationship has any hope of continuing.

Being stuck in a toxic relationship

The cause of all toxic behavior is sin, which entered the world when Adam and Eve, the first man and woman, rebelled against God (Genesis 3). Because we are children of our first parents, we are all stained with this original sin.

We feel anger, pride, and selfishness, and we feel trapped. This causes us to constantly search for something to hope in or a way of escape. There is one hope only of escaping this sin: Jesus Christ who died for us so that we could be saved (Romans 5:8). With His grace, we can find out how to fix a toxic relationship.

Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? – 2 Corinthians 6:14

Paul admonished the church in Corinth for their lack of love and indifference toward him. This was because of their close connections with unbelievers. This had corrupted their spiritual growth.

Does this other person indulge people that distract from the gospel in your relationship? If this person or spouse is not being built up by believers, and is instead satisfied with being poured into by unbelievers, it is likely that you have a toxic relationship on your hands. Prayer is a great place to start as God promises He gives wisdom generously to all, without reproach as we ask Him with faith that He will provide it (James 1).

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. – Hebrews 13:14

This was one of the final exhortations by Paul to his followers in his epistle while imprisoned. He wanted them to show hospitality to strangers, remember those mistreated in prison, shun the love of money, and be content with what they had, remembering the Lord is always there to love and guide you. He is there for us in marriage, too.

God founded the institution; therefore, its vows must be upheld. Nothing is to come between you and loving your spouse and holding them in high regard – not their attitude or behavior, not your kids, not a job or other activity, not another person in any way.

Today, this type of behavior is too prevalent, often resulting in the break-up of marriages. If you find there is anything in the way of loving your spouse, you need to pray to the Lord for help to fix this toxic relationship and help you to rely on Him to help you do it His way.

Do not be deceived; ‘bad company corrupts good morals.’ – 1 Corinthians 15:33

This is true in all relationships – family, friends, and work. Who are your “friends?” Do they support you in times of want; are they there for you no matter the circumstances? Or do they disappear, making you wonder who you can trust? The Lord will never leave your side. He is incorruptible.

As a Christian, you are called to love others. Loving means taking the right course of action, in accordance with God’s Word, and to not be corrupted or change your views. He is the Lord, and He will let you know how to fix a toxic relationship with others. Conform to God’s law, not the world’s.

If your brother sins against you, go, and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and tax collector. – Matthew 18:15-17

These are strong words, but they ensure accountability and effective conflict resolution. You must look at others as souls. Forgiving a person (family, friend, co-worker, etc.) or spouse means looking at them as a fellow “brother” or “sister” in Christ, a soul that has been redeemed and is called righteous just as you are.

Forgiving someone who is not a believer is loving our enemies just as we are instructed to, and looking at them as souls in need of a Savior. Wading through the consequences of the wrongs done might take longer. Knowing how to fix a toxic relationship can involve deeper issues that will take time to understand. Take it to the Lord in prayer, search His Word for wisdom, and seek out good, God-centered counsel.

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. – 1 Corinthians 6:8

When it comes to sex, we see that nothing is new under the sun. In Paul’s day, sex of all kinds was normal for most people. This included adultery, prostitution, pedophilia, homosexuality, etc. Sex outside of marriage was accepted as normal, just as it is today. Paul states you must flee from sexual immorality. It’s wiser to escape from this sin than be subdued by it (Genesis 39:7-12). You are only harming yourself and others involved.

Paul fought against the casual attitude toward it by some Christians and the pain it causes to both spouses. Today we still commit these sins. This causes friction, bad attitudes, and bad relationships. You will need to learn how to fix this toxic relationship.

Rely on the Lord. Pray for a resolution that will return the love you feel for your spouse and an escape from any relationship that does not honor God by respecting the design of sex to be between a married man and woman. Seek counsel to help point you to God’s will.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others. – Philippians 2:3-4

Paul once more tells us to treat others’ needs as more important than our own, and other people as greater than us. By doing this, you will achieve the kind of humility that results in love and unity. His goal was to center attention on other people, not yourself. We need to do this in our personal relationships and marriages.

By treating people with respect, you will be influencing the relationship out of toxicity. There will be the most opportunity for harmony and understanding of each other’s needs when at least one person is honoring the Lord. There may still be conflict, but true love will, with God’s help, see you through such times as you look to suffer well and seek out the other soul’s good above your own.

I appeal to you brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine you have been taught; avoid them. For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naïve. – Romans 16:17-18

Paul begs the Christians in Rome to be on their guard against false teaching, by holding to the truth they know and protecting it at all costs. He knew that others would come after him and try to sow division and confusion in the church, seeking after their own selfish desires.

Fixing a toxic relationship is a manner of speaking the truth to one another, whether at home, the office, or with anyone. Cling to the gospel to see your way through any measure of toxic relationship. Put everything to the test of Scripture to make straight your paths.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

With this chapter, it’s easy to see that love conquers all. There is nothing it can’t overcome. This is the love of Christ. As followers of Christ, we strive to love like this by the power of the Holy Spirit. Knowing how to fix a toxic relationship is using this love for every relationship. The Lord will show you how if you ask Him. Evil is overcome by the power of love.

It is quite clear in these verses that love should dominate our thoughts and actions. How to fix a toxic relationship then becomes a simple matter of understanding God’s love and loving the other person with it.

Get help with your relationships today by reaching out to a therapist on our website.

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Why Do Affairs Happen? 7 Reasons for Infidelity

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There is often value in answering the question, “What happened?” In the story of a marriage, when infidelity occurs, it’s important to understand what happened and why it happened. According to some statistics, infidelity is responsible for between 20-40% of divorces. However, not everyone who has experienced infidelity opts to end their marriage. Many couples can find healing and choose to remain together.

Part of the healing process includes understanding why the infidelity happened in the first place so that the marriage can be strengthened and restored. Knowing why infidelity occurred can help a couple with accountability, and with developing a deeper understanding of how to love one another better.

Some reasons for infidelity

Infidelity is when one partner breaks their commitment to remain faithful to their partner by engaging in a romantic or sexual relationship with another person. Infidelity doesn’t have to be sexual. An emotional affair is when a person forms a deep connection with someone other than their partner, and that connection resembles or rivals the connection in the primary relationship.

Infidelity occurs under a wide variety of circumstances, and there are several reasons why people have affairs. What’s important to remember is that though there may be significant reasons why one decides to have an affair, the affair is still a decision, and one should take responsibility for one’s decisions. Understanding the reason behind infidelity shouldn’t absolve responsibility or create room for blaming or blame-shifting.

The key reason to understand why infidelity happens is to understand where there may be weaknesses in the relationship or issues that an individual or the couple needs to address as they go through counseling. Some of the reasons why infidelity occurs include:

Issues in the primary relationship

This is the reason most people assume why infidelity happens. Perhaps there’s a wedge that forms in the relationship and the couple drifts apart. Perhaps one partner begins working a lot more or goes through a serious illness, and intimacy suffers as a result. A period of prolonged conflict can also potentially result in seeking comfort outside the relationship.

Permissive attitudes

We live in a cultural and social context in which the mores around monogamy have been shifting profoundly. Polyamorous relationships are lauded, and as these cultural and societal norms about sex and intimacy shift, people may find themselves crossing boundaries into infidelity.

Low self-esteem and compulsion

A person may find themselves having an affair against their will, for instance when they are coerced by their employer. An individual with low self-esteem may also find themselves in an affair because they struggle to say “No” or because they may be seeking validation through the affair.

Sex addiction

A condition like sex or romance addiction can also be a contributing factor to an affair occurring.

Nostalgia and self-exploration

It’s common for an affair to happen when two people who were in a relationship before managing to connect again and rekindle their relationship. Taking the road not traveled and exploring new aspects of oneself is another reason why infidelity might also occur.

Revenge

If one spouse has had an affair in the past, the other spouse might have an affair as a form of revenge and to hurt their counterpart.

To end the relationship

If someone feels as though they want to end the relationship, and they feel otherwise unheard or powerless to do so, they may have an affair as a way to undermine the relationship in such a significant manner as to end it.

Finding healing after infidelity

When infidelity occurs, it undermines trust in the relationship. That breach of trust is serious enough to end the relationship. A betrayal can make it difficult to move beyond being suspicious of the partner who cheated. In many ways, infidelity can also be traumatic, causing nightmares and flashbacks for both partners.

Healing after infidelity can only really happen if there is an acknowledgment that the affair happened. Without remorse or taking responsibility for what happened, a couple can’t move forward and begin making the changes necessary to heal the broken trust. In addition to this, accountability is necessary so that the partner who was cheated on feels safe enough to trust their partner again.

Counseling is another ingredient in a couple’s finding healing. It creates a safe and supportive environment for the couple to explore feelings of hurt, and for them to express their needs and begin setting goals for themselves.

Through counseling, the couple can explore reasons for infidelity and why the infidelity occurred. They can also identify unhealthy patterns in the relationship, address areas where the couple does not love each other well, and work to improve their communication and intimacy.

Getting help

If you or your partner is struggling to work through the impact of infidelity, please reach out to us at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling. We can arrange an appointment for you to see a trained Christian therapist in Huntington Beach, California who can help you walk a healing journey.

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Mapping the Heart: Navigating Codependency and Establishing Boundaries

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The accounts of Jesus’ time on earth provide a practical and spiritual template for those who follow Him. His approach to navigating challenges serves to encourage and infuse confidence in all we confront. He exhibited the principle of establishing healthy relationships, communication, and boundaries.

Prioritizing the Father’s will, Jesus’ desire to please His Father was the impetus that governed His ministry. He relentlessly pursued what would ultimately give God glory in every circumstance, regardless of the demands that others attempted to impose on Him.

The mirror of Scripture can help us to observe this as we watch Jesus engage with a pair of sisters hosting Jesus at their home. Martha was busy preparing for dinner, yet not enjoying the Lord’s presence.

While her sister Mary listened to Jesus teach, Martha lamented to the Savior. Instead of communicating directly with Mary, Martha circumvented her, by talking to Jesus about what Mary wasn’t doing and what she presumed should be happening instead. Jesus’ response exhibited a reflection of what healthy boundaries can look like in our own lives.

While Jesus didn’t negate the necessity of dinner, His emphasis in this account helps us to recognize, repent, and reset where our priorities misalign. He addressed Martha but refused to allow imposed guilt to usurp His priority.

As Messiah, He realized that Martha wanted to be validated and supported; Martha’s need for replenishment was apparent. It was what Mary had already chosen: to ease her codependent and anxious mind in rest and replenishment at Jesus’ feet.

No amount of work, regardless of how noble, fills us like spending time with Jesus. Christ presented the perfect example, illustrating that loving people and establishing boundaries are not mutually exclusive. We need both; and in fact, one informs the other.

We set boundaries because we want to protect the time in the presence of God and with loved ones and preserve these relationships. It is because of love that we establish boundaries as parameters to redirect our resources to nourish what we value.

When we are busying ourselves with what everyone else is or isn’t doing, we miss important face-to-face time with the Lord. There may be words and wisdom that He wants to share, but as long as we are codependently preoccupied with other people’s behaviors, we deflect attention from Christ.

Boundaries around our peace or priorities weaken the hold that worry and anxiety leverage. Yet, when we avoid marking boundaries on our time, we overextend ourselves and overcommit limited resources of energy and attention. Like Martha, this can be taxing for us as well as those in relationship with us.

Instead of engaging in life-giving exchanges, we keep score, ticking off our contributions and others’ perceived failures. We diminish them, even as we see in this story (Luke 10:38-42). There are two hostesses, yet they are both displaying a different kind of welcome for the Visitor in their home.

When we operate from a codependent mindset, we project what we want onto others, stepping over the boundaries around what they value. Instead, we misuse our relational influence to control them with guilt or emotion, presuming that they should respond to what we want and disregard their own unique needs and desires.

Codependency looks away from the areas to be reconfigured in our hearts. Furthermore, it minimizes the impact that our controlling words and actions have on those we love.

The speck of sawdust in someone else’s eye looms larger than the log bursting through our own when we allow codependency to govern and inform our mindset (Matthew 7:3-5). The result is that we won’t establish healthy boundaries that refocus us on what we need to manage with the Lord in our own lives. We place ourselves in the position of God by trying to rescue, redeem, or reprove other people for what they need to manage with the Savior.

It doesn’t have to be like this. We can make immediate pivots, recognizing where our codependent disregard for boundaries has spilled over into interactions with our loved ones. The Lord is our Counselor and Helper. Through His Holy Spirit, He will direct us to counseling resources to support us with making lasting change. Just like change came to Mary and Martha’s home, it can come to ours as well.

Next steps to establishing boundaries

Wherever you are, take courage and hope that change is possible. God has provided valid solutions and practical support for you to initiate it in your own life. Contact one of the counselors here at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling in California. Make your appointment to experience the beginning of life changes. You can begin to redraw the lines of your heart map, establishing boundaries that protect what matters most.

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What You Can Expect and Hope to Gain from Family Counseling

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Functional families are often believed to be the bedrock of our society. They are the most basic unit of a community and even government. They provide and secure members’ health, education, and their interests. This is why family counseling can be of use.

However, negative behavior of any individual member of the family can cause fractures in the unit, and often professional therapy is an effective source of support and help. Family counseling is a type of counseling that not only assists individuals within the family but the family as a single group.

If you wonder whether family therapy will be helpful to your family as it deals with particular stresses, this article will briefly describe the skills of a family counselor and the different instances families find counseling beneficial.

Family counseling helps in these ways.

Of course, families are unique and therefore several types of therapy can be used to support them through family counseling.

Two common types are solution-focused brief therapy as well as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Solution-focused brief therapy sets out short-term goals for the therapy sessions and incorporates positive psychology principles and practices. This helps families focus on the solution instead of the problem.

The type of therapy is described as hope-friendly and looks to bring out positive emotions to help create a future orientation for the family as they work together in a motivated way to implement the agreed sustainable behavioral change.

In other words, the point of solution-focused brief therapy is for the family to work together to solve their own problems.

The second type of therapy is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which helps families to notice and understand ways of thinking that are not helpful, and sometimes harmful. New ways of thinking are nurtured.

Types of problems tackled during family counseling.

Professionals involved in family therapy are trained to assist with a broad spectrum of significant clinical problems. Some of these may include:

  • Anxiety and depression.
  • Marriage problems.
  • Individual mental and mood issues.
  • Complex dynamics surrounding the parent-child relationship.

Family counseling professionals are often mental health professionals and practitioners who have professional training and years of clinical practice experience. These professionals are licensed as Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists to consider, determine, and treat mental and emotional disorders, issues with health and behavior, as well as the relationship complexities that surround couples, marriage, and families.

Research shows that in some cases marriage and family therapy results in better outcomes than individual counseling for mental health problems, for example:

  • Adult alcoholism.
  • Adult schizophrenia.
  • Affective or mood disorder.
  • Anorexia in young adult women.
  • Childhood autism.
  • Childhood conduct disorders .
  • Chronic physical illness in adults and children.
  • Drug abuse in adolescents and adults.
  • Marital distress disputes.

The need for family counseling professionals.

Studies verify the successful impact family counseling professionals have in treating a wide variety of significant and complex problems that beset families. Further research finds that the families who went for counseling were pleased and satisfied with the help they received from marriage and family health therapists.

The results from studies showed that more than 85% of clients reported that their emotional health improved, and almost 75% of parents with children reported better behavior inside and outside the family unit, as well as an improvement in overall school performance.

Similar findings among adults in the family unit show that as health, emotional, and mental disorders are helped through family counseling, there are improvements in professional productivity and relationships, social life, involvement in the community, and overall well-being.

Looking for the type of help that family therapy provides?

If you are looking for the type of help that family therapy provides, please browse our online counselor directory or contact our office at Huntington Beach Christian Counseling to schedule an appointment. The Christian counselors in Huntington Beach, California would be honored to walk with you on this journey.

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2 Benefits of Marriage Counseling and 3 Disadvantages

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The difficulties with marriage start at the beginning of a relationship. No one starts a relationship looking to end up in marriage counseling one day, but from the very start of “I think I like you” to the “I do” and beyond, there are certain difficulties that each couple will face

Some of these difficulties require more work than others. A majority of the troubles that couples face can benefit from marriage therapy. As with any tool, however, there are both benefits and disadvantages to marriage counseling.

Two benefits of marriage counseling.

For any couple working with a marriage counselor, there are benefits to reap once the work has been done to find a counselor that fits. The premise of marriage counseling is to assist couples in their relationship with themselves, one another, and the systems around them.

Choosing to work in such a context should not be a light decision, nor should it be a one-sided decision. Couples who come to counseling need to decide together that they are there to do the work, otherwise there are likely to be no benefits at all.

Communication.

One of the top benefits that can come from marriage counseling is improved communication. Even starting to talk about marriage therapy, whether for premarital, newly married couples, or long-time married couples can bring about better talk as a couple. This “pre-talk” allows the couple to define the terms, establish a reasonable assessment of how important the marriage is to one another, and explore what areas need to be worked on most.

While in marriage counseling, a counselor can help the couple improve their communication by supplying mediation and skill training. With a counselor acting as a mediator, couples have the advantage of slowing their communication down.

The counselor makes room for pausing and reflecting. This sort of mediation allows for couples to be heard by one another and get their point across more effectively. The mediation of a counselor helps couples to create safe boundaries while navigating conflict.

Skill training helps the couple increase their active and reflective listening. Skill training also serves to increase the couple’s positive communication by allowing them to practice filtering and shaping their words. By improving communication, the couple’s intimacy is increased and thereby overall satisfaction in the relationship.

Longevity.

Marriages start with the desire for the relationship to last and in order to have a lasting marriage, there needs to be a certain level of satisfaction. In other words, decreased satisfaction in times of conflict can jeopardize the marriage. In order to increase satisfaction between the couple, marriage counselors support them in developing better communication, conflict resolution, and empathy skills.

With an increase in these skills, the couple can feel more understood, more at ease, and more willing to be vulnerable. This leads to the couple having their needs met. As conflict decreases and needs are increasingly met, the satisfaction of the relationship increases. This increase in satisfaction improves the longevity of the relationship exponentially.

Three disadvantages of marriage counseling.

There are both benefits of marriage counseling and disadvantages. Two of the benefits of marriage counseling discussed above are communication and longevity. These play into one another, just as the disadvantages do. Disadvantages of marriage counseling can include areas of conflict resolution, self-discipline, and that it is not a “one-size-fits-all” intervention.

Conflict resolution.

Every marriage has its moments of conflict. Within couples therapy, couples are spending time addressing that conflict in hopes of a resolution. The disadvantage to this is that it can stir up the conflict and leave the couple more hurt before any resolution comes. Counseling takes time, and there are no guarantees with it. This means things can get worse before they get better.

Another aspect of conflict resolution is that often within marriage counseling, working on a current conflict brings up conflicts from the past. This leaves couples to face multiple conflicts at once. Any work with conflict resolution creates the opportunity for immense individual growth and strengthening of skills.

Working with a marriage counselor on resolving conflict in a marriage can help the couple develop a plan that improves their marriage. However, the plan will not be void of hard work and the facing of more difficult pain. Each individual has to make the decision to face the amount of work that conflict resolution presents them with.

Self-discipline.

Getting married to someone doesn’t mean that person is perfect. There is often an understanding within the relationship that there is room for each individual to grow. What can be unknown at times is the level of self-discipline it will take to both grow and endure the other’s need for growth.

Marriage counselors hold a unique position with a couple to both help the individuals see the need for self-discipline or growth, as well as to support them in building the skills necessary to achieve it. These skills include brain re-training, empathy building, behavior modification, habit training, etc.

Learning new skills and practicing new roles within the marriage requires self-discipline. As with any discipline, it is not easy to endure. The temporary pain is sometimes determined to not be worth the long-term gain. Marriage counseling requires the individuals to face this reality and own up to it.

Not a “one-size-fits-all” intervention.

Each individual in a marriage has the choice to both enter into and stay in marriage counseling. This requires multiple things to be right in order for it to work. For marriage therapy specifically, both individuals must agree to commit to the marriage and work on it, otherwise it is just individual counseling with an extra person in the room.

Once commitment to the marriage is secured, both individuals need to agree on who they work with. If one person feels uncomfortable with the counselor, or both, it will be an uphill battle while the couple is already wounded. After deciding that continuing the marriage is right for the couple and that the counselor is right for the couple, the couple then needs to decide at some point whether or not the counseling is serving the marriage well.

This decision can be the most difficult part to face, leaving the couple at a strong disadvantage. The difficulty lies within the hard work that facing conflict creates. Due to there being no guarantees in therapy, enduring hard work can leave the couple feeling more depleted than simply enduring the conflict, and thereby become a confusing time when they have to decide whether to continue counseling or not.

Marriage counseling is not the only way for couples to improve their marriage. In fact, for some it may create more conflict in a way that proves ineffective at addressing any original conflicts at hand. Sometimes talking things out and expressing feelings does not serve the purpose of resolution. Marriage counseling may not fit the relationship dynamics, circumstances, or even culture of the couple.

Is marriage counseling worth it?

Marriage counseling is a tool for couples to use just like any other tool. It is meant to support the couple in the growth and longevity of their relationship with each other. Whether the disadvantages outweigh the advantages really comes down to the married couple. If you are ready to explore more regarding whether marriage counseling is right for you, reach out to a counselor near you.

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